28 January 2009
YouTube Wednesday: Going Slightly Mad
...no comments.
When the outside temperature rises
And the meaning is oh so clear
One thousand and one yellow daffodils
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear
Are they trying to tell you something
You're missing that one final screw
You're simply not in the pink my dear
To be honest you haven't got a clue
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - ooh oh
It finally happened
I'm slightly mad
Oh dear
I'm one card short of a full deck
I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
I'm not my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever
I'm really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think I'm a banana tree
Oh dear
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - uh huh
It finally happened
I'm slightly mad
Oh dear
Ooh ooh ah ah
Ooh ooh ah ah
I'm knitting with only one needle
Unraveling fast its true
I'm driving only three wheels these days
But my dear how about you
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened - oh yes
It finally happened
I'm slightly mad
Just very slightly mad
And there you have it...
26 January 2009
Weekly Log - 19 through 25
Monday Jan 19
Urgh. Mondays. I swear everything and its dog is waiting for me on the many corners of this town on Mondays. There must be a switch somewhere, with a label marked "Fuck It", somewhere in Murphy's domains, and he flips it every Monday of the month to fuck everyone up. I nearly missed the train today because it was impossible to get inside. The train wasn't crowded or anything of the sort, but everyone inside gathered at the doors because that's where the ticket machine is. So these wankers, instead of getting inside and then worrying about validating their ride after the doors close, keep two or three people out because they won't move their bloody ass, even if there are more machines further down the corridor. Don't you sometimes wish for an alien-like collective brain or something?Then opening the doors was a new and exciting (not) challenge because some stupid girl was leaning against the only post in the carriage that opens the door. I looked at her, and she looked at me, and smiled, even though I probably had the facial expression of someone capable of jumping at her throat. I said "excuse me", she tilted her head. I had to pull her off the crow-damned post to press the button, and she looked at it and then the door opening as if I had just performed a miracle.
At work. Nothing to do. I've been reading some documents on accounting in order to understand what the Hell is going on with this garage. Because apparently nobody does: the accountant says A, my Mum says B, and Pops just asks Y. My mp3 was on strike for most of the morning, which I thought was due to a low battery charge. I spent the whole morning in stupor and silence, and then it miraculously started to work again near lunchtime. Just to mock me, it was playing Ramones singing I Wanna Be Sedated. Lunch was a soccer infomercial with some grilled fish on the side, and I was sent home for the afternoon on accounts that there was nothing to do.
So I went home, where Grandma refuses to move like the doctor said she should, and first broke the thermos she keeps aside the bed because she didn't want to lean off the pillows to fetch it, and later had me run a series of errands while complaining that "this shirt isn't mine", "I can't sleep" (no shit, join the band) and "why don't I just die". The elevator was wrecked again, and while doing the two-story climb up to my house, I thought to myself I ain't paying condo expenses this month and I dare the super to come ask for the cash. I sat for a good while on the stairway in front of my door, smoking and texting some friends. I'm in no rush to get inside my house.
Then I heard my uncle opening the door of the building and humming through the bike helmet. Which sorta pissed me off. See I kinda came home because... s'pposedly there was nobody in to stay in my place. While work is boring, it's just slightly better than home right now. So I went inside, Grandma was asleep, I made a straight for my room and pretended I wasn't in.
Tuesday Jan 20
I now understand why I couldn't have become a nurse even if I wanted to. I lack the necessary dead brain cell quota. A male nurse dropped by to take a look at Grandma (again, I was home to open the door because nobody else was, and I missed a morning's work because instead of dropping by at 8 or 9, the asshole rang my doorbell at midday). I opened the door for him and told him it was the room at the end of the corridor, on the left. He nodded, walked midway and turned back to me. I said again: at the end, on the left. And I effin' pointed left. He stops between my room and the room where Grandma is, turned to mine and asked me if I could please walk in first. My bedroom is on the right side of the corridor.
Wednesday Jan 21
Let me sum up my day in a simple sentence: someone please shoot me. Everyone is deaf and dumb in a hundred feet radius from my couch and I'm trying to pick everything together, frankly I grow tired. Mum said again she didn't care to put up with Pops and so I am the one at the head of the train there. She also said she didn't give a damn about the late electricity bill, so I'm the one worrying about that too. And I was already warned tomorrow I'm staying home, because there's nobody else to look after Grandma. Translation: tomorrow will be a diaper-changing, medicine-sorting, fucked-up day. On a pack a day and a bottle every other, I am the amazing Gnawing Girl. Thursday Jan 22
Money was missing from my wallet this morning. I have a feeling Kid Bro is in serious need of a yelling to. It's not enough that I don't go out and he does every other day, and that he plain refuses to put up with his share of the bullshit we're living through and is granted the wish, now he also takes cash away from me? Well, let's see: I'm sure I didn't lose it because the wallet pocket was zipped up, sure I didn't spend it because I was saving it for Friday's eating and caffeine needs, Grandma sure as Hell didn't get out of her bed to take it, uncle has way more than me and Mum hasn't even come close to this bedroom for weeks. And bingo was his name-o: Kid Bro told me he took some cash off my wallet when he got home. Of course I was angry at him. I would still have some cash with me and probably wouldn't bother so much, but I had to use it to pay the effin' bills. So I'm sorry if I am making a scene over one or two euro. Let him do as we are all doing now, and stop going to the movies every week. That way, he keeps some cash, and so do I!
Friday Jan 23
Two people had a birthday today. One was a dear friend who turned 23, the other was my cousin's mother who turned 50. Unfortunately I couldn't attend both, and I was booked for my cousin's Mum's dinner party for a week now. Mum was also booked to go, but something came up at the last minute, so it was only me and Kid Bro. I had fun, though. Although he kept mauling most Portuguese rock songs I actually like, the singer could be excused, the food was good, they had excellent wine and the company was sweet. I also have a plan for the weekend. Which is really sweet.Weekend Jan 24-25
Well this was an eventful weekend for a change. No refugee stuff. My Saturday night was spent somewhere around Alfama, watching a band called One Vision play. They're a tribute band to Queen and they were great. The crowd was too still, however. Bunch o' snobs wouldn't cheer that band for the world. So we at the table decided we'd have to do the cheering for everyone in the room: we sang along, we clapped, we yelled, we made catcalls at the lead singer. The guy brought the mic to our table twice for us to sing choruses! Then as the night rolled onto an end, we moved to the back of the table area and started pulling the concert moves. By the last encore, the vocalist came to sing among us. Show all those people what an effin' concert is supposed to be like!Then Sunday was spent replaying Onimusha Dawn of Dreams, which is grand, and while not anything like the second game in my humble opinion, very worth a replay.
21 January 2009
The Most Serene Church of Murphy
I have great news: I am starting my own church. Jehova Witnesses and the Mormon did it, so can I. It's gonna be called The Most Serene Church of Murphy, and it's gonna revolutionize religious cult as it was previously known. I just need a garage, warehouse or basement, a pulp and a few people half as crazy as me and just as angry to become followers. The premise will be simple: this is not a church which asks its deity for mercy, salvation or aid. In The Most Serene Church of Murphy, we know very well it's no use doing so, because Murphy is a bastard, and the point of a having a cult to Him is merely helping people into accepting His existance, His activity and teaching them when they should revolt and when they should up the white flag.
We can have aid groups for Murphy Doing Overtime Mondays, and hold special masses in the thirteenth of the month. Otherwise, service will be presential, in the Church, between 5 PM and 7 PM Fridays, so they can watch it, eat something and hit the bars. Believers can sit on old couches, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and jack, and listen to others testify (AKA complain). On occasion, the leader of the church -yours truly- will do sermons about ill luck, bad jojo and inherent pessimism. The Holy Book will be no longer than 5 chapters: who has the time to read more anyway? It will be composed of the Book of Boredom, the Book of Annoyance, the Book of Desolation, the Book of Ill Luck and Revelations (which will basically be a rundown of all things unlucky and several possible interpretations for Murphy's signs of disgrace).
Instead of the wine and bread, we'll have coffee and cookies. And our Commandments will go likeso:
1. Thou shalt not ignore Murphy. Murphy in all His Grace cannot, and will not, be ignored.
2. Though shalt not make offerings or ask for mercy, aid and strenght from Murphy, for Murphy not only refuses these things, but also in His Annoying Greatness, smites thee in return.
3. Thou shalt refrain from cursing Murphy outside service, for His vengeance is swift and terrible.
4. Thou shalt fear the Unholy Monday, and all days of the year which are numbered 13. For these are accursed days in which anything can happen and everything does happen.
5. Thou shalt not hope for better days to come, because they don't, and when they do, they foretell worse ones ahead.
6. Thou shalt not harm thy neighbor. Unless he has it coming. Murphy does a pretty good job fuckin' up everyone's day, He doesn't need any help.
7. Thou shalt endure. Thou shalt not sit down and feel miserable and sorry for thyself, thou shalt get off thy lazy ass and go to work or school like the rest of us.
8. Thou shalt not become emo and write some of the most horrible poetry known to Man at times when Murphy concentrates His Most Desolating Activity on thee.
9. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. (in memoriam George Carlin, 1937 – 2008)
10. Thou shalt laugh in the face of disaster, and it shalt be known you have finally gone insane.
I actually think this can go somewhere.
We can have aid groups for Murphy Doing Overtime Mondays, and hold special masses in the thirteenth of the month. Otherwise, service will be presential, in the Church, between 5 PM and 7 PM Fridays, so they can watch it, eat something and hit the bars. Believers can sit on old couches, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and jack, and listen to others testify (AKA complain). On occasion, the leader of the church -yours truly- will do sermons about ill luck, bad jojo and inherent pessimism. The Holy Book will be no longer than 5 chapters: who has the time to read more anyway? It will be composed of the Book of Boredom, the Book of Annoyance, the Book of Desolation, the Book of Ill Luck and Revelations (which will basically be a rundown of all things unlucky and several possible interpretations for Murphy's signs of disgrace).
Instead of the wine and bread, we'll have coffee and cookies. And our Commandments will go likeso:
1. Thou shalt not ignore Murphy. Murphy in all His Grace cannot, and will not, be ignored.
2. Though shalt not make offerings or ask for mercy, aid and strenght from Murphy, for Murphy not only refuses these things, but also in His Annoying Greatness, smites thee in return.
3. Thou shalt refrain from cursing Murphy outside service, for His vengeance is swift and terrible.
4. Thou shalt fear the Unholy Monday, and all days of the year which are numbered 13. For these are accursed days in which anything can happen and everything does happen.
5. Thou shalt not hope for better days to come, because they don't, and when they do, they foretell worse ones ahead.
6. Thou shalt not harm thy neighbor. Unless he has it coming. Murphy does a pretty good job fuckin' up everyone's day, He doesn't need any help.
7. Thou shalt endure. Thou shalt not sit down and feel miserable and sorry for thyself, thou shalt get off thy lazy ass and go to work or school like the rest of us.
8. Thou shalt not become emo and write some of the most horrible poetry known to Man at times when Murphy concentrates His Most Desolating Activity on thee.
9. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. (in memoriam George Carlin, 1937 – 2008)
10. Thou shalt laugh in the face of disaster, and it shalt be known you have finally gone insane.
I actually think this can go somewhere.
19 January 2009
Weekly Log - 12 through 18
Monday Jan 12
Got to work early as a fuck because I didn't sleep all that much. I think it was the first and only time I got here before Pops - half past seven in the AM. Spend my day struggling with a program Pops needs installed in the PC, but which doesn't wanna install. My 1337 skillz, aren't.Got the rest of my salary back, so I lost the lunch hour again to hit the bank. Internet and water bills paid, now to make for the electricity and to eat for the rest of the month. I don't think this was what Aerosmith meant when they sang Livin' on the Edge, but it sure feels like it.
Tuesday Jan 13
Crow. I can't believe this day. It was the thirteenth alright - if it wasn't, it'd have had to happen on a Monday. Murphy sure keeps his shit well planned.Grandma had an appointment today, my uncle was supposed to go along her in the ambulance. My job here was to wait for him to arrive and skedaddle to work after he did. By nine he was nowhere to be found. I made a frail attempt to take Grandma to the can because she asked me to, one which failed horribly and ended up in an ugly mess to clean, not entering a lot into detail. Meanwhile the ambulance got here to take her to the hospital. I went for her paperwork, fetched my jacket, called Pops to tell something came up and Mum to let her know her brother is a bastard, and prepared myself to get on this ride. While the firemen got Grandma into the chair and I cleaned up the bathroom as quickly as possible, uncle dearest finally arrived and said he didn't know my Mum was working early today. Shit, genius, you have a cellphone. Call and flippin' ask!
They went on, and I finished the cleanup, picked up my shit and walked out. I stopped at the corner coffee shop for a shot of caffeine, when uncle called again (oh now you know how to use the phone?!), saying he didn't have the key to my place, so I'd have to wait for him to come back before going to work. I asked him why he didn't tell me that before, I'd have given him my key and went on to my day. He said he thought he had it. Top notch.
From this story I ended up learning something I didn't like. There are people who have keys to my house when we didn't give it to them. The only person who had a spare key to my place was my aunt. Now my uncle and Grandpa have one as well. I do not recall this being discussed, and Grandpa admitted to having made a copy from my aunt. Who the fuck owns this place after all?!
They got back by three, so I missed work. As a bonus, I think Mum was kinda dissed that I was in bed when she got home. I was in bed because basically I was freezing and hardly got any sleep last night. Frankly, these people irritate the crow outta me sometimes...
Wednesday Jan 14
With two nights of hardly any sleep, I was dead tired when I got home. Made me some chow and fell asleep on the floor, at the PC.Thursday Jan 15
It was raining heavily this morning. Like, pouring. Like, the street in front of my building is flooded because I live in a place where idiots still toss their garbage to the ground, clogging up sewer exits. To add insult to injury, it was raining inside the office when I got to work. There's a leak right next to the electricity box, so I'm assuming any moment could be my last.Mum got me out of there so we could go shop. Grandpa sheepishly gave her some cash, saying that, after all, Grandma is under our care and it's unfair we get all the expenses. I wasn't around when this happened, because frankly, it wouldn't have gone unanswered. Four years ago, when she was struggling with breast cancer, we DID take all the expenses. And I think it'd only be fair if her retirement pension went into the fund to buy the stuff she needs: diapers, medicine, specific food... it's not twenty or thirty euros now and then that will safeway it.
At any rate, since there was jack to do at the office, I went home to help with the shopping. Mum prefers that I do it because I'll stick to the list and she tends to buy extras. She said she's gonna give me her credit card -she spends way more than I do. I feel like I'm helping someone quit smoking by holding their cigarettes hostage.
Friday Jan 16
Allow me to tell you, in a few selected words, how my day was. Annoying. Shitty. Crappy. Desolating. Depressing. Overwhelming. Boring. Tiresome. Troublesome. Irritating. Hideous. Awful. Horrible. Smelly. You get the general idea.Weekend Jan 17-18
I'm really becoming a refugee. Not only from a psychological point of view, now it's also pictorial. It's cold, so I'm keeping an old blanket on myself at all times. And now I'm keeping a thermos of hot coffee next to me. I've entertained the idea of finding a secondhand mini fridge to keep beer, so I don't need to go out for it. And I'm counting smokes to try not to go over my head with the nicotine, and to keep the same pack for as long as possible... among the download updates we have the rest of Transmetropolitan (last 5 numbers) and a better version of Open Office. I'm so tired of it I'm considering re-downloading Abiword for text edition.
16 January 2009
You may call me...
Sudo! A Shady Scrap of a Sentient Scoundrel, Severed from this Scenery I be! A Somber, Sick and Solitary Señorita, Seasoned with Savoir-faire on Sloth, Sarcasm, Secrets and the Sort. Selling Services Solo to Serpentine Sluts and Sleazy Simpletons with Savvy, Snatching Saturdays and Sundays for Slumber, Shooting Starters in the Showbiz. A Shadow of my Sharper Self, now Surrounded by Shit, yet Summoning Strength from Surreal Sources. Sir! I have no Shelter or Seat in the System! Surely, I Should be Sedated, but Silent I Stand not, I Shout! Serene but Sure, not Surely Sober, Sometimes Sappy, Shining Silver by the Sun! Should you be Shocked, I Shall Spell! You may call me...
SEION
SEION
14 January 2009
YouTube Wednesday with Unicorns
Going back to the issue I was typing about the other day, on obscure cartoons, I found this little gem while browsing for cartoon intros to add to the Top Ten. I recall having this one recorded on some obscure tape, right after Terminator 2. It was the sort of stuff Mum taped from TV for me to watch when I was a kid. Must've seen this a thousand times before the tape got either lost or destroyed - read the book, too. As I recall the cartoon was done beautifully, had excellent English voice acting (Mia Farrow did the Unicorn and Christopher Lee voiced an evil old king, which would be significative of the kind of parts they like to this guy) and soundtrack almost entirely by America. On doing a little browsing I found out the cartoon was made in 1982 and highly acclaimed for being an amazingly mature kids' cartoon, to the point where a lot of adults were instantly fans.
12 January 2009
Weekly Log - 5 through 11
Monday Jan 05
Is it cold as a bitch today, or what? Weather forecast (which is never right enough to be reliable and never wrong enough to be ignored) claims we'll be hitting single-digit temperatures to below zero before the end of the week. Hello, ice age.For all those who say I'm a pessimist, I got up today fully energized and ready to rumble. I got crap from the first moment. Went to take a shower and there was no hot water. Tried to find some clothes to go to work, but my Winter stuff needs renewal and I'm out of cash, so I ended up piling 2 or 3 layers of clothing on me. Got out of the house, went to work and according to orders from my Mum, told Pops to pay me. He did - half the salary. And spent the rest of the morning lecturing me about spending money carelessly. Right... he has dinner out every night. I would too, if I had no rent to pay and next to no expenses with other family members.
During the morning, I was locked in mortal c(k)ombat with the flippin' fax machine. For some reason that surpasses me, electronic devices like messing with me. Much like the printer back in my previous job and my brother's computer back home. Eventually, I won, and the bitch finally pulled the paper. It's hard to find one as stubborn as me when it comes to machinery. I used my lunch hour to hit the bank. The line reached the door and there was a guy next to me who kept stroking an imaginary dick (if I had to guess, I'd say Parkinson's), which while not his fault, didn't do squat to improve my day. My fingers were very slowly turning to popsicles, but I managed to get the rent up to date. Back to work to bore and freeze in turns. At shift's end took the chance to have a beer along with a friend whose Monday sucked too.
Damn you, Murphy. Damn you to Hell.
Tuesday Jan 06
Late for work. Why? Didn't get a wink of sleep. I'm sleeping right next to Grandma's bedroom, so whenever she's agitated, I get no rest either. No rest for the wicked, they say. I must've been a grade-A bitch on my past life. The shit I did on this one doesn't account for the amount of crap Murphy sends me. If I was to believe in karma, and The Secret and all that baloney, I'd be miserable. But I believe in Murphy, so I don't really expect shit to get much better. It's just a matter of seeing exactly how bad it can get.At the end of the shift, I ended up messing the trains and had to walk my way back. I don't know how it happened, since I'm sure I got into the right train. Some Twilight Zone-ish mess up has to have happened. I was positive I was in the right train. All the best to keep my patience up for the rest of the day...
Wednesday Jan 07
In bed. Have a bad cold. And I mean a bad one. The sort of cold that grabs you by the nostrils, spits on your jacket, calls its homies to kick your ass and then breaks into dance like in West Side Story. I called Pops to tell him I was ill and spent most of the day slumbering and sipping chicken soup and hot coffee. It's times like these I'm happy I share my house with a cat: he sleeps on my legs. The price to pay is the cutting of bloodstream from time to time, but nothing a nice kick won't solve. Mum says she used to do the same with Pops when she wanted him to stop snoring. Thursday Jan 08
Slightly better, went out to buy some supplies. On my way, I bought a pill box for Gradma's medication at the corner Chinese store. They've screwed her dose so often I'm surprised she hasn't had a stroke yet. Maybe this way they won't need to call me up whenever it's time for her to have her pill cocktail. Apparently nobody knows how to read in this side of the family. You'd think "one after breakfast" would be clear enough, but seemingly, we need to draw a reference chart. Or do like in hospitals and separate all the pills beforehand. A five year old could operate the pill box, and a five year old can distinguish between meals and days of the week. There is no way in crow they can mix it up now.Friday Jan 09
Pops called me in the morning, listened to my voice and told me to stay home. Which tells me there isn't a lot to do at the office and I must be sounding like the victim of a horrible accident. My aunt dropped by, my uncle too, both took off early enough for me not to have to do much talking. My aunt somehow managed to fuck up my Grandma's pills too. After an epic facepalm I had to remind her of basic object interaction with the pill box. As for the uncle, he complained he couldn't identify half the contents in our fridge (which confirms my theory he's stupid). Then later on, guess what - a nurse dropped by to check on Grandma. She had to ask me how to use the pill box as well. Oh yeah. A licensed nurse. Asked me for instructions on how to operate a pill box from the corner Chinese store. Which, by the way, is not in Chinese, or even English. It's in full-fledged Portuguese and Braille.
How are these people alive past the age of 30, I wonder? Goes to show that no matter how wise and intelligent you are, it is possible you're still dumb as bread.
Weekend Jan 10-11
The cold's slightly better - at least I'm not looking at anything that could be considered a small nation every time I blow my nose. Dropped down a glass of jack followed by warm milk - that should kill everything still in here, or my liver, whatever happens first.
Another refugee weekend. Nothing dragged me out of this bedroom but my bladder and the need for chow. I spent time chatting, doing some campaign planning, and playing flash games online (some of which, I suspect, I am dangerously addicted to. Which is kinda sad, seeing as I'm 23 and... well, let's leave it at that).
Download updates were poor this week: I got me a few numbers of Poison Elves, which I had already, but got corrupted on the swap from Windows to Linux. I have the three seasons of Nanoha about to drop by (while I usually hate magical girls with all the strenght in my being, they say these deliver a nice kickass, so I'm willing to try) and Shinobido waiting to be recorded due to the lack of DVDs.
Another refugee weekend. Nothing dragged me out of this bedroom but my bladder and the need for chow. I spent time chatting, doing some campaign planning, and playing flash games online (some of which, I suspect, I am dangerously addicted to. Which is kinda sad, seeing as I'm 23 and... well, let's leave it at that).
Download updates were poor this week: I got me a few numbers of Poison Elves, which I had already, but got corrupted on the swap from Windows to Linux. I have the three seasons of Nanoha about to drop by (while I usually hate magical girls with all the strenght in my being, they say these deliver a nice kickass, so I'm willing to try) and Shinobido waiting to be recorded due to the lack of DVDs.
9 January 2009
Ten Cartoons Nobody Remembers
Nowadays, a lot of people still recall Thundercats. And with the recent movie adaptation, a lot of now adults rediscovered their preteen love for the Tranformers. And of course, you had to be living under a rock back in the day not to know the Turtles. A lot of cartoons from our childhood, or even much older than us, became legendary, and are a reference to this day. If you don't believe it, try asking anyone about Looney Toons. Or those you can't help but bump once in a while because they keep showing up in collectible DVDs, like Heidi. But there are some obscure cartoons, especially during the 80's, hardly anyone heard about. Some were aired on TV, some you only saw for rent... but the fact is, you know it, and nobody else did. So here's a rundown of cartoons from my childhood hardly anyone remembers.
#10 - Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling
Well... if you moved in the same time, space and channels as I did, you had to bump into this at some point. I was surprised hardly anybody else I spoke to recalled this stuff. The formula was simple: WWF (back then that was the name) aired at ten in the morning weeks with a double feature on weekends, and Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling was on during the weeks, after school, right before Sailor Moon. The premise was simple: wrestlers getting into all manners of cartoony shenanigans, with a "good guy" side and a "bad guy" side, and skits where the real wrestlers showed up to entertain the kids and get a whole generation of us to follow the sport-slash-soap opera later on. Some of the wrestlers were so obscure, nobody knew them from anywhere but the cartoon. We all know who Hulk Hogan is, we all heard of Rowdy Roddy Piper (who by the way got a big boost to popularity due to the cartoon. After it was aired, a hardly recognized guy in a kilt had become a major WWF superstar), we all know more or less who André the Giant was. But who in crow ever heard of Hillbilly Jim or Mr. Fuji outside the cartoon?
This was created in 1985, and I came to watch it sometime during the 90's. Pretty good for a cartoon about wrestlers, huh? And I'll give it something: it had the catchiest intro I've seen in a long time.
Why wasn't it so popular? If you were a kid and liked wrestling, you likely saw it. If you were a kid and didn't like wrestling, you'd probably not like it. Either way, the cartoon fulfilled its goal: twenty years later, a whole generation of us follows Smackdown, Raw, ECW and others.
#9 - Rainbow Brite
Oh boy, Rainbow Brite. A cartoon for girls too young to find Jem amusing, and who were sick and tired of My Little Pony. Born a year before me, 1984, it was... weird. All I recall from Rainbow Brite is bits of an hour-long motion picture of sorts, I may have seen an episode of it or another, since the gross of it wasn't aired, and instead existed for rent. The motion picture did air a year or two, as a Sunday all-family movie, and that's when my Mum recorded it for me because I was a sucker for cartoons. Rainbow Brite was to colors and poor grammar what Strawberry Shortcake was to desserts.
Basically, it tells the story of a magic land a la Narnia, which is where all the colors of the world come from, and the people in charge of putting them there: the Color Kids, and Rainbow Brite herself. The rest is catering to young girls: there's a horse (with a huge ego, might I add: Starlite calls himself "the most magnificient horse in the Universe". Oh did I mention the bastard talks too?), some fluffy little buggers called sprites, all manners of cutesy stuff, every character has a huge head for its tiny body (and even bigger 'dos) and there's enough rainbows and stars on the show to provide the Gay Pride parade with decorations for years to come. If you still don't think this was made with girls in mind, check out those kids. There's one for each color of the rainbow, which makes sense, plus pink. PLUS pink. And there are only two boys. I guess Rainbow Brite is the reason why I couldn't stand girly stuff for most of my childhood: I OD'd on it after 15 minutes of this.
While not very many people remember her, likely because nobody over eight or nine watched this and I'm pushing it, Rainbow Brite seems to be insanely popular as a toy. In 2004, Rainbow Brite dolls and accessories were still being produced, sold and making a lot of kablinki. But there may be an ulterior reason for that. Get ready for this punchline: guess which company introduced and made publicity for Rainbow Brite. Here's a hint: if you ever got a Christmas card, they likely printed it. Yep. Hallmark.
#8 - Beetlejuice
You may not remember the cartoon, but maybe the movie rings a bell. 1988, a horror of nature spawned forth by Tim Burton (who else...?), Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis were the most sickeningly perfect dead couple you'll see, Michael Keaton liked striped suits and Winona Ryder was a goth? Yeah. While I don't know how popular exactly the movie was back then, the cartoon was made a year after its release. Since it was distributed by Warner Bros., you'd think it'd be a little more popular. And since it was actually aired in Portugal, I was expecting more people to remember it. I was a sucker for it myself.
The main story of the movie is maintained, although downgraded for kids. Instead of a horny, treacherous bastard, Beetlejuice is a prankster and the Netherworld's pet con artist. And Lydia is not so much a goth, as an upbeat, smiley and popular girl who happens to like goth stuff. The humor, however, was a lot better than the movie's. I've checked an episode recently and it actually can be enjoyed on an adult level (that, or I really need to get out more). If you like groan-worthy puns (Beetlejuice says he's tired, and turns into a tire) and dumb references (like a tapdancing spider named Ginger being a reference for Ginger Rogers), you got yourself a show.
#7 - Spiderman and His Amazing Friends
Yeah, I know. Sounds so bad, doesn't it? It's like one of those Friday night shows. You imagine Spidey sitting on a couch, sipping coffee with special guests Hulk (fitness advice: how gamma can work for you) and the Invisible Woman (who promises to bare it all), while keeping the Green Goblin on line 2. On the comedy skit, Deadpool. Musical guest: Kaiser Chiefs. Brr.
This was probably the only Spiderman series nobody gave a damn about, and after I tell you how it went, you'll understand why. Apparently, producers decided Spiderman alone couldn't attract much of a crowd, so they grouped him with two co-heroes: Iceman (whom you may remember as a member of X-Men), and a girl called Firestar who bears a striking resemblance to Mary Jane (on doing some research, I discovered she was originally a Emma Frost goon, having made a debut in Uncanny X-Men and later becoming a member of the New Warriors and the Avengers. Don't Marvel heroes sometimes remind you of soccer players? Talk about jumping around between teams). And get this: other than Spidey's usual foes, they also placed Dr. Doom in the mix (scratch the thing about soccer players up there, they look like TV stars more: changing shows and working on two channels at the same time). As if this wasn't enough, other heroes also made cameos in the show: Captain America, Iron Man, the X-Men themselves in their 70's formation, the Hulk, Thor... well it does look like a Friday night show now, doesn't it?
The story behind all this cooky mess is that Spidey (mild-mannered teen Peter Parker) teamed up with the other two at some occasion to defeat a supervillain. Since it worked out okay, they decided to remain a team, called (wait for it...) Spider-Friends (*groan*), up to a point where they all lived in Aunt May's house, which for the purpose of superhero HQ became a Batcave of sorts: you pulled a hidden trigger and computers came out of the walls.
Made in 1981, the series ran for three seasons in the States. We in Europe only got to it via video, dubbed in Brazilian Portuguese for added horror. The series was eventually turned into a comic (usually, it's the other way around) which wasn't so popular and suffered several event changes in order to more or less fit into the Marvel Universe timeline (this happened in the 80's, when Marvel still gave a rat's patoot about putting up a logical timeline. Sometime during the posterior decade, someone at their offices just said "fuck it", and this is how we have the messed up timeline comic book geeks like me are familiar with). Eventually, Stan Lee and the rest of the Marvel people realized Spidey was better left to his devices on his own, and this melting pot was canceled and forgotten.
#6 -Skeleton Warriors
Apart from myself and two other blokes, I don't know anyone who watched this. And one of the aforementioned blokes only got into it, because I told him to turn on his TV at the right time. Skeleton Warriors was riding the back of the train left by most 80's cartoons, looking for the perfect fusion of tech, magic and flippin' bad voice acting. It tells the story of a planet called Lumimaire, where something called Lightstar Crystal exists. This crystal is a major source of energy, powering an entire city on its own (the idea of fuel granting power is a recurring theme in 80's media. Just look at Mad Max), so whoever has it owns the place. Some asshole called Baron Dark attempts to steal it, fooling one of the royal princes, Joshua, into helping him out of envy for his older brother Justin. The shit hits the fan and the crystal breaks in two: one half stays with the royal family, the other is lodged in Baron Dark's chest, turning him into a living skeleton, and giving him the power to do the same to whomever he thinks he needs for a servant. Prince Joshua, meanwhile, becomes a zombie-looking undead yet sentient thing in what creators probably figured would be a half-human half-living-skeleton. After all this happens, the royal family becomes a team of defenders of the people called Legion of Light, and the two sides battle each other for the respective half of the crystal: Justin, Joshua and Jennifer (oh boy, initials...), along with uncle Ursak, try to maintain their city on half the power and kick the Baron's bony ass.
Like many cartoons of the era, merchandise was the main appeal of Skeleton Warriors. Action figures, vehicles and videogames on PlayStation and Saturn (the latter one, I happen to know, sucks on toes). This is probably the only obscure cartoon I can recall which was made in the early 90's, rather than the 80's, but it could've fooled you: typical late-80's animation, storyline and themes, bad voice acting, occasional CPU and the intro was a rock. If you had a narrator telling you the story mid-intro, it'd be perfect.
The reason why this wasn't so big is... well, a little obvious. While they had a rather nice set of characters and a group of the most laughable villains since Skeletor and his bunch, this was the 90's. Japanimation invaded, the first series was 13 episodes long and aired on channels which usually didn't have cartoons (in Portugal, channel 2), kids at this point would rather fire up the console than sit down and watch 'toons... it was out of its time. Perhaps five years earlier, it'd have made it better.
#5 - Ghostbusters
I know what you're thinking. Ghostbusters, not big? One of the greatest franchises of the 80's, and it wasn't big? Everybody can whistle the theme, a neverending toyline, two movies and it wasn't big, get outta here! But wait. You are thinking of The Real Ghostbusters. I want you to think of Filmation's Ghostbusters. See the difference?
Created in 1986, Ghostbusters was actually a cartoon adaptation of a kids' TV show of the same name that ran during the 70's, also by Filmation. It tells the story of Jake Kong and Eddie Spencer (in the cartoon, their children) who are... ghostbusters. They hunt down ghosts and all forms of paranormal manifestations (including vampires, demons, werewolves, monsters and so on and so forth), but instead of Wicca-looking, semi-goth mediums and parapsychologists, which is how most real-life ghostbusters are, they do it Indiana Jones style, and look respectively like a yuppie and a nerd. They also have a gorilla called Tracy (you'd think Jake Kong would be the gorilla, no?) whose point in the show surpasses me since the whole thing is comic relief and not meant to be serious. But since this comes in the tradition of Scooby Doo, I assumed they'd need a pet. Fortunately, Tracy doesn't talk, but he does drive their car. Along with a series of haunted appliances and a talking, haunted car, sometimes summoning a girl from the future and a TV reporter from the present, these Ghostbusters fight a major "bad guy" called Prime Evil, a pain in the butt evil phantom robot wizard thing who lives in the Fifth Dimension (where ghosts and all manners of non-living creatures come from, supposedly). On a typical episode, Prime Evil sends one of his henchmen to mess around, and the Ghostbusters go for the rescue.
Now, how can there exist two different series with the same concept and name, and even a similar catchphrase (you probably remember "Who you're gonna call? Ghostbusters!", these guys prefered "Let's go, Ghostbusters!") and even similar logos? Well, actually it was Columbia Pictures who messed up when they released the first Ghostbuster movie in '84 unaware a 70's kids show had the same name. Filmation sued a year after the movie debuted. The issue was solved out of courts: Columbia changed the name to The Real Ghostbusters. When the movie gave origin to a cartoon series in the same year, Filmation tried to chip in and help, but Columbia gave them the old salute and worked with DiC instead. Not wanting to fall back, Filmation moved on to make a cartoon based on their old live-action show, to be aired in '86.
So how come Columbia hit it big, and Filmation's Ghostbusters was doomed to be forgotten? Well, look at both. Columbia made a show which had a bit more structure: three guys who actually went to college to study psychology and the paranormal plus one with street savvy versus two amateurs whose devices were built by a gorilla. Bona fide ghosts versus an evil undead Mob. Ghosts with a background (The Real Ghostbusters borrowed heavily from fairytale, literature and mythology) versus ripoffs from 70's pop media. Equipment that actually made sense versus gadgets that went on unexplained. Peter Venkman in all his glory versus... a yuppie. 140 episodes of 80's goodness versus 65 episodes of seventies-stuck puns. Filmation never stood a chance. And as a final punchline, there was a market for a "sequel" to The Real Ghostbusters (called Extreme Ghostbusters, it was created in '97, and it couldn't hold a candle to its predecessor), while Filmation managed to make a poor-selling DVD edition of their series in 2007.
#4 - Dungeons and Dragons
The pen and paper RPG I came to fall in love with, called Dungeons & Dragons, was created in 1974. In 1983, a cartoon series based off the game was created, one that would stir controversy in the States but go nearly unnoticed for the rest of the world (except maybe for Spain).
The premise goes likeso: a group of teens decides to go on a rollercoaster ride named Dungeons and Dragons, and in a freak accident-slash-daydream-slash-dimension jump, they end up in a world based off the game. While their main goal is to return home, in order to achieve it, they'll need to roleplay the shit out of this world and kill a final boss to get out. A strange entity (looks kinda like a gnome) who calls himself Dungeon Master is their guide and mentor in the quest, also supplying them with a series of magical items and weapons (you know I wouldn't mind this shit happening to me at all? I knew I watched the 'toon for a reason). Also, guess who is one of the major villains in this. Check out the intro. It's Tiamat her/itself. Sweet tapdancing crow.
There was a lot of stir about this when it first came out, over two issues. One was the thief. When the cartoon came to Europe, a lot of people seemingly had problems that there was a thief in the party. While it was a sort of bad call from the producers to name her a "thief" instead of a "rogue", try to explain small kids exactly what a "rogue" is, and you'll probably understand why the call was made. After all, this is the States, and "ranger" is a military rank, they'd get there. But "rogue"? Well, most countries got over it by dubbing the cartoon and calling her either "mage" or "illusionist", particularly in Spain. You know mommies sometimes have this problem that kids will copy exactly everything they see on TV, which is also why in the American version of Rurouni Kenshin, character Sanosuke doesn't smoke, but keeps a toothpick in his mouth.
The other controversy was that, for some, this was insanely violent. In 1985, it was deemed "the most violent show on TV" in the States. The last episode of the series was never aired, because that was when the party actually killed the bad guy (KILL being the concept word here) and managed to return home. What a pain in the ass, huh? And you wanna hear the punchline? That's the final scene of the final episode, and from the spellcasting on, it was done almost entirely by a japanese studio, while for the most of the series, the animation was 100% American. Guess all the ruckus with anime violence started early on.
Probably this controversy was one of the main reasons why the show wasn't popular outside the States. On the other hand, let us not forget this is a show based off and entirely done like D&D. The pen and paper RPG, unfortunately, wasn't so big out of the States back then (or now), so you couldn't expect much better from its namesake show...
#3 - Visionaries
I was crazy about this show when I was a kid. The whole title was Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light, and it was created based off a toyline by Hasbro, when it's usually the other way around. The complete show was, like many of these obscurities, only 13 episodes long, and although there was also a short-lived comic book, the whole franchise never really got off the ground. The whole thing was only known during 1987.
The story was a recurrent theme in the 80's and another attempt at putting magic and sci-fi in the same pot. In a planet called Prysmos, the sources of energy were used up til their limit, which forced the inhabitants to go back to a Dark Ages-like way of life. Amidst this, a sorcerer calls to the people, claiming he can give them magic if they prove worthy of it. Two groups respond to the challenge, and gain several magic powers, with which not only can they transform into animals, consult higher knowledge, destroy and protect, but also with which they can power up mechanical vehicles. Like in most cartoons, you have the good guy side, which tries to make the best of their situation, and the bad guy side which seeks exclusiveness over the power sources (in this case, the magic). A lot of shows with this particular theme were made in the 80's, thinking about it, and probably weren't so big on accounts that, given nowadays' fuel situation, they were sorta depressing.
Again, a nice set of characters, a fairly good storyline, a catchy intro and some of the worst voice acting you'll ever listen to. What failed? Well, other than the recurring theme, which didn't really stick, Visionaires was probably intended not to succeed as a cartoon or comic book. Since the toyline came first, this leads me to believe that the purpose of the cartoon was to sell the toys. And on that, it was rather successful: the toyline is sold to the present day, some of the items as rare. It's a pity though... I really liked this show.
#2 - Bravestarr
Also from Filmation, Bravestarr was a poor attempt at getting kids into cowboys again. It's basically Wild West (or Weird West) set in a future time. And, of course, there is this incredible sheriff who kicks the ass of whoever wants to mess up in his one horse (his horse was great, by the way. And had a rifle called Sarah Jane.) planet, New Texas. Then of course there are some bad guys, the Carrion Bunch, who want to take New Texas and all its mineral goodies. Very usual premise, very simple stuff. Did I mention the horse was great?
I recently saw a few episodes of this, and frankly, I can see little reason why it didn't stick. It is He-Man-ish (and actually came on the success tail of He-Man, which Filmation had released a couple years prior to this), had some good jokes, a fairly decent comic relief and a story that would normally stick. Like many at the time, the usual episode was the Carrion Bunch or other outlaws of New Texas trying to get the precious ore, and Marshall Bravestarr coming in for the save. Like with He-Man, Filmation also made a movie out of it (Bravestarr: the Movie or Bravestarr: the Legend if you live in Europe), which is even more obscure than the cartoon itself. I guess it was the whole cowboy theme that didn't make it. It's a real shame, because... the horse was great.
#1 - Blackstar
Quite possibly the undisputed king of obscure cartoons. From the same good people who gave us Bravestarr (someone at Filmation really favored Native Americans huh?), Blackstar showed up in the merry year of 1981, and it was about an astronaut called John Blackstar who got sucked into a black hole and ended up in a Universe where magic and sorcery are still the shit (still?). Here, he vows to free the people of the planet he ends up in (which, by the way, are seven pink dwarves called Trobbits) from an evil Overlord, with the help of two weird-as-crow sidekicks and one half of a magic sword. Needless to state, like with Skeleton Warriors, said Overlord has the other half.
1981. Back in the day, when you were watching cartoon intros, a narrator told you the story behind the cartoon, even going as far as introducing a few characters. That way, nobody would lose more than half an episode for introductions: this is the story, here's what happened, moving on to the action. Action which, by the way, wasn't so great back then. Animation had a long way to go and the Japanese hadn't invaded the scene yet. If you watched Heavy Metal (the first and good one. Also, pardon the bad Spanish dub), it's more or less the same style, and Heavy Metal was top notch for its time. Still, better voice acting than Thundercats. The dialog was full of witticism, especially from Blackstar. Along with saving the seven pink dwarves from the Overlord, he wanted to teach them sarcasm and wordplay as well.
Why didn't this catch on? How come so many people remember He-Man but not this? Well, Filmation made a few bad calls with it. First and foremost, the style was funny. Okay, this is aliens we're talking about, but some of them are... weird. Needlessly weird. Case in point: pink dwarves. And one of them, not pictured, resembles Dumbo, and actually flies with those long-ass ears. The one in the middle was a Harpo Marx ripoff: mute, but did quite a bit of whistling. And the rest were kinda borrowed from Walt Disney. They had seven comic relief characters versus one, maybe two, in He-Man. The show couldn't possibly be taken very seriously, it's pink dwarves we're looking at! Then, Blackstar looks... more or less normal. And not half as queer as He-Man, even in that outfit (which really isn't a stretch). But now look at one of his sidekicks, Mara. There's something odd about her. Something you can't put a finger on (haha!). Her head is shaped funny, or that helmet really doesn't suit her. Teela from He-Man had a bad effin' hairdo, but she looked fairly human. Blackstar also suffered poor advertising, and since it was released on the tail of He-Man, it got kinda overshadowed. If you've seen it, you likely rented it on tape from the club, or your parents had it recorded for some reason. Because other than the States, I haven't found a single country where it was aired.
You know whom I liked in this? Warlock, Blackstar's mount. He was sweet.
#10 - Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling
Well... if you moved in the same time, space and channels as I did, you had to bump into this at some point. I was surprised hardly anybody else I spoke to recalled this stuff. The formula was simple: WWF (back then that was the name) aired at ten in the morning weeks with a double feature on weekends, and Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling was on during the weeks, after school, right before Sailor Moon. The premise was simple: wrestlers getting into all manners of cartoony shenanigans, with a "good guy" side and a "bad guy" side, and skits where the real wrestlers showed up to entertain the kids and get a whole generation of us to follow the sport-slash-soap opera later on. Some of the wrestlers were so obscure, nobody knew them from anywhere but the cartoon. We all know who Hulk Hogan is, we all heard of Rowdy Roddy Piper (who by the way got a big boost to popularity due to the cartoon. After it was aired, a hardly recognized guy in a kilt had become a major WWF superstar), we all know more or less who André the Giant was. But who in crow ever heard of Hillbilly Jim or Mr. Fuji outside the cartoon?
This was created in 1985, and I came to watch it sometime during the 90's. Pretty good for a cartoon about wrestlers, huh? And I'll give it something: it had the catchiest intro I've seen in a long time.
Why wasn't it so popular? If you were a kid and liked wrestling, you likely saw it. If you were a kid and didn't like wrestling, you'd probably not like it. Either way, the cartoon fulfilled its goal: twenty years later, a whole generation of us follows Smackdown, Raw, ECW and others.
#9 - Rainbow Brite
Oh boy, Rainbow Brite. A cartoon for girls too young to find Jem amusing, and who were sick and tired of My Little Pony. Born a year before me, 1984, it was... weird. All I recall from Rainbow Brite is bits of an hour-long motion picture of sorts, I may have seen an episode of it or another, since the gross of it wasn't aired, and instead existed for rent. The motion picture did air a year or two, as a Sunday all-family movie, and that's when my Mum recorded it for me because I was a sucker for cartoons. Rainbow Brite was to colors and poor grammar what Strawberry Shortcake was to desserts.
Basically, it tells the story of a magic land a la Narnia, which is where all the colors of the world come from, and the people in charge of putting them there: the Color Kids, and Rainbow Brite herself. The rest is catering to young girls: there's a horse (with a huge ego, might I add: Starlite calls himself "the most magnificient horse in the Universe". Oh did I mention the bastard talks too?), some fluffy little buggers called sprites, all manners of cutesy stuff, every character has a huge head for its tiny body (and even bigger 'dos) and there's enough rainbows and stars on the show to provide the Gay Pride parade with decorations for years to come. If you still don't think this was made with girls in mind, check out those kids. There's one for each color of the rainbow, which makes sense, plus pink. PLUS pink. And there are only two boys. I guess Rainbow Brite is the reason why I couldn't stand girly stuff for most of my childhood: I OD'd on it after 15 minutes of this.
While not very many people remember her, likely because nobody over eight or nine watched this and I'm pushing it, Rainbow Brite seems to be insanely popular as a toy. In 2004, Rainbow Brite dolls and accessories were still being produced, sold and making a lot of kablinki. But there may be an ulterior reason for that. Get ready for this punchline: guess which company introduced and made publicity for Rainbow Brite. Here's a hint: if you ever got a Christmas card, they likely printed it. Yep. Hallmark.
#8 - Beetlejuice
You may not remember the cartoon, but maybe the movie rings a bell. 1988, a horror of nature spawned forth by Tim Burton (who else...?), Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis were the most sickeningly perfect dead couple you'll see, Michael Keaton liked striped suits and Winona Ryder was a goth? Yeah. While I don't know how popular exactly the movie was back then, the cartoon was made a year after its release. Since it was distributed by Warner Bros., you'd think it'd be a little more popular. And since it was actually aired in Portugal, I was expecting more people to remember it. I was a sucker for it myself.
The main story of the movie is maintained, although downgraded for kids. Instead of a horny, treacherous bastard, Beetlejuice is a prankster and the Netherworld's pet con artist. And Lydia is not so much a goth, as an upbeat, smiley and popular girl who happens to like goth stuff. The humor, however, was a lot better than the movie's. I've checked an episode recently and it actually can be enjoyed on an adult level (that, or I really need to get out more). If you like groan-worthy puns (Beetlejuice says he's tired, and turns into a tire) and dumb references (like a tapdancing spider named Ginger being a reference for Ginger Rogers), you got yourself a show.
#7 - Spiderman and His Amazing Friends
Yeah, I know. Sounds so bad, doesn't it? It's like one of those Friday night shows. You imagine Spidey sitting on a couch, sipping coffee with special guests Hulk (fitness advice: how gamma can work for you) and the Invisible Woman (who promises to bare it all), while keeping the Green Goblin on line 2. On the comedy skit, Deadpool. Musical guest: Kaiser Chiefs. Brr.
This was probably the only Spiderman series nobody gave a damn about, and after I tell you how it went, you'll understand why. Apparently, producers decided Spiderman alone couldn't attract much of a crowd, so they grouped him with two co-heroes: Iceman (whom you may remember as a member of X-Men), and a girl called Firestar who bears a striking resemblance to Mary Jane (on doing some research, I discovered she was originally a Emma Frost goon, having made a debut in Uncanny X-Men and later becoming a member of the New Warriors and the Avengers. Don't Marvel heroes sometimes remind you of soccer players? Talk about jumping around between teams). And get this: other than Spidey's usual foes, they also placed Dr. Doom in the mix (scratch the thing about soccer players up there, they look like TV stars more: changing shows and working on two channels at the same time). As if this wasn't enough, other heroes also made cameos in the show: Captain America, Iron Man, the X-Men themselves in their 70's formation, the Hulk, Thor... well it does look like a Friday night show now, doesn't it?
The story behind all this cooky mess is that Spidey (mild-mannered teen Peter Parker) teamed up with the other two at some occasion to defeat a supervillain. Since it worked out okay, they decided to remain a team, called (wait for it...) Spider-Friends (*groan*), up to a point where they all lived in Aunt May's house, which for the purpose of superhero HQ became a Batcave of sorts: you pulled a hidden trigger and computers came out of the walls.
Made in 1981, the series ran for three seasons in the States. We in Europe only got to it via video, dubbed in Brazilian Portuguese for added horror. The series was eventually turned into a comic (usually, it's the other way around) which wasn't so popular and suffered several event changes in order to more or less fit into the Marvel Universe timeline (this happened in the 80's, when Marvel still gave a rat's patoot about putting up a logical timeline. Sometime during the posterior decade, someone at their offices just said "fuck it", and this is how we have the messed up timeline comic book geeks like me are familiar with). Eventually, Stan Lee and the rest of the Marvel people realized Spidey was better left to his devices on his own, and this melting pot was canceled and forgotten.
#6 -Skeleton Warriors
Apart from myself and two other blokes, I don't know anyone who watched this. And one of the aforementioned blokes only got into it, because I told him to turn on his TV at the right time. Skeleton Warriors was riding the back of the train left by most 80's cartoons, looking for the perfect fusion of tech, magic and flippin' bad voice acting. It tells the story of a planet called Lumimaire, where something called Lightstar Crystal exists. This crystal is a major source of energy, powering an entire city on its own (the idea of fuel granting power is a recurring theme in 80's media. Just look at Mad Max), so whoever has it owns the place. Some asshole called Baron Dark attempts to steal it, fooling one of the royal princes, Joshua, into helping him out of envy for his older brother Justin. The shit hits the fan and the crystal breaks in two: one half stays with the royal family, the other is lodged in Baron Dark's chest, turning him into a living skeleton, and giving him the power to do the same to whomever he thinks he needs for a servant. Prince Joshua, meanwhile, becomes a zombie-looking undead yet sentient thing in what creators probably figured would be a half-human half-living-skeleton. After all this happens, the royal family becomes a team of defenders of the people called Legion of Light, and the two sides battle each other for the respective half of the crystal: Justin, Joshua and Jennifer (oh boy, initials...), along with uncle Ursak, try to maintain their city on half the power and kick the Baron's bony ass.
Like many cartoons of the era, merchandise was the main appeal of Skeleton Warriors. Action figures, vehicles and videogames on PlayStation and Saturn (the latter one, I happen to know, sucks on toes). This is probably the only obscure cartoon I can recall which was made in the early 90's, rather than the 80's, but it could've fooled you: typical late-80's animation, storyline and themes, bad voice acting, occasional CPU and the intro was a rock. If you had a narrator telling you the story mid-intro, it'd be perfect.
The reason why this wasn't so big is... well, a little obvious. While they had a rather nice set of characters and a group of the most laughable villains since Skeletor and his bunch, this was the 90's. Japanimation invaded, the first series was 13 episodes long and aired on channels which usually didn't have cartoons (in Portugal, channel 2), kids at this point would rather fire up the console than sit down and watch 'toons... it was out of its time. Perhaps five years earlier, it'd have made it better.
#5 - Ghostbusters
I know what you're thinking. Ghostbusters, not big? One of the greatest franchises of the 80's, and it wasn't big? Everybody can whistle the theme, a neverending toyline, two movies and it wasn't big, get outta here! But wait. You are thinking of The Real Ghostbusters. I want you to think of Filmation's Ghostbusters. See the difference?
Created in 1986, Ghostbusters was actually a cartoon adaptation of a kids' TV show of the same name that ran during the 70's, also by Filmation. It tells the story of Jake Kong and Eddie Spencer (in the cartoon, their children) who are... ghostbusters. They hunt down ghosts and all forms of paranormal manifestations (including vampires, demons, werewolves, monsters and so on and so forth), but instead of Wicca-looking, semi-goth mediums and parapsychologists, which is how most real-life ghostbusters are, they do it Indiana Jones style, and look respectively like a yuppie and a nerd. They also have a gorilla called Tracy (you'd think Jake Kong would be the gorilla, no?) whose point in the show surpasses me since the whole thing is comic relief and not meant to be serious. But since this comes in the tradition of Scooby Doo, I assumed they'd need a pet. Fortunately, Tracy doesn't talk, but he does drive their car. Along with a series of haunted appliances and a talking, haunted car, sometimes summoning a girl from the future and a TV reporter from the present, these Ghostbusters fight a major "bad guy" called Prime Evil, a pain in the butt evil phantom robot wizard thing who lives in the Fifth Dimension (where ghosts and all manners of non-living creatures come from, supposedly). On a typical episode, Prime Evil sends one of his henchmen to mess around, and the Ghostbusters go for the rescue.
Now, how can there exist two different series with the same concept and name, and even a similar catchphrase (you probably remember "Who you're gonna call? Ghostbusters!", these guys prefered "Let's go, Ghostbusters!") and even similar logos? Well, actually it was Columbia Pictures who messed up when they released the first Ghostbuster movie in '84 unaware a 70's kids show had the same name. Filmation sued a year after the movie debuted. The issue was solved out of courts: Columbia changed the name to The Real Ghostbusters. When the movie gave origin to a cartoon series in the same year, Filmation tried to chip in and help, but Columbia gave them the old salute and worked with DiC instead. Not wanting to fall back, Filmation moved on to make a cartoon based on their old live-action show, to be aired in '86.
So how come Columbia hit it big, and Filmation's Ghostbusters was doomed to be forgotten? Well, look at both. Columbia made a show which had a bit more structure: three guys who actually went to college to study psychology and the paranormal plus one with street savvy versus two amateurs whose devices were built by a gorilla. Bona fide ghosts versus an evil undead Mob. Ghosts with a background (The Real Ghostbusters borrowed heavily from fairytale, literature and mythology) versus ripoffs from 70's pop media. Equipment that actually made sense versus gadgets that went on unexplained. Peter Venkman in all his glory versus... a yuppie. 140 episodes of 80's goodness versus 65 episodes of seventies-stuck puns. Filmation never stood a chance. And as a final punchline, there was a market for a "sequel" to The Real Ghostbusters (called Extreme Ghostbusters, it was created in '97, and it couldn't hold a candle to its predecessor), while Filmation managed to make a poor-selling DVD edition of their series in 2007.
#4 - Dungeons and Dragons
The pen and paper RPG I came to fall in love with, called Dungeons & Dragons, was created in 1974. In 1983, a cartoon series based off the game was created, one that would stir controversy in the States but go nearly unnoticed for the rest of the world (except maybe for Spain).
The premise goes likeso: a group of teens decides to go on a rollercoaster ride named Dungeons and Dragons, and in a freak accident-slash-daydream-slash-dimension jump, they end up in a world based off the game. While their main goal is to return home, in order to achieve it, they'll need to roleplay the shit out of this world and kill a final boss to get out. A strange entity (looks kinda like a gnome) who calls himself Dungeon Master is their guide and mentor in the quest, also supplying them with a series of magical items and weapons (you know I wouldn't mind this shit happening to me at all? I knew I watched the 'toon for a reason). Also, guess who is one of the major villains in this. Check out the intro. It's Tiamat her/itself. Sweet tapdancing crow.
There was a lot of stir about this when it first came out, over two issues. One was the thief. When the cartoon came to Europe, a lot of people seemingly had problems that there was a thief in the party. While it was a sort of bad call from the producers to name her a "thief" instead of a "rogue", try to explain small kids exactly what a "rogue" is, and you'll probably understand why the call was made. After all, this is the States, and "ranger" is a military rank, they'd get there. But "rogue"? Well, most countries got over it by dubbing the cartoon and calling her either "mage" or "illusionist", particularly in Spain. You know mommies sometimes have this problem that kids will copy exactly everything they see on TV, which is also why in the American version of Rurouni Kenshin, character Sanosuke doesn't smoke, but keeps a toothpick in his mouth.
The other controversy was that, for some, this was insanely violent. In 1985, it was deemed "the most violent show on TV" in the States. The last episode of the series was never aired, because that was when the party actually killed the bad guy (KILL being the concept word here) and managed to return home. What a pain in the ass, huh? And you wanna hear the punchline? That's the final scene of the final episode, and from the spellcasting on, it was done almost entirely by a japanese studio, while for the most of the series, the animation was 100% American. Guess all the ruckus with anime violence started early on.
Probably this controversy was one of the main reasons why the show wasn't popular outside the States. On the other hand, let us not forget this is a show based off and entirely done like D&D. The pen and paper RPG, unfortunately, wasn't so big out of the States back then (or now), so you couldn't expect much better from its namesake show...
#3 - Visionaries
I was crazy about this show when I was a kid. The whole title was Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light, and it was created based off a toyline by Hasbro, when it's usually the other way around. The complete show was, like many of these obscurities, only 13 episodes long, and although there was also a short-lived comic book, the whole franchise never really got off the ground. The whole thing was only known during 1987.
The story was a recurrent theme in the 80's and another attempt at putting magic and sci-fi in the same pot. In a planet called Prysmos, the sources of energy were used up til their limit, which forced the inhabitants to go back to a Dark Ages-like way of life. Amidst this, a sorcerer calls to the people, claiming he can give them magic if they prove worthy of it. Two groups respond to the challenge, and gain several magic powers, with which not only can they transform into animals, consult higher knowledge, destroy and protect, but also with which they can power up mechanical vehicles. Like in most cartoons, you have the good guy side, which tries to make the best of their situation, and the bad guy side which seeks exclusiveness over the power sources (in this case, the magic). A lot of shows with this particular theme were made in the 80's, thinking about it, and probably weren't so big on accounts that, given nowadays' fuel situation, they were sorta depressing.
Again, a nice set of characters, a fairly good storyline, a catchy intro and some of the worst voice acting you'll ever listen to. What failed? Well, other than the recurring theme, which didn't really stick, Visionaires was probably intended not to succeed as a cartoon or comic book. Since the toyline came first, this leads me to believe that the purpose of the cartoon was to sell the toys. And on that, it was rather successful: the toyline is sold to the present day, some of the items as rare. It's a pity though... I really liked this show.
#2 - Bravestarr
Also from Filmation, Bravestarr was a poor attempt at getting kids into cowboys again. It's basically Wild West (or Weird West) set in a future time. And, of course, there is this incredible sheriff who kicks the ass of whoever wants to mess up in his one horse (his horse was great, by the way. And had a rifle called Sarah Jane.) planet, New Texas. Then of course there are some bad guys, the Carrion Bunch, who want to take New Texas and all its mineral goodies. Very usual premise, very simple stuff. Did I mention the horse was great?
I recently saw a few episodes of this, and frankly, I can see little reason why it didn't stick. It is He-Man-ish (and actually came on the success tail of He-Man, which Filmation had released a couple years prior to this), had some good jokes, a fairly decent comic relief and a story that would normally stick. Like many at the time, the usual episode was the Carrion Bunch or other outlaws of New Texas trying to get the precious ore, and Marshall Bravestarr coming in for the save. Like with He-Man, Filmation also made a movie out of it (Bravestarr: the Movie or Bravestarr: the Legend if you live in Europe), which is even more obscure than the cartoon itself. I guess it was the whole cowboy theme that didn't make it. It's a real shame, because... the horse was great.
#1 - Blackstar
Quite possibly the undisputed king of obscure cartoons. From the same good people who gave us Bravestarr (someone at Filmation really favored Native Americans huh?), Blackstar showed up in the merry year of 1981, and it was about an astronaut called John Blackstar who got sucked into a black hole and ended up in a Universe where magic and sorcery are still the shit (still?). Here, he vows to free the people of the planet he ends up in (which, by the way, are seven pink dwarves called Trobbits) from an evil Overlord, with the help of two weird-as-crow sidekicks and one half of a magic sword. Needless to state, like with Skeleton Warriors, said Overlord has the other half.
1981. Back in the day, when you were watching cartoon intros, a narrator told you the story behind the cartoon, even going as far as introducing a few characters. That way, nobody would lose more than half an episode for introductions: this is the story, here's what happened, moving on to the action. Action which, by the way, wasn't so great back then. Animation had a long way to go and the Japanese hadn't invaded the scene yet. If you watched Heavy Metal (the first and good one. Also, pardon the bad Spanish dub), it's more or less the same style, and Heavy Metal was top notch for its time. Still, better voice acting than Thundercats. The dialog was full of witticism, especially from Blackstar. Along with saving the seven pink dwarves from the Overlord, he wanted to teach them sarcasm and wordplay as well.
Why didn't this catch on? How come so many people remember He-Man but not this? Well, Filmation made a few bad calls with it. First and foremost, the style was funny. Okay, this is aliens we're talking about, but some of them are... weird. Needlessly weird. Case in point: pink dwarves. And one of them, not pictured, resembles Dumbo, and actually flies with those long-ass ears. The one in the middle was a Harpo Marx ripoff: mute, but did quite a bit of whistling. And the rest were kinda borrowed from Walt Disney. They had seven comic relief characters versus one, maybe two, in He-Man. The show couldn't possibly be taken very seriously, it's pink dwarves we're looking at! Then, Blackstar looks... more or less normal. And not half as queer as He-Man, even in that outfit (which really isn't a stretch). But now look at one of his sidekicks, Mara. There's something odd about her. Something you can't put a finger on (haha!). Her head is shaped funny, or that helmet really doesn't suit her. Teela from He-Man had a bad effin' hairdo, but she looked fairly human. Blackstar also suffered poor advertising, and since it was released on the tail of He-Man, it got kinda overshadowed. If you've seen it, you likely rented it on tape from the club, or your parents had it recorded for some reason. Because other than the States, I haven't found a single country where it was aired.
You know whom I liked in this? Warlock, Blackstar's mount. He was sweet.
5 January 2009
Weekly Log - 29 through 4
Monday Dec 29
Woke up early, got ready to get to work, and then the shit hit the fan. Grandma had to go to the hospital for an appointment (needless to say we can't just stuff her in the back seat and drive...) and there was no way in Hell to get an ambulance. We called the firemen, the Red Cross and were about ready to pact with the Devil just to get it solved. Eventually we found a way to send her there while still in the possession of our mortal souls, and I got to work with a two-hour delay. Don't give a shit: less time of doing nothing.You couldn't get a decent cup of coffee anywhere for shit. The best I managed was a double, and the coffee was clearly burned. While it made my taste buds cringe, the caffeine intake was nice. I then went back to the boring wasteland that is my office. I always feel like Beastmaster when I arrive: the rats peeking at me from the hole on the corner, under one of the desks, and lizards running at my passage are a perfect analogy for how much this place pesters me.
The only customer who walked in came to pester me even more. One of those overly happy women who was way too happy about Christmas and New Year's Eve she was practically sporting an afterglow. She isn't at fault I'm ear-deep in shit and I hate the season, so I smiled yellow, bit down on the bile rising to my throat and wished her a happy New Year.
Went home afterwards, with a quick stop at the grocery store. Grandma was wheezing. My uncle was going through my Mum's record collection. I was so tired I didn't even have dinner: straight to the computer, headphones on, let's boogie. I don't wanna hear anything going on in this house.
Tuesday Dec 30
It's incredible. This year just won't end. The more I want to get the fuck out of 2008, the slower time goes by. I'm at the office and all I get is bullshit, I'm at home and I get more bullshit. Someone please get me the fuck out of here. I can't wait for tomorrow.Wednesday Dec 31
Finally, the last day of this crappy year. 2008, go fuck yourself.Went to a few stores hoping to do some shopping. My uncle drove me there. While he did, he gave me and my brother a huge talk about why we didn't go into out Grandma's room so often, and told me to go smoke only at the kitchen window. I swear, the more time I spend with people, the less I understand them. Three days ago, when he caught me smoking in the kitchen, he bitched and yelled about how it was gonna spoil the food's taste (what does he think I'm smoking here, battery acid?), and now he actually wants me to go smoke in there? These people are so full of shit... Then he offered to help me buy the leather jacket I've been wanting for a while if I did. I felt like I was being bribed, so I shut up. Thinking about it now, I should've told him to go yank his dick through his ass.
My night was about to get better, though. I got out of the house, along with seventeen good people, and we all jammed ourselves into a garage somehow. We cooked, we laughed, we sang and we danced. All the good stuff was there: shrimp, and meat on the grill, and seafood. And beer, lots of beer. And white wine. Awesome party. We were up until seven of the following day, outside despite the cold. Two people who had never smoked before, did. A person who had been alone found someone. We spoke about nothing at all, and then we spoke about books (two of which I read and loved, and somehow between my drunken stupor I found a way of talking coherently about them). It's been a while since I was allowed to leave all the shit at home, and go out and have fun.
Goodbye, 2008. You sucked while you lasted.
Thursday Jan 01
Can't talk. Hungover. Man I drank so much last night... I think this was the worst effin' hangover in my life. From what I gather, someone was worse than me. I didn't throw up and I managed to get out of bed to drank a gallon of water and piss. Not bad, Seion, not bad. Welcome, 2009.Friday Jan 02
Crow, you'd think Murphy would take it easy, seeing as the year has just begun, but no deal! I wasn't expecting shit from the previous year to become solved (Grandma, being messenger between my parents, overall boredom, being a 23 nearly-unemployed with a headache a day and ulcers the size of fists just waiting to happen), but at least don't toss more! Now it's a flippin' cold, and the fact my Mum just got paid and we're already out of money. More bullshit about how we need cash, and we need cash, and so on and so forth. I don't think I even hear it all at this point. It's like when you listen to the same song over and over, and after a while you become deaf to it. It's usually at this point someone probably realizes I ain't listening and they raise the sound. I was supposed to go to work today, but had to stay home to take care of Grandma. They only worked during the morn anyway. This was my brother's turn to get a new bed, but since there's one pin missing to it, he can come crashing down at any given second.
Weekend Jan 3-4
I spent my Saturday like a war refugee: inside my bedroom and under covers, venturing outside only to get food and coffee and visit the can. Unless it's to get me out of here, I don't wanna see a soul, and everyone may as well think I'm asleep for all I care. I don't wanna have to put up with people I dislike on weekends and I think I'm in my right not to, so since I can't just tell them to fuck off like I want to, I may as well keep hidden.On Sunday I went to the coffee shop to get me a shot of caffeine. When I came back, my uncle was in, and there was some woman there, who supposedly is a "friend" of his. No need to tell me she was there: her perfume filled the house and irritated my nose the minute I walked through the door. Went to hide in my bedroom again: I still hold mine the right not to have to socialize with people I don't know and people I dislike.
On downloads update is an anime series I liked, and lost when Typhoid died (Paranoia Agent) and a shitload more music. It still doesn't hold a candle to the collection I lost with the last computer crash, but it's getting better.
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