Ten Weapons for Surviving Horrors

When you have a problem, especially a problem with horror, you want to be armed. There will be all sorts of ghouls and creatures crawling around wanting to kill you. Now I don't know about you, but I like to blow out the brains of any son of a crow who tries to kill me for whatever reason, and since there is no predefined way to do it, you can get awfully creative. This is a top ten of weapons I like to use when faced with horror -you can use it as a guideline to prepare your arsenal for Z-Day.

#10 - Yithian Energy Gun
As featured in Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth. The only problem is that in order to get it, you gotta find a way to transport yourself into the Yithian dimension / planet. If this doesn't pose a problem to you, it means you're ear-deep in Cthulhu-related problems and you'll probably be killing yourself at the end of this mess. Damn, if the polyps alone weren't enough to discourage you, I don't know what will! Other than that little problem, it's like having the shotgun version of a taser. It features two modes, shoot and charge, and it'll deep-fry fishmen with no need for grease or further seasoning. It gives off an electric discharge powerful enough to kill Hydra, which is one of the biggest mothers below sea level. And if you know how to combine that with fluids, you've got yourself a show stopper.

Monsters will also react negatively to taser-like weapons. If you recall your Silent Hill 3, you know the taser was a powerful, but slow weapon. The Yithian Energy Gun, however, eliminates the "slow" part. During Silent Hill: 0rigins, they added a simpler, less troublesome version of this called Tesla rifle. Also an electricity weapon, and not any heavier than a shotgun, it kills most enemies with two shots or less. It's not any less hard to get, although you can avoid messing with Cthulhu. And take my word for it, you don't want to be involved with Cthulhu or its minions in any way. To get the Tesla rifle, you need to get yourself abducted by aliens in a ghost town packed with monsters. When you're beamed back, they give you this nifty trinket as a souvenir.

Although it's probably the best thing to have in a crisis, the problems with getting it shoots it far off to number 10. If you're already messing with Cthulhu or have friends in outer space, it's probably worth a try.

#09 - Comfortable, yet Heavy Shoes
Alright, this might sound odd since we're talking weaponry, but allow me to explain. If you ever played a survival game, you know there's going to be a lot of running just as soon as things get hot and your path is teeming with zombies, monsters, freaks, aliens, ghosts, or even scarier: people. And although you can, technically, Solid Snake your way around them or just avoid a couple rooms, there will be times when running like the Northern wind will be your only option. When this happens, brother, believe me, you want to have a good pair of shoes on you. Games like Haunting Ground and a good deal Resident Evil instances depend on proper shoes. If you wanna get in shape, this is a great time, because you'll be burning sole for a while in these situations. Or namely, Silent Hill 2, in which you gotta go to greath lenghts (and I mean great: just the run from Brookside Hospital to the Historical Society is one Hell of a stretch) between levels.

If they're heavy shoes, (work boots, solid heels, you know...) you also have a powerful war asset. Enemy dropped? Crush its spine! Stomp its crotch! Make sure it's not coming back up! Door's blocked? Kick it in. And, again: it's coming towards you? Get the Hell outta dodge.

#08 - The Plastic Bag
If Manhunt taught you something it's that, under the right circumstances, anything can be a weapon. From the moment you can kill some poor schmo with a toilet tank lid, you can use pretty much everything. My favorite item? Plastic bags.

Regular plastic bags, the sort you get in the supermarket of your choice.

It is one of the best ways to get rid of people wanting to kill you. And takes next to no room in your bag. Your Mum probably warned you about this dozens of times, but fuck that. Instructions of use: open your plastic bag, sneak behind the sorry scum you wanna kill, place the bag over their head, pull, hold strongly and wait a few minutes. In the worst case, your foe will pass out and you can break its spine with a nicely placed kick (see #09).

Now, let me address something here. If you're gonna kill someone with a plastic bag, you wanna do it right. I know there's a sort of poetic justice in having someone choke on a big brand supermarket bag. Seeing them fade out with Wal-Mart stamped on their face, and pondering, while you hold the bag around their neck, on the way big brands have choked local traders out of their business and people out of their money. But for this particular purpose, get your bag from a retailer, small market, street market or local trader. Why? Because those are usually plain colored plastic bags, more resistant and less likely to stretch, break or rupture. You can tear away a supermarket bag easy peasy. But a local retailer bag is hard as crow. That's the one you want on getting rid of mercenaries trying to kill you. It sadly won't work for anything else but, it's worth to keep one or two handy.

#07 - The Katana
Very popular with everyone. But I'm not talking about that thing you bought in the corner chinese store and keep displayed in your room. I'm talking about a real katana, the sort that, much like those knives you don't want your girlfriend to buy under any circumstances, could cut through wooden logs like it was nothing.

Most of us would prefer to stay fairly clean when surviving... it's distressing, you're dusty, and dirty, and bloody... but forget about it with the katana. You'll be caked in foreign blood in no time. While visual effect is always nice (and bright red tends to bring out the artist in us all), it does tend to get a little bit uncomfortable once it's dry and smelling. The problem with a katana is, again, they're hard to find. Those you buy at the corner chinese store are intended for deco only I'm afraid. It is still easier to get a true katana than a Yithian Energy Gun, however, and the katana has proved useful not only for all manner of thing that bleeds, but also to make you look as cool as Winter in Finland. If you're a slasher by heart, you want one of these.

#06 - The Hunting Rifle
On the realm of heavy guns, this one takes the cake. Shotguns are very nice, but the shot spreads and it's not a very good idea to use it unless you've sawed off the barrels first. The common rifle is very good, but the hunting rifle packs a nicer punch. Come on, if this sort of thing can throw down a buffalo, zombies have no chance in Hell. It is also not very hard to get. Your regular fishing and hunting supply store oughta have some. Or you'll just have to contact that shady guy in your neighborhood whom the police have been looking for. Not the one with the nosebleed and bloodshot eyes, the less stoned one.

One you get the hang of the hunting rifle, headshots will become easy. Get yourself up on a tree branch or building roof, and you can blow nearly anything to smithereens. It is easier to maneuver and keep than a sniper gun, and much, much easier to find. You also want to have one of these when faced with either the monster boss or alien overlord. Those don't die easy, but the hunting rifle will do the trick.

#05 - The Bat
The quintessential blunt weapon. A good, solid baseball bat is a must-have in any home situated in a bad neighborhood and every given house in America. Sturdy, easy to swing, comes in the aluminum and wood varieties (I prefer the wood myself: the sound it makes when it hits something is nicer to the ear) and best of all: it is perfectly legal to own one nearly everywhere. It is also very easy to find, even in countries where, like here, baseball ain't big. Take a stroll down to a Toys 'R' Us and go to the sports section. Voilà. It even comes with a ball or two, which is nice, because if you're creative and have a lot of plastic explosive, you've got yourself a handgrenade.

The bat is useful for those people who like to stay fairly clean while surviving. Being a blunt weapon, it's bound not to make as much a slashing weapon. It is also reliable. Just take a while to watch Shaun of the Dead (and if you've never watched it, go do it. Now! It's a great zombie comedy!). Sportsware is always great for Z-Day: football helmets, hockey sticks, ski masks, golf clubs, these are all good. But the baseball bat is essential. Even on any given monster or alien, it's bound to work. If it has a head, it can be battered to death. For further instructions, Manhunt 2 also has great suggestions for using both baseball bats and police batons.

#04 - The Beretta
Small, easy to use, reliable, and bullets for it seem to be pretty much everywhere. Seriously. Make a quick run through Resident Evil or Silent Hill: both Racoon City and Silent Hill Town are in fuckin' Texas. There's ammo lying around everywhere.

According to data recovered from several years of survival horror by yours truly, zombies take something like three to five shots to die, monsters get four to six (unless they're a boss: in that case, see #06), really fucked-up monsters go five to ten (try killing a Missionary in Silent Hill 3 with a gun and you'll see what I mean), aliens can get up to twelve and you're still fucked if your problem is Cthulhu. A silencer is also a good idea, after all, the beretta's main problem is the noise it makes. If you see a hooded guy in hidden spots, he'll likely sell you all upgrades you need, as seen in Resident Evil 4. He also managed to be everywhere before you somehow, so I suppose he has a pretty nice bycicle.

The beretta is a problem to reload, so make sure you do before venturing outside, and get yourself to safety before you attempt to reload it. In large crowds of fiends, you want to be at safe distance before shooting. In the best interest of not wasting precious ammo, you also may want to get one before the shit hits the fan, and practice with some bottles before doing any actual massacre. Go for headshots. Almost everything dies if shot in the head.

#03 - The Butcher Cleave
No no no, I'm not talking about the one you unlock in Silent Hill: 0rigins by making the second ending. I'm talking about a common butcher's cleave. Why? Why the fuck not, that's what you should be asking!

Forget all they taught you about slasher weapons. Forget scalpels, kitchen knives, hunting knives, pocket blades and the like. You want a butcher cleave. Fairly decent reach, easy to handle, light, and does damage like you wouldn't believe. Remember these things are used to chop away whole animals. Some of them, if sharpened enough (keep a leather belt handy) can cut through bone in one or two. If you have a problem with, particularly, monsters, you want one of these in your arsenal. No matter how big it is, the cleave can do good damage.

If, again, you're a slasher by heart and can't afford to get a katana, nearly every kitchen has a cleave. And if not, it won't be hard to find a butcher shop that does, even if you have to go through some window-breaking and lockpicking. Plenty of stores will have them too, and if you can get dual cleaves, you're a full plate and a smiley button on your jacket away from being a lean, mean killing machine.

#02 - The Lead Pipe / The Crowbar
When the going gets tough, the tough pick up a 2 or 3 foot long metal object and go to town. It's everything that was great about the baseball bat, only less likely to break and with better reach. Mandatory in all Silent Hill games (it wouldn't really be Silent Hill without it) and common to a lot of improvised weaponry games. Even Clue has a lead pipe. If these aren't proof enough you want one, Fallout 3 should be. Even in the realms devastated by post-apocalyptic shit, they use lead pipes. Just admit it: this common household construction material is the shit.

Getting one? Easy peasy. Go to any given construction site. If you have a basement or cellar, there's probably a few spare (or not) there. As a last resort, find a way to hack at your bathroom wall, you'll find a few. After all, who gives a flying crow if there's a hole over your toilet and you can't flush, this is an emergency! There are horrible things in your backyard!

The crowbar might be slightly more useful than the pipe, actually. After all, not only can you lay the smack down on whatever foes you find along the way, you can also force open doors, chests of goodies and other resourceful, yet locked, places. If your problem is Cthulhu (and yet again, if it is, you're fucked), fishmen seem to die quickly with a few slams of a crowbar as well. Hey, an FPS as cool as Half-Life can't be wrong...

#01 - Camera
You gotta take a cam along. It's mandatory. Whatever's happening, you must have a camera with you. I don't care if it's Z-Day, aliens invading, monsters, Cthulhu (you poor bastard...), the recession, whatever the fuck it is you're fighting -you must have a camera. Let me go through it again: you must have a camera. Why? Here's why.

First and foremost, a camera will be your only protection against a particular brand of foe: ghosts. If you can find a Camera Obscura (there are three in the world so... good luck with that), even better. If not, your regular everyday camera will also be put to good use when sending problems away, even if just for a while. Digital or old school, make sure it has a flash. It will be useful to temporarily blind a good deal of enemies. And, as proved by Silent Hill 3, it can be of even greater use when fetching codes written in blood on a wall you can't see or reach. And should your trusty flashlight fail you, you won't die stupidly by falling down some stairs, as long as you have flash.

There is a final reason why you want a camera with you when surviving time comes. Whatever's attacking you, if you don't photograph it, nobody will ever believe your tales.