Seion's Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

Yeah, I'm sorta late this year. What with the moving, the working and the shitty connection that takes its time to upload what I write making typing these posts an inhuman form of suck, I'm afraid my usual letter was severely delayed.

You and I've always had a love/hate relationship, Santa. But I would like to say (without brown-nosing, mind you, since I've already got myself the Christmas gifts - spare you some time) that, as a professional, I sort of admire you. You've been working this lousy task for eons now, and hope to crow you won't lose it before retirement. Someone with your age and a resume that just won't stand on its own legs, you'll be in the unemployment lines forever.

I know why you'd want this task actually. The hours are awesome. You work one night as a deliveryman, and spend the rest of the year administrating a factory and doing mostly office work. But I know it's not easy. The way you carry, with the beard and flying around in the air, I'm surprised Americans haven't arrested you on terrorism charges. And you walk into little kids' rooms to give them toys and treats, it would be very likely they'd throw in some pedophilia just because. Your insurance on the sled must be a pain in the neck every year, plus reindeer feeding and vets (there's eight of them, after all...). You've been doing ads for over 30 years and never seen a red cent on that. With the poles melting up, you'll probably have to move your operation somewhere high like the Himalayas, and of movings I know...

Plus, what's with the kids these days huh? I remember being nine and asking you for a bucket full of Lego (which I still have, by the by, one of your best works by far, thank you), and now I see these brats asking for the Xbox 360, 3G cell phones, laptops and notebooks... you must be head over heels trying to hire any elves who know electronics. Or getting deeper and deeper into debt making partnership with all those companies. Is that why you're always wearing the same clothes, or is it a uniform sort of thing? This is why I sort of got my own Christmas gifts... a PS3 for me and my brother, new (secondhand) cell for me, another one (also secondhand) for Mum, furniture for the house and a lot of great food.

And now even the Catholic church wants a quarrel with you, I hear. They made an appeal for people to stop hanging Santa dolls out their windows. Instead, they're selling a red cloth with a naked baby Jesus (which is creepy like all Hell on their part) for €15 a piece for people to hang instead. I mean, come on! You buy a big one for €8 in any chinese store... I know it's mockery on your work to hang a Santa doll, but see things this way: this is the generation of Twitter, iPhones and mandatory ID chips for each and every dog. If you don't get some advertising, you're done. And I mean advertising for yourself. Not for all the crow-damn companies that keep featuring you in their publicity.

Speaking of which, even that got jaded this year, huh? Last year you were featured next to two smoking hot Christmas Mamas (Mrs. Clause must've been mad as a turkey, huh?). This year, you were featured in an ad in your underpants! What the Hell happened?

I know you're worried about your job, Santa. We all are. These are some seriously fucked up times. Maybe you should consider retiring - go to Bocca Ratan, get under the Sun, melt a pack of butter on your belly, take up bridge and pipe-smoking, the works... but hey, between you and me, it's one way to get out of the house when Mrs. Clause mentions the Christmas Mamas, even if just once a year. Who knows, maybe she'll be less of a stiff in Bocca. Consider it. With all the years you've been shoving money for social security, you're bound to get one awesome retirement fund.

Anyway - my Mum's sleeping on the living room, so if you do choose to drop in for a snack, take care not to wake her up. Beer's in the pantry, white wine in the fridge. Some shrimp leftovers and pudding are also in the fridge, I recommend both (the pudding, especially), and if you want something to go, there's a pack of chips somewhere in the kitchen. If you need coffee (and crow do you ever...) it's by the oven.

Cheers,
Seion

PS - I don't know if you had anything to do with my cat being found after 2 weeks lost. But if you did, it was the best Christmas present ever. Surpassed the Lego bucket by half a mile at the least.

PPS - Bring an extra jacket when flying around Western Europe. I'm pretty sure at this point we're getting as cold as the crow-damned Pole.

Weekly Log - 23 through 29

Monday Nov 23

Welcome to tension city, population me. Remember how I gotta be out of my place by the end of the month? Yeah, me too. And it's killing me since the walls aren't even painted yet! We bagged a shitload of things and started carrying them across the street, but there's still a lot to be moved, I don't have a closet, the house still needs a lot of work and I have no idea by which miracle I will pull this.

I'm usually the queen of leaving at the last minute and still getting there on time. It's happened in the past to leave home at 07:38 for the 07:45 bus and make it, showered, dressed, with my face on and cursing like a sailor to whatever Gods will hear me, but still get to work on time. Crow knows I've pulled insane miracles in the past. Where I'll pull this one from and how much it'll hurt coming out, that's what I'm worried about. And they won't let me take days off from work, you know... in any circumstance. So even if I wanted to clear up a Friday to get shit done faster, no cigar. Shit creek. Paddle fell off about 3 miles of rapids ago.

I wrote down an agenda for the next few days, trying to get organized, but you know what's been said about the best laid plans of mice and men. And quoting René Artois in 'Allo 'Allo, "I think this plan was laid by a mouse".

On the work department... they gave me the briefing for a new survey campaign I'm supposed to begin in, as soon as they can find the error that's keeping me out of the program. This particular campaign scares me more than that scene in the made-for-TV version of Ju-On where there's a building littered with disturbing-sounding, white-clad, in serious need of a hairbrush ghost ladies. This is a survey meant for clients that have abandoned the bank and we wanna know why.

It's basically the telemarketing way of asking "Why don't you love me anymore?" and "Will you come back if I pleasure you with my mouth?"

I used to do something similar in another telemarketing gig. We called it SOS, likely because that's what operators wrote on the center windows once they knew they had to login to that campaign. It was shortly before I left the place, and contributed for a faster skedaddle on my part. That was, in short, the most miserable, heart and ear-wrecking, gut-turning, up-chucking, mind-blasting, mood-fucking, butt-raping experience I had in my professional life. And that's in short. Don't ask how it was in long.

For the moment, though, I'll be auditing. So maybe I can feel up the terrain before plunging in head first. Let's see how this one turns out.

Tuesday Nov 24

Tomorrow, I have a date with Pops to buy paint. Some furniture will have to wait and so will lamps. I think I might make it. It's a bad race and most of the other horses are ahead, but I think I can make it.

Wednesday Nov 25

It never rains, but boy does it pour! Flooded streets, plus the usual motherfucker driver who runs right through the water puddles to get the people waiting at the bus stop soaked (how I wish I saw one of these slam into a post right after doing it...), wet from my knees down for the best part of my way back home. It's still my kind of weather.

In the morning, I bought paint. Pops gave me and the cans a lift back, but didn't even enter the building to check the place. Not for lack of invitation form my part. Screw him.

Work = dull. No access yet, due to the same error, so I can't work. I spent my day doing e-Learning on money laundering and terrorism financing. Great. Yeah because Portugal may be hit with a terrorist attack, or house terrorists attacking other places! We're this big, important, worldwide potency and all! Get outta here... we're not even in allied relations with a big, important, worldwide potency. We're a few square miles of bullshit planted by the sea, with decent beaches, awesome food and old glories to our name, flag and hymn. And we're taking measures against terrorism because crow only knows what would happen if the Al-Qaeda got a hold of our codfish recipes!

That's like a mouse getting measures in case he ever gets attacked by a tiger.

Anyway, Al Capone coined the term "money laundering", and I'm a big fan of ol' Scarface, so I didn't mind much spending four hours of my existence on this Earth taking a course about how it's done. At least I'm not looking at center walls.

Since I got the paint, I also bought a new pair of boots. My old ones are great to wear while painting: they're old, worn out, in need of retirement. They've plenty of miles on their soles. And I found a decent pair at less than €20 a pair. Pretty nifty. Back in the day, I paid more for my old ones.

I also took care of my electricity bill. It's in my name now. Or at least, from now on.

Thursday Nov 26

Mum asked Pops the car, loaded it with a lot of stuff, her dog and a cat, and drove off to leave stuff on the South, and bring back a counter, a couch and two chairs we'll be using for the time being.

...I'm gonna miss my cat. I don't have the time or funds to keep them both... I had to choose one or the other. After a lot of hesitation, I picked Kafka. My elder car is more used to Mum... and he won't run away, since he's fixed, while Kafka would disappear in seconds.

My cat was with me nearly ten years, though. I'll miss him, I know. I was sad to see him go.

I recorded a video of him on my cellphone yesterday. Eating pizza (fuck cheezburger, amirite?) And this morning, Mum placed him in the box, and drove off just like that... long goodbyes isn't my style, you know? Even for a cat... especially for a cat. He's getting old as well and... that might've influenced my choice. If he dies of old age, he better do it far away from me.

Anyway... at work, I'm auditing still. Same login error, and I'm stranded listening to others communicate.

Friday Nov 27

I moved the washer to my kitchen, assembled my new (old) couch and placed in the counter-slash-bar. Both things kindly donated by my grandfather. With the headaches he gave me, he might as well contribute... plus, the furniture wasn't serving.

I went to a furniture shop to check for possibilities of getting me the bed I wanted. Only in January, though. For the moment, we keep as we are. Ceiling lamps may have to wait a while as well. We carried a lot of clothing and cutlery to the place, putting it in place will have to wait until we get the kitchen clean.

Weekend Nov 28 - 29

I had two friends over to help with the painting, and we managed to do some work and have some fun. Disassembling the old closet on my brother's new bedroom was particularly satisfying. On Sunday, I was back again: Mum found a way to skip work, we painted another room, we cleaned the kitchen, we got the dishes and glasses in place. Tired, cold and sleepy.

I hope we have enough money to get through it...

Updates the Size of France

As you may have noticed, I'm a month behind on updating my web log. Yeah. Usually, it doesn't happen, but November 2009 has been a pain in the nuts I do not have. I'm moving, work's odd, slow and boring, I'm nervous about what will happen with my old place, what will happen with my new place, cash issues again, hoping I'll have enough for everything... I'm hoping we'll come through, but it's an iffy and shaky hope.

Anyway, since I was tired, I took the eve to do a massive weekly log update. YouTube Wednesdays will have to wait another while, but I'll get to it... and reviews and ten articles will come later. Patience.

Cheers!

Weekly Log - 16 through 22

Monday Nov 16

A rainy, windy morning. I'm still trying to go through the Depeche Mode hangover: I can't hear properly, I can't move very well, and I lost my train pass.

I realized it was Monday when Mum woke me up hollering on the phone that I had to get €400 more to fully repay Pops and I had to do it now. I gathered my shit and off I go: withdrew the cash, did some grocery shopping, called Pops to pick up the cash. Pops seems to have the same impression of money I do: he picked up the bills and said it was just a bunch of stupid papers, only we couldn't live without it.

At the train station, I decided to take care of my pass. I didn't tell Mum I lost it. Why should I? It's my pass... Pops did let me keep some change from the amount I withdrew, so I'm in the clear to get a new one. During the next week, I should have the rental contract in hand. And once I do, I'll be changing the names on water and electricity. The painting begins... and I move. To my own place.

Tuesday Nov 17

Tuesday. Much to my protest, I got up and got to the bus. I'm having some trouble sleeping lately.

Nothing much to report about the day itself. The work's still slow, I get whole hours of complete, utter silence. After hours, I picked my pass, finally. The mess continues.

Wednesday Nov 18

Even slower... now I get a contact every hour. Gives me time to study the commercial campaigns. I don't know when I'm beginning with them, or if I will be.

Thursday Nov 19

My place is now officially mine. I have a five year contract in my pocket and the keys in hand. Now to get the water and electricity going and start carrying shit in. We've gotta be out by the end of the month. Ten days, give or take. Oh brother, will this be bad.

Work... is a snail at this point. Another quiz-slash-exercise about products. Me, the girls who got in a bit ago, and the ones who got in at the same time as me. It's a pain in the butt. I'm glad it's at least a pain in my butt I get paid for. With things as are, let it ache. At least until I get a better offer.

I'm starting to wonder how I'll fit my stuff inside the house... both how I'll organize it, where it'll fit and sit, and also how I'll carry it. See, Kid Bro threw the predicted tantrum and wants to keep the bigger room. My original plans for placing stuff went to Hell. And since he's keeping the room with the closet, I'll have to buy one for myself... when he does have a closet at this point and could as well keep it.

So, some of you might wonder... why did I give in to the room? And why, since we're at it, did I so easily accept the fact Kid Bro won't be helping much with the moving? Shouldn't I be shouting a lot? No. No, I shouldn't. See, what my brother just did, was give me time. I'll have to take care of the whole house on my own. If I have the smaller room, I have less to clean up. See... I'm not touching Kid Bro's bedroom with a ten foot pole! I'm not making his bed, I'm not cleaning, dusting or tidying up, I am not painting walls again, I'm not fixing anything. And frankly, I'm not moving furniture around from the moment I put it down! He doesn't wanna contribute in placing, carrying, cleaning, painting and decorating... well, too bad. I'll just have to do things my way... and the house is in my name, so... my will be done.

Friday Nov 20

I went to the water central, hoping to have the aforementioned up and running by this afternoon still. I lost my time... since the water's already on!

So... how come nobody noticed?

Because nobody opened a bloody tap, that's why! Whenever I think I wanted to open a tap to see how the water pressure was, and I didn't because they told me the house had no running water yet... I could've begun cleaning up a week ago...

One week ago. Crow I feel dumb.

Today is Friday, and this particular Friday shall be remembered as the day when Seion re-learned the meaning of the word "boredom". I finished my assignments at work in full by 14h53, which would be an hour away from break and about two and a half away from release... with absolutely jack to do, super told me to start looking about the products... which I already did. She told me to look at the commercial campaigns. Which I did as well on the course of the past week. Defeated, she told me to look around the place's inner website. So Seion started sailing with no wind around the website, in a sea of complete, relentless, absolute tedium for two hours, quickly finishing the few interesting pages... and then moving on to the fatally boring ones.

And I do mean fatally boring. I read the legislation procedures and protocols of the bank nearly end to end. By the time I was done, not even crow knows how my spleen didn't attempt to escape my body in hopes of salvation, killing me in the process. Alas, I am still alive and in full possession of rational thought. Or so I think. This is how I know I could've never been an attorney.

Anyway: my weekend began, I have a dinner party to attend, shit to do, people waiting for me. Let's move.

Weekend Nov 21 - 22

The dinner party was cool, running through a period of uncoolness in which due to a steep climb to reach the bars, Seion's stomach threw a tantrum and decided to stop working. This culminated in her throwing up on the street. Ah, the good old days.

Coolness returned with copious amounts of alcohol of various kinds, a climb down Lisbon for the boats and a lot of singing on the way. It was a nice weekend.

Weekly Log - 09 through 15

Monday Nov 09

I've begun picking colors for my walls and settled for white, pearl, papyrus and cherry red for Kid Bro's bedroom, since he requested a tone of red darker than mine is right now, and he hasn't taken fifteen minutes to check a color. It sticks as I do, then. My second quest has been to upgrade Ubuntu 8.04 to 9.04, without much success also. I can't burn a proper LiveCD, likely because my drive is fucked.

Work peaked at its slowest: I got four useful calls, and out of those, four surveys to a 100% hit ratio. For shame. It's a disappointment to the new girls auditing me, they're bored as Hell. Welcome to my Life.

Tour of the Universe draws ever nearer. I have a place to work in, and I know the first few months will be tricky, with Mum changing jobs and all. I got news a friend of mine has gotten a hold of a secure position at his company, so shit's actually starting to look up.

Here's to hoping it's not looking up because it's about to fall flat on its back.

Tuesday Nov 10

Mum got herself a dog. Yeah. Again. A dalmatian. She says she needs a dog to take along South and keep her company. It's all fine with me, but I doubt the value of a dalmatian as a guard dog, for instance. I do know it'll be a royal pain in the ass to keep the dog around. She's pretty big, eats a lot and well... shits a lot as well. The cats aren't exactly thrilled.

No big deal, I says to myself. The coming of a dog marks the point in which Mum is adamant about heading down under. By December 28th, she's out. I have about a month to leave the house, two to re-learn how to live by myself with Kid Bro.

Work's slow again. Same error in the program, so I can't do anything but look at walls. The contact list is at its end, I'm having a call every fifty minutes, give or take. I took the chance to study other products the bank has to offer, and noticed this: banks never deal with money. Banks deal in sums, values, amounts and credits, but never money, cash, dinero or kablinky. It's easy to see why they're not overly well-liked out there. People working in here seem to speak a different language from the common Joe.

By the end of my shift I was sent to e-Learning (since I was looking at the walls) and stood for about an hour and a half of stock market instructions. I can honestly state this was the most tedious hour and a half I ever had to live through.

Wednesday Nov 11

I forgot my train pass since I left home early to meet Mum at the coffee shop. I'm looking at another hour and a half's worth of stock market. I'm also looking at a slow day as surveys go - again. My MP3's headphones are in the fry, so no music. If I didn't know better, I'd think this was Monday. I even double checked it in the calendar by mid-morning.

I wanna start works on the new place as soon as possible. I need to buy paint and get to painting, buy cleaning products and get to cleaning. The faster I want to get this over with, the slowest it goes, it seems. Come on! I wanna move!

Slowest day yet on the job. No sales, no contacts, two hours of stock market bullshit. My following two hours were spent researching the answers for a quiz the super found to keep us busy.

Thursday Nov 12

Remember how my bank moved my Mum's account to far the fuck away? This morning I took a 2 hour journey to figure out what I'm gonna do about my old place and close my account once and for all. Plus 45 minutes waiting and a 10 minute sitting. Conclusion: house will be sold. And my issues with this particular bank are over. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

We were lucky not to get a speeding ticket on the way back. Mum put the pedal to the medal to get me to work in time. She hasn't driven a car in a while (we borrowed Pops', since, well, it's far the fuck away) so she's like a brat in the park when she gets behind the wheel these days.

Another "theme day" at work. I don't get these "theme day" things. I'm still deciding how I feel about them, since I never had anything that even slightly resembled this in past jobs. It's supposed to be a stress reliever, I realize, but I don't think I like it very much. All this having to look like I'm having a good time stresses me beyond belief. And it sort of messes up with my concentration.

Friday Nov 13

Oh crow. I expect the second coming of Murphy at any moment. I will know if this was a good day or not depending on wether or not I see the Four Horsemen waving at my window on their way to the nearest McDonald's. I expect the worst out of this day. It may come or not: Murphy has this habit of luring folks into a false sense of security. I left home quietly, I made my way to the bus and train on time... am I in the clear?

Then I got to work. Posters on the walls announcing what day this is. Black cat pictures. The number 13 spread a little bit everywhere. Stuff about Templars and the hebrew calendar. Do these people wanna die?! I should've brought a few flyers of the Most Serene Church to spread about!

I got €400 out of my account to pay Pops for the money he lent me on the down payment of the new house. They're not mine, of course. Mum asked her father for it. Once again, shit wasn't done as I wanted: I wanted to get some cash out of my own salary to make the down payment before I even began looking at places. It wasn't done, so I ended up owing. I handed her the cash and forgot about it. Frankly, Depeche Mode is in 24 hours and I'm looking forward to not being upset.

Weekend Nov 14 - 15

The night: November 14th, 2009.

The place: Pavilhão Atlântico.

The band: Depeche Mode.

The boo-hoo: Martin sang Home and fucked me up. Again.

The shits: I lost my pass during the concert.

Weekly Log - 02 through 08

Monday Nov 02

Monday begins with a seeing-eye dog barfing on the bus. Murphy announces its arrival swiftly and with style. I started getting a few more movies to watch and review: this blog was created with a purpose other than complaining (although that was the backup plan) and it's been a bitch to keep up with the last few months.

I have a thing or two to look forward to in November, namely, in 12 days, I have Depeche Mode's Tour of the Universe, and luckily, by the time I get home today, I have two new Batman comics and two more movies to watch. Avatar is popping in theaters soon as well... I have my doubts about Cameron's directing, but the trailer is interesting as interesting gets, so I'm willing to give it a shot. (let us, for the sake of the argument, ignore the rule that says that trailers lie.

I got to work, the program didn't like me anymore, so I went back to previous functions. I don't know what happened: it was working fine last Friday. Maybe I screwed up the computer terminal... if I did, however, I didn't notice. Swear to crow and all things holy.

I ended my day watching Mythbusters YouTube specials and trying to find torrents for some epic orchestral music. I went to bed late, and with plans to conquer Poland.

Tuesday Nov 03

Poland will have to wait, it seem, while I get to work and earn my day's pay. Going to bed after Mythbusters and Verdi isn't very healthy it seems. I have a feeling my night was populated with strange dreams. I did wake up with a feeling something wasn't overly right, at 8h20 in the morn. Which is even more unusual. I can't for the life of me recall the dreams.

Still have a hard-on holding strong for C4 explosives. A psychological hard-on, of course. The physiological kind would be weird.

Wednesday Nov 04

Ten days until Tour of the Universe. Very excited. You should always have something to look forward to: it helps keep the depressing thoughts at bay. Now let's get over this hump and rush forth to call it a week.

I have a few movies to watch now, and review... nothing new, I'm afraid. I finally got a version of Jacob's Ladder with a quality that doesn't blow the big one. I have Batman Begins, as well as the aforementioned The Dark Knight... I have The Machinist, which you should really watch if you haven't yet. And I'm giving some thought to American Psycho. The movie was bland, menthinks, compared to the book. The book is not only difficult to read at moments, but also much heavier than Hollywood made it. Coraline is also on my ranks. Now I need to gather up some good horror titles and start getting back on track. Easier typed than done.

My dreams remain weird. I have a recollection of, at some moment of the night, getting visions of people I know in a manner you'd expect in a David Lynch flick. I have a clear remembrance of seeing Mum walk into the room in a reverse motion (you know, filmed walking backwards and then running the tape backwards so it looks like she's walking straight), and in fast-forward. Spooky.

When they ask you how I finally cracked, feel free to show them this log.

Thursday Nov 05

I woke up slightly later than usual, although still on time, got out of bed and started getting ready for work. I got a call from a rental agent and marked a visit to a house for tomorrow morning. Mum finally decided it was better for me to move. Shit, really? I'll try to act like I hadn't seen it coming over a month ago.

That's a wrap for my attempt at buying the place. It was a great, resounding failure. In the process, we've lost money and had troubles and tribulations up the ass. Why did I even think things would get easy for me? Nothing comes easy. I swear, the next fucker who comes at me with positive thinking is getting something tossed at him.

At work, still in the regular, short survey. The problem with the program remains. I let hours slide by. My head's elsewhere - namely, preparations to move. The boxes, the heaby cleaning, painting walls, changing bills' names and addresses... and the Internet connections. And getting to know the new neighbors. And finding new resource areas. Gods, the moving! My eyes remain on the clock throughout the whole thing. I'm not sure I want to get out of here and go to a house I don't see as mine anymore.

Friday Nov 06

Well... I have a new place. Or I will, officially, tomorrow. And when I saw I have a new place, I mean I have a new place. Not Mum's place. My place. Moi. Me. I.

It's small, cheap and needs some serious work, but it's mine and I like it. Or at least, will be mine, if Murphy leaves me the fuck alone. It's a rental, but in five years, I'll have an option of buying it for a much lower prince than now. I confess I'm excited, I made a lot of plans on my way to the coffee shop after the visit: where I'm gonna place what, what color I'll paint the walls, what stays, what goes, putting up a bar and a gaming spot on the living room... very excited. And the best part: it's across the street from where I am now, so the moving will maybe, perhaps, probably be less rough.

I decided it's high time I got to it. I keep waiting and shit can get very, very ugly. Maybe this way I can jump free of some of the bullshit that's been eating at my head like battery acid. Now only one thing worries me.

Kid Bro.

I had agreed with him we'd see a few places... but this is by far the most affordable one I found, and it's in a location we both know already. I know I won't be able to afford a place where he wants me to get one. This is a five year contract, even if shit backfires, I will never lose the place as long as I'm working! The likeliness of backfire is very short! I actually think I can do something good in there!

... who am I kidding? He's gonna give me Hell.

Weekend Nov 07 - 08

Papers signed, she's mine!

Weekly Log - 26 through 01

Monday Oct 26

A foggy morning to cheer me up. Feels like walking down the street in Silent Hill! The people could be makeshift monsters. I'll have my complimentary 3-foot lead pipe now.

I went to bed early to little avail. It just had me rolling about for a couple hours, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. I had this galloping toothache, which reminds me I need to go to the dentist pronto, and have no cash to. Plus, I'm not exactly crazy about dentists... they and I have had a very strange relationship throughout the years. See, they're people with drills who get intimate with the inside of my mouth, and I have this habit of hurting back the people who hurt me.

I'm gonna try for a male dentist. That way, once I'm lying down on that hideous, medieval device of a chair, I can grab him where I know I'll get his attention, and make sure we're not gonna hurt each other. (this gag is older than me - I saw it on Cheers)

The general hour went back 60 minutes today. We do this to make the best of our daylight time (hence why it's called daylight savings time), which is a pity, really. I still say it would be awesome if we all had a healthier dose of nighttime in our waking period. But that's me. I suppose for most, the night's only useful for sleeping. Well, the asswipes who camp under my window ought to think it's an awesome time to talk about their girlfriends and their cars (not necessarily in this order) and the joy of being a douchebag.

The team chief found out we've been exchanging non work related e-mails amongst ourselves, we were swiftly told to cut it out. Let the boredom reign free!

Tuesday Oct 27

Paid my Internet bill, got some credit on my cellphone and then cringed at the amount of money I have left in the bank. If you think time flies, wait 'til you see the euro soar...

I was on e-Learning today, which means the first two hours of my shift were spent going through a massive document concerning safety in handling information, how to keep anything and everything classified as a secret that way, and protecting my work against them vicious Internet fiends. Fairly interesting, except for the parts when the program assumed I had been living under a rock for the past ten years and explained in detail what a "browser" is.

Wednesday Oct 28

I went to the bank this morning to pay my debt, close my account and get a document for my Mum. I managed the first, but not the other two. Once again proof that the bank makes it much easier for you to give than to receive. It seems my Mum is also on the account, so I can't close it without her signature, and they didn't let me get the document I was supposed to bring because, well, the document's not meant for me.

I'm glad I'm gonna close the account. It's about time. With Mum's debts, it's best if her name isn't anywhere near mine or my brother's. Her own debt may screw me over, and I do work at a bank now. I know they have ways of knowing if I owe anyone anything. Plus I'm up to here with that bank in particular. Account migration without permission, debts on a credit card nobody's picked up for almost a year, a lot of shady and stupid issues with the rent... I'm outta here as soon as I can. No use for three bank accounts anyway.

Mum hollered a lot about the document on the phone when I told her. Hollering which wasn't meant for me, but which I heard anyway. Common occurrence: when someone needs to shout around here, I am always somehow on the receiving end of the decibels. They yell at me first, to rehearse for the yelling with whomever they need to. Then when they meet whoever deserves the yelling, they are able to speak more calmly. Communication at my place was weird.

Brother, let me get to work... the faster I deal with the shift, the faster I get home, the faster I get my noise-proof headset on. I made an arrangement to have a beer with someone on the way, clear my head off all the bullshit.

Thursday Oct 29

Well, it looks like this is a day when Murphy is hellbent on fucking with me. I was seen polishing my nails on the job yesterday for about fifteen seconds. One of the nails was getting stuck on my shirt and upsetting me like Hell, so I polished it. But since I was seen (and I could swear to crow I know who it was) and the person who saw me had the decency and principle of complaining to my team chief instead of telling me not to do it. I got a behavioral warning.

Awesome. Just awesome. Like I've said many times before, there is a cow at every job, or a douchebag, and you just need to figure ot who it is. I found one of them out! You know: the kind who won't correct you, and instead reports your wrongful behavior to the super. The kind who will take not of what you do, and report it when you're doing the best. The kind who will smile at you with every teeth and stab you between the shoulderblades when you turn.

Then my last call was a refusal. A 29 minute refusal. No time to recover my hit ratio. Thank you, asshole. A simple "I have no interest in participating" would've sufficed, and taken about a minute to wrap up!

Because my last call took so long, the team chief ended up not giving me feedback I was supposed to get today. She wouldn't even tell me the grade - in fact, she complained I was too worried about the grade and not the indications in the back. And when I tried to explain it was just so I wouldn't be thinking about it for the rest of the weekend, she took the chance to scold me a little more. Thank you too. That's all I need right now. More stress.

I'm gonna stop trying to correct her about me when she's wrong. It's a waste of fuckin' time. She's obviously made up her mind about who I am and seemingly can predict my behavior as is, so, to Hell with wasting saliva on her. As long as she can't fire me, I can act up to her expectations for four hours a day.

I bought some beer and went home to drown down the day. I called Mum on the way and told her how my day had been, hoping to hear a nice voice in an otherwise shitty day. She scolded me again for wanting to learn the grade.

... Crank up the volume of my headset, open the beer and let the night slide in. I don't feel like hearing myself think.

Friday Oct 30

My plans for today: get my four hour shift out of the way. Go over anything and everything that might upset me. Get my ass to the mall. Buy some clothes, a couple supplies and booze. Go home. Drink beer. Become comatose to the world until next Monday. Hajime.

Upcoming movie Avatar has caught my attention, because sci-if is win. James Cameron directs it, possibly trying to make up for the fact Titanic was a huge flop (HA!), although I have a feeling I know the movie end to end from the trailer alone. Looks like The Last Samurai with spaceships and blue aliens.

Halloween reached the center. We had a "theme day" about it. I was also put in charge of a complicated survey, different from the ones I've been doing up until now. I wish I knew why. Maybe they like the way I speak. Maybe they wanna see how I can handle it. Maybe they felt like it, crow, who knows? The point is, I was allocated to other functions.

Left work and made for the mall. Tried some clothes on, but selection was poor, and I ended up not bringing anything back. Got my groceries, my daily dose of alcohol, went home, prepared to watch The Dark Knight once and for all, and started working on passing out. Have a nice weekend.

Weekend Oct 31 - 01

I wanted to head out for a Halloween party, but I have a birthday party. I ate, I drank, and when I started to want to cry, I figured it was time to go home. Booze isn't doing what it should. I usually keeps me in a good mood. Lately, I just wanna go down in tears every time I drink. What the fuck is wrong?

This weekend we seemingly had Samhain... no dead relatives came to visit me, not that I saw at least. Even if they did, I don't think they'd wanna stick around anyway. Ghosts make lousy drunks and my place is cold as a bitch.

YouTube Wednesday with Poles

Wow. Just... wow. Up until now I thought pole dancing was an eye sore when done by males, but this gentleman just convinced me otherwise.

Then again it might be the leather trousers. I love the leather trousers.

Weekly Log - 19 through 25

Monday Oct 19

Ah, Monday. What an endless pain in my read, recurring every week for the rest of my life and beyond. It's like turning an hourglass filled with bunny droppings, every seven days. A thorn with no rose. A cloud with no silver lining. A chocolate bread with shit instead. The Rickroll video uploaded instead of the latest episode of whatever it is you wanna watch (probably Naruto). Murphy's own way to troll you periodically.

Just when you start getting comfortable with the weekend, it's time to get your ass off the bed and your hide to work.

Tuesday Oct 20

And the bullshit continues: will we move, will we stay. I'm still putting my money on the moving. Seems highly unlikely they'll lower the rent enough for us to keep the place. Whatever gives me the less of a bother I'll take at this point. I'm sick of the issue.

We had a mega day at work - meaning, all the centre working on the same campaign, divided in teams and going for a given prize. The prize was a handbag (an ugly handbag), and my team was named Woody Allen (tsc, not even on purpose...). The theme was cinema, unfortunately it was selective cinema, so no David Cronenberg, no Quentin Tarantino...

Wednesday Oct 21

Let it rain! On my way to work, it started pouring like nobody's business!

Rain enhances my creativity, I think. I have a cunning plan (insert Baldrick impersonation here) to surprise my cousin for his birthday, by showing up at his house unannounced and troll the shit out of him. It's happning next Sunday and if it all goes according to plan, it will be a time of many lulz and an occasion for future "and hey remember that time when we....?" chats.

As for work... a woman yelled at me for nearly ten minutes today. I was finding it odd it wasn't happening, seeing as I know the telemarketing business well. Sometimes the best thing about my days is the weather and the fact that I don't need to live through them again. I image how Mario feels doing the same fuckin' Super Mario Bros. over and over, only to fall always on the same fuckin' pit...

Thursday Oct 22

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. The same piss-bad mood I kept for most of my previous week is creeping back into my bones. There was a migrain splitting my skull as soon as I got my head off the pillow. Coffee was weak. Forgot my jacket (but remembered to buy my pass, thank crow). Another asshole decided I was a good place to vent whatever the Hell is wrong with their life, so I got another screeching call. Didn't eat anything until dinner because I was in a hurry to get my ass wherever I wanted to go. Full trains, full buses, a motherfuckin' idiot driving the latter one back home. Get me off the street before I go absolute batshit.

The plan to surprise my cousin seems well on its way, though.

It's a good thing I write about my days. I live from Friday to Friday. The rest would be a complete blur if I wasn't keeping track of it. In fact...

Friday Oct 23

...If Friday was a man, I'd marry it in an instant.

But a man it isn't: my first call of the day was a refusal, which really set the tone for the rest of the work shift. I managed, at much cost, to recover from the blow. I think I sounded so pissed on the phone people didn't want to tell me they wouldn't do the survey, so they either did it, or hanged up in my face. The next time someone comes talk to me about the power of positive thinking, I'll positively rip their little hearts out!

After the shift was done and I had earned my paycheck (I got paid today, in fact), a co-workwe gave me a ride to the mall. I bought my cousin his birthday gift, ordered a couple books from me (taking advantage of the fact they're on sale, nobody's spending their cash on books these days) and had some chinese food for dinner. I had decided a few days ago that I didn't feel like remembering my name at 2 AM today. Mission accomplished: there was nobody to go out with, so I went out myself, bought a shitload of beer, took it home, made myself some snacks, popped that sucker open, and around midnight I might as well have been Inigo Montoya. Someone killed my father. They should prepare to die.

Weekend Oct 24 - 25

Operation Troll My Cousin didn't go as planned. And we were so close!!

But next time I get him. Happy birthday, guy. May Death get confused on the way to your house.

Weekly Log - 12 through 18

Monday Oct 12

You can party like there's no tomorrow, still you know the next day is Monday, and you've gotta get yourself to work. And even if you attempt to forsake your worries for the weekend (in which I failed horribly), come Monday they'll be here waiting for you like a congregation of evil grinning imps, set for a new fight. It's like a boxing episode of Looney Tunes: the round count is endless and the rules are being kept by a fuckin' rabbit. Gunnysacking? Fuck yes.

Mum changed her mind (happens very often now) and is telling me to fight for this house this time. I am all for it: I picked this place because I liked it. Not the area, but the house itself. Fuck the area: when I close my front door, the world outside disappears. The perspective of moving yet again and picking up all my shit to take it somewhere else is not a dear one, either. There may be a way, so let's do it. let's do anything. Just don't tell me to fuckin' wait: I've been waiting forever!

It seems too simple, you know? Where's the hidden dagger? I can't see one, but I know there must be one. Things are never simple for me. There has to be something else in this story...

Mum's stroll down to the South is still assured. She spends a good deal of time reminding me why: my grandparents are old, someone has to take care of them, someone has to take care of their business. They won't last for long. I've been hearing this rap for years: they won't last for long. I'm sorry if it's so hard to believe this time. They've yelled "wolf" often enough to discredit themselves.

Today I'm left with Pops.... another pain in my crack. Dinner went quietly. More and more I get the feeling my father is disappointed in himself, and that is dawns on him he has a 24 year old daughter he knows absolutely nothing about. I don't worry about it, though. When I stretched out my hand, he refused to take it. I'm sorry, but I'm 24, I have a job I need to excel at, a brother to keep, a house to find, debts to pay, shit to clean. It's not my place anymore to worry about that. I went, I ate, I made pleasant conversation, I came back home.

Ave, Monday. Those who are about to die salute you.

Tuesday Oct 13

I forgot my cellphone at home this morning. I also forgot to restock my bag with the usual pankiller and aspirin, and crow knows I need one or the other today. I think I'm getting a cold which manifests in the form of very annoying coughing. It's a pain in the ass, to be talking to a client and suddenly get tossed into a coughing fit. Nearly cost me a sale today.

I also got confirmation I'm gonna see Depeche Mode next month... a friend bought me a ticket (seriously Annie, you shouldn't have... thank you so much. I promise I won't mope around mid-concert and I won't be crying if they sing Home this time. This is one I want to enjoy to the fullest). Hot damn!

Wednesday Oct 14

Boy is the morning rotten when you're having a good snooze. You know I'm still thinking about that contact where I coughed? Especially because I've been keeping an eye out for better job offers, and the market gets uglier with each passing day. I advise anyone who fears Death to take a gander at the state of unemployment in this country, so they have something more tangible to fear.

Well, let's not be hasty. I never gained anything from showing my game and worrying about the bet. I'm still seeking offers, constantly in fact, but I plan to hold my seat with this gig for as long as it's humanly possible. I have to make sure nothing will stand between me and this job. I'm not taking days, I'm not taking chances, and whoever tries to fire me will have a very rotten time explaining to me the why. I'm not losing this one on my own accord.

In fact, today was one of those motherfucker days at work. I was about to hit record refusals. I hate people who decide, in mid call, they're too fuckin' important to answer a survey. I'm not sure anymore if it's the task that's ungrateful, if the people are ungrateful, or if more people should be ran over by buses. A comforting though is that the Universe is completely indifferent to us all, including people like this, and nobody is really that important. I hang on to it whenever my day's being shit.

Thursday Oct 15

Someone once suggested that this reality is another planet's Hell. I think it was Aldous Huxley, but I don't wanna lead you wrongly on that one. I've always seen Hell in a sort of different light. Punishment should fit the crime, we have all heard, but more importantly, punishment should fit the punished. Hell as most religions conceive it is a self-sufficient system: demons, fire, physical pain when you no longer have a physical body, and thanks to some Italian dude the Church didn't like all that much, some of the most creative things ever to haunt the imaginations of scholars and literature students everywhere.

Everyone loves a personalized service, and I don't think Hell is any different. If we believe popular wisdom, Death treats everyone the same, it's once you're past it that you go on to be treated as you deserve. It would be rather unfair that we were all punished the same. It can be torture for me to be skewered while I listen to Brazilian music, but someone who likes Brazilian music won't feel the same, right? And if we're talking about neverending powers and possibilities, I do think Hell should come at a more personal level. So how about a personal Hell, meant to keep you in fear, distress, pain and suffering for finite or infinite amounts of time?

A personal Hell. Can you imagine something as bad, or worse, than physical pain? Frustration? Guilt? Fear? How about sheer panic? Can you build your own personal Hell? I think we do.

Friday Oct 16

Slow day at work. I did manage to complete 21 sales - a personal record - by the end of the day. I have a feeling this isn't going to last: calls were flowing better than they usually do.

Murphy pretty much left me alone today (thank crow the bastard is busy fucking himself somewhere else), so it was slow and quiet. I spent my evening browsing the Internet for houses for rent. Whatever my situation is, I want to be ready for it: if I keep the place, I keep the place, and if I have to move, I want to know where beforehand.

Two places are for rent just across the street from where I currently am. One has all its divisions painted lime green (oh sweet Mustakrakish on a stick... the places people live in... wonder what they'll say about mine when I move...) and the other has no pictures, but it's pretty much the same building. I don't know - maybe a rental home is the best option. I'll be out in the street if they decide I am (with a period to move my shit elsewhere of course), but the price difference is astronomical. I saw places at half my current rent a month... and I'm still doubting I can keep this house anyway.

I ended up pretty depressed by day's end, bought some beer, fired up some punk rock and drank it. That about did it. I went to bed back to my normal, angry self.

Weekend Oct 17 - 18

Not much to do, no money to go out anyway. I stayed home and looked at the computer monitor. So many years and I still am amazed at the things I can conjure up on it. Got the word quota back in order - forgot to update the blog. I have a lot of shit do review, but I sometimes get a hard time reviewing it. In how many words can you review a real piece of shit? One: shit!

Youtube Wednesday with 'Avatar' trailer

Ladies and gentlemen, with this I would like to announce the next flick I'm watching in theater. Come join me!

Weekly Log - 05 through 11

Monday Oct 05

Today is a national holiday (Proclamation of the Republic), which means absolutely jack to me other than I don't have to go to work. It rained all day (finally!) and I got some shit done around the computer. Namely, clean up and organize files. Now to do the same to the rest of the bedroom...

A long weekend is always nice - it's a pity it isn't happening at the end of the week, instead of the beginning. All opinions say the party will be epic.

Tuesday Oct 06

In four days, I'm 24. I've been on the surface of this place for 24 years. I don't know if I should celebrate or barf.

They swapped me to the middle of the center, at work. I lost my place at the window, which is a really bad bitch. I'm not overly big on sunshine, but it was nice to have something else to look at other than the four walls of a cubicle. The view wasn't great, but the architecture is nice in this place. I finished Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow as well... it's a nice game, one of those that makes me thing about really getting a handheld.

Wednesday Oct 07

It rained all night - I love it, but I'm now worried we'll have rain for the mega birthday party. Still, it was nothing short of awesome, to lie down and listen to the rain fall. I missed it terribly. It's been years since I've seen genuine, 100% lousy fuckin' weather: rain falling, thunder roaring, lightning crashing... Lightning crashes, a new mother cries... Fall rules.

Thursday Oct 08

The human memory is something truly remarkable. Try as I might, and I did today, I cannot remember where I was ten years ago. There are a lot of things I can't remember, I realize, and which I am positive happened. I know I visited several places with my parents... the big greenhouse in Lisboa, the Aquarium, a dog show... and yet I hold absolutely no memories of such. Just like I can hardly remember my father taking any meals with me and my Mum. I remember him getting home, but not having meals. And I am positive that at some point, he must have taken a meal with us...

I was at Disneyland... and I remember my Mum being pissed for the whole trip, and being divided between wanting to have fun and not leaving her alone. I can't remember how I felt throughout my parents' divorce, although I recall most of it very clearly, and I reach the conclusion that I can't remember what I felt because I felt absolutely nothing. I can remember riding the bus to and from school with Iron Maiden on my walkman. I can recall every bedroom I ever slept in, but not what went on in the rest of the house. I can remember when my parents lived in different floors of the same house, and I would climb up and downstairs to try and be with both. I can recall being alone, and not wanting to go to that pit of horror and lies and despair I called a school. And having in mind how things turned out for me, my stay at that place becomes even darker in my memory. Teacher that inspired me... stories I heard... teenage moments of glory... some co-eds, some friends that disappeared (thank crow)... some more worthy to remember than others. I wonder where they're now... I hear a few of the girls have babies now, some are married... some have great jobs and most are engrossing the long lines of unemployment.

I can recall my first kiss. I wish I couldn't, because I know well how that shit turned out. Yes, that part should be blocked from my memory, but I know it won't. I can recall most of my disappointments, the lessons Life taught me over and over... and the bullshit. Oh brother, can I recall the bullshit. It comes to my memory like kitty litter to my nostrils on a hot day. I remember hatred, and rage, and frustration... I know frustration pretty well. Despair. Depression. Not those many tears.

It's been almost ten years since I gave my life a good cry.

Friday Oct 09

Happy birthday Madeen!

I woke up with half an hour for the bus and two problems: my father and my mother. Mum was bitching Pops wouldn't give her any money, and Pops called me to try and agree a lunch date. We ended up settling for dinner on Monday. My bus driver was apparently high since he spent half the trip sucking on his teeth and then stopped in the middle of traffic to pick up a wrench forgotten by the side of the road. Work was slow, few sales, not looking so good. By the time I picked up Jandeku at the train station, I was about to murder someone with my own hands.

Madeen and I agreed we wouldn't get upset until the 11th... good luck with that bub. Because even when I try to lock all the bullshit in the closet, it can somehow pick locks!

Weekend Oct 10 - 11

What a party... sangria, good music, a delicious cake, a great bar, drunken talk and football at the park where I used to play when I was a kid. Forget about forsaking everything until the 11th: I quit midway. All the things nibbling at my brain won't let go of me just like that... I must have ulcers the size of crow only knows what.

Still no news about my situation: do I keep the house, am I out on the street... and if I must get a new one, will I rent or buy... can I keep this job for long enough, will a better offer turn up... the waiting is killing me. I want to rip all this apart like a band-aid, quick and easy, and I cannot. I have to wait. The waiting can kill you, boy can it kill you.

1985

I was born October 10th, 1985. Here are some fun facts about this year.

- USA for Africa was formed in January of 1985, and We Are the World hit top charts for weeks on a row. Several Live Aid concerts around the USA to fight hunger in Ethiopia.
- Guns N' Roses was formed as a band in 1985, as well as Radiohead.
- A comprehensive analysis of the top albums of 1985 shows people were listening to pretty good shit in the year I was born. Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen was on high, shoulder to shoulder with the Dire Straits, Price and the Revolution and Phil Collins... and this.
- Uzumaki Naruto, from Naruto, shares his birthday with me - believe it!
- For those of you who love mecha, Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam made its debut on Japanese TV in 1985 as well, and ran all through to 1986.
- Cinema in 1985 also had its shining moments. Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, Day of the Dead, King Solomon's Mines, The Jewel of the Nile, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Red Sonja, Runaway Train all came out in 1985 and I would recommend every one of them.
- Yul Brynner died in 1985... and if you didn't grow up with cowboy movies, this means nothing to you, but he was one of The Magnificient Seven.
- Amadeus wins the Academy Award - pretty good flick, though historically inaccurate.
- In 1985 Nintendo was on the run, Super Mario Brothers having been released on September of this year, the NES coming to international knowledge. Atari was still on the race but losing it fast for the NES, and Commodore had just released the Amiga computer.
- Everyone is bouncing back from the videogame crash of 1983 - games are getting popular again by now, thank crow.
- A few good books also saw their release in 1985. Namely, Isaac Asimov published Robots and Empire, Clive Barker spawned The Damnation Game and Stephen King leaked The Skeleton Crew. The Dunwich Horror and At the Mountains of Madness and Other Novels, both by H.P. Lovecraft, were also published in the same year.
- In 1985 Marvel is doing crossovers like crazy. One of the joined pairs is Wolverine and the Fantastic Four. The clawed canuck was also put against Dazzler the very same year, a combination most Marvel fans claim to be hideous and barf-inducing.
- The Wolverine and Kitty Pryde miniseries, however, is running at this time, prettily in fact. Ogun is still alive and Wolverine wants his head (do check it out, it's rather interesting...)
- Several comics for several previously mentioned teams paralel to the X-Men began in the 1980's - Alpha Flight has its own airing time in 1985, but groups such as Excalibur, X-Factor and the New Mutants begin in the same decade. Psylocke, Forge and Rogue join the X-Men officially.
- Nobody gives a shit for Batman in 1985 - sales hit an all-time low, after which the hero is revised from the Adam West-esque thing it started off as, to the dark hero we know today.
- Mikhail Gorbachev becomes de facto leader of the Soviet Union in this year.
- Worldwide testing for AIDS is approved, once and for all, to try and gain a better control of the disease.
- This is also the year of the New Coke (or rather, Coca-Cola as we know it, since the formula was altered, for the dismay of many).
- The Unabomber makes the news in May by blowing up a lot of shit.
- First airing of the Discovery channel: June 17, 1985 - although we're still far from series like Mythbusters and Dirty Jobs.
- 40th birthday of the nuke that sent Hiroshima to the Moon.
- The comic strip Calvin and Hobbes debuts in November 18 of this year.
- Tetris is also created in 1985, for the delight of many, myself included just 6 years ahead.
- Graphic novel Watchmen is set in 1985 as well - an alternative 1985, but still...
- The world counts 4.830.919.000 inhabitants at this point. The actual count is almost twice as much.
- Some people also born in 1985: porno actress Eva Angelina, actress Keira Knightley, soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo. I could make a thousand jokes from these three names alone.
- 1985 in other calendars: 2529 in the Buddhist calendar; 4621 in the Chinese calendar; 1405 in the Islamic calendar; Showa 60 in the Japanese calendar; 5745 in the Hebrew calendar; 473385600 - 504921599 in Unix time; MCMLXXXV for Romans.
- In chinese astrology, this is a Yin Wood year. Wood is associated with the liver in Chinese medicine, the East, Springtime, the planet Jupiter and the color green. Those born in it are under the sign of the Ox. Their motto is "I Persevere".

Weekly Log - 28 through 04

Monday Sept 28

Preparations for our own Oktoberfest begin. All points that it's gonna be one motherfuckin' great party. It occurred to me that next year, something happens... something some of you describe as "cute" and some of you describe as "spooky", and which I frankly like to refer to as "cooky" for a lack of a better term that encompasses both things without mentioning Tim Burton. I will be 25 (which as you'll recall is 1/4 of a century), on the 10th day of October (the 10th month) of 2010... I don't know about you, but when so many numbers start dropping together and matching, I get the the massive giggling heebie-jeebies.

Tuesday Sept 29

Sales-wise, this was my worst day yet. Not overly worried here. It's not a matter of positive thinking, it's a matter of not wanting to care on my free time, when I can do absolutely jack about it.

I find they value a lot of things in this job that I do not have, and thus must find a way to fake if I am to keep working. Positive thinking and speaking are two. I've been a realist, with a good sympathy for pessimists, all my life, and the way my life wobbles along the long tightrope of Time, I have no inclinations otherwise. Hope for the best? Maybe. Expect the worst? Of course. That's how I've been walking the tightrope with my head up high for so long: if I get what I'm thinking I'll get, I was expecting it already, so the blow is softened. If I get something better, I'm pleasantly surprised.

Let's see, what else... smiling. They want us all to smile a lot, smile while we're on the phone, smile while we're talking to the boss, smile when talking to co-workers and be polite and agreeable. I can be all that yeah - at the end of the day, my cheeks hurt from all the uncalled smiling. I don't smile easily, and you can tell when I'm faking one just because. On the other hand, when I laugh... I really fuckin' laugh. 'Til I nearly piss myself. Social smiling is probably the most painful kind... you know it as "yellow smile". Yeah. It's rather creepy too huh.

Enjoying new challenges? Depends if the challenge depends on me alone or on sheer fuckin' chance. I don't get overly thrilled by new goals, no: I'm working at an area I generally dislike, the more complicated it gets, the more irritating and less enjoyful it becomes. I like challenge, yeah, but in shit I like doing in the first place.

Contacting with the public? Are you kidding me? I'd kill for a back office job. For having to put up with one boss and a few supervisors instead of one boss, a few supervisors and half the population on this country.

Keep smiling in the face of refuse? Oh that I can do. Especially when I picture the rudest clients getting ran over by a bus filled with foreigners taking pictures as soon as they hang up the phone.

Fairly good lying and acting skills - my best assets ever on finding jobs. "Be yourself and people will like you" - greatest lie ever told.

Wednesday Sept 30

It's nothing short of amazing what my luck does to can me, or what lengths does Murphy carry himself to when it comes to screwing up an otherwise peaceful day. I got the strangest calls today: guys with stutters, guys with impenetrable accents, guys who told me shit that happen 30 years ago when the West was young.

And when I got home, I got a taste of my own medicine - door to door salesman trying to get me to buy something. Please, dude, they taught me the same techniques. Try that on someone who doesn't know you're full of it.

Thursday Oct 01

October is my favorite month. Or used to be. It has nothing to do with my birthday happening in October. I liked it because it used to be the peak of Fall. Rain falling, lightning crashing, thunder roaring, leaves everywhere. Freezing days. Fog. Colds. All my best and favorite clothes were Fall clothes. Riding a train in Fall used to be awesome. Teenagers who got dumber over Summer were all regaining some of their gray mass.

But now, October (and Fall) are just some other ugly, indistinguishable time of a given year. When I was a kid, we learned to tell seasons by coloring items and symbols that represented each: flowers in Spring, fruits in Summer, leaves in Fall, rain in Winter. I wonder how nowadays' kids learn to tell the bloody seasons... then it dawned on me: upcoming comedies tell them. "This Fall, Jack Black and Will Ferrel star in some retarded shit you'll pay € 5 to see whether you like it or not."

Friday Oct 02

It's Friday, I have some cash, and you know what it means. Show me the way to the next whiskey bar and make no questions about it. I attended Allied Friday, dragged some of the guys off to the bar, we drank, we laughed, we drove in circles on the roundabouts and ended up eating fast food in some joint somewhere near the industrial park of my area.

Weekend Oct 03 - 04

Like every good weekend, this was spent doing nothing. Watching episodes of old series and movies with Meryl Streep (Sophie's Choice and Kramer vs. Kramer). And thinking of new and inventive ways to summon Cthulhu into my bathtub, since I have nothing better to do. I still think a dark symbol on a dripping faucet and a series of incantations pronounced from atop the can might do it. Worse comes to worst, at least the neighbors and I will get rid of cockroaches.

YouTube Wednesday with AMVs

By far one of the best AMVs I've seen out there. It's good enough to make Shinji actually look like a man! The song is Gong by JAM, the anime is (of course) Neon Genesis Evangelion and the whole thing was made by FakerEMIYA. Enjoy!

Weekly Log - 21 through 27

Monday Sept 21

How does He do it?

Monday. I got to the subway station, none of my tickets was any good. One of the machines ate my coins and didn't give me a passage. I've been flashing in and out of conscious thought all day, thinking time is passing at times too slowly and at times too fast. Too late did I notice my mp3's battery was in the fry. I almost got ran over on my walk to work from the subway.

Communicating began today (finally!) and for day one, it went fairly well. More ticket troubles occurred on my way back. I stood for the whole trip back, too.

When I got home, I discovered that the strange switch in Mum's head, which causes her to think that going South to live with my grandparents is a good idea, has been flipped once again. Checking for what triggered the flip, I found out Grandpa gave her some spare cash, and then called, saying he's too old to hold on for another year. You know why he did this? Because he knows it fuckin' works! It's basic guilt trip, and after it's been done so many times, I thought she would be a master at dodging it!

Now she's got her head set on going South once more, thinking that's how she'll solve all of our troubles. This time, however, I'm not doing jack squat. I waste saliva reminding her that he'll stop paying by the third month, she keeps making the same mistake over and over. It's high time I let go of the issue. She's 45, she should know what she's doing, and she's been through this before. If she wants to go again, by all means do so with my goddamn blessing. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Thank you, Murphy. Go fuck yourself, you hideous, miserable slob.

Tuesday Sept 22

I got up in a murderous mood. No time to play Manhunt 2, though. It's a great frustration outlet, to pick up a virtual shovel and virtually slam it straight into some virtual asshole's virtual face, taking his virtual life. Level 3 is my favorite - you can smack a guy with a porcelain toilet tank lid, and pile corpses as far up as you want to, since there's a respawn area. I've had the space underneath the stairs filled with corpses, on my last save. Very relaxing.

I did play it when I got home, though. I got a particularly irritating client on the phone today, and on my way back home, some idiot decided this was a good day to delay the bus. Today was mobility day in Lisboa, so you could ride the subway train for free, as well as some buses and the electric car. The Margem Sul bus companies, however, did not join in on this fun. This unicelular organism of some sort entered the bus, stated he would not pay because this is mobility day and the driver should inform himself. The driver, plus twelve women inside the vehicle including myself, explained that we were riding a bus from a private company which did not subscribe to mobility day. What did the asshole do? Sat down, refused to leave and said he wouldn't pay anyway because, quote, "you don't need to pay for buses today". The driver turned the engine off and opened the newspaper.

Oh, to have a fuckin' shovel...

Twelve women inside the bus yelled at the amoeba in the back, long and loud enough that he eventually said he would go to the ATM and pay for a ticket in whatever currency we wanted, because, quote, "I have euros, I have dollars, I have whatever you want". Your absence is the only thing we want from you, brother. As soon as he got his ass out of the bus, the driver started the engine and we were on our merry way. Good fuckin' riddance. I hope the next bus ran him over.

Wednesday Sept 23

I'm gonna go see The Cult in concert this Friday. Shaar got me a free ticket, so thank him lots. I sweat that for the first few days, I made an unpardonable mix-up between The Cult and The Gift... which didn't very much bother me. I like both, the first more than the latter. And they have nothing whatsoever in common...

Thursday Sept 24

Well, great. I woke up to my Mum tossing clothes on me so she could sit down at the desk to use the PC. Then shouting on the phone for a quarter hour. This got me right in the mood for what followed, when I got up, checked my messages and discovered this guy I know went to the bar and asked stuff about my birthday party... when I specifically told him not to, because I wanted to be the one to do it. How the fuck do you get 'Sure, go ahead, it's fine!' from 'No, leave it, I want to do it.' Maybe all this time I've been speaking fuckin' swahili and didn't know.

Seion, what the fuck's happening to you? You promised yourself not to take any unnecessary bullshit. How is it possible you're suddenly taking so much of it? Had this happened a year or so ago you'd have gotten at the subject with bottles and chains, what's with the passive-aggressive crap? Wake up and smell the coffee, girl.

Friday Sept 25

The Cult, Love Tour. Coliseu packed full of people. Hardly any space for an opinion. That's exactly how I like it: there was no room for another soul, even at the balcony.

We were at the audience, though, Shaar and me. We stood in the same area as the hardcore fans, which is the best place to be when watching a show. Even when you start getting tired, their enthusiasm keeps you going on itself. My two problems were that I brought too big a bag for the occasion, and that the opening band didn't show up, thus taking an extra hour for the band to enter the stage.

The worry for my belongings faded away as the show began, and the band began delivering the Love album. This means She Sells Sanctuary, Phoenix, Black Angel and Rain were featured live and in the flesh. Which is precisely what I wanted to listen. We even had some funny moments, when the frontman tossed his bells over to the crowd, and a fight broke over who would keep them. Then he tried to toss a second set for the left wing balconies and missed three times.

Leaving the show, we hit the bars, with some friends joining in to the fun. I went home at the end of the night, made myself some chow and went to bed with a sore throat, a stiff neck and a pair of destroyed legs. Totally worth it.

Weekend Sept 26 - 27

I hit the bar again for an hour or so on Saturday, to ask for some information on the huge birthday celebration. With everything agreed, and other than that, my weekend was pretty regular. I had an odd dream on Sunday. A frightfully real dream. I dreamed I woke up at 6 o'clock PM on Monday, having completely missed my shift at the job. Then I ran outside my room and asked my Mum why she hadn't awaken me, and she said I had it coming because I never woke up on time. I remember in the dream I spent several minutes wondering if I should call my supervisor or not... I then dreamed I woke up at 1 PM on Tuesday and, being late already, I called my supervisor. In the dream, I tried to make up an excuse but I couldn't think of anything. She informed me over the phone I might as well not show up, since I was fired.

Then I woke up, realized it was early Sunday, and cursed my own head for playing this sort of prank on me, since I woke up thinking it was actually Monday and I was late.

Ten (Useless) Items for Sale on Catalog

From time to time, I get a catalog at home. As I recall, I once bought an item from it, a book holder for those times when I had to type on the computer while researching. For school essays, it came in handy. Ever since I bought it, though (around 2002 in fact) I get the same catalog every month on the mail. And while some of their offers are very useful and cool... some are just stupid. Here's ten of those.

#10 - Dishtowel hangers
So you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, washing your dishes from the night's (or last night's) TV dinner. You get a dishtowel fresh from the drawer, dry up your plates, put them in the cupboard and consider your chores done. But wait: you now have in your hands a wet, cold, mushy dishtowel! Whatever shall you do with it? Fear not: just buy these dishtowel hangers, pinch one end on your towel, hang the other from wherever you want, and go about your business. Not only will your dishtowel be dry and ready to use when you come back instead of festering bacteria on the counter, but you'll never have to look for it ever again, since it's gonna be hanging from wherever you left it. And it's all possible thanks to this convenient little object!

First off, stop being a wuss. It's a dishtowel. It's meant to become wet and stay on the kitchen counter endlessly - or at least until you have to dry off some more plates. If you don't get some bacteria in your system, your white globes will get their ass kicked when the time comes to fight off the really serious shit. For eons before anyone ever heard of bacteria, dishtowels and kitchen rags hanged on a counter until they pretty much disintegrated, and the descendants of all those people who used them are still here.

Second point would be that unless you are one of those people who would rather have dents in your drawers instead of handles, you already have a place to hang the bloody thing to dry. In fact, if your kitchen doors or windows have knobs and handles, you have a place to hang them on. At the limit, hang the bloody thing along your clothes for a couple hours.

Third point... why do you want this? It's twelve for a €7.90, go down to your local Chinese store, you get five wall hooks (you know, the sort you can stick on the kitchen tiles? Or anywhere else by the matter?) for 80 cents. Even if you bring ten of them, you're still getting a better deal without waiting up to three weeks. After all, none of us wants you to sweat nervously, looking at your dishtowel lying next to the sink, gathering enough bacteria to kill the whole of the civilized world!

#09 - Banana case
When I was a kid, we had these little half-circle shaped lunch boxes, made out of plastic. You could easily fit a regular sandwich, a piece of fruit and a small pack of juice in them. Nowadays, snacks and lunches seem to have diminished considerably, often consisting of fruit. And what better fruit to eat on break than a banana? After all, it's got fiber, it's got sugar, and it comes in a yellow-tastic color. Unfortunately, bananas are also regarded as one of those fruits which are very easy to squish. So what? Do you take a full lunch box just for a banana - one that hides its yellowness to boot? No! You give away € 6.90 of your cash to buy a transparent banana-shaped case! Problem solved!

My problem with it? None whatsoever... other than the fact you're giving cash for something you probably already own, just because it's yellow and snugly fits your banana. And speaking of snugly fitting your banana, let's get one thing straight... would you actually pull this out of your suitcase, backpack or purse without the slightest hint of embarrassment, giggling or self-consciousness, in front of co-workers, co-eds or about anyone waiting at the bus stop? If so, leave a comment to receive Seion's Diploma of Absolute Nonchalance... or Seion's Certificate of Being Full of It, mark your option.

#08 - Mock security camera and car alarm
So you want some safety measure for your house or car, but you think most security systems out there are just too pricey - especially when you know that there are few chances of your house or car getting robbed. Because, you know, those things only happen to other people. For prices as accessible as € 16.90 (mock security camera) and € 7.90 (fake car alarm), you too can purchase a mock security system for your possessions. Both gadgets resemble the real thing in every detail... except of course they don't record or howl in case you're getting robbed. Still, thieves will think twice before trying to break into your home or vehicle, right?

Wrong.

See, there is a reason why there are so many videos of people breaking and entering. Because security cameras filmed them. Most thieves own caps and are willing to give away fifty or sixty cents for a Halloween mask to hide their identity, so they have no problem going in to rob places with cams. Some of them don't even give that much of a shit and just stroll in with their face showing. Of course, these people are usually caught, since they're on cam... unless you did purchase a fake cam instead of the real deal. Now not only did you get robbed with few chances of police catching the perp, since there's no way to identify him... you also have a piece of metal and plastic hanging outside your house that cost you 17 euros and is absolutely fuckin' useless.

The same goes for your car. So you have a light blinking inside - if some guys can get away with deactivating real alarms, the only thing your fake can hope to achieve is paralyzing them with laughter until the police arrives. Get real. Most thieves don't want to keep or resell your car. They just want to borrow it for a joyride as far away as its gas tank takes them. They couldn't give less of a hoot if the car has an alarm or not: they'll just take it. So just pay for the damn real security system, and spare yourself the embarrassment of explaining to the cops why your alarm didn't go off or why they can't see the tape from that camera.

#07 - No-splatter cover for electric mixer
"Tired of bothersome splatters leaping in all directions when you're mixing eggs, cream or others? Here's the solution! This cover is open on one side and has a central hole so that you can slide in your mixer and thus protect your kitchen counter from splatter!" This, folks, is an almost literal translation of the text describing the item. This, folks, is also one of the most sissified kitchen utensils I have ever seen.

What this does, basically, is cover up your mixer in a lid so splatters cannot get out. It's like using a mixer through a plastic lid. Now, if you ever worked a mixer, you know some techniques should be observed. Like using a deep bowl and not lifting your mixer too far up from whatever it is you're mixing. If you respect the latter, of course, you get next to no splatters. A mixer cover is basically the stupid, lazy, unobservant, € 7.90 costing way to do things. Besides, the way they put it in the ad, they make it sound like you're enough of a klutz to get half your batter all over the walls and ceiling in huge splatters! Remember that wet dishtowel you didn't know where to hang? Well use that!

#06 - USB mini vacuum cleaner
Stop reading this and take a long look at your desk. I'll wait. Back yet? Okay; see all those crumbs, dust bunnies, and the hideous grease marks between the keyboard keys? Aren't you ashamed? And wouldn't it be great if there was a simple way to vacuum all that dirt away while sitting comfortably? Well, couch potato, now there is! The mini vacuum can be connected to any standard USB entry on your computer and works just like the big ones! With just a few pushes of your fingers, you can vacuum away all the dirt on your desk, as well as clean your monitor and get those difficult stains in between the keys with the special brush accessory! And you can do all this for a mere € 16.90!

When I was a kid, an interim aunt of mine (I say interim since she was only my aunt for a year or so - then she got divorced from my uncle, and I never saw her again) gave me a mini shovel and pan for Christmas. When I asked what it was for, she told me it was to sweep the crumbs on my desk. It's funny, because before I had this wonderful utensil, I used to clear them crumbs away with a wet cloth like most human beings out there. It was just one more thing to take up space on the aforementioned desk, and had next to no usage since I had a faster and less stupid-looking way to do it in the first place. This mini vacuum, however, takes the cake as stupid and useless goes. It's about the size of a cigarette pack. Tell me you wouldn't feel stupid hooking that thing up to your computer and pushing it across your desk with two fingers.

Plus, here's yet another thing you're gonna hook up to your CPU, so it can consume unnecessary electricity, take up a USB entry and do something that is absolutely useless! Plus, you're telling me you're paying for it? This is the sort of thing you don't pay for. This is one of those objects that your friends clearly identify as a present from someone who thought it was "cute". Like a relative who doesn't know much about you, or that friend who thinks he's wacky and unpredictable. You want to pay 17 euros for the pleasure of pushing a miniature vacuum across the desk? Grow up, get off your ass and fetch your wet dishtowel.

#05 - Scarecrow stripe
Bird are a pleasure to many. And a nuisance to many others. See, birds have this habit of shitting wherever they stop. If it's a place you don't want them to shit on, well... you need to get them away. For € 7.90, you can purchase a roll of metallic, foil-like stripe. Tie it to your balcony, porch, windowsil or tree limbs, and the noise they make will scare away birds easily! Plus with the light reflecting on them, birds will surely not come back!

Now the only question is: do you want your porch to look like you tied pieces of tin foil to it? Because... this is what it is. It's a roll of super-resistant tin foil.

You know what else scares birds away? The lack of food. Stop feeding the damn things, and they'll probably go elsewhere in seeking nourishment. Still think the tin foil is a good idea? How about one of those sprays they sell at the Chinese store for € 2? The sort that spooks away dogs from the furniture... there's a bird version, you know? Still think the tin foil is a good idea? Alright: wax your porch. If you wax it, the birds can't get a good hold of it. Wait, you still think the tin foil is a good idea? Well... it is your business if you want to have a house that looks like it's been protected against alien brainwaves. Before you do buy a roll of ultra-resistant tin foil, consider this... duct tape. It's silvery, it comes in a roll, it does the same bloody light-reflecting effect!

Ah. Don't forget this as well: birds are also capable of flyby attacks. Enjoy your shit-covered scarecrow stripes.

#04 - Shoe remover
One of the worst moments of my days is getting home. It's not the getting home per se, actually, but the whole process between coming out from the street, and getting comfortable at home. One of the main things needed to achieve this effect is removing my shoes as fast as possible. So I usually sit down, cross legs, remove my left shoe, and then switch legs and remove my right shoe. It's a simple process that takes me less than a minute, even with my boots. Isn't that horrible? All that bending, and leg-switching, and pulling and huffing, and it takes so long! How can I achieve my comfort faster? In comes the shoe remover!

The shoe remover is a plastic piece that allows you to put pressure on one side with your right foot, and use the fork on the other side to remove the left shoe! Afterwards, you can stand on it with your left foot, and easily remove the right shoe! No bending, no huffing, no leg-crossing or switching, and it's all done in a matter of seconds! It's a bargain too, at € 7.90 (which seems to be the favorite price of this particular catalog...) a piece!

Again: grow up. Can you actually take off your shoes with this piece of crap? Or would you end up losing your balance and having to bend over anyway to take your shoes off? Because seriously, I can see this working with simple flats... try a hefty pair of boots or your favorite sneakers. I mean, even as simple flats are concerned, you can remove them easily without bending... by kicking them off of your heels! I'm looking at it and I can tell you the best result you'll have is a hurt heel and a shoe half off, which still needs to be removed manually! Plus, what will you do for sneakers or straps? You still have to bend, sit or stand on one leg to get them untied. While you're down there, remove the fuckin' shoe!! What use is a shoe remover that only works with one or two types of shoe? Stop being lazy. You don't do much exercize as is. Bending over to take your shoes off is the closest you ever get to a sit-up, don't ruin that!

Now, I did consider one thing. Maybe this is meant for the elderly. They are, after all, the age group with the most problems in bending down and getting rid of their shoes. Then it dawned on me... making an elderly person take off his shoes with this is cruel and unusual punishment. Unless he was leaning on a wall, he wouldn't have much leverage to remove a difficult to take off shoe. Again: he'd end up losing his balance and dropping down, maybe hurt his ankle on this thing. Overall, it's a bad fuckin' idea. Everyone takes their shoes off in less than a minute. And if you don't, you're wearing the wrong ones. Keep your € 7.90 and save a bit more for a proper pair.

#03 - Front seat back cover
You have a car, you want to keep it clean. Especially the seats. A lot of your daily life can interfere with your intents, however. Particularly in two main groups: dogs, and kids. Taking your dog to the vet in the car is an adventure in itself. You may want to purchase a seat cover where your best friend can ride, puke, piss, shit and shed at will. But that's cool. It's a dog. It can't tell you it wants to piss or puke. It can't help shedding. A seat cover is in hand.

Someone picked this idea and decided to apply it to kids as well. The front seat back cover is a plastic cover that is easily applied to the back of your front seats. Your kids can place their feet up now as often as they want: there is no way in Hell they'll get anything dirty! Plus, it's washable, so you can get rid of dust and dirt tracked by the little angel's little feet right onto it. It's also 2 units for € 6.90, well that's really a steal!

You know what else is a steal? Not buying this and forcing your kids to stay quiet when they ride your car. I can understand the concept of wanting to cover whatever it is your kid has to come in contact with. There are things kids don't care for. Like muddy shoes on your front seat's back. And let's face it, it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of shouting to convince your little bundle from Heaven to take his damn feet off your damn seat. It's easier to just buy the covers. The ad itself states that "(...) it is useless to tell kids to keep their feet off your seats (...)". Huh... no it's not. Because when my Pops told me to keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats, I'd keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats. Or ultimately, take off my shoes. Plus, you're only solving a part of this problem. Your seats aren't dirty anymore, but you back is still wrecked from the kicking your little angel does to the front seat. So what do you do? You scold him. If you're gonna scold him for kicking, take the chance to scold him about getting his feet where they're not supposed to be. And you just saved yourself € 6.90. Aren't you proud?

#02 - The fulminator
Have a problem with flies or mosquitos? Tired of all those flies around the kitty litter or trash bin? Fear not: the fulminator is here! This device is shaped like a tennis racket, which you can use to catch those bugs. The net emits a very low electric current, which fulminates your flies and mosquitos without bloodshed, without getting your walls dirty, and without the use of polluent chemicals. It works on two batteries and it can be yours now for € 9.90!

Now... the most sadistic among us will be thrilled with this thing. After all, they can now buzz their bugs to death, instead of just spraying them and watching them die. You and I, however, live in the world of reason and were born and raised in the 80's and early 90's, by parents who lived in the 60's and 70's. We know how you get rid of flies and mosquitos. With a newspaper. Or a fly swatter. It's in the goddamn name! Fly swatter! It's there to swat flies with! An electrified tennis racket? Get outta here!

Now three groups may argue this racket has advantages. The animal rights people, housewives and ambientalists. And I'm here to tell them all they're a bunch of horse's patooties.

Your animal rights folk will tell me this is a more humane way to get rid of flies, of course, since it's instant, and the poor thing doesn't suffer. To them, I say the following: the more humane way to get rid of flies out of them all, is to catch them one by one in your hands, and letting them go outside your window, keeping it closed no matter how hot the day is, so that they can't come back in. But you're not gonna do that, are you? Of course not, because it's a fuckin' waste of time. Plus, swatting is just as effective. At least when it's me swatting. I can assure you, never a fly realized what had hit it. Usually, it was a flyer from IKEA. There. Just saved you ten euros you can instead give to some worthy cause.

Housewives, however, don't want their walls dirty with fly remains. Remember that wet dishtowel? Go get it and get any remains cleaned. Not happy? Well, it's a matter of method, then. Kill your flies with a newspaper, and use that very newspaper to wipe out their remains. Easy, ain't it? Just saved you ten euros, ma'am, I'm happy to be of assistance.

Then come the ambientalists. By now, they've realized they can't complain of my method. Fly swatters will last you a lifetime unless you break them, and newspapers can be recycled with or without fly guts all over the prime minister's face. Plus, batteries are some of the harder to track pollutants out there. I just saved the planet, plus ten euros you can use to fund Greenpeace or buy Al Gore's DVD.

#01 - Sudoku toilet paper
The king of useless catalog bullshit. A regular roll of toilet paper, with a sudoku puzzle printed on every sheet. € 5.50 buys you a pack, and... why am I even trying with this one? Any asshole can see it's useless... literally! The ad's suggestion is that instead of taking a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom, you can take a pen and start solving the sudoku puzzle printed on the paper you'll be wiping your ass with in no time... first and foremost, if you can write on a single sheet of regular toilet paper, you're now my hero. Congratulations. Pick your complimentary tighs at the exit. And if you can wipe your ass with toilet paper you just spread ink all over of with a clear conscience, kudos to you, you're an idiot. Folks, it's toilet paper. It's bad enough they do them in all colors of the apeshit spectrum. I really love the color black, and I don't buy black toilet paper or napkins, because I realize it's a waste of fuckin' cash since they're twice as expensive as the regular ones! Nobody loves sudoku puzzles this much! And if you're spending enough time in the can to solve a sudoku puzzle on your toilet paper, open a browser window, access Google, and look up hemorroids!

Sudoku toilet paper... I just can't get over it. You can acess sudoku generators online! Plus it's a waste of perfectly good puzzles, unless you can wipe your ass with just a sheet of toilet paper! It's a waste of good paper, good ink, good time and good shit. Seriously. If you see sudoku toilet paper at someone's house, there are two possible reasons why it's there. Either that person has some serious bowel movement issues, or they're clearly obsessed with numbers. Either way, you're at the home of one serious asswipe. I mean it: breathe slowly, don't make any sudden moves, and make your way outside as fast as you can.