Forgiving Gameplay

So I was checking out a few trailers for Braid (you know - I sometimes do check things I know I'll never have, just to keep in touch with new games coming out. When someone tells me Old Franchise 5 and Final Sci-Fi [Insert Roman Numeral Here] are alike, I wanna know what I'm being told) and when reading a description of the game features, I came across this wonderful expression which I would like to approach for a while.

The expression is "forgiving gameplay".

This, my good people, is a direct copy and paste from Greenhouse's website. "(...) The game doesn’t force you to solve puzzles in order to proceed. If you can’t figure something out, just play onward and return to that puzzle later. (...)" Well then... can you tell me what the point is? As I recall, when you're playing a game - specifically, a puzzle game - you overcome certain obstacles to reach a goal. If you can just ignore a difficult part, play onward and then go back whenever you "feel like it", what's the point of having an obstacle?

It's hard to fit in my brain that I can pick a game already programmed in case I'm a little slow. I understand where they were going with Braid. It's a game made as a critique to the way most games do things, it's social and political metaphor... the problem is, it comes in a time and context in which much of that is lost. This is an era where 2 billion bozos can log onto the same virtual community, find naked mods to their characters and be general douchebags in complete anonymity. This is an era in which whatever puzzles we are faced with during gaming are so one-sided and simple anyone can figure them out. This is not an era when people like to think when playing games, and they seek the simple satisfaction of being able to shoot someone or something without consequences. I see where the creator, Jonathan Blow, was going with this. And I don't criticize Braid in ways other than this one: the story is open to interpretation, the game is aesthetically wonderful and it's a side-scroller like we hadn't seen in years. By the very philosophy behind the game, having anything other than forgiving gameplay would be paradoxical and useless...

Still, I read about the concept in Wikipedia, and the idea still wouldn't fit my brain: you can finish this game without solving most puzzles, so as long as you destroy bosses. In several conferences and intervews, Blow urged gamers not to consult walkthroughs and instead try solving the puzzles themselves. I'm all pro this as well, Blow, in fact unless we are playing a graphical adventure in which it is virtually impossible to make it without a guide (Persona 3, looking right at you), we usually feel much more rewarded for surpassing a difficult part of the game on our own. It makes us feel good, in harder puzzles it makes us feel like flippin' geniuses. And I'll quote Blow himself on this: "(...) unearned rewards are false and meaningless (...)". I absolutely agree - but the fact is that we're in a time when playthroughs are available on YouTube half an hour after a game's release, and further help can be found online. That was before, my good man. When I began gaming, we didn't have guides or Internet... we still finished games. You have made a pearl of a game perhaps, but you are giving it unto people who go by the rules of trying three times and then checking a guide. If there wasn't a token for finishing each puzzle, I can bet you anything most people wouldn't try to finish puzzles at all, and just side-scroll their way to the ending!

Then again, maybe I am wrong. Maybe people will take the challenge, and try to get all tokens, and do something with their brain for a change.

...or maybe not. This is an instant gratification society. This is a place where people will praise you for everything you do - every little thing! You have to either work really bloody hard, or not at all, for your accomplishments, and most people don't have to work hard. Everyone is so afraid of traumatizing their children they keep telling them they're special. So when running freely through the meadow of understanding, it comes as quite a shock to slam face-first into brick wall of reality. If people get praised for very little, they will never try to achieve the very hard. I see this everyday. So yes, this is a good concept and appropriate to the game - but I fear what this innovative feature will do to gameplay as we know it. We'll go from very easy goals to no mandatory goals at all. And if so, what's the point of playing a game?

And then again, maybe I'm blowing this completely out of proportion. I happen to think people could use a little more challenge, a little more of something that would make them think, a little working hard for rewards, a real chance to miss and fail, something that would make those two remaining braincells hump each other and produce thought... or a real chance to get stuck in a game unless they figure it out. It's just a game, after all.

YouTube Wednesday with... Retro Anime!

If you know more than three, you're either a fanboy or old. While I don't know most, all of them make a rather agreeable background noise when you're writing comic relief.

May 25 - Universal Jedi Day

Most of you probably didn't know (I didn't) but today is the Universal Jedi Day. To celebrate, I decided to gather a few facts and trivia around the Internet concerning the Jedi directly or not, including movie curiosities. My second choice was to write a long and boring post on the reasons why I take the newest triology as an offense, but I decided to go with this for the sake of my peace of mind and to prevent eye-straining on the readers (if any remain). So here they are. Have fun! And since it's Monday, may the Force be with you...

• Thousands of Australians during a national census have been known in the past to put down their religion as being "Jedi". Now it seems the first "Jedi Church" is in the making thanks to brothers Barney and Daniel Jones of Anglesey, Wales. They claim to have up to 400.000 members worldwide, with 80 of those physically in Anglesey, and base their religion on the teachings of Yoda to promote inner peace. They have also offered to start up lightsaber fighting classes when construction is completed.
• Return of the Jedi was originally entitled Revenge of the Jedi. The title was change because revenge was not considered to be an emotion that was worthy of a Jedi.
• The Jedi Code of Honour: 'There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no Death, there is the Force.'
• The Sith were originally named The Damned, but due to the debut of a British punk band with the same name in 1977, Lucas was forced to dub over the word "damned" with "Sith" in post-production. To this day, George Lucas hates punk rock.
• The line "I am your father!" remained a secret to the very end - even for actors. During filming, everyone had a different script, which read "Luke. You are your own father!", which confused actors and film crew alike. Lucas had to concoct a huge lie about time traveling in Return of the Jedi to keep it all together. Furthermore, to keep the ending an absolute secret, Lucas had James Earl-Jones saying "Obi-Wan killed your father!" at the time of the filming. He dubbed it over later.
  
• Only six people actually knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father before the premiere: George Lucas, director Irving Kershner, screenwriters Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, Mark Hamill and James Earl-Jones.
  
• The character of Yoda (including his trademark way of speaking) is based on the Dalai Lama.
• To make them sound more menacing, Darth Vader's footsteps were recorded in an underground tunnel near the Golden Gate Bridge.
• The first two Star Wars movies showed Obi-Wan and Luke using blue light sabers, while Darth Vader used a red one, leading fans to assume (correctly) that blue was the standard light saber of the Jedi, while the Sith always used red ones. Luke was indeed supposed to have a blue light saber in Return of the Jedi. But his scenes on Tatooine were shot in bright sunlight, and a blue light saber didn't show up well against the clear sky (if you look, in the first two movies a light saber was never used in broad daylight), so the color was changed to green. To maintain this diversity of light sabers, the next trilogy showed many Jedi using green light sabers (especially Qui-Gon Jin) and Mace Windu using a purple one. But in fact, all Jedi light sabers were supposed to be blue.
• Upon being spoken in A New Hope, the line "I've got a bad feeling about this" was spoken in all three films of the series. It would later be spoken in all movies in the next trilogy.
• The name of Emperor Palpatine was supposed to be Palatine, from the movie Taxi Driver. The name was changed to avoid any legal problems, but the Emperor's name was still never spoken in the movie.
• George Lucas revealed he had Yoda confirm that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father because of a consultation Lucas had with a child psychologist. The psychologist told Lucas that children under 12 years of age tend to believe that the bad guy never speaks the truth. As such, unless the information was confirmed by a reliable source, the audience would always remain in doubt.
• At one point in the scripting process, the Force was a large crystal / galactic Holy Grail known as "Kyber Crystal".
• In Italy, Darth Vader became Dart Fener, the reason being that "Vader" in Italian sounds too close to the common noun for the toilet bowl.
• Darth Vader was the first character George Lucas created for the story.
• The lightsaber sound effect is a combination of the hum of an idling 35mm movie projector and the feedback generated by passing a stripped microphone cable by a television.
• The word "Jedi" is derived from the Japanese words "Jidai Geki" which translate as "period adventure drama." A period adventure drama is a Japanese TV soap opera program set in the samurai days. George Lucas revealed in an interview that he saw a "Jidai Geki" program on TV while in Japan a year or so before the movie was made and liked the word.
• The movie's line "May the force be with you." was voted as the #22 of "The 100 Greatest Movie Lines" by Premiere in 2007.
• The character name Obi-Wan Kenobi appears to allude to the following definitions. OBI - a form of belief involving sorcery, practiced in parts of the West Indies, South America, the southern U.S., and Africa. And a charm used in this belief system. WAN - Archaically meaning dark or gloomy; also pale in color or hue, meaning decline in ability (referring to dotage of the aging Jedi). KEN - knowledge, understanding, or cognizance; mental perception. range of sight or vision.
• Han Solo is the only non-Jedi/Sith in the entire original trilogy to ever use a lightsaber.
• Surprisingly, the most famous line of the saga is misquoted! Although everyone always remembers "Luke. I am your father!", what Darth Vader actually says is "No, I am your father!"
• When Vader throws the Emperor into the shaft in Return of the Jedi, the brief image of a skull can be seen superimposed on his visor.
• Return of the Jedi is the only movie in the original saga where Darth Vader doesn't Force-choke someone.

Weekly Log - 18 through 24

Mon May 18

Sitting on my mailbox this morning was an e-mail written in English, offering me a job. Someone who apparently had gotten my resume and wanted to offer me a job paying €1.800 for an administrative position, working from home. My first reaction was going "Score!" and getting hyped about it... however, when I tried to check which ad I had answered for them to offer me such a position and realized I hadn't. I had answered an ad for the same company, but it wasn't an administrative position - I answered for store employee.

This puzzled me, so I replied asking for more information. In the meantime, I checked the company website. My suspicion grew. My cousin said it best when I showed it to him: "I could whip up a website like this in ten minutes and have all the links working." The website was a plain blank html-based sheet with text in Times, no pictures, no colors, no buttons. All links were broken, I had to access them by inserting the missing www - it looked unfinished, and it sounds odd to me that a company bragging they made a 2 mil profit last year would do something like this. As a plus, the Portuguese version of the website was written in an odd Spanguese (you know - half Portuguese half Spanish) while they claimed to have Portuguese agents. It all sounded too jaded (and too good) to be true.

Tue May 19

Someone from Human Resources at yesterday's company called me today - a call from abroad. I spoke to him for some time in English, but if something, it only contributed for my suspicions to grow. He explained to me that the position was offered to me because there had been delays in the opening of a store in Portugal - the company was in California! It still seemed too good, especially because even without speaking to me or knowing if I had the means to work from home (functioning computer, fax machine, working telephone, the works), they were already sending me contracts. I investigated some more.

A Google search revealed nothing about the company. They work in supplying gourmet food to restaurants, and there was no mention to it anywhere. They claimed to have stores here, there and somewhere else, so I tried Google Earth for the stores location. Again, nothing. I checked for their name in supplied lists, on gourmet food websites. Jack squat on them. I even called Consumer Defense to ask if they'd check it for me. As it turns out, they won't do a thing for anyone unless you're a registered user. You need to subscribe to their magazine, it isn't exactly free, and I don't exactly have the cash for a subscription right now. So... yeah. Now, do I send them the signed contract and leap, or...

Wed May 20

For the past two days, I was killing my head with that company's offer. Especially after double-checking contracts: I need to pay for Welcome Kits even before I have a customer list. If this was a fake company, I could be in trouble. And nothing indicated it was: the crippled, beginner-like website, the lack of general information, the fact I couldn't find mention to the company or even company locations where they should be on the Internet... even the Human Resource guy way of speaking was... well. It could very well be that this is a legit company, but did I want to risk it, in my current financial situation?

I decided to ask for advice. My Mum said it would probably be best if I forgot about it. I asked my cousin, he said the same. I decided to forget about it. They did promise €1.800, which was very tempting, but without previous proof, I probably shouldn't sign anything. And I've always been suspicious of job offers where I'm not interviewed over the phone or in person before I'm given a contract. Back to square one for Seion.

Thu May 21

I got a call for a job interview tomorrow: a 6-month job, inserting data into systems. Very sweet pay, which would probably allow me to get my bills in order for a while. I had lunch with Pops today as well, since I once again was asked to walk by there and do some office work for him. It pisses me off a wee bit that after he stopped paying me, he wants me to help. But hey, I get a free lunch and I usually don't pay for transportation either. And unless I have an interview, it's not like I have anything else to do...

Fri May 22

Went to the interview: two women asking questions, one of which was a "doctor". I hate getting interviewed by "doctors", and here's why: all of those I met thought they were too self-important. And if you're not submissive enough, they don't want you no matter what the job is. They tend to linger on everything bad about you and don't measure the good stuff... I'm not saying they're all like this, but the fact is that most of those I met WERE like this. I got the impression the doc didn't want to hire me, but the other woman did... they said it was a job to start next Monday so they'd contact me today still. Since up until now I didn't get a call, I'll presume it's another blank.

Weekend May 23 - 24

Epic weekend. I went out for coffee with the guys on Saturday night, and a lunch date on Sunday. I got there 2 hours late (both because I was waiting for my brother and sort of dozed off, and because getting a bus on a Sunday is as easy as using a q-tip with boxing gloves. My friend at Project Salvation gave me a copy of Resident Evil 0 (thank you so much! I'm liking it a lot!) since they sent him an extra one from abroad. My plans for the rest of the weekend from then on were finishing that baby - no stealing this weekend.

Ten Urban Myths... Busted!

#10 - Kid dies after eating Pop Rocks candy and soda pop.
The Myth: according to the myth, you shouldn't drink soda or carbonated soft drinks after eating Pop Rocks - some people would say, in fact, you had to wait up to three hours so you'd complete digestion before drinking soda. Why? Because "some kid" once ate six bags of the stuff, followed by six cans of Pepsi, and the ingestion of so much carbon dioxide caused his stomach to explode. There are many variations of the myth, including one where the Pop Rocks are replaced with Mentos and the soda's place is taken by Coke.

The Origin: apparently, none. There are cases of people who sued the company responsible for Pop Rocks because their kids had a tummy ache after consuming the candy, but after much lurking about, I could not find any evidence of exploding children. Since Pop Rocks do their trademark "popping" through carbonation, I can see how this probably began: someone did the maths. Carbonation from the candy plus carbonation from the soda would result in an air-filled stomach, which could lead to a less pleasant "popping".

The Busting: as previously stated, there is absolutely no evidence of exploding children. While some kids seem to have felt sick after eating an enormous quantity of Pop Rocks, some kids also feel a little sick after eating an enormous quantity of anything else. Besides, let's be reasonable here. Pop Rocks and its copycats are designed so that they pop and eventually disappear on your tongue, very little of it actually reaching your stomach. And we all know what the direct consequence of drinking carbonated drinks is: gas. You're either going to burp it out, or fart it out. In any case, chances of your gut bursting because of too much carbon are slim if any.

#09 - LSD-laced rub-on tattoos.
The Myth: rub-on or lick-and-stick tattoos for kids, a usual prize on several brands of snack, are actually laced with LSD in an attempt to get kids addicted to the drug as soon as possible.

The Origin: this is an old one - it started during the 70's, of course, when LSD was the shit. Back then, the drug was manufactured by lacing blotted paper sheets with drops of LSD - you chewed on the paper or tab, and the drug would get in your system. The problem was, these sheets of paper were printed with cartoon characters before they were sold. At some point, someone assumed that the same paper was used to manufacture lick-and-stick kiddie tattoos, and the panic began.

The Busting: let us, once again, think logically. You are a drug dealer looking to expand your customer list. Who's your potential new customer? Surely not kids who still have chocolate bread and chips as a snack, and who still think having a rub-on tattoo on their arm is cool... you see, kids back then were not the same as kids today. They didn't carry ATM cards, most of them received a small allowance if any, and surely didn't have the financial means to maintain an LSD addiction. Even if it's a rub-on tattoo with LSD addiction. And, once again, not one of these rub-on tattoos was ever found to contain any material hazardous to children, adults or animals. The whole thing seems to be a fad, like platform shoes: you hear about it from time to time, but every single time you do, it's bullshit.

#08 - Kidney theft.
The Myth: there are so many variations of this one out there, it's hard to keep track. Sometimes it's a guy who meets a girl in a bar, she drugs his drink, and later on he wakes up in a tub filled with ice. Sometimes, it's a guy traveling cross-country who gets strapped to his hotel bed by strangers and then drugged for surgery. Sometimes it's people getting lured somewhere with promises of employment or free medical exams, and walk out of there one kidney short of a full person. Whatever the version is, the story always ends up the same way: the victim manages to get help, either by calling emergency or dragging themselves to a hospital, and once they are examined, they discover one of their kidneys is missing. The doctors usually inform them that their kidney is probably for sale at the Black Market.

The Origin: the only origin I could find for this was a 1991 episode of Law and Order. From time to time, you hear news about people who sell their kidneys or corneas when they're stranded for cash, most of which come from the East: China had a reputation of running a regular organ trafficking mob (they do, in fact, harvest organs for transplant from death row inmates), Turkey as well, and by the time you get to India, you even find stories of people selling one of their lungs! Of course the next logical step in this is that if organs can be sold like possessions, they can also be stolen...

The Busting: again - no evidence of such. There was never anyone found in a tub of ice, there are no records of anyone going to the hospital because they were missing a kidney, no people ever died due to organ theft. Nothing. In fact, the National Kidney Foundation of the USA got so tired of these rumors, they have urged anyone who was ever mugged for a kidney to come forth. Until now, not a single person. In 2008, several people in India were arrested for alleged organ theft. Upon verification, the original call was made by someone who still had both kidneys. So yeah, it's pretty much bullshit.

#07 - Perfume samples that can get you robbed.
The Myth: be it in a parking lot or out on the street, someone will approach you saying they sell branded name perfumes very cheap, and promptly offer you a sample for you to sniff. After which you fall unconscious because the perfume was actually ether. Afterwards, you are robbed / raped / kidnapped. I got an e-mail urging me to be careful about this not a week ago.

The Origin: unfortunately, this one can be traced back to a real life event. A woman in Alabama claimed she had been robbed out of 800 dollars like this. Someone gave her a perfume sample to sniff, and she came to half an hour later. Her story was sketchy at best, since part of the money wasn't hers, but her employer's. It should also be kept in mind, several perfume companies hire men, usually in pairs, to sell perfume door-to-door or out on the street.

The Busting: the original case was blown out of proportion. Medical exams on the allegedly attacked woman found jack squat... and let me repeat, yet again, something I have been telling everyone for the past years: Hollywood lies. In movies, all it takes is a couple of whiffs of ether to send your leading cast unconscious, but that's not how ether works. Ether is highly volatile, evaporates easily, and a couple of whiffs of it are not enough to get someone knocked out. There is hardly a substance powerful enough to knock someone out just by sniffing it. Several people have filed reports of having been "almost robbed" after two men approached them asking about perfume... this meaning, several women were approached by perfume salesmen after reading the e-mail, and panicked. Other versions of this perfume scare have been circling around, some claiming it is poison, a virus - all rumors. No evidence backs any of this up. So chill out a bit. Salesmen and Jehovah witnesses can be annoying, but not necessarily deadly.

#06 - Go in with popcorn, come out with AIDS.
The Myth: there is a movie-going psycho out there leaving HIV-infected needles in theater chair cushions everywhere. Stop going to the movies. (steal everything from the Web and watch in the comfort of your own home!)

The Origin: there are known cases of people sitting down on theater chairs and ending up finding something unpleasant. Used condoms seem to be usual, as well as pins and needles. But upon examination, none of these people evidenced symptoms of HIV. Not right after the incident, not until now. The "innocent bystander gets AIDS" legends have been around since the disease showed up. People have been scared of needles in pay phone slots, night club chairs, toilet seats and pieces of candy handed out during Halloween.

The Busting: no evidence to support any incarnation of the tale. People have been pricked by objects left in theater chairs, yes - but none of them got HIV from it. Several complaints were filed, theaters were sued, but no HIV in sight. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful, but don't immediately stop going out to have fun because someone might have left an HIV contaminated needle on your seat.

#05 - Pissed Corona.
The Myth: Mexican beer Corona contains urine from brewery workers. That's how they get the lightness, foamy top and trademark color.

The Origin: the slur began in 1987. Back then, two beers were running for favorite in the USA: Heineken and Corona. Guess who started the rumor? A Heineken distributor, seeing its sales become jeopardized by Corona's popularity, urged grocers to pull the product from their shelves on grounds the beer was tainted.

The Busting: it is a typical bar insult - your beer tastes like piss (although I would very much like to know how these people can tell what piss tastes like). The fact is that quality control done over the years ensured we're not drinking piss from Corona or any other beer, and that the aforementioned Heineken distributor was sued heavily for starting the below the belt campaign against its best contestant. Heineken lowered its head and paid a very agreeable sum in damage counts without contesting anything. So rest assured, pop a slice of lime in the bottle and enjoy your beer.

#04 - Taiwanese special: fetusburger.
The Myth: people were both fascinated and disgusted by several pictures of a Taiwanese girl or man buying, cooking and eating a human fetus. There go your chances of convincing your significant other to try that Taiwanese restaurant around the corner.

The Origin: the Internet (what else...?).

The Busting: as it turns out, Taiwanese view cannibalism in the same light as the rest of the world: ewww! Like most people, Scotland Yard and the FBI took the pictures seriously and decided to look into it. As it turns out, the pictures were part of a conceptual piece called Eating People made by Chinese artist Zhu Yu, and came to light at a Shangai arts festival in 2000. The "baby" was made from a duck carcass and doll parts.

#03 - Hell is discovered by Siberian expedition.
The Myth: it's been out in the Internet for years, and if you've been around for a while, you probably not only read about it, but also heard the audio clip that comes along with it. It seems there were a few scientists drilling ground in Siberia, and drilled so deep they eventually found Hell! They found this so astonishing they decided to lower a microphone down to the bottom, and the recording that came back featured the screams of the damned.

The Origin: it all began in 1984, with the drilling of an experimental well at the Kola peninsula, Russia. They reached about 12 km into the ground and encountered rare rock formations, flows of gas and water and temperatures up to 180º (whereas the "Hell found!" scare mentions temperatures of up to 2000º - holy shit!) Sure, they found stuff down there that was of scientific interest, but Hell it wasn't. The audio clip came later on, only crow knows from where, and was not recorded by the original crew in charge of the digging.

The Busting: you all know how these stories are spread. Someone hears something, and then tell it to someone else, and add a little more detail until the tale you get has nothing whatsoever to do with the original one. The discovery got into the hands of a Christian broadcasting station, and then into the hands of a Finnish schoolteacher, getting featured afterwards in a religious Finnish publication and finally reaching the USA where it suffered a little more embellishment. When you finally heard about it, it had gone through several languages and different stages of biased views. And the clip? Well, find yourself one of those older cassette recorders (the kind that adds that buzzing sound to any recording) and you can do one yourself, at 2 in the morning of a Saturday in any busy bar near you.

#02 - Carrots make your eyes better.
The Myth: remember when your parents convinced you to eat your carrots on grounds that if you did, you would never need to wear glasses?

The Origin: well, there is something to the myth. Carrots contain beta-carotene, which may reduce the risks of cataract and general eye degeneration. Of course, none of us has a beta-carotene intake high enough to assure we'll never have eye problems. The actual myth started in WWII, when the British air ministry spread the word that a diet of carrots helped pilots spot Nazi bombers attacking at night. The lie was made up to cover for what really was helping British pilots: the Airborne Interception Radar, a then recently developed system.

The Busting: yet another scheme to get you to eat your veggies, I'm afraid. While a deficiency of Vitamin A (which carrots have) may cause the inability to see well in poor light, and the condition is usually treated by adding carrots or another source of Vitamin A to the patient's diet, there is absolutely no proof that eating carrots improves your eyesight. In fact, there are side effects to eating carrots 24/7: not only can it cause carotenemia (a condition that makes your skin yellow or orange, made popular by being featured in an episode of House, MD) but Vitamin A, like most things, is toxic in large dosage.

#01 - Microwaving food in plastic containers causes cancer.
The Myth: everyone is afraid of the big C, and some research shows that microwaving food in plastic containers releases cancer-causing agents into your food. The microwave-made containers sales go up, people start to like glass dishes again, and Tupperware is fucked.

The Origin: Internet! Actually, from what I've been reading on this subject, people will believe anything a man in a lab coat who calls himself "doctor" tells them. So when one of them decided to go on live USA television to warn people that they might get cancer from their Tupperware, they believe it. It's as simple as that. After all, nobody would bear the "doctor" title falsely, and a doctor wouldn't trick us, isn't that so?

The Busting: first and foremost, people believed this because it is possible: when you heat something up, it releases chemicals. And there is a possibility you consume a lot of chemicals daily in this way, not just from food, but also from the brand new shirt you wore straight from the store, from the toothpick you placed in your mouth and even the sanitary pads women wear. All of these release chemicals when heated up by external source or body temperature - but they are not harmful up first or in the long run! Most plastic containers nowadays are all microwave-ready, plastic water bottles don't contain dioxins, and all utensils and containers meant for cooking undergo a process of control to ensure nobody will die from heating up their frozen lasagna in Tupperware. So unless you own Tupperware from the early 70's, you're in the clear. And if you do, you shouldn't place it in the microwave anyway. Not because of cancer, but for the same reason you shouldn't place them in any oven. It might melt.

Weekly Log - 11 through 17

Mon May 11

... that is all.

Tue May 12

Got a call from the agency, warning me once again that my interview is tomorrow and that I should dress formally. I went through my wardrobe until it became clear I am the proud owner of no formal shirts. Which, at age 23, makes me proud. I never found anything so important or rated any event so highly that I needed to dress formally for it. Not weddings, not jobs, not funerals... unfortunately, that is about to change today.

I went to Pops' workplace, and after explaining my situation (and hearing him complain we waste too much money - thanks, Pops, that actually makes me feel better I'm unemployed!) he agreed to lend me some cash. I went to the mall with Kid Bro, bought myself a "formal" shirt and still had some cash left to buy him a t-shirt. We had lunch there too, and then came back home.

You know what bothers me? The interview is on the 13th. Call me superstitious - but Murphy and I have been at it for many years and I know he doesn't let this sort of opportunity pass by.

Wed May 13

I dressed formally today. To tell you the truth, it was a relief to get all that shit off me, since I felt trapped inside a wooden crate with "Copy" printed in bright red ink on the front. I arrived on time to the interview (early, even) and did my best to look, sound and act peachy. A lot of more personal questions were involved at this point, and those are the ones that actually doom me. Experience of several years has taught me what I want to answer is usually not what people look for in a new employee.

Over the course of the past few weeks, people who know I have been trying for this gig have advised me to remain positive, smile a lot and try to be nice and friendly. While being "positive" is a challenge in itself, I have tried my best to look and sound employable. That meaning, being just like the people I have seen employed over me in the past. Today, I not only dressed formally, I also did several rituals to look more like what they're looking for, although I think this is a facade and likely to be found faster than if I did like I usually do and simply was myself: I took special care with make-up and concealing the bags under my eyes, I spoke in a more agreeable tone of voice and stamped a smile on my lips that would make Barbie green with envy. Because apparently it doesn't matter how skilled you are, it matters how good you'll look behind a counter.

The question I felt less at ease with was "Give me a good reason to employ you". This, of course, is a trick question meant to see what you value about yourself as a working person. From beneath layers of Highly Employable Fashion (which was, might I add, very well accepted in the interview, as the interviewer herself spoke at length about nail and make-up care and told me I had no problems there), Seion hollered an answer I knew I couldn't give. As such, I attempted to tell her what she wanted: what I value about myself as employability goes. This being, I actually give a shit about doing my job, and I consider myself more responsible than half the people I see behind counters these days, who will answer their phone at will and leave to smoke a fag in expedient time. I said this in a more professional way, but that was the gist of it. Another trick question was asking me what my greatest achievement was. My gut instinct told me I never achieved anything more than fairly easy and meaningless goals, and as such I had to settle for the enrollment in college. (which was not so much an achievement as writing a free pass for a few years worth of bullshit).

I guess I need to wait now, and see how it goes.

Thu May 14

Goodnight nurse. The call I've been dreading for three weeks finally arrived. "We are sorry, you were disqualified on the interview". Now as I promised myself, I will insult anyone who comes talk to me about positivism or The Secret bullshit again like a tennis machine with Tourettes. Because I am a negative broad and I have tried my best to do all the pussified things people told me I should. I have been positive, I have kept hope, I have been nice to people, I have smiled, I have tried to see things in a less harsh light, even when my gut feeling told me I was being an idiot. So yeah, anyone who comes around tooting that shit happen to me because of my attitude will be yelled at until their body absorbs back their ears in an attempt to protect the brain.

Now that I have regained control of my normal self, excuse me while I go in a 24 hour bout of drinking and creating new and improved ways to cuss, because that's what I do best and it tends to make me feel slightly better.

Fri May 15

After several hours of booze and curses I now feel like a regular human being and can resume the normal course of my day: mailing resumes, posting ads and dooming the fact I wasn't born a squirrel. I went to another interview this morning, got a call yesterday for a job on the other side of Lisbon. It's far the crow away, but the payment seems intriguing.

I was surprised at the reaction of the interviewer. He said he loved my resume and that I seemed to fit the wanted profile for the job. He asked me if I would be willing to go to the company itself for an interview today, and I of course said yes. So either today or on Monday, I am to expect a call from him. I can tell you already there was no call today.

Weekend May 16 - 17

Crow. I won't be sad if I don't hear anything about jobs and interviews for the whole weekend. I think it's more unnerving to be on the lookout and waiting for interview results than having a job you know how to do and can do easily.

A lot of movies were seen this weekend, as usual, I don't know if I'll have the time or availability to review everything. I seem to have fallen in a Stephen King loop: I saw Cujo the other day, and Riding the Bullet a while ago, as well as Misery and IT (which I am excited about reviewing, actually, since I have a lot to say about it). Add to this that I've seen The Shining (years ago), Carrie and several straight-to-video ones over the past few years. I also wish I could write a review for The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I saw again this weekend, but every time I try to do it, I just don't know where to start. Is it possible I have met my match and this is truly an absolutely indescribable movie? I mean, it's crazy enough that you have to watch it to even believe it was done...

My downloads have not been very famous, and the lack of DVDs or the cash to buy the good stuff (because games lag on the ones I get at the chinese store) has rendered me without new stuff. So I am completing the old stuff: finishing all acolytes in SH:0, getting all endings in Shinobido, trying to pass a bloody difficult level in Demon Stone, trying to get all collectibles in Bully, thinking of restarting a game of the original Silent Hill, trying to get a better rank in RE:Veronica... it's at times like these I am sure I march to a different drum. Everyone's hyped about the new generation consoles... and I'm going back to the origins. I've given some thought to trying to plug in my old Genesis and see if it still works...

'Cujo'

I wanna leave very clear here that I am not a fangirl. I have brushed (vigorously and with enthusiasm) on the border between fangirlism and keeping most of my braincells intact, and as such I have made it through 20 years of fandoms with only a few minor vocabulary quirks, a couple of strange (if awesome) hairdos and no tattoos of the Federation logo, Wolverine claw marks, Freddy Mercury's face, Dragon Ball #3, Triforce, Raistlin's eye or The One Ring. I do, however, like Stephen King's books a lot - which does not bar me from admitting the man managed to tap the key to primordial and irrational fears once, and has been tapping it so often for so long and with such strenght it's now stuck and melted down to bullshit. But I shall approach that in its own article, for now, let's get to the point.

I tend to look back at a time when Stephen King's books weren't bullshit and he still had the gift with love. The man could pick up a ride in the subway, arguably the most boring moment of your day, and make it so that you'd soil your pants just thinking about it without resorting to any of the existing clichés. It is because of this I love Cujo - it could happen to anyone whose balls Murphy decided to bust on a Monday.

So Cujo shows you the worst days of Donna Trenton and her son Tad's life. Which would be, locked inside a car for days in the peak of August while a rabid St. Bernard keeps close watch waiting for the moment to rip away a steak off their frail, soft bodies. Directed by Lewis Teague in 1983 (Lewis Teague being responsible for the very funny if Indiana Jonesque The Jewel of the Nile in 1985), it featured Dee Wallace (recently seen in Halloween's remake), Daniel Hugh Kelly (in its debut, although he would later show up in several TV series and Star Trek: Insurrection) and Danny Pintauro (as little Tad, being hired for the series Who's The Boss? afterwards. Also did anyone else find it odd his last name is "Pintauro" and the car he and his would-be mother get stuck in is a Pinto?)

From here on, as usual, rabid SPOILERS will be watching closely, so close this browser window if you have no interest in ruining movies for yourself.

I liked Cujo for several reasons, aside from the fact it is a situation likely to happen to anyone with industrial amounts of ill luck (like, for instance, me) and it having been made in the 80's, before the era of the CGI. It was beautifully made, making the best use of trained dogs and effectively explaining the setting in the first ten minutes without a single line of dialog: this is a huge dog who gets rabies and it's only a matter of time until something horrid happens. It is also a movie that, if made by Disney, would feature a series of close shots of the dog's eyes implying a "Kill Me" wish as if the dog was actually conscious in there somewhere and actually wanted to stop ripping throats off people. And probably a shot of its teenage owner crying as someone lifted a double barrel onto its poor, disease-altered nose. Which would be wrong, because that's not how rabies acts, and would turn an otherwise decent thriller into a tearful drama.

Instead, you get the fairly faithful picture of what a St. Bernard with rabies is like. It's a huge dog, a heavy dog that usually wouldn't harm a fly but which happens to be mad. Sure, it's not anyone's fault (but his asswipe owner's, who didn't give it proper shots, and the man dies - badabing), surely not the dog's, but this is hardly the time to pity it - it wants to kill you! This is a problem with modern day horror: it somehow wants to make you see situations from the threat's point of view. And I do, really. This is not an evil dog, it's a sick dog, but that doesn't alter the fact it wants me dead!

There is also a subplot-like story about Donna Trenton, our heroine du jour, who has a successful, loving husband and an adorable 4-year-old, but still decides to cheat. Her husband finds out about it as he is about to leave on business, and so they're in bad terms by the time she is faced with the dog. I still don't know how I feel about this, seeing as apparently she is cheating out of boredom (and I can empathize with doing stupid stuff because you're bored out of your bloody mind, but that's not the point). The point is: how does a tragic-romantic subplot fit in a story about a maddened dog? Normally, it wouldn't: this is about Donna, her son, the fact nobody will be around to miss them for a few days and the fact there's a rabid dog wanting to kill her. Unfortunately the novel version of Cujo is as easy to find in national territory as the Ark of the Covenant. So I don't know if there is more to this subplot than reinforcing the Trenton couple relationship by placing her in danger's way or leaving the impression that people who do bad things, like cheating, get bitten in the ass by karma. But still, it is a welcome break from normal Hollywood romantic subplots in which the protagonists live in the perfect, flawless marriage before the shit hits the fan on them. So it's something I usually dislike, but in comparison to the mainstream way of doing it, it actually becomes a colorful marshmallow in an otherwise undiscernible sea of bland toasted oats.

At this point I should probably bring out that this was made in the 80's and what we nowadays understand as "mainstream way of doing things" wasn't set in slabs of stone yet. Go 80's.

Subplot issues apart, the acting is pretty good from the leading cast, and the dialog is actually bearable. The only line I found offensive to my intelligence was that the dog's owner, shortly before dying at the jaws of his own pet, decides to clarify what's happening in case they're showing this movie to a retarded audience: "Cujo? Oh my God... you're rabid!" I could hear the cynical moviegoer in the back of my head clapping tediously and making me chuckle, facepalm and yell obscenities (not necessarily in this order), but I can let that one slide since the character's own irresponsability towards Cujo, who of course trusts his owner to take care of him, is repaid in full when he dies a gruesome death.

The soundtrack is as it should be: secondary. Nobody cares for the soundtrack of Cujo as they would for, say, Star Wars. It's a thriller, it doesn't need an epic soundtrack (Saw, I'm looking right at you: nice music, bad timing), it just needs something that will help with ambience from time to time and this is exactly what it does. I'm glad to see that at a point, not everybody in the movie making industry were complete dolts.

The golden scene in Cujo is delivered about midway through the movie. I find it absolute gold because I know the hand of Murphy when I see it, and I can see it so clearly in this scene that I was able to tell he chews on his fingernails. In this scene, Donna and her son are inside the Pinto, having driven it to a mechanic workshop in the middle of nowhere because it's in dire need of fixing. The car further proves it's a piece of crap by dying at the workshop door. Shortly after, the dog shows up, and the thriller per se begins: Donna is stranded inside a car in the peak of August with her infant son. After a while, she decides to check if the car will start after cooling off, and she is given a chance: the car actually starts! In this setting, any of us would get out of dodge without so much as a blink. But this is not what Donna does: instead, she turns the car around, looks at the St. Bernard like she's a nose hair away from flipping the bird at it, insulting its mother and blowing tailpipe smoke right up its nostrils, and utters a very smug "Fuck you, dog". Of course, Murphy doesn't like smug, so he decides to repay it: the car dies again, this time for good. For me, this is absolute, Murphy-made gold.

The worst scene would probably be a half-hearted attempt by a police officer to save Donna and her spawn. A single cop drives into the workshop and leaves the car to check out the surroundings. He would eventually spot Donna and her son inside the Pinto and help them. But of course Cujo, lost in the annals of hydrophobia, thinks otherwise, and charges for the police officer (dare I say, like a cop to the box of donuts?). So... you are an armed police officer and there's an INCOMING RABID ST. BERNARD, what do you do? Pull out old Mabel and shoot it before it reaches you would probably be your answer... but not this particular police officer's. Instead, he decides to run, and since Cujo is arguably in a better shape, the cavalry goes to smithereens before even realizing there was a problem.

In conclusion, it is a movie worth watching, it will keep you interested and it's well-executed, and probably one of the nicest adaptations of a Stephen King novel to movie, like The Shining or Carrie. It is also the man's favorite, that alone should say enough. If you're giving, say, Desperation or Rose Red a thought, I would advise you to check this first. It's much better, has much less pretention and it's from the time Stephen King wrote good novels and decent movies were made out of them (anyone who mentions Maximum Overdrive will be murdered horribly with gold clubs and gum).

YouTube Wednesday with Yoshida Brothers

Current favorite fuckin' song. Absolutely epic. I love shamisen music, and this is by far one of the best I've heard as of late. And since finding a physical album of theirs in Portugal is as likely as finding schrapnel-flavored gum, stealing the discography in 5...

Weekly Log - 04 through 10

Mon May 04

What if Mondays were cancelled, I wonder? What if Barack Obama came on the TV, saying a Monday was cruel and unusual punishment for every single people on the planet, and they just cancelled the day out? Maybe we could have Tuesday following Sunday...

Tue May 05

Cinco de Mayo in Mexico today. Speaking of which, I kinda felt like chili, but stood for a sandwich and roaming around for three hours looking for someone in this area who had a working scanner. It seems Grandpa wants us to post some online ads for him, and we're in need of pictures. Said pictures, however, are in paper, and need to be put in the computer. After going around my area for a while, I settled for the office supply store in front of my old school. I gotta pick everything up tomorrow. Crow.

My old school. It looks worse now than when I was there. I saw dozens of its current students and I must say... I'd be ashamed to be counted on their ranks as a student of Francisco Simões Highschool at this moment. A whole generation of assholes unfolded before my eyes, with shit for brains and crap for words. Well, maybe I'm being mean. Maybe half those people aren't as retarded as they look. But they sure mimic it well.

Wed May 06

I was supposed to go out with the guys today, but it got canceled. Madeen's brother was ill (hope he's better now, man...), so I went to pick the crow-damned pictures. In the process, I got to make unwanted chit-chat with the office supplies store guy. He expressed pity for me over having to quit college for the time being, saying I "really had a future" and was on my merry way to "be someone".

...right. I had a future. What do I have now, a time distortion which causes me to be stuck on the present? Well, I'm sorry to announce nobody ever gets to the future: we're always in the present! I was "someone" in college - what am I now, something? It brings my snot to a boil. Especially when I think of all the assholes I know from college. If those people are the ones referred to as "someone", I'd rather be something else.

Thu May 07

It is days like today that strengthen my faith in the existence of Murphy. He couldn't get me on Monday, so he decided to get me today instead. Even if every day is likely to be ruined by this ghoulish entity, there are just some days...

I left home in good time since the interview I have today (which is follow-up from last week's) was at 9h30 AM. in the best interest of being on time, I decided to take the train instead of the boat. So I took a bus to the train station, and I got stuck with the slowest bus driver in the force. She was on Bluetooth complaining about having a broken ticket machine... how about doing that when you get to the station, since you usually leave it late anyway?! How about getting these people to their destination, most of them are going to work or school and must be on time? but no: instead, she slugged along and took several more time than necessary to open and close doors. And I don't mean a couple of minutes: we spent nearly a quart hour at one given stop!

So I barely made it on time (lost the first train, which means I had to wait several more minutes for the subway, you know how these things go...), did my interview, I think it went well. At home, more bullshit: papers to write, bills to look at, shit to bother me. Including posting ads online for Grandpa's apartments (why the eff? I don't know).

Brother, I can't wait to get a job. Get some independence and see if I can get all this shit off my back for a while.

Fri May 08

I knew this was going too well. I knew it. Something would have to happen at some point. And due to my own idiocy, Murphy has no place in this one. An unknown number called me this morning... and my cell was on silent mode. I put it on silent mode for the interview yesterday and forgot to change it back. I missed the call. I can't believe I missed the fuckin' call!

I spent so much time watching the bloody phone waiting for it to ring... always keeping it nearby... I can't believe I missed it.

Okay. That was two paragraphs and about an hour's worth of panic. After I managed to cool my head off, and smoke a couple fags, and get a proper grip on myself like a reasonable person, I called again. And again. And once more. I called until I managed to get through, and explained what had happened. They told me it was okay, they wouldn't mark the interview for today anyway, so they'd have someone call me back in a while. I suppose I interrupted someone's lunch hour, but my third interview is bookmarked for the next Wednesday.

Weekend May 09 - 10

Stayed home. Nothing to do... nowhere to go... no means to go anywhere anyway. Not means to bring anyone in either. I got quite a few musical pieces from Joan Jett, including Let's Do It which she sang with Paul Westerberg for the Tank Girl soundtrack. It is most definately one of the songs I want played at my reception in the .01% chance I ever get married... (crow, can you imagine me married? Me?! Because I can't...) I wanna be like Joan Jett when I grow up. She's awesome.

My attempt at getting Twin Peaks was frustrated once again: fuckin' virus-infected assholes. Along with getting bugged all the way to Monday by various of those small issues which become really obnoxious because they come in clusters, I also saw a couple movies... nothing big. Two 70's horror flicks, one better than the other (The Brood, 1979, and alice, Sweet Alice, 1977) and a couple episodes from Star Trek: Enterprise available on YouTube.

Ten Tips For Picking Movies

#10 - Sequels are bad, mmmkay?
They are. They are! You don't believe me? Go watch any movie that has a 2 in front of the title and see if I'm wrong. Stand-alone is more likely to do good than a sequel, even if you enjoyed the original movie. And if you didn't watch the original, by crow do it before you try the sequel, lest a good movie be wrecked for you because it was turned into a franchise. Nobody in his right mind would watch any of The Exorcist if they missed the first. Because not only do they make little to no sense, they also suck.

There are, of course, a few exceptions which prove the rule. Sometimes, it's impossible to tell a story in one movie, so various are made: The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, the works. These are the good ones, they follow the story. Even so, you want to watch them in the right order, or you won't get shit about what's going on. Again, nobody watches The Empire Strikes Back before A New Hope. Another exception is, movies adapted from books which already have tried and true sequels: Aliens follows Alien in novel as well as in movie. I found every sequel to the original very decent, even if the first remains my favorite.

Now let's pick another movie with sequels, Pirates of the Caribbean comes to mind... what did the sequels add to the original story? Nothing. Was it worth it? Nope. Was it as good or better than the original? No! What reason to watch it? Well unless you want to see Johnny Depp play a schizophrenic drunk pirate... (which is actually more appealing than it should be...)

You know a way to minimize damage when watching sequels? Take a whole day to watch the original and its sequels. If there are too many sequels, take a whole weekend. That way, maybe you can actually see some sense in it all. So if you're short on the time and/or the cash, forget taking up a sequel to something. Also keep in mind: the older a movie is, the less likely it is to suck.

#09 - Avoid remakes and adaptations.
Recently, Hollywood has been adapting a lot of stories from other media into motion pictures. Comic books seem to be a big favorite. Older or foreign movies are being redone too. Why? They're either out of really good ideas, or did it once and it worked way too well, bringing the box office an awesome profit, and dooming the process to constant repetition.

As remakes go, I think it's simply wrong. I find only two logical purposes for remaking an old or foreign movie. The first is that it draws attention to its original counterpart: you watch the remake, get curious, look up the original version and check it out. The second is, it caters to the American need to have every good movie spoken in their own language. You know, like the Spanish with porn.

There's nothing wrong with adapting an all-time favorite to the big screen. How do you think Batman made it all these years? The problem comes when they'll adapt everything... and make sequels out of them. The X-Men franchise was already pretty jaded to begin with. Now that they made movies out of it, they're gonna suck them for all they've got: you had three successful (more or less) movies, now they're gonna bother to make movies for isolated characters too. There are two (crappy) Hulk movies already! Why!? Seriously, in every feasible way, the first sucked on toes (except for Velvet Revolver's best song at the end) and we didn't need to try again to see it sucks. I doubt even Hulk fans considered those great movies. So unless you wanna see your childhood further raped or you, like me, masochistically enjoy having a will to gouge your eyes out with a spork, avoid them.

As for adaptations... stop being a pussy. Find the original version, get some subtitles if it's a foreigner and watch that, and then, if curiosity's too hard to resist, take a gander at the American version. You don't have to go very far: even the lousiest Ju-On movie was better than its Eastern counterpart. And they were made by the exact same director.

#08 - Distrust innovation in actor careers.
Some actors are multi-talented, and can on command do drama, action, comedy or horror. Some actors were made for one style alone, and fail horribly when they try to do something else. Actors, like all human beings, have wills and aspirations. Some of them have dreamed of doing, for instance, drama. But their debut was made in gangster movies and that's where they've stayed. They are free to go for their dream parts... unfortunately, they usually suck at their dream parts.

When you think of Robert De Niro, what comes to mind? Deer Hunter, right? Half-mad Vietnam veteran. Taxi Driver, yes? Completely mad cab driver. Raging Bull, okay, stubborn boxer. The Untouchables, very cool, biggest gangster of them all. Goodfellas, of course, a gangster again. Cape Fear, maniac. But try Hide and Seek... or Angel Heart... it will be very clear to you that he was not built for that sort of movie. De Niro actually played one of the worst incarnations of Satan I had ever seen.

So when you pick a genre, check the cast. If you know someone from another style, move on to the next title, because there are very good chances that is gonna suck. You wouldn't watch an action movie with Billy Crystal, would you?

#07 - Accept modern American movies will have bullshit.
Ah, bullshit. They feed you a healthy dose of it everyday, through every media available. It's no different in cinema. And if it's Hollywood, well, welcome to the Empire of Bullshit.

It is almost impossible to find a movie in which you get no bullshit whatsoever. When picking a movie, you must find a way to accept that it will have some bullshit. Like the jump Power Rangers style that allows our hero do come out of a gas explosion without a scratch. The impossible car chase. The scene that comes out of nowhere and adds nothing whatsoever to the movie. The hideous, unnecessary twist ending. You will get bullshit anyway - live with it. It is now a matter of deciding how much bullshit you can take and what bullshit is too far fetched for you to swallow. A carefully reading of plot on the back cover of the movie or the Internet can usually help you decide. But first, you must accept there is no such thing these days as a bullshit-less movie.

And it's not just the USA... bullshit, like air, seems to be everywhere. Independent films will feed you bullshit and excuse it as "creative" and "intellectual". The Asian movies will give you unexplained bullshit nobody understands (especially if Takashi Miike is within one hundred feet of the set). European movies will try to pass their bullshit as either "classy" or "we didn't have much of a budget". Me, I'd rather believe there is a purpose to bullshit other than "this is the best we could come up with", so I'm taking an Asian movie over a Hollywood feature any day.

#06 - Disbelieve the main awards.
I have a tendency to distrust any movie that got an Oscar for whichever feature. Because I have seen Oscar winning movies and actors go beyond the limits as crap is concerned. The usual standard for movies is... hideous. And if you have a line of movies which aren't worth their budget, and you must choose among them the one that is less of a crap... no matter how less of a crap it is, you're still gonna end up with crap.

Everyone toots about The Return of the King getting a shitload of Oscars, and I in no way say it was a bad movie... but look at what was running against it: Lost in Translation was one of the biggest flops of 2004. Master and Commander sucked. I think at this point everyone agrees all copies of Mystic River should be buried and forgotten along with Atari's E.T., and preferably in the same place... and did anyone even bother to watch Seabiscuit? Do you see where I'm getting? Suppose you decide to run a marathon and everyone running against you has a limp... of course you're probably going to win, but your victory is meaningless: you were running against a bunch of crippled people! No matter how good you are, you get a medal for simply having two functioning legs when all others don't!

You know what I'd like to see sometime? An Oscar Award ceremony where no prizes would be awarded. The jury would simply say all movies of the year were sub-standard and they refused to award prizes so as not to lower audience expectations. That would be good. That would force the people in Hollywood to actually put some serious effort into making good motion pictures.

An award means absolutely nothing. In fact, I have more fun checking out the nominee list of Fantasporto, no matter how bad it is, than I do checking out the winner list of the current year Oscars.

#05 - Disbelieve the ratings.
Never - and I mean ever - believe newspaper reviewers. Ever. Newspaper reviewers never say it like it is. These are people specifically paid to write good reviews. They write reviews by a model, guys! They start off by making a runthrough of the actors' and director's careers, give you the plot, the awards, and say they liked it... what about why this or that is good? You never read that! They never tell you why they liked it: they just say it's good. Unless they are forced to say something about the movie was bad. If they must say something's bad, they do so right in the beginning, and immediately tell you why they think it's good. Example: "Despite flawed, Pile of Crap is a movie which will keep you on the edge of your seat with incredible action, stunning effects and the fantastic talent of leading actor John Bullocks!" So you are actually told the movie is flawed (and for the newspaper reviewer to tell you it's flawed, its flaws are so big they're impossible to ignore) but after the first comma, they do everything possible to still get you to watch it.

Here's another trick: when they throw in a lot of meaningless and overly complicated, overly elaborated words to make a movie sound better than it is. Example: "Pile of Crap is a journey of self-learning, a turmoil of unleashed emotions, a mystifyingly deep and sensitive picture." You read that sentence and go, "Holy shit, I gotta watch this!", but... what exactly did they tell you? Can anyone tell me what exactly "a journey of self-learning" means? Because I've seen that particular sentence applied to countless movies, and I'm starting to believe it means, "I couldn't find anything good to say about this so I'm just going to write some meaningless philosophical crap here and hope moviegoers will attempt to find the meaning at the theatre." And what about "deep"? Newspaper reviewers love the word "deep". You know what "deep" means, in this context? Profound, thorough, intense, heartfelt. Now go watch Legally Blonde 2 and come tell me it is a profound, thorough, intense and heartfelt picture, because a lot of reviewers consider it a "deep" movie.

You want a more accurate picture of how a movie is? Wait two days after it comes out, and check forums at IMDb. It's just as flawed, opinion-wise - but at least, they'll give you specific reasons why they liked / didn't like a given motion picture. I find it more rewarding to read from a guy who got nothing out of it but a loss of 90 minutes of his life, than from a guy who gets paid to convince people to go watch something.

#04 - Be mindful of plot over cast and director.
Everyone is entitled to a mistake. If you usually like Francis Ford Coppola movies, his newest feature is likely to be of your enjoyment, but it may so happen that this time, Coppola went Crappola. This is why you don't watch every single movie a director makes. I like Zack Snyder a lot - but I have no doubt in my heart that at some point in his career, he will direct a movie which will make me go "What the fuck was he on?!" And I enjoy watching Christian Bale act, but oh crow, keep me away from the latest Terminator flick.

Good directors can sometimes pull the most horrible plots... and bad directors can wreck the best ideas. Just like a good actor can sometimes screw up a whole movie, or an unknown bloke can be the shining star of an otherwise crappy movie. Please, do not pick a movie just because your favorite's in it. Read the plot first. I can't tell you how many bad movies I could have easily avoided if I had ran my eyes over the plot on the back cover of the DVD. This is the order you want to check out a movie on: name first, plot afterwards, then director, cast and cover as a last resort. And you are only checking actors here because of #08. Remember: you watch a movie for the story. Watching your favorite actor butt-naked is bonus. And you don't need to watch a movie if your only goal is to watch Angelina Jolie's rack. The Internet's there for that.

#03 - Consider how to view it.
Some movies, you enjoy alone. Some are meant to be watched in a crowd. Some you want to watch with a few selected friends. And some are meant to be watched however the heck you want to watch them. Horror movies are easily enjoyed alone or with a group of friends, but lose a lot in a crowd that yells, giggles and makes a fuss. Comedies are meant to be watched in a group, unless you like getting your chuckles alone. Your girlfriend may not like martial arts movies, so you'll watch it with the guys.

The person you're with may wreck the movie for you. And I'm not even talking of chatterboxes who will talk about completely unrelated things while you're trying to watch a movie, or those who try to predict everything that's going to happen next and completely kill whatever surprise there was left. I'm not even talking about those guys who repeat character lines after they're spoken, or those who make you stop your DVD every ten minutes because they want a snack, need to go to the can, cellphone rang... nah. I'm talking about taking someone who liked Van Helsing to watch Eraserhead. I'm talking of gathering a group of squeaky girls to watch a horror movie you actually are interested in. I'm talking about taking ten guys to watch The Bridges of Madison County, arguably the most pussified film ever made. Even if I am to talk about the first few cases, you wouldn't take them to watch a movie you're really interested in, would you? You'd probably rather pick a movie you've watched before, or one where you don't mind the talking and the interrupting. On Brokeback Mountain, I actually welcome any pause we make... I hated that.

#02 - Consider where to view it.
I am a firm believer that consumers shouldn't have to pay for something they don't know if they'll like. In fact, I believe you should be allowed to check out magazines and comics before buying them. Not reading them end to end, but just checking them out. See if it's promising. If I like something, I don't mind paying the just price to own it. But without a previous show, well... The same happens with movies. That's why there's trailers: so you get a preview of how it'll be. But as we all know, trailers feature only the best parts, and at times, parts that aren't even in the whole thing. Trailers lie. You should be allowed to watch the first fifteen minutes of every movie for free: no bullshit, first fifteen minutes, and if you're interested, you'll pay to watch the rest. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, which leads me to issue #02: not all movies are worth watching in a theatre.

When I was a little girl, I though there were only two types of movies worthy of theatre views: the ones that featured awesome landscapes, or the ones with super special effects. As I grew up, landscapes became less important and effects became all CGI, which were more enjoyable in a small TV because I couldn't see they were CGI as clearly. In time, it sank that any movie could be enjoyed in the theatre, provided it wasn't complete shit... but here's the problem: if you are watching a shit movie in theatre, it's a miserable experience. You can't pause it... you can't pick something else... and of course you can leave, but you're going to loathe the € 5.70 you paid to watch it for a good while. Your alternative to going through this sort of experience?

First, if you have any doubts about a movie, don't immediately choose to watch it in a theatre unless you're going for the company. I saw Boogeyman in a theatre for the company, but the movie is lousy and the time I spent sitting there was nothing short of Chinese water torture. There are plenty of options for you if you're not sure a movie will be good. Rent it. Borrow it. And, of course, steal it - if they were so interested in stopping piracy as they say they are, they'd allow us to watch the first fifteen minutes of any movie and stop feeding us bullshit trailers. You can find bootlegs so easily these days, and going to the movies is so expensive, you may actually prefer to gather some people at your place to watch it. And if the movie proves true, you can always go see it with better quality.

One more thing about moviegoing. There are two types of movies not worth your cash: 3D movies and IMAX features. 3D is yet another gimmick to get you to go to the movies, and it's not so awesome as people make believe it is. In the 80's maybe, but not at this point. As for IMAX features... here's my experience: loud, boring, unnecessary, eye-straining, once again, don't spend money on it. That is my personal advice.

#01 - Know your sources.
Reading about a movie before watching it is always a good idea. You know why? Because I once rented Alone in the Dark for the title only and only midway through it did I realize there was only one director who could've made that pile of crow: Ewe Boll.

Better than reading is talking to someone who watched it ahead of you. I hate it when I'm the first to watch a movie, because it's going in blindly. I don't mind at all that someone runs ahead and then tells me what they thought... provided, of course, they have some cred to their word. I know this guy that usually watches movies way before me, and we usually have similar opinions about movies. I trust him when he says it's good, and I trust him when he says it's crap. If I watch it afterwards or not (who am I kidding, I watch everything) is my choice. In movies as in dating, you sometimes need a wingman, a trusty partner who can scout ahead for you. If you trust each other's opinions, you may even choose to scout for each other, so that each of you only needs to watch half the shit you'd normally watch. My point: if you're asking an opinion about a movie, ask it from someone with some knowledge of the matter, and whom you know has an opinion more or less like yours. It is the best way to avoid crappy films.

Weekly Log - 27 through 03

Monday Apr 27

Spent my day watching movies. Well, those that I managed to find whole at least. There are plenty of movies available on YouTube, but the direction of the site keeps taking away either the middle parts or the endings... which really isn't a big problem when I'm watching a slasher, but it sort of pisses me off if the movie started off interestingly. Why can't YouTube make a channel for movies over 20 years old? I mean, it's not like they're stealing anything from anyone. Nobody is entitled to jack after 20 years or so I've heard. Plus, I'm pretty sure anyone who was featured in 1930 is already dead. Heck, half of those featured in 1960 are dead...

There are plenty of movies out there that will, at best, be remade at some point. Things nobody but movie buffs and me (who trip on this shit by chance rather easily) knows. I'm not talking about classics, I mean, I'm not asking YouTube to make a channel where you can watch the big box office monsters from back then, but at least a couple of B-series flicks... I'd watch that.

A B-series movies YouTube. Sounds nice. If I was in charge of it I'd name it YuckTube.

Tuesday Apr 28

I sent a few resumes early in the morning, went out to buy some bread, and by the time I came back someone wanted me for an interview tomorrow afternoon. Crow, that was fast. Every time I get an appointment for an interview by sending a resume without college, I feel like laughing.

Wednesday Apr 29

Well, today was my interview... and by crow, Murphy tried everything to wreck it in every way.

First off, I left the house, ready to roll. I wasn't done going down the steps from my building, I bumped into some guy from the one of the nearby Christian cults. Wanted me to go watch some mass, some choir, whatever. I said I couldn't - he wouldn't give up. I normally tell these people to get off my hair plain and simple... but today, I'm in a rush, and I'm not in the mood to yell and bitch. So I gave him a fake phone number and sent him on his merry way. These guys are worse than telemarketing operators: those have green light to quit after three attempts, these won't. It pains me to see what sort of worshipers Jesus Christ has these days... he should've stayed around India the first time he went there. Gotta start telling these evangelists I belong to the Most Serene Church of Murphy, print out some fliers so we can exchange them...

So I went to meet Pops, he was cool today, paid for my lunch and gave me money for the boat and subway, cheered me on... during lunch, I got a stain on my shirt. Now think of every time you ever ate something with sauce. Every time you had nothing to do after lunch, ate something with sauce and didn't get dirty. Well precisely today...

The lady in the snack bar saved my life. She had a stain remover that did the trick.

So I went to Lisboa... I had to wait a good while for the interview, got there early... was treated to the sight of a couple of gypsies fighting on the street... finally, I got into the room to be interviewed along five other guys. The interview took two and a half hours: two presential questionings, group problem-solving tests, understanding tests, psychological tests, creativity tests... to sell coffee machines?

When I came back, I phoned a friend and we had a couple beers and talked about life and fun. I was tired: by the time I came back, I had walked up and down the area for a while trying to find my way back to the subway...

Thursday Apr 30

Shit, what am I, being chased? God, if you have something to tell me, send me an e-mail, because I am frankly tired of getting bugged on my way around the street by the people from your church!

Another evangelist today, stopped me to offer me a Bible study. I said I had read and studied parts of the Bible in college (it's no lie...), both in its recent translation and Latin. He then started giving me the usual "The End is Nigh" speech. At the end, asked me if I wouldn't like to live forever. I bluntly said no. He said the World would be a different place then. I still said I still didn't want to live forever and walked off. Like with a movie, I don't need any sequels, and series that run too long get boring or stupid. And what's with the Book of Revelation speech they all love to give us? I refuse to be frightened into joining a religion, just as I refuse being frightened into joining a political party, a soccer team or just about any group I loathe and despise.

Friday May 1

Today is worker's day. Since I still don't work, the holiday means jack to me. The guys dropped by on the afternoon to play some games and take pictures, we spent half the time watching one of them be owned at Project Zero 3: The Tormented (she cheated, though: she saw a walkthrough on YouTube before coming by) and the other getting shot and sliced to death on The Suffering: Ties that Bind. Afterwards, we had dinner (pizza) and went to the mall to meet with the rest of the folk and go for coffee. We spoke at length of shit... really, of shit, because we didn't learn a thing from that chat, that's why it was enjoyable... we took a nigh stroll and came back home.

Weekend May 2-3

Well, I did it. On Saturday I marched my way to the theatre, purchased a ticket for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, purchased a large Coke and braced myself for whatever was gonna be tossed my way. You can read my complaints on the post of May 2nd. I am now going to leave a clear line here for those who read the blog, and I will repeat it when the time comes closer: I'm probably going to watch Star Trek next weekend, I'm not sure yet. Anyone who would like to tag along, leave me a note before Friday. By Friday I will be confirming if I'm going. Most likely it's the mall, and I'm pointing to the 13h30 session.