Weekly Log - 22 through 28

Monday Jun 22

I woke up at 6h30 AM, got to the train station by 8h45 and reported for work at 9 sharp this morning, as punctual as possible like they told me to be at the agency.

My future supervisor, however, did not report for work. After I told my story to three different people inside the store (that I came to promote a product, what the product does, who sent me, when was I supposed to be there and yes, I was sure this was the right place), they advised me to return around 2 PM and seek her out, adding that this is a fucked-up day (tell me something I don't know...) because all the big cheeses came down to the store to check on things. This is what we at the Most Serene Church call "Murphy influence by proxy": Murphy fucks up someone's day, and you get the short end of the stick because of that. But hey - I had lunch with the guys yesterday, I'm in a good mood, I left my number and decided to come back later. Come on, Monday - give me your worse!

So I went home and went back near 2 PM as advised. Apparently, the person in charge wouldn't be back until 5 PM. My out time is 6 PM. And I really can't afford going to and fro like this since I don't have a pass... not to mention that ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?! What is this, Pong with people?! At least call me telling there's nobody in, why the fuck did I leave my number? I did gather some information on who was who, where the cameras were, my evaluation process, the works. And then went home. Again.

As I left the train station, Mum called, saying she had borrowed Pops' car and wanted to go to the bank in Far the Fuck Away Baixa da Banheira. After a painful hour roaming around in circles looking for the place, we went in to talk to some account manager I never saw before and whom I didn't even know existed. He insulted my mother, myself, and said that we should take care of our life. Right. This guy would rather have me staving and have a positive money income on my account, than have me eating. Bank people are all alike, and I can understand the man has a hard time managing our shit because we're usually broke... also, FUCK HIM. Remember me typing, a few months back, I didn't wish for nobody to get in the same situation as me? I was wrong.

Tuesday Jun 23

I went to the work site again, in time again, and I turned my tail and went home again. Person in charge wasn't in. I have heard time and again about employers looking for their employees, but an employee looking for his boss is news to me. This crap is starting to annoy me. But I wasn't very willing to go back in the afternoon only to run into the door, so this time, I took the store number. I'll call, don't worry.

Turns out, they remembered to call me. Around lunchtime, my estranged supervisor finally called and told me to show up tomorrow at 1h30 PM and talk to her. It took me about nine months to get this gig. They just had to make me wait two more days, eh?

Wednesday Jun 24

Alright, so, this is the basics: I was supposed to work in a small market, promoting a cellphone service I am pretty damn sure nobody wants or needs. The agency knows as much, apparently, as the supervisor and myself. The project starts on the 7th of next month, instead of Monday as they told me last week. I asked the supervisor what she wanted me to do then, she said if I worked at the store they would pay me all the same, no problemo. I took it. I could use the extra week and a half pay.

I'll be at the info counter - making discount cards, remaking discount cards, keeping bags, handing bags back, wrapping stuff up, getting mail and bills, taking care of the phone, gathering shopping baskets and carts when needed, providing customer support as far as I can, running around looking for someone who can if I cannot, listening to complaints, handling the many, the proud and the stupid who are anal about a couple of cents more or less in their receipts. I will be wearing a shop t-shirt (fuck free advertising, at least I get paid) and, from what the super says, cursing between my teeth a lot.

Thursday Jun 25

So, my first full day. My impressions... I don't hate this job. The job is exactly that: a job. Someone's gotta do it, they're paying, it might as well be me. There are however 3 things I hate about it: standing up, some customers, and the boredom.

Standing up is the worse by far. It's eight bloody hours. By the third, my legs and feet are threatening to leave me for good. And I'm on sneakers, like Hell I'm bringing boots to this job. It's easier on the rest of the staff, because they are either always on the move, or take turns sitting down minding the cash register. I'm at the info counter, no chairs, eight hours, no breaks, yowza. They're severely understaffed, so they never allow me to go out for ten minutes and smoke a fag, for instance.

As for the customers... man, how come I can never get a job doing back office, and deal with one asshole boss instead of a gazillion assholes customers? Whenever the cashier forgot to discount a coupon (which happens, they're not mechanical, they get tired too), they bitch and yell like someone just stole their purse. Whenever merchandise gets damaged on home delivery, or didn't come in (also understandable, the delivery people make a lot of stops, they make one mistake in hundreds), in come the screeches at the phone. And if the customer misunderstands you for some reason (more than likely, since it's loud in the store and they don't really want to hear us to begin with), crow almighty, here come the decibels. I especially want to address the lady who made us run back and forth between central desk and info counter for fifteen minutes just so we could return her the 2 cents too many we accidentally took on her receipt. Get a life, lady. If it was something like 20, 50 cents, I'd understand. I doubt you'll starve for 3 bloody cents. And you know the best part? She left the store without getting them because it was taking too long.

The boredom... here's how I like work: it must feel like work. That's why I abhor call-centers: I feel like I'm loitering in front of a desk for eight hours, drawing doodles and repeating the same annoying bullshit. I don't mind if it's a sitting job, as long as I'm always busy. I like work with a 10-minute break for every 2 hours I do, so I have time to eat a few cookies or smoke. But when I'm working, I gotta be on the move. The less I do, the less I want to do, and if I'm just there, the hours don't go by as fast. Gotta keep busy. The problem with the info counter is, if you have no customers to help, no baskets to fetch and no magazines to sort through, you get to stand up in the same place like an idiot for fifteen minutes. It's tedious. And I don't like it.

Friday Jun 26

Last day of my first week. No supervisors in until 3 PM, well that was just peachy. I finally got most of the passwords and login information I needed to take care of the computer on my own. It was a pain in the rear, having to ask people to log on every time the computer crashed. And it crashes every half an hour. I never thought a machine could be more wimpy than Kid Bro's, but hey, live and learn.

Apart from an asshole who paid for his shopping with his discount card, went out, damaged the merchandise, waited ten minutes and came back in so we could refund him (got jack), nothing to say. It was a doable Friday. I tried to keep a little busier to make time go fast forward: organized the magazines, went upstairs and downstairs several times to fetch people to the phone, helped restock the batteries stand, cleaned up some shelves, mopped the inside of the info counter, fetched baskets and carts every half hour, the works.

In the evening, I hit the bars with some of the guys. Played cards, drank and walked my way home (after a fit of never ending laughter, three falls and a fit of never ending hiccups - which is actually a natural reaction to the laughter). Finally: let the weekend roll in.

Weekend Jun 27 - 28

I've discovered something interesting while browsing for signs of Murphy (a.k.a. omens of ill luck) on the Internet. We are currently using the Gregorian calendar, which, as well you know, adds a day to that handicap of a month formally known as February every four years. This isn't news. But did you guys know that this process (plus the whole 30-31 day discrepancy between months) causes Fridays the 13th to happen more frequently during a given year? At best once, but likely three times every year!

Murphy needs no bloody help, people! We don't need to give him extra days for all Hell to break loose! Of course since we in the West are mainly Christian (for a period of time, we called ourselves the Christianity and all), and I have been one to stay the crow away from most official, organized churches for years, I would very much like to quit this aberration of a calendar. Only I can't. I show up for work saying it's the eighth day of Thermidor and they lock me up in the funny farm. Still, I would like to make a simple proposition for a new calendar, called Calendar According to Murphy, which might minimize the damage. Here it is.

Every week has seven days, every day has 24 hours. That's been working fairly well and we might as well keep it. A year has 360 days (what's five or six days? Quit being a wussie) divided equally by 12 months so that every month has exactly 30 days. Whenever a Friday the 13th does happen, it's a holiday. It's a day when everyone is required to stay home and try to minimize the influence of Murphy. Oh, and let's stop kidding ourselves: instead of Monday, let's call the first day of the week Shitday. You know it is and so do I.

Downloads for the week include Anthony Hopkins' Titus (1999), the 2000 comedy sitcom Titus (no relation whatsoever, I just happen to like both) and a huge bunch of Corvus Corax albums. Because medieval folk music actually sounds pretty damn good when they do it.

YouTube Wednesday with the Marx Brothers

The Marx Brothers were huge back before movies were made in color. Their comedy was based on wordplay, random silliness and stand-up-ish monologues. They also sang and danced and most of them played at least one musical instrument. Talk about a real artist! This clip is from Animal Crackers (1030), one of my favorite movies by them. Classical comedy, make sure to check it out. Have a nice Wednesday.

'The Uninvited'

I have mentioned in the past that Americans suffer from a sort of trauma or syndrome which makes them unable to enjoy a decent movie unless it is spoken in their own language. After dwelling a while on this, I think there's a little more to this trauma (other than money, of course. Money is present in every instance). I think Americans must have some sort of problem with the Axis producing movies out of more or less original ideas when they've been adapting comics and cartoons into film for years now. As such, as soon as someone from that part of the world makes a decent, high-grossing movie, America is quick to do the same, or take the same concept and remake it. Envy does kill: the deformed incubus of this process is a lousy, unfinished-looking movie, with its corners cut so that one concept can easily be absorbed by the minds of a completely different culture from the one that spawned it. If not, take a look: Honogurai mizu no soko kara (2002) became Dark Waters (2005), Ju-On (2002) turned into The Grudge (2004), Chakushin ari (2003) was sent to the West as One Missed Call (2008), Ringu (1998) went The Ring (2002) and I'm only mentioning a few. And of the aforementioned, I only liked The Ring, both as standalone movie and remake.

Following in this tradition, The Uninvited, having dropped on my lap this very year, is a remake of a Korean movie called Tale of Two Sisters, which won several awards in Fantasporto 2003. I came to watch it when everyone else did, about two or three years later. I enjoyed Tale of Two Sisters, but it wasn't an epiphany. It's not like the first time I watched Ju-On and spent a week with nothing else in my head. It's not like being twelve, watching The Exorcist for the first time and instinctively knowing this is one of the movies that revolutionized the industry. But it was an interesting movie, with an ending twist I did not completely guess. It kept me amused and I'd sit through it again happily. If this had made my top 20 favorite movies, I might be angry as a crow at the idea of a remake. But as it is, I can't help but simply feel nauseated and annoyed.

So, much like Tale of Two Sisters, The Uninvited tells you the story of a teenage girl who has just returned home from a mental hospital after being convicted over grief for the death of her mother and attempted suicide. She comes home to her father, her sister and their evil stepmother, who used to be Mum's nurse. The problem is, our heroine can't remember the circumstances of her mother's death, and little by little it starts dawning on her, as the ghost of her mother keeps haunting her, that the stepmother might have had a little bit to do with that. Then you have a pretty shitty twist ending. Charles and Thomas Guard did this, their first theatrical movie (which is always a good bloody sign), with Emily Browning as Anna (psycho teenage haunting victim, and you also know her from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events), Arielle Kebbel as Alex (her feisty sister who does a lousy job keeping up with her Korean counterpart, previously seen in The Grudge 2) and Elizabeth Banks as the stepmother Rachel Summers (seen very often in romantic comedies, which is also a good fuckin' sign!) I should warn you at this point that SPOILERS will haunt you if you keep reading from here on, so if you're yet to watch this and you don't like them, you know what to do.

(I also want to leave you a note that this movie should't be confused with 4 Inyong shiktak, a 2003 Korean flick which also came to the West under the name The Uninvited. What I'm reviewing here is the 2009 American version of Tale of Two Sisters, just so we're clear.)

First of all, the concept of hauntings is common to both Western and Eastern cultures. It may change slightly, but it's common (in Japan ghosts walk funny and make odd noises, and in Indonesia you have pocong which comes wrapped in its own shroud, we at this side of the globe seem to like unseen ghosts better - the poltergeist, for instance). I was sort of glad that The Uninvited decided to keep cultural visions of ghosts separate: in this, every ghost you see looks Western, no ladies in white crawling and doing odd noises for us. So, from here on, all we need is to transplant the concept and we're done, okay?

Nope. Seemingly, the premise behind the Korean version is also too complicated for American audiences. So they did take the best part of the concept away: trying to figure out when you have hallucinations and when you have ghosts. After my second watch of Tale of Two Sisters, I realized that this was slightly more complicated than it seemed at first. Since I knew what was coming - Soo-yeong has been dead all along and the stepmother might or might not have had an affair with Soo-mi's father, yet she definitely doesn't live in the house - Soo-mi might be hallucinating of her sister and the stepmother, or she might hallucinate about the stepmother and be haunted by her sister's ghost, or she might take up personas of both at different times (in the dinner party scene, Soo-mi obviously took up the persona of her stepmother), it's pretty open to interpretation. The movie does its best to subtly tell us that there are ghosts in the house, namely Soo-yeong and the girls' mother, since people other than Soo-mi see them and they can't all be hallucinating.

On their attempt to tone down the original story (or perhaps trying to complicate it to show some creativity, I'm not sure) screenwriters managed to make a split personality movie. What was the problem with keeping this movie about the four people who actually matter: the two girls, their father, and the stepmother? Instead, you get two misshaped subplots: one about Anna (playing Soo-mi's part) and a would-be boyfriend, which adds absolutely nothing to the situation and seems like an excuse to slide in two or three more spooky scenes that aren't all that spooky; and the huge - nay, humongous subplot about the murderous, identity-changing stepmother. In The Uninvited, the stepmother is pretty much real, and apparently, she does hold an affair with Anna's father, having moved in with him. What may or may not be real is the fact Anna gets haunted by a little girl and two boys who were murdered by her stepmother while she was destroying the life of another family before coming into Anna's. And by the end of the movie, we're hinted towards the "not guilty" - Anna was influenced to believe this by another patient in the mental hospital. So... what for?

One of the cool things in the Korean movie was that Soo-mi hated her stepmother for three reasons: thinking she was taking her mother's rightful place (since the stepmother pressured the father/helped commit the mother to a mental hospital and thus led the mother to commit suicide the very day she was supposed to be taken there) and harming Soo-yeong (since Soo-yeong tried to save her mother when she found her hanging in the closet and ended up suffocating when the closet came crashing down on her) but also transferring her own feelings of guilt (everyone heard the closet crashing and nobody bothered to see what was going on, and Soo-mi attempts to place all the guilt she feels for not checking on Soo-yeong into the stepmother persona). What you end up with is a very subtle and passive-aggressive hatred which, considering none of these people is actually present, sounds even more apeshit if you try to face all dialogs having in mind the only people there are Soo-mi and her father.

In the American version, Anna is the sole responsible for the accident that took her mother and sister's lives. No suicides, and the stepmother was actually having an affair with the father already. She attacks the stepmother all the same, but because of an imagined fear that she might be a murderer. The whole "murderer stepmother" subplot doesn't seem to fit well anywhere! The Uninvited ends up being more confusing and less interesting. Before, you had an easy-to-follow plotline that was highly subjective. Now, you have a pretty objective, one answer only, hard-to-keep-track-of plot!

Let me also sneak this in: what the fuck sort of unimaginative title is this? Oh, it matches the unimaginative poster like ugly shoes to an ugly purse. Right. I'm sorry.

From here on, you already know a movie cannot stand on its own legs if said legs are sound effects, special effects and acting. Especially this sort of sound effects (unimportant. Dramatic chords here and there, it would be just as bad if there was none), special effects (I see decomposed and deformed bodies are in again. Funny, I thought that had gone away with the 70's. Also, blue is the new "realistic", like brown in gaming) and acting. Let's face it: most actors in this are way out of their league. Kebbel is the only one that's ever been in a horror flick before, her part in Grudge 2 was minor, and even if The Uninvited asks for more presence, her part is still very small. Even if she did want to add up to the movie, there aren't many ways in which she could. Browning wasn't all bad, but again: this movie can't stand up on her alone.

Overall, it's a bad counterpart to Tale of Two Sisters. Watch that if you're looking for an hour's worth of entertainment, forget about The Uninvited and don't give a cent to watch this. It's one of those bland, flavorless and American-oriented flicks I find unimaginative and not really worth any money or time. I've lost the time up until now. Don't do the same!

Weekly Log - 15 through 21

Monday Jun 15

I got bad news, and worse news. Well, for me, at least. The bad news is that now that I'm gonna start working, Blind Guardian finally decided to stop by Portugal and grace the Lusitanian race with a concert. The worse news are that even if it's on a weekend, the concert is in Vieira do Minho (a.k.a. Far the Fuck Away From Where I Am) and thus, I'm going to miss it. Korpiklaani are going too. Fuck my luck.

Tuesday Jun 16

I finally got the call from the job agency. They want me to take some formative classes to get to know the product I'll be selling. While I am looking forward to working again, I usually am not looking forward to these "formative classes" job agencies dispense. I think they're a load of bull: someone makes a project, right? They teach people from the same company how it works, so those people can teach it to the job agency folk, and the agency folk in turns teaches it to the schmos and schmoettes who'll be selling the bloody thing! It's a waste of fuckin' time!

The good side of this deal is, formative classes are paid. Not by me, I mean, they pay me to attend them. Crow knows I could use the extra two days' cash.

Why would they go to Vieira do Minho...? Why couldn't they stop by Lisboa even if for one night only...? My favorite power metal band...

Wednesday Jun 17

We finally took care of the cats - went down to a vet, bought the appropriate medicine (I should also say that the appropriate medicine costs as much as lunch for four people at a regular restaurant, but we can't help it. It'd be the same with any of us: if we got ill, we'd have to buy medicine too), made the cats swallow it and called it a day. Of course, next Wednesday, we'll be applying it again, but it's all good. At least there will be no more accidental poisonings.

Then in the late afternoon, we got an unwanted visitor... a cockroach. I swear I'm getting sick and tired of them. They're way too big and way too fast - and they fly, of course. Someone is overfeeding these fiends, I'm sure. This one was as big as my old MP3 player - that's big enough to be given a name and social security number in the insect world!

I still haven't gone over Vieira do Minho.

Thursday Jun 18

My first day of formative classes, out of two. They finally told me what I'm going to sell: the bastard child of cellphone service providers and supermarkets. I'll be working in a really small store in the center of Lisboa, handing out pamphlets and trying to convince people to buy this shit. In fact, today they tried to convince me to buy it as well... and I wouldn't, which turns things just slightly more complicated.

Anyway, we studied it extensively, and I was sort of upset to see we need to know the names, models and brands of seven different cellphones. Why? Aren't they on display?! Can't we just look at the bloody price tag?

Oh well. I'll manage something. I still remember how to make some crib notes.

Vieira do Fuckin' Minho. Why did it have to be Vieira do Fuckin' Minho...?

Friday Jun 19

Second day of classes. Murphy, why do you do this shit to me? Not a breeze blew in the blazing hot, scalding red, fuckin' unbearable Summer morning. Hello, greenhouse effect. Hello, sweat. Hello, stupid sunglasses because I go blind on bright sunlight. Crow, how I hate Summer. I hate Summer so bad. If Summer was a person, I would stalk it for a very long time in a very passive-aggressive way until I drove him batshit. Fuck Summer up its ass.

Anyway, we started talking about sale technique per se... I had some fun with the simulated sales. It was Theatre classes in highschool all over again. I also got notice I can start by next Monday - go me, an extra week pay! The agency girl asked me if I had ever done it before... like it's a stretch. We're pretty much selling ice to penguins, we just need to make sure they don't realize it. It occurred to me it's a sad thing, actually - that some people go through difficulties and there's still some asshole willing to turn things up a notch. Even sadder is the schmos like me, who have no choice but to make a living assisting them in doing it.

Hey, I always wanted to make a living by telling stories... only not this sort of stories.

I think I'm over Vieira do Minho and Blind Guardian. I'll go complain at their website. What is there in Vieira do Minho anyway?! Cows!

Weekend Jun 20 - 21

Saturday was sort of damp, but Sunday was great. I had the guys over for a huge lunch that went on to become a dinner and a supper. Had very much fun, thank you.

Downloads for the week include the strangest film ever made (Rocky Horror Picture Show), the new Alestorm album (Black Sails at Midnight) and the remaining of the Hades saga from Saint Seiya.

I was wrong - I still have Vieira do Minho stuck in my throat.

Words!!

And if you're bored and have nothing to do? You write down memes. Akira's turn.

"Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ/Blog and explain what they mean to you."

Project Zero - the first j-horror game I ever played, I bought it because I had recently watched Ringu and I actually like having the shit scared half out of me. After I got used to the game to a point where I no longer sounded like a cat being skinned every time a little girl ghost popped out from under a set of stairs, I spent many a good session seeing it scare the crap half out of others. This includes the epic story of the big macho who whimpered like a little girl when someone knocked at the door mid-game. Best. Tale. Eva.

Murphy - ah yes, the ghoulish entity which chases me like a curse ever since I first took notice of His existence. The reason why I dread 1/7 of my life at the beginning of every week and never say "What could possibly go wrong?" or "What's the worse that can happen?". I started the cult to this guy - still, he won't leave me alone...

X-Men - crow, this was probably my very first fandom! Back in the day when the 80's cartoon was on TV, it was epic. And, of course, Wolverine was there. Wolverine is awesome.

Dragonball - back in the day everyone watched Dragonball. For me, it's my perfect record in anime watching: never an episode missed on the first two runs of the saga up to GT, seen in three languages, used for fanfiction (I still have the bloody thing, although it's so horrible it should be burned to cinders) and cherished until today. If I'm zapping by and it's on, I still watch it. Few anime have had that effect on me.

D&D - well, what can I say? If I could only play one game for the rest of my life, this would pretty much be it...

Ten Ways to Screw With Your Player's Heads

Some DMs are happy just playing the game. Some others, like myself, are sadistic and like to deliver mindfucks and keep players on the edge of their seats. There are ten basic moves that come in handy when you want this effect - and they're all very easy to deliver. Beware, though: use them wisely. Your players may come to recognize these signs and know what they mean. Also, ideally, every threat should be backed up with real danger, so when it's not, they'll be on their toes just the same.

#10 - The Near-Hit
When you begin Near-Hit agenda, you must keep in mind that it will affect your campaign in ways you may not want. What you will do, basically, is start taking down people around yet increasingly close to your players. It may be a series of coincidences, an all-out persecution, it depends on what's more convenient to you. Start with someone they do not know, and move on closer and closer until their next door neighbors, the party who sat next to them on the tavern last night, or the man they bumped into an hour ago. Make them feel like they are being gotten to, or that they're suffering from a series of near-hits. It may be campaign-related, it may be a serial killer on the loose, but keep things orbiting close enough that they feel they may be next.

The core of the Near-Hit is having your players feel they may be killed next. Even if it's something completely unrelated, if it's happening around them, or to people they have met before, it will work.

#09 - The Casual Warning
This is an easy to use move that will keep your players attentive for sessions after you've used it. In order to make it work all you need is a player loyal to the cause (meaning, someone who is really very hyped about the campaign) and fifteen minutes of casual chat. Like when you meet him on a bus, or for an event or night out, or even over the MSN. If you call them on purpose just to say this, it won't work.

First, make sure you speak to one player alone. It works best that way. Pick your most loyal, or the one you're sure will share the information with the rest of the party. Start chatting about life, hobbies, whatever it is you chat about. If the player doesn't bring the campaign up, do it, smoothly. Talk about last session's events, some difficult fight, an interesting dialog, a player's attitude you liked or disliked. Anything, so as long as it's discreet and your subject is the campaign.

Once you've set the stage and you're on the subject, it's time to deliver the screwing. From whatever issue you started with, swap to your warning. For instance, if you started with a combat, make if a combat warning: "You know, you got out of that one easily. If you try the same stunt with the guy I was rolling yesterday, you're gonna be all dead before the fourth round." An interesting dialog would go something like this: "It'll be interesting, seeing if you use the same skills in the near future - they can save your life, depending on the situation." Be vague enough, but specify it's going to be soon. You'll know the move hit if the player presses you for details or keeps on the subject. You may want to disclose some more details or not. A strange detail is always worth your time: "Look out for red glyphs and you'll see what I mean". Then have several people use red runes on their clothing and body and several places have red decorations, and several fiends have red seals on their body. Or a red glyph not showing up at all for a good, long while. Depending on how you plan to deliver the pain, plan to deliver the mindfuck. As long as you're casual and discreet about it, it will be delivered.

#08 - The Late but Present
As a DM, you have a duty to provide your characters with truthful information in-game. You can't just ask for a Fortitude roll and fail to tell your player his character is poisoned, simply letting him die. It says nowhere, however, that you must inform them immediately.

Let me give you a "for instance": ask a Fortitude roll to resist poison, and don't tell them how it came out. They will know the same way anyone else would: when the effects start manifesting. See, movies lie: poison doesn't usually act immediately. Check you poison tables: most poisons in D&D take a while to act, or have an immediate effect and a later effect. Use this to your advantage: if the character doesn't know he's poisoned, there's no reason why the player should. Start delivering symptoms, they'll check it out. You are required to deliver truthful information. You aren't required to deliver it immediately. For all players care, it can be an NPC who notices the illness just in time... in time for you to send the rest of the party on a quest for antidote, for instance. This is why it's useful not to plan your campaign all at once: sometimes, there is room for an extra sidequest.

Similar ways to deliver the Late but Present include some kinds of trap. You can fill a room with gas easily, players will only feel the smell by the time it's strong enough to ask for Fortitude rolls. If a corridor heats up gradually, players won't feel it immediately, especially if some of them are clad in specific ways. You can start by saying that the temperature is warmer, then say it's getting even warmer, and keep on with it until the time comes for you to say that it's too hot to bear and they're getting damage from it. Simple, effective and legal.

#07 - The Intermission
This is one of the moves to be used in session. Several hours of gaming may leave your players and yourself exhausted. You should do a small break every once in a while. How you do these breaks - or intermissions - can contribute to how the players feel once they sit down again to game. First of all, take the chance to make a cliffhanger. Ask for rolls, then announce a break. Have a door open, and call an intermission. A silhouette appears, and it's time for everyone to hit the can. Have something that will make players want to keep on playing once the intermission is over.

But the true skill is in how you call the intermission. It's nothing big, just a small threat carefully hidden in the players' need to visit the bathroom or fetch more snacks. So, do your cliffhanger, and call an intermission in such a way that implies the next part will be filled with hurt, despair and fright. I'll give you an example. Cliffhanger, and "Well, guys, let's do a little recess because I don't want anyone having to get up for bathroom breaks on the next part". Or, "Well the next part will be a little big complicated, so if you have something to do now, we'll do a little break". Of course, you can always be direct: "So next up we have something ugly coming towards you in full speed, so take the time to freshen up on your drinks."

The Intermission is an art. There are many ways of doing it, and if you master it, it can be used virtually anytime. You can be vague, but also awfully precise: if next up you're going to send them a beholder, say something like "Something will be floating your way soon, so keep an eye out while we do a recess". Is there an arrow-shooting trap up next? "Let's dodge and run the next part for the time being and find something to eat". Give little hints about what's coming up. Your players will be guessing and you'll have fun! And, once again: it can be used at virtually anytime.

#06 - The Theme Song
The Theme Song only works if you have some extra CDs lying around or an MP3 player and you're playing at the house of someone who owns a radio or sound system. It takes some work, but it's very worth it. As well you know, a DM needs to present his players with a visual aid from time to time. Some monsters are just too hard to describe, or some maps are too confusing to make out from description, and some symbols only have their complete impact if showed. But most DMs don't value the audio aid as they should. There is a reason why theme songs exist... if not, try to watch The Lord of the Rings on mute and then tell me if it's half as spectacular.

First, plan your playlist to go with your campaign. Find a battle theme, villain themes, location themes... and include a "Shit Hit The Fan" theme. It should be the last track on your playlist. Or, if you want something a little more auspicious, track number 13. During your sessions, you won't be changing songs, one of your players will. From then on, whenever something really bad is about to happen, tell your DJ to play the "Shit Hit the Fan" theme. It will take some time, but through repetition and Pavlovian stimulus, your party will learn to associate problems with that theme. You have just built your Theme Song.

From here on, you must be careful, so the Theme Song isn't lost. Make sure to play the Theme Song whenever things are about to get dirty, and you can also play it when they're not. Just remember: the Theme Song, once set, is like a small bottle of delicious liquor. You should use it in moderation to make sure it lasts for a long, long time.

#05 - The Smile That Kills
The Smile That Kills results well in small parties as well as in large, and I find it works even better if you smile slightly. Not a toothy, cheerful smile. A small, half smile. Just something that will lift the corners of your mouth, slightly close your eyes and leave no doubts in the minds of others that something horrifying has just crossed your mind. If needed, train your smile on the mirror, until you achieve the perfect mindfucking expression. It should be part Batman villain and part mischievous little kid.

At the beginning of any given game session, pick one of your players. It doesn't matter who, it works with pretty much everyone. Stare at him for a brief moment, and give him your Smile That Kills. I swear to crow you'll have him sweating. Should he ask what's up, say it's nothing and nonchalantly go over some notes or roll some dice at random. For the remainder of the session, he will wait for something hideous to happen. Be wary of this, however: don't overdo it. This is a move to be used every once in a while. If done constantly, it will lose its value and end up being considered "just the DM trying to fuck with us".

#04 - The Death Note
This should be done at the beginning of a session, and believe me, it's a mindfuck in itself. I know, because it was taught to me by the first guy ever to DM a game in my presence. I would now like to share this wisdom with you. And no, we aren't going to give strokes to criminals worldwide while being featured in hideous gay fanfics. Stay with me, I'll teach you something or another.

Like with every other tactic, there may or may not be a real threat behind the trick. However, it is my solemn advice you won't pull the trick without real threats too often, so players will always be kept in doubt. Pick a sheet from your notes (which may or may not contain something cruel and unusual) and place it next to you, written side down. With a smile and a casual demeanor, tell your players (if they don't ask you) that they will loathe the day you need to turn that sheet written side up.

From here on, it's very simple. Have the separate page marked, and always place it written side down next to you. It will haunt them in their dreams. A good way to adapt this move to your needs is using the (true) Death Note to write the stats for your final fiend. On the end of your campaign, when the time comes to fight it, very slowly pick the note and turn it around. If you had a score to go with it, it would be perfect.

Of course, you can also do a faker. Keep the sheet turned down for several sessions. At the end of one of them, put it back and say they dodged a bullet by an inch. The end of a dungeon is a good time to do this. If they ask you to check it out, because there's no more danger, refuse. Say you may still need it for another dungeon. That will keep them thinking. And if anyone calls your bluff... by all means, do plan something terrifying for your next session.

#03 - The Pile of Notes Method
As a DM, you certainly need to keep some notes. Some of you might work them out in a laptop, in which case this won't work. In order to pull the Pile of Notes Method, you need to have paper notes.

Pick a pile of notes to leave in a secluded place. They can be D&D notes or any notes - so as long players cannot read them. If it's a location away from your own home, your bag will have to do for revelation. If you're in your own house, you can put up a show. It doesn't have the same impact to pull a pile of notes from inside your bag as pulling them out of a chest under your bed. Anyway, the important thing here is presentation. Have your pile of notes tied with a red band, or inside a black folder. From here on, you're ready: get your session going, normally, and wait until the players do something that they think will upset you. Make a few minutes worth of silence, pull your pile of notes (slowly enough so they can see it's notes), take them out of the folder or untie the band, and put your fake notes somewhere in between the others.

You may or may not want to do a follow-up from the Pile of Notes move. You may want to shift your notes from time to time, check things from the fake pile, smirk a little - but it's the pulling of your notes from their concealment place that matters. This may keep your players from the smartass remarks and paying attention to you for the rest of your session. And, of course, you can always prepare something truly terrifying from time to time to back up your threat.

#02 - The Mysterious Roll
One of the advantages of being a DM is the DM screen. Nobody can see your rolls. The relationship between a DM and his players must be absolute trust and honesty for a group to use a DM screen in gaming: your players must trust that when you roll 10d6 and get all numbers below 5, you tell them so. In the same way, you must respect such a trust so that when you roll 10d6 and get all numbers below 5, you tell them so. Of course, you can take a wonderfull and fully trustworthy advantage of nobody being able to tell what you're rolling. Could be a d6 for the next damage... could be a d20 for crow only knows what.

The Mysterious Roll has two variants. Their Mysterious Roll, and Your Mysterious Roll. Their Mysterious Roll is rather deceptive, and may bring about the rage on your players: simply ask them to roll a d20, and don't tell them what it's for. Some players might find this a violation of the aforementioned trust: it may be a roll for something, it may be a roll just to check how their luck is today. So I'd rather have Your Mysterious Roll - protected by the DM screen and without players knowing what you're up to, roll some dice at random. If they ask what you're rolling, tell them something cruel. "I'm rolling for something cute", or "I'm rolling for something nice, warm and squishy". Again: you may have something planned... now, or two sessions from now. Or, you may be rolling dice at random just to fuck with them. After all, you all trust each other and a DM should not violate his player's trust... that doesn't mean he can't fuck with them a little.

#01 - The Silent but Deadly
This is very simple and can become a gaming method of its own. And no, I don't mean you should fart during a D&D session. Visual and audio aid is nice, but if your party is caught somewhere in the Bog of Eternal Stench, they probably don't want to know how it smells.

If you've been playing with the same people for a while, they will seek signals for when the shit hits the fan on you. The twinkling of the eye of someone who is about to unleash pain and distress on his players. The grin of one who has something on the bottom of the bag and needs but an excuse to bring it out. If you've ever played poker, you know how this sort of scanning works. And you also know how to beat it: poker face. You don't even need to bluff. In fact, if the party is scanning you through characters, plain scrutiny, or via direct questions, they may see through your overcompensating buff. Instead, remain indifferent: say nothing, answer to nothing, keep a straight face from one end of the campaign to the other. Don't let them see they surprised you, don't let them see you're about to fuck them up. Keep from threatening, passing comments (and wind) or chuckling. They'll never know what hit them.

Of course, this invalidates every other taunt and scheme to screw with your player's heads. This is something to be done over time, so they get used to seeing your straight face and fear something horrible is being concocted behind your ever-watching eyes. It is a game method - a delicious game method, but a game method nonetheless - you may or may not choose to apply. Me, I like a little variety: plant a doubt here, raise a fear there. But if you want to make this your way, and think you can do it right... let the game begin.

Weekly Log - 08 through 14

Monday Jun 08

Monday started off slightly decent. Then in the late afternoon, I heard a high-pitched bang, meant to inform me that Kid Bro's computer had just magically been converted into what experts call "crap". Mum threw a tantrum saying she was tired of messing with things she doesn't know jack about, so I got up from where I was sitting and decided to try to fix that shit again... although I don't know jack about it either.

Called support, and learned that they actually don't provide support for wireless connections. I swear I wanted to ask them why the fuck they do provide wireless connections in the first place, if that's the case. It pisses me off that there's an operator on the other side of the line giving me bullshit I already know, and then revealing for the first time since past September that they don't know how to fix it either. I felt like actually yelling at her and asking to speak to someone who has some authority in the company. I didn't, though, because I've been on the other side of the line and I know the operator isn't always at fault. They could only get me a paid technician from another company and we can't afford that, so I got fuckin' angry and took my frustration to the computer. Managed to get it to work for yet another day, I'm not very sure how, since I did what I had already done three thousand times before and it finally decided to comply.

I get so bloody tired of this, sometimes...

Tuesday Jun 09

Mum discovered today that there is no more money in my account. Why? Well, because it was spent of course... she wanted to go shopping and thanks to crow I decided to withdraw some money at the ATM before venturing inside the supermarket. Or maybe not, maybe if she had to put up with the humiliation, it would sink on her that spending money the way we do is not a very good call. Every month by this time she tells me I should manage the household income... that's because it's usually by this time every month we run out of cash. Still, as soon as some more money enters the account, we're back to square one.

Oh, Kid Bro's computer also went to Hell. Good riddance, I'm not trying to fix that thing again. Call the bloody support, you put up with them now.

Wednesday Jun 10

Looking into social networks. I never liked these things - MySpace and hi5 and Facebook and Twitter and so on. I'm only signed up to websites to either keep favorites neatly in one place (YouTube, Gametrailers) or where I also use the forums (GameFAQS, Cracked, The Escapist). My Mum, who lately took to wanting to sign up to these, wants to find friends online, so I decided to take a check. She finally picked MySpace herself.

It's usually very hide to swim against the tide. I have several friends on hi5, as well as one of my favorite bars. I've given a thought before into joining an online network. Then I wake up: please! I can hardly keep this blog going, let alone have the patience for a hi5 site!

Thursday Jun 11

Mum told me maybe she oughta go back South. Or that one day, I will, in that auspicious way the girls in The Shining did. "Come play with us, Danny... forever and ever..." Frankly, just the thought of spending a week down there sounds to my ears like a sentence to solitary confinement. And even if I take my grandparents out of the picture and place a computer and working connection... nope, still sounds like a shit situation.

Why would she want to do this, if she has a good job here? She thinks we might be better off, since as it is, we're always in a bad mood. Uh-huh. Like I have no reasons to be in a bad mood: I've been unemployed since crow knows when, I'm juggling bills, I'm tired of sacrificing what I want to do and where I want to go for cash when Kid Bro doesn't, I've had to get pissed at the Internet provider three times in the past week, I'm cutting on the cigarettes, it's too hot for me these days, I'm worried about some of my friend's well-being for about two weeks now, I haven't been sleeping properly and when I do get to sleep, they wake me up for stuff my brother could very well do since he slept eight hours and has been up for a while! Add to the fact that I don't go out and don't have a job, boyfriend or cash, and I'm not really very keen in seeing Pops these days since he keeps complaining about shit I have no power over as if it was my fault, and that most of my days I'm sitting here, bored to tears... crow, why ever am I cranky?!

I hated that, really. Didn't even want to dignify it with an answer. I feel like a 4 year old being told by her parents they're leaving so she stops doing shit and behaves... guess how it contributed to my general mood?

Friday Jun 12

Seemingly there is a plague of giant insects going around. My cousin has been facing giant moths. And I - I have cockroaches.

This time, it happened while I was getting everything ready for my session tomorrow (my D&D session, you twat, I don't go to shrinks). I heard some noise behind me, so I turned around to see something the size of a bloody fridge magnet crawling up my posters. Having been programmed to flee on the sight of these bugs by many generations of females before me, I fled the room and called someone older, wiser and responsible for said programming: my Mum. As soon as she laid eyes on that behemot, she was a hair away from fleeing the house altogether and calling the firemen. Still, we armed ourselves with the vacuum cleaner and after some panicking, we sucked the roach in. We then decided unanimously to vacuum some roach poison as well, cover the vacuum tube and wait.

What is it about roaches that scares women so, I wonder? I think it's been imbued in our genetic code for eons to fear them. I usually am not very upset by bugs, and yet...

Weekend Jun 13 - 14

Amazingly, Saturday 13 June (which I usually consider like a day that could've been pretty damn ugly if it had happened just 24 hours earlier) was awesome. I left home to play D&D with a group by 2 PM (and be dishonored and ashamed when we suffered total party annihilation at the hands of 5 CL3 creatures - we were 3 level 7 warriors, so that is pretty much disgraceful and awfully funny), some board games too, had a pasta dinner and then moved on to the bar.

One of my top 3 bars was holding having a folk party and it was epic. I drank, I ate, I told stories, I heard stories, I listened to medieval music and folk metal. Then shortly past midnight one of the guys from the bar did a fire spitting show which was great. I had a lot of fun.

Then on Sunday, Mum started up a new Pokemon Blue game... which I need to half translate for her, but she loves all the same. This prompted me to fire up my old Silver. We are now both addicted. Believe me, this will take us weeks. I have no life!

YouTube Wednesday with Eddie Izzard

...HAHA... oh wow... aha....

Weekly Log - 01 through 07

Monday Jun 01

Oh Monday... get the fuck out of here. Seriously now, get the fuck out of here. Fast. Run. Fly!

Tuesday Jun 02

Today, once again, I decided to crawl up the tailpipe of the wretched machine known as Kid Bro's computer. That thing is the bastard child of a nuclear reactor and a toaster. Ever since it came into my house, I've had no bloody rest. It is the tech equivalent of a small child: it whines, it pouts and it throws tantrums from time to time. And I, as the horrible mother I will be if I ever mess up my prophylactics, have no patience for that sort of shit from a kid, let alone a machine.

The Internet is off every other day. The computer refuses to be shut off unless you pull the main plug. Since Kid Bro can't give to fucks about where he's surfing or what he installs, it's ripe with a virus infection that at some point will only be solved through amputation. Every time I need to work with that piece of shit I am reminded of why I am glad to be working on Ubuntu, and whenever I consider reinstalling Windows, I need but five minutes working with it to discard the idea for another few months. And I'm really no technician, I am actually almost illiterate as computers are concerned... still, it's always up to me to keep that motherfucker alive for one more day. I dream of a time when I will finally be able to toss it out the window and dance on its charred remains.

Accomplished very little today too. Managed to reconnect Internet... for the time being. Because I know in a couple of days it will drop again, and I will have to make my way up that bloody toaster's ass once again.

Wednesday Jun 03

Bored today. Very bored. Sort of feel like going out. I haven't gone out at night in a while, and the weather seems to be very agreeable towards late night walks. In the Winter it sucks: it's rainy, and windy, and cold... and since you've usually drank your share if you're walking about at three in the AM, you don't feel any cold, so by the time the booze wears off, you're blue from head to toe. But in Summer, you're fine: it's cooler in the night, you're not roasting under the greenhouse effect-filtered Sun, and if you pick a good night, you won't probably see any stars but may get a pale full Moon.

I feel like getting out at night from time to time, even if it's just to get some air, smoke a cigarette, watch the stray cats and look at how quiet this piece of rubbish forgotten by crow is during the night... if it was. See in this area, you either are out at eleven PM, or at five AM, because in between those two periods, you'll likely get mugged, raped, beaten, murdered, or all of the above, not necessarily in that order. And I'm not even one of those people who get paranoid about this... but when a tribe of fifteen assholes camps under my window for several days in a row, breaking bottles and shouting until someone calls the cops on them, I do sort of fear for my hide.

Thursday Jun 04

Mum decided this was the perfect day to apply some flea-killing poison on the cats. I read the bottle instructions... and you know, there's only one family member per household who takes times to read labels before fucking up, in this household that's usually me: Kid Bro tells someone else to do whatever needs to be done, and my Mum improvises. I actually take a while to read shit, if for nothing else, to make fun of it. You know: "Do not use heavy machinery after popping these" on Kiddie Aspirin... and I'm wondering how many 4 year olds have been responsible for freak accidents involving caterpillars after sucking on aspirin.

At any rate, the bottle mentioned it might be a bad idea to use the product on very thin animals (check), very young animals (check) and on too strong a dose on any animals. Mum mixed the product, and I must say it would be a gross understatement to call that a too strong dose. It irritated my eyes, let alone the cat's. I asked her several times if this really was a good idea, pointing out the instructions and getting answered the same every time: Grandpa used it on the dogs and they were fine.

Well, apparently I was onto something here, I don't care if Grandpa's dogs had been alive since Laika went into space. Because about 20 minutes after she sprayed that shit on the kitty, he started twitching, meowling, vomiting and shitting itself. I swear by crow and all things sacred: at one point, the bloody cat became stiff as a plank and moved about ten feet across the living room without moving its paws. I spent the best part of the night waiting for the kitty to die, actually. I was pretty much convinced it was going to die... still, it held on. It's a tough furry, I think it'll be okay (unbeknown to my Mum I have poured the rest of the flea poison down the bowl... she will find out eventually, once she decides it is time to do it again, after which I will have to remind her about the spectacle of a small kitty doing the fan with its tail while it pisses itself and moves across the room like a psychotic dildo).

But you know what really brought my snot to a twist? I spent most of the night wondering if this little kitty was gonna kick the bucket... and in the morning, I found a flea on its belly... alive and well, it seems.

Friday Jun 05

Went to a couple of bars with some friends tonight. The greatest thirty-so feet I know on this side of the river. Three decent bars in a row. Even if some things did go wrong with today's outing, I couldn't care less: I was out of the house. I drank warm wine with cinnamon, beer and shots. When I entered the house, it was morning. And I don't care what the odds are, I'm going back on the 13th: they're having a folk metal party, with mead.

Weekend Jun 06 - 07

Maybe there is something to that moisturizing thing. I kept drinking water on Saturday, and the hangover was pretty much nonexistent. I didn't drank that much, but you know what happens after a good dose of beer with no eating in between.

Anyway, I spent a good bit of the weekend watching Saint Seiya and reminiscing about being something like eight and watching the Portuguese subs. Yeah. Someone really screwed up those, you know? For the first two weeks watching it, we thought the Andromeda Saint was a girl (as well as the Aries Saint, for a shorter period after his first appearance though) and I don't really blame anyone for this. It's a shonen, but an odd shonen, you know...? Everyone is a bit... androgynous. Long hairs rule here, and by the time you reach the Pisces Saint... well. That's a boy too, I'm afraid. His name is Aphrodite but... the coolest guy ever to be written by R. A. Salvatore was also called Artemis... although I doubt Artemis had baby blue hair and... well, don't bother.

'The Alphabet Killer'

People have realized a while ago that murderers are fascinating people. They have different modus operandi, different callings, some are spur of the moment people, some plan ahead, some stage their corpses in different ways, some eat them and some rape them, or all of the above if you're dealing with a true blue batshit psycho. Over the years, several movies have been made based on the life and times of different serial killers: about three or four different criminals were used for Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs and a whole (very boring) film depicted the way of the Zodiac killer. All of these usually have a small sentence at the bottom of their movie poster saying "Based on a True Story", so that we can go home a little more uneasy, knowing that somewhere at this very moment, someone is squashing a prostitute into a tub like an orange and bathing on the resulting gore with a rubber duckling.

The Alphabet Killer (2008) is a serial killer flick. The very tag line of this is also "Based on a true story", but you and I can't be fooled, especially after being told pearls such as The Exorcism of Emily Rose and A Beautiful Mind are also based on true stories. Perhaps a more correct way to put it would be "Ever So Slightly Based On True Stories Which We're Not Positive If Ever Really Happened In the Way We Portray". Still, after watching it, I must say I understand why that sentence was included in the advertising and at the beginning of the movie. It's an excuse, of course. It's the screenwriters and production saying that they can't help it if it's an 1h40 bore, because the story IS boring.

The plotline follows detective Megan Paige, played by Eliza Dushku... Paige is trying to catch a criminal known as Alphabet Killer... a guy who kills young girls with the same initials. You know: the first victim is Carla Castillo, then you have a Wendy Walsh, and then a Melissa Maestro... while this actually is based on a true story, it is the weakest MO for a killer I have ever heard about. On a weak attempt to make the story a little more interesting, we're given a subplot of detective Paige struggling with schizophrenia-slash-ESP so she is discredited, dramatic, suicidal and suffering from a bad case of the shakes. Long story short, she sees victim's ghosts. You will also see quite a few SPOILERS from here on forward, so if you actually want to take a look at this, stop reading before I start with the really heavy complaints.

The plot is already very limp. Apparently obvious clues that even the crew of TV's CSI could pick up (or their average audience members for that matter) are forsaken in favor of giving the impression that detective Megan Paige is a tortured genius of investigation. From the moment you have two or three victims with so much in common, including the church they go to, the movie should've been over: pattern is found, killer is found, end of story. Police departments are actually a little bit smarter than that. It baffles me how nobody else could find out that all three girls frequented the same church, so that detective Paige can do it at a point in the movie where pretty much everyone thinks she's a loon. I like to call this a manipulated plot: whoever wrote this loved Megan Paige and made up their whole story around her. They chose to have all other cops on this case apparently wanking around to give the impression she is actually the only officer who does some work around there. A work that ceases being recognized from the moment she starts going nuts.

Concerning the schizophrenia or ESP subplot... I can understand why it was put here. Schizophrenia and ESP have become increasingly popular in cinema on the past few years. With a weak plot built around an unsavory character, screenwritters wanted something that would spice up the story. It is obvious to me they were going for ESP, especially after the intro speech Paige gives off-screen at the beginning of the movie: in a case like this, everyone you want to talk to is dead. In the meantime, they decided to try and balance things towards schizophrenia, and failed miserably because the charade was killed on the first minute of screening. The ability to contact the dead, get driven mad by them and eventually being haunted by them forever and ever in the mental hospital should have perked up the story a little, make it more interesting, hide the very obvious ending twist... but it didn't. Audience is used to ESP on a story at this point, and they've seen it portrayed much better than it is here.

And what we have here, overall, is a poor use of a tried-and-true resource. This is not a whole movie made about ESP and ghosts, what matters here is the killer, and as such, ESP has to be used in moderation and at the right times. It should subtly lead our "heroine", provide hints perhaps, push her a little when she's about to give up on a particular lead. ESP in The Alphabet Killer was used as a way to get cheap thrills and descredit Paige (again - a manipulated plot). If indeed the ghosts of the victims wish Paige to solve the case, why do they pop at at the worst times, making her cower in fear and get locked up in a mental hospital?! What is the point of the whole church scene, other than scare the living lights out of Paige?! I mean, it's not even particularly imaginative: little girls, looking dead, black contact lenses, it's a wrap!

You can spot this killer about a mile away from a certain point in the movie, too. Always suspect a guy who shows up in a killer movie with the sole purpose of being the person closest to the lead actress and who has an apparently obvious reason NOT to be the killer. I usually do. There are no more good mysteries: it's usually the person who has obvious reasons not to be the killer, or someone cleared as a suspect at the beginning of the investigation. Eighty-five or so percent of what I've seen lately is like that. And, of course, since the real case has never been solved, the story cannot end well: Paige is finally locked up, tortured by the ghosts, and closes the movie saying that she must get out to catch the guy. Bullshit ending for a bullshit ending twist. Gee, the killer was the person the lead character trusted the most! I never saw that one coming!

The music is overdone for this movie. I feel like everyone thinks they're John Williams at this point. Effects, like I typed before, are sorta cheap. And now, ladies and gentlemen, my biggest complaint about this bloody thing. Brace yourselves. I am going to very much enjoy this, and I hope so will you: here comes.

Eliza Dushku is the biggest fuckin' flaw in this flick. There you go.

Before watching The Alphabet Killer, I decided to read some reviews. Disliking official newspaper and magazine reviews, I took to the Internet. The Internet is just as flawed, make no mistake, but people here seem to be less stiff about saying they wasted two hours of their time on Earth watching bullshit. I was frankly amazed at what I got: everyone kept writing that Eliza Dushku was the star of this. Eliza Dushku made the movie worthwhile. Eliza Dushku was amazing in this, and, quote, "soooooo pretty". All the while, I was asking myself: who the fuck is Eliza Dushku? After watching the movie (and already thinking Eliza Dushku sucked), her face did seem somewhat familiar, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. I once again took to the Internet and... oh fuck. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Angel. Tru Calling. The Unholy Trinity of Poorly Thought-of TV for Teens.

Turns out, Eliza Dushku was Faith in the first two, and lead actress of the last. That's from where I knew her: I actually watched the first few episodes of Tru Calling. She belongs to that generation of young actors nobody wanted to see outside of TV... or even inside it! Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Boreanaz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, you know what I mean. Unfortunately, all of them were already catapulted onto the big screen, and so was Eliza Dushku. And back me up here: they can barely pull acting skills to manage more or less comic teenage TV series, let alone a bloody movie! And The Alphabet Killer stands as the why. Dushku acts her part as if she was very conscious she is doing a shit character in a shit plot for a shit movie. Someone told her, on set, that she should do the face she did in Tru Calling whenever she had to run... constantly (I mean do the same face constantly, because she spent over half the airing time of the episodes acting as if she had explosive dhiarrea). No emotion, and the few she attempts to show (accompanied by close-ups, of course, so people can actually see the subtle changes in expression that aren't there) are so fake she would do best to use a Richard Nixon mask. She blows chunks!

(And she's not that pretty either, IMHO. I can do the same effect on my eyes if I take twenty minutes to apply my make-up.)

The movie is not worth watching. Plain and simple. Remember Room 6, which I reviewed a while back? I am tempted to put them together, although The Alphabet Killer is slightly more agreeable visually and has slightly better effects. But seriously now: not worth watching. Go watch a better serial killer movie. Go watch The Black House (2007). Go watch Voice of a Murderer (Geu nom moksori, 2007), that was nice too.

Summer Releases 2009

I find it most depressing to check out what movies I can look forward to during the Summer. It's a ritual I do on the first week of June almost every year, and every time I do, it seems to me like the movies get worse and worse.

2009 was no different: I sat down this afternoon and decided to check what was coming "to a movie theatre near you" (which is bullshit, because the nearest one is some 40 minutes away on public transportations and the one that was actually down the street from here now belongs to some Catholic variety of church) and... well, why don't we run through them together and I'll tell you the hows and whys, okay? Keep in mind I'm not saying these are all going to be shit: I am only telling you how they sound... in three months, we can check if they were actually as bad as all that.

- Land of the Lost (space-time vortex comedy for kids in which some deadbeat scientist, his smartass assistant and a redneck are sucked back in time so that dinosaurs are featured in the flick. Perhaps amusing if you're 10. Boring and unfunny at my age, and someone please shoot Will Ferrel. He should have never left MadTV)

-My Life in Ruins (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-The Hangover (flashback comedy in which three guys are trying to figure out how the fuck did they lose a friend during his own bachelor party, two days from his wedding... sounds like something on the lines of The 40-Year Old Virgin, do not want)

-Imagine That (comedy for the whole family with Eddie Murphy finding the answers to life in his would-be daughter's imaginary land. Eddie Murphy, by the way, is one of those guys I'd rather watch doing stand-up than family flicks. I've seen my share of his family flicks, having almost snored my way through most of them. If The Haunted Mansion wasn't the most boring shit I sat through in 2003, it wasn't very far from it. I don't really care for family flicks anyway, so this is out of my league)

-The Taking of Pelham 123 (action remake, 'nuff said - although the plot sounds rather nice. Some nutjobs take a whole subway train's worth of hostages and will shoot one every minute until the ransom is paid. Denzel Washington is in it, yay! So is John Travolta, eww!)

-Year One (caveman-ages comedy with Jack Black. Two lazy cavement are kicked out of their tribe and must fend for themselves... do I really want to watch this? I love Tenacious D and Jack Black has made me laugh in the past, quite often so, but... caveman-ages comedy? This sounds like some four or five other movies I've seen in the past: staged in ancient times for modern pun purpose...)

-The Proposal (romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock - enough fuckin' said!)

-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (a sequel that seemingly will wreck whatever the first one had of good. I'm not even going to say why: watch the trailer and tell me if you think any differently. The first Transformers movie was swallowed with some difficulty - I'm pretty sure there is no mug of beer big enough to make me swallow this one)

-Public Enemies (gangster drama with Johnny Depp... seems to come in the same line of work as The Libertine and feature a similar acting style. Here's how I see Johnny Depp: he's very versatile, looks good on the big screen and is probably one of the biggest wackos in Hollywood, which is actually a good thing. There are movies starring him I loved... and then there are movies starring him that I hated, usually the romances. I found The Libertine a near 2-hour yawn... even if set in the crazy 20's, I don't think this will be much better. Still, Christian Bale is there too and Michael Mann produced Hancock and Heat, so I'm a little tempted to watch it)

-Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (the second was already lousy. This will probably not make it any better)

-I Love You Beth Cooper (aff... teenage romantic comedy... if you ever catch me watching one of these, you can stop the DVD because they're torturing me... sole exception being The Breakfast Club, which wasn't really much of a comedy and had very mild romance)

-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter again?! How many bloody novels are there?!)

-(500) Days of Summer ("an offbeat romantic comedy", said the plot, and I didn't want to read any further)

-Orphan (American horror movie based around a little girl, which I will most likely watch and then rant about. Nothing new here.)

-The Ugly Truth (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-Aliens in the Attic (sounds like a bad duplicate of Goonies to me, with a little Signs tossed in for good measure: OMG teenagers must save their community from aliens hiding in the attic! Fuck off...)

-Funny People (after I read about this comedy in which a comedian has a near-death experience, I yelled in horror for almost a full minute and came close to having a near-death experience too. I'm sorry, Adam Sandler has that effect on me)

-G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (well, G.I. Joe fans, welcome to the horror we at other fandoms have lived in for several years now: your fandom will now be adapted into video for the delight of the masses who had never heard about it before. It's a screwed-up situation, isn't it?)

-When in Rome (romantic comedy set in Rome, 'nuff said)

-Julie & Julia (Meryl Streep? Might be go- oh wait, it's also a romantic comedy. 'Nuff said.)

-The Time Traveller's Wife (drama-romance about a guy who suffers from Chrono-Displacement Disorder and his wife... it sounds like The Butterfly Effect, which wasn't half bad, and despite Eric Bana being in it... I don't know. If the drama is not too snot-faced, tear-stricken and filled with overacting, it may actually be a half decent film. Or not... I decided to check what Chrono-Displacement Disorder is: it means he time-travels out of the bloody blue... damn this IS a copy of The Butterfly Effect! Plus, the original novel was written by a woman. How much money do you wanna bet that it's a blubbering drama?)

-The Post Grad Survival Guide (sexual situation-based comedy about a college grad who returns home and walks nose-first into the iron post of adult life along with a family of crazy stereotypes. Probably narrated in the first person. Unimaginative, seen it, boring ad infinitum)

-Inglorious Bastards (a movie about a mass collision of the French resistance, German officials and Americans soldiers in a Nazi-conquered France. It's described as a "war-action-comedy", and it's made by none other than Quentin "I'm-completely-fuckin'-apeshit" Tarantino. I usually like his movies, so I'll probably take a look, but I'm not setting my hopes up too high... it's a remake)

-The Boat That Rocked (a comedy about four radio DJ stereotypes set in the 60's... doesn't sound particularly interesting up first, but since it is an interesting decade for music, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. I didn't like the "rated R for sexual content" reference, those are usually comedies based on naked situations in front of important people, and those don't really... float my boat)

-Final Destination: Death Trip 3D (in the name of crow and all things sacred, another one?! Let me tell you something... as a horror movie enthusiast I've seen all three Final Destination, and I have this to say about them all: good concept, shitty actors, poor delivery. Now they're putting it in 3D, which is like adding a spoonful of battery acid to an already pretty acidic pot of bile. I don't think I'll be caught dead watching this one, even if I am saved from Death sometime during the end of August!)

Weekly Log - 25 through 31

Mon May 25

Ah, Monday. I got a call from Pops early in the morning, urging me to get to the garage and help him with some bullshit. In return, he'd pay for my lunch and my gas bill. While it annoys me like a stone in my shoe, I still had to make my way down there. We've been taking cold water showers, and it's not hot enough for that yet.

I wrote the receipts, I took care of what needed taking care of, I had grilled fish and salad for lunch (which was rather nice), and then I made for Lisbon. Pops wanted me to go deliver one of the receipts to an insurance company and bring back the check. If we're gonna wait for them to send it via mail, it won't be here before the end of the month. Pops also warned me that they'd probably tell me to go pick it up some other time instead of delivering it to me immediately. I laughed... if I'm headed for Lisbon and going out of my way, I was bringing that check back. Oh yes I was. Once at the insurance company's office, they told me it might take a good while. I took a sit (not at the waiting room, in front of the attendant's desk) and said I'd wait. In fifteen minutes and despite the fact there were people ahead of me on the line, I had my check and was making my way back to Pops'.

I hate people who have a secure job and won't do what they're paid for. Especially when I get to an office, there are two people chattering behind their respective desks, and three other guys are waiting to get their respective checks and be on their way.

Tue May 26

An interview today - I'm starting on the seventh for a 2-months job. While it's not exactly what I wanted (I was hoping for something on the six month contract line or more), it is something. My tax refund also came back, €60, which wasn't bad, all things considered. Since Mum will get paid sometime this week, I may have a go at finally taking a look at the new Star Trek movie. So it seems that for this week, stuff is actually looking up from the usual bubbly, lukewarm puddle of shit I dwell in. The writing quota is actually on time and I even started a project to pay my Internet bill based on the premise of cutting my cigarette consumption by half... not bad, Seion. Not bad at all.

Wed May 27

Mum got paid, so it's final: I'm watching Star Trek! My inner child stopped hollering like a brat and rejoiced. My physical response to it was starting to download the whole of the original series.

Thu May 28

Utterly bored. Utterly, absolutely, completely bored. I am so bored you could play games on me at this point. I am also lacking seriously in the humor department.

Fri May 29

Still very bored. Watched The Uninvited (2009), which is the American response to A Tale of Two Sisters. It is so shitty I could smell it even while it was in post-production. How did I watch it? Internet. I was very curious about it, as curious as one is when faced with a car crash by the side of the road. While I was hoping to review it separately, let me say this much for now: I don't plan on being nice to it.

Weekend May 30 - 31

Saturday. A friend and I saddled up and marched to the theatre (he actually drove me there, but you get my drift) to, once and for all, watch Star Trek. A lot of bullshit there, but it actually pulled better than I expected - I enjoyed watching it! I actually enjoyed watching a movie from an ass-old franchise made today. Goes to show you, miracles happen everyday...

Still, I must say this... what is the bullshit with Spock and Uhura? First off, this has to violate one or more rules of the United Federation of Planets. Seeing as the Federation goes by more or less the same ruling as naval forces, two officials on board of the same ship cannot be romantically involved (notice that James T. Kirk did a lot of bedding in his day - a LOT of it - but never with members of his own crew). Then... why? What was the logical purpose of that? Well, in a way, I know. For the whole of the movie the director tried its best to reveal to the audience that Spock has emotions. The peak of those would be having a romantic relationship. Still, we knew Spock could feel in the old series without the need of a specific female aid... of course, this is 2009, and both audiences and screenwriters are not only dumber, but also have forsaken the meaning of the word subtlety... even so, if you ignore the bits in which it happens, it's very watchable.

A friend stopped by on Sunday and dropped Detroit Metal City on my lap (almost literally, as her laptop is the size of my all-purpose notebook), I have now seen the whole series plus OVA and it's bloody awesome. I went on to pass it to a few of the guys so they could also bask in the awesomeness of it. You can get the twelve episodes of it via direct download here, as well as the ongoing translation of manga volumes. The OVA is worth a watch, there's some chuckling to be had there, you can find torrents for it easy peasy. On other downloads, like I mentioned before, I'm working in getting the Star Trek original series, and - once and for all - the complete Saint Seiya, Hades chapter included.