Weekly Log - 28 through 04

Monday Sept 28

Preparations for our own Oktoberfest begin. All points that it's gonna be one motherfuckin' great party. It occurred to me that next year, something happens... something some of you describe as "cute" and some of you describe as "spooky", and which I frankly like to refer to as "cooky" for a lack of a better term that encompasses both things without mentioning Tim Burton. I will be 25 (which as you'll recall is 1/4 of a century), on the 10th day of October (the 10th month) of 2010... I don't know about you, but when so many numbers start dropping together and matching, I get the the massive giggling heebie-jeebies.

Tuesday Sept 29

Sales-wise, this was my worst day yet. Not overly worried here. It's not a matter of positive thinking, it's a matter of not wanting to care on my free time, when I can do absolutely jack about it.

I find they value a lot of things in this job that I do not have, and thus must find a way to fake if I am to keep working. Positive thinking and speaking are two. I've been a realist, with a good sympathy for pessimists, all my life, and the way my life wobbles along the long tightrope of Time, I have no inclinations otherwise. Hope for the best? Maybe. Expect the worst? Of course. That's how I've been walking the tightrope with my head up high for so long: if I get what I'm thinking I'll get, I was expecting it already, so the blow is softened. If I get something better, I'm pleasantly surprised.

Let's see, what else... smiling. They want us all to smile a lot, smile while we're on the phone, smile while we're talking to the boss, smile when talking to co-workers and be polite and agreeable. I can be all that yeah - at the end of the day, my cheeks hurt from all the uncalled smiling. I don't smile easily, and you can tell when I'm faking one just because. On the other hand, when I laugh... I really fuckin' laugh. 'Til I nearly piss myself. Social smiling is probably the most painful kind... you know it as "yellow smile". Yeah. It's rather creepy too huh.

Enjoying new challenges? Depends if the challenge depends on me alone or on sheer fuckin' chance. I don't get overly thrilled by new goals, no: I'm working at an area I generally dislike, the more complicated it gets, the more irritating and less enjoyful it becomes. I like challenge, yeah, but in shit I like doing in the first place.

Contacting with the public? Are you kidding me? I'd kill for a back office job. For having to put up with one boss and a few supervisors instead of one boss, a few supervisors and half the population on this country.

Keep smiling in the face of refuse? Oh that I can do. Especially when I picture the rudest clients getting ran over by a bus filled with foreigners taking pictures as soon as they hang up the phone.

Fairly good lying and acting skills - my best assets ever on finding jobs. "Be yourself and people will like you" - greatest lie ever told.

Wednesday Sept 30

It's nothing short of amazing what my luck does to can me, or what lengths does Murphy carry himself to when it comes to screwing up an otherwise peaceful day. I got the strangest calls today: guys with stutters, guys with impenetrable accents, guys who told me shit that happen 30 years ago when the West was young.

And when I got home, I got a taste of my own medicine - door to door salesman trying to get me to buy something. Please, dude, they taught me the same techniques. Try that on someone who doesn't know you're full of it.

Thursday Oct 01

October is my favorite month. Or used to be. It has nothing to do with my birthday happening in October. I liked it because it used to be the peak of Fall. Rain falling, lightning crashing, thunder roaring, leaves everywhere. Freezing days. Fog. Colds. All my best and favorite clothes were Fall clothes. Riding a train in Fall used to be awesome. Teenagers who got dumber over Summer were all regaining some of their gray mass.

But now, October (and Fall) are just some other ugly, indistinguishable time of a given year. When I was a kid, we learned to tell seasons by coloring items and symbols that represented each: flowers in Spring, fruits in Summer, leaves in Fall, rain in Winter. I wonder how nowadays' kids learn to tell the bloody seasons... then it dawned on me: upcoming comedies tell them. "This Fall, Jack Black and Will Ferrel star in some retarded shit you'll pay € 5 to see whether you like it or not."

Friday Oct 02

It's Friday, I have some cash, and you know what it means. Show me the way to the next whiskey bar and make no questions about it. I attended Allied Friday, dragged some of the guys off to the bar, we drank, we laughed, we drove in circles on the roundabouts and ended up eating fast food in some joint somewhere near the industrial park of my area.

Weekend Oct 03 - 04

Like every good weekend, this was spent doing nothing. Watching episodes of old series and movies with Meryl Streep (Sophie's Choice and Kramer vs. Kramer). And thinking of new and inventive ways to summon Cthulhu into my bathtub, since I have nothing better to do. I still think a dark symbol on a dripping faucet and a series of incantations pronounced from atop the can might do it. Worse comes to worst, at least the neighbors and I will get rid of cockroaches.

YouTube Wednesday with AMVs

By far one of the best AMVs I've seen out there. It's good enough to make Shinji actually look like a man! The song is Gong by JAM, the anime is (of course) Neon Genesis Evangelion and the whole thing was made by FakerEMIYA. Enjoy!

Weekly Log - 21 through 27

Monday Sept 21

How does He do it?

Monday. I got to the subway station, none of my tickets was any good. One of the machines ate my coins and didn't give me a passage. I've been flashing in and out of conscious thought all day, thinking time is passing at times too slowly and at times too fast. Too late did I notice my mp3's battery was in the fry. I almost got ran over on my walk to work from the subway.

Communicating began today (finally!) and for day one, it went fairly well. More ticket troubles occurred on my way back. I stood for the whole trip back, too.

When I got home, I discovered that the strange switch in Mum's head, which causes her to think that going South to live with my grandparents is a good idea, has been flipped once again. Checking for what triggered the flip, I found out Grandpa gave her some spare cash, and then called, saying he's too old to hold on for another year. You know why he did this? Because he knows it fuckin' works! It's basic guilt trip, and after it's been done so many times, I thought she would be a master at dodging it!

Now she's got her head set on going South once more, thinking that's how she'll solve all of our troubles. This time, however, I'm not doing jack squat. I waste saliva reminding her that he'll stop paying by the third month, she keeps making the same mistake over and over. It's high time I let go of the issue. She's 45, she should know what she's doing, and she's been through this before. If she wants to go again, by all means do so with my goddamn blessing. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Thank you, Murphy. Go fuck yourself, you hideous, miserable slob.

Tuesday Sept 22

I got up in a murderous mood. No time to play Manhunt 2, though. It's a great frustration outlet, to pick up a virtual shovel and virtually slam it straight into some virtual asshole's virtual face, taking his virtual life. Level 3 is my favorite - you can smack a guy with a porcelain toilet tank lid, and pile corpses as far up as you want to, since there's a respawn area. I've had the space underneath the stairs filled with corpses, on my last save. Very relaxing.

I did play it when I got home, though. I got a particularly irritating client on the phone today, and on my way back home, some idiot decided this was a good day to delay the bus. Today was mobility day in Lisboa, so you could ride the subway train for free, as well as some buses and the electric car. The Margem Sul bus companies, however, did not join in on this fun. This unicelular organism of some sort entered the bus, stated he would not pay because this is mobility day and the driver should inform himself. The driver, plus twelve women inside the vehicle including myself, explained that we were riding a bus from a private company which did not subscribe to mobility day. What did the asshole do? Sat down, refused to leave and said he wouldn't pay anyway because, quote, "you don't need to pay for buses today". The driver turned the engine off and opened the newspaper.

Oh, to have a fuckin' shovel...

Twelve women inside the bus yelled at the amoeba in the back, long and loud enough that he eventually said he would go to the ATM and pay for a ticket in whatever currency we wanted, because, quote, "I have euros, I have dollars, I have whatever you want". Your absence is the only thing we want from you, brother. As soon as he got his ass out of the bus, the driver started the engine and we were on our merry way. Good fuckin' riddance. I hope the next bus ran him over.

Wednesday Sept 23

I'm gonna go see The Cult in concert this Friday. Shaar got me a free ticket, so thank him lots. I sweat that for the first few days, I made an unpardonable mix-up between The Cult and The Gift... which didn't very much bother me. I like both, the first more than the latter. And they have nothing whatsoever in common...

Thursday Sept 24

Well, great. I woke up to my Mum tossing clothes on me so she could sit down at the desk to use the PC. Then shouting on the phone for a quarter hour. This got me right in the mood for what followed, when I got up, checked my messages and discovered this guy I know went to the bar and asked stuff about my birthday party... when I specifically told him not to, because I wanted to be the one to do it. How the fuck do you get 'Sure, go ahead, it's fine!' from 'No, leave it, I want to do it.' Maybe all this time I've been speaking fuckin' swahili and didn't know.

Seion, what the fuck's happening to you? You promised yourself not to take any unnecessary bullshit. How is it possible you're suddenly taking so much of it? Had this happened a year or so ago you'd have gotten at the subject with bottles and chains, what's with the passive-aggressive crap? Wake up and smell the coffee, girl.

Friday Sept 25

The Cult, Love Tour. Coliseu packed full of people. Hardly any space for an opinion. That's exactly how I like it: there was no room for another soul, even at the balcony.

We were at the audience, though, Shaar and me. We stood in the same area as the hardcore fans, which is the best place to be when watching a show. Even when you start getting tired, their enthusiasm keeps you going on itself. My two problems were that I brought too big a bag for the occasion, and that the opening band didn't show up, thus taking an extra hour for the band to enter the stage.

The worry for my belongings faded away as the show began, and the band began delivering the Love album. This means She Sells Sanctuary, Phoenix, Black Angel and Rain were featured live and in the flesh. Which is precisely what I wanted to listen. We even had some funny moments, when the frontman tossed his bells over to the crowd, and a fight broke over who would keep them. Then he tried to toss a second set for the left wing balconies and missed three times.

Leaving the show, we hit the bars, with some friends joining in to the fun. I went home at the end of the night, made myself some chow and went to bed with a sore throat, a stiff neck and a pair of destroyed legs. Totally worth it.

Weekend Sept 26 - 27

I hit the bar again for an hour or so on Saturday, to ask for some information on the huge birthday celebration. With everything agreed, and other than that, my weekend was pretty regular. I had an odd dream on Sunday. A frightfully real dream. I dreamed I woke up at 6 o'clock PM on Monday, having completely missed my shift at the job. Then I ran outside my room and asked my Mum why she hadn't awaken me, and she said I had it coming because I never woke up on time. I remember in the dream I spent several minutes wondering if I should call my supervisor or not... I then dreamed I woke up at 1 PM on Tuesday and, being late already, I called my supervisor. In the dream, I tried to make up an excuse but I couldn't think of anything. She informed me over the phone I might as well not show up, since I was fired.

Then I woke up, realized it was early Sunday, and cursed my own head for playing this sort of prank on me, since I woke up thinking it was actually Monday and I was late.

Ten (Useless) Items for Sale on Catalog

From time to time, I get a catalog at home. As I recall, I once bought an item from it, a book holder for those times when I had to type on the computer while researching. For school essays, it came in handy. Ever since I bought it, though (around 2002 in fact) I get the same catalog every month on the mail. And while some of their offers are very useful and cool... some are just stupid. Here's ten of those.

#10 - Dishtowel hangers
So you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, washing your dishes from the night's (or last night's) TV dinner. You get a dishtowel fresh from the drawer, dry up your plates, put them in the cupboard and consider your chores done. But wait: you now have in your hands a wet, cold, mushy dishtowel! Whatever shall you do with it? Fear not: just buy these dishtowel hangers, pinch one end on your towel, hang the other from wherever you want, and go about your business. Not only will your dishtowel be dry and ready to use when you come back instead of festering bacteria on the counter, but you'll never have to look for it ever again, since it's gonna be hanging from wherever you left it. And it's all possible thanks to this convenient little object!

First off, stop being a wuss. It's a dishtowel. It's meant to become wet and stay on the kitchen counter endlessly - or at least until you have to dry off some more plates. If you don't get some bacteria in your system, your white globes will get their ass kicked when the time comes to fight off the really serious shit. For eons before anyone ever heard of bacteria, dishtowels and kitchen rags hanged on a counter until they pretty much disintegrated, and the descendants of all those people who used them are still here.

Second point would be that unless you are one of those people who would rather have dents in your drawers instead of handles, you already have a place to hang the bloody thing to dry. In fact, if your kitchen doors or windows have knobs and handles, you have a place to hang them on. At the limit, hang the bloody thing along your clothes for a couple hours.

Third point... why do you want this? It's twelve for a €7.90, go down to your local Chinese store, you get five wall hooks (you know, the sort you can stick on the kitchen tiles? Or anywhere else by the matter?) for 80 cents. Even if you bring ten of them, you're still getting a better deal without waiting up to three weeks. After all, none of us wants you to sweat nervously, looking at your dishtowel lying next to the sink, gathering enough bacteria to kill the whole of the civilized world!

#09 - Banana case
When I was a kid, we had these little half-circle shaped lunch boxes, made out of plastic. You could easily fit a regular sandwich, a piece of fruit and a small pack of juice in them. Nowadays, snacks and lunches seem to have diminished considerably, often consisting of fruit. And what better fruit to eat on break than a banana? After all, it's got fiber, it's got sugar, and it comes in a yellow-tastic color. Unfortunately, bananas are also regarded as one of those fruits which are very easy to squish. So what? Do you take a full lunch box just for a banana - one that hides its yellowness to boot? No! You give away € 6.90 of your cash to buy a transparent banana-shaped case! Problem solved!

My problem with it? None whatsoever... other than the fact you're giving cash for something you probably already own, just because it's yellow and snugly fits your banana. And speaking of snugly fitting your banana, let's get one thing straight... would you actually pull this out of your suitcase, backpack or purse without the slightest hint of embarrassment, giggling or self-consciousness, in front of co-workers, co-eds or about anyone waiting at the bus stop? If so, leave a comment to receive Seion's Diploma of Absolute Nonchalance... or Seion's Certificate of Being Full of It, mark your option.

#08 - Mock security camera and car alarm
So you want some safety measure for your house or car, but you think most security systems out there are just too pricey - especially when you know that there are few chances of your house or car getting robbed. Because, you know, those things only happen to other people. For prices as accessible as € 16.90 (mock security camera) and € 7.90 (fake car alarm), you too can purchase a mock security system for your possessions. Both gadgets resemble the real thing in every detail... except of course they don't record or howl in case you're getting robbed. Still, thieves will think twice before trying to break into your home or vehicle, right?

Wrong.

See, there is a reason why there are so many videos of people breaking and entering. Because security cameras filmed them. Most thieves own caps and are willing to give away fifty or sixty cents for a Halloween mask to hide their identity, so they have no problem going in to rob places with cams. Some of them don't even give that much of a shit and just stroll in with their face showing. Of course, these people are usually caught, since they're on cam... unless you did purchase a fake cam instead of the real deal. Now not only did you get robbed with few chances of police catching the perp, since there's no way to identify him... you also have a piece of metal and plastic hanging outside your house that cost you 17 euros and is absolutely fuckin' useless.

The same goes for your car. So you have a light blinking inside - if some guys can get away with deactivating real alarms, the only thing your fake can hope to achieve is paralyzing them with laughter until the police arrives. Get real. Most thieves don't want to keep or resell your car. They just want to borrow it for a joyride as far away as its gas tank takes them. They couldn't give less of a hoot if the car has an alarm or not: they'll just take it. So just pay for the damn real security system, and spare yourself the embarrassment of explaining to the cops why your alarm didn't go off or why they can't see the tape from that camera.

#07 - No-splatter cover for electric mixer
"Tired of bothersome splatters leaping in all directions when you're mixing eggs, cream or others? Here's the solution! This cover is open on one side and has a central hole so that you can slide in your mixer and thus protect your kitchen counter from splatter!" This, folks, is an almost literal translation of the text describing the item. This, folks, is also one of the most sissified kitchen utensils I have ever seen.

What this does, basically, is cover up your mixer in a lid so splatters cannot get out. It's like using a mixer through a plastic lid. Now, if you ever worked a mixer, you know some techniques should be observed. Like using a deep bowl and not lifting your mixer too far up from whatever it is you're mixing. If you respect the latter, of course, you get next to no splatters. A mixer cover is basically the stupid, lazy, unobservant, € 7.90 costing way to do things. Besides, the way they put it in the ad, they make it sound like you're enough of a klutz to get half your batter all over the walls and ceiling in huge splatters! Remember that wet dishtowel you didn't know where to hang? Well use that!

#06 - USB mini vacuum cleaner
Stop reading this and take a long look at your desk. I'll wait. Back yet? Okay; see all those crumbs, dust bunnies, and the hideous grease marks between the keyboard keys? Aren't you ashamed? And wouldn't it be great if there was a simple way to vacuum all that dirt away while sitting comfortably? Well, couch potato, now there is! The mini vacuum can be connected to any standard USB entry on your computer and works just like the big ones! With just a few pushes of your fingers, you can vacuum away all the dirt on your desk, as well as clean your monitor and get those difficult stains in between the keys with the special brush accessory! And you can do all this for a mere € 16.90!

When I was a kid, an interim aunt of mine (I say interim since she was only my aunt for a year or so - then she got divorced from my uncle, and I never saw her again) gave me a mini shovel and pan for Christmas. When I asked what it was for, she told me it was to sweep the crumbs on my desk. It's funny, because before I had this wonderful utensil, I used to clear them crumbs away with a wet cloth like most human beings out there. It was just one more thing to take up space on the aforementioned desk, and had next to no usage since I had a faster and less stupid-looking way to do it in the first place. This mini vacuum, however, takes the cake as stupid and useless goes. It's about the size of a cigarette pack. Tell me you wouldn't feel stupid hooking that thing up to your computer and pushing it across your desk with two fingers.

Plus, here's yet another thing you're gonna hook up to your CPU, so it can consume unnecessary electricity, take up a USB entry and do something that is absolutely useless! Plus, you're telling me you're paying for it? This is the sort of thing you don't pay for. This is one of those objects that your friends clearly identify as a present from someone who thought it was "cute". Like a relative who doesn't know much about you, or that friend who thinks he's wacky and unpredictable. You want to pay 17 euros for the pleasure of pushing a miniature vacuum across the desk? Grow up, get off your ass and fetch your wet dishtowel.

#05 - Scarecrow stripe
Bird are a pleasure to many. And a nuisance to many others. See, birds have this habit of shitting wherever they stop. If it's a place you don't want them to shit on, well... you need to get them away. For € 7.90, you can purchase a roll of metallic, foil-like stripe. Tie it to your balcony, porch, windowsil or tree limbs, and the noise they make will scare away birds easily! Plus with the light reflecting on them, birds will surely not come back!

Now the only question is: do you want your porch to look like you tied pieces of tin foil to it? Because... this is what it is. It's a roll of super-resistant tin foil.

You know what else scares birds away? The lack of food. Stop feeding the damn things, and they'll probably go elsewhere in seeking nourishment. Still think the tin foil is a good idea? How about one of those sprays they sell at the Chinese store for € 2? The sort that spooks away dogs from the furniture... there's a bird version, you know? Still think the tin foil is a good idea? Alright: wax your porch. If you wax it, the birds can't get a good hold of it. Wait, you still think the tin foil is a good idea? Well... it is your business if you want to have a house that looks like it's been protected against alien brainwaves. Before you do buy a roll of ultra-resistant tin foil, consider this... duct tape. It's silvery, it comes in a roll, it does the same bloody light-reflecting effect!

Ah. Don't forget this as well: birds are also capable of flyby attacks. Enjoy your shit-covered scarecrow stripes.

#04 - Shoe remover
One of the worst moments of my days is getting home. It's not the getting home per se, actually, but the whole process between coming out from the street, and getting comfortable at home. One of the main things needed to achieve this effect is removing my shoes as fast as possible. So I usually sit down, cross legs, remove my left shoe, and then switch legs and remove my right shoe. It's a simple process that takes me less than a minute, even with my boots. Isn't that horrible? All that bending, and leg-switching, and pulling and huffing, and it takes so long! How can I achieve my comfort faster? In comes the shoe remover!

The shoe remover is a plastic piece that allows you to put pressure on one side with your right foot, and use the fork on the other side to remove the left shoe! Afterwards, you can stand on it with your left foot, and easily remove the right shoe! No bending, no huffing, no leg-crossing or switching, and it's all done in a matter of seconds! It's a bargain too, at € 7.90 (which seems to be the favorite price of this particular catalog...) a piece!

Again: grow up. Can you actually take off your shoes with this piece of crap? Or would you end up losing your balance and having to bend over anyway to take your shoes off? Because seriously, I can see this working with simple flats... try a hefty pair of boots or your favorite sneakers. I mean, even as simple flats are concerned, you can remove them easily without bending... by kicking them off of your heels! I'm looking at it and I can tell you the best result you'll have is a hurt heel and a shoe half off, which still needs to be removed manually! Plus, what will you do for sneakers or straps? You still have to bend, sit or stand on one leg to get them untied. While you're down there, remove the fuckin' shoe!! What use is a shoe remover that only works with one or two types of shoe? Stop being lazy. You don't do much exercize as is. Bending over to take your shoes off is the closest you ever get to a sit-up, don't ruin that!

Now, I did consider one thing. Maybe this is meant for the elderly. They are, after all, the age group with the most problems in bending down and getting rid of their shoes. Then it dawned on me... making an elderly person take off his shoes with this is cruel and unusual punishment. Unless he was leaning on a wall, he wouldn't have much leverage to remove a difficult to take off shoe. Again: he'd end up losing his balance and dropping down, maybe hurt his ankle on this thing. Overall, it's a bad fuckin' idea. Everyone takes their shoes off in less than a minute. And if you don't, you're wearing the wrong ones. Keep your € 7.90 and save a bit more for a proper pair.

#03 - Front seat back cover
You have a car, you want to keep it clean. Especially the seats. A lot of your daily life can interfere with your intents, however. Particularly in two main groups: dogs, and kids. Taking your dog to the vet in the car is an adventure in itself. You may want to purchase a seat cover where your best friend can ride, puke, piss, shit and shed at will. But that's cool. It's a dog. It can't tell you it wants to piss or puke. It can't help shedding. A seat cover is in hand.

Someone picked this idea and decided to apply it to kids as well. The front seat back cover is a plastic cover that is easily applied to the back of your front seats. Your kids can place their feet up now as often as they want: there is no way in Hell they'll get anything dirty! Plus, it's washable, so you can get rid of dust and dirt tracked by the little angel's little feet right onto it. It's also 2 units for € 6.90, well that's really a steal!

You know what else is a steal? Not buying this and forcing your kids to stay quiet when they ride your car. I can understand the concept of wanting to cover whatever it is your kid has to come in contact with. There are things kids don't care for. Like muddy shoes on your front seat's back. And let's face it, it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of shouting to convince your little bundle from Heaven to take his damn feet off your damn seat. It's easier to just buy the covers. The ad itself states that "(...) it is useless to tell kids to keep their feet off your seats (...)". Huh... no it's not. Because when my Pops told me to keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats, I'd keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats. Or ultimately, take off my shoes. Plus, you're only solving a part of this problem. Your seats aren't dirty anymore, but you back is still wrecked from the kicking your little angel does to the front seat. So what do you do? You scold him. If you're gonna scold him for kicking, take the chance to scold him about getting his feet where they're not supposed to be. And you just saved yourself € 6.90. Aren't you proud?

#02 - The fulminator
Have a problem with flies or mosquitos? Tired of all those flies around the kitty litter or trash bin? Fear not: the fulminator is here! This device is shaped like a tennis racket, which you can use to catch those bugs. The net emits a very low electric current, which fulminates your flies and mosquitos without bloodshed, without getting your walls dirty, and without the use of polluent chemicals. It works on two batteries and it can be yours now for € 9.90!

Now... the most sadistic among us will be thrilled with this thing. After all, they can now buzz their bugs to death, instead of just spraying them and watching them die. You and I, however, live in the world of reason and were born and raised in the 80's and early 90's, by parents who lived in the 60's and 70's. We know how you get rid of flies and mosquitos. With a newspaper. Or a fly swatter. It's in the goddamn name! Fly swatter! It's there to swat flies with! An electrified tennis racket? Get outta here!

Now three groups may argue this racket has advantages. The animal rights people, housewives and ambientalists. And I'm here to tell them all they're a bunch of horse's patooties.

Your animal rights folk will tell me this is a more humane way to get rid of flies, of course, since it's instant, and the poor thing doesn't suffer. To them, I say the following: the more humane way to get rid of flies out of them all, is to catch them one by one in your hands, and letting them go outside your window, keeping it closed no matter how hot the day is, so that they can't come back in. But you're not gonna do that, are you? Of course not, because it's a fuckin' waste of time. Plus, swatting is just as effective. At least when it's me swatting. I can assure you, never a fly realized what had hit it. Usually, it was a flyer from IKEA. There. Just saved you ten euros you can instead give to some worthy cause.

Housewives, however, don't want their walls dirty with fly remains. Remember that wet dishtowel? Go get it and get any remains cleaned. Not happy? Well, it's a matter of method, then. Kill your flies with a newspaper, and use that very newspaper to wipe out their remains. Easy, ain't it? Just saved you ten euros, ma'am, I'm happy to be of assistance.

Then come the ambientalists. By now, they've realized they can't complain of my method. Fly swatters will last you a lifetime unless you break them, and newspapers can be recycled with or without fly guts all over the prime minister's face. Plus, batteries are some of the harder to track pollutants out there. I just saved the planet, plus ten euros you can use to fund Greenpeace or buy Al Gore's DVD.

#01 - Sudoku toilet paper
The king of useless catalog bullshit. A regular roll of toilet paper, with a sudoku puzzle printed on every sheet. € 5.50 buys you a pack, and... why am I even trying with this one? Any asshole can see it's useless... literally! The ad's suggestion is that instead of taking a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom, you can take a pen and start solving the sudoku puzzle printed on the paper you'll be wiping your ass with in no time... first and foremost, if you can write on a single sheet of regular toilet paper, you're now my hero. Congratulations. Pick your complimentary tighs at the exit. And if you can wipe your ass with toilet paper you just spread ink all over of with a clear conscience, kudos to you, you're an idiot. Folks, it's toilet paper. It's bad enough they do them in all colors of the apeshit spectrum. I really love the color black, and I don't buy black toilet paper or napkins, because I realize it's a waste of fuckin' cash since they're twice as expensive as the regular ones! Nobody loves sudoku puzzles this much! And if you're spending enough time in the can to solve a sudoku puzzle on your toilet paper, open a browser window, access Google, and look up hemorroids!

Sudoku toilet paper... I just can't get over it. You can acess sudoku generators online! Plus it's a waste of perfectly good puzzles, unless you can wipe your ass with just a sheet of toilet paper! It's a waste of good paper, good ink, good time and good shit. Seriously. If you see sudoku toilet paper at someone's house, there are two possible reasons why it's there. Either that person has some serious bowel movement issues, or they're clearly obsessed with numbers. Either way, you're at the home of one serious asswipe. I mean it: breathe slowly, don't make any sudden moves, and make your way outside as fast as you can.

Twitter vs Hollywood

I read something a while ago which left me in a very good mood. It concerned Twitter, the popular social network which allows you to tell everyone when you're scratching your ass at the bus stop in real time, and movies.

In a society where people will still pay nearly 8 € for a movie and a large drink, you want to know exactly what to watch. Especially this being a society where there is also a huge pile of bullshit called Hollywood somewhere on the Northern hemisphere which approves any script with a number in front of the title. It's nothing short of shameful that American Pie had so many sequels we could set our watches by the time it took Jason Bigg's dick to get stuck somewhere. Reviews take time to be uploaded, and many of them are severely biased. Some, almost as much as the ones you get in newspapers. Unless someone marched down to the theatre before you and could tell if a movie was worth those 8 € or not, you'd pretty much sit down with your large drink and hope for the best. This is not fair. Hence why I don't blame anyone who will rip a movie off the Internet and watch it. Why should we pay so much without knowing there is some quality to the experience?

When I was a kid, the only way to be in the clear was the aforementioned: I would only watch movies on their last weeks at the box office, after everyone else did, so I could be forewarned. If the rumors about the flick were bad, I'd simply wait for it to come to DVD and rent it. I failed to watch good movies on the silver screen, and I also watched plenty of movies in theatre which weren't worth my time getting there or the money I paid to sit and watch them. The Internet helped, but the problem remained. Hollywood would get money anyhow, at least for the first two or three weeks, and if they kept getting money, it didn't matter how many Internet users went online saying the movie sucked balls after the first two weeks. They'd keep on doing it.

Twitter seems to be helping moviegoers make a difference in this process. Since it can be accessed and updated via cellphone or palmtop, you can find out if a movie is good or not by following other user's tweets. If someone watched a horrible movie in the morning, you'll know before you buy the ticket in the afternoon. This in turns forced Hollywood to improve the quality control of their scrips: there is no force in this world as strong and relentless as public opinion, and if they hope to change the way all those Twitter users talk about the movies, they must try their best, once again, to make truly entertaining and truly good movies.

Having in mind there are about 6 million users on Twitter every day, this leaves me in a very good mood. .

Weekly Log - 14 through 20

Monday Sept 14

Somehow, I managed to fix my mp3 player. Well, sort of, there are still some bugs in that, but it is to be expected. The device is old, and had been stuffed in a drawer since my second year of college. What happened to it, you ask? I haven't the foggiest idea. One day, it got stuck in Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit and had been smelling for years. Since I've been devoid of music for months, I picked it up out of despair and connected it to Ubuntu's Gnomad. And voilà! I've said so once, I'll say it again: fuck Windows.

I had been considering getting a cellphone with mp3 player. I always end up considering the tale of the fucked-up printer... my printer, that is. See, I have a printer with a built-in scanner. The day the printer stopped working, so did the scanner. Do you see where I'm getting? The day I drop the cellphone and it breaks, I am also left without an mp3 player. And I do drop shit all the time.

I'm still auditing calls. Tomorrow, I skip work to see a lawyer about the debts my Mum has, and try to find a way to solve it before she gets trialled for it, or gets her paycheck partially taken to pay for it. Needless to say, if we're a little fucked now, if she has even less money a month, we're very fucked.

Tuesday Sept 15

We left home at nine for an interview at half past eleven. We got there around one. The lawyer lives far the fuck away - two train rides and a subway trip away, to be exact, and nearly ten euros in tickets for each of us. We discussed the debt - it is the first time I actually learned how much we owe.

Ten big ones. 10,000 €. Holy mother of crow!

The lawyer's idea is to have it solved outside courts. For that, Mum's company itself needs to recognize the debt and take some of the responsibility - the loan was made in her personal name, and the money used for the company, and this deal would force the company to take some of the blame. And for that to take place, Pops needs to agree to pay for the debt, since he's the one running it now. My hopes dropped down to the soles of my boots - we're screwed. There is no way in Hell he will agree to do this, I know. If he didn't agree to do it when it was all word-of-mouth, why should he when the only change is a couple of papers? Mum still believes, apparently, because she said he would, and took the papers for him to sign. I don't want to lose any more time with this issue than necessary, since my bosses don't take kindly to absence, so we made out way back and marched into Pops' office.

He complained he had no money to pay for it, adding that he barely managed to pay his brother's salary. His brother being the sort of guy who is sent out for parts and spends the first half an hour at the nearest pub, talking to his friends. My Mum has wanted to fire him for ages now. In fact, she didn't even want to admit him in the first place. It never happened, just like anything that would make her will more respected in the company never happened. She says it's going to happen now, she's calling Social Security and having him fired. I'll believe it when I see it. I know all too well how these stories end up. Pops didn't say yes or not. We wait.

What a heinous day. I'm already struggling to keep this job and find another one for the mornings, now I have ten thousand euros looming over my shoulder as well.

Wednesday Sept 16

I was supposed to pick up my new desk today. The one I bought fifteen days ago and didn't want to spend 50 euros with for assembly and delivery, remember? Well, fuck that. Pops must come with me because I can't carry the package on my own and he said we'll go tomorrow. Still peeved, it seems.

I hate having to depend on him. I hate having to depend on anyone, really, but especially Pops. It's my dream that one day, I will be able to live with my own paycheck, on my own house, and do my own shit without anyone meddling or interfering. It's my dream never to have to borrow money again. It's also a far, distant dream, as things go.

Thursday Sept 17

Finally, the desk. Kid Bro had to help me carry it up the stairs... and while he was downstairs with Pops, he got a talking to about the no-ticket fine he got the other day. By talking to, I mean he was given the three usual sentences Pops uses when he wants to discipline his children. First comes the one he hopes will call our attention, the one he thinks we won't ever forget ("I am very disappointed in you."), then the instructions far too late ("You should've called me and I would have given you a ride"), and finally the tales from his youth ("When I was your age we didn't have any money for the bus, and I went everywhere on foot"). I still got the worse end of the deal: having to hear Pops say he was going to maul my brother into a bloody pulp several times. Why do I get bullshit from everyone, even when it's not my issue?

Bonus bullshit: as soon as he got out of Pops' hearing distance, Kid Bro became upset the usual way ("What does HE know?") and I was left to assemble my desk on my own. Sometimes, I feel like I've watched all of my life on a sitcom before.

Friday Sept 18

That desk is not a piece of furniture. It is a worthy adversary. It is a black wood finish and metal Oni made in China. It is a thing of Hell meant to hold a computer, books, anime figurines and whatever else I want to place on it. Holy shit.

I spent five hours trying to assemble it yesterday. The screws are too big for the holes, and only with a great deal of strenght can you get one in. So you say, "But Seion you sexy specimen of the Lusitanian minx, you assembled most of your bedroom furniture as well as your brother's!", which is true. The problem is, if you'll recall, Kid Bro lent our toolbox to someone who didn't give it back... so the screwdriver I have is not the proper one for the job. Just my luck... what pisses me off the most, I guess, is the fact I'm aware this is difficult for a reason. If I had an electric screwdriver, I would've had everything done fast, and the people who get paid to assemble these things do own electric screwdrivers. So you see, once again, I am pretty much getting the short end of the stick because I decided to save some cash.

Mum managed to assemble the main structure, but we needed another key for the rest of the job. This morning, I strolled down to the Chinese store and bought one. Finally, I managed to get everything up and running - now to get all my shit transferred from the old furniture to the new one. It made me realize I actually do have a lot of shit around this bedroom. The books alone were a pain in the butt to arrange. And I don't have half as many as I hope to get.

The Chinese puzzle is now solved, though. It's great to sit at the desk again, and have most of my stuff at arm's reach. It will also make the cleaning up easier. And it looks great with the red walls too. Now to get me a second bookcase...

I went out with the guys for Allied Friday, which as usual is the highlight of my day (and it's usually done at night...) We're planning a major drinking game sometime soon, which I am very much looking forward to. See? I'm easy to make happy. Give me some cards, fellows to play them with, and plenty of beer...

Weekend Sept 19 - 20

Getting my bedroom fixed still. Plugs to sort out, books to place, DVDs to find room for, and once again the notion I have a lot of shit in this bedroom. I've watched a lot of stuff this weekend, I'm not sure if they're all worth reviewing: Boxing Helena (1993), which I had seen years ago but took the chance to recall, Return to Oz (1985) which I had seen as a child and didn't remember anymore, Rehearsal for Murder (1982), which is very interesting... and a shitload of 'Allo 'Allo.

YouTube Wednesday with Metal A Capella

van Canto is a 2006 founded German band composed of five singers and one drummer, and as far as I know, the first to sing the so-called a capella metal. This Battery cover is from their debut album, A Storm to Come. It's interesting to notice that on their a capella performance they actually imitate instruments instead of notes. If you go to the Wikipedia page about them, you will see some of their members are in charge of the "rakkatakka" vocals, the "dandan" vocals and the "wahwah" solo guitar vocals. For me, the cover is flawless and it's an interesting piece to check out.

Weekly Log - 07 through 13

Monday Sept 07

Someone should warn the little people who mind the weather up there we're fast approaching Fall. It's still blazing hot outside. Not as much as the peak of August, but uncomfortable still. Fuck global warming.

I haven't had the chance to watch a lot of movies lately, with the work and a lot of YouTube users having their accounts suspended for copyright issues. Nothing very interesting coming to the silver screen either, as I see it. What a crock of bullshit...

Auditing calls still. A recurring situation seems to be that of 20-ish year-olds who have their parents mind their accounts, so they can't answer the quiz since most of them has never gotten their ass in a bank before. I don't get it. My Mum gave me an ATM when I was 13, and by the time I reached adulthood, she told me I was on my own. Just like that: on my own. I could already sign legal documents, she didn't want to have anything else to do with how I manage my own cash. I've been doing my own legal shit since I was eighteen... and frankly, I wouldn't want it anyway else. If someone must take care of me, it's myself. How can there be so many twenty-somethings who don't know the basics of how to open an account, talk to bank people, transfer cash, deposit cash, work a credit card, ATM or ask for loans?

I don't get it. I'd feel completely helpless if someone else was minding my shit for me.

Tuesday Sept 08

I feel lousy. Like a piece of crap stuck to the sole of a bum drinking on a park bench. My head hurts, I'm too sensitive to the center's lighting, by the end of the shift I was pretty sure I was gonna heave. Nothing a pill or some tea didn't solve, but I had neither. Nobody else at the center had anything either. Is it just me who usuallt carries medicine around? Not even a bloody aspirin!

I've been watching a lot of Cheers lately, I don't know why. I recall watching episodes as a child since it ran half an hour before Sesame Street when I was a kid. I know it's been done half to death in the US, and I must be the only person alive who never saw every single episode... then again, I'm on my twenties. This generation's Cheers is probably House MD. That one's getting boring by the way, lost all the pazzazz of the first season. I can't find movies, and even the serials are turning to shit. Just my luck.

Lousy, lousy, lousy. My head's full of shit.

Wednesday Sept 09

Today is Cirno day, and unless you're a geek, you don't know what that means. Don't worry, you're not missing anything overly important. My plans for Cirno day? Well I never gave much of a crow for Touhou so I'm just going to do something apeshit. Or as apeshit as my boring days get, which frankly isn't much.

I've been bored stiff all week without breaks. It's an art by now. Nothing happens around here.

Thursday Sept 10

Spoke too soon.

My brother was caught riding the subway without a ticket. 70€ worth of a fine. Guess who gets to pay it? The money was reimbursed to me, courtesy of Pops (actually Mum took the cash from the firm's bank account without asking), but I don't think it's very right I get to bail him out. He rides without a ticket all the time. When I was younger, I sometimes took the bus without a ticket as well -with the difference I wouldn't do it by the middle of the month, when there is no possible excuse for not having a bus pass! Plus, I positioned myself so that the driver couldn't see me and left the bus as soon as shit started getting hot. He was just asking for it already.

A friend of mine told me to go pay the fine in person, do some crying, explain the kid didn't have 85 cents to buy a ticket and was tired... I don't think so. Let him go pay it and get the shame. And even if Mum didn't let him go ask for money directly to Pops, I know this doesn't end here. In fact, the next meal we have with Pops, this will be the main subject of conversation. Luckily, I went to Portuguese public school. I have long mastered the art of sitting somewhere and pretend I'm paying attention without listening to a single word.

Friday Sept 11

Still auditing calls. I'm getting anxious to start doing something for my paycheck. I get nervous when I'm given money for doing jack. Don't ask why, taht's just how it is. I guess I'm also a little scared I might get too comfortable and blow it when I actually get behind the computer terminal.

For some reason, I was depressed for most of the evening. It's the second sign of the coming of the Great Boredom. Everyone has their stupid moment sometimes, mine was at 3 in the AM of September 11 (it has nothing to do with the World Trade Center, I assure you). At some point I was asking myself if watching one more episode of Cheers would make me go to bed too late. If you're watching Cheers at three in the morning, you gotta be depressed. Also, someone set the trash bin across the street on fire in the middle of the night. The boredom continues still.

On next Tuesday I'm gonna see a lawyer about the debts my Mum has. I need it like I need a second asshole growing on the back of my neck.

Weekend Sept 12 - 13

BORED! What have I done this weekend... played games. Pretty much that. Madeen is right, Pokemon is addicting, even if I know I'll never complete it because I can't really hook up the emulator for trading. Anyone who knows codes to get the specific catch or trade pokemon in FireRed is required to post them as a comment in this log.

Ten Easy Ways to Name Your Metal Band

Long hair: check. Black clothes: check. Social outcast at school: check. Real or imaginary talent for lyric-writing and song-composing: check. A wish to fuckin' rock all the time: checkitty check check. Band name: ......huh-oh. But worry not, newborns of the headbanging world. Seion is here to teach you ten easy ways to name your heavy metal band and make it sound just like the pros. As names go, of course... because as music goes, in sounding like the pros, you're on your own.

#10 - Latinization
Metal fans love Latin, especially if they belong to two distinct sub schools. On the one hand you have the Goths, who wear hundred-pound golden crosses around their necks in almost the same way the hip-hop people do, and like white women in long flowing dresses and their effeminate vampire boyfriends. They love Latin because that's the favored idiom used by the Christian church, which would be from where they derive a good deal of their inspiration (don't forget the ultimate Gothic book is Dracula - a lot of Christian church symbolism there). On the other hand, you have the Antichrist folk, who think it's still a shocker that people worship or pretend to worship His Infernal Majesty (most commonly the latter), and that by turning onto the other side of the spectrum they are denying every single aspect of their church-going childhood. These guys haven't realized yet that the opposite of worshiping and respecting is plainly ignoring, so most of them errs by excess. They like Latin too, since Latin is one of the main idioms if not the main idiom used by the Catholic church: the Anti-Christian cult being one that centers on parodying the Christian one in pretty much the same way that irritating younger brother parodies everything you say and do, they will use Latin in their band names often as well. If your band belongs to any of these, well kudos to you, go buy a Latin dictionary so you can also translate song lyrics and names, and name your first three albums while you're at it.

As for every non-Goth non-Demonic band that wears a Latinized name, you must remember in which instance other than the Catholic church is Latin used. Go listen to a little bit of classical music and you have a winner: Latin is, up to a period of time, the one idiom used in the opera, even if by then the Latin language was dead and buried a long time ago. A latinized name reminds you of requiems, orchestral melodies, epic stories and The Lord of the Rings. If that's what you're going for, well kudos to you too. You probably don't need a Latin dictionary as much as the rest of the folks, probably lurking the Internet for a Latin translator will do. Or you can just pick a Latin expression you know from elsewhere and use that. Remember, most people don't give a shit and aren't forced to learn the bloody language in the way I did, so nobody will probably check out what it means. You could name your band Ad Nauseam and it would still sound good.

#09 - Get "Death" in it
There is a word that will lend any skimpy little band a little street cred, as metal goes. Metal is an aggressive form of music, that is just one of the reasons why it's called metal. Over the years, a series of words in band names and lyrics have become the tools of the trade as naming goes, and if you're about to enter the business, someone should give you a briefing on these. The main one is what we're aiming for here: "Death".

We all know Death is the goal we mean to achieve through conflict, the death of your opponent. Be it physical (refer to Power Metal) or emotional (in come the Goths again, closely followed by the Nu Metal crew) or intellectual (because we live in the 21st century and humiliation is often likened to death, yet still widely accepted). The only thing we need to know now, is when and where to use it, according to where you're going with it. You could just get it everywhere, from band name to tour name, but that would just sound cheap. You'd be just like a poser. Or Dethklok from Metalocalypse. And the saturated use of the word "Death" is not brutal.

So if you're into Death Metal *nudge nudge*, you're in the clear. Use this word as if it was peanuts: have it anywhere you want, whenever you want, for whatever you want (if this confuses you, refer to this article). You are free, revel in it. Plus, from the way you're going to sing it, nobody will even realize how often you say it unless they bother to read the lyrics - and it they do, they're real hardcore fans and won't mind. If you're going for the Goth style, use it moderately and always make it sound like just another phase of the dating process. If Power Metal is your thing, Death means either the complete victory over thine enemies or your own glorious perishing, so you can get it on the lyrics, but save something better for the band name. Something with a fantasy reference, the geek market is wide and almost unexplored.

Some people like to be careful. They want the sound but not the morbidness. That's where things like "Deth" and "Dett" come from - same shit, different asshole. For more usages of the word "Death" (or its two ugly sisters) scroll down to the next pointers.

#08 - Internationalizing
In order for your band to be a success internationally, people need to know its name. To get people to know your name, it usually needs to be something they can pronounce. (the Finnish do not abide by this rule. If you're from Finland, call the band whatever you want in Finnish, fans will come to learn the name, for the Finnish are born with epic coming out of their ears. And if you're singing Folk Metal, having a nearly unpronounceable name is mandatory). Most bands find a name in English, since English is that easy-to-learn language nearly everybody knows, and the language in which the vast majority of songs of any kind are sung. If Numa Numa came with English lyrics, we'd have never seen the end of it.

Of course, you may want to be like the Finnish and give your band a very national name, in hopes the exotic sound will entice people to check it out. Or you may not even be close to Finland and give your band a Finnish name to borrow some of their awesomeness. This is called "internationalizing". By internationalizing, you're going farther than just plain English: you're finding a name on the other side of the fuckin' globe if needed to capitalize on the "exotic" and "uncommon" factors. Let me give you an example: have you ever heard of a band called Gaijin Sentai? Yeah? No? Well... they're Brazilian. What do they sing? Anime and old sentai show songs, of course, what else... spooky shit.

It is a possibility: if you're from Spain, go find a name in Iran. You're from the US? Try Germany. French? Go check some American Indian terms. If you're from Finland, once again, you're in the clear. Of course this can backfire in some places: what do you figure the Japanese think of a Brazilian band called Gaijin Sentai? Would you like an Italian band to call themselves Gigante Adamastor?

#07 - Two become one
One-word band names are very popular. They're easy to remember and easy to say when you're drunk off your ass (unless of course you name your band Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but then again, if you did, your road manager's reaction of "You're shitting me." would probably give you a clear hint that it's a bad idea). Many legendary bands have one-word names: Razor, Metallica, Stratovarius, you name it. So a one-word name it is... but which? After all, the ultimate metal name is taken (read above, you'll get there...) and most of the cool words are taken as well... what ever are we going to do? Before you go buy a dictionary and seek the leanest meanest word you can find, check below.

Get two words and juxtapose them to form one.

That's right. Get two words and juxtapose them to form one. It's a fad nowadays. You can have two related words, or unrelated words too - it doesn't matter, but they usually are related. Why call your band Dark Side if you can call it Darkside for added effect? What you get is a word that has an effect (Dark) and one that hasn't (Side) made into one whole, meaningful (more or less) word of win. And everyone knows single word band names look better on the album and magazine covers. Plus, with that particular example, you're avoiding a huge lawsuit by Lucasfilms.

#06 - Typos
Normal names usually aren't very "cool". Unusual names, with plenty of Ks, Ys, Zs and double letters are cooler. And you must also keep in mind that some already cool names can be further "cooled" (is this even right, grammatically?) through creative writing. And by creative writing I mean doing what hundreds of teenagers texting each other out there have already learned: Cs can be easily replaced with Ks and who needs an S when you can easily shove an X into any sibilating syllable? A practical example would be the band Kreator - they wouldn't surely have as much success if they were just plain Creator...

The same method can be used if you are looking to use an already well-known name yet want to do your own thing, much in the same way as "Death"'s retarded and ugly sister "Dett". Let's pick up a name which inspires fear in the hearts of those who actually give two shits about checking out what it refers to, like Ctulhu. We all know what Ctulhu is (and if you don't, you're a lucky one. But since you're in front of a computer terminal, you're probably opening a browser window to go check it out anyway, so...) and those who took the time to read H.P. Lovecraft instead of just watching movie or game adaptations, cool as they may be, know that it is a name that inspires fear and respect. That's what you want for your band, but you don't want all the problems that come from borrowing in the name of a mythical sea demon-god octopus thingie. So keep the sonority and just call yourself Ktulu. Of course, fans are dumb but not that dumb: they'll realize where you borrowed it from. But it's still not the same, so you can say it as many times as you want without fishmen knocking at your door and Dagon raping your girlfriend.

Overall, what you also want to do is avoid round letters as much as possible. If you want to be fuckin' hard, and you know you do, you must have an aggressive-sounding name as well as an aggressive-looking one. A lot has been done with fonts, but it helps if you can write the name in straights lines only - hence the resort to Ks, Ys and Zs. Because everyone would date Kathy since she's crazy and wild but few would look at Cathy since she's a sweet and innocent farmgirl.

#05 - Honorifics
So you've just started a band and you need to get your name out there. You want to be big, so, much like a prey defending itself from a predator, you're going to make yourself bigger than you actually are. One way to do this is to give yourself a honorific. After all, the Dukes of Hazzard wouldn't be much if they were the Hazzard Family instead.

Find yourself a honorific you like. You can pick it up from royalty (Duke works well, as does King and Lord. Short stuff. Hell, Queen worked wonders!) or profession (Doctor, or if you want to consider the previous pointer, Doktor, works well) and add it to yout band name. You can even make funny puns using up meaning and sonority but not actual words, in the same way as Dr Acula did (oh brother... it's a pun, alright, a groan-worthy pun). Honorifics work because human beings have been wired from birth to consider anyone who can legally write a couple more words before or after their name one awesome guy. Some of us grow to understand those who can legally write a few more words before or after their names are as much likely to be douchebags as the next man, but not all of us. Plus, imagine all the awesome shit the fans can tell you. Having your groupies come in "for consultation" saying they need "an injection" is one of those things most of us have only seen in 70's porn flicks, but through this method it can be your everyday life! Again, if you like bad puns and double entendre so old someone should pull the plug on it, you're in business.

Before you do this, however, you must gather your band and ask them if any of them will fling a chair at the reporters when one asks "Are you really a certified physician?" during your first tour. Of course, if you all got master's degrees in something, you can very smugly say that why yes you are...

#04 - Completely unrelated
My kingdom for anyone who finds any relation between the words "cunt" and "worm" (for further knowledge, refer to #09), which incidentally is the name of a death metal band. Sometimes you get band names composed of non-juxtaposed words, usually two, which have little to no relation to each other. I'm saying it's a usual process, I didn't say it was a smart process. The name of your band says a lot about what you stand for, so if you name your band, let's say, Goat Semen (yes, it is a real band. Check their biography: they claim to play something called Total Trendkiller Southamerican Terrorist Death Black Destruction. I don't even need to comment, it's already poking fun at itself)... that likely says a lot about what you stand for.

If you're picking two completely unrelated words, you likely want to sound a little insane. It is a common method used by bands in those "extreme" styles, like Grindcore. You must understand, of course, that from the moment you do this, in 90% of the cases, you're tossing your intelligence out the window. The same will likely happen when naming albums and tours, when writing lyrics, when dressing for gigs and getting your makeup on, when shouting unintelligible shit to the fans and, one day, when you tell yout grandchildren you were so bad your name didn't even made fuckin' sense. I won't lie, I think this is the cheapest way to name your band, and the one that produces some of the worst bloody results in the history of music.

See, some of these names sound like they make sense. Sometimes, the two words that compose them are related somehow. Take Cradle of Filth, or Napalm Death. On the first, you get a sentence you can read and interpret - the words make sense together. On the second, one is a consequence of the other: napalm falls, everyone dies. It's not completely apeshit... but they are unrelated words meant to evoke a given image in your mind, one that doesn't make much sense as the band is concerned most of the times - alternatly, meant to just sound badass. When researching for this article I stumbled upon a band called Cattle Decapitation. Their first album is called Humanure (yet another groan-worthy pun...). Why in the name of crow would anyone want to name their band Cattle Decapitation? It's not overly easy to say... the image it evokes doesn't say much either... it doesn't sound particularly badass. What were they thinking?

Still, it is a vallid method. If you want to try it, do the following: get a dictionary and pick two pages at random. Rip them off the book and hang them on the walls. Then gather a few friends, get drunk or high or both, and in between throwing up and blubbering about how nobody understands you, toss two darts at the hanging dictionary pages. If nobody loses an eye, take the two words the darts hit and you have your band name. If you want it faster, use this.

#03 - Getting your name out there
Some bands are all about a group of musical virtuosos gathering in a quest for the awesome. Some bands are all about this one guy. It's usually the frontman, but not always. I'll give you an example outside of metal, since it's the first that occurs to me out of the blue: Dave Matthews Band. You know Dave Matthews is in there, he is the band founder in fact. Who else is in it? Unless you're a fan, you have absolutely no idea.

There's no problem if you are a one-man band. It would make no sense, after all, for Alice Cooper to call himself anything else. It's just the one guy, it's his name out there. But if there's three of you, how fair is it to call your band your own name? What a selfish bastard you are. The musical world is a dog-eat-dog one, (much like every other world out there, in fact) and if you hope to make it, maybe you'll have to ditch your less attractive / less talented / less likely to make it band. If you hope to build up a solo career fast, however, it'd be useful if people were already familiar with your name. So why not use your band as a leaping platform for yourself? It's legitimate. If you can convince the other guys to call your name to the band, it's pretty much done: you're the genius, and they're only there because you don't have time to do everything.

On the other hand, you're at the risk of not being all that big. At least not as big on your own as the band. Tarja Turunen was Nightwish' pearl for years, but when she left, the band kept playing with success and few have heard from her since. It leads me to believe that if they were called simply Tarja, upon separation, the rest of the folks would go on to form a new band, and the fans would go after them all the same since Tarja's success cannot, apparently, overshadow all the other band members. Of course, if you want to take the chance of your band kicking you out before you manage to make yourself well-known enough, or the chance of you not being as much a genius as you think you are, by all means...

#02 - Calling all geeks
Let's face it: a lot of metal sub schools were made by geeks for geeks. That's right: we are way more than you think. Several of us gather to play D&D and eat junk food just next door to you and you have no idea, since the only time plenty of us are seen together is when George Lucas cooks up yet another Star Wars prequel or any sort of convention is happening. Not all of us are overweight, have braces and wear glasses. Not all of us scored great grades at school. The guy sitting next to you on the subway right now, who looks like a regular dude in a suit heading off to work, is actually listening to The Lord of the Rings soundtrack on his mp3. That girl you fancy at the office has the biggest collection of Enterprise models known to mankind and is fluent in Klingon. That guy at the bar never said a word about Dr. Who and he knows the title to every single episode, as well as the first airing date and a shitload of useless trivia. Your girlfriend may be entangled in a forum discussion over whose Star Wars character would make a better hubby as you read this and you have absolutely no idea.

Take a while to panic, calm down, digest that and come back. Are you back? Okay. Geeks are one of the ultimate outcast groups, seeing as even amongst themselves there are outcasts. They are also very frustrated and angry at times, and have next to no outlets. Finally, they like to hear songs about shit they know, and nobody else does. If you can understand every single reference in Nightwish' Wishmaster, you know what I mean.

If you're a geek already, you know what to do. This has proved without a shade of a doubt, that if it's done, the fans will listen. Don't feel bad that you're basically borrowing from another fandom's popularity, after all, you're just giving the people what they want, and that's a business as fair as any. Pick up a reference and use it as a band name. I am still waiting to see a band call themselves such awesome names as Treepi-O, Gothmog Lord of the Darkness. Or who knows, Captain's Log. If nobody else picks it up, fine and dandy. If they do, they'll listen, no matter how shitty the music is.

#01 - Grossing it out
In some metal sub schools, the grosser the better. Remember that kid you went to school with? The one who liked the really gross stuff, and thought that pus was the greatest thing ever created under the Sun? The one who knew ogrish dot com end to end and usually browsed it while he ate his lunch for added effect? Every school had one, and there's a reason why nobody remembers who he was at this point: he either changed his ways, or you ditched him. I'm as cool talking about pus as the next man, but a guy that gets vomit-inducing images on your head every time he opens his mouth can get a bit tiresome. Especially if at some point in his life, he started wearing t-shirts to match (read, any album cover of Cannibal Corpse) and you're on your way to tell your newfound love he is your best friend. You get a few of these together and give them some instruments and voilá: we have a band in need of a name. Crow only knows what will happen.

If this is your situation... well, why do you need my aid? You have a talent, my boy. One nobody wants you to use, but a talent nonetheless. Just think of the most disgusting thing you can, and you have a name. Jewels of the genre are band names such as Prostitute Decapitation, Vomitory, Dying Fetus and the aforementioned Goat Semen, if you want to assume it was done on purpose.

Weekly Log - 31 through 06

Monday Aug 31

The second simulation was today. It was an eventful weekend, though, and I had nearly no time to look at my notes. I narrowed my options down in the morning before I left, and ended up with two possible products: personal credit and retirement funds.

I ended up going with the retirement fund. It went fairly well, still with some things to point out... apparently I have a mouse-like voice when I first get on the phone. What this means... I don't know. Tomorrow I get to the work itself: doing service quality quizzes over the blower. I don't think I'll be starting right away... probably still have to audit a few calls before that.

Tuesday Sept 01

Day one on my regular schedule. I'm going for the 12:05 bus, the 12:34 train and crow only knows which subway train. Since I'm due by 13:45, that should be enough.

Since my first task is quizzes, I'm not expecting too many hardships up first. I'll have a chance at listening to others and picking up techniques. The thought of telemarketing alone makes me wanna barf, but I can do this. I can keep cool, I've done it before, I'll do it again. Eyes on the prize, Seion.

September finally arrived, not a moment too soon. A decrease in temperature was already noticed. I still take a fan with me to work since the AC is busted. I'm usually against ACs, but try to work in a building covered in glass after lunchtime...

Wednesday Sept 02

Shit seems to be backwards today. I have a theory that since He knows I have my eye on Him, Murphy decided to swap his usual cursed day into the middle of the week to confuse me. I was supposed to go shopping for a proper desk early this morning. My cellphone was on silent mode and I didn't wake up on time to go. Then I was supposed to go to the post office, missed the stop because I was distracted reading some papers, I got to the train station way too fuckin' early. Auditing went well, still not communicating.

More backwards shit expected me after work, when I finally made my way to the furniture warehouse to pick up my desk. There was one clerk for twenty people. I waited in line, pissed and mean as all Hell. What I wanted was a simple information: here's a catalog, I want this desk, point me towards the place where I can pay and hand it over. The clerk couldn't multitask to save her hide, and when it finally got to my turn, I was told I could only pick it by the 16th. Why? Because if I want it today I must have it delivered at home and it's 25 € extra.

Very pissed here... I called my Dad, the car was outside, we could pick it up now. They said they didn't have it here, it was in their other warehouse. Well point me the fuck there and I'll go pick it up myself, what a sleazy way to run a business! I eventually ended up agreeing to run by on the 16th to pick the desk up... it is the last time I go to that store.

Thursday Sept 03

I ran my way to the train station today. After finally stopping by the post office, and realizing the following bus was gonna get me late, I took it to my feet to get me there on time. On steady march under unforgiving Sun, I got to the train station sweating like a hooker in a church and with aches in places I only remember aching when I did karate. I still got to work on time. Being late is not a good idea in this job.

Still auditing. No accesses yet.

Friday Sept 04

Another outing. I love the bars, but there are a couple people I'm meeting every single time that sometimes annoy me a bit. I'm trying to be as good a sport as the next guy, but there are some things I don't like... one being when someone does their best to touch my butt without my permission. I was very pissed at a given moment, not only because of that but of a few other issues within the group. Still, the night went by, and next outing (because I know there will be something next outing) I have a little more ammo. I've been biting down on my tongue for a while now. That shit makes ulcers.

Still, the view was good, down near the river. I wanted to go closer to the water, but for some reason most of the guys thought I was drunk out of my ass (are you nuts, I hardly wet my whistle...) and were afraid to let me. It's a pity it's a complicated zone to visit on your own. I like it.

Weekend Sept 05 - 06

Configuring Thunderbird is a pain in the neck. That said, the program hands Outlook its ass and thanks it for its time. I'm managing two accounts at a time, with different sigs and tags for each. Once again, UNIX based programs shove Windows fail down Bill Gates' throat.

My downloads for the week are two discographies (Hyubris, which is epic Portuguese folk metal, and Tarantula, which is plain epic Portuguese) and The Urbz for my GBA emulator. My thirst for Sims needs quenching fast.

Disney bought WHAT?!

Alright. I'm pissed, and I'm about to write an article which is strictly a matter of personal opinion. Skip this if there's any problem with that.

I do not await something like Penny Arcade parodied today, I know it seems like it, but I'm not that dumb. Still, let me explain exactly what causes me to become a teensy weensy pissed at the deal that happened just this week.

As you probably overheard already, Disney bought Marvel for US$ 4 billion. A bargain, considering how much Marvel was discredited in the past few years, in my humble opinion. First and foremost, kids nowadays don't give as much value to comic books as my generation did, and would rather spend their bling on cellphone plans and faster Internet connections (which proves, once again, nothing is sacred as soon as the Internet comes into the picture, but that's hardly the point). Marvel fucked up pretty much and pretty bad in its day, not in one but all of their many, many, many, many comic books and cartoon series. Even the movies in which the company had been involved backfired horribly. Constant deaths and rebirths of the same guys tend to discredit a comic book company. And most of the treasured Marvel heroes are now too old and too jaded from their original selves to be of any real interest both for the older and newer crew. I cannot honestly say the company being sold comes as a surprise.

You know what other company people don't give much of a damn for as well? Disney. When I was a kid, Disney stood for high quality cartoons. Nowadays, they've become just one more cartoon company, as I see it. And I don't say I dislike Disney at this point, but rather that I moved on to other interests. I have nothing against Disney - it's how they do things. At this point, I don't give much of a damn for theme songs in cartoons (even if I can still sing the Portuguese version of two or three songs from The Lion King) or happy endings. Hence why, at a point, I turned to Marvel. Sometimes there were happy endings and sometimes the shit hit the fan. I don't care much for the same bloody characters over and over again (because let's face it, Disney has a penchant for stereotype just like any other company...), and in wanting to see some different ones, I also turned to Marvel. Plus, Marvel already had merchandise up the ass, but Disney takes the cake here. It's been eighteen bloody years since The Beauty and the Beast came out, and I'm still seeing Belle's face stamped on clothing, toys, school supplies and party decorations. Not even Wolverine or Spiderman, arguably two of Marvel's favored heroes, have that much stuff.

So for starters we have a company that only gets some success nowadays through other companies (name me a Disney movie, in the last five or so years, that wasn't made by Pixar Studios) buying a company that's been disappointing a good deal of their fans for a while now. I treasure Marvel heroes dearly, but it's been years since I've bought a comic - for me, the minute they disclosed Wolverine's past and tried to make sense of all the shit storywriters have done with his life since the 60's was the minute they lost me. I haven't given a flying crow for Disney since I was a little kid and despite having extensively read several older comics of my favorites, like I said, I haven't given Marvel any of my money for years. Supposedly, I have no grounds for complaints, so why am I even writing all this?

Because I like Marvel heroes and I like movies and cartoons, that's why.

Disney being a cartoon company, with Pixar studios on their back to boot, of course they'll want to cash in on Marvel heroes' popularity and go for a media the geeky fans actually still respond to: the silver screen. Several new cartoon series are in the making, crow only know how many movies are being planned... and of course, the shit stain wouldn't be smelly enough without Marvel-related rides at Disneyland. In a way, maybe Disney can do something for the X-Men series. Did you ever watch Evolution? Better yet, did you see what they did to Deadpool in X-men Origins: Wolverine? Do you see what my problem is?!

At this point you're probably saying, 'But Seion, you angered goddess of a woman, Disney has already stated that they will give the Marvel staff all the creative license they once had! It's not like they're implanting censorship!' Given. And we've seen what Marvel did on its own, why not let someone else call the shots and see if things work out a little better? Of course if you've known Disney for a while, you know they're not the sort to interfere with this sort of thing. Oooh, of COURSE not! (In case I didn't make it clear enough, I'm being sarcastic). You may also say, 'But Seion, you dazzling beauty, does this mean you will stop watching every single new movie and series that comes out with your heroes in it?', to which I'll have to reply that no, I won't, because I'm a sucker for certain brands and trademarks (namely, Wolverine). The difference is that I always watched everything else they did in the past hoping it would be good. They've set the circus on fire now and I'm just going in to see it burn.

By the by, I just read on related news Stan Lee is thrilled with the acquisition. In case you don't know yet, you should be warned the man has been mental for years.

YouTube Wednesday the Bouncing Tire Song

Haha! Oh wow... I love The Smoking Gun...