Seion's Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

Yeah, I'm sorta late this year. What with the moving, the working and the shitty connection that takes its time to upload what I write making typing these posts an inhuman form of suck, I'm afraid my usual letter was severely delayed.

You and I've always had a love/hate relationship, Santa. But I would like to say (without brown-nosing, mind you, since I've already got myself the Christmas gifts - spare you some time) that, as a professional, I sort of admire you. You've been working this lousy task for eons now, and hope to crow you won't lose it before retirement. Someone with your age and a resume that just won't stand on its own legs, you'll be in the unemployment lines forever.

I know why you'd want this task actually. The hours are awesome. You work one night as a deliveryman, and spend the rest of the year administrating a factory and doing mostly office work. But I know it's not easy. The way you carry, with the beard and flying around in the air, I'm surprised Americans haven't arrested you on terrorism charges. And you walk into little kids' rooms to give them toys and treats, it would be very likely they'd throw in some pedophilia just because. Your insurance on the sled must be a pain in the neck every year, plus reindeer feeding and vets (there's eight of them, after all...). You've been doing ads for over 30 years and never seen a red cent on that. With the poles melting up, you'll probably have to move your operation somewhere high like the Himalayas, and of movings I know...

Plus, what's with the kids these days huh? I remember being nine and asking you for a bucket full of Lego (which I still have, by the by, one of your best works by far, thank you), and now I see these brats asking for the Xbox 360, 3G cell phones, laptops and notebooks... you must be head over heels trying to hire any elves who know electronics. Or getting deeper and deeper into debt making partnership with all those companies. Is that why you're always wearing the same clothes, or is it a uniform sort of thing? This is why I sort of got my own Christmas gifts... a PS3 for me and my brother, new (secondhand) cell for me, another one (also secondhand) for Mum, furniture for the house and a lot of great food.

And now even the Catholic church wants a quarrel with you, I hear. They made an appeal for people to stop hanging Santa dolls out their windows. Instead, they're selling a red cloth with a naked baby Jesus (which is creepy like all Hell on their part) for €15 a piece for people to hang instead. I mean, come on! You buy a big one for €8 in any chinese store... I know it's mockery on your work to hang a Santa doll, but see things this way: this is the generation of Twitter, iPhones and mandatory ID chips for each and every dog. If you don't get some advertising, you're done. And I mean advertising for yourself. Not for all the crow-damn companies that keep featuring you in their publicity.

Speaking of which, even that got jaded this year, huh? Last year you were featured next to two smoking hot Christmas Mamas (Mrs. Clause must've been mad as a turkey, huh?). This year, you were featured in an ad in your underpants! What the Hell happened?

I know you're worried about your job, Santa. We all are. These are some seriously fucked up times. Maybe you should consider retiring - go to Bocca Ratan, get under the Sun, melt a pack of butter on your belly, take up bridge and pipe-smoking, the works... but hey, between you and me, it's one way to get out of the house when Mrs. Clause mentions the Christmas Mamas, even if just once a year. Who knows, maybe she'll be less of a stiff in Bocca. Consider it. With all the years you've been shoving money for social security, you're bound to get one awesome retirement fund.

Anyway - my Mum's sleeping on the living room, so if you do choose to drop in for a snack, take care not to wake her up. Beer's in the pantry, white wine in the fridge. Some shrimp leftovers and pudding are also in the fridge, I recommend both (the pudding, especially), and if you want something to go, there's a pack of chips somewhere in the kitchen. If you need coffee (and crow do you ever...) it's by the oven.

Cheers,
Seion

PS - I don't know if you had anything to do with my cat being found after 2 weeks lost. But if you did, it was the best Christmas present ever. Surpassed the Lego bucket by half a mile at the least.

PPS - Bring an extra jacket when flying around Western Europe. I'm pretty sure at this point we're getting as cold as the crow-damned Pole.