Weekly Log - 24 through 30

Monday Aug 24

Please leave me the fuck alone today, Murphy. There are hundreds of ways in which I can fuck this up on my own. I don't need any help. So go bother somebody else today. i have shit to do, and you have plenty of people to annoy other than me!

I skipped work again today (can't be helped) and went to the interview. You may argue that I could've gone to work after or before it, and I give. But I was waiting for a reply (since, after all, the job starts on Wednesday) and if this lie is gonna fly, I can't just show up.

So I got there, I filled in the usual form, and awaited my chance. Had to say plenty about myself and my bank accounts (I didn't, of course, tell the interviewer I owe 400 gold to my previous bank... that's the kind of thing that easily gets you kicked away from opportunity. And let's be reasonable, I intend to pay for that. but I won't starve because of it). I had to make another simulation with some guy in there, but by the time I left, I felt they were rather inclined to hire me.

Tuesday Aug 25

Score!!! I'm in! The job's mine! I won't have to stay at the supermarket after the contract is done!

Alright, so this is a call-center, and I know I told pretty much everyone I know that a call-center isn't a job so much as punishment, but this is 500 bling for three hours and three quarters. It's pretty damn good, and I can find something to do in the afternoon as well. And it's not an eight hour standing gig. Since it's the bank's call center, it might be easier as well. I'm not going to be unemployed!

As the last gig is concerned, well, I'm very sorry but I'm skipping the last week. Wait. No, I'm not as sorry as all that, actually. I think, in fact, I don't give a flying crow. Yeah, that's more accurate: I don't give a flying crow. Score!!

Wednesday Aug 26

Day one of formative classes. It starts well: no smokes, no cash to buy them. Just peachy. Just what I needed on day one to give me that extra zing.

So here's what I'm expected to do. For now, I'll be be doing quality control quizzes to bank customers. Afterwards, I may or may not enter the commercial area. My contract is renewed every month until one of the parties decided to cancel it, and I'm seriously hoping this only happens when I find a better job full-time and must leave this one.

Thursday Aug 27

Murphy, get off my bloody case!!

I was late today. The crow-damned cellphone alarm didn't ring at the time I set it for. My new priority: finding a proper alarm clock. Worse still, Mum was home at the time I left, so not only was I pissed over being late, I also had to hear her going on about it as soon as I got up.

I tried not to overstress. It will do me no good at this time. I got my ass to work, made up a story about a bus losing its tailpipe and let it slide over the shoulder. I just need to make sure it doesn't happen again. The bank's pretty strict on tardiness, not only they won't pay even the justified missing days, they are also entitled to can my ass if I make a habit out of it.

Friday Aug 28

Friday arrived and with it an end to my first week's worth of formative classes. The morning's issue was a simulation, in which they pointed out to me what I need to improve if I am to become a proper operator.

Considering I haven't been in telemarketing for a while, it went well. On Monday I try again. It's nothing I haven't done before really, i guess that's what's soothing me. Even with all the differences (the bank is a lot more strict than any other company) the end result they want is the same: sales, and plenty of them.

Weekend Aug 29 - 30

An eventful weekend. On Saturday night, my brother's band (Caffeínna) was at Corroios' festival in concert. I, of course, was at the front row. They had a pretty nice crowd as well, despite being a little hidden away and at the smaller stage in the festival. Even my cousin came from far the fuck away to see Kid Bro bang them drums. They had a couple problems at the end, namely there was a problem with the drums, still they went over it like a pro band. I'm proud of him.

On Sunday, lunch with the guys. I had to shorten my stay since I have a simulation on Monday and I needed to get my notes ready to shine, still I ate well and had a lot of fun, as always. Main downloads for the weekend: a few more ROMs for the Gameboy Advance emulator and more D&D books, mainly.

Weekly Log - 17 through 23

Monday Aug 17

The gig's coming to an end: I've got 15 days to find a new one. Instead of up to September 7, it's ending next week. In a way, it terrorizes me. In a way, it is also a relief. I'm dead scared of being unemployed again, that I am. But I'm also glad I'm leaving this joint. I'm even surprised I didn't quit yet, the job conditions being as they are. Finances aside, I wouldn't be terribly disappointed if I never saw any of these people ever again.

Tuesday Aug 18

A sunny Tuesday greeted me, radiant and bright (and hot as bloody Hell too, by the way - at six in the AM, I was sweating buckets). What are my expectations for the day? What do I hope to accomplish on a day like this? Very frankly, if I don't discover I'm adopted by noon and my real parents promised my hand in marriage to an oil tycoon sheik, I consider it a win.

The super isn't around, so I got a break. She's been getting on my hair quite a bit the last few days: she's pissed at something else and I get the short end of the stick. Yesterday, it was the magazines. Last Friday, she told me to print something, but didn't give me the file location, then yelled at me because I couldn't find it on my own. I'm on the last miles of this crazy race, why does she have to make it tougher for us both? But hey - it's almost over. No use hollering at this time. I did try to explain that if I didn't know where the file was, I couldn't guess it. She didn't care.

I did some serious job-hunting to do when I got home. I don't care much if they like it or not - if I get a chance, either the contract is due or not, I'll take it with both hands.

Wednesday Aug 19

T-minus 12 days to go. I called two agencies when I got home from work. I also corrected my resume, and have plans to get it printed and start distributing until my face is in the minds of everyone and anyone looking for an employee on whatever field. My quest extends to various supermarkets, stores, companies and call-centers.

The term "job-hunting" was never as truthful throughout History as it is now. You need proper weaponry (in the form of a resume), a plan (in the form of an interview procedure), camouflage (look sharp, look smart, look like a go-getter). When you do get a job, the tribe cheers and celebrates (my family would go delirious, at least).

The highlight of my day was when the main store computer gave my boss a big "fuck you" early in the morning, since I cannot. The Blue Screen of Death indeed. Windows is in close relationship with Murphy, you know? I think they're in-laws...

Thursday Aug 20

The super said I had to tell her until tomorrow if I want to stay at the store or not. Well, crow: 4 hours, about 300€, cashier, working weekends and holidays. My pass is about 50€, a sixth of what they'll pay me. Normally, I'd say yes... but until the last second, the race is still on. I got home, I went through the day's ads and started e-mailing my resume as if it was spam. I pressed the agencies again. I posted my own ads. I had a large cup of coffee and sought for a job as if my life depended on it.

An hour later, one of the agencies called back - could I go to an interview tomorrow, at 2 PM? You're asking me if I can go to an interview on my work hour? Are you kidding me? I'm there!

Friday Aug 21

Skipped work. I could've gone in the morning and intended to, in fact. The problem is, I'll be in trouble if the super and my boss discover I'm skipping work hours to seek another gig. So my options were:

a) going in the morning, faking disease and going out. Which is tricky. They'd probably give me a pill and measure my temperature, or send me to the hospital and not let me go away on my own. I've seen them doing this before. And you'd think with the H1N1 craze out there, they'd be quick to dismiss you to work.
b) calling in and saying someone in the family died. Also tricky. See, most funeral parlours have to hand you a document stating that you couldn't go to work because you were attending a funeral. If I return on Monday without it, my cover's blown.
c) calling in and saying I'm ill. Again, I'd need a doctor's document to back it up.
d) don't give a shit, don't call, don't show up and worry about it later on. I turned off my cellphone and off I went.

So I hopped on the train - a wacko was singing the whole Delfins discography for some reason... the heat brings out the wackos, you know? - and went to my interview. Things went fairly well. About an hour after I hopped on the train back, I had a second interview bookmarked with the company itself next Monday. Score!

Whatever my excuse for not showing up is, it's going to be happening up to Monday.

Weekend Aug 22 - 23

I installed a Gameboy Advance emulator. Pokemon Fire Red, The Legend of Zelda - The Minish Cap, WarioLand 4, Super Mario Bros Yoshi's Island and the original Legend of Zelda, I'm in business. I'm really considering a Nintendo DS as my next handheld, if I do get this new job and manage to find a second one for mornings.

YouTube Wednesday with Retro Toons

On my last log, I told you a little about Fire and Ice. Along with a trailer for it, I'd like to tell you a little more in this YouTube Wednesday. I loved it when I was a kid: it's a cartoon about a group of heroes' struggle against an overlord who wants to cover the world in glaciers. Ralph Bashki directed and wrote it in 1983, a work somewhat different from his previous movies. See, Bashki worked especially in social comment before... batshit social comment. Hey Good-Lookin', debuting in 1982, was set in the 50's society, and Fritz the Cat, by far his most well-known piece, came out in 1972 and satirized all of the 60's decade. It was also the most disturbing thing I ever looked at after Meet the Feebles.

As for Fire and Ice, it has pretty awesome voice acting (anime dubbers of today, eat your heart out!) and had character and art conception by Frank Frazetta, one of the great fantasy illustrators out there especially as Ice Age stuff is concerned (he did Conan the Barbarian-inspired art), so it's worth a view. If you get the time, take a look at it.

Weekly Log - 10 through 16

Monday Aug 10

Why didn't God start on Tuesday? He could've slept in on Monday, nobody would've minded. Especially not some 2000 years after the birth of His son. Monday is cruel and unusual punishment.

I can't wait to get home. Got a shitload of stuff to do. Tidying up my bedroom, dusting, cleaning, finishing the prison level in Silent Hill 2... when even dusting is more enjoyable than working, you know you've got yourself a winner.

Tuesday Aug 11

When I'm late, I usually recover fast (practice!). Unless, of course, things go as they went today, and I wake up just in time to hear the bus bidding me "fuck you" underneath my window as it runs by. I still managed to recover the delay at the train, and got to work at nine sharp.

The day's event was brought about by a drunken, bleeding man who wandered into the store around lunchtime. We called both the police and the emergencies. The cops told us to call the firemen. The emergencies transferred the call to the firemen, who in turns told us that unless we could get the telephone near the guy, they couldn't provide any aid. Seeing as the phone is attached to the wall of a different room altogether, the boozehound was sent back to the street. Also of notice would be the asshole who came by asking us to do a present wrapping on 2 KG of codfish...

All of this was crowned by the 35ºC in the shade we've been feeling all through the month. I am roasting slowly inside the store, I work next to a fridge's motors, and the boss won't turn on the AC because he's going for some energy conserving award at the end of the year. I'm usually against ACs in general... but I have to admit, it'd come in handy here.

Wednesday Aug 12

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Not for any particular reason, but more of a delicious, nutritious mix of reasons which are meaningless on their own yet make for a very frustrating salad topping once together. Small turds of problems which have been piling up since Monday, until what you get is a pile of shit. The heat, my finances, the people around me, the prospect of working here for month after month, general isolation... a lot of very small croutons that sour off an already hard to swallow onion soup. Also, I'm sort of hungry.

Thursday Aug 13

The last time I recall using this method, I was in highschool, but I've been saying to myself all morning that the week's over in just one day. One of my co-workers caught me and said the heat and the customers should really be getting to me, if I was starting to mutter to myself. Yet my mantra serves a specific purpose now as it did in highschool: keep me within the 3Cs: cool, calm and collected.

Now the "calm" part was lost last night, ie, even before the day began. Temperatures are high and in some sections of the bloody store, as inside my place, it gets hard to breathe. There is no chance in Hell that anyone can take a snooze in my bedroom. Fuck Summer, and fuck global warming. The "calm" part went away throughout the day. The "collected" part is difficult to keep while the other two are amiss. I feel like telling half the people in this store to go to Hell on a trolley, and I still think I'm letting them off easy.

Friday Aug 14

One bus went by early, the other went by late. A deadly combination meant to piss me off - I wasn't at the stop yet for the first and because of the second, I was late for the train. I got stuck with a driver who went downhill as he went uphill. And yet I still managed to get to work on time, I'm not very sure how. Such is the power of being pissed and very mean early in the morning.

My blog has suffered delays up the ass. I have four or five articles waiting to be published, and seem to get no time to finish them. By the time I get home, I'm so tired I usually do just a few lines to try and keep up with the word quota. I can't concentrate enough for more. Take today for instance: it was an apeshit day. Two people didn't come to work. There weren't enough cashiers and they won't let me do it (although I can do every thing else, from magazine restock to phone answering). With the heat, it was tough running up and down the stairs. Everyone, starting at the security guard and ending in the customers, was pissed. I was caught checking my horoscope on a magazine at a time when there was literally jack to do (still got a reprimand, even if there were only two customers inside the store) and got out half an hour late because I had to shop for someone over the phone.

After work, I was late (again) to meet with the guys. And I mean really fuckin' late. You know how it happens: you leave work late, you get on the bus late, you get home late, dinner gets delayed, so does your shower, and so on. Still managed to have a good time before turning in.

Weekend Aug 15 - 16

I have three words to describe Saturday. Silent Hill 2. If it was a person, I would hump it and have its babies. Even with all its flaws, it's one of the games that still manages to fascinate me the twentieth time I finish it. Downloads include a lot of old shit - see, I was checking a few old (and apeshit) cartoons like Heavy Traffic, Fritz the Cat and Hey Good-Lookin', and ended up downloading Fire and Ice (1983) - which is from the same guy, Ralph Bakshi, but not as apeshit. I went on to download (for nostalgia's sake) Labyrinth (1986) and Willow (1988).

Ten D&D Ideas for Bards

#10 - The Little Mermaid
The Little Mermaid bard is an idea I had a while ago. The idea of a bard who loses his voice is a nice one - or, like the nymph Eco, one who can only repeat what is told to him by way of some curse. The Silent Casting feat is a must-have, of course, and it should be agreed with the DM that it comes naturally to the bard as a starting feat... or at least, for the duration of his curse, after which it can be replaced or not.

The Story: This bard was an extremely talented singer in the beginning. The sort that could easily make a living from street performance alone, as his voice enticed people into listening for long periods and tipping his efforts well. Until the fateful day he had the idea of singing a limerick for a sorceress who happened to ignore him on said street: she cast a curse upon him that he wouldn't be able to speak or sing until he had earned a right to a voice again. The variations are infinite: he can be doomed to only say and sing the words in the limerick that doomed him. Or repeat only the last thing he's told. Or he can only be able to speak when he has something of true relevance to say.

The Quest: His quest and first priority are, of course, recovering the ability to sing. Again, the variations are enormous: he may only be able to sing once he attained a certain level; he may have to complete a series of sidequests or a number of tasks (like improve the life of a number of people); he may have to find and kill the sorceress that cursed him; or he may have to find a specific Remove Curse scroll, as rare as a donkey born without balls.

Favored Instrument: Anything that can effectively be accompanied by voice. A guitar works well, an accordion makes for some comic relief, a harp would go well with repeating only the last thing said to him. Pays homage to the Greek tradition.

Music Type: Depends on what instrument he uses, but the more expressive, the better. He may use music as a way to communicate and give away how he is feeling, since he cannot speak.

Roleplay Tips: It is hard to roleplay a character with major impediments. I know - I used to roleplay a blind samurai, and I still used the verb "to see" very often, although he could not. This guy would use song to express himself: fear, anger and love may be easy, but try playing your way into making someone understand you're hungry, or ill, or you know there's a trap up ahead. Writing would be a way to go over it, but if it can be expressed through gestures and song, it is preferable. Once he regains his voice, assuming he can, this guy can be either a regular chatterbox - because he hasn't spoken in so long and has so much to say - or a very quiet person - since through his years of silence he became accustomed to not speaking and making himself understood in few or no words.

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#09 - The Blind
There is a Japanese legend about a blind bard who was once bothered by spirits. He played so well even a dead princess and her court demanded to hear him. The bard was oblivious to the fact everyone he sang to every night was dead, and he was in fact sitting in front of a large, ancient cemetery. Eventually, a monk discovered what was happening, and decided to help the bard escape certain doom. After all, once he finished the epic poem he was singing, the dead princess would most certainly want to keep him.

So the monk painted the bard's body with a spell meant to keep him invisible. That way, when the princess' goons came to pick him up, they would be unable to see him and assume he disappeared, so the bard would be freed. The problem is, when the monk painted the bard's body, he forgot the ears. When the princess' guard came to pick him up the following night, he saw only a pair of floating ears, which he immediately ripped away from the invisible head to bring to the princess, assuming the bard had in fact disappeared and only the ears were left. Thus the bard became deaf.

Playing someone like this requires a lot of adjustments and agreements with the DM. It's hard to do, but with the right feats and adjustments, it may be a very interesting character with very interesting... views on life. (pun obviously intended)

The Story: This bard was born blind (in which case, level and feat adjustment apply for him to be able to function fairly normally) and learned how to play at a very young age, eventually becoming very good. So good in fact, his influence reaches even the spirits. Since the bard is blind and cannot see who is and isn't undead, he treats the undead as regular living people - including any damage, enchantment and critical hit he may deal when using music. And I realize that even if we do not see them, they are still undead and take damage as such, but it's just a way to put it. His sight or the lack thereof has nothing to do with his ability, which comes exclusively from the way he plays.

The Quest: In keeping up with the original legend and the bard's influence on the undead, you may choose to give him a quest to bring peace to revolted souls. It is his sworn duty to aid spirits in passing to the other side through song, and exorcising places haunted by the undead.

Favored Instrument: In the original legend, the bard plays a string instrument. I would go with a blow instrument here, though. it would be easier for a child to learn and doesn't need as much maintenance as a string instrument.

Music Type: Calm, soothing songs. Check out any CD with Celtic music performed on a flute and you get a slight idea. The kind of song you'd play to take a quiet snooze.

Roleplay Tips: This is the most tranquil fellow anyone will meet. There are certain limitations to the actions he may take, being blind: he would need some aid in certain tasks, his speed would be much inferior to that of normal characters, the Blind Fight feat is, of course, a must. Still, this is a very calm guy. He believes he was granted a power, which he must use for good. Still he is also aware he will not be able, in his lifetime, of turning every single revolted spirit out there. So he goes about his business quietly and does his thing without worrying much. In dialog, keep in mind the guy is blind. Voice tone and way of speech are more important to him than facial expressions. He is also likely to be a good diplomat and an argumentative fellow. Not being able to see, he must pay careful attention to what is said. It is his only clue if someone tries to fool or trick him.

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#08 - Drummer Stereotype
In the musical circle, the drummer is seen in pretty much the same light we in D&D see the Half-Orc: a brute, rather stupid (or very stupid, depends if you like Half-Orcs or not) and not so much a musical professional as someone who can bang the pots and pans. It's a stereotype that can be explored easily in D&D, seeing as we do have Half-Orcs and we do have bards. And especially since the drums are closely associated with savage tribes (barbarians, for instance), we may have a multiclass in hands right here. Keep in mind, though, while I'm using the Half-Orc as an example, you don't need to make the Drummer into one. A regular Human barbarian works just as well.

The Story: He was a mediocre warrior in his tribe. He wasn't as good physically as most of the other tribe members. In battle, they started putting him in the back, banging a drum to raise the morale, instead of charging along with the others and not only getting very hurt, but also embarrassing himself and his tribe's good name. Once he had the drums, though, he was a prodigy in keeping his people going for as long as needed. And if an enemy happened to cross the attack line, he could always attack as easily as any other.

The Quest: Well, if he is so good in his tribe, why the Hell would he want to leave? Same reason as any drummer: he wants recognition for his musical talent. When you realize you suck at something most of your peers can do, yet exceed expectations in something they cannot, you want to be recognized. Not only by said peers, but by everyone. If his tribe already recognizes him, is time for the world to. He's going to go out there and reach for fame as a barbarian and as a bard.

Favored Instrument: The drums, obviously.

Music Type: You have two choices here. I like both, one more than the other. You can either go to YouTube and check Yoshiki's drum solos... or you can listen to some traditional African war drums or taiko drums. Given the fact this guy is a barbarian as first class, my preference should be clear.

Roleplay Tips: Bard or no bard, he started off as a barbarian and should be roleplayed as such. With the difference this is a barbarian who's holding drumsticks instead of the usual club. Forget everything you remember ever associating with bards: he's not delicate, he's not polite, he's not patient or overly effective with words. He is no diplomat. He likes his food hot and plenty, his beer mug full, fast and loud music, and will punch in the face anyone who ever thinks he is dumb. He thinks himself to be very good (and is, in fact) and will show it in every available occasion, becoming a little peeved if you disagree. He is quick to anger and prone to violence.

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#07 - Desperado
In the movie Desperado (1995), Antonio Banderas (brrr) plays a mariachi - a street music performer in Mexico - out to kill the son of a bitch who murdered his wife and shot him in the hand, impairing his ability to play the guitar. I think we had enough impairments with #10 and #9, this guy is all about his story, quest and attitude. No huge adaptations, no great modifications, just build a bard and crank some personality in until it's coming out his ears!

The Story: His life was once good. He was a successful bard, maybe running his own show house, or working at his favorite inn. Maybe he had a wife and kids. Maybe he had siblings and parents. Maybe he had a dog named Biscuit. However you want to do it, this guy was once the happiest man alive. Until this one son of a bitch arrived, set fire to the show house / inn, raped and murdered his wife, tortured his kids to death, drowned his siblings, hung his parents, and kicked Biscuit. And then, like most bad guys do, beat a very brave retreat. Maybe it was done out of spite, maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. It doesn't matter. What matters is, this bard's life was once perfect, now it's a world of shit, and someone has to pay for it. If you want to run a bit away from the whole "wife and kids died" thing, you can. Make it personal: the one son of a bitch made the bard's life into living Hell, that's where you want to get. How you get there is just gravy.

The Quest: The one son of a bitch, or group of sons of bitches, however you wish to put it. This bard was down in the dumps after all that shit happened, but he is all better now. And he is set on getting revenge for what was done to his life in the worst possible way. This guy is a little crazy. He will go to every length, cross every taboo and slay away anyone he must to get to the one son of a bitch.

Favored Instrument: Once again, we're tempted by the string instruments, which allow for the type of music most closely associated with this bard.

Music Type: Angry music, fast music. This is a guy who once sang his woes, how his life was good and now it's not. That's over though: now, he only sings about revenge, death, destruction and anger. Very appellative to the teenage and revolted (two words which should be synonyms by the way).

Roleplay Tips: He is completely obsessed. For a long time in the campaign, or even the whole duration of the campaign, he thinks of nothing else than the one son of a bitch. He will not take sidequests unless it may lead him to his enemy. He will refuse the whole main quest, unless it provides clues to the whereabouts of the one son of a bitch. He talks of nothing else, goes to bed set on doing the son of a bitch harm, and awakens with the same idea. With the continuity of the campaign, he may get new interests: he makes friends with the rest of the party, perhaps, gets a love interest maybe, thinks of rebuilding his life. This is still all wishful thinking and secondary, though. In his mind, he can only go on as he was, once the one son of a bitch is gone, and by his hand. Eventually it becomes not only a question of revenge, but a whole obstacle he must cross if he is to go on with his normal life.

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#06 - The Gipsy
What I like about the Gipsy is the possibility to, once again, join two classes. You have a guy who starts off as a bard and takes up rogue levels in the future. His prime occupation is as a street performer and a bard, but if the business if faltering, he may also choose to relieve some patrons of the tips in their pockets. Bard and rogue are two classes understood as very closely related (they were even approached in the same book: Song and Silence), and it's about time we make the best of the rogue's skills and the bard's casting.

The Story: A run-of-the-mill story. This guy may come from a long line of street performers, and his whole life he has earned a living by his talent. Of course, talent alone won't get you food, lodgings and some luxuries unless you're pretty damn good, and in some places street performers are arrested... so you have to turn to something else. For him, it was normal: his whole family and peers did it. He sought a solo career when his group disbanded, or he can be the last of his kin. It's a very simple bio which frees your character into a very broad quest possibility.

The Quest: Anything goes here. Maybe he picked the wrong pocket. Maybe someone liked to hear him and has a task for him to accomplish. Maybe he took an interest in this or that person or affair. Maybe he wants to know if someone from his group or family is still alive somewhere, and seeks distant relatives whenever he can.

Favored Instrument: Strings again, especially if by the denomination Gipsy you remembered La Bamba.

Music Type: Cheerful, carefree music. Something that anyone would enjoy hearing. Again, La Bamba comes to mind. Since he is a street performer, he plays music that anyone could enjoy, and anything that would make people feel a little happier, thus a little more inclined to part with their money. Tunes people can dance to are also good picks. Or, maybe he is the sort of person who does risqué stuff people actually have fun listening to...

Roleplay Tips: Let's get one thing straight here: this is a street performer by career. Money is very important to him. No matter how much he has, he wouldn't mind having a little more, the easier the better. He doesn't need to actively pick pockets, but if it means tomorrow's meal is guaranteed, well, let's do it. Still, he is an artist at heart, and may choose to try to earn tips before resorting to thievery. He is easygoing and enjoys laughter, this being what he hopes people will feel as well when he plays. Since he performs on the street, he may be a multitasking entertainer: he plays an instrument, sings, tells jokes, he is probably able of some acrobatic feats, and he is a very sly and cunning speaker. The sort that could sell ice to penguins if needed. In daily life as in battle, these are all skills he uses often and well.

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#05 - Elvis
One of the cool things about D&D is how easily you can change a core setting to suit your needs. We always assume D&D is set in a more or less medieval world, but if you change a couple of things and read the right books, you can make your setting go fast-forward into the Renaissance, for instance. It is based on this premise that Elvis shows up.

The Story: He was taught by someone very traditional as music goes, but as he grew up, he started trailing away from tradition and into new and uncharted territory of music. When he was old enough and knowledgeable enough to start composing, he found a completely new style, something nobody else had heard before. He met difficulties with his master, but the ones who heard him seemed to love the way he played. He eventually kicked the old method in the rear and set off to do his own thing, and bring this new musical style to people.

The Quest: Fame, recognition and fortune are his main goals. This guy invented something good and he wants to share it with everyone. He wants people to hear it, and others to play similarly. His greatest enemy is tradition here - in music, in thought, in everything. This is a revolutionary person with revolutionary ideas.

Favored Instrument: Strings, string, strings! ...actually, depending on what "new and exciting" musical style you want to give him, so will the instrument change. Strings still wins, since it's versatile. If you could pull a piano, it would also work... but we all know a bard with a piano is one of those very difficult and very troublesome things that DMs and players alike don't want to touch with a ten foot pole.

Music Type: It depends on your setting. If it's medieval and everyone is listening to traditional Celtic music, introduce something that is close but forward in time, like folk or new age music. Or you could just tell that to fuck itself and get a song style nobody would ever think of at the era the setting is happening on.

Roleplay Tips: He is very ahead of his time in thought, so he's very liberal. It is hard to find something he still considers taboo. He has a clear idea, in music as in society, of how things should be. And a very clear conscience that they're not like that. This doesn't necessarily mean he is a revolted person, but that he is trying to change the world in some way. In a setting where things like divorce are considered forbidden and unthinkable, he thinks if two people don't love each other, they shouldn't have to put up with each other "until Death do us part", for instance. This will bring him many enemies, especially in the Lawful alignment. His roleplay situations arise mainly from the clash between his way of thought and everyone else's.

***

#04 - Portuguese Fado Singer
Fado is pretty much the Portuguese blues. And I'm well aware I have just ignored a series of fado styles which have nothing to do with being depressed and blue over the things you must do or go through because of destiny. Still, the most famous fado is the one that goes on about woes and sadness. It has a very particular style, and it is widely accepted that most people who sing or play it have some woes of their own, from where they derive the inspiration and the soul. If you want to play an angst-y character and, like me, you dislike emos, you've just found your guy.

The Story: He has one of the saddest stories in the book, and sings it whenever possible. From day one, his life was shit: he is the youngest of several siblings in a poor family, his father died at sea, no matter how much he struggled he was never really able to make it. Lost loves, a life of trials and tribulations, general bad luck. He became a wanderer in a desperate attempt to flee death, poverty and a feeling of longing, which seem to follow him everywhere still. He started singing and playing to relieve his heart and soul, and eventually discovered it was actually a way to turn a GP or two.

The Quest: Whatever it is, it is something he did not bring upon himself. Something that came about due to the circumstances - destiny is ever present in this guy's life, and his quest must also be closely related to destiny. After all, not every single Chosen One out there has to be epic, heroic, brave and strong. Some of them can just mope their way through the quest, dooming the day they ever entered it and getting frustrated over the fact things didn't go as planned.

Favored Instrument: There is only one instrument that goes with fado, and that's the Portuguese guitar.

Music Type: If you don't know at this point, we have a problem. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Roleplay Tips: This guy can be roleplayed in a variety of ways, depending on how annoying to all other party members you want him to be. After all, if this guy is mostly a depressed and sad person, he is bound to irritate the shit out of those which are not. A backup story not even the most joyful of gnomes could find something funny about is a good base. You don't need to make him into an emo: he doesn't need to wear black eyeliner, have suicidal tendencies and cry a lot. That's not what fado is. He is sad, sure, but he goes on, ever hopeful for the day when things will take a turn for the best. He doesn't need to constantly complain and brood, but he has an overall negative view on life. There is probably something for which he yearns, or someone - that is the essence of fado. He may have had it and miss it, or he may never have had it and want it badly, yet knowing it is most likely out of his reach since destiny wants him to take another road. He is not frustrated, he simply feels something is amiss in his life.

***

#03 - He Shall Sing on Your Grave
Another class fusion, this time we're going to pick one of my favorite prestige classes out there: the assassin. Maybe the idea of someone who kills stealthily and someone who plays an instrument and sings don't go well together in your head. Yet keep in mind that music is mainly a way of expressing yourself. So is carving your initials on someone's face. In a way, it's just creative outlet, and may work out if you do it right. Most people get to the assassin class by means of the rogue, and I'm here to present an alternative.

The Story: He always liked song, particularly unlikely songs about gruesome things, on the same line of work as he is. A good way to pull this is having him start as a bard, which would be his prime occupation. Maybe he was forced to learn an instrument due to parental or community pressure. Maybe he taught himself how to do it at an age when he still wasn't murdering people. The interesting part of his tale begins once he actually becomes an assassin, and starts expressing what he knows, sees and does through music. The occupation bard is his cover-up so that socially, he is not condemned or discovered. Sure, he sings about gruesome things, but it's all cool. Everyone's got their thing, right? Some may assume he is actually a genius for the way he describes things he (supposedly) never lived through. Plus, few things are probably as satisfying as writing a song about how someone lost their life to an assassin's hands... your own.

The Quest: Feel free to assign to him any quest, or none at all. He's a bard by day and an assassin by night, one covers for the other, none the wiser. Maybe he is on the brink of being found out, maybe he was hired for a gig on either of his jobs, maybe he just happened to be playing at the inn where the party was staying and they found his song about blood and guts too realistic to be the product of just some demented head.

Favored Instrument: Since he is only a bard part-time, he can play something bards generally don't, like the aforementioned piano. For combat purposes, he is still an assassin and can effectively cast assassin spells. It is unlikely he would need the bard spells, but if he should, he also has means to take confrontations to a place where, he knows, the instrument of his preference exists. If you think it's complicated, fit him with a classical instrument: cello, for instance, or violin.

Music Type: His music lives through the lyrics. I would advise something on this line of work, whatever the musical style is. Some of you are going to immediately associate heavy metal with this bard, but I'd advise you to check some spoken word or the really alternative stuff (like the one above). It can get way creepier.

Roleplay Tips: This guy is obviously proud and intelligent, and it tickles him that he can freely talk about what he does in his other job without anyone asking questions. He is, after all, boasting and getting paid for it. Still, openly admitting you are a murderer, even if masked into art, is a dangerous thing. This is an overly careful man with a gift to talk plenty yet say little. He's suspicious of everyone, and the more suspicious he gets, the more he wants to hand them clues about what he does. It's something that thrills him and the reason why he keeps at it. Maybe he is a real wacko and wants to be caught, and maybe he thinks he can outsmart guards, adventurers and anyone else who wants to follow the leads he leaves behind. Remember, this is happening at an age when if you don't find the bard and have him sing, you only get hearsay about his work.

***

#02 - Don Juan de Marco
When you think of the bard, you think of him being more or less the way music artists are. And this include the fans. And what would any of us do with a faithful legion of fans of the opposite sex? ... What wouldn't we do... ?

The Story: He entered the musical business perhaps out of vocation, or perhaps because he noticed it was a good way to pick up girls. He has real talent, and maybe studied under some of the best, but he has no elevated yearnings for artistic outlet or fame and fortune in mind. He only thinks about one thing, and that's tail. Probably this would also be the reason why he started adventuring: husbands get jealous, patrons on a village tire of their women all paying attention to the same guy, maybe he did something he shouldn't and it was time to split. Plus, how is he supposed to meet more women if he doesn't move around from time to time?

The Quest: Women. He is good at wooing them and enjoys doing it. It doesn't matter who it is, or if he really has romantic or sexual intents, he enjoys the power his music has over them, and will woo them even if he has no romantic or sexual intent, just for kicks. The more he can entice the better, and if a particularly stubborn one shows up, he just found himself something to work on, a goal to reach. Like most people of this sort, however, he tires easily. As soon as one is conquered, he already has his eye on the next one.

Favored Instrument: Anything goes here, so as long as you can play some romantic tunes on it.

Music Type: There are several types of romantic or sexually themed bard. He can be romantic, he can be extremely direct (speaking of which, pardon the douchebag that shows up on that last vid). Or he can suit his music to specific targets: figure out what each lady likes, and deliver it.

Roleplay Tips: Rogue wiles are one of his tools, only he steals hearts and affections instead of coins and goods. This is not a guy who actively wants to break hearts, he just likes to flirt, and uses whatever tools he has at his disposition. It is possible most of his amorous interests are strongly, yet shortly, lived. He loves each and every woman he meets unconditionally and forever, until the next one comes along that is. In fact, he probably never thought his actions can have devastating effects in other people's lives. Even when someone points it out, he doesn't find it so serious: it's all good fun, after all.

***

#01 - Brother Cletus
Brother Cletus is my favorite bard project, and one I actively want to make happen. It is simple, obvious and funny. I first got the idea from listening to this song, of course. Yet another try at multiclass, we're talking about someone who starts off as a cleric and later takes levels as a bard.

The Story: He was originally a cleric who got transferred from a small village (where people worshipped at the temple regularly) to a huge city (where people find religion a little boring). In trying to bring religion to the people in a less tedious way, because he truly has a vocation as a cleric and is quite devoted, he started to notice people likes music, especially high-paced music. He began adapting song into the worship method, and effectively brought some more people back to the temple of his faith. Once the practice was set in one temple, he moved on to others of the same area, and in time he had room to dedicate to something in a larger scale: travelling about teaching his deity isn't a bore, not as stuck up as people take it and converting the unbelievers.

The Quest: Converting and demistiftyng the image of his deity is his main quest. Even with a chaotic-aligned deity, people usually see the gods as someone who is too far from them to care, or for them to care. They fear the gods, and want to keep a distance from them so as not to be intimidated. The rituals, in fact, are intimidating: methodology, strict rules, formal clothing. Brother Cletus here sees his religion in a different way: it is for people, it doesn't need to be overly formal, it can be enjoyable and you don't need to fear it. This is the image of his deity he wants to pass on, and he does it through song. And since he is a cleric, he yearns to aid as many people as possible (if good-aligned), keep harmony (neutral-aligned) or "sell" the deity's favors (evil-aligned).

Favored Instrument: You want him to have something he can easily sing with wherever he goes. We're gonna stumble on the guitar again, of course, but it can be anything where you can play a catchy tune.

Music Type: Gospel music. Any song and lyric can be adapted into the same beat, so you can as easily have him sing about doing good for your neighbor or that the gods will grant you priviledge for smithing him.

Roleplay Tips: First and foremost, he is a devoted cleric with modern views on his deity. His faith cannot be shattered, he is absolutely sure of what he's doing and he treats the deity as his best buddy. Then he loves music, of course, and uses it as means of worship. In battle, different songs can be adapted to different bardic music traits: just lurk a bit around YouTube and you'll find gospel songs for every occasion. Plus, if you've seen enough videos concerning gospel and its singers, you already pretty much know how to roleplay him. Oh, glory!

Weekly Log - 03 through 09

Monday Aug 03

The number of screeching children inside a supermarket is directly proportional to the possibility of a headache on the staff. I discovered that today. Parents, please... silence thine fuckin' infants. I don't get these women: their kid is running amok a little everywhere, forcing the door opened and closed, messing with the baskets, taking shit off the shelves and promptly opening it, annoying everyone. And they somehow just learned to shut the whole thing off and go about their business, never doing more than barking an unenthusiastic "Be quiet!" from time to time. This is just one more reason why I don't want to have kids. And for all of those who are already thinking, "But Seion, you ravishing, seductive woman, your kids will only be like that if you let them.", I have this to say. When did I give you the impression I'd want my kids to hang around with kids like those?

Tuesday Aug 04

August is a stressful and boring month for one who, like me, hates the beach and all things related: daylight, brightness, high temperatures, teenagers on vacations, puffing up like a balloon fish, sweating, crowded buses, every other person on the street having one or more levels in wacko... fuck Summer, fuck global warming and fuck every douchebag who asks you "So, did you go to the beach?" right after "Hey, how was your weekend?" No, I didn't go to the beach. I abhor the beach. I stayed home and worked on my plan to come into this store with a shotgun and kill every single piece of shit in here. It's going well, thanks for asking.

Wednesday Aug 05

The washing machine got up this morning, coughed, gave us a dual bird and called its years of good service quits. The kitchen was flooded up to the door. And it's staying like that, we still need to wash clothes and there's no cash to fix the damn thing. We're now working with towels on the floor. At all times.

Along with all the other shit I get, now even my pipes want to see me lose my shit... Murphy, You son of a bitch! Maybe someday You'll come thumbling down from wherever the fuck You live and fall forehead-first into a big rock, which may crack and swallow You up!

Thursday Aug 06

Well, bingo - not only is the rent late as predicted last week by yours truly, but Mum has again taken to an activity which is very annoying. Looking up jobs for me.

She is really keen on this. She is really trying to find a job for me on weekends, and if she does, I'll have to give her a very clear "NO" and we'll get very sore with each other for a very long time. I know - or rather, I choose to believe - she means well in looking up jobs for me. But when she does, it makes me feel like I'm doing nothing to improve my situation. I'm working and trying to save money. I cannot get a second job while I have the week tied up with this one - and I am entitled to rest. Everyone is entitled to rest. I saw this happening, I warned everyone, I said it was not fair. I refuse to pay for it as well.

Friday Aug 07

Good news awaited me when I returned home today. The first in a while. Kusanagi sent a gift and his regards via my brother (who was MIA until late this afternoon, it seems). It's Silent Hill 2 Special Edition. Say aloud with me: Silent Hill 2, Special Edition. The one with the Making Of DVD. Plus, a game which actually runs, because mine, as you'll recall, died a while ago.

My big Silent Hill blue balls were appeased. I don't know how you found it, Kusanagi, since the special edition of this is almost as legendary as Project Zero 2 in national territory, and I had more than once given a thought to getting it via eBay. But you gave me one of the best presents I ever got. HAVE MY BABIES! (seriously, you shouldn't have. You'll spoil me. And I don't care.)

Weekend Aug 08 - 09

Don't have anything to say as Saturday is concerned because I spent it finishing up the first ending of Silent Hill 2. I'm sorry. I'm a fangirl. I don't behave like this for (almost) anything else, and I am proud to say that, despite having felt slightly turned on during gameplay (because Silent Hill does that to me, especially Silent Hill 2), I did not squee.

It was my Mum's birthday on Sunday. She turned 45. We went out to eat, drink, and be merry.

YouTube Wednesday with Anabela de Malhadas

And you didn't think radio show hosts ever had a hard time...

Weekly Log - 27 through 02

Monday Jul 27

Just a couple of weeks back I distinctly recall writing that this places looks like the setting for a sitcom, complete with characters and events. I can assure you that it remains like that. The incident du jour being that this morning, someone took a dump on the toilet lid at the female employees' bathrooms. The toilet lid. I swear on my sight I am not making this up.

It seems that at the time, the lights in the female employees' can were off because of a busted light bulb. The security guard thinks someone might have tried to go in the dark, and either realized too late she messed up, or not at all. We aren't sure. It might have been on purpose for all I care. The artistry was complete with toilet paper tossed on top, which leads me to how the thing was discovered: the cleaning lady was apparently in the same line of thought and decided to try and clean the bathroom in complete darkness... by crow, I am not making this up. She found a paper atop the toilet lid, and realized when removing it there was something else, but since she had no light, she had to try and figure out what it was by touch...

The word sblosh comes to mind. Cleaning bathrooms... definitely a shitty job (ba-dum-tsch!).

The cleaning lady would later state that in 30 years in the cleaning profession, she had never seen anything like that. I know how she feels. I'm 23 and I never heard anything short of a drunken story that even slightly resembled this.

Tuesday Jul 28

Still no signs of getting paid. The security guard is also still trying to figure out who decided to drop a deuce on the toilet lid. He made a list of all female employees and went around fishing for clues. Atop the page with the female employees' names was written "Find the Shitter", operation name style. Murphy, why do you send me to the midst of these people? You have sent me to a place where there is someone either a) stupid enough not to notice she's realigning her chi on the toilet lid or b) disgusting enough to realign her chi on a toilet lid. And I don't know which of these I'd rather have.

Wednesday Jul 29

I wrote a haiku. Here it is:

No cash on the bank,
Bills late and Seion pissed,
Fuck them you know where.

Or at least I think it is a haiku. Not important. Fuck that you know where.

Thursday Jul 30

I'm pretty sure the house rent will still get delayed. Even with this job, I am not leaving the gutter so soon, it seems. Mum wants me to look for a weekend job.

I let that suggestion slip out of my ears just as soon as it stopped there. I want a weekend. I am fuckin' entitled to that at least. I don't care how many hours I work a week, I want my weekend intact: 48 hours to do whatever the fuck I want to do. Even if it's stay in bed all day. My leg hurts, my knee complains from time to time, I'm tired, my back ache, my patience runs dry - I demand a day at least. 24 hours at the very least, to sleep if I want to and have fun. 5/7 of my life were pretty much always spent doing shit I disliked: kindergartens, schools, sports I never wanted to play, people I don't like seeing, staying with relatives, doing homework, cleaning, putting up with both parents acting like fuckin' kids instead of being grown-up about their bloody divorce, one crappy job after another, new acquaintances I did not want, shit, shit, shit, shit and shit everywhere I look. No. There is no way. I want my break. I refuse to give that away.

Friday Jul 31

Let chaos set in: no supervisors today from noon on. I once said the first circle of Hell was a call-center with 200 operators set in a small room, calling all customers from nine PM on. I am now convinced the second circle of Hell is an understaffed supermarket at the end of the month with no supervisors from noon on.

The only supervisor came in before noon to tell me the results of a meeting she and other store supers had with the campaign management yesterday. The involved parties who have an over 4 digit income are surprised the thing isn't flying off the shelves.

Of course it isn't. I've known this was a dud from day one. Heck, I knew this was a dud ever since the formative classes. Everyone in the store, with the possible exception of the manager, knows this is a dud. And, of course, customers know this is a dud! Bloody simple! But you know how these things work: it's never the product that's flawed, it's the promoters. It's been a pain in my side ever since I've entered the trade.

So now they're slowly turning this shit into an agrressive sale. They've sent us several e-mails with "tips" on how to promote the damn thing, and reinforcing we should not be allocated to tasks not involving the product (fat chance... if I forget everything else I do here, chaos will take over and stay. Super agreed). Basically, I am very, very pissed. Still, over the morning, while doing my mechanical flyer handout thing, I had the time to chill out, organize my head and get the ideas to hump each other and produce some common sense. All I need is an alternative. I am not giving away my weekend and I need to get out of sales. Don't lose your head just yet, Seion. You've pulled through worse shit. You can find a way out of this - maybe sooner than you think.

Weekend Aug 01 - 02

August the 1st is the birthday of one of my favorite bars. I had been waiting all week for the celebration - a nine-to-six party that promised to be almost too awesome for words. The first few hours were great, as usual. Nice music, some guys turning up in strange costumes (two guys were wearing bloody chainmail! A bloody fuckin' chainmail armor!), the beer was cool, and we even had cake!

Then the fuzz turned up and stopped the party. We had to leave the bar early because someone complained about the noise - as it turns out, the bar manager had asked for a license to keep the bar open until later on, and it wasn't granted. It only took one elderly lady... fuck, man. Quoting Eddy in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, whatever the fuck happened to Saturday night? Most bars are only open 'til two! When I first started going out, we had until at least four the in AM. Perfectly doable! The music wasn't that loud either, what was the fuckin' problem?!

Anyway, we just changed bars, since a couple "friends of a friend" were inside the already-closed bar down the street. We were there until about really bloody late o'clock. I won a second round of Seven Sin (against both J and said friend - again, two shot advantage. Go me). And spent Sunday shopping for clothes. Mine were too large and too ripped already and I was in dire need of some more.