29 April 2009
YouTube Wednesday with Space Hippies
Space hippies, crow help us. Although, if that is how Vulcans play the harp, one can only imagine what they can do with an electric guitar...
Can you imagine a Vulcan picking up a harp and saying to another, "My peer, listen to this out of ordinary set of notes composed specifically to leave an impression on the female counterparts of our kind." Also, if you're wondering where the drums are coming from (like Jandeku did), notice Mr. Zulu is tapping the panel. Also, did anyone else notice they replaced whatever the girl was playing with a bicycle wheel? I could make another twenty jokes with this clip. Like "Playing in tune. The final frontier". But I'm busy looking for a torrent for the original first season, so if anyone else has a joke here, feel free to share.
27 April 2009
Weekly Log - 20 through 26
Mon Apr 20
Got pulled out of bed to get bread and milk again. I don't get it. If the Kid Bro's up, why in the name of crow is it me who has to go?Well apart from the aforementioned items, our fridge is empty. Mum got some money to I went out to get some chicken. Well, a lot of chicken. Enough to last for a few days. I spent my day listening to two songs by Aerosmith: Eat the Rich and Livin' on the Edge. If you don't think it's funny, try living in my shoes for a while. You'll see the joke.
Tue Apr 21
Some people don't believe I have a rotten, stinkin', filthy luck. Some people still doubt. So today's situation may be representative of how my luck works. Many of you know I have been unemployed since the beginning of times here, and that I send resumes everyday and hope for the best... so sometime during this morning, it hit me: what if I erase the college part off the resume? I mean, most counter jobs want someone with 9th grade, 12th grade... maybe I will have better chances if I erase this shit...So I did. On the afternoon, around two o'clock, I received a call. They had been mailed my resume and wanted to see me tomorrow at four. Holy shit! If I had known it'd be this fast, by crow, college had gone to Hell eons ago! Academic pride my ass, I need money to pay my bills and eat!
Then around four I got another call. For another interview. On the same day. Two hours apart from the first. I would be thrilled, really, if one of those interviews wasn't in Devil's Hiney, Lisboa and the other in the local mall. And they are about one hour and a half to two hours apart. I don't know if I can make both... I'm gonna try, but I am really not sure I'm gonna make it to both.
See how my luck works? When I finally get a few breaks, they come in a cluster. Now I'm rooting for the job at the local mall, actually. Transportation pass is easier and if my out time is midnight, I'll get home sooner, even if I hate the mall with all my strength. Still, I'm gonna try to make both.
Wed Apr 22
Cluster city, here I go! I spoke to my Mum about the two interviews, she said the one in Lisboa is easily reached by car. But we don't have one, so I thought maybe we could ask Pops to lend us the car for the afternoon and once we were done, we'd get it back. We took the bus down to where he works (and where once I worked as well) and... he wasn't in. We waited an hour for him, and then decided to call him to know if it could be done. As it turns out, he lent someone his car yesterday. Just my luck.So I went to the mall do to my interview, which got delayed about fifteen minutes. It went well, I think: by the time I got out, I had one hour to be in Lisboa. I made my way to the boat, and I realized this was gonna be impossible: the next boat would arrive ten minutes from my interview, and I still didn't know which bus to take to get there. I browsed my cellphone for the number of whoever was gonna interview me, so I could warn them that I had a previous appointment and ask if we could agree on meeting either later or the following day. It was a private number, however, and I couldn't call it.
So I didn't make it, as you can easily guess. I hate it when people get their numbers private. I got that a lot back when I worked telemarketing: people saying to stop calling because they won't take calls from private numbers. Well, first off, if you're talking to me to tell me you don't take calls from private numbers, you have already taken the call. Then, here is a little trivia for you: most hospitals, the fire department and the police all have private numbers. If someone you know went to the hospital and you're listed as their next of kin, the call warning you they're there is going to be made from a private number. And anyone, at any given time, can turn their number to private. So frankly... not taking calls from private numbers is too much of a risk for me.
Thu Apr 23
And the clusterfuck keeps coming. I swear to crow, if I had known I wasn't getting results because of college, I would have wiped that shit out of my resume from the start. I really can't believe this shit... if I write down my college years on the resume, I am either busted because I didn't get my degree, or busted because I have a few years' worth of college learning. This begs the question: if it doesn't make my life any easier in getting a job, why in tarnation did I spend five years and a lorryload of money on a higher education? Man, this country blows chunks.This time, it's for a translation job. It is related to those technical texts I translated for Pops' friend a while ago. Remember, almost or actually a little over a month back? From what I gather it happened likeso: Pops' friend thinks the texts were mediocre to good. His partner, the one who actually owns the place, thinks they were pretty good. So they are giving some thought to hiring me: I passed the first phase of the hiring process, so to speak.
Also, I found a kitty. I had been hearing something meow for about an hour under my window, so I looked out to check what it was. Seeing a group of kids gathered around one of the electricity boxes, I decided to go downstairs and see what was happening. It wouldn't be the first time I find a group of brats hurting a small animal... not on my watch. As it turns out, a small kitty was stuck between the electricity box and the outer wall of the building. I suppose it's one of those stupid things cats do from time to time: crawl somewhere and then they can't get out, climb up somewhere and then they can't get down... anyway, I pulled the kitty out and brought it home with me. I doubt my Mum would agree to leave such a small cat on the street. It was probably abandoned: I doubt a cat this young would be around without a few siblings or the mother.
Fri Apr 24
Another Friday, another day sending resumes. There was an ad asking for "very beautiful people" to operate the reception at some bigshot hairdressing parlor. I was tempted to answer asking what their definition of "very beautiful" is. I usually complain about these people who let the way I look get in the way of the job I am supposed to do, but I can't say a lot if it's a hairdresser. After all, they sell image. I just wanted to know what is understood as "very beautiful" on their book - I know very well I wouldn't be getting that job.Best part of my day was dinner with the guys. It'd been a while since I had some Chinese food and got the Hell out of the house. The only thing about it was that we had to go to the mall. By crow, I hate the mall. But hey, beggars can't be choosers, if it's to hang out with the friends, I don't care where it is.
Weekend Apr 25 - 26
Hobby-wise, a very productive weekend, if I may say so myself. I've watched several movies, some I had seen a while ago but didn't really recall (like The Changeling, 1980, not the one that came out last year and was directed by Clint Eastwood), some remakes for curiosity's sake (like Quarantine, which is a remake of the Spanish wonder REC) and some I had never seen before (like Antikörper, Germany, 2006. And this one left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth, since I already have confirmation it's in production as an American remake for 2010.) Hopefully, I will have plenty of reviewing material for the future. I would like to leave a very thankful nod to everyone in YouTube who posted them for our viewing pleasure, you shouldn't have to pay for a movie you're not sure you're gonna enjoy, you people rock.
26 April 2009
'Dead End'
Dead End is rather obscure. I've been looking for information regarding it and it's a pain in the crack. The directors are ghosts (pun obviously intended), the actors are hard to track and try as I might, I can't find the fuckin' theme song anywhere. Which is a pity, because I actually like it.Here's what I found. Apparently two men, called Jean-Baptiste Andrea and Fabrice Canepa (I knew it couldn't be made by Americans...) both directed and wrote this, Andrea being a little more popular than his partner in crime and having also written and directed a movie called Big Nothing (2006). As actors are concerned, by far the most known is Ray Wise, playing Frank. You will recognize him from Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003), Good Night and Good Luck (2005), probably 24 (playing Vice President Hal Gardner), and the Western adaption of One Missed Call just last year. Plating the mother, Laura, you have Lin Shaye from Snakes on a (Motherfuckin') Plane. Mick Cain and Alexandra Holden are TV series actors, the Lady in White starred also in American Beauty (1999) and that's about it. This movie appears very early on any of their careers and apparently did a lot of good for them all. In fact, it won its directors several awards and a nomination in Fantasporto. I can see why: you look at this from a distance and you honestly think, like I did, it's gonna suck...
If you ever took a countryside trip somewhere during the night, you know it's spooky. It's miles and miles of trees, not one car in sight, no lights, nobody to help you if something happens. And if you're taking a trip, let's say, South, you know a good part of your way will be made in a straight line, in the middle of miles and miles of trees. It's spooky shit country. Scary stuff is begging to happen. And the USA, who have some of the most crowded cities in the world, and some of the greatest lengths of free woodland crossed by roads known to Man, is the perfect place for something like this to happen. Dead End is about a family on their usual yearly pilgrimage to Grandma's house for Christmas dinner. The father decides to take a shortcut through the countryside, and eventually the whole family finds itself trapped in a looping road, which seems to go nowhere, while a ghostly woman dressed in white and a black car seem to chase them about, killing one by one. At this point the movie is already pretty spoiled, so I'm gonna leave my usual SPOILERS alert here. Don't want to have this one wrecked for you? Don't read past the red. And this is the sort of movie that really spoils if you know the story.
What happens here is explained in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. This family is caught in a pre-death dream. They all doze off inside the car -including at one point the father, who is driving. The car crash they think they nearly had, they actually did have. And in the dream, they proceed to die one by one, presumably in a way representative of how they died in reality, and usually starting from the one who was killed faster (mauled into shit) onto the one who survived the longest (heart attack, we assume), up to the sole survivor. I liked how this was done, because not only this logical order was respected, but even the entities haunting the family in the woods have a meaning: the lady in white was in the car they hit, and the man in the black car was the one who reported the incident and called an ambulance for the sole survivor of the crash.
While actors are pretty much unknown, I did like the acting. A lot. A lot indeed, keep in mind this is the B-series, and we were taught not to expect much from that. All my five R go to Lin Shaye, who did one of the freakiest death scenes I had ever seen, and looked positively terrified (or insane) throughout the whole thing. The weakest actor, in my opinion, was actually the first to go. Cheers!
The sound is amazing. You hear all sorts of noises while the family is stranded in the road. Common woodland sounds, odd background music, strange stuff from everywhere... I mean, turn the lights off and the sound up and try it. It was one of the few movies I showed my family they watched in complete silence from the beginning to the end: no comments, no jokes. And, once again, this is a B-series. Went straight to video. I found it by sheer chance because, as you can see from the above picture, the cover is nothing special. Nothing that would've caught your interest up first. Reeker (2005) was much inferior and had a much more mysterious cover, in my humble opinion. So what happened here? How is it this managed to be awesome where others fail?
It went by everything I have been saying throughout the years. Good usage of a small budget: they can't show a lot of things because they don't have the cash for awesome special effects, they keep most stuff hidden. In fact, this is one of those movies where it doesn't make much sense that you see a lot of stuff. We're in the middle of nowhere and it's dark...
Then, not over-complicating the plot. You don't have the budget to manage a lot of things, so don't add a lot of things. A family, a car, two antagonists, one stretch of woodland road as scenery. They're going to their Grandma's, they get stuck, they die, small twist at the end (in fact, a twist within a twist, if you fast-forward the credits and see the small scene right after them), that's all. Nothing big. The creators realized that this wasn't supposed to be impressive. Nobody needed to get out of this movie commenting on the awesome effects or the actors they've seen here and there: the movie just had to be a good, run of the mill movie, and that's what they did.
Third pointer: if you got away with one good movie, don't make any sequels. Up until now, everything okay. I'm glad there's a movie that proves my theory that the bigger the budget, the bigger the chance to mess up. Dead End is easily downloadable and also rentable, so check it out.
Weekdays and Weekends
When you're younger, you tend to loathe whatever day shit usually happens in. If on Wednesdays and Fridays they lock you in a room and force you to learn Maths, and you happen to hate Maths, you will naturally despise Wednesdays (but not Fridays. Nobody ever dislikes Fridays.) In fact, when you're a kid, the good days are weekends. Everything else sucks, but there's a couple of days in which you can do whatever you want to, with some luck, without anyone bugging you.
As you get older, however, you start perceiving that Life (or at least 99.9% of lives) is one long chain of suck. And you also realize not all days are created equal. No, each day has its own putrid personality and throw-up taste, like the many children of Bowser. In some particularly sucky lives, even weekends are stripped out of their good status.
So for those who still believe every day is the same, here is a round-up of a regular week as people like me see it. Keep in mind I am assuming a weekend is still a weekend. If your free day is one of the others, please read it accordingly.
Why it Sucks - why doesn't it? It's an accursed day devoted to Murphy and his gremlins. This is the day in which you go back to your bullshit life after a short period of rest. It's the beginning of the week, in which everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere or get something done. And since everyone is in a hurry, everyone takes the car to work: instant traffic jam. There are also very few students who have just a couple classes on a Monday, they're usually packed, and public transportation becomes a nightmare. People are always angry about something on Monday, even if it's just the fact they have nothing to do. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you know Monday sucks.
The Silver Lining - it only lasts for 24 hours.
How to Deal With It - if you can arrange things so that you can stay in bed all day, do so. It helps minimize damage. Get yourself a snack, turn off the cellphone and go back to bed. If you really must up and out like most of us, put on your headphones, grit your teeth, say a prayer and hang on.
Why it Sucks - by proxy. It's too close to Monday to be comfortable. Whatever happened on Monday and didn't get solved immediately will follow you here. For example, if you happen to get a letter on Monday about your favorite uncle dying or your car insurance being canceled, you'll have to go solve it the following day: Tuesday.
The Silver Lining - hopefully, whatever followed you here from Monday will be solved and can begin being forgotten on Tuesday, not dragging down the week.
How to Deal With It - attempt to solve whatever followed you from Monday on Tuesday! Don't let it stink up the rest of your week! If possible, have everything solved on the very Monday when it happens! Do not, under any circumstance, get married or travel. I think the Spanish are onto something.
Why it Sucks - because it's "hump day". It's the middle of the week. Imagine yourself going over the top peak of a mountain of crap. That's exactly how the Wednesday is. It slows down. I can't believe a Wednesday is made of the usual 24 hours. There is some more time to it, I am sure. From here on there's only one thing on your mind: the weekend. And this day is dedicated to keeping you for as long as it can on your way there. Things don't happen on Wednesdays: they drag. Forget the hump metaphor: it's the armpit of the week!
The Silver Lining - you only have 48 hours to go by midnight for the weekend to arrive.
How to Deal With It - make coffee extra strong. Don't listen to slows, blues or ballads. Watch an action movie, run your way to the bus stop, jump in place every time you go to the bathroom. Drink a Red Bull or any sports drink. Don't let yourself be slowed down any more than needed be.
Why it Sucks - read above. It's an evil fuckin' day. It congregates the Monday shit and the Wednesday slow in one big pile of fail. Something will happen on Thursday to screw you up on Friday or over the weekend, the dead uncle from before being a very good possibility. Picking up the hump metaphor, imagine you just crossed the peak and are headed down. Chances are that the momentum you built up on the climb will toss you down the mountain, tumbling and rolling and cursing. Right after the slow, comes the fast: everyone wants to get everything done before Friday, can't have anything to do on Friday night, get everything solved before Friday so we can ease ourselves down into the weekend! I was born on a Thursday and I'm completely convinced I will die on a Thursday. In fact, I believe life on Earth will be extinguished in one lousy Thursday right after someone says "fuck this". The good thing is, after the two-day hangover from Monday, this is the day in which you are slowly going back to your regular self.
The Silver Lining - movies are usually released on Thursdays, so you can browse what's on in case you plan on watching something the following day.
How to Deal With It - avoid problems. Especially long-lasting problems. And repeat this mantra throughout your day: "Only one day to go. Only one day to go."
Why it Sucks - mostly, it doesn't. Still, you are gonna get traffic jams all the same: people wanna hurry up home from work so, once again, every bastard who owns a car brings it out to the streets. You are exhausted from the hardships of the week and completely drained, but there's still a glint of life in you, the one you're gonna take to the party or the relaxation time after dinner. If your work wasn't done by Thursday, however, this is gonna be another hurry-up day, a stress-filled day. And you also have the anticipation: you want that clock to mark six, seven, whatever your hour is for dropping everything and moving on to the weekend. A watched pot never boils, so you're gonna feel like time doesn't go. In schools, it is the day in which teachers love to send homework - something to keep students busy during the weekend, you know? Pricks.
The Silver Lining - once you leave your school or work, it's weekend.
How to Deal With It - tie up all loose ends. Calm down. Try to slide past your Friday with as much ease as possible. When the time comes to leave work or school, chill. Find a bar. Go to a party. Have a drink with the guys. Fire up the console. Stay online until 4 in the AM. Have fun.
Why it Sucks - you know what I like to call Saturday? Hangover and High Roleplay Day. My party night is Friday, so I'm gonna spend most of my day in bed sick. If I can't go out, I'll be playing D&D or online for a longer period than usual, so that's good too, but I'm still gonna be sleepy all the time on a Saturday. But it's worth it, isn't it? It's your free time, and you don't wanna lose a second of it. Still, if you have nothing to do, it can be the most boring day of the week...
The Silver Lining - the week's over.
How to Deal With It - go crazy. Do everything you want. Don't let boredom take you: pick up a game, go out with the friends, watch a movie, blog, celebrate, bring down the bloody house!
Why it Sucks - again: by proxy. Anything that is close to a Monday gets spoiled, you notice? Sunday is a sad day... it's your last day of rest before some more bullshit. And if you're a Saturday Night person, you're a Hungover Sunday one too.
The Silver Lining - still 24 hours to do whatever the fuck you want to do...
How to Deal With It - enjoy it to the max. Don't let yourself say the words "Shit, tomorrow I have to go back to work".
As you get older, however, you start perceiving that Life (or at least 99.9% of lives) is one long chain of suck. And you also realize not all days are created equal. No, each day has its own putrid personality and throw-up taste, like the many children of Bowser. In some particularly sucky lives, even weekends are stripped out of their good status.
So for those who still believe every day is the same, here is a round-up of a regular week as people like me see it. Keep in mind I am assuming a weekend is still a weekend. If your free day is one of the others, please read it accordingly.
-- Monday --
Origins - in English, the noun Monday comes from Old English mondaeg, meaning "day of the Moon". Several cultures seem to go by this definition. It is understood by several religions as a day for fasting: this being, not eating some things, or anything at all. Boy, Mondays in the old ages should suck even harder, huh? Boomtown Rats made public that all Mondays suck with their song I Don't Like Mondays in 1979.Why it Sucks - why doesn't it? It's an accursed day devoted to Murphy and his gremlins. This is the day in which you go back to your bullshit life after a short period of rest. It's the beginning of the week, in which everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere or get something done. And since everyone is in a hurry, everyone takes the car to work: instant traffic jam. There are also very few students who have just a couple classes on a Monday, they're usually packed, and public transportation becomes a nightmare. People are always angry about something on Monday, even if it's just the fact they have nothing to do. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you know Monday sucks.
The Silver Lining - it only lasts for 24 hours.
How to Deal With It - if you can arrange things so that you can stay in bed all day, do so. It helps minimize damage. Get yourself a snack, turn off the cellphone and go back to bed. If you really must up and out like most of us, put on your headphones, grit your teeth, say a prayer and hang on.
-- Tuesday --
Origins - the original term, tiwesdaeg, comes from Middle English. It was named after the Norse god Tyr, the Viking god of war. In Latin, the origin is Mars' day. Apparently Tuesdays are dedicated to St John the Baptist in the Eastern Orthodox Church. For Greeks, this is as unlucky as a Monday, since Constantinople fell on a Tuesday. In Spain it's bad as well, they even have a saying about being bad to begin a journey or get married on Tuesdays. Why it Sucks - by proxy. It's too close to Monday to be comfortable. Whatever happened on Monday and didn't get solved immediately will follow you here. For example, if you happen to get a letter on Monday about your favorite uncle dying or your car insurance being canceled, you'll have to go solve it the following day: Tuesday.
The Silver Lining - hopefully, whatever followed you here from Monday will be solved and can begin being forgotten on Tuesday, not dragging down the week.
How to Deal With It - attempt to solve whatever followed you from Monday on Tuesday! Don't let it stink up the rest of your week! If possible, have everything solved on the very Monday when it happens! Do not, under any circumstance, get married or travel. I think the Spanish are onto something.
-- Wednesday --
Origins - again, borrowed from an Anglo-Saxon God: Woden. The original was wednes dei. It also comes from Ooinsdagr of the Norse tradition, as the day dedicated to Odin. In Latin, the name comes from the god Mercury. In some religions, this is also a fasting (or starving) day. An American English idiom refers to it as "hump day", because it's situated in the middle of the week, so the work done on a Wednesday is referred to as "going over the hump". Winnie the Pooh thinks this is a day that brings bad weather: "Winds-day". It's the name of the daughter of the Addams Family for some reason I can't ascertain. Why it Sucks - because it's "hump day". It's the middle of the week. Imagine yourself going over the top peak of a mountain of crap. That's exactly how the Wednesday is. It slows down. I can't believe a Wednesday is made of the usual 24 hours. There is some more time to it, I am sure. From here on there's only one thing on your mind: the weekend. And this day is dedicated to keeping you for as long as it can on your way there. Things don't happen on Wednesdays: they drag. Forget the hump metaphor: it's the armpit of the week!
The Silver Lining - you only have 48 hours to go by midnight for the weekend to arrive.
How to Deal With It - make coffee extra strong. Don't listen to slows, blues or ballads. Watch an action movie, run your way to the bus stop, jump in place every time you go to the bathroom. Drink a Red Bull or any sports drink. Don't let yourself be slowed down any more than needed be.
-- Thursday --
Origins - can you guess? Norse mythology at its best: Þorsdagr, the day dedicated to the god Thor. In Latin, Iovis Dies, the day dedicated to Jupiter. Douglas Adams writes in his A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that the Earth is destroyed by aliens on a Thursday. According to Breakfast at Tiffany's, Thursday is gruesome. Nostradamus says the Antichrist takes Thursday as its holy day. It's looking well from here alone, huh? The only positive things I found about it were that Thanksgiving is celebrated on a Thursday and since Fridays are days with fewer classes for college students, Thursdays are good for partying, and referred to as "thirstdays". Why it Sucks - read above. It's an evil fuckin' day. It congregates the Monday shit and the Wednesday slow in one big pile of fail. Something will happen on Thursday to screw you up on Friday or over the weekend, the dead uncle from before being a very good possibility. Picking up the hump metaphor, imagine you just crossed the peak and are headed down. Chances are that the momentum you built up on the climb will toss you down the mountain, tumbling and rolling and cursing. Right after the slow, comes the fast: everyone wants to get everything done before Friday, can't have anything to do on Friday night, get everything solved before Friday so we can ease ourselves down into the weekend! I was born on a Thursday and I'm completely convinced I will die on a Thursday. In fact, I believe life on Earth will be extinguished in one lousy Thursday right after someone says "fuck this". The good thing is, after the two-day hangover from Monday, this is the day in which you are slowly going back to your regular self.
The Silver Lining - movies are usually released on Thursdays, so you can browse what's on in case you plan on watching something the following day.
How to Deal With It - avoid problems. Especially long-lasting problems. And repeat this mantra throughout your day: "Only one day to go. Only one day to go."
-- Friday --
Origins - for the Norse, frigedaeg was the day dedicated to Frige or Freiya, gods of love. In Latin, it was consecrated to Venus. Again, some people consider Fridays to be bad, especially seafaring people, who think it's bad to be in the middle of a journey on Fridays. Still, most people only consider it unlucky if it falls on the 13th of the month. Some religions forbid the consume of meat on Fridays, so Friday is fish day. Some offices have a Casual Friday - the weekday in which workers are allowed to come to work in slacks and a t-shirt to ease off the stress of the week. Doesn't it sound so much better than Thursdays?Why it Sucks - mostly, it doesn't. Still, you are gonna get traffic jams all the same: people wanna hurry up home from work so, once again, every bastard who owns a car brings it out to the streets. You are exhausted from the hardships of the week and completely drained, but there's still a glint of life in you, the one you're gonna take to the party or the relaxation time after dinner. If your work wasn't done by Thursday, however, this is gonna be another hurry-up day, a stress-filled day. And you also have the anticipation: you want that clock to mark six, seven, whatever your hour is for dropping everything and moving on to the weekend. A watched pot never boils, so you're gonna feel like time doesn't go. In schools, it is the day in which teachers love to send homework - something to keep students busy during the weekend, you know? Pricks.
The Silver Lining - once you leave your school or work, it's weekend.
How to Deal With It - tie up all loose ends. Calm down. Try to slide past your Friday with as much ease as possible. When the time comes to leave work or school, chill. Find a bar. Go to a party. Have a drink with the guys. Fire up the console. Stay online until 4 in the AM. Have fun.
-- Saturday --
Origins - dedicated to Saturn, saeternesdaeg. In the Catholic church, it's the day in which you pray for the dead, because it was on a Saturday that Jesus lay dead on a tomb. In the Norse culture, it was the Viking day for bathing, from the Scandinavian Lördag, "bath day". It is the second day of Jewish Shabbath, and most names derivate from that word. On Saturday morning, most channels air cartoons, so it's kid's time. Saturday Night Live is on, as well as several comedy TV shows, and unless you have something better to do, Saturday night is party night, as observed by the movie Saturday Night Fever (1977). Folklore tells us Saturdays are favored days to hunt vampires, as they're restricted to their coffins on this day, and people born on Saturdays could easily see vampires when they were otherwise invisible. Why it Sucks - you know what I like to call Saturday? Hangover and High Roleplay Day. My party night is Friday, so I'm gonna spend most of my day in bed sick. If I can't go out, I'll be playing D&D or online for a longer period than usual, so that's good too, but I'm still gonna be sleepy all the time on a Saturday. But it's worth it, isn't it? It's your free time, and you don't wanna lose a second of it. Still, if you have nothing to do, it can be the most boring day of the week...
The Silver Lining - the week's over.
How to Deal With It - go crazy. Do everything you want. Don't let boredom take you: pick up a game, go out with the friends, watch a movie, blog, celebrate, bring down the bloody house!
-- Sunday --
Origins - oh, hard. It's the "day of the Sun", of course. Many cultures understand Sunday as the first day of the week rather than the last, I don't like that, I'd rather have my weekend paired up. It's the day of sports events, big and colored comic strips on the newspaper and special dishes on many restaurants.Why it Sucks - again: by proxy. Anything that is close to a Monday gets spoiled, you notice? Sunday is a sad day... it's your last day of rest before some more bullshit. And if you're a Saturday Night person, you're a Hungover Sunday one too.
The Silver Lining - still 24 hours to do whatever the fuck you want to do...
How to Deal With It - enjoy it to the max. Don't let yourself say the words "Shit, tomorrow I have to go back to work".
24 April 2009
Ten Romantic Comedy Plots That Suck
"If a movie can be described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball." ~ George Carlin
#10 - They were fine until the third leading actor arrived.
You all heard the saying, "Three's a crowd." Apparently this one follows the premise. You have a man and a woman who are madly in love, want to get together, marry and screw around, but there's someone in the middle who won't let them. It can be the mother-in-law, a stupid friend, the neighbor, someone who wants one of the ends of the couple bad, you name it, it's been done.
You know what bothers me about these? Why can't they just say "Fuck off"? Anywhere you are, whoever you are, if you found your significant other (your one true significant other, because love is never fake or a mistake in romantic comedies) would you let someone walk in and keep you when you're about to get some unless they're bleeding to death? If you found your true significant other, would you let someone, anyone, stop you from getting together with them, get married or even date? No! You'd say "Fuck off" and toss them out the window if they didn't comply soon enough!
But no. Because if that was so, the movie would end in half an hour. They'd introduce the lead cast, move them into a set with a window, have the first or second interruption happen, the meddling subject being tossed out, carried to the morgue, a happy wedding, the end. Instead, they grant you 90 to 120 minutes of rather unfunny problems, frustrating situations, dialog between actors on the subject that they just can't tell the idiot to fuck off for whatever reason and everyone finally and painfully reaching an understanding for a happy ending. The idiot ceases being an idiot and everything goes well. It is a complete flatline of a movie. It's 90 to 120 minutes of your life you can never get back and if you're renting or watching on the theater, 3 to 5 euros you can't get a refund on. Avoid them like the plague.
#09 - She is full of shit. He has a lot of patience.
This genre was founded and shaped by Sex and the City. Let me give you any episode of Sex and the City: four women hop around any available beds while the one telling you the story drives an audience and a man nuts by saying 'yes' to a relationship with him at the beginning of the episode and 'no' at the end, or vice-versa.
See #10 here. Guys... guys. Suppose a girl carries you on her palm for days, weeks and years. Unless you enjoy suffering, you will eventually let it sink, and tell her to go to Hell. The sad thing is that there are women who watch these movies and copy them into real life: they carry guys around for eons saying it will happen, and when they're about to take a bite off the cookie, the ladies pull it away and take everything back. I know people to whom this was done once, twice, three times, and they still chase after. For them I have three words to tell their women: "go", "to" and "Hell". But there is more. These movies are filled with bitches who should shut their piehole, and instead keep telling their indecisive friend one of two things: either that this isn't a good idea, or that they're fools to deny it. Usually you have at least one of each per movie, to add to the confusion.
And just try to understand that script like a sensible, intelligent person. The first time she says it's not possible because he's always busy. Then she goes back. Then she says it can't happen because she hasn't gone over her last boyfriend. She goes back again. Then she says it's not meant to be because she's confused, not sure this is what she wants. She goes back once more. By this time she runs out of excuses and just says it's over because it is. And of course, she will go back before the end of the bloody movie. Suppose you go watch this... it's like the movie is stuck in the same segment. She says yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes! It is the most frustrating thing you'll ever see!
Sex and the City, respective creators and copycats, you know what? Go to Hell!
#08 - They were adapted from classics. The whole thing is literary murder.
Before my life was turned inside out, I was getting my degree in English literature. During it, before and after, I ran my eyes over several classics in that language. And Hollywood, as usual, wrecked it for me.
The Importance of Being Earnest. Taming of the Shrew. Both set in modern days and with new and improved dumbness. Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Cyrano de Bergerac, did they become mental or were born retarded?! I give that they were comedies and concerned romance to begin with. But you know what reasonable directors usually do when they decide to make adaptations of classic plays to the big screen? They set it in the proper time. You know what asshole directors do? They set it yesterday. But keep the speech as it was written originally! Who the fuck says "I come to wive it wealthily in Padua" today?! This isn't funny, or romantic. It's stupid.
For curiosity purposes and general deficiency as learning from mistakes is concerned, I have sat through dozens of these pictures. Some were romantic comedies, some were not. It makes no sense to adapt shit to modern days. Especially as romantic comedies go. First because it's adapting good plays to bad movies. That can hardly be avoided, though. Now along with having a ridiculous setting for its script, throw in: a 20-ish actor pretending to be older, with a great dentist who never combs his hair in the morning; a 30-ish actress pretending to be younger who couldn't be funny if she was dressed like a clown; a supporting cast the sort you find drinking in alleys; and a director who was given way too much artistic freedom. It is usually at movies like these I take a big bucket of popcorn along. I eat the popcorn while waiting to be sat, and then barf into the bucket throughout the movie.
#07 - One of them has some sort of issue. The other doesn't care.
You know, whoever gave soap opera screenwriters a dictionary, or the definition of the medical condition which causes someone to lose their memory partially or completely should be hanged upside down and beaten with bamboo swords. There is nothing screenwriters (soap operas' and romantic comedy's alike) love more than amnesia. Especially if hilarity ensues from said amnesia.
In several movies, amnesia plays a big part, especially in helping Adam Sandler get a chuckle or two. Americans finds cancer too serious, so that was not included. But it's not just that: it's a minor physical deficiency, it's trauma, stuff like obsessive-compulsive syndrome, having been hurt in the past (I reckon this is also borrowed from soap operas), you name it: as long as it won't kill you by the end of the movie or is so serious it'd cut the "comedy" part they want the movie to have, it's been done. The record is held by a movie called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999, and "male gigolo", by the way, is a very redundant expression) in which you have freak height, freak weight, Tourettes, blindness, insta-sleep syndrome and a missing limb. It's like a modern version of Freaks (1932) if it was ever adapted as a romantic comedy.
The message this is trying to transmit is that appearances don't matter, and that love surpasses all obstacles. What it really transmits is that minor quirks in your personality or looks will make you look like a freak in the eyes of society, undeserving of love until you find your Belle, who is perfect and completely ignores whatever problem you have. I don't know about you, but any guy who was still in denial about who I am and how I am after the first few dates would get the walk.
#06 - He is a loser. She is the prom queen. They both have stupid friends.
Romantic comedy set in college or highschool... most often aimed at teenagers and one of the greatest catalogs of stereotypes ever filmed. It's always the same: you have your preps, your jocks, ninety-seven girls called Stacy, Ashley or Amber, your gothic / punk / emo /metalhead crew (whatever's considered rad, worrisome and forbidden at the time) and of course, your nerds. If schools in USA are really all like this, America is more doomed to idiocy than I first thought.
The premise of this is another very old saying, slightly based off physics: opposites attract. So usually you have the will-be prom queen and doubtlessly prettiest girl in school, who dates either the king of all preps or the master jock. Said counterpart, of course, is a douchebag and treats her like shit, but she still dates him because "he is, like, totally handsome?" and they make a pretty pair. In walks the biggest loser in school, doubtlessly nerdiest guy in the lot, and all these people go through thick and thin, until she finally dumps her boyfriend and sticks with our would-be hero. Sometimes you have this adapted to adult years: pretty secretary who ends up dumping the company CEO for the reclusive computer programmer, attractive girl who chooses the loser over the winner. You get the drift.
So. Does it sound like bullshit yet or do I need to explain? These movies were created with the loser as target audience. To show that appearances don't matter, and it also doesn't matter if you're a mouth-breather and a social reclusive, love will find you anywhere you are. Which as you know, isn't true. Unless you go out and actively meet people, like the best part of us doesn't, you're gonna end up alone. Also, does anyone still identify with the people who appear on this, so that they can enjoy the movie? Is anyone like, or want to be like any of the characters featured in a movie like this one? Or is this another round-up of stereotypes without much sense? The screenwriter probably watched Grease one time too many.
And the friends these people have! Yes, because the attractive girl is never a source of the "comedy" half of the movie. And unless he is humiliated for some reason, neither is her boyfriend. The comedy comes from the nerd and his friends, or the jock's friends, both of which are dumb as bread. They're not just quirky or ridiculous, they are actually really stupid. Because at some point some of them will come up with schemes to join the two which are so far fetched they sound like they were made up in a Tom & Jerry episode, or one crowd will be humiliated by the other throughout the whole thing. Oh, did I mention there is a possibility both cliques will actually end up one huge batch of friends at the end? Get outta here...
#05 - One of them has an artful hobby. The other doesn't have a hint of talent.
When screenwriters need to make someone whimsical, or a free spirit, or plain "unique", they give them an Eastern religion, philosophy of life and/or an artful hobby. For some reason, it's usually the girl. In fact, if they want to make someone "unique", an artful hobby is involved somehow. It can be dancing, or painting, collages, sculpting, pottery, whatever. It can be fuckin' macramé, it's gonna be there. And it usually is the cornerstone of the whole plot: it's the one thing that will unite the couple and bring them together into loving bliss at the end of the movie. If she dances, he wants to learn how to dance. If she paints, he is absolutely breath-taken by what she paints and can't stand not meeting her. If she makes collages, they are not a boring as crow homage to her trip to the Dead Sea, they're the most stunning thing he ever saw (which shows he aims rather low and settles for very little, if you ask me). If she does macramé, he either wants to learn how to do it, or purchase everything she does out of it, even if it's just a bloody knot.
Now, ever since Dirty Dancing, this has been a staple in romance. There has to be something pretty to look at which will join the two characters in the same place at the same time. Dancing in particular is perfect, because it involves a lot of body activity which of course reminds the audience of sex: if they're not going at it, they're dancing. They can be doing both. Let me tell you something: people with hobbies may be more interesting because of what they put into it or what they get out of it... but they are not, in any way, "unique". Nobody is bloody "unique". Everyone identifies with someone or something else. If you had been absolutely devoid of any contact with any civilization or living things, you would be truly unique. That would be the only way in which you could. Otherwise, throughout your infancy and teenage years, you have been influenced by and relate to a thousand people, some you know, some you emulate. Giving someone an art-based hobby does not in any way make them "unique".
The comedy part of the deal comes when he tries to get closer by learning whatever it is she does. If it's dancing, he has two left feet. If it's painting, he couldn't hold a brush straight to save his life. If it's collages, he's gonna glue himself to the couch. If it's macramé, the first thing he does is an improvised finger trap. Stupid friends and on-again off-again stuff like in #09 may also be tossed in for good measure.
I'm gonna apologize in advance to anyone who finds a 90 minute celluloid about dancing or painting interesting. I think it's fuckin' boring. I don't feel particularly amazed by painting or dancing or macramé. A shitload of people do it. That's right: it's not so astonishing that someone knows how to tango, a lot of people go to schools specifically to learn how to tango, it's not awesome. It would be awesome if she could actually paint and do the tango at the same time. Do not lower the common standard! Also, if I was trying to teach someone how to dance and they kept stepping on my toes over and over, I wouldn't find it romantic in that "He is so lovably clumsy" way. I'd find it frustrating and painful. Overall, the artful stuff is just masking one of the other pointers in this list. They are the sour bread that goes with a bad meal.
#04 - He is a successful businessman. She doesn't speak a word of English.
Still on the school of love conquering all, apparently language barrier is not a problem either. And we're seeing this more and more as time goes by. Usually you have an American and someone else: Mexican, Spanish, Portuguese. The misconceptions that arise from the fact they don't speak the same language provide the comedy, and somehow, in a non-physical way, they fall in love. Eventually the non-English side of the couple tries to learn a bit of the language so they can contact with the other end of the deal, but no matter how hard she tries (did I mention it's also usually the girl?), she never manages to learn proper English in the movie.
Now... for those of us who do not believe in things such as the Sasquatch and love at first sight, this comes as odd. How do you fall in love (note that I am making a very clear distinction between "love" and "attraction") with someone you know jack about? You don't, right? Even as one-night stands are concerned, there's always some sort of topic of conversation: what's your sign, what do you do, do you like Italian food... anything! When someone finds a boyfriend abroad, they usually need to have contacted in any way in order for it to happen! I don't care if it's a language, a set of numbers which translates into a reality, mimic, Pictionary, Morse code, whatever! They must have known something about one another and in order to do this, they need to communicate! What do you see in these movies? They communicate via gestures, but only about unimportant issues. How in crow's name do these people fall in love when they can hardly ask in which side of the bed does the other person prefer to sleep?
Okay, so it's plain bullshit. It's a movie - it's fantasy, okay. But even fantasy has its limits. If it's not anchored to reality somehow, it can't happen. Did you see A Knight's Tale (2001)? Okay. Did you buy people in Medieval ages singing We Will Rock You? Of course not! There should be a horror movie based on this premise, in which two people who don't speak the same language meet, she falls in love with him, but he's a serial killer who preys on foreigners and has an intent to kill her instead... they tried to do something similar with Hostel, but fuck, even there, there was a common language! You need a common way to contact in order to have someone killed, but you don't need it to fall in love with them? C'mon!
#03 - One of them is married. The other begs to differ.
Adultery, plain and simple. Anyone who's been cheated knows these movies are shit. Apparently one end of the happy couple is married, but then falls in love with someone else. So what do they do? Do they sit down and have a calm conversation with their spouse about it and plan to try and leave the marriage on good therms? Of course not. That's not interesting plot-wise, and sadly, it's not what usually happens either. Instead, they cheat, and somehow either fall in love again with their spouse by the end of the movie or manage to get a divorce and settle everything up peacefully.
Settle everything peacefully? Get a second chance with the wife? Nah, fantasy's fantasy, but this is pushing it.
What's romantic here? This is not a story about two lovers going against all odds to stay together. There is very little romantic value to adultery, it's depressing: the one who cheats feels bad about cheating but does it anyway, the one who is partner to the crime feels worse because its counterpart won't leave the spouse, and the one being cheated on is plain sad. And while I like to see the circus catch on fire and find it frankly hilarious, assuming this is comedy you can actually laugh at instead of smirk, calling it funny is a really big stretch. You know, this is a movie that fails at all categories. It fails as romance, as comedy, it's not even half a decent drama... as I see it, adultery makes good plots for slasher films but that's about it.
And worse still, you have those in which the couple wants to cheat, but dares not. Still the married end won't leave the security of marital life. Blue Ball city. Most tedious.
#02 - One of them doesn't believe in love. The other begs to differ.
One of them says he doesn't believe in love. This may happen either because they've been disappointed in the past, or because they never did find love in the first place. And of course, eventually in walks the dreamy partner who will prove them wrong. We spend the whole movie seeing the usual stupid friends giving mixed opinions about the whole deal and our leading lady or gentleman being tossed to and fro by indecision: will he stick to his / her principles, or will he / she give in to the roaring passion? Damn, this is a hard one to guess.
Everyone is entitled to change opinions, but you know what? I'd like to watch a movie in which someone would decide it wasn't worth it. A movie in which she doesn't wanna see his socks in the same drawer as her pantyhose. One of those movies in which he decides her country CDs have no place with his rock albums. A movie in which either of them decides they don't wanna wash twice the dishes and twice the laundry. That would surprise me. I might enjoy that. I might give all that reflection and stupid friend advice a value if there were a couple of these movies to balance out the ones in which, of course, they decide they will compromise. As we are, you can tell this type of sucky plot from the first five minutes: she doesn't believe in love? In walks Prince Charming. He doesn't believe in love? The Princess should be just around the corner.
And what's with this bullshit of "not believing love"? Does anyone anywhere actually has no faith in love? Of course, after getting a disappointment or if they never got anything going their way, they'll say it. But I doubt anyone is willing to completely renounce love, money or the extra slice of pie. Watching this is like watching an addict trying to drop the smokes: they may say they don't want anything else to do with nicotine, they may even struggle to keep true to it, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, there we go: in comes the old pacifier.
Let me address this as well. Everyone is pretty in Hollywood, we all know that, unless the part specifically asks for someone plain. But why is it that in these movies, the side of the couple who begs to differ is always handsome? You know what it looks like? It looks like the other side is selling their principle for a set of abs or a pair of boobs. You guys, this is the 21st century. There is no need for a relationship in order to have sex... in fact, some prefer it that way! Renouncing love is the same as renouncing sex now? Apparently, yes, because if you watch this sort of movie, this is the idea the screenwriter gives you. What a pack of crow droppings.
#01 - He hates her. She hates him. They go at it like weasels.
And so we reach the final instance of our absolute suckage. It's like sticking your nose in a vacuum cleaner, that's how much it sucks. You've all see this, right? And it falls along with entry #06. Opposites attract: you will even hear it said in real life, that if two people absolutely hate each other, they are likely to end up together. So you are given a movie in which a man and a woman are competitive about something. They can work in the same place and want the same promotion. They can be neighbors who hate each other's music. Or two professionals of the same trade forced to work together by Destiny. Whatever it is, they get on each other's hair, and if they're not sleeping together mid-movie, you have yourself an unpredictable plot. By the end of the movie, they're getting married, and because this is a romantic comedy, they're gonna argue then as well, while the whole reception chuckles happily and the priest shakes his head in a patronizing way.
Whatever happened to enemies? Someone who can play all your keys in reverse and leave you seeing red? If you're murdered and the police asks your friends if you had any enemies, is there someone they can name? What happened to the bitch you hated in school? The guy who always made fun of your weight? Is it possible that true enemies were all copyrighted by horror movies and will end up dead in the first 20 minutes? Whatever happened to friendly rivalry? Or even plain rivalry? Something that gets you out of bed a little earlier in the morning. Whatever happened to saying that your rival may be hot but you wouldn't fuck him or her because you don't want any part in anything that gives him or her pleasure?
Alright, so if you're already thinking I'm an asshole because I like my violence, let's approach this from another angle, shall we? Whatever happened to admitting someone else is better at something that you (never existed) and stop making a fuss about it? Whatever happened to doing your job and minding your business and not giving a crap about the guy working next to you (also never happened)? Because let's face it: they may be great in bed, and they may be great in the one event that will make them realize they will work better together (which happens near the end of the movie, of course), but otherwise, they will attempt to top each other throughout the movie, way into the marriage and eventually compete about who files for a divorce first. The only sane way to watch this movie is in reverse: start with the wedding and show the slow deconstruction of a relationship.
Again, it's boring. It's like watching Death Note and assume L is sleeping with Light behind the scenes (control your joygasm, oh fanfic-writing fangirls). It's pointless. Why are they making all that noise, put them in a room with a bed and put the audience out of their misery! You know already that if a man and a woman hate each other, they will end up together... fast forward to the ending and save yourself time, it's not like it's impossible at this point... geez what a waste of a perfectly good film budget. The only good thing about it is that it only lasts for 90 minutes...
#10 - They were fine until the third leading actor arrived.
You all heard the saying, "Three's a crowd." Apparently this one follows the premise. You have a man and a woman who are madly in love, want to get together, marry and screw around, but there's someone in the middle who won't let them. It can be the mother-in-law, a stupid friend, the neighbor, someone who wants one of the ends of the couple bad, you name it, it's been done.
You know what bothers me about these? Why can't they just say "Fuck off"? Anywhere you are, whoever you are, if you found your significant other (your one true significant other, because love is never fake or a mistake in romantic comedies) would you let someone walk in and keep you when you're about to get some unless they're bleeding to death? If you found your true significant other, would you let someone, anyone, stop you from getting together with them, get married or even date? No! You'd say "Fuck off" and toss them out the window if they didn't comply soon enough!
But no. Because if that was so, the movie would end in half an hour. They'd introduce the lead cast, move them into a set with a window, have the first or second interruption happen, the meddling subject being tossed out, carried to the morgue, a happy wedding, the end. Instead, they grant you 90 to 120 minutes of rather unfunny problems, frustrating situations, dialog between actors on the subject that they just can't tell the idiot to fuck off for whatever reason and everyone finally and painfully reaching an understanding for a happy ending. The idiot ceases being an idiot and everything goes well. It is a complete flatline of a movie. It's 90 to 120 minutes of your life you can never get back and if you're renting or watching on the theater, 3 to 5 euros you can't get a refund on. Avoid them like the plague.
#09 - She is full of shit. He has a lot of patience.
This genre was founded and shaped by Sex and the City. Let me give you any episode of Sex and the City: four women hop around any available beds while the one telling you the story drives an audience and a man nuts by saying 'yes' to a relationship with him at the beginning of the episode and 'no' at the end, or vice-versa.
See #10 here. Guys... guys. Suppose a girl carries you on her palm for days, weeks and years. Unless you enjoy suffering, you will eventually let it sink, and tell her to go to Hell. The sad thing is that there are women who watch these movies and copy them into real life: they carry guys around for eons saying it will happen, and when they're about to take a bite off the cookie, the ladies pull it away and take everything back. I know people to whom this was done once, twice, three times, and they still chase after. For them I have three words to tell their women: "go", "to" and "Hell". But there is more. These movies are filled with bitches who should shut their piehole, and instead keep telling their indecisive friend one of two things: either that this isn't a good idea, or that they're fools to deny it. Usually you have at least one of each per movie, to add to the confusion.
And just try to understand that script like a sensible, intelligent person. The first time she says it's not possible because he's always busy. Then she goes back. Then she says it can't happen because she hasn't gone over her last boyfriend. She goes back again. Then she says it's not meant to be because she's confused, not sure this is what she wants. She goes back once more. By this time she runs out of excuses and just says it's over because it is. And of course, she will go back before the end of the bloody movie. Suppose you go watch this... it's like the movie is stuck in the same segment. She says yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes! It is the most frustrating thing you'll ever see!
Sex and the City, respective creators and copycats, you know what? Go to Hell!
#08 - They were adapted from classics. The whole thing is literary murder.
Before my life was turned inside out, I was getting my degree in English literature. During it, before and after, I ran my eyes over several classics in that language. And Hollywood, as usual, wrecked it for me.
The Importance of Being Earnest. Taming of the Shrew. Both set in modern days and with new and improved dumbness. Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Cyrano de Bergerac, did they become mental or were born retarded?! I give that they were comedies and concerned romance to begin with. But you know what reasonable directors usually do when they decide to make adaptations of classic plays to the big screen? They set it in the proper time. You know what asshole directors do? They set it yesterday. But keep the speech as it was written originally! Who the fuck says "I come to wive it wealthily in Padua" today?! This isn't funny, or romantic. It's stupid.
For curiosity purposes and general deficiency as learning from mistakes is concerned, I have sat through dozens of these pictures. Some were romantic comedies, some were not. It makes no sense to adapt shit to modern days. Especially as romantic comedies go. First because it's adapting good plays to bad movies. That can hardly be avoided, though. Now along with having a ridiculous setting for its script, throw in: a 20-ish actor pretending to be older, with a great dentist who never combs his hair in the morning; a 30-ish actress pretending to be younger who couldn't be funny if she was dressed like a clown; a supporting cast the sort you find drinking in alleys; and a director who was given way too much artistic freedom. It is usually at movies like these I take a big bucket of popcorn along. I eat the popcorn while waiting to be sat, and then barf into the bucket throughout the movie.
#07 - One of them has some sort of issue. The other doesn't care.
You know, whoever gave soap opera screenwriters a dictionary, or the definition of the medical condition which causes someone to lose their memory partially or completely should be hanged upside down and beaten with bamboo swords. There is nothing screenwriters (soap operas' and romantic comedy's alike) love more than amnesia. Especially if hilarity ensues from said amnesia.
In several movies, amnesia plays a big part, especially in helping Adam Sandler get a chuckle or two. Americans finds cancer too serious, so that was not included. But it's not just that: it's a minor physical deficiency, it's trauma, stuff like obsessive-compulsive syndrome, having been hurt in the past (I reckon this is also borrowed from soap operas), you name it: as long as it won't kill you by the end of the movie or is so serious it'd cut the "comedy" part they want the movie to have, it's been done. The record is held by a movie called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999, and "male gigolo", by the way, is a very redundant expression) in which you have freak height, freak weight, Tourettes, blindness, insta-sleep syndrome and a missing limb. It's like a modern version of Freaks (1932) if it was ever adapted as a romantic comedy.
The message this is trying to transmit is that appearances don't matter, and that love surpasses all obstacles. What it really transmits is that minor quirks in your personality or looks will make you look like a freak in the eyes of society, undeserving of love until you find your Belle, who is perfect and completely ignores whatever problem you have. I don't know about you, but any guy who was still in denial about who I am and how I am after the first few dates would get the walk.
#06 - He is a loser. She is the prom queen. They both have stupid friends.
Romantic comedy set in college or highschool... most often aimed at teenagers and one of the greatest catalogs of stereotypes ever filmed. It's always the same: you have your preps, your jocks, ninety-seven girls called Stacy, Ashley or Amber, your gothic / punk / emo /metalhead crew (whatever's considered rad, worrisome and forbidden at the time) and of course, your nerds. If schools in USA are really all like this, America is more doomed to idiocy than I first thought.
The premise of this is another very old saying, slightly based off physics: opposites attract. So usually you have the will-be prom queen and doubtlessly prettiest girl in school, who dates either the king of all preps or the master jock. Said counterpart, of course, is a douchebag and treats her like shit, but she still dates him because "he is, like, totally handsome?" and they make a pretty pair. In walks the biggest loser in school, doubtlessly nerdiest guy in the lot, and all these people go through thick and thin, until she finally dumps her boyfriend and sticks with our would-be hero. Sometimes you have this adapted to adult years: pretty secretary who ends up dumping the company CEO for the reclusive computer programmer, attractive girl who chooses the loser over the winner. You get the drift.
So. Does it sound like bullshit yet or do I need to explain? These movies were created with the loser as target audience. To show that appearances don't matter, and it also doesn't matter if you're a mouth-breather and a social reclusive, love will find you anywhere you are. Which as you know, isn't true. Unless you go out and actively meet people, like the best part of us doesn't, you're gonna end up alone. Also, does anyone still identify with the people who appear on this, so that they can enjoy the movie? Is anyone like, or want to be like any of the characters featured in a movie like this one? Or is this another round-up of stereotypes without much sense? The screenwriter probably watched Grease one time too many.
And the friends these people have! Yes, because the attractive girl is never a source of the "comedy" half of the movie. And unless he is humiliated for some reason, neither is her boyfriend. The comedy comes from the nerd and his friends, or the jock's friends, both of which are dumb as bread. They're not just quirky or ridiculous, they are actually really stupid. Because at some point some of them will come up with schemes to join the two which are so far fetched they sound like they were made up in a Tom & Jerry episode, or one crowd will be humiliated by the other throughout the whole thing. Oh, did I mention there is a possibility both cliques will actually end up one huge batch of friends at the end? Get outta here...
#05 - One of them has an artful hobby. The other doesn't have a hint of talent.
When screenwriters need to make someone whimsical, or a free spirit, or plain "unique", they give them an Eastern religion, philosophy of life and/or an artful hobby. For some reason, it's usually the girl. In fact, if they want to make someone "unique", an artful hobby is involved somehow. It can be dancing, or painting, collages, sculpting, pottery, whatever. It can be fuckin' macramé, it's gonna be there. And it usually is the cornerstone of the whole plot: it's the one thing that will unite the couple and bring them together into loving bliss at the end of the movie. If she dances, he wants to learn how to dance. If she paints, he is absolutely breath-taken by what she paints and can't stand not meeting her. If she makes collages, they are not a boring as crow homage to her trip to the Dead Sea, they're the most stunning thing he ever saw (which shows he aims rather low and settles for very little, if you ask me). If she does macramé, he either wants to learn how to do it, or purchase everything she does out of it, even if it's just a bloody knot.
Now, ever since Dirty Dancing, this has been a staple in romance. There has to be something pretty to look at which will join the two characters in the same place at the same time. Dancing in particular is perfect, because it involves a lot of body activity which of course reminds the audience of sex: if they're not going at it, they're dancing. They can be doing both. Let me tell you something: people with hobbies may be more interesting because of what they put into it or what they get out of it... but they are not, in any way, "unique". Nobody is bloody "unique". Everyone identifies with someone or something else. If you had been absolutely devoid of any contact with any civilization or living things, you would be truly unique. That would be the only way in which you could. Otherwise, throughout your infancy and teenage years, you have been influenced by and relate to a thousand people, some you know, some you emulate. Giving someone an art-based hobby does not in any way make them "unique".
The comedy part of the deal comes when he tries to get closer by learning whatever it is she does. If it's dancing, he has two left feet. If it's painting, he couldn't hold a brush straight to save his life. If it's collages, he's gonna glue himself to the couch. If it's macramé, the first thing he does is an improvised finger trap. Stupid friends and on-again off-again stuff like in #09 may also be tossed in for good measure.
I'm gonna apologize in advance to anyone who finds a 90 minute celluloid about dancing or painting interesting. I think it's fuckin' boring. I don't feel particularly amazed by painting or dancing or macramé. A shitload of people do it. That's right: it's not so astonishing that someone knows how to tango, a lot of people go to schools specifically to learn how to tango, it's not awesome. It would be awesome if she could actually paint and do the tango at the same time. Do not lower the common standard! Also, if I was trying to teach someone how to dance and they kept stepping on my toes over and over, I wouldn't find it romantic in that "He is so lovably clumsy" way. I'd find it frustrating and painful. Overall, the artful stuff is just masking one of the other pointers in this list. They are the sour bread that goes with a bad meal.
#04 - He is a successful businessman. She doesn't speak a word of English.
Still on the school of love conquering all, apparently language barrier is not a problem either. And we're seeing this more and more as time goes by. Usually you have an American and someone else: Mexican, Spanish, Portuguese. The misconceptions that arise from the fact they don't speak the same language provide the comedy, and somehow, in a non-physical way, they fall in love. Eventually the non-English side of the couple tries to learn a bit of the language so they can contact with the other end of the deal, but no matter how hard she tries (did I mention it's also usually the girl?), she never manages to learn proper English in the movie.
Now... for those of us who do not believe in things such as the Sasquatch and love at first sight, this comes as odd. How do you fall in love (note that I am making a very clear distinction between "love" and "attraction") with someone you know jack about? You don't, right? Even as one-night stands are concerned, there's always some sort of topic of conversation: what's your sign, what do you do, do you like Italian food... anything! When someone finds a boyfriend abroad, they usually need to have contacted in any way in order for it to happen! I don't care if it's a language, a set of numbers which translates into a reality, mimic, Pictionary, Morse code, whatever! They must have known something about one another and in order to do this, they need to communicate! What do you see in these movies? They communicate via gestures, but only about unimportant issues. How in crow's name do these people fall in love when they can hardly ask in which side of the bed does the other person prefer to sleep?
Okay, so it's plain bullshit. It's a movie - it's fantasy, okay. But even fantasy has its limits. If it's not anchored to reality somehow, it can't happen. Did you see A Knight's Tale (2001)? Okay. Did you buy people in Medieval ages singing We Will Rock You? Of course not! There should be a horror movie based on this premise, in which two people who don't speak the same language meet, she falls in love with him, but he's a serial killer who preys on foreigners and has an intent to kill her instead... they tried to do something similar with Hostel, but fuck, even there, there was a common language! You need a common way to contact in order to have someone killed, but you don't need it to fall in love with them? C'mon!
#03 - One of them is married. The other begs to differ.
Adultery, plain and simple. Anyone who's been cheated knows these movies are shit. Apparently one end of the happy couple is married, but then falls in love with someone else. So what do they do? Do they sit down and have a calm conversation with their spouse about it and plan to try and leave the marriage on good therms? Of course not. That's not interesting plot-wise, and sadly, it's not what usually happens either. Instead, they cheat, and somehow either fall in love again with their spouse by the end of the movie or manage to get a divorce and settle everything up peacefully.
Settle everything peacefully? Get a second chance with the wife? Nah, fantasy's fantasy, but this is pushing it.
What's romantic here? This is not a story about two lovers going against all odds to stay together. There is very little romantic value to adultery, it's depressing: the one who cheats feels bad about cheating but does it anyway, the one who is partner to the crime feels worse because its counterpart won't leave the spouse, and the one being cheated on is plain sad. And while I like to see the circus catch on fire and find it frankly hilarious, assuming this is comedy you can actually laugh at instead of smirk, calling it funny is a really big stretch. You know, this is a movie that fails at all categories. It fails as romance, as comedy, it's not even half a decent drama... as I see it, adultery makes good plots for slasher films but that's about it.
And worse still, you have those in which the couple wants to cheat, but dares not. Still the married end won't leave the security of marital life. Blue Ball city. Most tedious.
#02 - One of them doesn't believe in love. The other begs to differ.
One of them says he doesn't believe in love. This may happen either because they've been disappointed in the past, or because they never did find love in the first place. And of course, eventually in walks the dreamy partner who will prove them wrong. We spend the whole movie seeing the usual stupid friends giving mixed opinions about the whole deal and our leading lady or gentleman being tossed to and fro by indecision: will he stick to his / her principles, or will he / she give in to the roaring passion? Damn, this is a hard one to guess.
Everyone is entitled to change opinions, but you know what? I'd like to watch a movie in which someone would decide it wasn't worth it. A movie in which she doesn't wanna see his socks in the same drawer as her pantyhose. One of those movies in which he decides her country CDs have no place with his rock albums. A movie in which either of them decides they don't wanna wash twice the dishes and twice the laundry. That would surprise me. I might enjoy that. I might give all that reflection and stupid friend advice a value if there were a couple of these movies to balance out the ones in which, of course, they decide they will compromise. As we are, you can tell this type of sucky plot from the first five minutes: she doesn't believe in love? In walks Prince Charming. He doesn't believe in love? The Princess should be just around the corner.
And what's with this bullshit of "not believing love"? Does anyone anywhere actually has no faith in love? Of course, after getting a disappointment or if they never got anything going their way, they'll say it. But I doubt anyone is willing to completely renounce love, money or the extra slice of pie. Watching this is like watching an addict trying to drop the smokes: they may say they don't want anything else to do with nicotine, they may even struggle to keep true to it, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, there we go: in comes the old pacifier.
Let me address this as well. Everyone is pretty in Hollywood, we all know that, unless the part specifically asks for someone plain. But why is it that in these movies, the side of the couple who begs to differ is always handsome? You know what it looks like? It looks like the other side is selling their principle for a set of abs or a pair of boobs. You guys, this is the 21st century. There is no need for a relationship in order to have sex... in fact, some prefer it that way! Renouncing love is the same as renouncing sex now? Apparently, yes, because if you watch this sort of movie, this is the idea the screenwriter gives you. What a pack of crow droppings.
#01 - He hates her. She hates him. They go at it like weasels.
And so we reach the final instance of our absolute suckage. It's like sticking your nose in a vacuum cleaner, that's how much it sucks. You've all see this, right? And it falls along with entry #06. Opposites attract: you will even hear it said in real life, that if two people absolutely hate each other, they are likely to end up together. So you are given a movie in which a man and a woman are competitive about something. They can work in the same place and want the same promotion. They can be neighbors who hate each other's music. Or two professionals of the same trade forced to work together by Destiny. Whatever it is, they get on each other's hair, and if they're not sleeping together mid-movie, you have yourself an unpredictable plot. By the end of the movie, they're getting married, and because this is a romantic comedy, they're gonna argue then as well, while the whole reception chuckles happily and the priest shakes his head in a patronizing way.
Whatever happened to enemies? Someone who can play all your keys in reverse and leave you seeing red? If you're murdered and the police asks your friends if you had any enemies, is there someone they can name? What happened to the bitch you hated in school? The guy who always made fun of your weight? Is it possible that true enemies were all copyrighted by horror movies and will end up dead in the first 20 minutes? Whatever happened to friendly rivalry? Or even plain rivalry? Something that gets you out of bed a little earlier in the morning. Whatever happened to saying that your rival may be hot but you wouldn't fuck him or her because you don't want any part in anything that gives him or her pleasure?
Alright, so if you're already thinking I'm an asshole because I like my violence, let's approach this from another angle, shall we? Whatever happened to admitting someone else is better at something that you (never existed) and stop making a fuss about it? Whatever happened to doing your job and minding your business and not giving a crap about the guy working next to you (also never happened)? Because let's face it: they may be great in bed, and they may be great in the one event that will make them realize they will work better together (which happens near the end of the movie, of course), but otherwise, they will attempt to top each other throughout the movie, way into the marriage and eventually compete about who files for a divorce first. The only sane way to watch this movie is in reverse: start with the wedding and show the slow deconstruction of a relationship.
Again, it's boring. It's like watching Death Note and assume L is sleeping with Light behind the scenes (control your joygasm, oh fanfic-writing fangirls). It's pointless. Why are they making all that noise, put them in a room with a bed and put the audience out of their misery! You know already that if a man and a woman hate each other, they will end up together... fast forward to the ending and save yourself time, it's not like it's impossible at this point... geez what a waste of a perfectly good film budget. The only good thing about it is that it only lasts for 90 minutes...
20 April 2009
Weekly Log - 13 through 19
Mon Apr 13
Crow. If you think a Friday the 13th is bad (and several tasteless sequels show that Friday the 13th IS really fuckin' bad), try adding the bitter taste of a Monday to the mix. It's hideous. It's like that bitter burn at the back of your tongue after you barfed out a few gallons of beer.I had to raid all pockets I could remember having for change to buy bread and milk today. I found enough in 20 cent coins to get a pack of smokes, even. Alright, I took 2 euros from Kid Bro, but screw it, he's out nearly everyday. An old lady cut in front of me in the line to the register (which reached the back of the store, by the way), carrying several cans of beans and pork. For some reason, I imagined her carrying one in her purse at all times. Emergency meal, improvised weapon and lifesaving bribe if she's ever chased by dogs or hobos. I'm losing my mind. I didn't bother too much: by the time we reached the register, I cut in front of her again. She was upset, but the grocery store guy didn't care and neither did I.
One of the elevators in the building is busted, the other had several sheets of newspaper on the floor. Somewhere in this building there's an over-enthusiastic or incontinent dog. Maybe both. So I took the stairs, and that's how I found out that the horde of roaches that sometimes plagues this building is back. Give 'em a little rain, they all pop out, and it's been raining a lot lately.
Got my usual dose of the "we have no money and it blows chunks" speech as soon as I got home. While there are a few pointers I'd like to give for this one, but what's the use? That's a battle I've been fighting for several months now, I tire. Quoting Luse, this is complete and utter bullshit.
The 'net died for some hours in the afternoon, I didn't bother to call support. It came back later, so I could do the regular job ad round-up. It's amazing what they ask people for to work at a counter these days. You don't have to know how to operate a cash register, but you need to be able to wear store merchandise. So they want living dummies to model their clothes, shoes, accessories, the works, and still make sales. Even the most unknown, corner store I found wants someone who will model for them along with helping customers decide between the acid washed jeans and the stone washed ones (I don't know the difference, do you?). According to the UK chart I'm wearing a size somewhere between 20 and 22 for trousers, 42 to 44 for sweaters and size 7 shoes. Good fuckin' luck trying to find a store that sells something along these.
"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks." ~ H. Allen Smith, American writer.
Tue Apr 14
Got up, Mum wanted money, so I went down to the ATM to see how my account is. Apparently, my account is dead. Came back, she blamed Pops and asked if someone had called me about a job. Felt like answering that yes, they did, but I didn't say anything because it was the Interpol and they want absolute discretion.
Depressed. It does wonders for my writing speed, apparently, but not so much for my mood. I am actually early on the writing quota.
Depressed. It does wonders for my writing speed, apparently, but not so much for my mood. I am actually early on the writing quota.
Wed Apr 15
From this day on my Mum's on vacations. So this is the perfect chance for us to be on each other's hair more often.I wanna know who the deaf motherfucker living somewhere on the right side of the building is. I woke up with some of the worst music known to Man and Beast banging at my window. I don't mind lousy music when I have my headphones on, Hell, demolish the whole bloody building with kizomba for all I care. But music that bad and at my window when I'm asleep? It brings my piss to a boil. I wanna know who he is and where he lives, so I can leave a bag of cat shit on fire at his doorstep and dispose of my trash in his mailbox. Even when my old Sony speakers were working, and those could make the 7th floor windows shake on full force, I never forced another human creature to listen to my shit, why is it this one has the need to broadcast his? There's a pair of decent headphones on the corner chinese store at 2 euros, jackoff, go buy them and let me sleep!
Thu Apr 16
I don't really know what to write, so here's an excerpt from the Book of Murphy. This'd be quoted as Book of Boredom 03:03, translated into English for blogging purposes. This is where we refute popular wisdom concerning Murphy and bad luck. '3 "He who is lucky at gambling is unlucky in love" was some of the greatest bullshit the Desolate had ever heard. Because many of them didn't even want to look at lottery tickets, and even if they had wanted to look at lovers, there were none. 4 "Lightning never strikes twice" was also complete bogus. Let us meditate in the case of the man who got saved from the World Trade Center attack, only to get an airplane smashing on his face in Queens. 5 "Bad things come in threes" was well known to the Desolate: bad things come in threes, fours, fives, twelves, forty-sevens...'
Fri Apr 17
I'm glad this week's over. What a steaming pile of shit. Depressing, annoying, irritating, the whole nine bloody yards. I spent my day pulling qualities I don't have on paper in hopes of getting better chances at a job and planning future campaigns. If I didn't have friends and D&D, I'd have tossed myself out the window already.Then again, that'd probably only break my legs, seeing as I live on the second floor and all... there goes my suicide plan. Speaking of suicide, I'm curious about reading this book, Kanzen Jisatsu Manyuaru by Wataru Tsurumi. It seems it's a pretty controversial book that apparently provides specific instructions for killing yourself in a variety of ways. It wasn't censored to death (HA!) in Japan because apparently they only censor explicit depiction of sexual organs there. Japan's awesome or creepy, pick one. Unfortunately, it seems the book doesn't cover "Death by Aggressive Haunting", eventhough their horror cinema shows us everything is haunted in that part of the world, so there goes my hopes and dreams again.
And since I'm on the subject of death, dying and all that cute emo shit, I'll leave here that you guys know what to do when I go. I want a bottle of tequilla, a deck of cards and a pack of smokes inside that casket when my time comes, in case I wake up six feet under and care to have some fun while I'm there. Don't forget the lighter.
Weekend Apr 18 - 19
Refugee weekend. No place to go, no money to go anyway. Amongst my goodies for the weekend are Frank Miller's Sin City comics, the first two seasons of the series Masters of Horror and a shitload of D&D books I was missing. Guide to Hell will be particularly useful in the future.
16 April 2009
Games of Old
My very first gaming console was Master System II. Check out that huge D-Pad, and the pause button on the console itself. Classy. I can still remember it. When it first came to my home, it only had two games: Alex Kidd and Sonic the Hedgehog, both spawns of SEGA. I was six years old and games were pretty new: this was 1991, the console had been out for a year worldwide but was new to Europe, along with the NES. The console became the most cherished appliance we had at home. I played, my Mum played, even my Dad managed to do a few levels from time to time.Then we got a few more games for it (I recall there was a Michael Jackson game, and one called Psycho Fox which we all thought was awesome), and eventually got a hold of a Genesis. That was one of the golden ages of gaming in this household. There were games everyone could play: the folks especially liked Mega Bomberman and most platformers. We owned a Saturn for a while, although we didn't have many games for it, and eventually went into the PSX, Gamecube and Playstation 2 realms. The Playstation 2 is, after the Genesis, the console with a greater lifespan in the house. Before we sold a good deal of our games, we owned over sixty different titles, half were my brother's, half were mine, and a few were also picked up by my Mum. She found she was particularly fond of Final Fantasy titles and general RPG then, with the tenth game of the franchise coming out. It was also on PSX and Playstation 2 my love for horror and survival games bloomed, as well as stealth. Kid Bro became the great fighting game moolah mogul he is today on Playstation 2, mainly.
On portable consoles, we owned a Game Gear for a while, but it was bullshit. The best thing I ever bough on handheld consoles was my Gameboy Color: eight years afterwards, it's still up and running. I doubt any other handheld will have my appreciation as much as it. I also did quite a bit of playing elder games from SNES on emulators on my PC later on. Although I never owned them, I did play several games on NES, Dreamcast and even a Wii and Playstation 3, recently.
Why am I typing all this for you? Quite simple. To prove I've seen a good deal of the gaming evolution from the old days until now. And let me tell you something: there are no such things as master gamers nowadays. That is a title belonging to the past. Here's why.
Back in the day we didn't have as much luxury in gaming as we have nowadays. Most games didn't have a save system. You had a number of lives, maybe a number of continues, and if the lights went out for some reason, your game was lost and you'd be starting from the beginning. In one of my old neighborhoods we sometimes had blackouts, and you don't know how frustrating it is to be at the level before the last in a game and have to start at the beginning because lights went out. Nowadays, if you wanna take a little break, you save and turn off the console - back then, that was murder. I never did it myself because my parents would've killed me, but I had friends who started to play in the early morning and left the game on while they were in class, to continue when they came back home. You literally had to sit in front of the TV for hours unend to finish a game. And if you lost all your lives and/or continues, you'd go back to the beginning of the game. Not to your last save.
And even things like Pause buttons were not as common as you think. It's a true relief to be able to pause for a bathroom break once in a while these days. The Master System II had a Pause button on the console itself. The problem is, it didn't work with all games. For example, you could pause Alex Kidd, but good luck getting a break in Psycho Fox. The NES didn't have a Pause button. In fact, before the Genesis and SNES age, it was rare to get a gaming console with a Pause button. I look at controllers for Gamecube and Xbox, and I'm amazed: how did we get to this? I'm from a time when it was as simple as D-Pad, A button and B button. You had three buttons, canon: figure it out. Characters in games never had more than a couple moves: walk, run, jump, crouch. Whatever else you needed to do, you'd have to combine buttons to. Does anyone still know what up-up-down-down-left-right-left-righ-B-A is? Because if there's a code to remember, this is it.
But that's not all. Games were also harder. I know guys who can dominate everyone in Lineage, Halo, World of Warcraft, the works... and they can't get through the first level of Super Mario Bros. without taking damage somehow. I recently played a few levels of Sonic the Hedgehog, and it surprised me how much I sucked. See nowadays you have all sorts of games, but back then, it was platformers, RPGs, fighting, shooter, sports and puzzles. I mostly recall platformers, perhaps because that's what we played more at my place. You got an action or adventure game, chances were that they were platformers, and something that doesn't exist anymore called sidescroller. Yeah, start at the left, and the end of the level is at the right. Levels are apparently also gone: now you have chapters, arcs, even hours and nights, but "levels" seems to be gone.
It took skill back then. You had to memorize sets of buttons, or even worse: go real old school and mash them at random. It was simpler, yes, but harder. Nowadays, your job is to try to level up characters and weapons, but back then, unless you were playing for instance Mega Man, the guy you began with was the one you had to take with you til the end. Power-ups, yes, but leveling-up like we do today, we never had to do. Crow, someone who could make it halfway through Contra was a hero. I truly think games were harder, maybe because they were simpler. There are no more master gamers, nobody dedicated enough to a game to play it without fucking up or goofing off at some point, someone who will spend hours just practicing and having fun. And games are easier these days, so it doesn't take the same level of mastery. Hell I recall owning Genesis games I was never able to complete halfway try as I might (Contra, I'm looking at you again), and I hardly owned a PS2 game I didn't finish or near-finish. The title "master gamer" is lost with time, folks.
Not that I'm complaining about the newer generation of games. In fact, most of my favorite games came out in the past ten years. I'm just saying that when you hear that douchebag speak of how he owned ass at Unreal Tournament, maybe you should give him some Contra to play.
15 April 2009
YouTube Wednesday with X-Men in the 90's
So, my good people... X-Men Origins: Wolverine is on very soon. Are we hyped yet? I am - too much for my own good. While seeking trailers, I stumbled upon this little gem.
Ah, 90's cartoons. Notice how Storm actually has a more or less African accent and they tried to give Gambit a fake French accent as well. And Wolverine actually does sound like a chain smoker. I miss these cartoons, you know? In fact, isn't there a torrent anywhere...?
Ah, 90's cartoons. Notice how Storm actually has a more or less African accent and they tried to give Gambit a fake French accent as well. And Wolverine actually does sound like a chain smoker. I miss these cartoons, you know? In fact, isn't there a torrent anywhere...?
13 April 2009
Weekly Log - 06 through 12
Mon 6 Apr
I've raided Almada for jobs as my period for not trying call-centers approaches its end. Kid Bro went along on his cruise to the mall. I've handed him some resumes to deliver there. I've walked up and down the town, some new stores opening around, several coffee shops who could maybe need a waitress for Summer... zilch. I'm calling a call-center nearby tomorrow. Well, it seems it's another Monday of ill luck and bad news. I went by a comic book store wondering if I could find a few Poison Elves numbers, or order them if the price wasn't out of my reach and I did find a job... other than the two tribute comics, Lusiphur and Lirilith and Parintachin, no deal. It's e-Bay or nothing. Crow.
Tue 7 Apr
I called a call-center and agreed to meet the supervisor at lunchtime. Once again, Kid Bro went along, since we were planning to seek out a D&D store in Almada when this nasty thing is through. This would be ideal, since it's near where Pops works and he would have no way of saying no if I showed up to have lunch with him, and the pass for the city train is 16 euros only. The guy spoke to me for ten minutes on the phone before I headed there. When I arrived, he wasn't in, so I waited. And waited. And waited a bit more: forty-five minutes to be exact. Not that I mind, I have all afternoon. But I find it odd that someone is looking for people to work, urgent, and won't be here when it happens. What, there's nobody else to talk to me here? Alright, it's a small company, but so was the one from my previous job and they found someone to talk to me for a bit when I got there, even if just to fill in a file sheet while awaiting the interview. He finally arrived, and first greeted Kid Bro, thinking the job was for him. Then when I corrected him, he didn't know my name. Didn't ask for a resume. Didn't ask how old I was, only if I had worked the trade: I have, in fact I've worked it long enough to know I hate it. Two minutes into the talk, he asked if I could come back tomorrow at the same time.
I could be an illegal alien, he wouldn't give a fuck. I mean, at least the normal data from my ID! In most jobs, even for call-centers, they give a damn if you have a criminal record. I could be wanted by the FBI, these guys wouldn't give a rat's ass! And no talk about how I'm paid, when, how much and who does my taxing, me or the company. I'm starting to find all this very odd. Adding to the fact all the workers I saw there were below 20 years of age, I'm starting to think this may not be for me...
Wed 8 Apr
Back to the center. The guy wasn't in, again. Talk about having to chase a job. I never had so much trouble about a call-center position before. Again, he spoke to me for 2 minutes to ask if I had experience and put me listening to the oldest person in the center. That'd be a girl 20 years old who has been there for seven months. I finally figured what I'm selling. Nothing like a bit of ill luck: I'm selling services from my own Internet provider. But I'm cool with it. I know the trade. In fact, side-by-side didn't teach me anything new: it only allowed me to see equipment sucks here. No auto-dial, and that's usually what call-centers get first. The client list is a copy of the phonebook, and everything is done by hand. I'm cool with that too: at least I don't need to look at a stupid script in a computer monitor, I can do my own thing. And yet, the most important thing was still not defined: how much, how's taxing and who's paying. The supervisor, or owner, or... boss, whatever the fuck he is here, disappeared again and wouldn't talk to me. I decided I had had enough, so I stopped the girl I was listening to and asked her.
Well, I knew it. This was sounding too odd to be a normal call-center. They employ mainly highschoolers of college freshmen, 3 hours a day, and all they can guarantee is 200 shinies a month. After tax and social security, it barely covers a month's electricity bill. I went home to Mum with the info. She told me to keep looking: it was too cheap and without any security. It seems my time period to avoid the deadful call-center was just prolongued. I can't help but feel a little depressed even so... I'm still unemployed.
Thu 9 Apr
Back to the battlefield. I'm sending to many resumes a day I don't even know to which ads I answered. Thinking of going to City Hall and see if they have contests opened for a position in there. How hard can it be? They do jack.Had a long and rather interesting argument with Mum about the progressive stupidification of the human being. That's one of my favorite subjects. So is the progressive pussification of the human species, I like that too. The issue was brought about by watching an ad for a GPS device you can get on your cellphone or iPhone. I can see where it's useful in a car: you're driving on your own, you don't wanna stop (or can't) to consult your map, you get there without problems. But if you're on foot or riding a bycicle, why the heck do you need a GPS device? Aren't there town maps spread on every important place? And people on the street you can ask where this or that is? And excuse me: if you're somewhere and can't read a simple town display to get somewhere, then I'm sorry to say, you're really very dumb. My Mum has problems reading maps and can perfectly understand concepts like "second on the right", "turn left and then left again" and "across the street from the cleaner's".
In a city like Lisbon, getting lost is easy, but it's also easy to find yourself: every street leads everywhere else, it's a simple, square plant, and I think it's no secret that if you turn right four times, unless you get a wall somewhere, you're gonna end up where you began. There is such a thing as technology to make your life easier. There is also technology to decrease your braincell activity.
Fri 10 Apr
Friday. Night for going out. But my wallet's dry, so I'm staying in, doing missions for three lords on each other's back in Shinobido. It's so much fun. I especially like to bait them somewhere with a mushroom or piece of sushi and then jump them. Death from above!I could use a beer today, however...
Weekend Sat 11 - Sun 12
I kept wondering if Easter was this weekend. When a message arrived wishing me a happy Easter, I got my answer. I'm done with celebrating holidays of faiths I don't belong to. Especially Easter: it's useless, work and school-wise. It's always on a Sunday by default (I actually had never thought of this until Chico brought it up - thanks, Chico). I figured, sometime in the past, while awaiting the arrival of yet another Christmas Eve: I'm not a Catholic, why the heck should I celebrate their holidays? Because they've been considered the default religion? Bullshit. You don't see me celebrating Hannukahs and Kwanzas. And in Christmas you eat well, but Easter only brings about chocolate... screw Easter.I got Bon Jovi's discography (I was missing songs I liked by them, like Runaway, Blaze of Glory, Bed of Roses and Wanted Dead or Alive, and Mum wanted most of the recent stuff he did. I'm not big on the recent stuff myself. I usually don't go by slows, Bed of Roses is an exception, and the man's done a lot of them on the past decade or so) and X Japan's too (courtesy of that bloke on Burning Cinder Fury, thank you for the tip). Seeking the number of Gen13 I'm missing is killing me, and learning that "Eww" Boll is producing yet another BloodRayne makes my skin crawl. Won't anyone drop this guy's plane in the Atlantic ocean, preferrably when he's in it?
7 April 2009
'Room 6'
When watching horror movies, you sometimes have to deal with sorts that are tricky to handle. You have straight-to-video flicks, the B-series, the slasher movies (some people enjoy them, I don't like 'em to much), the fake snuff films, the ones who don't really mean to be serious (nicknamed "zombie comedies", since the best part of them involves zombies in one way or another), the bullshit that was considered awesome decades ago and now frankly sucks... still, I watch all this (so you don't have to!) Why do I watch it all? Because mainstream also fails a lot, and sometimes, you hit a movie in the straight-to-video which, like Dead End, manages to be mighty decent. So you see, even amongst a pile of rubbish, you manage to find pearls from time to time. But the movie I bring to you today, sadly, is not a pearl. It's bunny droppings from 2006.Room 6 is a complete flatline flick. One of the most boring things I've ever seen, and on horror I've seen plenty. Christine Taylor (you remember the blonde from Zoolander? Well I should've seen her resume before watching the movie. If I had known she was in fuckin' Friends, I could've guessed this was gonna suck bad) and Jerry O'Connell (let's see... Kangaroo Jack, Scream 2, Police Academy 5, Stand by Me... ah yes. His face is very familiar) star as two people involved in the same car crash. Their loved ones get taken into a hospital, but nobody wants to reveal to them where this hospital is. Because it is a Hellish pit where they are both going to be killed horribly. As if this wasn't enough, la Taylor (for flick purposes, Amy) is dead scared of hospitals ever since she was a little girl, due to a mysterious issue involving her father. And now, in order to get her boyfriend back, she needs to walk right into the worst of them all. The movie was directed by Michael Hurst, also responsible for such (master)pieces of shit as Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud and House of the Dead 2. He not only directed this, he also wrote the damned thing. Now, if you're still interested in watching this steamy pile of manure, I'll be doing SPOILERS up ahead. Go watch it, go vomit, and then come back to listen to me type similar complaints to yours.
First and foremost, why the fuck did I watch this in the first place? Well, read the intro... and also, keep in mind yours truly thinks hospitals are creepy as crow. Maybe I've played a level too many of Silent Hill, and maybe I've hated hospitals from the bottom of my gut ever since I've known of their existence. They're horrifying as is, without a horror plot. There has to be something to this, I thought. There has to be something you can like amongst it. Also, have you ever heard of free association? It's something you usually can't avoid doing. Room 6's title reminds me of Session 9 and I figure - maybe they're similar. This is the biggest mistake you can do when picking a movie... and after all these years, I made it. The title was enticing... although the cover was shit for the birds. The "demonic face" school of horror movie covers is older than me.
What upsets me the most is that hospitals have a good potential for horror, and it's always wrecked somehow. This time? Satanists and blond, big-boobed vampires. Two of the three horror movie things I hate the most. The third is last-minute thought of endings, and I'll get to that in a few paragraphs. This movie is of the kind I refer to as "flatlines". Nothing happens, and what happens, you saw coming. Seriously: midway through the movie, I was guessing every scene. All the nurses are hot? Lesbian vampires. It seems to be a constant since Bram Stoker's Dracula and one of the staples of every cheap, poorly thought-of horror movie. Woman afraid of hospitals because of an issue with her dad? Can you guess? She pulled the plug on him. Whoa, difficult! And wait, there's a twist: the guy who's trying to help her? He's in on it too! Damn, I didn't see that coming at all! Bullshit...
Effects are hideous. I've seen better stuff zapping through Buffy the Vampire Slayer last week! But that's not the problem, I mean, effects don't make a movie. It's how they treat them. People have a budget for a movie, right? They have a budget, they need to pay the actors, take care of sceneries, camera crew, directors, screenwriters, all that stuff. It's normal they can't afford medium quality effects. First rule of the horror movie: if you can't show it right, don't show a lot of it, audience will fill in the blanks. Some movies gain in showing their prime attraction. Movies like Jaws, or Alien: we came in to see it. We want good, close shots of it. But when you only have generic demons and monsters to show, it may be a good idea not to show it too close, because you'll be compromising the quality of the mystery. You ever see Angel? (and why on Earth do you?) That's how the effects on this kidney stone wannabe were! What am I looking at? A horror movie for little kids?
Alright. I even tried to see it from another perspective. For a straight-to-video, it's bad, but maybe... just maybe it was meant for a specific audience. Like the aforementioned Angel, that was meant for a specific audience... one I don't wanna meet, but specific all the same. Maybe this was actually aimed at little kids... or not. See, Tales from the Crypt was aimed at young audiences. And effects weren't half as bad as in this shit. 1989 to 2006... only proves my theory. Even in the little things that don't matter globally... we've got stupider on the past two decades.
And when you finally need to wrap up the ending... what the fuck? Twenty minutes from the ending, you have a paralyzed bloke and a blonde running from vampire nurses. Fifteen minutes from the ending, the same blonde and the not-so-paralyzed anymore guy are running for the hills. What the fuck? Wasn't he paralyzed? And she just walks inside the room and takes him away, no struggle, no obstacles? Want more? They walk out the hospital door, so what now? The hospital is still there, they're both out or so it seems... badabing, pre-death dream. You're granted a final scene of Amy dying in the car crash after saving her boyfriend from certain doom! I have seen this trick well done. This is not it: why does she die? About three minutes before she does, she's talking fine, she's saying she "passed the test" (I swear on my best pair of sneakers, the script is just... it's like everything else: stale, boring, predictable), she looks mildly affected but not fuckin' dying! Why is it every screenwriter who doesn't know how to wrap up a horror movie gives you the "dream" bullshit? They give ill name to those which actually do this sort of thing well!
If you wanna take a gander at it, by all means, download the piece of shit. But don't pay for it: not worth your dough. It belongs to that group of poorly though, poorly conceived, poorly scripted pieces of crow you have to find in all styles from time to time.
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