Ten (Useless) Items for Sale on Catalog

From time to time, I get a catalog at home. As I recall, I once bought an item from it, a book holder for those times when I had to type on the computer while researching. For school essays, it came in handy. Ever since I bought it, though (around 2002 in fact) I get the same catalog every month on the mail. And while some of their offers are very useful and cool... some are just stupid. Here's ten of those.

#10 - Dishtowel hangers
So you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, washing your dishes from the night's (or last night's) TV dinner. You get a dishtowel fresh from the drawer, dry up your plates, put them in the cupboard and consider your chores done. But wait: you now have in your hands a wet, cold, mushy dishtowel! Whatever shall you do with it? Fear not: just buy these dishtowel hangers, pinch one end on your towel, hang the other from wherever you want, and go about your business. Not only will your dishtowel be dry and ready to use when you come back instead of festering bacteria on the counter, but you'll never have to look for it ever again, since it's gonna be hanging from wherever you left it. And it's all possible thanks to this convenient little object!

First off, stop being a wuss. It's a dishtowel. It's meant to become wet and stay on the kitchen counter endlessly - or at least until you have to dry off some more plates. If you don't get some bacteria in your system, your white globes will get their ass kicked when the time comes to fight off the really serious shit. For eons before anyone ever heard of bacteria, dishtowels and kitchen rags hanged on a counter until they pretty much disintegrated, and the descendants of all those people who used them are still here.

Second point would be that unless you are one of those people who would rather have dents in your drawers instead of handles, you already have a place to hang the bloody thing to dry. In fact, if your kitchen doors or windows have knobs and handles, you have a place to hang them on. At the limit, hang the bloody thing along your clothes for a couple hours.

Third point... why do you want this? It's twelve for a €7.90, go down to your local Chinese store, you get five wall hooks (you know, the sort you can stick on the kitchen tiles? Or anywhere else by the matter?) for 80 cents. Even if you bring ten of them, you're still getting a better deal without waiting up to three weeks. After all, none of us wants you to sweat nervously, looking at your dishtowel lying next to the sink, gathering enough bacteria to kill the whole of the civilized world!

#09 - Banana case
When I was a kid, we had these little half-circle shaped lunch boxes, made out of plastic. You could easily fit a regular sandwich, a piece of fruit and a small pack of juice in them. Nowadays, snacks and lunches seem to have diminished considerably, often consisting of fruit. And what better fruit to eat on break than a banana? After all, it's got fiber, it's got sugar, and it comes in a yellow-tastic color. Unfortunately, bananas are also regarded as one of those fruits which are very easy to squish. So what? Do you take a full lunch box just for a banana - one that hides its yellowness to boot? No! You give away € 6.90 of your cash to buy a transparent banana-shaped case! Problem solved!

My problem with it? None whatsoever... other than the fact you're giving cash for something you probably already own, just because it's yellow and snugly fits your banana. And speaking of snugly fitting your banana, let's get one thing straight... would you actually pull this out of your suitcase, backpack or purse without the slightest hint of embarrassment, giggling or self-consciousness, in front of co-workers, co-eds or about anyone waiting at the bus stop? If so, leave a comment to receive Seion's Diploma of Absolute Nonchalance... or Seion's Certificate of Being Full of It, mark your option.

#08 - Mock security camera and car alarm
So you want some safety measure for your house or car, but you think most security systems out there are just too pricey - especially when you know that there are few chances of your house or car getting robbed. Because, you know, those things only happen to other people. For prices as accessible as € 16.90 (mock security camera) and € 7.90 (fake car alarm), you too can purchase a mock security system for your possessions. Both gadgets resemble the real thing in every detail... except of course they don't record or howl in case you're getting robbed. Still, thieves will think twice before trying to break into your home or vehicle, right?

Wrong.

See, there is a reason why there are so many videos of people breaking and entering. Because security cameras filmed them. Most thieves own caps and are willing to give away fifty or sixty cents for a Halloween mask to hide their identity, so they have no problem going in to rob places with cams. Some of them don't even give that much of a shit and just stroll in with their face showing. Of course, these people are usually caught, since they're on cam... unless you did purchase a fake cam instead of the real deal. Now not only did you get robbed with few chances of police catching the perp, since there's no way to identify him... you also have a piece of metal and plastic hanging outside your house that cost you 17 euros and is absolutely fuckin' useless.

The same goes for your car. So you have a light blinking inside - if some guys can get away with deactivating real alarms, the only thing your fake can hope to achieve is paralyzing them with laughter until the police arrives. Get real. Most thieves don't want to keep or resell your car. They just want to borrow it for a joyride as far away as its gas tank takes them. They couldn't give less of a hoot if the car has an alarm or not: they'll just take it. So just pay for the damn real security system, and spare yourself the embarrassment of explaining to the cops why your alarm didn't go off or why they can't see the tape from that camera.

#07 - No-splatter cover for electric mixer
"Tired of bothersome splatters leaping in all directions when you're mixing eggs, cream or others? Here's the solution! This cover is open on one side and has a central hole so that you can slide in your mixer and thus protect your kitchen counter from splatter!" This, folks, is an almost literal translation of the text describing the item. This, folks, is also one of the most sissified kitchen utensils I have ever seen.

What this does, basically, is cover up your mixer in a lid so splatters cannot get out. It's like using a mixer through a plastic lid. Now, if you ever worked a mixer, you know some techniques should be observed. Like using a deep bowl and not lifting your mixer too far up from whatever it is you're mixing. If you respect the latter, of course, you get next to no splatters. A mixer cover is basically the stupid, lazy, unobservant, € 7.90 costing way to do things. Besides, the way they put it in the ad, they make it sound like you're enough of a klutz to get half your batter all over the walls and ceiling in huge splatters! Remember that wet dishtowel you didn't know where to hang? Well use that!

#06 - USB mini vacuum cleaner
Stop reading this and take a long look at your desk. I'll wait. Back yet? Okay; see all those crumbs, dust bunnies, and the hideous grease marks between the keyboard keys? Aren't you ashamed? And wouldn't it be great if there was a simple way to vacuum all that dirt away while sitting comfortably? Well, couch potato, now there is! The mini vacuum can be connected to any standard USB entry on your computer and works just like the big ones! With just a few pushes of your fingers, you can vacuum away all the dirt on your desk, as well as clean your monitor and get those difficult stains in between the keys with the special brush accessory! And you can do all this for a mere € 16.90!

When I was a kid, an interim aunt of mine (I say interim since she was only my aunt for a year or so - then she got divorced from my uncle, and I never saw her again) gave me a mini shovel and pan for Christmas. When I asked what it was for, she told me it was to sweep the crumbs on my desk. It's funny, because before I had this wonderful utensil, I used to clear them crumbs away with a wet cloth like most human beings out there. It was just one more thing to take up space on the aforementioned desk, and had next to no usage since I had a faster and less stupid-looking way to do it in the first place. This mini vacuum, however, takes the cake as stupid and useless goes. It's about the size of a cigarette pack. Tell me you wouldn't feel stupid hooking that thing up to your computer and pushing it across your desk with two fingers.

Plus, here's yet another thing you're gonna hook up to your CPU, so it can consume unnecessary electricity, take up a USB entry and do something that is absolutely useless! Plus, you're telling me you're paying for it? This is the sort of thing you don't pay for. This is one of those objects that your friends clearly identify as a present from someone who thought it was "cute". Like a relative who doesn't know much about you, or that friend who thinks he's wacky and unpredictable. You want to pay 17 euros for the pleasure of pushing a miniature vacuum across the desk? Grow up, get off your ass and fetch your wet dishtowel.

#05 - Scarecrow stripe
Bird are a pleasure to many. And a nuisance to many others. See, birds have this habit of shitting wherever they stop. If it's a place you don't want them to shit on, well... you need to get them away. For € 7.90, you can purchase a roll of metallic, foil-like stripe. Tie it to your balcony, porch, windowsil or tree limbs, and the noise they make will scare away birds easily! Plus with the light reflecting on them, birds will surely not come back!

Now the only question is: do you want your porch to look like you tied pieces of tin foil to it? Because... this is what it is. It's a roll of super-resistant tin foil.

You know what else scares birds away? The lack of food. Stop feeding the damn things, and they'll probably go elsewhere in seeking nourishment. Still think the tin foil is a good idea? How about one of those sprays they sell at the Chinese store for € 2? The sort that spooks away dogs from the furniture... there's a bird version, you know? Still think the tin foil is a good idea? Alright: wax your porch. If you wax it, the birds can't get a good hold of it. Wait, you still think the tin foil is a good idea? Well... it is your business if you want to have a house that looks like it's been protected against alien brainwaves. Before you do buy a roll of ultra-resistant tin foil, consider this... duct tape. It's silvery, it comes in a roll, it does the same bloody light-reflecting effect!

Ah. Don't forget this as well: birds are also capable of flyby attacks. Enjoy your shit-covered scarecrow stripes.

#04 - Shoe remover
One of the worst moments of my days is getting home. It's not the getting home per se, actually, but the whole process between coming out from the street, and getting comfortable at home. One of the main things needed to achieve this effect is removing my shoes as fast as possible. So I usually sit down, cross legs, remove my left shoe, and then switch legs and remove my right shoe. It's a simple process that takes me less than a minute, even with my boots. Isn't that horrible? All that bending, and leg-switching, and pulling and huffing, and it takes so long! How can I achieve my comfort faster? In comes the shoe remover!

The shoe remover is a plastic piece that allows you to put pressure on one side with your right foot, and use the fork on the other side to remove the left shoe! Afterwards, you can stand on it with your left foot, and easily remove the right shoe! No bending, no huffing, no leg-crossing or switching, and it's all done in a matter of seconds! It's a bargain too, at € 7.90 (which seems to be the favorite price of this particular catalog...) a piece!

Again: grow up. Can you actually take off your shoes with this piece of crap? Or would you end up losing your balance and having to bend over anyway to take your shoes off? Because seriously, I can see this working with simple flats... try a hefty pair of boots or your favorite sneakers. I mean, even as simple flats are concerned, you can remove them easily without bending... by kicking them off of your heels! I'm looking at it and I can tell you the best result you'll have is a hurt heel and a shoe half off, which still needs to be removed manually! Plus, what will you do for sneakers or straps? You still have to bend, sit or stand on one leg to get them untied. While you're down there, remove the fuckin' shoe!! What use is a shoe remover that only works with one or two types of shoe? Stop being lazy. You don't do much exercize as is. Bending over to take your shoes off is the closest you ever get to a sit-up, don't ruin that!

Now, I did consider one thing. Maybe this is meant for the elderly. They are, after all, the age group with the most problems in bending down and getting rid of their shoes. Then it dawned on me... making an elderly person take off his shoes with this is cruel and unusual punishment. Unless he was leaning on a wall, he wouldn't have much leverage to remove a difficult to take off shoe. Again: he'd end up losing his balance and dropping down, maybe hurt his ankle on this thing. Overall, it's a bad fuckin' idea. Everyone takes their shoes off in less than a minute. And if you don't, you're wearing the wrong ones. Keep your € 7.90 and save a bit more for a proper pair.

#03 - Front seat back cover
You have a car, you want to keep it clean. Especially the seats. A lot of your daily life can interfere with your intents, however. Particularly in two main groups: dogs, and kids. Taking your dog to the vet in the car is an adventure in itself. You may want to purchase a seat cover where your best friend can ride, puke, piss, shit and shed at will. But that's cool. It's a dog. It can't tell you it wants to piss or puke. It can't help shedding. A seat cover is in hand.

Someone picked this idea and decided to apply it to kids as well. The front seat back cover is a plastic cover that is easily applied to the back of your front seats. Your kids can place their feet up now as often as they want: there is no way in Hell they'll get anything dirty! Plus, it's washable, so you can get rid of dust and dirt tracked by the little angel's little feet right onto it. It's also 2 units for € 6.90, well that's really a steal!

You know what else is a steal? Not buying this and forcing your kids to stay quiet when they ride your car. I can understand the concept of wanting to cover whatever it is your kid has to come in contact with. There are things kids don't care for. Like muddy shoes on your front seat's back. And let's face it, it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of shouting to convince your little bundle from Heaven to take his damn feet off your damn seat. It's easier to just buy the covers. The ad itself states that "(...) it is useless to tell kids to keep their feet off your seats (...)". Huh... no it's not. Because when my Pops told me to keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats, I'd keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats. Or ultimately, take off my shoes. Plus, you're only solving a part of this problem. Your seats aren't dirty anymore, but you back is still wrecked from the kicking your little angel does to the front seat. So what do you do? You scold him. If you're gonna scold him for kicking, take the chance to scold him about getting his feet where they're not supposed to be. And you just saved yourself € 6.90. Aren't you proud?

#02 - The fulminator
Have a problem with flies or mosquitos? Tired of all those flies around the kitty litter or trash bin? Fear not: the fulminator is here! This device is shaped like a tennis racket, which you can use to catch those bugs. The net emits a very low electric current, which fulminates your flies and mosquitos without bloodshed, without getting your walls dirty, and without the use of polluent chemicals. It works on two batteries and it can be yours now for € 9.90!

Now... the most sadistic among us will be thrilled with this thing. After all, they can now buzz their bugs to death, instead of just spraying them and watching them die. You and I, however, live in the world of reason and were born and raised in the 80's and early 90's, by parents who lived in the 60's and 70's. We know how you get rid of flies and mosquitos. With a newspaper. Or a fly swatter. It's in the goddamn name! Fly swatter! It's there to swat flies with! An electrified tennis racket? Get outta here!

Now three groups may argue this racket has advantages. The animal rights people, housewives and ambientalists. And I'm here to tell them all they're a bunch of horse's patooties.

Your animal rights folk will tell me this is a more humane way to get rid of flies, of course, since it's instant, and the poor thing doesn't suffer. To them, I say the following: the more humane way to get rid of flies out of them all, is to catch them one by one in your hands, and letting them go outside your window, keeping it closed no matter how hot the day is, so that they can't come back in. But you're not gonna do that, are you? Of course not, because it's a fuckin' waste of time. Plus, swatting is just as effective. At least when it's me swatting. I can assure you, never a fly realized what had hit it. Usually, it was a flyer from IKEA. There. Just saved you ten euros you can instead give to some worthy cause.

Housewives, however, don't want their walls dirty with fly remains. Remember that wet dishtowel? Go get it and get any remains cleaned. Not happy? Well, it's a matter of method, then. Kill your flies with a newspaper, and use that very newspaper to wipe out their remains. Easy, ain't it? Just saved you ten euros, ma'am, I'm happy to be of assistance.

Then come the ambientalists. By now, they've realized they can't complain of my method. Fly swatters will last you a lifetime unless you break them, and newspapers can be recycled with or without fly guts all over the prime minister's face. Plus, batteries are some of the harder to track pollutants out there. I just saved the planet, plus ten euros you can use to fund Greenpeace or buy Al Gore's DVD.

#01 - Sudoku toilet paper
The king of useless catalog bullshit. A regular roll of toilet paper, with a sudoku puzzle printed on every sheet. € 5.50 buys you a pack, and... why am I even trying with this one? Any asshole can see it's useless... literally! The ad's suggestion is that instead of taking a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom, you can take a pen and start solving the sudoku puzzle printed on the paper you'll be wiping your ass with in no time... first and foremost, if you can write on a single sheet of regular toilet paper, you're now my hero. Congratulations. Pick your complimentary tighs at the exit. And if you can wipe your ass with toilet paper you just spread ink all over of with a clear conscience, kudos to you, you're an idiot. Folks, it's toilet paper. It's bad enough they do them in all colors of the apeshit spectrum. I really love the color black, and I don't buy black toilet paper or napkins, because I realize it's a waste of fuckin' cash since they're twice as expensive as the regular ones! Nobody loves sudoku puzzles this much! And if you're spending enough time in the can to solve a sudoku puzzle on your toilet paper, open a browser window, access Google, and look up hemorroids!

Sudoku toilet paper... I just can't get over it. You can acess sudoku generators online! Plus it's a waste of perfectly good puzzles, unless you can wipe your ass with just a sheet of toilet paper! It's a waste of good paper, good ink, good time and good shit. Seriously. If you see sudoku toilet paper at someone's house, there are two possible reasons why it's there. Either that person has some serious bowel movement issues, or they're clearly obsessed with numbers. Either way, you're at the home of one serious asswipe. I mean it: breathe slowly, don't make any sudden moves, and make your way outside as fast as you can.

Ten Easy Ways to Name Your Metal Band

Long hair: check. Black clothes: check. Social outcast at school: check. Real or imaginary talent for lyric-writing and song-composing: check. A wish to fuckin' rock all the time: checkitty check check. Band name: ......huh-oh. But worry not, newborns of the headbanging world. Seion is here to teach you ten easy ways to name your heavy metal band and make it sound just like the pros. As names go, of course... because as music goes, in sounding like the pros, you're on your own.

#10 - Latinization
Metal fans love Latin, especially if they belong to two distinct sub schools. On the one hand you have the Goths, who wear hundred-pound golden crosses around their necks in almost the same way the hip-hop people do, and like white women in long flowing dresses and their effeminate vampire boyfriends. They love Latin because that's the favored idiom used by the Christian church, which would be from where they derive a good deal of their inspiration (don't forget the ultimate Gothic book is Dracula - a lot of Christian church symbolism there). On the other hand, you have the Antichrist folk, who think it's still a shocker that people worship or pretend to worship His Infernal Majesty (most commonly the latter), and that by turning onto the other side of the spectrum they are denying every single aspect of their church-going childhood. These guys haven't realized yet that the opposite of worshiping and respecting is plainly ignoring, so most of them errs by excess. They like Latin too, since Latin is one of the main idioms if not the main idiom used by the Catholic church: the Anti-Christian cult being one that centers on parodying the Christian one in pretty much the same way that irritating younger brother parodies everything you say and do, they will use Latin in their band names often as well. If your band belongs to any of these, well kudos to you, go buy a Latin dictionary so you can also translate song lyrics and names, and name your first three albums while you're at it.

As for every non-Goth non-Demonic band that wears a Latinized name, you must remember in which instance other than the Catholic church is Latin used. Go listen to a little bit of classical music and you have a winner: Latin is, up to a period of time, the one idiom used in the opera, even if by then the Latin language was dead and buried a long time ago. A latinized name reminds you of requiems, orchestral melodies, epic stories and The Lord of the Rings. If that's what you're going for, well kudos to you too. You probably don't need a Latin dictionary as much as the rest of the folks, probably lurking the Internet for a Latin translator will do. Or you can just pick a Latin expression you know from elsewhere and use that. Remember, most people don't give a shit and aren't forced to learn the bloody language in the way I did, so nobody will probably check out what it means. You could name your band Ad Nauseam and it would still sound good.

#09 - Get "Death" in it
There is a word that will lend any skimpy little band a little street cred, as metal goes. Metal is an aggressive form of music, that is just one of the reasons why it's called metal. Over the years, a series of words in band names and lyrics have become the tools of the trade as naming goes, and if you're about to enter the business, someone should give you a briefing on these. The main one is what we're aiming for here: "Death".

We all know Death is the goal we mean to achieve through conflict, the death of your opponent. Be it physical (refer to Power Metal) or emotional (in come the Goths again, closely followed by the Nu Metal crew) or intellectual (because we live in the 21st century and humiliation is often likened to death, yet still widely accepted). The only thing we need to know now, is when and where to use it, according to where you're going with it. You could just get it everywhere, from band name to tour name, but that would just sound cheap. You'd be just like a poser. Or Dethklok from Metalocalypse. And the saturated use of the word "Death" is not brutal.

So if you're into Death Metal *nudge nudge*, you're in the clear. Use this word as if it was peanuts: have it anywhere you want, whenever you want, for whatever you want (if this confuses you, refer to this article). You are free, revel in it. Plus, from the way you're going to sing it, nobody will even realize how often you say it unless they bother to read the lyrics - and it they do, they're real hardcore fans and won't mind. If you're going for the Goth style, use it moderately and always make it sound like just another phase of the dating process. If Power Metal is your thing, Death means either the complete victory over thine enemies or your own glorious perishing, so you can get it on the lyrics, but save something better for the band name. Something with a fantasy reference, the geek market is wide and almost unexplored.

Some people like to be careful. They want the sound but not the morbidness. That's where things like "Deth" and "Dett" come from - same shit, different asshole. For more usages of the word "Death" (or its two ugly sisters) scroll down to the next pointers.

#08 - Internationalizing
In order for your band to be a success internationally, people need to know its name. To get people to know your name, it usually needs to be something they can pronounce. (the Finnish do not abide by this rule. If you're from Finland, call the band whatever you want in Finnish, fans will come to learn the name, for the Finnish are born with epic coming out of their ears. And if you're singing Folk Metal, having a nearly unpronounceable name is mandatory). Most bands find a name in English, since English is that easy-to-learn language nearly everybody knows, and the language in which the vast majority of songs of any kind are sung. If Numa Numa came with English lyrics, we'd have never seen the end of it.

Of course, you may want to be like the Finnish and give your band a very national name, in hopes the exotic sound will entice people to check it out. Or you may not even be close to Finland and give your band a Finnish name to borrow some of their awesomeness. This is called "internationalizing". By internationalizing, you're going farther than just plain English: you're finding a name on the other side of the fuckin' globe if needed to capitalize on the "exotic" and "uncommon" factors. Let me give you an example: have you ever heard of a band called Gaijin Sentai? Yeah? No? Well... they're Brazilian. What do they sing? Anime and old sentai show songs, of course, what else... spooky shit.

It is a possibility: if you're from Spain, go find a name in Iran. You're from the US? Try Germany. French? Go check some American Indian terms. If you're from Finland, once again, you're in the clear. Of course this can backfire in some places: what do you figure the Japanese think of a Brazilian band called Gaijin Sentai? Would you like an Italian band to call themselves Gigante Adamastor?

#07 - Two become one
One-word band names are very popular. They're easy to remember and easy to say when you're drunk off your ass (unless of course you name your band Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but then again, if you did, your road manager's reaction of "You're shitting me." would probably give you a clear hint that it's a bad idea). Many legendary bands have one-word names: Razor, Metallica, Stratovarius, you name it. So a one-word name it is... but which? After all, the ultimate metal name is taken (read above, you'll get there...) and most of the cool words are taken as well... what ever are we going to do? Before you go buy a dictionary and seek the leanest meanest word you can find, check below.

Get two words and juxtapose them to form one.

That's right. Get two words and juxtapose them to form one. It's a fad nowadays. You can have two related words, or unrelated words too - it doesn't matter, but they usually are related. Why call your band Dark Side if you can call it Darkside for added effect? What you get is a word that has an effect (Dark) and one that hasn't (Side) made into one whole, meaningful (more or less) word of win. And everyone knows single word band names look better on the album and magazine covers. Plus, with that particular example, you're avoiding a huge lawsuit by Lucasfilms.

#06 - Typos
Normal names usually aren't very "cool". Unusual names, with plenty of Ks, Ys, Zs and double letters are cooler. And you must also keep in mind that some already cool names can be further "cooled" (is this even right, grammatically?) through creative writing. And by creative writing I mean doing what hundreds of teenagers texting each other out there have already learned: Cs can be easily replaced with Ks and who needs an S when you can easily shove an X into any sibilating syllable? A practical example would be the band Kreator - they wouldn't surely have as much success if they were just plain Creator...

The same method can be used if you are looking to use an already well-known name yet want to do your own thing, much in the same way as "Death"'s retarded and ugly sister "Dett". Let's pick up a name which inspires fear in the hearts of those who actually give two shits about checking out what it refers to, like Ctulhu. We all know what Ctulhu is (and if you don't, you're a lucky one. But since you're in front of a computer terminal, you're probably opening a browser window to go check it out anyway, so...) and those who took the time to read H.P. Lovecraft instead of just watching movie or game adaptations, cool as they may be, know that it is a name that inspires fear and respect. That's what you want for your band, but you don't want all the problems that come from borrowing in the name of a mythical sea demon-god octopus thingie. So keep the sonority and just call yourself Ktulu. Of course, fans are dumb but not that dumb: they'll realize where you borrowed it from. But it's still not the same, so you can say it as many times as you want without fishmen knocking at your door and Dagon raping your girlfriend.

Overall, what you also want to do is avoid round letters as much as possible. If you want to be fuckin' hard, and you know you do, you must have an aggressive-sounding name as well as an aggressive-looking one. A lot has been done with fonts, but it helps if you can write the name in straights lines only - hence the resort to Ks, Ys and Zs. Because everyone would date Kathy since she's crazy and wild but few would look at Cathy since she's a sweet and innocent farmgirl.

#05 - Honorifics
So you've just started a band and you need to get your name out there. You want to be big, so, much like a prey defending itself from a predator, you're going to make yourself bigger than you actually are. One way to do this is to give yourself a honorific. After all, the Dukes of Hazzard wouldn't be much if they were the Hazzard Family instead.

Find yourself a honorific you like. You can pick it up from royalty (Duke works well, as does King and Lord. Short stuff. Hell, Queen worked wonders!) or profession (Doctor, or if you want to consider the previous pointer, Doktor, works well) and add it to yout band name. You can even make funny puns using up meaning and sonority but not actual words, in the same way as Dr Acula did (oh brother... it's a pun, alright, a groan-worthy pun). Honorifics work because human beings have been wired from birth to consider anyone who can legally write a couple more words before or after their name one awesome guy. Some of us grow to understand those who can legally write a few more words before or after their names are as much likely to be douchebags as the next man, but not all of us. Plus, imagine all the awesome shit the fans can tell you. Having your groupies come in "for consultation" saying they need "an injection" is one of those things most of us have only seen in 70's porn flicks, but through this method it can be your everyday life! Again, if you like bad puns and double entendre so old someone should pull the plug on it, you're in business.

Before you do this, however, you must gather your band and ask them if any of them will fling a chair at the reporters when one asks "Are you really a certified physician?" during your first tour. Of course, if you all got master's degrees in something, you can very smugly say that why yes you are...

#04 - Completely unrelated
My kingdom for anyone who finds any relation between the words "cunt" and "worm" (for further knowledge, refer to #09), which incidentally is the name of a death metal band. Sometimes you get band names composed of non-juxtaposed words, usually two, which have little to no relation to each other. I'm saying it's a usual process, I didn't say it was a smart process. The name of your band says a lot about what you stand for, so if you name your band, let's say, Goat Semen (yes, it is a real band. Check their biography: they claim to play something called Total Trendkiller Southamerican Terrorist Death Black Destruction. I don't even need to comment, it's already poking fun at itself)... that likely says a lot about what you stand for.

If you're picking two completely unrelated words, you likely want to sound a little insane. It is a common method used by bands in those "extreme" styles, like Grindcore. You must understand, of course, that from the moment you do this, in 90% of the cases, you're tossing your intelligence out the window. The same will likely happen when naming albums and tours, when writing lyrics, when dressing for gigs and getting your makeup on, when shouting unintelligible shit to the fans and, one day, when you tell yout grandchildren you were so bad your name didn't even made fuckin' sense. I won't lie, I think this is the cheapest way to name your band, and the one that produces some of the worst bloody results in the history of music.

See, some of these names sound like they make sense. Sometimes, the two words that compose them are related somehow. Take Cradle of Filth, or Napalm Death. On the first, you get a sentence you can read and interpret - the words make sense together. On the second, one is a consequence of the other: napalm falls, everyone dies. It's not completely apeshit... but they are unrelated words meant to evoke a given image in your mind, one that doesn't make much sense as the band is concerned most of the times - alternatly, meant to just sound badass. When researching for this article I stumbled upon a band called Cattle Decapitation. Their first album is called Humanure (yet another groan-worthy pun...). Why in the name of crow would anyone want to name their band Cattle Decapitation? It's not overly easy to say... the image it evokes doesn't say much either... it doesn't sound particularly badass. What were they thinking?

Still, it is a vallid method. If you want to try it, do the following: get a dictionary and pick two pages at random. Rip them off the book and hang them on the walls. Then gather a few friends, get drunk or high or both, and in between throwing up and blubbering about how nobody understands you, toss two darts at the hanging dictionary pages. If nobody loses an eye, take the two words the darts hit and you have your band name. If you want it faster, use this.

#03 - Getting your name out there
Some bands are all about a group of musical virtuosos gathering in a quest for the awesome. Some bands are all about this one guy. It's usually the frontman, but not always. I'll give you an example outside of metal, since it's the first that occurs to me out of the blue: Dave Matthews Band. You know Dave Matthews is in there, he is the band founder in fact. Who else is in it? Unless you're a fan, you have absolutely no idea.

There's no problem if you are a one-man band. It would make no sense, after all, for Alice Cooper to call himself anything else. It's just the one guy, it's his name out there. But if there's three of you, how fair is it to call your band your own name? What a selfish bastard you are. The musical world is a dog-eat-dog one, (much like every other world out there, in fact) and if you hope to make it, maybe you'll have to ditch your less attractive / less talented / less likely to make it band. If you hope to build up a solo career fast, however, it'd be useful if people were already familiar with your name. So why not use your band as a leaping platform for yourself? It's legitimate. If you can convince the other guys to call your name to the band, it's pretty much done: you're the genius, and they're only there because you don't have time to do everything.

On the other hand, you're at the risk of not being all that big. At least not as big on your own as the band. Tarja Turunen was Nightwish' pearl for years, but when she left, the band kept playing with success and few have heard from her since. It leads me to believe that if they were called simply Tarja, upon separation, the rest of the folks would go on to form a new band, and the fans would go after them all the same since Tarja's success cannot, apparently, overshadow all the other band members. Of course, if you want to take the chance of your band kicking you out before you manage to make yourself well-known enough, or the chance of you not being as much a genius as you think you are, by all means...

#02 - Calling all geeks
Let's face it: a lot of metal sub schools were made by geeks for geeks. That's right: we are way more than you think. Several of us gather to play D&D and eat junk food just next door to you and you have no idea, since the only time plenty of us are seen together is when George Lucas cooks up yet another Star Wars prequel or any sort of convention is happening. Not all of us are overweight, have braces and wear glasses. Not all of us scored great grades at school. The guy sitting next to you on the subway right now, who looks like a regular dude in a suit heading off to work, is actually listening to The Lord of the Rings soundtrack on his mp3. That girl you fancy at the office has the biggest collection of Enterprise models known to mankind and is fluent in Klingon. That guy at the bar never said a word about Dr. Who and he knows the title to every single episode, as well as the first airing date and a shitload of useless trivia. Your girlfriend may be entangled in a forum discussion over whose Star Wars character would make a better hubby as you read this and you have absolutely no idea.

Take a while to panic, calm down, digest that and come back. Are you back? Okay. Geeks are one of the ultimate outcast groups, seeing as even amongst themselves there are outcasts. They are also very frustrated and angry at times, and have next to no outlets. Finally, they like to hear songs about shit they know, and nobody else does. If you can understand every single reference in Nightwish' Wishmaster, you know what I mean.

If you're a geek already, you know what to do. This has proved without a shade of a doubt, that if it's done, the fans will listen. Don't feel bad that you're basically borrowing from another fandom's popularity, after all, you're just giving the people what they want, and that's a business as fair as any. Pick up a reference and use it as a band name. I am still waiting to see a band call themselves such awesome names as Treepi-O, Gothmog Lord of the Darkness. Or who knows, Captain's Log. If nobody else picks it up, fine and dandy. If they do, they'll listen, no matter how shitty the music is.

#01 - Grossing it out
In some metal sub schools, the grosser the better. Remember that kid you went to school with? The one who liked the really gross stuff, and thought that pus was the greatest thing ever created under the Sun? The one who knew ogrish dot com end to end and usually browsed it while he ate his lunch for added effect? Every school had one, and there's a reason why nobody remembers who he was at this point: he either changed his ways, or you ditched him. I'm as cool talking about pus as the next man, but a guy that gets vomit-inducing images on your head every time he opens his mouth can get a bit tiresome. Especially if at some point in his life, he started wearing t-shirts to match (read, any album cover of Cannibal Corpse) and you're on your way to tell your newfound love he is your best friend. You get a few of these together and give them some instruments and voilá: we have a band in need of a name. Crow only knows what will happen.

If this is your situation... well, why do you need my aid? You have a talent, my boy. One nobody wants you to use, but a talent nonetheless. Just think of the most disgusting thing you can, and you have a name. Jewels of the genre are band names such as Prostitute Decapitation, Vomitory, Dying Fetus and the aforementioned Goat Semen, if you want to assume it was done on purpose.

Ten D&D Ideas for Bards

#10 - The Little Mermaid
The Little Mermaid bard is an idea I had a while ago. The idea of a bard who loses his voice is a nice one - or, like the nymph Eco, one who can only repeat what is told to him by way of some curse. The Silent Casting feat is a must-have, of course, and it should be agreed with the DM that it comes naturally to the bard as a starting feat... or at least, for the duration of his curse, after which it can be replaced or not.

The Story: This bard was an extremely talented singer in the beginning. The sort that could easily make a living from street performance alone, as his voice enticed people into listening for long periods and tipping his efforts well. Until the fateful day he had the idea of singing a limerick for a sorceress who happened to ignore him on said street: she cast a curse upon him that he wouldn't be able to speak or sing until he had earned a right to a voice again. The variations are infinite: he can be doomed to only say and sing the words in the limerick that doomed him. Or repeat only the last thing he's told. Or he can only be able to speak when he has something of true relevance to say.

The Quest: His quest and first priority are, of course, recovering the ability to sing. Again, the variations are enormous: he may only be able to sing once he attained a certain level; he may have to complete a series of sidequests or a number of tasks (like improve the life of a number of people); he may have to find and kill the sorceress that cursed him; or he may have to find a specific Remove Curse scroll, as rare as a donkey born without balls.

Favored Instrument: Anything that can effectively be accompanied by voice. A guitar works well, an accordion makes for some comic relief, a harp would go well with repeating only the last thing said to him. Pays homage to the Greek tradition.

Music Type: Depends on what instrument he uses, but the more expressive, the better. He may use music as a way to communicate and give away how he is feeling, since he cannot speak.

Roleplay Tips: It is hard to roleplay a character with major impediments. I know - I used to roleplay a blind samurai, and I still used the verb "to see" very often, although he could not. This guy would use song to express himself: fear, anger and love may be easy, but try playing your way into making someone understand you're hungry, or ill, or you know there's a trap up ahead. Writing would be a way to go over it, but if it can be expressed through gestures and song, it is preferable. Once he regains his voice, assuming he can, this guy can be either a regular chatterbox - because he hasn't spoken in so long and has so much to say - or a very quiet person - since through his years of silence he became accustomed to not speaking and making himself understood in few or no words.

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#09 - The Blind
There is a Japanese legend about a blind bard who was once bothered by spirits. He played so well even a dead princess and her court demanded to hear him. The bard was oblivious to the fact everyone he sang to every night was dead, and he was in fact sitting in front of a large, ancient cemetery. Eventually, a monk discovered what was happening, and decided to help the bard escape certain doom. After all, once he finished the epic poem he was singing, the dead princess would most certainly want to keep him.

So the monk painted the bard's body with a spell meant to keep him invisible. That way, when the princess' goons came to pick him up, they would be unable to see him and assume he disappeared, so the bard would be freed. The problem is, when the monk painted the bard's body, he forgot the ears. When the princess' guard came to pick him up the following night, he saw only a pair of floating ears, which he immediately ripped away from the invisible head to bring to the princess, assuming the bard had in fact disappeared and only the ears were left. Thus the bard became deaf.

Playing someone like this requires a lot of adjustments and agreements with the DM. It's hard to do, but with the right feats and adjustments, it may be a very interesting character with very interesting... views on life. (pun obviously intended)

The Story: This bard was born blind (in which case, level and feat adjustment apply for him to be able to function fairly normally) and learned how to play at a very young age, eventually becoming very good. So good in fact, his influence reaches even the spirits. Since the bard is blind and cannot see who is and isn't undead, he treats the undead as regular living people - including any damage, enchantment and critical hit he may deal when using music. And I realize that even if we do not see them, they are still undead and take damage as such, but it's just a way to put it. His sight or the lack thereof has nothing to do with his ability, which comes exclusively from the way he plays.

The Quest: In keeping up with the original legend and the bard's influence on the undead, you may choose to give him a quest to bring peace to revolted souls. It is his sworn duty to aid spirits in passing to the other side through song, and exorcising places haunted by the undead.

Favored Instrument: In the original legend, the bard plays a string instrument. I would go with a blow instrument here, though. it would be easier for a child to learn and doesn't need as much maintenance as a string instrument.

Music Type: Calm, soothing songs. Check out any CD with Celtic music performed on a flute and you get a slight idea. The kind of song you'd play to take a quiet snooze.

Roleplay Tips: This is the most tranquil fellow anyone will meet. There are certain limitations to the actions he may take, being blind: he would need some aid in certain tasks, his speed would be much inferior to that of normal characters, the Blind Fight feat is, of course, a must. Still, this is a very calm guy. He believes he was granted a power, which he must use for good. Still he is also aware he will not be able, in his lifetime, of turning every single revolted spirit out there. So he goes about his business quietly and does his thing without worrying much. In dialog, keep in mind the guy is blind. Voice tone and way of speech are more important to him than facial expressions. He is also likely to be a good diplomat and an argumentative fellow. Not being able to see, he must pay careful attention to what is said. It is his only clue if someone tries to fool or trick him.

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#08 - Drummer Stereotype
In the musical circle, the drummer is seen in pretty much the same light we in D&D see the Half-Orc: a brute, rather stupid (or very stupid, depends if you like Half-Orcs or not) and not so much a musical professional as someone who can bang the pots and pans. It's a stereotype that can be explored easily in D&D, seeing as we do have Half-Orcs and we do have bards. And especially since the drums are closely associated with savage tribes (barbarians, for instance), we may have a multiclass in hands right here. Keep in mind, though, while I'm using the Half-Orc as an example, you don't need to make the Drummer into one. A regular Human barbarian works just as well.

The Story: He was a mediocre warrior in his tribe. He wasn't as good physically as most of the other tribe members. In battle, they started putting him in the back, banging a drum to raise the morale, instead of charging along with the others and not only getting very hurt, but also embarrassing himself and his tribe's good name. Once he had the drums, though, he was a prodigy in keeping his people going for as long as needed. And if an enemy happened to cross the attack line, he could always attack as easily as any other.

The Quest: Well, if he is so good in his tribe, why the Hell would he want to leave? Same reason as any drummer: he wants recognition for his musical talent. When you realize you suck at something most of your peers can do, yet exceed expectations in something they cannot, you want to be recognized. Not only by said peers, but by everyone. If his tribe already recognizes him, is time for the world to. He's going to go out there and reach for fame as a barbarian and as a bard.

Favored Instrument: The drums, obviously.

Music Type: You have two choices here. I like both, one more than the other. You can either go to YouTube and check Yoshiki's drum solos... or you can listen to some traditional African war drums or taiko drums. Given the fact this guy is a barbarian as first class, my preference should be clear.

Roleplay Tips: Bard or no bard, he started off as a barbarian and should be roleplayed as such. With the difference this is a barbarian who's holding drumsticks instead of the usual club. Forget everything you remember ever associating with bards: he's not delicate, he's not polite, he's not patient or overly effective with words. He is no diplomat. He likes his food hot and plenty, his beer mug full, fast and loud music, and will punch in the face anyone who ever thinks he is dumb. He thinks himself to be very good (and is, in fact) and will show it in every available occasion, becoming a little peeved if you disagree. He is quick to anger and prone to violence.

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#07 - Desperado
In the movie Desperado (1995), Antonio Banderas (brrr) plays a mariachi - a street music performer in Mexico - out to kill the son of a bitch who murdered his wife and shot him in the hand, impairing his ability to play the guitar. I think we had enough impairments with #10 and #9, this guy is all about his story, quest and attitude. No huge adaptations, no great modifications, just build a bard and crank some personality in until it's coming out his ears!

The Story: His life was once good. He was a successful bard, maybe running his own show house, or working at his favorite inn. Maybe he had a wife and kids. Maybe he had siblings and parents. Maybe he had a dog named Biscuit. However you want to do it, this guy was once the happiest man alive. Until this one son of a bitch arrived, set fire to the show house / inn, raped and murdered his wife, tortured his kids to death, drowned his siblings, hung his parents, and kicked Biscuit. And then, like most bad guys do, beat a very brave retreat. Maybe it was done out of spite, maybe it was a spur of the moment thing. It doesn't matter. What matters is, this bard's life was once perfect, now it's a world of shit, and someone has to pay for it. If you want to run a bit away from the whole "wife and kids died" thing, you can. Make it personal: the one son of a bitch made the bard's life into living Hell, that's where you want to get. How you get there is just gravy.

The Quest: The one son of a bitch, or group of sons of bitches, however you wish to put it. This bard was down in the dumps after all that shit happened, but he is all better now. And he is set on getting revenge for what was done to his life in the worst possible way. This guy is a little crazy. He will go to every length, cross every taboo and slay away anyone he must to get to the one son of a bitch.

Favored Instrument: Once again, we're tempted by the string instruments, which allow for the type of music most closely associated with this bard.

Music Type: Angry music, fast music. This is a guy who once sang his woes, how his life was good and now it's not. That's over though: now, he only sings about revenge, death, destruction and anger. Very appellative to the teenage and revolted (two words which should be synonyms by the way).

Roleplay Tips: He is completely obsessed. For a long time in the campaign, or even the whole duration of the campaign, he thinks of nothing else than the one son of a bitch. He will not take sidequests unless it may lead him to his enemy. He will refuse the whole main quest, unless it provides clues to the whereabouts of the one son of a bitch. He talks of nothing else, goes to bed set on doing the son of a bitch harm, and awakens with the same idea. With the continuity of the campaign, he may get new interests: he makes friends with the rest of the party, perhaps, gets a love interest maybe, thinks of rebuilding his life. This is still all wishful thinking and secondary, though. In his mind, he can only go on as he was, once the one son of a bitch is gone, and by his hand. Eventually it becomes not only a question of revenge, but a whole obstacle he must cross if he is to go on with his normal life.

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#06 - The Gipsy
What I like about the Gipsy is the possibility to, once again, join two classes. You have a guy who starts off as a bard and takes up rogue levels in the future. His prime occupation is as a street performer and a bard, but if the business if faltering, he may also choose to relieve some patrons of the tips in their pockets. Bard and rogue are two classes understood as very closely related (they were even approached in the same book: Song and Silence), and it's about time we make the best of the rogue's skills and the bard's casting.

The Story: A run-of-the-mill story. This guy may come from a long line of street performers, and his whole life he has earned a living by his talent. Of course, talent alone won't get you food, lodgings and some luxuries unless you're pretty damn good, and in some places street performers are arrested... so you have to turn to something else. For him, it was normal: his whole family and peers did it. He sought a solo career when his group disbanded, or he can be the last of his kin. It's a very simple bio which frees your character into a very broad quest possibility.

The Quest: Anything goes here. Maybe he picked the wrong pocket. Maybe someone liked to hear him and has a task for him to accomplish. Maybe he took an interest in this or that person or affair. Maybe he wants to know if someone from his group or family is still alive somewhere, and seeks distant relatives whenever he can.

Favored Instrument: Strings again, especially if by the denomination Gipsy you remembered La Bamba.

Music Type: Cheerful, carefree music. Something that anyone would enjoy hearing. Again, La Bamba comes to mind. Since he is a street performer, he plays music that anyone could enjoy, and anything that would make people feel a little happier, thus a little more inclined to part with their money. Tunes people can dance to are also good picks. Or, maybe he is the sort of person who does risqué stuff people actually have fun listening to...

Roleplay Tips: Let's get one thing straight here: this is a street performer by career. Money is very important to him. No matter how much he has, he wouldn't mind having a little more, the easier the better. He doesn't need to actively pick pockets, but if it means tomorrow's meal is guaranteed, well, let's do it. Still, he is an artist at heart, and may choose to try to earn tips before resorting to thievery. He is easygoing and enjoys laughter, this being what he hopes people will feel as well when he plays. Since he performs on the street, he may be a multitasking entertainer: he plays an instrument, sings, tells jokes, he is probably able of some acrobatic feats, and he is a very sly and cunning speaker. The sort that could sell ice to penguins if needed. In daily life as in battle, these are all skills he uses often and well.

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#05 - Elvis
One of the cool things about D&D is how easily you can change a core setting to suit your needs. We always assume D&D is set in a more or less medieval world, but if you change a couple of things and read the right books, you can make your setting go fast-forward into the Renaissance, for instance. It is based on this premise that Elvis shows up.

The Story: He was taught by someone very traditional as music goes, but as he grew up, he started trailing away from tradition and into new and uncharted territory of music. When he was old enough and knowledgeable enough to start composing, he found a completely new style, something nobody else had heard before. He met difficulties with his master, but the ones who heard him seemed to love the way he played. He eventually kicked the old method in the rear and set off to do his own thing, and bring this new musical style to people.

The Quest: Fame, recognition and fortune are his main goals. This guy invented something good and he wants to share it with everyone. He wants people to hear it, and others to play similarly. His greatest enemy is tradition here - in music, in thought, in everything. This is a revolutionary person with revolutionary ideas.

Favored Instrument: Strings, string, strings! ...actually, depending on what "new and exciting" musical style you want to give him, so will the instrument change. Strings still wins, since it's versatile. If you could pull a piano, it would also work... but we all know a bard with a piano is one of those very difficult and very troublesome things that DMs and players alike don't want to touch with a ten foot pole.

Music Type: It depends on your setting. If it's medieval and everyone is listening to traditional Celtic music, introduce something that is close but forward in time, like folk or new age music. Or you could just tell that to fuck itself and get a song style nobody would ever think of at the era the setting is happening on.

Roleplay Tips: He is very ahead of his time in thought, so he's very liberal. It is hard to find something he still considers taboo. He has a clear idea, in music as in society, of how things should be. And a very clear conscience that they're not like that. This doesn't necessarily mean he is a revolted person, but that he is trying to change the world in some way. In a setting where things like divorce are considered forbidden and unthinkable, he thinks if two people don't love each other, they shouldn't have to put up with each other "until Death do us part", for instance. This will bring him many enemies, especially in the Lawful alignment. His roleplay situations arise mainly from the clash between his way of thought and everyone else's.

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#04 - Portuguese Fado Singer
Fado is pretty much the Portuguese blues. And I'm well aware I have just ignored a series of fado styles which have nothing to do with being depressed and blue over the things you must do or go through because of destiny. Still, the most famous fado is the one that goes on about woes and sadness. It has a very particular style, and it is widely accepted that most people who sing or play it have some woes of their own, from where they derive the inspiration and the soul. If you want to play an angst-y character and, like me, you dislike emos, you've just found your guy.

The Story: He has one of the saddest stories in the book, and sings it whenever possible. From day one, his life was shit: he is the youngest of several siblings in a poor family, his father died at sea, no matter how much he struggled he was never really able to make it. Lost loves, a life of trials and tribulations, general bad luck. He became a wanderer in a desperate attempt to flee death, poverty and a feeling of longing, which seem to follow him everywhere still. He started singing and playing to relieve his heart and soul, and eventually discovered it was actually a way to turn a GP or two.

The Quest: Whatever it is, it is something he did not bring upon himself. Something that came about due to the circumstances - destiny is ever present in this guy's life, and his quest must also be closely related to destiny. After all, not every single Chosen One out there has to be epic, heroic, brave and strong. Some of them can just mope their way through the quest, dooming the day they ever entered it and getting frustrated over the fact things didn't go as planned.

Favored Instrument: There is only one instrument that goes with fado, and that's the Portuguese guitar.

Music Type: If you don't know at this point, we have a problem. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Roleplay Tips: This guy can be roleplayed in a variety of ways, depending on how annoying to all other party members you want him to be. After all, if this guy is mostly a depressed and sad person, he is bound to irritate the shit out of those which are not. A backup story not even the most joyful of gnomes could find something funny about is a good base. You don't need to make him into an emo: he doesn't need to wear black eyeliner, have suicidal tendencies and cry a lot. That's not what fado is. He is sad, sure, but he goes on, ever hopeful for the day when things will take a turn for the best. He doesn't need to constantly complain and brood, but he has an overall negative view on life. There is probably something for which he yearns, or someone - that is the essence of fado. He may have had it and miss it, or he may never have had it and want it badly, yet knowing it is most likely out of his reach since destiny wants him to take another road. He is not frustrated, he simply feels something is amiss in his life.

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#03 - He Shall Sing on Your Grave
Another class fusion, this time we're going to pick one of my favorite prestige classes out there: the assassin. Maybe the idea of someone who kills stealthily and someone who plays an instrument and sings don't go well together in your head. Yet keep in mind that music is mainly a way of expressing yourself. So is carving your initials on someone's face. In a way, it's just creative outlet, and may work out if you do it right. Most people get to the assassin class by means of the rogue, and I'm here to present an alternative.

The Story: He always liked song, particularly unlikely songs about gruesome things, on the same line of work as he is. A good way to pull this is having him start as a bard, which would be his prime occupation. Maybe he was forced to learn an instrument due to parental or community pressure. Maybe he taught himself how to do it at an age when he still wasn't murdering people. The interesting part of his tale begins once he actually becomes an assassin, and starts expressing what he knows, sees and does through music. The occupation bard is his cover-up so that socially, he is not condemned or discovered. Sure, he sings about gruesome things, but it's all cool. Everyone's got their thing, right? Some may assume he is actually a genius for the way he describes things he (supposedly) never lived through. Plus, few things are probably as satisfying as writing a song about how someone lost their life to an assassin's hands... your own.

The Quest: Feel free to assign to him any quest, or none at all. He's a bard by day and an assassin by night, one covers for the other, none the wiser. Maybe he is on the brink of being found out, maybe he was hired for a gig on either of his jobs, maybe he just happened to be playing at the inn where the party was staying and they found his song about blood and guts too realistic to be the product of just some demented head.

Favored Instrument: Since he is only a bard part-time, he can play something bards generally don't, like the aforementioned piano. For combat purposes, he is still an assassin and can effectively cast assassin spells. It is unlikely he would need the bard spells, but if he should, he also has means to take confrontations to a place where, he knows, the instrument of his preference exists. If you think it's complicated, fit him with a classical instrument: cello, for instance, or violin.

Music Type: His music lives through the lyrics. I would advise something on this line of work, whatever the musical style is. Some of you are going to immediately associate heavy metal with this bard, but I'd advise you to check some spoken word or the really alternative stuff (like the one above). It can get way creepier.

Roleplay Tips: This guy is obviously proud and intelligent, and it tickles him that he can freely talk about what he does in his other job without anyone asking questions. He is, after all, boasting and getting paid for it. Still, openly admitting you are a murderer, even if masked into art, is a dangerous thing. This is an overly careful man with a gift to talk plenty yet say little. He's suspicious of everyone, and the more suspicious he gets, the more he wants to hand them clues about what he does. It's something that thrills him and the reason why he keeps at it. Maybe he is a real wacko and wants to be caught, and maybe he thinks he can outsmart guards, adventurers and anyone else who wants to follow the leads he leaves behind. Remember, this is happening at an age when if you don't find the bard and have him sing, you only get hearsay about his work.

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#02 - Don Juan de Marco
When you think of the bard, you think of him being more or less the way music artists are. And this include the fans. And what would any of us do with a faithful legion of fans of the opposite sex? ... What wouldn't we do... ?

The Story: He entered the musical business perhaps out of vocation, or perhaps because he noticed it was a good way to pick up girls. He has real talent, and maybe studied under some of the best, but he has no elevated yearnings for artistic outlet or fame and fortune in mind. He only thinks about one thing, and that's tail. Probably this would also be the reason why he started adventuring: husbands get jealous, patrons on a village tire of their women all paying attention to the same guy, maybe he did something he shouldn't and it was time to split. Plus, how is he supposed to meet more women if he doesn't move around from time to time?

The Quest: Women. He is good at wooing them and enjoys doing it. It doesn't matter who it is, or if he really has romantic or sexual intents, he enjoys the power his music has over them, and will woo them even if he has no romantic or sexual intent, just for kicks. The more he can entice the better, and if a particularly stubborn one shows up, he just found himself something to work on, a goal to reach. Like most people of this sort, however, he tires easily. As soon as one is conquered, he already has his eye on the next one.

Favored Instrument: Anything goes here, so as long as you can play some romantic tunes on it.

Music Type: There are several types of romantic or sexually themed bard. He can be romantic, he can be extremely direct (speaking of which, pardon the douchebag that shows up on that last vid). Or he can suit his music to specific targets: figure out what each lady likes, and deliver it.

Roleplay Tips: Rogue wiles are one of his tools, only he steals hearts and affections instead of coins and goods. This is not a guy who actively wants to break hearts, he just likes to flirt, and uses whatever tools he has at his disposition. It is possible most of his amorous interests are strongly, yet shortly, lived. He loves each and every woman he meets unconditionally and forever, until the next one comes along that is. In fact, he probably never thought his actions can have devastating effects in other people's lives. Even when someone points it out, he doesn't find it so serious: it's all good fun, after all.

***

#01 - Brother Cletus
Brother Cletus is my favorite bard project, and one I actively want to make happen. It is simple, obvious and funny. I first got the idea from listening to this song, of course. Yet another try at multiclass, we're talking about someone who starts off as a cleric and later takes levels as a bard.

The Story: He was originally a cleric who got transferred from a small village (where people worshipped at the temple regularly) to a huge city (where people find religion a little boring). In trying to bring religion to the people in a less tedious way, because he truly has a vocation as a cleric and is quite devoted, he started to notice people likes music, especially high-paced music. He began adapting song into the worship method, and effectively brought some more people back to the temple of his faith. Once the practice was set in one temple, he moved on to others of the same area, and in time he had room to dedicate to something in a larger scale: travelling about teaching his deity isn't a bore, not as stuck up as people take it and converting the unbelievers.

The Quest: Converting and demistiftyng the image of his deity is his main quest. Even with a chaotic-aligned deity, people usually see the gods as someone who is too far from them to care, or for them to care. They fear the gods, and want to keep a distance from them so as not to be intimidated. The rituals, in fact, are intimidating: methodology, strict rules, formal clothing. Brother Cletus here sees his religion in a different way: it is for people, it doesn't need to be overly formal, it can be enjoyable and you don't need to fear it. This is the image of his deity he wants to pass on, and he does it through song. And since he is a cleric, he yearns to aid as many people as possible (if good-aligned), keep harmony (neutral-aligned) or "sell" the deity's favors (evil-aligned).

Favored Instrument: You want him to have something he can easily sing with wherever he goes. We're gonna stumble on the guitar again, of course, but it can be anything where you can play a catchy tune.

Music Type: Gospel music. Any song and lyric can be adapted into the same beat, so you can as easily have him sing about doing good for your neighbor or that the gods will grant you priviledge for smithing him.

Roleplay Tips: First and foremost, he is a devoted cleric with modern views on his deity. His faith cannot be shattered, he is absolutely sure of what he's doing and he treats the deity as his best buddy. Then he loves music, of course, and uses it as means of worship. In battle, different songs can be adapted to different bardic music traits: just lurk a bit around YouTube and you'll find gospel songs for every occasion. Plus, if you've seen enough videos concerning gospel and its singers, you already pretty much know how to roleplay him. Oh, glory!

Ten Shitty Songs (That Are Always on the Radio)

Down where I work, we have a radio on almost the whole day. You know - music is supposed to relax customers so they'll feel good and spend more money on whatever it is we have on sale. From time to time, however, the DJ says "The soundtrack of your life plays here". And after hearing these atrocities play, I slowly start to wonder how much of a crap my life is, that these songs must be in its soundtrack.

They play everywhere. On every, or almost every radio station. You hear them on teenagers' cell phones. But what's the appeal of these songs? Just take a look... and I realize this is a matter of musical opinion and I'm by no means a musical expert, but try to see my side of the story here.

#10 - Almost everything by Christina Aguilera
Personally, I have nothing against Christina Aguilera. The fact she started her career in 1999 and from then on has made more and more effort towards looking like a Barbie doll from the 50's (both body and face) doesn't bother me, and frankly, I don't know enough about her or her life and career (or even her music!) to make criticism. I do have a complaint, and I picked her to do it because whenever I think of this musical bullshit, her name pops right into my head as one of the artists who helped make it popular. I'm talking about the whining.

I don't know what the musical term for it is, but it irritates the shit out of me. Take a "yeah", "hey" or "whoa" and drag them for some minute and a half, sometimes switching between them so it won't become as inaudible as an interrupted transmission beep. On her early career, la Aguilera showed a tendency to do it as is (check this out around 2.06, she's even trying to get a grip on it with her hand for crow's sake!) and as we reach 2007, she's doing it like it's diarrhea. What's with that? It irritates the SHIT out of me! I'd like to say Aguilera is also responsible for setting a minimum costume number per videoclip at five... but she wasn't the one who actually started it, she just made it a standard in any pop music video in which a girl sings.

But back to the whimpering... or moaning, or whatever you want to call it. Aguilera is just one of the artists who resort to this bullshit to demonstrate they have a voice. She's the one I always recall because... well. Her voice is particularly annoying when she's doing it, and she's doing it several times per song. I was never one to follow American Idol but I know for a fact nearly every female artist who reached finals sang like this. It's like she is so desperate to show us her voice is flippin' sweet she does little interludes in between lyrics to have us take a good listen. It's a cheap trick, especially when you listen to the really awesome voices of old doing so much better with notes. Why must every modern female artist sing like Aguilera? Who the Hell wants to be Aguilera anyway?! She's irritating!

#09 - (You Want to) Make a Memory by Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi, come on... what the Hell happened to you in your adult years? Are you the same bloke who sang Runaway and Blaze of Glory? The guy who sang about being "wanted dead or alive" is whining about "sippin' wine, killin' time"? The crazy kid who used to ramble on about being "a fighter, but without you I give up" is telling me shit about "if you go now, I'll understand"? The guy who did Livin' on a Prayer, arguably one of the top ten favorite tunes people like to butcher on karaoke, is sheepishly asking me if I want to Make a Memory like he's asking for a mercy fuck? Get outta here!

See, this is the problem with artists getting old: sometimes, they also mellow. And when the rock idol of your teenage years turns into something your Mum sings along to in the car, something's very wrong. The whole song sounds like he's apologizing us for singing it. Maybe I'm too jaded already, but throughout the whole thing the only expression that pops into my mind is 'mercy fuck'. Take a look at the lyrics: there he is, sitting with possibly an old flame, asking her if she wants to write a song along with him, so they both can have a moment together they'll treasure. I'm still hearing 'mercy fuck'. Bon Jovi half whispers it and half sings it, venturing a little into his old high pitches as the song comes to an end. 'Mercy fuck' still comes to mind. "God it's good to see you smile"? "It's bittersweet to hear you laugh"? 'Mercy fuck' still here.

There's nothing else to say, really. For me, he's clearly apologizing for this bull. Or asking for a musical mercy fuck, whatever fancies you. It reminds me of the unplugged version of It's My Life. On the original version you had something that sorta sounded like what you'd expect from an aged Bon Jovi. Then they pulled the plug on the guitars and bam - it makes me sleep. Come on, Bon Jovi! You've done much better slows in your day! Go listen to your own albums, man! You're Bon-fuckin'-Jovi, you don't need a mercy fuck!

#08 - Viva la Vida by Coldplay
'You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay'. Man, pop music has been disappointing for a while now, but Coldplay is probably one of the epitomes of suck. Non-threatening music based on a four or five key melody with lyrics hiding behind philosophical bullshit to mask the fact they mean jack squat. This, for me, is Coldplay. I've tried liking some of it in the past, since so many of my college friends were into the band when they started getting big in 2002. I've tried to look at Yellow and seeing some more sense to it than some British twat saying everything's... yellow. Isn't it perfect that a sissy band wrote a song called Yellow? I tried, and by the time I came to The Hardest Part in 2005... I quit. I definitely hate their style. And songs. And Viva la Vida didn't come to improve the impression they had already made on me.

Coldplay is possibly the only band able to write a song about a revolution, or someone who lost everything, and make it sound like the commercial tune to a new type of chewing gum. I mean... I complain often about U2, and even It's a Beautiful Day held a little more power than this, within similar themes. By the third minute of the song, Chris Martin simply gives up, realizing he has written lyrics which can be interpreted in a variety of ways but most likely mean nothing concrete whatsoever, and that he's been singing it with less emotion than a little kid going through Silent Night for his aunts for the fortieth time this Christmas. He simply moans at us for a while, gives us a last chorus and calls it a day. Still non-threatening, suburban British music. It stinks.

#07 - Unfaithful by Rihanna
Again, I can't see the appeal behind Rihanna. I first heard her when everybody did: when she started singing Umbrella. After it came to me on the radio the third time, I reached the conclusion it was actually amazing, the way she could sing the chorus through her nose AND deliver the weather forecast at the same time. (yeah, I know the umbrella is symbolic. What's the ella-ella-eh-eh-eh a symbol of? That's the part in the song that got her into the top ten chart in 2007, you know? Like Lou Reed's doo-do-doo). Before that, however, she had been singing Unfaithful for a year. Only nobody had noticed. The ella-ella-eh-eh-eh in Umbrella actually got radio DJs to dig underneath the mess of junk food and the latest sponsor soda bottles to find her previous album and actually play the song on the radio.

So... Unfaithful. This woman who loves this guy, yet she's being unfaithful and it's killing him, so she's deciding to leave him once and for all because she "don't wanna be a murderer". I think the best part of us has a few names for her, other than 'murderer'. I've heard plenty of names for people like that from friends who have been in the shoes of said guy. Really, what's so great about this shit? What kind of message does this convey? "I don't wanna do this anymore", how about the times you already did? "I don't wanna hurt him anymore", so you did before? The message you get from all this is basically that it's okay to cheat if it's not weighting on your conscience! Bullshit it is! You should jump over to a 50 Cent song to see what he'd do to you if you kept that on, bitch! Damn, jump right into Aina to see what they do to you there: pop music may be tolerant of cheating, wait to see what heavy metal's gonna do to your ass!

It's funny right after this she came along with Umbrella, where "told you I'd be here forever" is a main chorus line (other than, of course, ella-ella-eh-eh-eh, because you know... that's the good stuff in the song!). Still, Unfaithful comes across as an a-okay to cheating so as long as you can sleep at night. And it's sang with the sort of depressive tune and anguished vocals you'd expect from the guy who's being cheated on. You gotta have some serious nerve, Rihanna - you sure you're sorry about this guy? Damn, I'd hate to see you when you're mad at him!

#06 - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.
I hate this song. I abhor this song. I've walked faster on the street not to hear it for long when it's coming from inside a coffee shop or clothes store. I can't change stations fast enough when it comes up on the radio. I once shook my Mum because she was singing it. I'm checking the lyrics now in order to tell you a bit more about it, and I'm cursing through my teeth.

And despite what you might say, it's not the lyrics. It's not the happy-happy-butterflies-and-sunshine mood the whole thing has that upsets me. It's not the good vibes you get from it, the whole life-is-short-and-we're-young, let's-love-ourselves-without-huge-complications, the whole hippie bit in it, really, that's not what upsets me. It's a song with a huge disposition as lyrics go! It's the sort of song that wakes up in the morning and has a smile on its way to work while everyone else is loathing the fact coffee was cold. It's not exactly my thing either, but it doesn't bother me. You wanna be happy while I'm sour, by crow and all things sacred, be happy! So why do I hate this shit?

It's the melody. And Jason Mraz's voice.

You hear this and you immediately know what it is... you'd expect to hear it from some guys panhandling at the subway station. You sort of feel you're somewhere tropical. I'm divided between Jamaica and Hawaii to describe it. I hate it. It's the same four or five notes over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over again. And as for his voice... I'm not sure what's worse. When he's singing, you get these moments when he goes into falsetto for some time (I like deep male voices, so you see, no appeal for me in Jason Mraz, plus he wears a hat shaped like a potty) crow only knows why... and when he stops singing, you still hear the bloody ukelele, or whatever the fuck it is he's playing! Sounds like some tune you'd use as background music for your bossanova medley. I've heard 8-bit melodies with more variation than this. Also, explain to me what the fuck he means when he goes "a-la peaceful melody". What, you needed a few more syllables for the rhyme to feel right? Go away...

So you see, I actually think I could enjoy the lyric on its own (provided I had my morning coffee of course, and I was in the best of my happy-happy moods, which isn't as often as you may think) but... not only Jason Mraz is singing it, he also called his cousin from the Maldivas to write the melody!!

#05 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script
This is actually a very scary song, only nobody noticed because it had an upbeat rhythm and several of the usual romantic elements that captivate teenage girls. I guess this is why it's so popular. Girls like the idea of a man who feels so miserable about having been ditched, he's willing to camp on the corner of a street waiting for them to come back. And, as you can probably see in the music video, he really can't be moved. Police doesn't even try to get his ass off the corner! Damn, if that was happening anywhere around my neighborhood, he'd be mugged three times before the police even arrived and then have the shit kicked out of him, so the girl he's waiting for could go bail him out of jail.

But he's not moving. He's not mooooooooving! (what's with the fuckin' falsettos men are doing in songs? I only know a handful of male singers who can do falsetto and get away with it, you're not them, grow balls!). Like I said, you get plenty of the elements in a love song most women like. You have your "corner where I first saw you", your "I'm a broken hearted man", your "how can I move on when I'm still in love with you", and that's just the first verses. But nobody notices how it gets creepy shortly after the first minute: he starts actually fantasizing that she's gonna wake up one day, and realize she misses him, so she'll come running back here to look for him, and maybe he'll get famous because he's not getting his ass off the corner, so maybe she'll come back like that too... people... it's a fuckin' stalker! I know why he's on the corner of the street, he has a court order to keep the Hell away from her doorstep. Get real, mac, if that's the place she met you at, she isn't going back there ever again.

I mean, the chorus is the same sentence four times: "I'm not moving". You know who repeats things like this? The crazies. Take a jog, print these lyrics and read them while panting, you'll see what I mean... if I knew there was a guy in a corner waiting for me to go back and doing this shit, I'd change towns. It's a spooky song, people, he's a fuckin' stalker!

#04 - Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne, teenage idol extraordinaire. Up until now, she and I have led our separate ways quietly: for me, she's a cheerleader who woke up one morning and decided she wanted to cash in on the whole pseudo-punk pseudo-emo style... Joan Jett is supposed to be one of her greatest influences, although I can't see it, other than for her cover of one of her songs. I should take the time to say, however, that Joan Jett is a queen and Avril Lavigne, although having made a tribute that turned out more or less decent, is not fit to pump gas into the Blackhearts van.

I hate Girlfriend because I hate the new generation of teenage girls. I hate the general way in which they carry. I hate teenagers who are revolted against... what? What are these stupid brats revolted against? The most of them live in big houses, their parents are mostly together and driving expensive cars, they have the latest cellphones and gadgets, they can even beat the shit out of teachers, and their greatest aspiration in life is to marry well and get pregnant now! Whatever problems do these stupid projects of people have? I know: they're bored! Girlfriend sings like an American cheer leading song, and the lyrics go like this: your girlfriend's stupid, ditch her, keep me, I'm sexier. Yeah, that's right. What did you think she meant during "don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright"? Sexual innuendo? Nah, not one bit!

Plus, Avril, you lost me at "she's like, so whatever". When I was a teenager we had coded language too, but you managed to actually put together two of the expressions I hate the most in the same sentence, and sing them with the tone I hate the most as well.

#03 - The Story by Brandi Carlile
Another one I learned to recognize by the first few seconds so I can change radio stations whenever it's on. For some reason I always picture this shit being sang by the pedophile old man in Family Guy - and it's not just because he once sang a song with more or less the same theme in the series. Her voice also reminds me of him. Especially when she goes into high pitch, then it's just like him. Brrr.

Now this has nothing to do with the song itself, but... who the fuck names his daughter "Brandi" and misspells it on purpose? Your credibility died there and then, Brandi. Even if I wanted to give you some, you decided to sing your debut song as if you were a cat getting skinned. I can see some country music influences there... although I don't know why so many country singers purposely do the pitch she also does with her voice. She has a pleasant voice, actually, a rough tone that reminds me of a much less smoky Bonnie Tyler... but then she goes into pitch, and the cat's getting skinned again! She alternates the audible parts with the pitch, so unless you know exactly when it's coming, you don't even have the time to cover your ears. The worse, for me, happens at 2.54: crow, someone put the poor woman out of her misery! If I heard that without the music, I'd assume someone was being tortured into singing! And that's not heartfelt, it's plain ear-splitting.

I'm not even gonna complain about the lyrics... because, how could I? The cat starts getting skinned shortly into the song's first minute and my brain shut off the remainder of the words! And then, after much skinning, we drive into 3.33, when she becomes the pedophile in Family Guy again. Seriously, I don't even wanna go further into The Story, every time I remember that high pitch I get urges to break out the baseball bat and beat the shit out of whoever's killing a cat!

#02 - Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
Oh brother... Katy Perry showed up a little while ago and rose so fast in the European Top 20 we were waiting to see her burst out through the ceiling and fly her way to fuckin' crow, taking her song along with her. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, so every other day I have to listen to it during my train ride back home. Which is precisely when I cannot escape. I need an MP3 player urgently.

The lyrics are nothing special: boy can't take a position to save his life and she's pissed about it. In a very cheery way, but she's pissed about it. She starts singing as if someone just punched her in the chest and she's gasping for air. Then the whole things becomes a cartoon theme song. I'm serious, this is one of those songs you hear being played at the beginning of a cartoon. Then she lost her breath again! The whole electronic, synthesizer bit is a common tool of those who cannot sing. I never heard Katy Perry live, but I'm almost positive it must be a massacre of decibels. Everyone can sing on a synthesizer. I can sing on a synthesizer.

What bothers me about it, other than the stupid duality between "I'm suffocating" and "morning cartoons opening" is that anyone with the slightest knowledge of computer programs could whip up something like this. But wait, maybe I'm being too rough on Katy Perry and her Hot N Cold (c'mon Katy, you're not cool just because you decided to misspell "and"). After all, she reminds me of another artist, and her whole style can perhaps be explained by her predecessor... let's see, girl singing? Check. Synthesizer use? Check. Pseudo-techno tunes? Check. Stupid lyrics? Check. Stupid music video? Hmmm... could it be she looks a little bit like... oh, of course! I see my mistake, I'm taking her seriously! Well, if her predecessor taught us something, Katy Perry and her song will be taking the walk in less than a year. I'm sorry Katy, do carry on!

#01 - The Boy Does Nothing by Alesha Dixon
Another song that reminds me of cartoons. Actually, she could probably be considered the black Katy Perry: she's also complaining about her man, who is clumsy and untidy. Then she eventually sees another guy, but he ends up not washing up, cleaning up or brushing up either. Apparently, Alesha Dixon is trying to get a date at the gorilla cage in the zoo. You know what this reminds me of? This. No shit. I'm sure someone could put the clip and the song together and it'd fit - with the exception Lum was funny and Alesha Dixon is not. The first time I heard her song, I wanted to jump out of the train. And it has been so for every other time I've heard it.

What bothers me in Alesha's song... the chorus. I could pick up the repetitive beat in the back, but I won't: she's doing a mambo here, I don't like mambo, so I have no say. That her lyrics sound both retarded, I can complain about. First, you get the chorus as if she's checking from a list: does he wash up? Never wash up, cross that. Does he clean up? Nope, not cleaning up, cross that as well. Does he brush up at least? Nah, doesn't brush up either - cross it. This guy is a fuckin' couch potato, he's coming into the club with his pajamas on! The last two verses are a very surprised "he does nothing, the boy does nothing!", and frankly I can understand him. If a woman was singing this at the club, I wouldn't know what to do either. Between making for the fire exits and swinging a chair at the stage.... decisions, decisions.

Also, you're way too fuckin' old to be calling your dancing partners "boy" unless you wanna be arrested. I guess these new songs aren't for me. I like the old time rock 'n roll.