YouTube Wednesday with God Hand

Along with great gameplay and plotline, God Hand was also bestowed one of the most adequante soundtracks it could have hoped for. I like it a lot, enough to have stolen the whole thing from the Internet: this is one of the best tracks. See you all in 2009!

The Fangirl

I bring you today a creature of scientific interest whom I happen to have quite some experience with. I move in the same circles as this beast, and to a point, I must sadly admit, I am one. The virgo puella insensatus, commonly known as Fangirl, is one of the elder monsters of the Internet. It's been around much before the Internet surely, however it was thanks to the Web that this strange beast managed to find and flock amongst its equals, forming tribes, circles and Yahoo! Groups. While its behavior is possibly some of the most irritating stuff you'll ever read online, it's not exactly offensive or unavoidable... or is it?

Let's first define the Fangirl. By Fangirl we understand a woman in her teens or school years, who is devoted to a fandom to a point that is borderline dementia. Its male counterpart is the Fanboy, although they do not move in the same circles and possess a different behavioral pattern. "Fangirl", however, has gained a rather depreciative connotation in the last few years, and after meeting a few, I understand it perfectly.

Fangirls communicate with each other and the rest of the world in three ways, mainly. The most common and better known one is through crappy fanart and fanfiction. Be it a YouTube tribute video, a piece of text emulating or acting out their favorites or any other given artwork, the Fangirl is often very dedicated to her artistry, no matter how crappy her artistry may be. There are very impressive artists who happen to be fangirls, some who are actually worth reading and watching, but when any given girl with arguable talent keeps uploading doodles and eyesores you know you hit jackpot. Some of the worst possible poetry out there has been dedicated to the imaginary love between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. They beat the Lisbon College amateurs with their hands tied down, and take my word for it, it's quite the feat. These products are conveniently stored in forums of the genre, LiveJournal and websites devoted to the fandom du jour. Some of them, unfortunately, end up leaking to the Internet and showing up in Google searches for the despair of us all.

The other two forms of Fangirl communication are squees and drooling. The squee is a form of vocal production that seems to be closely related to baboon screeches. Fangirls squee whenever they're happy or their need for non-canon fandom material is satisfied. Thus, a Fangirl may squee at the sight of a piece of fanart that is particularly satisfying. Or she can squee for no reason at all. It is unknown if, on the deeper stages of Fangirlism, the squee is produced willingly, or if it becomes a permanent and incontrollable vocal trait. Of course on the Internet, nobody can hear you squee, but the Fangirl goes over this by producing a virtual squee: placing the word "squee" between asterisks as to inform others of its kind she is currently doing so in real life. The number of E letters in the word (ex: *squeeeeeeeeee*) is often representative of how long this screech lasts. If an exclamation mark is found at the end, (ex: *squeee!*), it means that the Fangirl has found something that really pleases her.

The drooling is a form for Fangirls to show they are not only pleased, but rather turned on. Indicated in the same manner as the squee, (ex: *drool*) the number of O letters in the word are also representative of how much salive she is expelling. As such, a large number of O's may mean she is about to drown in her own salivary fluids.

While drooling and squeeing are characteristic to the Fangirl, they do have a virtual language of their own. Expressions like "ohmigod" are common to the Fangirl. We can trace these expressions all the way back to their real life social group: teenage girls. The Fangirl is known to also get herself into a battle of wits against Trolls, one they cannot possibly win. Any Fangirl worth her name will have a pre-designed speech, meant to answer any possible attacks to homosexuality (though they're likely straight) and their right to upload whatever the heck they want to. This speech does nothing against the Troll, so the Fangirl pretty often is wasting typing time.

There are various stages of Fangirlism, raging from mere affection for something to, as previously stated, borderline dementia. Severe Fangirlism is often offensive to mild Fangirlism. The severely affected Fangirl holds nothing sacred, and will defy canon and tasteful at will. A proper example would be as such: a mildly affected Fangirl would find canon sexual tension between Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings, while the severely affected Fangirl will go out of her way to find sexual tension, canon or not, between Gríma Wormtongue and Elrond of the same series. This is known as a "crack pairing", and likely to become the favorite of a group of severely affected Fangirls as soon as it's mentioned. While it's mainly a condition of teenagers, Fangirls of 30 and more have been reported, already married and with children. On this stage in their life, they often tend to cool down, and drop squeeing and drooling. Aging seems to be the only cure for severe Fangirlism, as even the most dedicated Fangirls can turn back to the earlier stages of the condition. It is unknown if the children of a given Fangirl will grow up to be Fangirls and Fanboys for related fandoms.

Weekly Log - 22 through 28

Monday Dec 22

Well, I stayed in, recovering from my sore head and a sore throat which manifested early this morning. My peace and quiet didn't last long. Soon enough I was in blower country: Pops calling from one side, Mum from the other (and never calling each other! It's uncanny! I feel like a UN interpreter trying to make peace between two rival countries!), and uncles and aunts and shit. Every half an hour or so, it was ringing, until I was so fed up I wanted to test the cell's resistance to gravity from my second-story window. Then at the end of the day an ambulance brought in my Grandma, who's gonna be staying with us a while. Let me rephrase: she's gonna be staying for an undetermined period of time. For an undetermined period of time, my Mum was sent out of her bedroom. For an undetermined period of time, we have no couch in the living room. Hardly any gamble to it: she's coming here, period.

Those of you who used to read Bored, Inc. might or might not recall a time, about five years ago, when my Grandma was living with us, and fighting breast cancer. There was a re-incidence, so she's back. We single-handedly took care of her back then, becoming miserable in the process. This time around everyone said they'd be chipping in to help, but I have my doubts as to how long this help will last. I know these people all too well, they're my family, and I've been dealing with their bullshit since I was little. Remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote I foresaw bad times ahead? They're fuckin' here. This woman should be in a hospital, she's debilitated, she's weakened, and she's gonna be staying in a house where most people are usually absent. Oh I foresee bad effin things for this situation, bad effin things.

Pops also got me a new bed, since mine was falling apart. It's nice to be sleeping in a proper bed now.

Tuesday Dec 23

Cleaned up the room, aired old clothes I found in storage, went through the books for keepers and goers, and found a slightly better display for the room. I'm trying to get into this year with a right foot on. Gonna celebrate the going away of effin' 2008 with much glee. Another one that brought nothing good.

Work was kinda dull, and then it was shopping time. An hour and a half in the meat shop. Do not underestimate the power of old ladies in big groups. They missed their number being called, delayed the line even further and got me thinking all manners of weird shit. Like if it'd be politically correct to have frogs' legs on display like they have skinned, dead bunnies. Or how come some people can't tell the difference between lamb and veetle until someone either tell them the price difference or whack them in the head with each.

During the night, I could hardly get a blink's worth of sleep. Grandma kept coughing and wheezing and spitting. Her lungs are full of liquid and that has to come out somehow. But you have no idea, until you get a good earful, what it is to try and take meal or sleep while this is going on.

Wednesday Dec 24

I woke up, my uncle was vacuuming. Got notice that one of my cats has gotta go because there's too much fur in the house and it's bad for Grandma. They've been trying to get rid of them ever since I adopted them, and apparently now they won over Mum, and this is her house, so her word goes and her word is, Magoo goes. They sent me shopping early on the day before Christmas, I was about to lose my mind amongst the old ladies on the supermarket. Nobody comments on how we didn't put up the decorations. Apparently nobody notices we really don't feel like effin' Christmas this year. It's like I had the police at my place, forcing me unto celebration. Fa-la-la-la-fuck-this-shit.

Thursday Dec 25

It is written in stone slabs somewhere in Murphy's fortress that on the 24th I celebrate a holiday I hate, and then on the 25th I go have lunch with people I don't get along so well with. So at eleven, I got out of the house and marched my way to Pops' den.

When I came back, it seemed as though I was walking inside a crazy house. Grandma was coughing and spitting, my aunt was yelling at something, Mum was missing, my uncle and my Granfather were loitering. Went to hide to my bedroom so I wouldn't have to walk back out the door.

Friday Dec 26

I went out to the bar with some friends, we drank shooters, ate burgers and had beer. Good times. I had fun tonight, it'd been a while. Earlier on my cousin showed up as well, and we had the opportunity to play some games. Even with the overall shit, Friday decided to spare me.

That is, until I got back home from the bar and couldn't sleep because Grandma kept groaning and spitting. I'm glad I ate at the bar.

Weekend Dec 27-28

What a weekend... get me outta here. My cousin and a friend dropped by to play games on Sunday and it was the high of my weekend. On Saturday I was left in charge of Grandma all morning. I know she wants attention and I know she wants to talk. But I spent two hours listening to hospital stories. By the time my aunt got there to get in charge, I was ready to set a few medical facilities on fire, take my clothes off and walk about greeting people and telling them I'm King Charles I. My aunt's full of shit: she said she'd take care of everything. She gets there late and leaves early. Well, she's the smart one, actually: she's not cutting off on any of her own matters to do this. That's our effin job, as it seems.

By the end of Sunday I picked up God Hand to pop open a little can o' whoopass the old fashioned way, all the while muttering lines from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) and Old West one-liners. Crow, I'm going nuts...

The download upgrade for this week went likeso: some stuff from Kate Bush, some stuff from Queen, some stuff from the 80's in general, God Hand's soundtrack, a better media player for Ubuntu (Banshee) plus the Deadlands d20 setting books, keeping with the cowboy theme in general. This is odd: I was never big on westerns, with the possible exception of the aforementioned movie and a thing or two by the Duke that everyone watches at a point or another of their life. I think it was the clip for Muse's Knights of Cydonia my cousin sent me earlier this week that did it...

Seion's Letter to Santa

Yo Santa;

It may sound strange at this point that I'm writing to you. In fact, you probably haven't read from me in a good, long while. And I hope they have a good server on the Pole, or you're not gonna read this time either. But let's assume you do have a nice server and you're gonna read this thing.

First and foremost, I would like to settle a matter that may have brought you a little confusion regarding my past correspondence. See, the last time I actually wrote to you thinking it'd get there... well I couldn't really write back then, could I? Seeing as I was never very convinced of your existance and at age four the mystery was over, when they tried to give me bullshit about you coming down the chimney. You know how it is, parents sometimes don't think things through. If they had told me you could park on the roof of the building and deliver presents via the stairway, like any normal and half-respectable thief, I might have bought it. But no, they told me you came in through the chimney. Our chimney back then was about a fist wide. You have to understand, I was four, but I wasn't stupid.

Now, you might have gotten a letter written and signed by myself back in '97, when I was twelve or thirteen. I don't think you do get correspondence from people that age unless they're retarded or gullible to the point of extinction. This is why I would like to explain how that happened. See, in 1997, I had a five year old Kid Bro (which by the way I asked my own father for, didn't need your help there. With all the kids asking for brothers and sisters for Christmas, I assume this night is several times more tiresome for you than it should. I never bought the stork bullshit either, since we're on subject) who was about to live through the first Christmas he was old enough to be excited about. In the spirit of the occasion, my parents wanted to give him all the bullshit I never believed in, so Kid Bro and my Mum wrote a letter (he bought your existance for about a year, Santa, it's as good as it gets in this day and age, feel proud of yourself). Kid Bro was kinda upset back then that his sister wasn't writing a letter to Santa too, see, so by order of my Mum, I had no choice but to comply. If you'll recall (because I do), the header was "Dear Mock-Santa". Don't take it personally. I was twelve, but still not stupid. That would come much later.

So now I'm 23, but shit hasn't changed much since I was four. I'm about as large as you by now, both on height and width, and at the rhythm I smoke, won't be long until we share a similar tone of voice. I'm actually writing this letter because I do have a request for you. As for being a good girl all year long... well. Let's not kid ourselves. I'm more likely on your "Pissed and Mean as Hell" than your "Goody Two-Shoes" list. Still single here, though I am happy to see shit's been good for you in the past decade or so. Not only did they give you a Mother Christmas (which is often depicted as a mix between Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother and Martha Stewart before she was arrested) but also several "elves" and "Santa's helpers" who happen to be D-cup gifted blondes. So I trust you've been kept nice and warm, because the Pole must be cold as crow. The Coca-Cola deal also seems to be working well on your behalf, or you really like red, because as I recall, you used to dress up in green. If you ever think of turning back, take this advice: 7Up might be wanting a spokesman soon. Nobody finds that Fido guy cool anymore, the 90's are over. Guarana isn't a bad pick either.

You know, now that I sat down to give this a thought, there are a couple questions I'd like you to answer me. You know, for curiosity's sake. It seems you're highly popular amongst the atheist and Christian, and you've been known to tend to the heretic quite a bit as well. How do you feel about Jews? And are you in charge of the Kwanza too? See, as I recall, this is how your advertising goes: you will distribute presents to ALL the good boys and girls. Didn't anyone ever find that offensive, religion-wise? And what exactly is your relationship with Baby Jesus? I mean, between you and I, you really cut that kid out of your deal. You sent him three blokes with gold, incense and myrth. Not the presents a kid usually likes to get, and I'm sure Mary would've liked a pacifier and some diapers instead. Hey, I'm just pulling your leg. I know Baby Jesus was born in March (he was an Aries), the Pope only deemed it better to have Christmas in December to screw with us. I would also like to know, because of your advertising and your overall... outfit, let's call it... are you a communist? Your resemblance to Karl Marx is uncanny, and you both wear the same colors.

But I digress. You know I haven't been a good girl, but I haven't been so bad either. In my defense, I got a lot of crap in 2008. But let's see, I didn't kill, unless you count the occasional family-size roach. I didn't rob, unless you are a stuck-up who thinks downloading shit from the Web is worth time in jail (like the justice system nearly everywhere. If it makes you feel better, half the stuff I downloaded was from people who are either dead or too rich to care). As lies go... yeah... I fucked up sometimes there, but you gotta understand that in this day and age, it's a survival mechanism more than "being bad", and again, in my defense, I restricted myself to little white lies. Nobody was hurt, and I got myself out of situations once or twice. Being good to my fellow man... I have been. After coffee at least, I have been. It's not my fault if people confuse personality and mood with goodwill. I'm pretty much celibatary, so... no jokes about being a bad girl here. I haven't done much for others, but at least I didn't give them problems either. I wasn't arrested for anything (yet), I didn't covet my neighbor's wife, husband, pet, material possession or social status, though I have often coveted other people's jobs. Jobs, Santa, not incomes. I actually want to work for my share here, and I don't think spending weekends in my pajamas qualifies as being lazy either. Overall, I may not be on the "Goody Two-Shoes" list, but cut me some slack, I'm probably not the worst in the lot, and I'm not gonna ask for much.

Here's what I'd like to have for Christmas: a pot of patience. A king-sized, coke-and-fries, menu included pot of good old-fashioned patience. My stock is running thin lately, and you know you need to have a lot of patience to wash down all the worms you need to swallow from time to time. That and beer, but if drinking and smoking is being bad, man, I'm done. You know how it's been, since you have omniscience, like Gods do: I've been a sponge and a chimney since I hit 20, no use denying it. The patience you may be bringing me could be the only thing between being on the "Fairly Decent" list next year, or remaining in the "Pissed and Mean as Hell" one. I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't needing, and I haven't bugged you for some twenty years, now. You know that letter from '97 didn't mean squat.

Even if you don't bring me the patience I want, I'd still like to leave something for you on Christmas Eve, so even if you're not delivering anything, take five to drop by. You're a busy guy, especially at this time of year, and you have one of the worst paying, lousiest jobs in the market. Okay, so the schedule is pretty neat, you only work once a year, but that's about it. If your job was as good as people make it, at your age you'd be retired and living in Bocca, not still making like FedEx on the Pole. And I happen to know Toys 'R' Us is killing your business. Anyway, there will be a dish inside my microwave containing a couple of sandwiches and some fries. I'll also leave a pot of sauce there, in case you decide to tell colesterol to go fuck itself. There's beer, bubbly and wine in the fridge, Martini and Jack in the living room closet and coffee in the pot, so knock yourself out. As long as you don't wake me up, feel free to use the kitchen and the can. I don't think pissing in mid-air and out in the cold is very advisable at this time of year.

Best regards,

Seion

Weekly Log - 15 through 21

Monday Dec 15

I woke up with two problems today: my Mum, and my Pops. I'm tired of them talking to each other via me. It's the litigious divorce all over again: tell you father this, tell your mother that. The way these people carry, you'd think they never heard of telephones. Call each other, yell at each other, argue via smoke signs, send a pigeon for all I care, and much as it was with the divorce, I'll be at the nearby coffee shop when you decide what you wanna do.

I gotta get outta here. Called two job companies and checked the paper: there's gotta be something somewhere for me to do that pays minimum wage and has a more or less decent schedule. Damn, at this point, I don't care if it's construction working, sewage maintenance or picking up garbage: I just wanna get outta here. And I also want to avoid call centers like the plague. It's possibly the worst job, after the present, I can think of. This one wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't so much baggage actually, but it's not me who decides that shit.

Jobs will be on a low during the month, I figure. The lady on the temp job company told me there are few requests and maybe I'd be a little luckier by the beginning of January. Until then, seemingly, I remain in this tension-raising, brain-frying slow death.

Went to see the kid play Jew on his school play. Had a fairly decent time there, and he was grand. Funniest thing I've seen this month. He was also the best kid acting there, which I assume every parent said about their kids, but I'm the only one who actually is telling the truth.

Tuesday Dec 16

Mum is on break, so she went to the office with me. We called the Internet provider to inquire where the eff were out bills, and then called again to ask why the eff were they charging over for technical service. You need a master's degree to understand bills these days...

Wednesday Dec 17

Listening to Johnny Cash. Today I got the best news in a while, actually: Mum is well on her way to get a strong hold of this job and be paid a little more. It's nice because it's a job she likes, but I think she's finishing it with her health. She's been working breaks and weekends non-stop lately. As for me, still here, still bored. Pops also yelled with me again for obeying orders from my Mum. Crow, I remember times when they yelled at me for NOT obeying! Make up your mind already!

With the lack of stimulus to my brain (all I do is crosswords, play Gameboy and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls), the weird shit is starting to show up. I keep wondering, what is it a porn movie director jerks off to? Would the monks from an order that has sworn vows of silence rather yell "Fire!" and go to Hell, or stay quiet and burn a slow death? If you place two emos in a knife-fight, do they cut themselves instead of each other? If parents name their kids Daisy, Lily and Rose, how come I never met anyone named Dandelion? These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

Thursday Dec 18

Still alive, still bored. Skipped lunch to go to the bank and ended up having a hamburger. Man, corner hamburger joints are the best. Two meat patties as thick as my finger, cheese and all the add-ons you can hold between two slices of hamburger bun that actually tastes like one, big serving of fries and a coke, less than five euros to pay. McDonald's can go screw itself for all I care.

I also took the chance to deliver a resume for a store, and bought me some flippin' sweet new headphones. Grandpa left me some cash for a Christmas gift. For the first time in a long while I don't need to have the PC sound maxed up to actually listen to something!

Friday Dec 19

My day began with a late arrival at work, since Mum wanted to go along to speak to Pops. I couldn't believe my ears: these two are actually gonna talk to each other, without interpreters? Scanning the skies for the Four Horsemen!

She asked for money, he said he didn't have any because he needed to pay expenses, she said we were nearly out of food in the house (which sadly, is very true...) and after she was gone, at the end of the day, he gave me some cash, telling us to be careful on spending. Who the eff does this guy thinks he's talking to?

More news from Grandma: she's getting worse. They're gonna send her to her sister's place, but much like my Mum, I'm foreseeing the worse.

Weekend Dec 20-21

Crow. I wish I could erase this stinkin' night from my stinkin' life. I also wish I had had some common sense before shit turned ugly: I consider myself perhaps mildly intelligent, but damn, I do some stupid shit sometimes.

My Saturday had been the shit. Home alone, I did some mild cleanup, and then resigned myself to look at the walls. I started to think. The more I thought the angrier I got. At a point, I just said "screw it" and went out to buy two bottles of beer. Later on, after those beers were done, I was still pissed. Some friends called me to tell they were in town, I agreed to go out with them, hoping to take some steam off me. What I did was, get heavily drunk and throw up. While I do feel a little better today (Sunday), even with the sore head, the acid feeling in the back of my throat and the upset stomach, I feel a bad for my friends. I wasn't the only one in the group, mind you, there was a guy there that was sick too, but still... Maybe this served as purging. I am feeling better, after all.

YouTube Wednesday with anime

Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei is one of my favorite anime. It's a satire sort of comedy, where negativism and pessimism are the main themes. It approaches language, politics, social issues - but all in a dark humor, silly and pessimistic sort of way, on a highschool setting, with the most negative possible teacher and the strangest students in the world. I absolutely love it.

This scene is from episode 4, and featured one of my favorites, Meru, who is a little shy in person and extremely abusive over e-mail. It's the protoype of the Internet troll, basically. Enjoy!

Weekly Log - 8 through 14

Monday Dec 08

Another national holiday. We have plenty in the end of the year. Whoever was in charge of distributing them really messed up bad: we have about 4 holidays during Spring, next to none during Summer, a lot of them in Winter. Not that I mind, I like rain and cold myself, but think about all the beach-going people...

Anyway, I went out, spent most of the morning browsing around music stores (Mum wants to buy a guitar for my brother, and I'm checking if it's doable) and on the afternoon, I went to meet a friend. We sat down, chatted the whole afternoon, laughed... (Kung Pow was on too) good times.

Tuesday Dec 09

What a day... Mum from one side asking for money... Pops from the other, complaining about her asking for money... me in the middle, trying to find an effin way to pay for everything without us having to go hungry, losing the transportation passes or getting water, web or electricity cut. Frankly, where the heck did money go? My Mum got paid on the 4th, we're outta cash already! Well, I kinda know... we paid the rent on time this month, 80% of it was gone, then a bill or another took the rest.

I was upset to kingdom come, so I messaged a friend and went out for a beer before returning home. Turns out, some good news actually awaited me there for a change: my Mum is going to sign a contract for the next 6 months. Maybe this is the chance to straighten up our finances and our lives once and for all.

Wednesday Dec 10

In search of a better way to share files between Lorna (in case you don't know, Lorna is my home desktop computer. Yeah. I give them names, which probably accounts for how important a PC is in my daily life...) and the office PC. SkyDrive is trash: before leaving the house, I left five files uploading for it. When I got to the office... yeah. Zero. And here I had plans to start working on a few character sheets and dungeon maps...

On another issue (which is, again, becoming increasingly common), I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay my bills. I resent the folks telling me to calm down. Very much in fact, because it makes me even more nervous. I resent being told over and over I should go back to college, and being asked when am I going back to college, and why haven't I checked the issues with college, when I have two shirts fit for Winter and we're having trouble buying food again, and it's a 900 euro tuition, which is more than me and my Mum make together in a month...

My friend's Mum came out of a surgical intervention with flying colors though: first good news I had today.

Thursday Dec 11

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Windows sucks.

My sound card was dead when I went home yesterday. Supposedly. Until I found out, for some reason, Windows had decided it was a good idea to uninstall all sound drivers and wouldn't let me reinstall them. I spent a good deal of the night researching how to solve the problem: as I was downloading new drivers, the whole machine began to lag. While waiting for the motherfucker to arrive, I fell asleep. Already pissed, both at the machine and myself, I attempted to solve it again this morning, to no avail. My wandering hand tentatively reached out for the Ubuntu installation CD... frustration overcame fear, loathing overcame insecurity. I left it installing before I went out to work. After some minor configuration problems, I got it to work in perfection.

So goodbye and farewell again, spawn of Gates. I will lose my love for The Sims 2, or perhaps attempt to find a laptop with Windows and install it there, the sort of machine I'd use to bring to work or take on vacation. A secondary machine, where I can play The Sims 2 and shut off every time it gives me trouble, without compromising Lorna. A machine I can put away inside the closet and forget when I'm tired of its OS. My main machine only has one pleasure, and it's a Unix-based system.

Friday Dec 12

Crow, it seemed like the end of the week would never arrive. Another week I'm not gonna miss! It was raining this morning, and it's my Mum's free day. Or at least, one she took: she has been working her breaks lately. So, basking in the glory that is Unix (just took me a while to get Adobe flash to work, but then again, it was mostly due to my own stupidity), I spent most of the night organizing my comics and .pdf books. I'm getting quite a collection and can't find anything among the folders anymore. Deadpool is awesome, by the way. I love a character who's aware he is a comic book character. Screw the fourth wall.

Saturday Dec 13

With exception of some cleaning up and laundry doing, I spent most of my Saturday under covers. It was freezing and rained all day. I wanna go out! No money and nowhere to go sucks on toes.

Sunday Dec 14

Other than more very winsome D&D and arguments up the butt at home, nothing much to report. Same old same old: money, more money, money again, my brother, and bills, which leads, of course, to money again. By the time I finally fired up the d20 I was so pissed I could've choked someone. It's stuff like this that reminds me why I wear a die around my neck. If it wasn't for friends and the Game, I would've blown my brains out a long time ago.

Finding new and cool things in old places is amazing. You know when you get yourself a new album and listen to it diagonally, picking your favorites and putting it away? I'm finding songs I didn't know I liked in all the old albums. I have to mention Kill Bill's soundtrack again, because it's... just amazing. It's a great lineup of artists and songs.

For Generations to Come

Do you have any idea how many installments of Halloween there are? Nine. Eight movies and one remake of the original, by Rob Zombie, that reared its ugly mug last year. And there are even more of Friday the 13th: thirteen if you count Freddy vs Jason, but let me pick up Halloween since, sadly, I know it a little better.

The first one came out in 1978, and given the year and director, it was a pretty decent flick. John Carpenter is a director whose movies can fall on two categories: pretty good, or very lousy. As for the 70's, don't get me wrong. A lot of awesome movies came out in the 70's: The Exorcist was released in '73, Jaws in '75, Carrie in '76, Eraserhead in '77, the original Dawn of the Dead in '78, Alien in '79, just to mention a few. The slasher style was born in this decade, crowned by Texas Chainsaw Massacre in '74, but also were the psychological and goth styles was we know them. The 70's spawned many horror films which would become classics, and I'm really not saying Halloween isn't a classic in itself.

The problem lies in the fact that after Halloween showed up, Hollywood decided to milk it for all it had, even at the cost of kicking logical thought in the shins. In the first two sequels, I mean, because after that, they also anally raped it, broke its fingers, hung it from the neck, played piñata with it and filmed the whole thing to post online on a snuff film forum. They destroyed an otherwise decent flick by releasing sequels ad nauseam. There was nobody through the 70's and 80's who didn't watch Halloween, and even across the 90's and onto our time, the original flick is still available for rental at many spots. Why? Well it's hardly the only one that doesn't suck, and even if many think it does, they'll watch it for its crappy film fame. You've done this too, I'm sure. Everyone says a given movie is crap, and you're gonna watch just to make sure... but I digress.

The saga revolves around Michael Myers (except for the third film, which seems completely unrelated to the franchise and is about man-killing robots running rampant on Halloween night), a man who has been locked up in a sanatorium since he was six years old, when he murdered his older sister on Halloween night. After he was locked up, he left behind a younger sister, and a few years later, on Halloween night, Myers decides to finish what he began: he breaks out of the sanatorium and goes after her.

While it's a plotline as good as any, this is doomed to repeat itself over, and over, and over again. Myers breaks from the asylum, hospital or sanatorium, Myers stalks and terrorizes members of his family, Myers gets shot, burned, ran over or tossed from a second story window, Myers enters a coma or trance and is sent back to the asylum, or simply vanishes at the end of the movie. Just so he can escape from the asylum again or mysteriously come back on the next sequel. When it became obvious Laurie Strode, the girl Myers wants dead, can't take anymore of him, they pop in Jamie, a niece for him to chase and try to kill. This happens in Halloween 4, by the way, which was called The Return of Michael Myers. What the heck did he do in the previous two movies, then, if he's returning now? (keep in mind I'm not considering H3).

On Halloween 5, Myers comes back yet again for The Revenge of Michael Myers, and keeps haunting Jamie. By now, I'm pretty sure, and so is everyone, Myers isn't human. No human being, with the possible exceptions of McGyver and Wolverine, can survive what this guy's been through. Laurie shot him, his doctor shot him, the police shot him, Hell, I would shoot him myself if I had the chance! Bring in the S.W.A.T. to shoot this guy, he just keeps coming back! Well, this was supposedly explained by the next movie, Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers. If up until now, the saga isn't taking it up the butt, it begins as of this film: a group of druids (!) are protecting Michael Myers. They kidnap Jamie, she is raped and gives birth to Myers' child (!) and escapes. The Strodes are once again haunted by Myers from this on. Frankly, I don't think it's fear anymore, it's plain frustration. As proof, on the seventh movie, Laurie fakes her own death, changes names and runs away, and this son of a crow STILL managed to find her! And on the next one, a bunch of jackasses open a contest for 6 teenagers to spend a night in the Myers home. According to all opinions, the guy was finally killed for real in the previous movie. This brought him back, seemingly. Ever heard that expression about not fixing what's not broken....?

Well, finally we come to the remake. I guess since the Strodes weren't getting bugged anymore, the druids disbanded and the evil robots were too farfetched to bring back, they decided it was time to give Myers a rest. Last year, Rob Zombie dug him up. Rob (Mr. Zombie?) has apparently left the world of music to write and direct ugly effin movies. The House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and The Devil's Rejects (2005) were a weird version of The Hills Have Eyes meets Hostel, with a little satanism on the side for good measure. The first was kinda funny, I had my chuckles during it. The second wasn't so funny, and in fact, I recall wondering when would it end. He is now dedicating to bringing Myers back... again. The line about fixing what's not broken mentioned earlier in this post applies.

So Halloween literally haunted a whole generation of horror movie fans. By far, it's not the saga with the most movies. Star Trek features ten flicks, James Bond features over 20 movies, and Godzilla 27 and one remake, making it the one, to the best of my knowledge, with most sequels. The oldest one, Gojira, came out in 1954, making it over 50 years old now...

But you know what's really scary?

Halloween, as previously stated, came out in '78, and if you don't count the remake, it haunted us up to 2002. That's 24 years, more or less a whole generation. Now try to guess this. Which horror movie came out in 2004, and has been releasing sequels at the rate of one per year, having released its fourth this very year? Doesn't ring a bell? Okay: the star of the first flick only had five minutes worth of screen time, eventhough it had been present the whole movie: Tobin Bell. Still can't guess? Last hint: I SAW the first, I SAW the two first sequels and I never SAW it again. Got it?

Saw (2004) has done in four years what it took Halloween eleven to accomplish: one original movie plus four sequels. Much like with Halloween, Saw's first sequel was only half decent, and from the third on it's hardly worth it. Again, much like Halloween, the third movie hardly followed the pattern of the first two, and the fourth tried to pick it all up again. Are you noticing a pattern here? All generations have had their movie. In fact, anyone from any given generation can tell you of at least one flick, with several sequels or maybe just one or two, that was a hit. I would also like to remind you that a "generation" is widely understood as a 20 year gap... do you see where I'm going with this? Is it possible that after twenty-four years of movies, Halloween has found a franchise to which it can pass the crown of becoming THE generation's bad horror flick?!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Weekly Log - 1 through 7

Monday Dec 01

National holiday in Portugal, possibly our equivalent of Independence Day (did anyone like Independence Day, by the way?). I celebrated my independence to do whatever the Hell I wanted in the privacy of my own humble abode, by playing games, moving the furniture about and actually taking time to prepare a meal... instead of tossing a couple ingredients onto the same pan and hope for the best. I also celebrated my independence by only remembering what the holiday was about at the end of the day. Who cares anyway, as long as you either don't work or get paid double for your work, it's all good.

Tuesday Dec 02

My first (hah! As if I didn't know the trade all too well...) day working with Pops. I arrived at the office at eight and immediately entered a state of despair. There was a six month old layer of dirt and dust on everything but the keyboard and mouse. Had to clean up the whole thing, organize the drawers, dispose of two garbage bins filled to the brim with useless papers and dispute my workplace with a small community of mice. Not the only dwellers in this place either: snakes, lizards, spiders and cats are also a common sight. This is a desolate place to work, really. The walls and ceiling are caving in very slowly from loose debris, sand and age, there is no water whatsoever and I'm pretty surprised the wiring still works. It's a miracle how the office is still standing. It's a miracle, too, how you can have Internet here.

My first customer was precisely one of those people that make me loathe working with the public. He walked in, nearly coughing out a lung, looked at the bill, complained the name should've read "Engineer So-and-So" instead of "Mr. So-and-So" (these pedantic morons irritate the crow outta me...), complained about the price, charged it on his credit card and then bid me farewell by saying "I hope it's really fixed." Who the fuck does this piece of shit think he is?! It's meeting people like this I sometimes think some members of the human species should be dragged out of the building and shot out of their misery...

More lousy news awaited me when I came back home. Grandma isn't as fine and dandy as we were first led to believe. She's gonna come back to our place, which means my Mum will be sleeping on the couch. Grandpa once again proved he is one of the worst people I've met: when we asked him for help a couple of months ago because we didn't even have enough money to buy food, he said he didn't have a dime to spare. Suddenly, he has money for everything. See it's shit like this that makes me grateful I hardly ever see them, because if this had been said in my presence, it wouldn't go unanswered. Mum had a chat with me and the kid at dinner, and said a rule would be imposed for as long as Grandma is around: we are strictly forbidden to check on her, under any circumstance, unless she calls us. Because, I think, she's scared the old lady is gonna kick the bucket and we're gonna find the body.

In fact, we were told that Grandma will likely not last for long. Or become severely dependent for a long time. Frankly, I don't know which would be the worst.

Wednesday Dec 03

Crow, it's freezing today. It's colder inside the office than outside, believe it or not. Heating systems do not exist anywhere in the vicinity, neither do cooling ones during Summer. I'm inside a cube of cement planted in the middle of a yard, on my merry way to become cooler than I ever was in high school.

Pretty bored too. I brought my Gameboy along, a book and a few dungeon maps to edit on my spare time. It's nearing the end of the month, so a lot of people will be saving the car repairs for later on, if they have any cash left after the Christmas shopping is done. It's a pity I can't really watch movies here, streaming is not a good idea on bandwidth limit.

Thursday Dec 04

An SMS arrived for me to pay my Internet bill. An SMS - who the fuck charges via SMS? Needless to say, I didn't pay it, and after we all got home, Mum decided to lay the smack down on them via phone. Turns out, all our bills have been sent to an address that was ours, yeah... some seven or eight years ago. I gotta hand it to these guys - on the realm of messing up, kudos to them.

Friday Dec 05

Woke up a little later than expected, lost the first bus and had to rush my way to work. Incredible: a 10 minute delay at home grants you a half an hour delay on the bus. I checked schedules - before lunchtime, there's a bus every 20 to 25 minutes. If you're willing to walk up the street, you can get the train for less than half the price of a bus ticket and there's one every 10 minutes. The train screwed up traffic in Almada, but it's the easiest - not to mention, cheapest - way to move around.

Anyway, rushed to work, half an hour late. At least I'm not cold, try running up the avenue to my Pops' and there's no cold that can reach you. The guy in the bus was cool: the bus was full, so I entered via the back door. He let me ride the bus without a ticket, sent me away when I approached to tell him I hadn't paid for the fare. It was a lousy day today, apart from this: all day with my arms crossed, bored half to death and browsing Crime Library.

Saturday Dec 06

Lazed away. Played some Manhunt 2, some Sims 2, some Super Mario Bros. 3 and watched time go by. Nothing to do...

Sunday Dec 07

Well, managed to find something else to pass the time. Deadpool anthology, plus the first 30 numbers of Gen13 (the ones worth reading, you know? I used to have the first 10 numbers of this in Brazilian. Then the company that published it stopped doing so, and I never learned how that particular arc ended. All hail the Internet) and the final numbers of the Forgotten Realms arc published by DDP. Well, Pool is about 60-something numbers, so I oughta be done with it next week by this time...

No new movies popping around. It's been very poor as cinema is concerned. It seems everyone now prefers Veoh TV, which I refuse to subscribe to since I think it sucks and is about as fast as YouKu... still, I may have something in store soon. Started downloading a few old favorites.

YouTube Wednesday with Blondie

Here's another musical YouTube Wednesday for your entertainment, completely different from the previous might I add. Blondie had its moments (yeah folks, it's a band. The girl's name is Deborah Harry), especially throughout the 80's, when they weren't all stoned half to death as in during their first decade as a band. Call Me is an agreeable song, one of those you've heard enough times to nearly know by heart if you move in the same circles as me. It's hardly the sort you'll keep in your mp3 player, but one which you can tolerate when it pops up on the radio once in a while. Me, I kinda like it. It's from April 1980, and it hit the US charts about two months after another of their best songs - Atomic.

Weekly Log - 24 through 30

Monday Nov 24

I'm probably the only human being on the face of this blue orb of debris that is bored enough to find hearing the neighbors curse because the elevators are broken and everyone has to climb their way up the building extremely entertaining. It's quiet in the house, since my Mum's at work and the kid went to school. So I've spent most of my morning hearing grumbles, curses and complaints to nobody in particular through these very thin walls. I knew I wanted a first or second floor apartment for a reason. Imagine the poor guy who lives on the eleventh floor...

Tuesday Nov 25

Thermometers dropped everywhere, all of a sudden. Yay Winter. I pride myself of having some resistance to the cold, and up until now I've been wearing short sleeves about the house. When I need to put on a sweater, my Mum is halfway frozen already, to give you an example. Today I put on an effin sweater and walked with a blanket over my shoulders half the time. I'm very sure I could breed penguins in my kitchen.

Wednesday Nov 26

Three things worry me today, in this order, from most worrisome to less:

First off, the Internet provider hasn't sent me a bill yet. It's been nearly three months. I can live with the 'net dropping from time to time, after all, this is a wireless modem, and I learned all about how shitty wireless is since I had wireless controls for the Genesis, this isn't anything new. I get pissed if I have no means of contacting 90% of my friends. Still, no bill on the horizon... it worries me not only because of this, but also that if they make trimester bills, I'm gonna have a stroke once it finally gets here. Out of sight out of mind my ass.

Then there's the fact we at this house are hardly equipped for Winter this year. Two of my blankets mysteriously vanished, can't find half my Winter clothing and the other half is getting too big for me, we don't have heaters and having several outside walls made of plywood isn't helping. See, in this building, windows go from ceiling to floor. The previous owners of this house thought it'd be a good idea to close half of it with fake wall. Of course, fake wall is shitty against cold wind, and since now the window glass only covers half the window... do the maths. We are gonna freeze our butts off before New Year's Eve.

Last but not least -not by a long shot I'm afraid- I'm a little concerned with my budget until the end of the holiday season. No job companies calling me, I'm gonna end up working with Pops, but only on the second of next month and for the minimum wage. Everyone's well aware the holiday season fucks up wallets very easily, and mine isn't very healthy. I either find a way to save some serious cash 'til January, or I may as well start looking at the part-times from five to nine. Which is about as easy as picking your nose with boxing gloves.

Thursday Nov 27

Grandma went into surgery, Grandma came out of surgery, Grandpa beat it back to the South without waiting for the surgery results. And people say I'm exaggerating when I tell them he doesn't give a rat's ass for what happens to his wife. Marrying for fifty years never seems so stupid on itself as it does when I spend a few minutes with these two. Me, I fired up Manhunt 2 and killed a few people with syringes and pens. Very amusing - took me ages to get the game to work, but it's worth it. Rockstar games are awesome: easy controls, some of the best one-liners I've heard in a game ("I've got the hands of the Devil. That's why I jerk off." had me giggling like an idiot for quite some time) and likely a very nice story. Several Grand Theft Auto installments plus Canis Canem Edit cannot be proven wrong. Manhunt 2 is great.

Friday Nov 28

It hailed all day long: rain, rain, rain. I kinda like it when the weather's like this, provided I don't need to leave the house. Of course I wouldn't be so lucky: my brother weaseled out of shopping duties by finding himself an outing to the mall, and my Mum has a cold, so I eventually had to crawl out of my warm and comfy bed to face the elements for a loaf of bread, a box of coughing medicine and some milk. Apparently everyone in this block was expecting a mild November, like last year's, so they're all coughing, sniffing, sneezing, complaining and talking funny. The guy on the coffee shop whistles from one nostril when he breathes in too, in a display of possibly one of the most irritating and hilarious afflictions one can have due to a cold.

Saturday Nov 29

Bored. Spent the day sleeping. No cigarettes today. Also, Mum took up to playing Pokémon: Gold. I wonder what is it to Pokémon games that makes them so addicting. I'll be honest, I hate the franchise to kingdom come. There was a time, a couple years ago, when everywhere you looked, there was Pokémon. Every time I saw a Pikachu somewhere, I cringed. You couldn't walk out your door without spotting at least one kid with a toy, clothing item, backpack or Gameboy featuring Pokémon. And then it was suddenly gone, like all other fads... still, the games were -and are- sickeningly addictive.

I first played Pokémon Blue Version much before it was well-known here. It was one of those games you could get easily, bootleg for the PC. It took a while to reach this part of the world, since stories of epileptic kids having seizures because of it followed the franchise wherever it went. Still, I played the game, and loved it. Then the series debuted on national TV, and the shit hit the fan. Years ago, after finishing Silver, I said to myself I wasn't gonna pick it up again. 250 cute fuzzy animals to fetch is way too much.

Still, here I am. My Gameboy Color (the sea-green sort) still works, and Mum just started Gold so... she's bound to need some Pokemon from trading right? Ah, excuses... old habits die hard...

Sunday Nov 30

Manhunt 2 is great. Very stress-relieving. I managed to get my hands on an uncut copy. With the censorship on the normal copies, you can't see anything. And I mean it, you can't tell what the heck you're doing. Reminds me of the noise filter from Silent Hill: 0rigins, only three times as bad. And that you can turn off after beating the game, there's no turning off to Manhunt 2's censorship. There's probably nothing like being pissed at someone, go home, fire up one of these games and hack off some heads. I particularly like the bat: slam and half the head's gone. Seriously, everyone who enjoys a little gore with their game should get an uncut version. And all the talk about violence? Come on people, this isn't much worse than The Suffering and the controls are so much better.

Manhunt 2 was one of the most banned games I can recall. Europe didn't get it on all platforms and when it did, it had censorship up the butt. I heard somewhere it was recalled twice. Now I finally managed to get a working copy and -whataheck? This is nothing, people, it's GTA with more red pixels! If soccer mums are okay with their kids playing GTA this is just a step above! Besides, with all the warning labels on the cover, it should be enough for any impressionable kid's parent, provided he's paying attention half the time, not to let him play it until he's twenty-one! When did the rest of the world become so pussified...?

- This Post Title Was Censored -

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Weekly Log - 17 through 23

Monday Nov 17

The retard under my window came back at five in the AM, but it was too fucken' cold to get out of bed and go yell at him. Covered my head with the blanket and hoped he would slip on dog shit and break something. Doesn't need to be anything serious, so as long as he's taken away.

Had a lot of errands to run today, and managed to run nearly all. The only thing I didn't do was hang the clothes to dry. I went shopping, I took care of the gas problem, separated clothes to place on the tub and wash, took care of some dishes, and finally sat down and had a beer. The gas guy was awfully nice, since he had already been to my area and agreed to come back at the end of his shift to deliver the bottle. For a moment there I thought I was screwed until tomorrow morning.

Tuesday Nov 18

I spent all day thinking it was Wednesday already, for some reason. I even went looking for a good YouTube clip for YouTube Wednesday. My mind's way ahead of me.

Spoke to Pops on the blower, he said if I can't find a job until next month, he'll give me one at his office. Great: the more I try to get the Hell outta that business, the more stuck I get... still, it's better than not working at all and at least I know my way around that office. Also, free Internet, so I won't complain and take the offer. Seeing Pops everyday is really the only downside to it, plus the fact the office is freezing during Winter. There's even a tattoo shop on my way there, so I may be able to get a budget for my next tattoo sooner than expected. Now to hope he really pays me in time.

Wednesday Nov 19

My cat bit me in the calf for some reason. I assume at some point while I was hanging clothes out to dry, I must've stepped on him. It makes no sense he'd attack me out of the blue, right? Anyway, putting on my sneakers now means a world of pain (the little bugger has sharp teeth and bites deep, he does), so along with being bored half to death, I'm also stuck with sandals in the middle of November.

Thursday Nov 20

Crow, how I hate shopping. Especially when the supermarket is packed. No new movies on the horizon lately, but I found my old Gameboy so now I'm having fun finishing The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages for the fourth or fifth time.

Friday Nov 21

Spent the whole day reading on about serial killers, gruesome murders and other such goodies. Crime Library is an awesome site. Then I went on to watch An American Crime, which frankly... I still have mixed feelings about. Bored.

Saturday Nov 22

Very bored... Marlboro 100's seems to have vanished from the stores nearby, so I'm smoking Intense. Grandparents dropped by, Grandma asked me to pray for her since she's having that surgery. I've never prayed in my life, ain't now I'm gonna start. She never prayed either, I happen to know. Funny how fast people turn religious when they have a problem.

Sunday Nov 23

Even more bored... some jackass played hip hop all day again. Same songs as last time, in the same order, I'm beginning to learn the lyrics. Brother has my headphones and haven't given 'em back yet, so I'm actually playing LoZ: Oracle of Ages with its own sound. Still smoking Intense: short but sweet. They're cheaper than 100's, so I'm actually considering a change of brand.

YouTube Wednesday with Nightwish

This is a great video and a great song. Nightwish sang Sleeping Sun in their album Oceanborn, released in 1998 and second album of the band. However, this wouldn't be the sole version of the song: a radio edit version exists, and also a revisited version, appearing in the single of the same title and the compilation Tales from the Elvenpath.

'Junk'

*deepbreath**siiiiigh*

... why did I ever think a movie named Junk would be something other than precisely that? I'm gullible. Why did I even pick up this movie in the first place? Well, let me tell you how: I was bored, told a friend to give me a letter of the alphabet at random, it turned up J and I started browing the J page on the movie index at crunchyroll. Why did I agree to watch a movie with this name and this cover? It reminded me of Evil Dead and I thought it was a horror comedy. Why am I not laughing? Because it's a piece of junk, alright.

Despite having been made in 2000, Junk (before anyone asks, no, it's not porn) will surely summon forth bad memories of cheesy 80's action flicks. Atsushi Muroga wrote and directed this with the fewest effects available and managing to reunite an amount of talent as small as possible: mostly first-timers or actors who actually make a living by performing in crap such as this.

So here's the plotline, and it's as bad as they come: a Japanese-American project is being conducted in an abandoned factory somewhere in Japan, with the objective of bringing people back to life. It backfires, and their very first subject -a woman who spends 80% of the flick naked and the remaining being plain irritating- turns into a zombie. She then proceeds into turning the American doctor, the American nurse and a crowload of dead bodies gathered there for the experiment into zombies too. American military call the Japanese doctor who created the project to shut the whole thing down. Meanwhile, a group of three guys and one girl robbed a jewelry store and plan on selling their loot to the yakuza. The meeting point? The abandoned factory, where we finally have a big showdown with the robbers, the yakuza, the American military and zombies fighting, shooting and nibbling at each other.

I should really read about movies on IMDb before watching them. Had I read something similar to what I just typed, I would've never, unless I was desperately bored, watched this. But I did, and so, here come spoilers and a lot of cursing.

It's hard to point out good aspects in Junk. Because there aren't many, if at all. It's not credible at all, but I doubt that was the point: the American military send in one officer and a Japanese doctor whom as far as we're concerned had very little to no training (judging by the way he shoots, my money's on the later) to start a self-destruct process in an abandoned factory packed full of zombies. Right. If this had a drop of realism, the place would be nuked. Or at the very least, the SWAT would move in. They're called to action in other movies for a lot less. This isn't the main plothole though, this is: the main zombie isn't a zombie. Because zombies can't type on computers, speak, change haircolors at will and will be dead once the head's blown up. This bitch is hit, stabbed with an iron, shot several times, cut in half, shocked and finally explodes along with the place, and by the movie's end her charred skeleton is still alive!

Now I can accept if you tell me she isn't a zombie, she just carries the virus, and is in fact some sort of mutated creature which was once human, but no more. You can tell me she's virtually immortal. But this is popular knowledge: brain's gone, she's gone, period. Nothing, except maybe the mighty cockroach, survive without a brain. And that's why you should aim for the head, right? If the head is gone, it's gone! What in crow's name was alive in her, that she could still move, the marrow in her bones? Or are screenwriters so desperate for an "evil-never-dies" twist to the story they'll even rape the laws of anatomy?!

Of course they are. How many times did crow-damn Jason come back?

Another thing that'll make you laugh is the quality of dialog. Half of it is in Japanese and half in English. Only the Japanese speak Japanese, and the Americans speak English, even when they're talking to each other. Except when the Japanese speak English too, and proceed to horribly murder the language. Thank crow this has the English subtitles, because if I was gonna depend on my hearing alone to understand what the Japanese doctor says everytime he speaks in English, I wouldn't get half what's going on. It's hilarious that all the English people understand Japanese, but only enough to get the meaning of what the Japanese are saying. Then they answer in English and the Japanese also understand what they're saying, but then reply in Japanese. It's batshit!

Another thing that will surely remind you of bad 80's action flicks is the can of preserved cliché they popped open when constructing characters. The girl robber, Jun, is your common action woman: black leather, tattoo, likes fast cars and and loud music, is an impeccable feminist, but ends up being the sweetest person. Then there's Akira, your common Japanese bloke who dyed his hair blond. A wuss for 80% of the flick, he ends up coming back for Jun, and parttaking in one of the cheesiest, typically 80's endings I have ever seen: he gets Jun the car she's been desiring, which is an awesome black sports car, and they both drive away into an endless road with the loot they stole, after blowing up the factory. Yowza. The Americans in this couldn't be any more American if this was written in West Virginia by a Chicago native, produced in Texas by someone from Maine and debuted on NYC. And Nakada, the Japanese doctor-turned-action hero, who is tortured by the death of his wife so much he decided to start a project to revive her! What a crock of bull!!

Now when I spoke about Junk to a friend of mine, and described firsthand the horrors I had witnessed at the hands of this flick, he told me maybe they were going for a classic. They're trying to purposedly make it look like it was made in the 80's, and hence the hideous plot, horrible casting and dialog that sounds like crap. My question: why? I think we all agree some of the best action movies ever belong in the 80's and early 90's. Go no further than Terminator (1984). But the 80's also spawned much, much worse movies. Movies that this one emulates. Memories of them should have been left buried. Plus, this may also remind you of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, if for nothing else, because the SFX is nearly as bad. No rubber suits, but if you believe you can pose-jump out a window and avoid an explosion, you've seen one episode of sentai heroes too many.

But hey, maybe the movie is a satire. Maybe it's supposed to be bad. You know, like Bad Taste (1987) was a satire (or so we choose to believe)? Maybe Junk is a satire to zombie flicks! Well if it is indeed, it's a really very bad one. Shaun of the Dead (2004) is a satire to zombie flicks. Things like Junk and perhaps Braindead (1992), which very closely resembles it only with more gore, are what we like to call "splatters". I hate splatters. I like zombies, but I hate splatters. I assume a fan of Braindead would find this a little flat, even boring, compared to things we've seen in the past from that particular genre. Still, even in its genre, it's a bad effin movie.

Sound? Not so great. Acting? Very poor. Overall, I wish I hadn't seen it.