My Complaints about 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'

Alright folks. I went to the theatre a couple of hours ago to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine... and I swear to crow I tried to be as open-minded and impartial as possible when judging it, because I've been in the business for a while now and I know this sort of adaptation is never done right. I tried to put aside my usual flaming. I tried to forget this was made by a director with no relevant previous experience, and written by two bozos: one responsible for Troy (2004) and the other for Swordfish (2001), movies respectively with too many characters for its length and a stupid ending twist. And I actually liked Swordfish, I just thought the ending was bullshit and anyone who hires John Travolta for anything at this point has taken one too many snorts of cocaine. I tried to forget that I have followed in the canuck's footsteps since I was six and know him almost as well as I do myself. Seriously. I tried.

But, as usual... there are things I just cannot forgive. Because they aren't logical, or because they mean character destruction. While I wasn't thinking of doing an organized review to the movie without seeing it at least once more, I did write a list of complaints while waiting for my bus back home. As such, here they are: be warned, they have a SPOILER laced skeleton. Here they are, the picky ones and the justified ones, in no particular order:

• Victor Creed (Sabretooth) is not Wolverine's brother. Marvel once made us believe they were father and son, respectively, but that's bullshit too. According to the versions made canon, they are half-nephew and half-uncle. Wolverine was a half-brother to Sabretooth's would-be father, Dog, as seen on Origin.
• Wolverine and Sabretooth were in the Spanish Civil War together and later on a special team along David North (Maverick) and John Wraith (codename Wraith, not Spectre). That's from where they know each other. There is no indication they'd ever met before that period.
  
• Wade Wilson was not part of the original team in which Wolverine and Sabretooth were featured. He was a regular joe dying of skin cancer in a medical research centre paralel to the Weapon X Project, where a fake healing factor was introduced to attempt to save him. He is not a mutant and after the healing factor was implanted on him, he became a mercenary rather than a soldier.
• Chris Bradley, a.k.a. Bolt, was also never in the aforementioned team. He was an X-Men for a brief period and is much younger than any of the people in that team. His powers include absorbing and channeling energy. He does not make electricity out of the blue. He did know Maverick and idolized him, but that was about it.
  
• The guy known as agent Zero is in fact Maverick. He is not Korean. Few have ever seen his face.
  
• The girl known as Kayla is a Blackfoot Indian called Silver Fox. In a fake memory implanted by the Weapon X Project, she and Wolverine had a relationship until she was murdered by Sabretooth. She never died, however, and later became leader of the Hydra. Her sister is not Emma Frost.
• Wolverine could tell a fake dead from a real dead easily through scent. He can tell a killing injury from a faked one, we've seen him do that. He would not buy near-dead Kayla: let's not forget heightened senses when it's convenient. Even if I want to believe he bought it due to stress and lack of experience, I can't: he's been in several wars, he knows the dead from the living!
  
• I have never seen accounts that Wolverine was in the war between North and South states. He was in both World Wars, the Spanish Civil War, (some say Cold War as well) Vietnam and several galactic conflicts. It feels like they tried to cram as many wars under his belt as possible. If someone, however, can point me in the direction of canon participation in this one so I can alter my resume, I'd be very thankful.
  
• Wolverine cannot in any way have a fear of flying. He belonged to a Canadian parachute division in WWII.
  
• Fred Dukes (Blob) never worked with Wolverine. He is a member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Mystique's and Magneto's troup of goons.
  
• At the time of the Weapon X Project, if Scott Summers was already alive, he was wearing diapers. Emma Frost cannot in any way be much older than him. And before she joined the X-Men, she was the White Queen of the Hellfire Club.
  
• The only thing that can cut a diamond is another diamond. Adamantium cannot be cut by adamantium, or Wolverine would be able to chop off his own claws at will. There is no way that bullet could even make a dent on Wolverine's skull - and check it out, precisely in the same place where Wolverine got shot in the first X-Men movie so the bullet could hit him! What are the odds?! That was the most half-assed way I could picture Wolverine losing his memory.
• Three Mile Isle that ain't. If something, it's Genosha. It's off the coast of Africa and not in the middle of America.
  
• What the fuck happens in this movie? Anyone freely walks in and out of everywhere, no guards, no problems... Wolverine walks inside the operation room where they are finishing up would-be Deadpool, and back out, nobody stops him? He walks right out the door after the adamantium is placed on his skeleton, nobody stops him either? Don't tell me the budget wasn't enough to hire a few fake soldiers or guards that could be photoshopped into hundreds... because canonly, when Wolverine left the Weapon X facility, he left a massacre behind...
• They also seem to have gotten lazy with the claw props. Because while in the first X-Men the claws looked real, in this they look like CGI. As do, in fact, half the shit we see. In X-Men, things were believable. Now check out the bathroom scene and tell me those look even belivably real to you.
  
• Wolverine has gone through a total of 2 canon memory repressions, that I know of (considering the Logan miniseries, three). One happened when he was about ten and he did it on his own to forget the death of his father and general bloodbath in the Howlett estate, as featured in Origin, after which he went by the name of Logan. This is not pictured in the movie. The second was arranged by the Weapon X Project. So I can see the second (a half-assed adaptation) but... where's the first?
• Logan only got the codename Wolverine after joining Department H and the Alpha Flight. It was also there he got his original costume. Before that, he was known as Weapon X.
  
• Anyone who takes the mouth out of Deadpool kills the character, and deserves to be shot with nerf down the throat until suffocation occurs.
  
• Deadpool brings his own katana swords from home. He doesn't pull them out of his arms a la Wolverine.
• Deadpool does not have murderous energy blasts from his eyes. In fact, even if he did, once he was dead, they would go off: your body shuts down seconds after the head is severed. One of the most stupid ways to destroy a green screen set I have ever seen.
  
• Deadpool does not teleport like John Wraith. The only powers Deadpool has is a very fast healing factor (implanted, not natural) and the ability to change his mind every 6 seconds (consequence of way too fast cell renewal). In the movie, he is called Deadpool because other mutant powers were "pooled" up on him. In the canon version, he is called Deadpool because he was the top man in the "cesspool": he made it out of deadly skin cancer to become the most annoying merc in existence. Could nobody come up with a better "final boss" for the movie? May I suggest Ferro? Scylla? Stryker? Or maybe stop trying to cram so much useless information, characters and storylines in one movie and get to what we came here to see? Fuck these screenwriters.
  
• Even if I want to place this movie with the X-Men trilogy as a separate setting from the Marvel universe, I cannot. Wolverine saved what would become the first members of the Charles Xavier School from the facility. So... did nobody mention they were released by a hairy, clawed mutant? None of those kids was in school to recognize him later on? If Xavier picked up Scott Summers inside, he didn't pick up or know of Wolverine's presence? How can he be a complete mystery on the first X-Men?