Disney bought WHAT?!

Alright. I'm pissed, and I'm about to write an article which is strictly a matter of personal opinion. Skip this if there's any problem with that.

I do not await something like Penny Arcade parodied today, I know it seems like it, but I'm not that dumb. Still, let me explain exactly what causes me to become a teensy weensy pissed at the deal that happened just this week.

As you probably overheard already, Disney bought Marvel for US$ 4 billion. A bargain, considering how much Marvel was discredited in the past few years, in my humble opinion. First and foremost, kids nowadays don't give as much value to comic books as my generation did, and would rather spend their bling on cellphone plans and faster Internet connections (which proves, once again, nothing is sacred as soon as the Internet comes into the picture, but that's hardly the point). Marvel fucked up pretty much and pretty bad in its day, not in one but all of their many, many, many, many comic books and cartoon series. Even the movies in which the company had been involved backfired horribly. Constant deaths and rebirths of the same guys tend to discredit a comic book company. And most of the treasured Marvel heroes are now too old and too jaded from their original selves to be of any real interest both for the older and newer crew. I cannot honestly say the company being sold comes as a surprise.

You know what other company people don't give much of a damn for as well? Disney. When I was a kid, Disney stood for high quality cartoons. Nowadays, they've become just one more cartoon company, as I see it. And I don't say I dislike Disney at this point, but rather that I moved on to other interests. I have nothing against Disney - it's how they do things. At this point, I don't give much of a damn for theme songs in cartoons (even if I can still sing the Portuguese version of two or three songs from The Lion King) or happy endings. Hence why, at a point, I turned to Marvel. Sometimes there were happy endings and sometimes the shit hit the fan. I don't care much for the same bloody characters over and over again (because let's face it, Disney has a penchant for stereotype just like any other company...), and in wanting to see some different ones, I also turned to Marvel. Plus, Marvel already had merchandise up the ass, but Disney takes the cake here. It's been eighteen bloody years since The Beauty and the Beast came out, and I'm still seeing Belle's face stamped on clothing, toys, school supplies and party decorations. Not even Wolverine or Spiderman, arguably two of Marvel's favored heroes, have that much stuff.

So for starters we have a company that only gets some success nowadays through other companies (name me a Disney movie, in the last five or so years, that wasn't made by Pixar Studios) buying a company that's been disappointing a good deal of their fans for a while now. I treasure Marvel heroes dearly, but it's been years since I've bought a comic - for me, the minute they disclosed Wolverine's past and tried to make sense of all the shit storywriters have done with his life since the 60's was the minute they lost me. I haven't given a flying crow for Disney since I was a little kid and despite having extensively read several older comics of my favorites, like I said, I haven't given Marvel any of my money for years. Supposedly, I have no grounds for complaints, so why am I even writing all this?

Because I like Marvel heroes and I like movies and cartoons, that's why.

Disney being a cartoon company, with Pixar studios on their back to boot, of course they'll want to cash in on Marvel heroes' popularity and go for a media the geeky fans actually still respond to: the silver screen. Several new cartoon series are in the making, crow only know how many movies are being planned... and of course, the shit stain wouldn't be smelly enough without Marvel-related rides at Disneyland. In a way, maybe Disney can do something for the X-Men series. Did you ever watch Evolution? Better yet, did you see what they did to Deadpool in X-men Origins: Wolverine? Do you see what my problem is?!

At this point you're probably saying, 'But Seion, you angered goddess of a woman, Disney has already stated that they will give the Marvel staff all the creative license they once had! It's not like they're implanting censorship!' Given. And we've seen what Marvel did on its own, why not let someone else call the shots and see if things work out a little better? Of course if you've known Disney for a while, you know they're not the sort to interfere with this sort of thing. Oooh, of COURSE not! (In case I didn't make it clear enough, I'm being sarcastic). You may also say, 'But Seion, you dazzling beauty, does this mean you will stop watching every single new movie and series that comes out with your heroes in it?', to which I'll have to reply that no, I won't, because I'm a sucker for certain brands and trademarks (namely, Wolverine). The difference is that I always watched everything else they did in the past hoping it would be good. They've set the circus on fire now and I'm just going in to see it burn.

By the by, I just read on related news Stan Lee is thrilled with the acquisition. In case you don't know yet, you should be warned the man has been mental for years.

YouTube Wednesday with X-Men in the 90's

So, my good people... X-Men Origins: Wolverine is on very soon. Are we hyped yet? I am - too much for my own good. While seeking trailers, I stumbled upon this little gem.



Ah, 90's cartoons. Notice how Storm actually has a more or less African accent and they tried to give Gambit a fake French accent as well. And Wolverine actually does sound like a chain smoker. I miss these cartoons, you know? In fact, isn't there a torrent anywhere...?

'Tales from the Crypt'

I wanna review something entertaining and slightly longer than a regular movie. I've been watching a lot of shit lately (oh, people, have I been watching a lot of shit... stay tuned to the blog, you'll see), and when I've watched a lot of shit on a row, I usually seek solace in oldies, noir films, Alfred Hitchcock, the works... and a series or two which are dear to me. MST3K is one... and Tales from the Crypt is another. That's what I came here to talk about today.

What's so great about Tales from the Crypt? What isn't? Cheesy, made-for-TV special effects, 20 minutes worth of entertainment, a mascot so disgustingly cute only HBO could have aired it originally and no censorship whatsoever. No FCC bullshit on this one: in one episode of the fourth season, you get full frontal nudity the sort you'll have a hard time getting on cinema. And disembowelments, eyes falling out of sockets, cut fingers, zombies rising, killers, werewolves, voodoo priests, mutants, witchdoctors... and even all the classical mistakes: cameraman on the back, mic overhead, the works. Unacceptable in a serious flick. Great for laughs on a horror comedy series meant for impressionable teenagers.

All the stories on the episodes of Tales from the Crypt come from the same place: five comic book sagas published by EC Comics: the series' namesake, Vault of Horror, Haunt of Fear, Crime SuspenStories and Shock SuspenStories. All aimed at the same impressionable teenagers. The comics ran all through the 50's (uuh, vintage) and the TV series went from '89 to '96, counting a whooping 93 episodes. It's nothing, if you take into account House M.D. counts 106 episodes as of now and it's not over yet, but during the first half of the nineties and being a series aimed at such a short audience, it managed pretty well.

What's amazing is that while most stories in Tales from the Crypt episodes are, well... made for impressionable teenagers... some of them are actually very nice. One of my favorites, for instance, is about a guy who makes a living by dying, since he has nine lives, stolen from a cat. On his last performance, he's gonna be buried alive, and only once inside the coffin and six feet under does he realize that he might have gotten his maths wrong. Another such is about a paranoid man who is convinced that his wife is cheating on him with his best friend. One night, after some heavy drinking, he decides to kill both - and afterwards discovers he might've made a mistake. And how about a modern, female-oriented version of McBeth? Or a crook who after thirty-something years actually starts listening to his conscience - and it won't shut up. Some of them are outstanding, if you look at the worst episodes of it and the audience to which they were planned.

Furthermore, try looking at a list of all the big names involved in acting out the episodes on this. Tim Curry was on an episode (one freaky as crow episode), Brad Dourif too, and Whoopi Goldberg and John Rhys-Davies, Meat Loaf, Iggy Pop (as himself, pretty much), Slash, Joe Pesci (I wanna say "as himself" too, but he's in the sort of part he does best), Adam "I'm-the-goddamn-Batman" West, Demi Moore, Christopher Reeve, Brad Pitt, Benicio Del Toro, holy shit! The series is packed with big names. So if you can stand the cheese, and manage not to build up huge expectations, I would advise everyone to take a look at some episodes. Some stories are really interesting, and it's nice softcore horror for those still starting on the genre or those who want a break from the heavier stuff.

'Hellblazer'

I remember the first time I picked up a Hellblazer comic. That image on the left? That was the cover. Hellblazer # 25, in Brazilian, at an age where I had never heard of John Constantine and for me, DC comics was all about Captain America. It was a time where every two or three days, I'd leave school, hit the store and try to find something to read during Chemistry (that was always lost from day one anyway). It usually takes me about an hour to go through six or seven comic books, so you see, one every two days was a mastery in self-control.

There were a lot of comics with the usual heroes clad in spandex and with awesome powers. And then there was this. Possibly some of the creepier shit allowed to go on a comic book cover back in the day. I picked it up, went through a couple of pages, and brought it home with me. After I read it once, I re-read it until I knew it by heart, and from then on, began scanning the shelves for it. Even after Pops gave away my whole comic book collection without my permission, this number got saved. When I finally found the time and availability to download the English version of the comic, you have no idea how happy I was to finally read this as the writers had intended it to be.

Hellblazer is all about John Constantine -detective, exorcist, regular English badass... and not Keanu Reeves. If the name doesn't ring a bell to you, try going to the club and picking up the movie Constantine, which is an adaptation of Hellblazer to the big screen. Like most adaptations from comic books, it sucks on toes if you're familiar with the original. Constantine is a chain-smoking guy caught between several layers of Hell on Earth, who solves cases and problems related to the paranormal because he can see paranormal shit. We're hinted from some sources that this is not something that he alone does, but that his lineage has been doing for centuries. In a number of Sandman, an ancestor of Constantine was contacted by Morpheus to recover his son's head during the French Revolution (the comic book would be Sandman: Distant Mirrors - Thermidor and the ancestor's name was Johanna Constantine -tell me you didn't see that coming...) All manners or weird shit happen in his comic book. I absolutely adore it.

Several good people already had Constantine on their hands. He first showed up on Swamp Thing, and from then on, he's been picked up by Gaiman (from Sandman), Grant Morrison (The New X-Men), Garth Ennis (Punisher) and countless others. His comic books never fail to impress. Strangely well-written, they regularly feature something most comics only pick during highly dramatic moments: a very good narratorial voice, which often not only describes what is going on in the panels, it also offers insight on thoughts and feelings of the involved parties in a fashion reminiscent of post-modern English literature. You know T. S. Elliot? His Wasteland was written using a similar manner of narrator. The art was very nice, the coloring made in strong tones and little variety, much like those comics meant to be in black and white that later are inked. I could argue DC comics are cheap bastards, but then again, they're still publishing in the original templates. Plastic paper pages and heavy coloring is Marvel's department. I should at this point mention I liked Vertigo comics very much (especially the compilations), which belonged to DC and among other good things, published Hellblazer.

Of course, the movie Constantine (2005) couldn't hold a candle to it. Like many lately, it's a decent, even pretty good movie, unless you're familiar with the real John Constantine. Like Silent Hill (2007) for those who never played Silent Hill, and the American The Grudge (2004) for those who never saw the original Japanese Ju-On (and as a punchline, it's the same director on both languages). And let me tell you, they went all out with the movie. It's the whole of mankind on the line in the movie. Usually the comic manages to afflict little more than a whole city. But hey, I cut them some slack: the city of Los Angeles has enough shit as is, to be cursed by demons on its own. Terminator 2 (1991) was set in Los Angeles, Transformers (2007) was set in Los Angeles, Pulp Fiction (1994) was in Los Angeles and so were half the sitcoms I liked to watch. Damn, it's one cool city. (on a related note, I just imagined Terminator bursting inside the Cheers! pub and killing everyone there, except for Maria de Medeiros who gets saved by Bumblebee).

I do resent a little that Keanu Reeves was picked for the part. I never liked the man a lot both for his face and as an actor, but since The Matrix he's never been without a job. I also resent Peter Stormare being picked for the part of Satan. Not that he's a bad actor, on the contrary. I liked him in The Big Lebowski and Birth, and saw him in a shitload TV series including Prison Break, he's a very decent actor, he has a cool voice, but I think he wasn't very well picked as Satan. When I think of the Price of Darkness, that's usually not what comes to mind. I expected someone not as old and a little more charisma. I did understand why he was picked, however: Lucifer was an angel after all, and I think production was trying to make their Infernal Majesty something that we could believe had been an angel, only he's spent the last thousands of years in the slammer. On that view, they did a good job. Loved Tilda Swinton as the archangel Gabriel (you probably remember her as the White Witch in Chronicles of Narnia), and yes, it is a woman. Awesome job make-up did on making her look genderless. Very well-picked and very well worked with.

Overall, I like the comic better. It's definately worth a look, if you have nothing better to do.