'The Alphabet Killer'

People have realized a while ago that murderers are fascinating people. They have different modus operandi, different callings, some are spur of the moment people, some plan ahead, some stage their corpses in different ways, some eat them and some rape them, or all of the above if you're dealing with a true blue batshit psycho. Over the years, several movies have been made based on the life and times of different serial killers: about three or four different criminals were used for Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs and a whole (very boring) film depicted the way of the Zodiac killer. All of these usually have a small sentence at the bottom of their movie poster saying "Based on a True Story", so that we can go home a little more uneasy, knowing that somewhere at this very moment, someone is squashing a prostitute into a tub like an orange and bathing on the resulting gore with a rubber duckling.

The Alphabet Killer (2008) is a serial killer flick. The very tag line of this is also "Based on a true story", but you and I can't be fooled, especially after being told pearls such as The Exorcism of Emily Rose and A Beautiful Mind are also based on true stories. Perhaps a more correct way to put it would be "Ever So Slightly Based On True Stories Which We're Not Positive If Ever Really Happened In the Way We Portray". Still, after watching it, I must say I understand why that sentence was included in the advertising and at the beginning of the movie. It's an excuse, of course. It's the screenwriters and production saying that they can't help it if it's an 1h40 bore, because the story IS boring.

The plotline follows detective Megan Paige, played by Eliza Dushku... Paige is trying to catch a criminal known as Alphabet Killer... a guy who kills young girls with the same initials. You know: the first victim is Carla Castillo, then you have a Wendy Walsh, and then a Melissa Maestro... while this actually is based on a true story, it is the weakest MO for a killer I have ever heard about. On a weak attempt to make the story a little more interesting, we're given a subplot of detective Paige struggling with schizophrenia-slash-ESP so she is discredited, dramatic, suicidal and suffering from a bad case of the shakes. Long story short, she sees victim's ghosts. You will also see quite a few SPOILERS from here on forward, so if you actually want to take a look at this, stop reading before I start with the really heavy complaints.

The plot is already very limp. Apparently obvious clues that even the crew of TV's CSI could pick up (or their average audience members for that matter) are forsaken in favor of giving the impression that detective Megan Paige is a tortured genius of investigation. From the moment you have two or three victims with so much in common, including the church they go to, the movie should've been over: pattern is found, killer is found, end of story. Police departments are actually a little bit smarter than that. It baffles me how nobody else could find out that all three girls frequented the same church, so that detective Paige can do it at a point in the movie where pretty much everyone thinks she's a loon. I like to call this a manipulated plot: whoever wrote this loved Megan Paige and made up their whole story around her. They chose to have all other cops on this case apparently wanking around to give the impression she is actually the only officer who does some work around there. A work that ceases being recognized from the moment she starts going nuts.

Concerning the schizophrenia or ESP subplot... I can understand why it was put here. Schizophrenia and ESP have become increasingly popular in cinema on the past few years. With a weak plot built around an unsavory character, screenwritters wanted something that would spice up the story. It is obvious to me they were going for ESP, especially after the intro speech Paige gives off-screen at the beginning of the movie: in a case like this, everyone you want to talk to is dead. In the meantime, they decided to try and balance things towards schizophrenia, and failed miserably because the charade was killed on the first minute of screening. The ability to contact the dead, get driven mad by them and eventually being haunted by them forever and ever in the mental hospital should have perked up the story a little, make it more interesting, hide the very obvious ending twist... but it didn't. Audience is used to ESP on a story at this point, and they've seen it portrayed much better than it is here.

And what we have here, overall, is a poor use of a tried-and-true resource. This is not a whole movie made about ESP and ghosts, what matters here is the killer, and as such, ESP has to be used in moderation and at the right times. It should subtly lead our "heroine", provide hints perhaps, push her a little when she's about to give up on a particular lead. ESP in The Alphabet Killer was used as a way to get cheap thrills and descredit Paige (again - a manipulated plot). If indeed the ghosts of the victims wish Paige to solve the case, why do they pop at at the worst times, making her cower in fear and get locked up in a mental hospital?! What is the point of the whole church scene, other than scare the living lights out of Paige?! I mean, it's not even particularly imaginative: little girls, looking dead, black contact lenses, it's a wrap!

You can spot this killer about a mile away from a certain point in the movie, too. Always suspect a guy who shows up in a killer movie with the sole purpose of being the person closest to the lead actress and who has an apparently obvious reason NOT to be the killer. I usually do. There are no more good mysteries: it's usually the person who has obvious reasons not to be the killer, or someone cleared as a suspect at the beginning of the investigation. Eighty-five or so percent of what I've seen lately is like that. And, of course, since the real case has never been solved, the story cannot end well: Paige is finally locked up, tortured by the ghosts, and closes the movie saying that she must get out to catch the guy. Bullshit ending for a bullshit ending twist. Gee, the killer was the person the lead character trusted the most! I never saw that one coming!

The music is overdone for this movie. I feel like everyone thinks they're John Williams at this point. Effects, like I typed before, are sorta cheap. And now, ladies and gentlemen, my biggest complaint about this bloody thing. Brace yourselves. I am going to very much enjoy this, and I hope so will you: here comes.

Eliza Dushku is the biggest fuckin' flaw in this flick. There you go.

Before watching The Alphabet Killer, I decided to read some reviews. Disliking official newspaper and magazine reviews, I took to the Internet. The Internet is just as flawed, make no mistake, but people here seem to be less stiff about saying they wasted two hours of their time on Earth watching bullshit. I was frankly amazed at what I got: everyone kept writing that Eliza Dushku was the star of this. Eliza Dushku made the movie worthwhile. Eliza Dushku was amazing in this, and, quote, "soooooo pretty". All the while, I was asking myself: who the fuck is Eliza Dushku? After watching the movie (and already thinking Eliza Dushku sucked), her face did seem somewhat familiar, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. I once again took to the Internet and... oh fuck. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Angel. Tru Calling. The Unholy Trinity of Poorly Thought-of TV for Teens.

Turns out, Eliza Dushku was Faith in the first two, and lead actress of the last. That's from where I knew her: I actually watched the first few episodes of Tru Calling. She belongs to that generation of young actors nobody wanted to see outside of TV... or even inside it! Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Boreanaz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, you know what I mean. Unfortunately, all of them were already catapulted onto the big screen, and so was Eliza Dushku. And back me up here: they can barely pull acting skills to manage more or less comic teenage TV series, let alone a bloody movie! And The Alphabet Killer stands as the why. Dushku acts her part as if she was very conscious she is doing a shit character in a shit plot for a shit movie. Someone told her, on set, that she should do the face she did in Tru Calling whenever she had to run... constantly (I mean do the same face constantly, because she spent over half the airing time of the episodes acting as if she had explosive dhiarrea). No emotion, and the few she attempts to show (accompanied by close-ups, of course, so people can actually see the subtle changes in expression that aren't there) are so fake she would do best to use a Richard Nixon mask. She blows chunks!

(And she's not that pretty either, IMHO. I can do the same effect on my eyes if I take twenty minutes to apply my make-up.)

The movie is not worth watching. Plain and simple. Remember Room 6, which I reviewed a while back? I am tempted to put them together, although The Alphabet Killer is slightly more agreeable visually and has slightly better effects. But seriously now: not worth watching. Go watch a better serial killer movie. Go watch The Black House (2007). Go watch Voice of a Murderer (Geu nom moksori, 2007), that was nice too.