Ten Shitty Songs (That Are Always on the Radio)

Down where I work, we have a radio on almost the whole day. You know - music is supposed to relax customers so they'll feel good and spend more money on whatever it is we have on sale. From time to time, however, the DJ says "The soundtrack of your life plays here". And after hearing these atrocities play, I slowly start to wonder how much of a crap my life is, that these songs must be in its soundtrack.

They play everywhere. On every, or almost every radio station. You hear them on teenagers' cell phones. But what's the appeal of these songs? Just take a look... and I realize this is a matter of musical opinion and I'm by no means a musical expert, but try to see my side of the story here.

#10 - Almost everything by Christina Aguilera
Personally, I have nothing against Christina Aguilera. The fact she started her career in 1999 and from then on has made more and more effort towards looking like a Barbie doll from the 50's (both body and face) doesn't bother me, and frankly, I don't know enough about her or her life and career (or even her music!) to make criticism. I do have a complaint, and I picked her to do it because whenever I think of this musical bullshit, her name pops right into my head as one of the artists who helped make it popular. I'm talking about the whining.

I don't know what the musical term for it is, but it irritates the shit out of me. Take a "yeah", "hey" or "whoa" and drag them for some minute and a half, sometimes switching between them so it won't become as inaudible as an interrupted transmission beep. On her early career, la Aguilera showed a tendency to do it as is (check this out around 2.06, she's even trying to get a grip on it with her hand for crow's sake!) and as we reach 2007, she's doing it like it's diarrhea. What's with that? It irritates the SHIT out of me! I'd like to say Aguilera is also responsible for setting a minimum costume number per videoclip at five... but she wasn't the one who actually started it, she just made it a standard in any pop music video in which a girl sings.

But back to the whimpering... or moaning, or whatever you want to call it. Aguilera is just one of the artists who resort to this bullshit to demonstrate they have a voice. She's the one I always recall because... well. Her voice is particularly annoying when she's doing it, and she's doing it several times per song. I was never one to follow American Idol but I know for a fact nearly every female artist who reached finals sang like this. It's like she is so desperate to show us her voice is flippin' sweet she does little interludes in between lyrics to have us take a good listen. It's a cheap trick, especially when you listen to the really awesome voices of old doing so much better with notes. Why must every modern female artist sing like Aguilera? Who the Hell wants to be Aguilera anyway?! She's irritating!

#09 - (You Want to) Make a Memory by Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi, come on... what the Hell happened to you in your adult years? Are you the same bloke who sang Runaway and Blaze of Glory? The guy who sang about being "wanted dead or alive" is whining about "sippin' wine, killin' time"? The crazy kid who used to ramble on about being "a fighter, but without you I give up" is telling me shit about "if you go now, I'll understand"? The guy who did Livin' on a Prayer, arguably one of the top ten favorite tunes people like to butcher on karaoke, is sheepishly asking me if I want to Make a Memory like he's asking for a mercy fuck? Get outta here!

See, this is the problem with artists getting old: sometimes, they also mellow. And when the rock idol of your teenage years turns into something your Mum sings along to in the car, something's very wrong. The whole song sounds like he's apologizing us for singing it. Maybe I'm too jaded already, but throughout the whole thing the only expression that pops into my mind is 'mercy fuck'. Take a look at the lyrics: there he is, sitting with possibly an old flame, asking her if she wants to write a song along with him, so they both can have a moment together they'll treasure. I'm still hearing 'mercy fuck'. Bon Jovi half whispers it and half sings it, venturing a little into his old high pitches as the song comes to an end. 'Mercy fuck' still comes to mind. "God it's good to see you smile"? "It's bittersweet to hear you laugh"? 'Mercy fuck' still here.

There's nothing else to say, really. For me, he's clearly apologizing for this bull. Or asking for a musical mercy fuck, whatever fancies you. It reminds me of the unplugged version of It's My Life. On the original version you had something that sorta sounded like what you'd expect from an aged Bon Jovi. Then they pulled the plug on the guitars and bam - it makes me sleep. Come on, Bon Jovi! You've done much better slows in your day! Go listen to your own albums, man! You're Bon-fuckin'-Jovi, you don't need a mercy fuck!

#08 - Viva la Vida by Coldplay
'You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay'. Man, pop music has been disappointing for a while now, but Coldplay is probably one of the epitomes of suck. Non-threatening music based on a four or five key melody with lyrics hiding behind philosophical bullshit to mask the fact they mean jack squat. This, for me, is Coldplay. I've tried liking some of it in the past, since so many of my college friends were into the band when they started getting big in 2002. I've tried to look at Yellow and seeing some more sense to it than some British twat saying everything's... yellow. Isn't it perfect that a sissy band wrote a song called Yellow? I tried, and by the time I came to The Hardest Part in 2005... I quit. I definitely hate their style. And songs. And Viva la Vida didn't come to improve the impression they had already made on me.

Coldplay is possibly the only band able to write a song about a revolution, or someone who lost everything, and make it sound like the commercial tune to a new type of chewing gum. I mean... I complain often about U2, and even It's a Beautiful Day held a little more power than this, within similar themes. By the third minute of the song, Chris Martin simply gives up, realizing he has written lyrics which can be interpreted in a variety of ways but most likely mean nothing concrete whatsoever, and that he's been singing it with less emotion than a little kid going through Silent Night for his aunts for the fortieth time this Christmas. He simply moans at us for a while, gives us a last chorus and calls it a day. Still non-threatening, suburban British music. It stinks.

#07 - Unfaithful by Rihanna
Again, I can't see the appeal behind Rihanna. I first heard her when everybody did: when she started singing Umbrella. After it came to me on the radio the third time, I reached the conclusion it was actually amazing, the way she could sing the chorus through her nose AND deliver the weather forecast at the same time. (yeah, I know the umbrella is symbolic. What's the ella-ella-eh-eh-eh a symbol of? That's the part in the song that got her into the top ten chart in 2007, you know? Like Lou Reed's doo-do-doo). Before that, however, she had been singing Unfaithful for a year. Only nobody had noticed. The ella-ella-eh-eh-eh in Umbrella actually got radio DJs to dig underneath the mess of junk food and the latest sponsor soda bottles to find her previous album and actually play the song on the radio.

So... Unfaithful. This woman who loves this guy, yet she's being unfaithful and it's killing him, so she's deciding to leave him once and for all because she "don't wanna be a murderer". I think the best part of us has a few names for her, other than 'murderer'. I've heard plenty of names for people like that from friends who have been in the shoes of said guy. Really, what's so great about this shit? What kind of message does this convey? "I don't wanna do this anymore", how about the times you already did? "I don't wanna hurt him anymore", so you did before? The message you get from all this is basically that it's okay to cheat if it's not weighting on your conscience! Bullshit it is! You should jump over to a 50 Cent song to see what he'd do to you if you kept that on, bitch! Damn, jump right into Aina to see what they do to you there: pop music may be tolerant of cheating, wait to see what heavy metal's gonna do to your ass!

It's funny right after this she came along with Umbrella, where "told you I'd be here forever" is a main chorus line (other than, of course, ella-ella-eh-eh-eh, because you know... that's the good stuff in the song!). Still, Unfaithful comes across as an a-okay to cheating so as long as you can sleep at night. And it's sang with the sort of depressive tune and anguished vocals you'd expect from the guy who's being cheated on. You gotta have some serious nerve, Rihanna - you sure you're sorry about this guy? Damn, I'd hate to see you when you're mad at him!

#06 - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.
I hate this song. I abhor this song. I've walked faster on the street not to hear it for long when it's coming from inside a coffee shop or clothes store. I can't change stations fast enough when it comes up on the radio. I once shook my Mum because she was singing it. I'm checking the lyrics now in order to tell you a bit more about it, and I'm cursing through my teeth.

And despite what you might say, it's not the lyrics. It's not the happy-happy-butterflies-and-sunshine mood the whole thing has that upsets me. It's not the good vibes you get from it, the whole life-is-short-and-we're-young, let's-love-ourselves-without-huge-complications, the whole hippie bit in it, really, that's not what upsets me. It's a song with a huge disposition as lyrics go! It's the sort of song that wakes up in the morning and has a smile on its way to work while everyone else is loathing the fact coffee was cold. It's not exactly my thing either, but it doesn't bother me. You wanna be happy while I'm sour, by crow and all things sacred, be happy! So why do I hate this shit?

It's the melody. And Jason Mraz's voice.

You hear this and you immediately know what it is... you'd expect to hear it from some guys panhandling at the subway station. You sort of feel you're somewhere tropical. I'm divided between Jamaica and Hawaii to describe it. I hate it. It's the same four or five notes over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over again. And as for his voice... I'm not sure what's worse. When he's singing, you get these moments when he goes into falsetto for some time (I like deep male voices, so you see, no appeal for me in Jason Mraz, plus he wears a hat shaped like a potty) crow only knows why... and when he stops singing, you still hear the bloody ukelele, or whatever the fuck it is he's playing! Sounds like some tune you'd use as background music for your bossanova medley. I've heard 8-bit melodies with more variation than this. Also, explain to me what the fuck he means when he goes "a-la peaceful melody". What, you needed a few more syllables for the rhyme to feel right? Go away...

So you see, I actually think I could enjoy the lyric on its own (provided I had my morning coffee of course, and I was in the best of my happy-happy moods, which isn't as often as you may think) but... not only Jason Mraz is singing it, he also called his cousin from the Maldivas to write the melody!!

#05 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script
This is actually a very scary song, only nobody noticed because it had an upbeat rhythm and several of the usual romantic elements that captivate teenage girls. I guess this is why it's so popular. Girls like the idea of a man who feels so miserable about having been ditched, he's willing to camp on the corner of a street waiting for them to come back. And, as you can probably see in the music video, he really can't be moved. Police doesn't even try to get his ass off the corner! Damn, if that was happening anywhere around my neighborhood, he'd be mugged three times before the police even arrived and then have the shit kicked out of him, so the girl he's waiting for could go bail him out of jail.

But he's not moving. He's not mooooooooving! (what's with the fuckin' falsettos men are doing in songs? I only know a handful of male singers who can do falsetto and get away with it, you're not them, grow balls!). Like I said, you get plenty of the elements in a love song most women like. You have your "corner where I first saw you", your "I'm a broken hearted man", your "how can I move on when I'm still in love with you", and that's just the first verses. But nobody notices how it gets creepy shortly after the first minute: he starts actually fantasizing that she's gonna wake up one day, and realize she misses him, so she'll come running back here to look for him, and maybe he'll get famous because he's not getting his ass off the corner, so maybe she'll come back like that too... people... it's a fuckin' stalker! I know why he's on the corner of the street, he has a court order to keep the Hell away from her doorstep. Get real, mac, if that's the place she met you at, she isn't going back there ever again.

I mean, the chorus is the same sentence four times: "I'm not moving". You know who repeats things like this? The crazies. Take a jog, print these lyrics and read them while panting, you'll see what I mean... if I knew there was a guy in a corner waiting for me to go back and doing this shit, I'd change towns. It's a spooky song, people, he's a fuckin' stalker!

#04 - Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne, teenage idol extraordinaire. Up until now, she and I have led our separate ways quietly: for me, she's a cheerleader who woke up one morning and decided she wanted to cash in on the whole pseudo-punk pseudo-emo style... Joan Jett is supposed to be one of her greatest influences, although I can't see it, other than for her cover of one of her songs. I should take the time to say, however, that Joan Jett is a queen and Avril Lavigne, although having made a tribute that turned out more or less decent, is not fit to pump gas into the Blackhearts van.

I hate Girlfriend because I hate the new generation of teenage girls. I hate the general way in which they carry. I hate teenagers who are revolted against... what? What are these stupid brats revolted against? The most of them live in big houses, their parents are mostly together and driving expensive cars, they have the latest cellphones and gadgets, they can even beat the shit out of teachers, and their greatest aspiration in life is to marry well and get pregnant now! Whatever problems do these stupid projects of people have? I know: they're bored! Girlfriend sings like an American cheer leading song, and the lyrics go like this: your girlfriend's stupid, ditch her, keep me, I'm sexier. Yeah, that's right. What did you think she meant during "don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright"? Sexual innuendo? Nah, not one bit!

Plus, Avril, you lost me at "she's like, so whatever". When I was a teenager we had coded language too, but you managed to actually put together two of the expressions I hate the most in the same sentence, and sing them with the tone I hate the most as well.

#03 - The Story by Brandi Carlile
Another one I learned to recognize by the first few seconds so I can change radio stations whenever it's on. For some reason I always picture this shit being sang by the pedophile old man in Family Guy - and it's not just because he once sang a song with more or less the same theme in the series. Her voice also reminds me of him. Especially when she goes into high pitch, then it's just like him. Brrr.

Now this has nothing to do with the song itself, but... who the fuck names his daughter "Brandi" and misspells it on purpose? Your credibility died there and then, Brandi. Even if I wanted to give you some, you decided to sing your debut song as if you were a cat getting skinned. I can see some country music influences there... although I don't know why so many country singers purposely do the pitch she also does with her voice. She has a pleasant voice, actually, a rough tone that reminds me of a much less smoky Bonnie Tyler... but then she goes into pitch, and the cat's getting skinned again! She alternates the audible parts with the pitch, so unless you know exactly when it's coming, you don't even have the time to cover your ears. The worse, for me, happens at 2.54: crow, someone put the poor woman out of her misery! If I heard that without the music, I'd assume someone was being tortured into singing! And that's not heartfelt, it's plain ear-splitting.

I'm not even gonna complain about the lyrics... because, how could I? The cat starts getting skinned shortly into the song's first minute and my brain shut off the remainder of the words! And then, after much skinning, we drive into 3.33, when she becomes the pedophile in Family Guy again. Seriously, I don't even wanna go further into The Story, every time I remember that high pitch I get urges to break out the baseball bat and beat the shit out of whoever's killing a cat!

#02 - Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
Oh brother... Katy Perry showed up a little while ago and rose so fast in the European Top 20 we were waiting to see her burst out through the ceiling and fly her way to fuckin' crow, taking her song along with her. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, so every other day I have to listen to it during my train ride back home. Which is precisely when I cannot escape. I need an MP3 player urgently.

The lyrics are nothing special: boy can't take a position to save his life and she's pissed about it. In a very cheery way, but she's pissed about it. She starts singing as if someone just punched her in the chest and she's gasping for air. Then the whole things becomes a cartoon theme song. I'm serious, this is one of those songs you hear being played at the beginning of a cartoon. Then she lost her breath again! The whole electronic, synthesizer bit is a common tool of those who cannot sing. I never heard Katy Perry live, but I'm almost positive it must be a massacre of decibels. Everyone can sing on a synthesizer. I can sing on a synthesizer.

What bothers me about it, other than the stupid duality between "I'm suffocating" and "morning cartoons opening" is that anyone with the slightest knowledge of computer programs could whip up something like this. But wait, maybe I'm being too rough on Katy Perry and her Hot N Cold (c'mon Katy, you're not cool just because you decided to misspell "and"). After all, she reminds me of another artist, and her whole style can perhaps be explained by her predecessor... let's see, girl singing? Check. Synthesizer use? Check. Pseudo-techno tunes? Check. Stupid lyrics? Check. Stupid music video? Hmmm... could it be she looks a little bit like... oh, of course! I see my mistake, I'm taking her seriously! Well, if her predecessor taught us something, Katy Perry and her song will be taking the walk in less than a year. I'm sorry Katy, do carry on!

#01 - The Boy Does Nothing by Alesha Dixon
Another song that reminds me of cartoons. Actually, she could probably be considered the black Katy Perry: she's also complaining about her man, who is clumsy and untidy. Then she eventually sees another guy, but he ends up not washing up, cleaning up or brushing up either. Apparently, Alesha Dixon is trying to get a date at the gorilla cage in the zoo. You know what this reminds me of? This. No shit. I'm sure someone could put the clip and the song together and it'd fit - with the exception Lum was funny and Alesha Dixon is not. The first time I heard her song, I wanted to jump out of the train. And it has been so for every other time I've heard it.

What bothers me in Alesha's song... the chorus. I could pick up the repetitive beat in the back, but I won't: she's doing a mambo here, I don't like mambo, so I have no say. That her lyrics sound both retarded, I can complain about. First, you get the chorus as if she's checking from a list: does he wash up? Never wash up, cross that. Does he clean up? Nope, not cleaning up, cross that as well. Does he brush up at least? Nah, doesn't brush up either - cross it. This guy is a fuckin' couch potato, he's coming into the club with his pajamas on! The last two verses are a very surprised "he does nothing, the boy does nothing!", and frankly I can understand him. If a woman was singing this at the club, I wouldn't know what to do either. Between making for the fire exits and swinging a chair at the stage.... decisions, decisions.

Also, you're way too fuckin' old to be calling your dancing partners "boy" unless you wanna be arrested. I guess these new songs aren't for me. I like the old time rock 'n roll.