Summer Releases 2009

I find it most depressing to check out what movies I can look forward to during the Summer. It's a ritual I do on the first week of June almost every year, and every time I do, it seems to me like the movies get worse and worse.

2009 was no different: I sat down this afternoon and decided to check what was coming "to a movie theatre near you" (which is bullshit, because the nearest one is some 40 minutes away on public transportations and the one that was actually down the street from here now belongs to some Catholic variety of church) and... well, why don't we run through them together and I'll tell you the hows and whys, okay? Keep in mind I'm not saying these are all going to be shit: I am only telling you how they sound... in three months, we can check if they were actually as bad as all that.

- Land of the Lost (space-time vortex comedy for kids in which some deadbeat scientist, his smartass assistant and a redneck are sucked back in time so that dinosaurs are featured in the flick. Perhaps amusing if you're 10. Boring and unfunny at my age, and someone please shoot Will Ferrel. He should have never left MadTV)

-My Life in Ruins (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-The Hangover (flashback comedy in which three guys are trying to figure out how the fuck did they lose a friend during his own bachelor party, two days from his wedding... sounds like something on the lines of The 40-Year Old Virgin, do not want)

-Imagine That (comedy for the whole family with Eddie Murphy finding the answers to life in his would-be daughter's imaginary land. Eddie Murphy, by the way, is one of those guys I'd rather watch doing stand-up than family flicks. I've seen my share of his family flicks, having almost snored my way through most of them. If The Haunted Mansion wasn't the most boring shit I sat through in 2003, it wasn't very far from it. I don't really care for family flicks anyway, so this is out of my league)

-The Taking of Pelham 123 (action remake, 'nuff said - although the plot sounds rather nice. Some nutjobs take a whole subway train's worth of hostages and will shoot one every minute until the ransom is paid. Denzel Washington is in it, yay! So is John Travolta, eww!)

-Year One (caveman-ages comedy with Jack Black. Two lazy cavement are kicked out of their tribe and must fend for themselves... do I really want to watch this? I love Tenacious D and Jack Black has made me laugh in the past, quite often so, but... caveman-ages comedy? This sounds like some four or five other movies I've seen in the past: staged in ancient times for modern pun purpose...)

-The Proposal (romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock - enough fuckin' said!)

-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (a sequel that seemingly will wreck whatever the first one had of good. I'm not even going to say why: watch the trailer and tell me if you think any differently. The first Transformers movie was swallowed with some difficulty - I'm pretty sure there is no mug of beer big enough to make me swallow this one)

-Public Enemies (gangster drama with Johnny Depp... seems to come in the same line of work as The Libertine and feature a similar acting style. Here's how I see Johnny Depp: he's very versatile, looks good on the big screen and is probably one of the biggest wackos in Hollywood, which is actually a good thing. There are movies starring him I loved... and then there are movies starring him that I hated, usually the romances. I found The Libertine a near 2-hour yawn... even if set in the crazy 20's, I don't think this will be much better. Still, Christian Bale is there too and Michael Mann produced Hancock and Heat, so I'm a little tempted to watch it)

-Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (the second was already lousy. This will probably not make it any better)

-I Love You Beth Cooper (aff... teenage romantic comedy... if you ever catch me watching one of these, you can stop the DVD because they're torturing me... sole exception being The Breakfast Club, which wasn't really much of a comedy and had very mild romance)

-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter again?! How many bloody novels are there?!)

-(500) Days of Summer ("an offbeat romantic comedy", said the plot, and I didn't want to read any further)

-Orphan (American horror movie based around a little girl, which I will most likely watch and then rant about. Nothing new here.)

-The Ugly Truth (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-Aliens in the Attic (sounds like a bad duplicate of Goonies to me, with a little Signs tossed in for good measure: OMG teenagers must save their community from aliens hiding in the attic! Fuck off...)

-Funny People (after I read about this comedy in which a comedian has a near-death experience, I yelled in horror for almost a full minute and came close to having a near-death experience too. I'm sorry, Adam Sandler has that effect on me)

-G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (well, G.I. Joe fans, welcome to the horror we at other fandoms have lived in for several years now: your fandom will now be adapted into video for the delight of the masses who had never heard about it before. It's a screwed-up situation, isn't it?)

-When in Rome (romantic comedy set in Rome, 'nuff said)

-Julie & Julia (Meryl Streep? Might be go- oh wait, it's also a romantic comedy. 'Nuff said.)

-The Time Traveller's Wife (drama-romance about a guy who suffers from Chrono-Displacement Disorder and his wife... it sounds like The Butterfly Effect, which wasn't half bad, and despite Eric Bana being in it... I don't know. If the drama is not too snot-faced, tear-stricken and filled with overacting, it may actually be a half decent film. Or not... I decided to check what Chrono-Displacement Disorder is: it means he time-travels out of the bloody blue... damn this IS a copy of The Butterfly Effect! Plus, the original novel was written by a woman. How much money do you wanna bet that it's a blubbering drama?)

-The Post Grad Survival Guide (sexual situation-based comedy about a college grad who returns home and walks nose-first into the iron post of adult life along with a family of crazy stereotypes. Probably narrated in the first person. Unimaginative, seen it, boring ad infinitum)

-Inglorious Bastards (a movie about a mass collision of the French resistance, German officials and Americans soldiers in a Nazi-conquered France. It's described as a "war-action-comedy", and it's made by none other than Quentin "I'm-completely-fuckin'-apeshit" Tarantino. I usually like his movies, so I'll probably take a look, but I'm not setting my hopes up too high... it's a remake)

-The Boat That Rocked (a comedy about four radio DJ stereotypes set in the 60's... doesn't sound particularly interesting up first, but since it is an interesting decade for music, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. I didn't like the "rated R for sexual content" reference, those are usually comedies based on naked situations in front of important people, and those don't really... float my boat)

-Final Destination: Death Trip 3D (in the name of crow and all things sacred, another one?! Let me tell you something... as a horror movie enthusiast I've seen all three Final Destination, and I have this to say about them all: good concept, shitty actors, poor delivery. Now they're putting it in 3D, which is like adding a spoonful of battery acid to an already pretty acidic pot of bile. I don't think I'll be caught dead watching this one, even if I am saved from Death sometime during the end of August!)