'Tales from the Crypt'

I wanna review something entertaining and slightly longer than a regular movie. I've been watching a lot of shit lately (oh, people, have I been watching a lot of shit... stay tuned to the blog, you'll see), and when I've watched a lot of shit on a row, I usually seek solace in oldies, noir films, Alfred Hitchcock, the works... and a series or two which are dear to me. MST3K is one... and Tales from the Crypt is another. That's what I came here to talk about today.

What's so great about Tales from the Crypt? What isn't? Cheesy, made-for-TV special effects, 20 minutes worth of entertainment, a mascot so disgustingly cute only HBO could have aired it originally and no censorship whatsoever. No FCC bullshit on this one: in one episode of the fourth season, you get full frontal nudity the sort you'll have a hard time getting on cinema. And disembowelments, eyes falling out of sockets, cut fingers, zombies rising, killers, werewolves, voodoo priests, mutants, witchdoctors... and even all the classical mistakes: cameraman on the back, mic overhead, the works. Unacceptable in a serious flick. Great for laughs on a horror comedy series meant for impressionable teenagers.

All the stories on the episodes of Tales from the Crypt come from the same place: five comic book sagas published by EC Comics: the series' namesake, Vault of Horror, Haunt of Fear, Crime SuspenStories and Shock SuspenStories. All aimed at the same impressionable teenagers. The comics ran all through the 50's (uuh, vintage) and the TV series went from '89 to '96, counting a whooping 93 episodes. It's nothing, if you take into account House M.D. counts 106 episodes as of now and it's not over yet, but during the first half of the nineties and being a series aimed at such a short audience, it managed pretty well.

What's amazing is that while most stories in Tales from the Crypt episodes are, well... made for impressionable teenagers... some of them are actually very nice. One of my favorites, for instance, is about a guy who makes a living by dying, since he has nine lives, stolen from a cat. On his last performance, he's gonna be buried alive, and only once inside the coffin and six feet under does he realize that he might have gotten his maths wrong. Another such is about a paranoid man who is convinced that his wife is cheating on him with his best friend. One night, after some heavy drinking, he decides to kill both - and afterwards discovers he might've made a mistake. And how about a modern, female-oriented version of McBeth? Or a crook who after thirty-something years actually starts listening to his conscience - and it won't shut up. Some of them are outstanding, if you look at the worst episodes of it and the audience to which they were planned.

Furthermore, try looking at a list of all the big names involved in acting out the episodes on this. Tim Curry was on an episode (one freaky as crow episode), Brad Dourif too, and Whoopi Goldberg and John Rhys-Davies, Meat Loaf, Iggy Pop (as himself, pretty much), Slash, Joe Pesci (I wanna say "as himself" too, but he's in the sort of part he does best), Adam "I'm-the-goddamn-Batman" West, Demi Moore, Christopher Reeve, Brad Pitt, Benicio Del Toro, holy shit! The series is packed with big names. So if you can stand the cheese, and manage not to build up huge expectations, I would advise everyone to take a look at some episodes. Some stories are really interesting, and it's nice softcore horror for those still starting on the genre or those who want a break from the heavier stuff.

Weekly log - 23 through 29

Note: keep in mind most of this was written on a word processor document before ending up here, since I've been out of the 'net.

Mon Mar 23

No Internet, so I decided to do some of the shit I usually postpone for being online. Catch up with some chapters of the books I'm reading, scan my comic book collection for missing volumes and archiving errors, catch up with my word quota, watch some anime that's been sitting in my hard drive since the beginning of times and work on my campaign. When I got tired, I played some old games I never managed to complete 100%, and after I got tired of that, I started the first drafts for what will become the Book of Murphy.

Because I only have faith in three things in life. Death, taxes and ill luck.

It's gonna be marvelous. It's gonna be the pessimist's response to The Secret.

I made dinner today (it was pasta with tomato sauce) since I was really hungry and Mum was too tired to cook. My cellphone's bust too, it won't charge. I tried two different chargers. Kid Bro's is fucked up, and Mum's has cat nibbles all over it, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I asked Mum to brong me my charger back from Pop's on Wednesday.

Tue Mar 24

A friend of mine decided to come by to return a few comic books and we spent the afternoon playing some games. I'm becoming tired of being disconnected from 90% of my friends.

Been trying to tackle Resident Evil: Code Veronica on the past few days. I never finished the bloody game for several reasons. One being, at one point or another, I get out of ammo or healing items. Things were going smoothly this time, I'm older, I know how to drop a zombie and make a run for it instead of getting stuck behind the body, and at this point I dodge dogs pretty well, so that's a few more shots I don't need to make. Then at a certain point, I realized I needed an item which I didn't have... because I left it somewhere behind. I can't access that level anymore, so my only option now is to restart the game from the beginning. Bloody crow. Why don't I fuckin' save in different files?!

Pops is 51 years old today. I called him (not wanting to repeat last week's faux-pas, I decided to leave myself a note and call early in the morning, for good measure) to wish a happy birthday and know if we're gonna have dinner or lunch as we usually do. In the evening, I made dinner again (pasta with peppers, pretty nice says the household. We're eating a lot of pasta these days. If I get a proper tan and learn O Sole Mio, I'll be able to pass for Italian in no time). Then a friend called for a second dinner (strangely enough, pizza) which I was pretty happy to partake in. We hanged out for a couple of hours, telling stories.

Wed Mar 25

Got up in the morning. Put dishes in the washer. Hung clothes out to dry. Fired up Code: Veronica and played a little, until it got old. When it got old, I tried Half-Life until it did, too. I suck at it very much still. Went out to buy bread and smokes. Came back and checked the mail. Bills, and a court letter for Mum. Left everything in the kitchen counter, let her figure it out. made myself lunch: delicious chewable soup. Fired up God of War to vent a little frustration, until it got old. Kid Bro came in, had lunch, went out again. Took a shower. Smoked. Read a few chapters of a book I've had sitting on my shelf for a while, which I never got around to pick up. Smoked a little more. Did some campaign planning for about a half an hour. Wrote some more versicles for the Book of Murphy. Smoked. Went to the ATM at Mum's request. Got a call from Pops. Stared at the walls for a good, long while. Smoked. Picked up the clothes. Put away the dishes. Made dinner. Mum got home, tired and pissed. Kid Bro got home, just tired. Did some more of pretty much everything stated above. Watched Yu Yu Hakusho episodes. Going to bed in about ten minutes.

My days are boring like crow. I've been disconnected from forums, chat and overall virtual interaction, which is pretty much 80% of all the interaction I do. It's been five days, and if I hadn't seen some of the guys yesterday, I'd be going apeshit. I miss my friends. Wednesday's the armpit of the week.

Thu Mar 26

We had dinner with Pops tonight, at the usual spot: a place with a buffet and a lot of food for the taking. Other than Christmas and New Year's, the times when I go out with Pops are the only ones when I get to eat like a mighty beast.

I kept conversation on safe grounds: family and funnies. After several years of dealing with my Father post-divorce, I have figured out these are the two themes less likely to start up an argument between us. They are pretty much the only things we can't disagree at. We spoke about family from his side I never met, either because nobody bothered to introduce them to me, or I wasn't born yet, and funny stuff that happened to me, him or Kid Bro. Talking about Kid Bro, I also made an effort to keep conversation to his side as much as possible. I've spent the past eight or nine years making idle chat by myself, kiddo. It's your turn to contribute a little to make these meetings go by as smoothly as possible.

Coming back home, I browsed a few local newspapers for job ads. Strangely enough, people only seem to post ads on the paper for fucking and giving away dogs. That's all I found: women and dogs for giveaway. More women than dogs.

Fri Mar 27

Well, Resident Evil Code: Veronica is finally finished. Like in most Resident Evil games, my first complete playthrough ranked D. It's probably gonna stick like that, because I don't believe in Easy and Hard modes, and I don't believe in speed runs. Kid Bro says it's because I can't do them, which is bullshit. When it's a game I enjoy a lot, I usually take the time to do the Hard mode. I'm a couple fights away from finishing Project Zero 2: Crimsom Butterfly in Hard mode. And I finish the first game of that franchise in about three to four hours if I don't miss my way anywhere.

I must say that even if I like the franchise a lot, Resident Evil has been disappointing me. It stopped being a survival game. From the original up to Code: Veronica, we have survival games: fetch this, open that, solve the puzzles, keep an eye on your healing items, get this working, find more ammo, shoot only what you need and flee. Then Resident Evil 4 became a shooter. What's this? If I wanted a shooter I'd play Halo, I want a survival game! Where are the puzzled, and all the knick-knacks and thingamajigs we gotta recover, and the stuff you can open with a lockpick... more importantly, where are the fuckin' zombies? And even more important, why are we in fuckin' Spain?!

I'm not particularly interested in the fifth titled either. It's Chris Redfield and crow knows I love him dearly, but not only did it come out in a console I don't own, if it doesn't have zombies and consists in shooting targets, cout me out. Silent Hill 5 is a disgrace, but even that's better. You know what I miss? My Resident Evil 3: Nemesis. I used to own it, but Kid Bro lent it to someone who never gave it back, when he was younger.

Weekend Sat 28 - Sun 29

I started a game of Resident Evil 2 to pass time. Now I know I've aced this before, and maybe I'm noticing a difference because I finished Code: Veronica in the PS2 and this is the Gamecube, it's also an older game... but why is it so hard? I went back and double-checked if I was playing Normal mode, but everything was in the clear. And I run out of bullets easy-peasy.

When I got tired of being maimed by zombies, I went back to my scan of the first Project Zero for any missing ghosts, Hard difficulty, getting the Nightmade difficulty and finishing all missions with rank S. More like rank ASS. I'm convinced some of those are for master gamers, because I can't figure what I'm doing wrong: I have a good time, I don't miss any shots... so?

Anyway, Mum got paid today, so we'll probably be back online soon. So I can post all this online and complain a little more to others and a little less to myself. Mum brought a shortcake home for dessert and said it was time to celebrate: she got promoted and will be having a percentage more money every month. She's in shifts now, so sometimes, she'll be doing nights. She also brought me a phone number off a window near the place where Pops works. It seems they're asking for people there. Guess what they're asking people for.

Come on, just take a wild fraggin' guess.

What job could I hate so much I'd loathe doing it for any money?

Call-center. Still, I'm calling next week. It's the first more or less reliable offer in months. I can't afford not to take it. It's turning my gut inside out, but I can't afford not to take it.

Weekly Log - 16 through 22

Mon Mar 16

Ah, Monday. What a bad fuckin' way to spend 1/7 of your days.

Tue Mar 17

Grandma's out of the hospital. We went to pick her up, it's the same place where my folks always go when there's a situation: when my throat blocked because of the tonsillitis, it was to this hospital I was taken. And when we had that car crash, we came here as well. And when my Mum was ill, bam, right here too. I know this hospital way too well and I hate it deeply.

Pushing a wheelchair through the corridors, I felt like this was gonna turn into Silent Hill at any given moment: corridors cleared, a nurse coming by every once in a while... I'm playing too much lately. Then we picked up Grandma: still paralyzed, and we're not sure how sane she is at this point. Remember a while ago I typed she was losing it? What little we understand of what she says makes absolutely no sense.

Then we brought her home, and the time came to decide what to do once and for fuckin' all. My Mum and my Grandpa were the only ones present. After some juggling about, they decided it would be best if she went back South. We don't have means or schedule to take permanent care of her, and starting now, she needs someone on her case 24/7. Grandpa has a lot more free time, and if needed be, he'll find a nurse to help. Knowing my Grandfather, I doubt this situation will go on for long: he'll hire a nurse after some time. They're departing tomorrow, early in the morning.

Wed Mar 18

Well, it's done. It doesn't mean it's over, the issue is about four hours South of here. Crow only knows how long we have until we need a more permanent solution.

Thu Mar 19

On Wednesday I looked at the calendar and said to myself, "Well, Father's Day's a-comin'." Yesterday, shortly before dinner, I thought to myself I couldn't forget to call Pops today because it was Father's Day. Guess what happened today?

He called me after dinner to wish me a Happy Father's Day. Which tells me he's pissed and wants to rub it in. He better than anyone should know people tend to forget these things. Ten years in a row, he forgot about either my Mum's birthday, their wedding anniversary, or both. I on the other hand had, until today, a perfect 20 year record. Ah well. It's his birthday five days from now, I tend to see both occasions as one.

Fri Mar 20

Spent most of my day doing stuff not worth mentioning (just because I'm bored to tears, it doesn't mean I have to bore you to tears as well... then again, you are reading my blog. You're asking for it) and during the evening, my brother's Internet connection fried. After he tried to reboot everything on his side, since we share a modem, it was time to reboot everything on my side. Not only it didn't connect him, it disconnected me as well.

I tried to reboot and check the configuration several times over. In fact, I tried for most of the night, while watching Tokyo Godfathers. But by 4 in the AM, there was still no Internet. I made plans to call support in the morning if there's still nothing in the morning. And here begins my saga, the reason why I've been out of contact and late on my blog posts as of late. I am going to post this on the right date for archiving purposes, but I'm obviously typing posthumously.

Weekend Sat 21 - Sun 22

Since the Internet was still out, I called the support to ask if there was a problem with their service. There was a little situation, in fact. Known as Not Paying the Bill. See, when i first exchanged providers, they mistakenly sent the bills to another address I had... some eight years ago. How they came across it, I have little to no idea. My guess is that when we first moved to the big house, about... oh, two movings ago and about eight years, the service installed for TV was this one. So the fact we provided a new address and data this time meant jack squat. As such, when we were warned there would be a cut, we called them, only to learn we were two bills behind. Unable to afford paying the whole thing, we were advised by support to pay the older bill and leave the newest one for later on. And we've been doing it ever since, because life's a bitch and we don't really have the cash to normalize everything. Eventually, it appears the "system" got tired of the constant delay. Until the bill is paid in full, no Internet for me.

Ain't that something... they fuck up, and I have to sit down and wait because I can't afford to keep up with their mistakes. Once again it occurred to me, if I had a proper job, the kind that pays regularly (Pops, I'm glancing at you) this wouldn't have happened. I tried to argue my case on the phone too, but the people on the other side had more ranks in Diplomacy than me. As if I wasn't pissed enough, when Mum got home and I told her about it, she ignored my explanation of what had happened, and instead thought I had either lost a bill or an ATM receipt. When she finally found everything was in order, she dropped the subject. Boy, nights sure do get lonely here sometimes...

YouTube Wednesday with Castlevania

I just finished Castlevania: Lament of Innocence today... and tried Joachim, I hate that albino bastard. I must say, however, the bosses are extremely easy safe for the Forgotten One and the last motherfucker. Actually, the last motherfucker was tougher still than the Forgotten One... and speaking of which, take a good gander at this beast.



Not the toughest boss I've faced in this game... but the best fight I've had visually, by far.

Weekly Log - 09 through 15

Monday Mar 09

Kid Bro was on concert tonight, we packed up and went there to watch. His band had the biggest cheerleading squad in the room: a whole row of teenage girls shouting for them. While they didn't win, they did pretty good. I on the other hand got bored to kingdom come watching everyone else act before them. Okay, there were two who were fairly decent, but I swear... a girl saying she likes "heavy" music and then coming out with Amy Lee? Get outta here...

Tuesday Mar 10

Can't sleep for shit. I'm worried about my house. The rent's late, the bills are late, Mum's gonna be summoned to court over payments Pops didn't make on their debts, I don't know where I'm gonna go if we lose this place.

They called from the translation job. The guy told me the first text was perfect, but the second one wasn't so perfect. That was because I had never worked in patent register before (shit, really?) and as such didn't know the sort of language I should use, (oh please. I did that thing without a technical dictionary. It was hard to understand in English and it turned up readable in Portuguese. What's the fuckin' problem?) adding that really wasn't my fault. He would present the texts to the patent people to see if I was accepted.

Translation: get lost, sister.

More and more it dawns on me that people are too wordy for their own good. I've been like that. I used to think, when I was younger and stupider, that using long words and making the best of what vocabulary I had meant I was more responsible, more adult, more capable. It wasn't so much to convince others, as myself. In order to speak responsibly you have to think responsibly, and if I thought responsibly, I'd probably end up being responsible. It's a pack of bull. This is why I love language: you can speak a million words and never say a thing. Whoever is so self-important they can't speak informally should be taken out of the building and beaten with golf clubs. This patent guy is like this. My Pops always speaks informally. This asshole insists in showing off his education by using words nobody knows...

But I'm not complaining about that, this is just a comment. I know in some contexts you need to use technical language. I wonder what's a more technical term for "but". Or "due to". Or "yet". I used as formal a language as I've learned. I did my best, that's that. What bothers me is that, when speaking to this guy on the phone, I had a distinct impression he wasn't going to hire me on grounds that I haven't got a degree. Why the fuck did I have to do all this if it all depends on a fuckin' piece of paper proving I spent four years or more of my life sitting on a room getting fed bullshit from every corner? Because that's what college is. Sitting in a room getting fed bullshit you don't really need to know, and forsaking skills you can actually use in a job and everyday life.

Wednesday Mar 11

Spent the afternoon in the company of a friend, holding a remote and kickin' virtual ass. It's been a while since I've had so much fun in front of any given game system. My game list is limited these days, and I think I'm finishing them too fast for my own good. This reminds me of being a lil' brat and doing exactly the same thing with exactly the same guy a shitload of years in the past (getting my ass handed to me, too), only it was my house and the game system wasn't of the present generation. Crow, I had fun. I never for one minute thought about the crock of shit that is my life back in the house.

Then later on, we went out to the only Starbucks in the neighborhood (for now...) to tackle a "coffee taste". You know, like wine tastes? I swear... I like to think I can tell good coffee from bad coffee, but that was ridiculous. Or maybe the smokes already killed my taste buds, I don't know. Who cares, nobody ever expects free coffee to be good coffee...

Well, there's an exception. There used to be a place in downtown Lisbon where you could drink free coffee. It was an advertising place for a coffee machine. As long as you could put up with a ten-minute explanation of how the machine works, you could try their coffee all you wanted. Good coffee, too. It was sorta hidden in one of those streets, and eventually closed. All the coffee freebies can't be good for business, even if coffee isn't all that expensive when bought by the pound.

Thursday Mar 12

Grandma is coming out of the hospital, and nobody knows what we're gonna do about it. She now needs true 24 hour care. No way of letting her stay by herself for an hour or so as before: she can barely move and doesn't talk now. Mum went to the hospital to see the doctor twice, and twice the doctor was a no-show. So we really have no idea what other requirements there might be. Mum is hoping the Brady Bunch from Hell will agree to take her down South again, and it seems Grandpa is also inclined towards that option. Auntie says she'll help but doesn't want Grandma in her place. My Uncle hasn't said anything yet. If I know my family, this is gonna be just like the afternoon my Mum left Pops for good: everyone will be at the same space in different times, talking via messengers, avoiding to discuss the unpleasant matter and nothing will get solved. My brother and I will have no say in the matter even if he's one year behind on adulthood and I'm old enough to handle most shit, Mum will only complain about any decision when she's alone with me, and in the end, we'll all have to grit our teeth and hang on.

In the very unlikely event I one day give birth, if I ever put my children through anything that even slightly resembles this situation, my friends, you have my written permit to beat the eleven bahoolas out of me.

Friday Mar 13

Here she is. Two in a fuckin' row is hard to do, but by crow, it's done!

Pops withdrew all the company money from the bank, so this weekend will be spent with very little to eat and gas that won't last to Monday. Mum's furious and she keeps saying the company is still hers, and that Pops owes her child support for my brother (well, there's no way to prove that now, is there? Seeing as you gave him the receipt and all...) and that he's gonna have to hear from her on Monday (if that really happens, I'll be scanning the skies for the Horsemen). Murphy must be laughing his ass off somewhere.

I went through several job ads, with very little results, and gathered as many coins as I could from pockets, money boxes, ashtrays and wallets all around the house. Not enough to buy food for the house, but just enough to get cat chow. My cat hasn't eaten for two days now, I know that's rough, I've been there. So I secured his feeding for the next few weeks. He hates that brand, but he eats it anyway. I hate eggplants too, but if I'm really hungry, I'll eat 'em.

Weekend Mar 14-15

Going right to the good side of my weekend, let's talk about download updates. Castlevania: Lament of Innocence will be sitting in my hard drive in a few days. I'm still not sure if I want to get Curse of Darkness as well. There' only one thing I dislike about LoI: the fraggin' whip. It reminds me of Simon's Quest, crow, it's been years and that still sucks. Also have Kuon on my Do Want list, so as soon as I find a .iso, it's going to be downloaded. Epica (missing two albums) and X-Japan (have jack) discographies are also on the way. Due to a very odd and rather uncalled for hint, I'm also looking for Korpiklaani's discography. Yay, folk metal (also called viking metal). Plus, check out those fire jugglers... fuck Portuguese folk dancing, the Finnish don't mess around.

Ten Weapons for Surviving Horrors

When you have a problem, especially a problem with horror, you want to be armed. There will be all sorts of ghouls and creatures crawling around wanting to kill you. Now I don't know about you, but I like to blow out the brains of any son of a crow who tries to kill me for whatever reason, and since there is no predefined way to do it, you can get awfully creative. This is a top ten of weapons I like to use when faced with horror -you can use it as a guideline to prepare your arsenal for Z-Day.

#10 - Yithian Energy Gun
As featured in Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth. The only problem is that in order to get it, you gotta find a way to transport yourself into the Yithian dimension / planet. If this doesn't pose a problem to you, it means you're ear-deep in Cthulhu-related problems and you'll probably be killing yourself at the end of this mess. Damn, if the polyps alone weren't enough to discourage you, I don't know what will! Other than that little problem, it's like having the shotgun version of a taser. It features two modes, shoot and charge, and it'll deep-fry fishmen with no need for grease or further seasoning. It gives off an electric discharge powerful enough to kill Hydra, which is one of the biggest mothers below sea level. And if you know how to combine that with fluids, you've got yourself a show stopper.

Monsters will also react negatively to taser-like weapons. If you recall your Silent Hill 3, you know the taser was a powerful, but slow weapon. The Yithian Energy Gun, however, eliminates the "slow" part. During Silent Hill: 0rigins, they added a simpler, less troublesome version of this called Tesla rifle. Also an electricity weapon, and not any heavier than a shotgun, it kills most enemies with two shots or less. It's not any less hard to get, although you can avoid messing with Cthulhu. And take my word for it, you don't want to be involved with Cthulhu or its minions in any way. To get the Tesla rifle, you need to get yourself abducted by aliens in a ghost town packed with monsters. When you're beamed back, they give you this nifty trinket as a souvenir.

Although it's probably the best thing to have in a crisis, the problems with getting it shoots it far off to number 10. If you're already messing with Cthulhu or have friends in outer space, it's probably worth a try.

#09 - Comfortable, yet Heavy Shoes
Alright, this might sound odd since we're talking weaponry, but allow me to explain. If you ever played a survival game, you know there's going to be a lot of running just as soon as things get hot and your path is teeming with zombies, monsters, freaks, aliens, ghosts, or even scarier: people. And although you can, technically, Solid Snake your way around them or just avoid a couple rooms, there will be times when running like the Northern wind will be your only option. When this happens, brother, believe me, you want to have a good pair of shoes on you. Games like Haunting Ground and a good deal Resident Evil instances depend on proper shoes. If you wanna get in shape, this is a great time, because you'll be burning sole for a while in these situations. Or namely, Silent Hill 2, in which you gotta go to greath lenghts (and I mean great: just the run from Brookside Hospital to the Historical Society is one Hell of a stretch) between levels.

If they're heavy shoes, (work boots, solid heels, you know...) you also have a powerful war asset. Enemy dropped? Crush its spine! Stomp its crotch! Make sure it's not coming back up! Door's blocked? Kick it in. And, again: it's coming towards you? Get the Hell outta dodge.

#08 - The Plastic Bag
If Manhunt taught you something it's that, under the right circumstances, anything can be a weapon. From the moment you can kill some poor schmo with a toilet tank lid, you can use pretty much everything. My favorite item? Plastic bags.

Regular plastic bags, the sort you get in the supermarket of your choice.

It is one of the best ways to get rid of people wanting to kill you. And takes next to no room in your bag. Your Mum probably warned you about this dozens of times, but fuck that. Instructions of use: open your plastic bag, sneak behind the sorry scum you wanna kill, place the bag over their head, pull, hold strongly and wait a few minutes. In the worst case, your foe will pass out and you can break its spine with a nicely placed kick (see #09).

Now, let me address something here. If you're gonna kill someone with a plastic bag, you wanna do it right. I know there's a sort of poetic justice in having someone choke on a big brand supermarket bag. Seeing them fade out with Wal-Mart stamped on their face, and pondering, while you hold the bag around their neck, on the way big brands have choked local traders out of their business and people out of their money. But for this particular purpose, get your bag from a retailer, small market, street market or local trader. Why? Because those are usually plain colored plastic bags, more resistant and less likely to stretch, break or rupture. You can tear away a supermarket bag easy peasy. But a local retailer bag is hard as crow. That's the one you want on getting rid of mercenaries trying to kill you. It sadly won't work for anything else but, it's worth to keep one or two handy.

#07 - The Katana
Very popular with everyone. But I'm not talking about that thing you bought in the corner chinese store and keep displayed in your room. I'm talking about a real katana, the sort that, much like those knives you don't want your girlfriend to buy under any circumstances, could cut through wooden logs like it was nothing.

Most of us would prefer to stay fairly clean when surviving... it's distressing, you're dusty, and dirty, and bloody... but forget about it with the katana. You'll be caked in foreign blood in no time. While visual effect is always nice (and bright red tends to bring out the artist in us all), it does tend to get a little bit uncomfortable once it's dry and smelling. The problem with a katana is, again, they're hard to find. Those you buy at the corner chinese store are intended for deco only I'm afraid. It is still easier to get a true katana than a Yithian Energy Gun, however, and the katana has proved useful not only for all manner of thing that bleeds, but also to make you look as cool as Winter in Finland. If you're a slasher by heart, you want one of these.

#06 - The Hunting Rifle
On the realm of heavy guns, this one takes the cake. Shotguns are very nice, but the shot spreads and it's not a very good idea to use it unless you've sawed off the barrels first. The common rifle is very good, but the hunting rifle packs a nicer punch. Come on, if this sort of thing can throw down a buffalo, zombies have no chance in Hell. It is also not very hard to get. Your regular fishing and hunting supply store oughta have some. Or you'll just have to contact that shady guy in your neighborhood whom the police have been looking for. Not the one with the nosebleed and bloodshot eyes, the less stoned one.

One you get the hang of the hunting rifle, headshots will become easy. Get yourself up on a tree branch or building roof, and you can blow nearly anything to smithereens. It is easier to maneuver and keep than a sniper gun, and much, much easier to find. You also want to have one of these when faced with either the monster boss or alien overlord. Those don't die easy, but the hunting rifle will do the trick.

#05 - The Bat
The quintessential blunt weapon. A good, solid baseball bat is a must-have in any home situated in a bad neighborhood and every given house in America. Sturdy, easy to swing, comes in the aluminum and wood varieties (I prefer the wood myself: the sound it makes when it hits something is nicer to the ear) and best of all: it is perfectly legal to own one nearly everywhere. It is also very easy to find, even in countries where, like here, baseball ain't big. Take a stroll down to a Toys 'R' Us and go to the sports section. Voilà. It even comes with a ball or two, which is nice, because if you're creative and have a lot of plastic explosive, you've got yourself a handgrenade.

The bat is useful for those people who like to stay fairly clean while surviving. Being a blunt weapon, it's bound not to make as much a slashing weapon. It is also reliable. Just take a while to watch Shaun of the Dead (and if you've never watched it, go do it. Now! It's a great zombie comedy!). Sportsware is always great for Z-Day: football helmets, hockey sticks, ski masks, golf clubs, these are all good. But the baseball bat is essential. Even on any given monster or alien, it's bound to work. If it has a head, it can be battered to death. For further instructions, Manhunt 2 also has great suggestions for using both baseball bats and police batons.

#04 - The Beretta
Small, easy to use, reliable, and bullets for it seem to be pretty much everywhere. Seriously. Make a quick run through Resident Evil or Silent Hill: both Racoon City and Silent Hill Town are in fuckin' Texas. There's ammo lying around everywhere.

According to data recovered from several years of survival horror by yours truly, zombies take something like three to five shots to die, monsters get four to six (unless they're a boss: in that case, see #06), really fucked-up monsters go five to ten (try killing a Missionary in Silent Hill 3 with a gun and you'll see what I mean), aliens can get up to twelve and you're still fucked if your problem is Cthulhu. A silencer is also a good idea, after all, the beretta's main problem is the noise it makes. If you see a hooded guy in hidden spots, he'll likely sell you all upgrades you need, as seen in Resident Evil 4. He also managed to be everywhere before you somehow, so I suppose he has a pretty nice bycicle.

The beretta is a problem to reload, so make sure you do before venturing outside, and get yourself to safety before you attempt to reload it. In large crowds of fiends, you want to be at safe distance before shooting. In the best interest of not wasting precious ammo, you also may want to get one before the shit hits the fan, and practice with some bottles before doing any actual massacre. Go for headshots. Almost everything dies if shot in the head.

#03 - The Butcher Cleave
No no no, I'm not talking about the one you unlock in Silent Hill: 0rigins by making the second ending. I'm talking about a common butcher's cleave. Why? Why the fuck not, that's what you should be asking!

Forget all they taught you about slasher weapons. Forget scalpels, kitchen knives, hunting knives, pocket blades and the like. You want a butcher cleave. Fairly decent reach, easy to handle, light, and does damage like you wouldn't believe. Remember these things are used to chop away whole animals. Some of them, if sharpened enough (keep a leather belt handy) can cut through bone in one or two. If you have a problem with, particularly, monsters, you want one of these in your arsenal. No matter how big it is, the cleave can do good damage.

If, again, you're a slasher by heart and can't afford to get a katana, nearly every kitchen has a cleave. And if not, it won't be hard to find a butcher shop that does, even if you have to go through some window-breaking and lockpicking. Plenty of stores will have them too, and if you can get dual cleaves, you're a full plate and a smiley button on your jacket away from being a lean, mean killing machine.

#02 - The Lead Pipe / The Crowbar
When the going gets tough, the tough pick up a 2 or 3 foot long metal object and go to town. It's everything that was great about the baseball bat, only less likely to break and with better reach. Mandatory in all Silent Hill games (it wouldn't really be Silent Hill without it) and common to a lot of improvised weaponry games. Even Clue has a lead pipe. If these aren't proof enough you want one, Fallout 3 should be. Even in the realms devastated by post-apocalyptic shit, they use lead pipes. Just admit it: this common household construction material is the shit.

Getting one? Easy peasy. Go to any given construction site. If you have a basement or cellar, there's probably a few spare (or not) there. As a last resort, find a way to hack at your bathroom wall, you'll find a few. After all, who gives a flying crow if there's a hole over your toilet and you can't flush, this is an emergency! There are horrible things in your backyard!

The crowbar might be slightly more useful than the pipe, actually. After all, not only can you lay the smack down on whatever foes you find along the way, you can also force open doors, chests of goodies and other resourceful, yet locked, places. If your problem is Cthulhu (and yet again, if it is, you're fucked), fishmen seem to die quickly with a few slams of a crowbar as well. Hey, an FPS as cool as Half-Life can't be wrong...

#01 - Camera
You gotta take a cam along. It's mandatory. Whatever's happening, you must have a camera with you. I don't care if it's Z-Day, aliens invading, monsters, Cthulhu (you poor bastard...), the recession, whatever the fuck it is you're fighting -you must have a camera. Let me go through it again: you must have a camera. Why? Here's why.

First and foremost, a camera will be your only protection against a particular brand of foe: ghosts. If you can find a Camera Obscura (there are three in the world so... good luck with that), even better. If not, your regular everyday camera will also be put to good use when sending problems away, even if just for a while. Digital or old school, make sure it has a flash. It will be useful to temporarily blind a good deal of enemies. And, as proved by Silent Hill 3, it can be of even greater use when fetching codes written in blood on a wall you can't see or reach. And should your trusty flashlight fail you, you won't die stupidly by falling down some stairs, as long as you have flash.

There is a final reason why you want a camera with you when surviving time comes. Whatever's attacking you, if you don't photograph it, nobody will ever believe your tales.

Weekly Log - 02 through 08

Monday Mar 02

Slept badly for the second part of my night due to a rather large group of assholes that made a party right under my window. Spent most of my morning in traffic jams. Silent Hill 3 arrived, but there was a corrupt file and the game won't load. Cat broke one of my ashtrays by accident. Took a hurried shower because gas was at the end. There isn't coffee in the house. Five cents away from buying me a pack of smokes and there isn't a fuckin' five cent coin anywhere in this Hell forsaken place. Started getting the Sharpshooter Accolade (kill over 75% enemies with a firearm) in Silent Hill: 0rigins, skipped saving for the entire Sanatorium level as training for the Daredevil Accolade (run through the game without saving) and the lights went off just as I was about to enter the boss. Wanted to upload the Weekly Log for the past week but for some reason I cannot ascertain, Blogger wouldn't let me do it, have to write half the whole thing again. One of my black jeans got ripped in a way I probably won't be able to stitch back. Skipped lunch because I wasn't hungry, when I did get hungry, there was very little around the house to cook with, so delicious insta-ramen it was. At the end of the afternoon, going out to buy bread, nearly got ran over because a retard can't tell the difference between the road and the sidewalk where I was waiting to cross. What the heck happened today?

Oh, right. Monday happened.

Tuesday Mar 03

Watched Silent Hill (the movie) for the 5th time since last Friday. I'm preparing to review it. Went through several clips of b-series horror flicks for laughs, but they didn't do the trick. Got my first chuckle of the day from audio clips of the deceased George Carlin and spent most of my afternoon asleep for the lack of better things to do. I'm considering getting arrested as a career move: government would pay for a good part of the rest of my studies, I could learn a new language or trade, they would have to aid me in gaining access to another job after I was out and the most I'd have to worry about would be getting raped by other women. Boo-flippin'-hoo. Something like armed robbery would do the trick. I have my heart set on a PS3. At least if I get away with it, I can enjoy myself.

Wednesday Mar 04

Wednesday. Armpit of the week. Not close enough to the weekend, not far enough from Monday. Wednesdays don't go by: they drag themselves pathetically across the calendar, like there was a weight stuck to the hands of the clock. And in a fucked-up, incomplete-looking month like February, Wednesdays come across as both frustrating and depressing. It's on Wednesday that the fact I don't have a job most clearly comes across: they're all the more frustrating because I can't find one, and all the more depressing because of the regular pack of bullshit my everyday routine is.

I've handed my Mum my ATM card, since she usually asks for it anyway. I also handed her whatever cash I had but the coins: those I use to buy smokes on the machine at the corner coffee shop. What's the use in me keeping money, if they're gonna ask me for it, wake me up when I'm asleep for it and take it at any rate? I want very badly to stop depending on Pops because, frankly, I don't wanna have much to do with him. I never had, and don't see a reason to start now. Like this, I'll be depending on him for a good, long while. The more I try to stay the fuck away from all these people, the closer they get...

The only good news today was X-Men Origins: Wolverine coming out on May 1st. I want to see that movie very badly, and I think I should kick myself in the ass for letting fangirlism take the best of me. I've seen the trailers. To some extent, I know I will be disappointed. I am already, in certain issues: 'Pool doesn't look as awesome as I had hoped.

Thursday Mar 05

Finally, a breakthrough. Despite small, it may be the one I needed. Pops told a friend of his working in patent translations that my English was mighty decent. I spoke to the man myself today, he gave me a couple of texts to translate. Let me tell you, this is going to be one son of a bitch: it's a text describing chemicals whose names are nowhere to be found in a dictionary. I'm gonna give it my best, but I'm not getting my hopes too high up. You know the higher up you get, the harder down you crash. Been there, done that, took a Polaroid of it.

After tackling the first text into a draft for later cleanup, a friend asked me how I felt about the next lunch meeting of the bunch. Suggested an afternoon of b-series horror. I've been looking at some clips which are too fun for words (in a gruesome and poorly conceived way), and think it'd be very nice to stage a MST3K-like event in which we'll watch bad movies and poke fun at them. But hey, this is me. I find MST3K hilarious... I presented a few suggestions, including this little gem, which was done by Weta Workshop (one of the many institutions that like New Zealand gained great reputation working in The Lord of the Rings) and looks too stupid to be true. But I double-checked: it is a real motion picture. Genetically altered monster sheep. Possibly the only thing more ridiculous than Night of the Lepus.

Friday Mar 06

I've translated both texts, and went over them several times. I'm gonna stop looking at 'em, I think the more I do the less I get right at this point.

Got some news on Grandma, whom doctors are amazed at. They said she would become permanently paralyzed on the right side. Visitors going to see her, however, claim she can move her right arm and leg. She still doesn't talk, something odd with the muscles of the face it seems, but she's one sturdy old lady.

Weekend Mar 07 - 08

Well, the text is finished. Sent it via e-mail and here's to hoping for the best... (who am I kidding? I started the Most Serene Church. I don't believe in hope!)

I did some work on the computer: correcting mistakes, reinstalling a few things and cleaning up a much needed folder of misc stuff. My downloads this week are a bunch of Hellboy numbers I had never read and a few episodes of Yuu Yuu Hakusho that someone advised me to watch. I'm thinking of starting a few short stories just for kicks, give some development to a couple of things I had in mind. There is also something bigger, but I'm still figuring out how to tackle it. The story is in my head, putting it on the paper (or rather, on the word processor) is slightly more complicated. It would help keep up the word quota very much, though.

'1408'

If one thing there is as old as the belief in ghosts, haunted houses must be it. People seem to believe, and it is further reinforced by paranormal investigators, most ghosts and apparitions are restrained to a space they inhabited in life, or where they died. As such, haunted spaces arise easily, particularly in places charged with heavy emotional energy: sanatoriums, hospitals, Victorian mansions. With the sort of life people lead nowadays, the haunted spaces change to adapt: houses become apartments, studios, lofts and rooms. Today, I wanna talk to you about 1408, which is, in Samuel L. Jackson's own line, not haunted but "an evil fuckin' room". By Sweden director Mikael Håfström, with screenplay based off a short story by Stephen King, 1408 dropped on our laps in the merry year of 2007. Samuel L. Jackson needs no introduction whatsoever, and you can probably recall John Cusack from Being John Malkovitch (1999) or Con Air (1997). It all begins with Mike Enslin, thriller author and fake haunting debunker. Having traveled all across USA territory uncovering hauntings, he is given a scoop about room 1408 at the Dolphin Hotel, NY, and being the firm skeptic he is, he decides this is another one he will debunk for his new book. However, fifty-six people have already died inside the bedroom, none of them able to last more than an hour inside without losing their mind or dying - by suicide, murder, or even more bizarre, natural causes. And as soon as he enters the room, just like so many before him, Mike's own issues start coming back to him: his daughter, prematurely dead, the wife he left without an explanation, and the father he holds an unsolved argument with. I think I spoiled it enough as plot goes, so I should warn you now that even more SPOILERS will be flying your way from here on. If you're the sort that dislikes having the movie wrecked for you, stop reading now.

I walked into watching 1408 with some expectations, of course, I've had my share of haunted house flicks. I must say this completely blew everything I was expecting, and proved to be closer to The Shining than to Poltergeist (and no, the reference didn't escape me with Cusack's line about rivers of blood. Scripwriters gave Stephen King a long, firm nod there). Enslin actually solves the mystery of room 1408 right at the movie's beginning: ten minutes after walking inside the room, a trip through Hell begins which takes 60 minutes to be completed. Enslin is taken through several layers of it, which pretty much follow Dante's model of Hell. When the journey is finished, everything starts anew, so he is pretty much stuck in the same time period: he cannot leave the room in any way, he cannot call for aid and his only way out of it is the same many before him have chosen: to "check out" by committing suicide.

If they didn't tell me this was based off a Stephen King story, I might have gotten there. The plot and characters are very like something he'd do. The main character is a writer. Sure sign of Stephen King's presence right there, you can find this in other movies based off his work easily: IT (1990), The Dark Half (1993), The Shining (1980), Salem's Lot (1979), Stand by Me (1986), Misery (1990), and several others. Enslin leads a fairly normal life until the day something odd happens in his presence or he walks into a freakish situation: this is King's trademark style. Flashbacks are also one of Stephen King's most used tools, both for novels and movies, and it's used quite often in 1408 as well. Finally, King is no strange to character death. In fact, the endings of his books and several of his films are usually marked by the death of a character. There is something that is much unlike Stephen King-based films, however: the quality of the flick. I am used to watching Stephen King-based flicks which are made for TV, or as a mini-series... or overall made over ten years ago, which nowadays is the same as made for TV quality. Having seen, let's say, Rose Red (2002) which was made as a miniseries, I was very positively surprised with 1408.

You'll find many signs of haunting which are classical, and if you're the kind that always wants something new, you're in for a slight disappointment. The tap that spurs water all of a sudden, spectral voices, radio and TV coming on without human intervention, bleeding walls, little kid ghost, paintings that change, Enslin thinking he's out but he's not, electronic devices going to Hell, all of these are classical. I still like how the main character deals with the shit happening to him, however: Cusack is very good on this. While being frightened looks very legit, what comes across better is frustration. As sound goes, another pleasant surprise. I particularly like the slightly disturbing, slightly unnerving tunes we get from time to time. They don't become loud enough to deter you from what's happening, they don't spoil what's happening next (the "scary music = spooky shit a-comin'" syndrome). Usually, the tunes are used for marking and enhancing events instead of predicting them. You also have a theme song of sorts, We've Only Just Begun by The Carpenters. I already thought that band was creepy, now I'm sure! (I'm dead serious, have you taken a good look at Karen Carpenter's pictures? Shit...)

I have found, during my lurking around forums about the movie, there seems to be a second ending, in which Mike is supposedly alive and his wife hears the recording of their daughter's voice. I can't seem to find this anywhere, as I've seen the other ending: Mike's dead and the room is torched down. I also found out a lot of people seem to be calling this a horrible flick because it didn't scare them. On that part I must sadly agree: the movie disturbs slightly, it's odd, but not necessarily scary. It's pretty good, there were a couple scenes that actually made me a bit spooked, but not scared. A third issue very present in forums seems to be that the tale is better... well, having seen so many adaptations, folks, I can tell you it's hard to find an occasion in which the written word isn't better than the movie.

Finally... what the Hell was wrong with 1408. This seems to be the most criticized thing in the movie. Theories about drugged drinks and dreams were shot everywhere across the Internet, but Samuel L. Jackson's explanation seems to be the closer to the truth: it's an evil room. I dislike it too when things go about unexplained, but not like 1408. I dislike it when things happen out of nowhere, for instance, like the last thirty minutes of anything by Takashi Miike. I dislike it when things start off being logical and then go to smithereens at the end because screenwriters got stuck. I dislike it when the solution for a big mystery comes out of nowhere, or it's too obvious and the main cast didn't see it, this is the "lacks of explanation" I dislike. You could say it's lack of consistency I dislike. But you don't see it here: the manager doesn't know what's wrong with the room, only something is. Mike can't figure out what's wrong with the room either. Nobody can figure out what's wrong! Consistent from beginning to end! And let me tell you, kudos to Stephen King as unexplained shit is concerned. Try reading some of his tales: it's mostly unexplained.

It's a very decent movie, overall, one you can enjoy easily over a pack of chips (it's something like 90 minutes long). Don't hope to be too scared, though, it's entertaining and interesting, but not overly scary. But it's well-made and you'll probably like it. Give it a shot: it's even in YouTube in several parts.

YouTube Wednesday with Dethklok

You may notice (or not) YouTube Wednesday was out of its normal place these weeks. This is deliberate, as today is Jandeku's birthday: as such, here's for best wishes and a little private joke on my part with this week's clip.

Dethklok is a virtual band, not unlike Gorillaz, created by Brandon Small and drummer Gene Hoglan for the Adult Swim show Metlocalypse (which I advise everyone to see if you like to poke fun at metal band stereotypes), and they have written the ultimate birthday song as shown below. Happy Birthday, Jandeku, you're gonna die.

(Edit Mar 5: As was pointed out by Holkie on comments, it was Brandon Small and Tommy Blacha who created the band.)

Weekly Log - 23 through 01

Monday Feb 23

Monday is Murphy's way of saying "Goodnight Irene". My old girl (the PS2) is very slowly dying. I spent a good deal of time today trying to start a new game of Dark Cloud 2, to no avail. The DVD was so scratched it was impossible to bypass the first credits. It's a circular series of scratches, actually, and I think I know what's making it. The stripe which moves the laser reader back and forth sticks out and I fucks up the game. Plus, the old girl is no spring chicken, that laser is bound to have issues. I tried cleaning up the DVD, that missed. Crow.

Then I popped in Silent Hill: 0rigins: between the death run of the first instance of Dark Silent Hill and the last boss of the game, the game froze. Amongst a lot of cursing, I managed to clean it enough to bypass the problem. My afternoon was spent getting the Bad ending and the Alien ending. Hello Butcher Cleave, hello Tesla Rifle, hello getting a few more Accolades and completing this little sucker.

I thought this was it for Monday, but there's more. Going out to run some errands, there was no money in the two ATM closer to here. I tried to use the card at my corner Kwik-e-Mart, the fuckin' thing wouldn't go. Adding insult to injury, I forgot my house keys. For the first time, the ATM card proved useful: I used it to open the door.

Tuesday Feb 24

When Grandma woke up today, she was and looked fine. Around nine, her right side became paralyzed and she seized up. We dialed emergency and got her on an ambulance, my Mum went along. Tuesday started up nice huh? If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're trying to change the canon unlucky day to Tuesday because they know I'm onto them.

Around midday, Mum came back with some news. Apparently, Grandma had an accident with a blood clot, what you call a thrombus according to the dictionary definition. She takes medication to keep her blood flowing because she has a tendency for clots. It may be related to the pills we found hidden in the bed the other day: she stopped taking her medication, and bam...

Mum returned to the hospital later on, but that was about it: her right side is gonna remain paralyzed, she isn't speaking but that may change eventually, and her coordination's gone to the smithereens.

Wednesday Feb 25

Still nothing new on Grandma. Mum went to the hospital to see her, apparently they're running tests but... well. Dad called to tell me I should prepare for the worst. It's probably a bad time to discuss this, but what exactly does he mean by "the worst"? What would qualify as "the worst" to you, out of these two options: living a few more years half paralyzed and unable to talk, or what most people think of as "the worst"? The rest of your natural life without being able to nod for the song on the radio, get a glass of water for yourself when you're thirsty, watching daytime television, not being able to wipe your own ass? I'd rather not think about it...

Thursday Feb 26

Status quo, and not the band. Same shit different day. I spent most of my day looking over job ads to try and do something with my time. Data operator would be nice, secretary would be nice, counter clerk would be very nice... I'm considering street swiping. Really. It's an outdoors job, the hours are nice, the pay isn't lousier than a regular call center and you get this nice cart to sweep dog crap onto and hang stuff from. Plus you can smoke whenever you want, curse at will, have your headphones on during work hours and they give you a green hat to boot. Oh crow, Murphy, give me a fraggin' break: please, not call center operator. Anything but call center operator. I'm desperate for a job at this time, but please, not call center operator. My idea of Hell is eight hours sitting on a fucked-up chair, with headphones on, being forced to call every asshole in the national territory who own a phone and time to spare. If you don't know how it is, think of every seemingly retarded individual you know who owns a phone, and you'll probably get an idea. I can put up with difficult bosses and idiot co-workers. But when every single bitch or bastard you need to contact with on a regular day needs a flamin' lobotomy...

The only thing that's actually funny about call centers is tales of the help desk crew. The sort that get calls, instead of making them. Man that oughta be frustrating, more so than sales, but they have some of the best after-work beer tales I've ever heard.

Friday Feb 27

The Addams family is trying to decide what to do about Grandma. It's pretty obvious that if she needed supervision in the past, things will be even rougher from now on. Everyone seems pretty keen on getting her under professional healthcare, but they don't seem to be understanding how much that costs, and the fact most of us are flat broke. We were having budget issues taking care of her at home ourselves. Grandpa says he's broke, my Uncle is close... I don't know how we're gonna do this, frankly. I punched some numbers, according to the fees charged on the home where my Mum works. With extras (diapers, lotions, the works), Grandma's stay for a year costs over seven big ones. That's about 620 euros a month. Holy shit.

There was also a plan to put her in Auntie's house, but I don't think this is a very good idea either. Auntie has trouble taking care of herself sometimes, let alone be in charge of another person.

Weekend Feb 28 - Mar 01

Mnhe. Stale weekend. Mum did severe overtime: eight to eight, both days of this weekend. No news about Grandma yet, everything's the same.