Ten Cartoons Nobody Remembers

Nowadays, a lot of people still recall Thundercats. And with the recent movie adaptation, a lot of now adults rediscovered their preteen love for the Tranformers. And of course, you had to be living under a rock back in the day not to know the Turtles. A lot of cartoons from our childhood, or even much older than us, became legendary, and are a reference to this day. If you don't believe it, try asking anyone about Looney Toons. Or those you can't help but bump once in a while because they keep showing up in collectible DVDs, like Heidi. But there are some obscure cartoons, especially during the 80's, hardly anyone heard about. Some were aired on TV, some you only saw for rent... but the fact is, you know it, and nobody else did. So here's a rundown of cartoons from my childhood hardly anyone remembers.

#10 - Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling
Well... if you moved in the same time, space and channels as I did, you had to bump into this at some point. I was surprised hardly anybody else I spoke to recalled this stuff. The formula was simple: WWF (back then that was the name) aired at ten in the morning weeks with a double feature on weekends, and Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling was on during the weeks, after school, right before Sailor Moon. The premise was simple: wrestlers getting into all manners of cartoony shenanigans, with a "good guy" side and a "bad guy" side, and skits where the real wrestlers showed up to entertain the kids and get a whole generation of us to follow the sport-slash-soap opera later on. Some of the wrestlers were so obscure, nobody knew them from anywhere but the cartoon. We all know who Hulk Hogan is, we all heard of Rowdy Roddy Piper (who by the way got a big boost to popularity due to the cartoon. After it was aired, a hardly recognized guy in a kilt had become a major WWF superstar), we all know more or less who André the Giant was. But who in crow ever heard of Hillbilly Jim or Mr. Fuji outside the cartoon?

This was created in 1985, and I came to watch it sometime during the 90's. Pretty good for a cartoon about wrestlers, huh? And I'll give it something: it had the catchiest intro I've seen in a long time.

Why wasn't it so popular? If you were a kid and liked wrestling, you likely saw it. If you were a kid and didn't like wrestling, you'd probably not like it. Either way, the cartoon fulfilled its goal: twenty years later, a whole generation of us follows Smackdown, Raw, ECW and others.

#9 - Rainbow Brite
Oh boy, Rainbow Brite. A cartoon for girls too young to find Jem amusing, and who were sick and tired of My Little Pony. Born a year before me, 1984, it was... weird. All I recall from Rainbow Brite is bits of an hour-long motion picture of sorts, I may have seen an episode of it or another, since the gross of it wasn't aired, and instead existed for rent. The motion picture did air a year or two, as a Sunday all-family movie, and that's when my Mum recorded it for me because I was a sucker for cartoons. Rainbow Brite was to colors and poor grammar what Strawberry Shortcake was to desserts.

Basically, it tells the story of a magic land a la Narnia, which is where all the colors of the world come from, and the people in charge of putting them there: the Color Kids, and Rainbow Brite herself. The rest is catering to young girls: there's a horse (with a huge ego, might I add: Starlite calls himself "the most magnificient horse in the Universe". Oh did I mention the bastard talks too?), some fluffy little buggers called sprites, all manners of cutesy stuff, every character has a huge head for its tiny body (and even bigger 'dos) and there's enough rainbows and stars on the show to provide the Gay Pride parade with decorations for years to come. If you still don't think this was made with girls in mind, check out those kids. There's one for each color of the rainbow, which makes sense, plus pink. PLUS pink. And there are only two boys. I guess Rainbow Brite is the reason why I couldn't stand girly stuff for most of my childhood: I OD'd on it after 15 minutes of this.

While not very many people remember her, likely because nobody over eight or nine watched this and I'm pushing it, Rainbow Brite seems to be insanely popular as a toy. In 2004, Rainbow Brite dolls and accessories were still being produced, sold and making a lot of kablinki. But there may be an ulterior reason for that. Get ready for this punchline: guess which company introduced and made publicity for Rainbow Brite. Here's a hint: if you ever got a Christmas card, they likely printed it. Yep. Hallmark.

#8 - Beetlejuice
You may not remember the cartoon, but maybe the movie rings a bell. 1988, a horror of nature spawned forth by Tim Burton (who else...?), Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis were the most sickeningly perfect dead couple you'll see, Michael Keaton liked striped suits and Winona Ryder was a goth? Yeah. While I don't know how popular exactly the movie was back then, the cartoon was made a year after its release. Since it was distributed by Warner Bros., you'd think it'd be a little more popular. And since it was actually aired in Portugal, I was expecting more people to remember it. I was a sucker for it myself.

The main story of the movie is maintained, although downgraded for kids. Instead of a horny, treacherous bastard, Beetlejuice is a prankster and the Netherworld's pet con artist. And Lydia is not so much a goth, as an upbeat, smiley and popular girl who happens to like goth stuff. The humor, however, was a lot better than the movie's. I've checked an episode recently and it actually can be enjoyed on an adult level (that, or I really need to get out more). If you like groan-worthy puns (Beetlejuice says he's tired, and turns into a tire) and dumb references (like a tapdancing spider named Ginger being a reference for Ginger Rogers), you got yourself a show.

#7 - Spiderman and His Amazing Friends
Yeah, I know. Sounds so bad, doesn't it? It's like one of those Friday night shows. You imagine Spidey sitting on a couch, sipping coffee with special guests Hulk (fitness advice: how gamma can work for you) and the Invisible Woman (who promises to bare it all), while keeping the Green Goblin on line 2. On the comedy skit, Deadpool. Musical guest: Kaiser Chiefs. Brr.

This was probably the only Spiderman series nobody gave a damn about, and after I tell you how it went, you'll understand why. Apparently, producers decided Spiderman alone couldn't attract much of a crowd, so they grouped him with two co-heroes: Iceman (whom you may remember as a member of X-Men), and a girl called Firestar who bears a striking resemblance to Mary Jane (on doing some research, I discovered she was originally a Emma Frost goon, having made a debut in Uncanny X-Men and later becoming a member of the New Warriors and the Avengers. Don't Marvel heroes sometimes remind you of soccer players? Talk about jumping around between teams). And get this: other than Spidey's usual foes, they also placed Dr. Doom in the mix (scratch the thing about soccer players up there, they look like TV stars more: changing shows and working on two channels at the same time). As if this wasn't enough, other heroes also made cameos in the show: Captain America, Iron Man, the X-Men themselves in their 70's formation, the Hulk, Thor... well it does look like a Friday night show now, doesn't it?

The story behind all this cooky mess is that Spidey (mild-mannered teen Peter Parker) teamed up with the other two at some occasion to defeat a supervillain. Since it worked out okay, they decided to remain a team, called (wait for it...) Spider-Friends (*groan*), up to a point where they all lived in Aunt May's house, which for the purpose of superhero HQ became a Batcave of sorts: you pulled a hidden trigger and computers came out of the walls.

Made in 1981, the series ran for three seasons in the States. We in Europe only got to it via video, dubbed in Brazilian Portuguese for added horror. The series was eventually turned into a comic (usually, it's the other way around) which wasn't so popular and suffered several event changes in order to more or less fit into the Marvel Universe timeline (this happened in the 80's, when Marvel still gave a rat's patoot about putting up a logical timeline. Sometime during the posterior decade, someone at their offices just said "fuck it", and this is how we have the messed up timeline comic book geeks like me are familiar with). Eventually, Stan Lee and the rest of the Marvel people realized Spidey was better left to his devices on his own, and this melting pot was canceled and forgotten.

#6 -Skeleton Warriors
Apart from myself and two other blokes, I don't know anyone who watched this. And one of the aforementioned blokes only got into it, because I told him to turn on his TV at the right time. Skeleton Warriors was riding the back of the train left by most 80's cartoons, looking for the perfect fusion of tech, magic and flippin' bad voice acting. It tells the story of a planet called Lumimaire, where something called Lightstar Crystal exists. This crystal is a major source of energy, powering an entire city on its own (the idea of fuel granting power is a recurring theme in 80's media. Just look at Mad Max), so whoever has it owns the place. Some asshole called Baron Dark attempts to steal it, fooling one of the royal princes, Joshua, into helping him out of envy for his older brother Justin. The shit hits the fan and the crystal breaks in two: one half stays with the royal family, the other is lodged in Baron Dark's chest, turning him into a living skeleton, and giving him the power to do the same to whomever he thinks he needs for a servant. Prince Joshua, meanwhile, becomes a zombie-looking undead yet sentient thing in what creators probably figured would be a half-human half-living-skeleton. After all this happens, the royal family becomes a team of defenders of the people called Legion of Light, and the two sides battle each other for the respective half of the crystal: Justin, Joshua and Jennifer (oh boy, initials...), along with uncle Ursak, try to maintain their city on half the power and kick the Baron's bony ass.

Like many cartoons of the era, merchandise was the main appeal of Skeleton Warriors. Action figures, vehicles and videogames on PlayStation and Saturn (the latter one, I happen to know, sucks on toes). This is probably the only obscure cartoon I can recall which was made in the early 90's, rather than the 80's, but it could've fooled you: typical late-80's animation, storyline and themes, bad voice acting, occasional CPU and the intro was a rock. If you had a narrator telling you the story mid-intro, it'd be perfect.

The reason why this wasn't so big is... well, a little obvious. While they had a rather nice set of characters and a group of the most laughable villains since Skeletor and his bunch, this was the 90's. Japanimation invaded, the first series was 13 episodes long and aired on channels which usually didn't have cartoons (in Portugal, channel 2), kids at this point would rather fire up the console than sit down and watch 'toons... it was out of its time. Perhaps five years earlier, it'd have made it better.

#5 - Ghostbusters
I know what you're thinking. Ghostbusters, not big? One of the greatest franchises of the 80's, and it wasn't big? Everybody can whistle the theme, a neverending toyline, two movies and it wasn't big, get outta here! But wait. You are thinking of The Real Ghostbusters. I want you to think of Filmation's Ghostbusters. See the difference?

Created in 1986, Ghostbusters was actually a cartoon adaptation of a kids' TV show of the same name that ran during the 70's, also by Filmation. It tells the story of Jake Kong and Eddie Spencer (in the cartoon, their children) who are... ghostbusters. They hunt down ghosts and all forms of paranormal manifestations (including vampires, demons, werewolves, monsters and so on and so forth), but instead of Wicca-looking, semi-goth mediums and parapsychologists, which is how most real-life ghostbusters are, they do it Indiana Jones style, and look respectively like a yuppie and a nerd. They also have a gorilla called Tracy (you'd think Jake Kong would be the gorilla, no?) whose point in the show surpasses me since the whole thing is comic relief and not meant to be serious. But since this comes in the tradition of Scooby Doo, I assumed they'd need a pet. Fortunately, Tracy doesn't talk, but he does drive their car. Along with a series of haunted appliances and a talking, haunted car, sometimes summoning a girl from the future and a TV reporter from the present, these Ghostbusters fight a major "bad guy" called Prime Evil, a pain in the butt evil phantom robot wizard thing who lives in the Fifth Dimension (where ghosts and all manners of non-living creatures come from, supposedly). On a typical episode, Prime Evil sends one of his henchmen to mess around, and the Ghostbusters go for the rescue.

Now, how can there exist two different series with the same concept and name, and even a similar catchphrase (you probably remember "Who you're gonna call? Ghostbusters!", these guys prefered "Let's go, Ghostbusters!") and even similar logos? Well, actually it was Columbia Pictures who messed up when they released the first Ghostbuster movie in '84 unaware a 70's kids show had the same name. Filmation sued a year after the movie debuted. The issue was solved out of courts: Columbia changed the name to The Real Ghostbusters. When the movie gave origin to a cartoon series in the same year, Filmation tried to chip in and help, but Columbia gave them the old salute and worked with DiC instead. Not wanting to fall back, Filmation moved on to make a cartoon based on their old live-action show, to be aired in '86.

So how come Columbia hit it big, and Filmation's Ghostbusters was doomed to be forgotten? Well, look at both. Columbia made a show which had a bit more structure: three guys who actually went to college to study psychology and the paranormal plus one with street savvy versus two amateurs whose devices were built by a gorilla. Bona fide ghosts versus an evil undead Mob. Ghosts with a background (The Real Ghostbusters borrowed heavily from fairytale, literature and mythology) versus ripoffs from 70's pop media. Equipment that actually made sense versus gadgets that went on unexplained. Peter Venkman in all his glory versus... a yuppie. 140 episodes of 80's goodness versus 65 episodes of seventies-stuck puns. Filmation never stood a chance. And as a final punchline, there was a market for a "sequel" to The Real Ghostbusters (called Extreme Ghostbusters, it was created in '97, and it couldn't hold a candle to its predecessor), while Filmation managed to make a poor-selling DVD edition of their series in 2007.

#4 - Dungeons and Dragons
The pen and paper RPG I came to fall in love with, called Dungeons & Dragons, was created in 1974. In 1983, a cartoon series based off the game was created, one that would stir controversy in the States but go nearly unnoticed for the rest of the world (except maybe for Spain).

The premise goes likeso: a group of teens decides to go on a rollercoaster ride named Dungeons and Dragons, and in a freak accident-slash-daydream-slash-dimension jump, they end up in a world based off the game. While their main goal is to return home, in order to achieve it, they'll need to roleplay the shit out of this world and kill a final boss to get out. A strange entity (looks kinda like a gnome) who calls himself Dungeon Master is their guide and mentor in the quest, also supplying them with a series of magical items and weapons (you know I wouldn't mind this shit happening to me at all? I knew I watched the 'toon for a reason). Also, guess who is one of the major villains in this. Check out the intro. It's Tiamat her/itself. Sweet tapdancing crow.

There was a lot of stir about this when it first came out, over two issues. One was the thief. When the cartoon came to Europe, a lot of people seemingly had problems that there was a thief in the party. While it was a sort of bad call from the producers to name her a "thief" instead of a "rogue", try to explain small kids exactly what a "rogue" is, and you'll probably understand why the call was made. After all, this is the States, and "ranger" is a military rank, they'd get there. But "rogue"? Well, most countries got over it by dubbing the cartoon and calling her either "mage" or "illusionist", particularly in Spain. You know mommies sometimes have this problem that kids will copy exactly everything they see on TV, which is also why in the American version of Rurouni Kenshin, character Sanosuke doesn't smoke, but keeps a toothpick in his mouth.

The other controversy was that, for some, this was insanely violent. In 1985, it was deemed "the most violent show on TV" in the States. The last episode of the series was never aired, because that was when the party actually killed the bad guy (KILL being the concept word here) and managed to return home. What a pain in the ass, huh? And you wanna hear the punchline? That's the final scene of the final episode, and from the spellcasting on, it was done almost entirely by a japanese studio, while for the most of the series, the animation was 100% American. Guess all the ruckus with anime violence started early on.

Probably this controversy was one of the main reasons why the show wasn't popular outside the States. On the other hand, let us not forget this is a show based off and entirely done like D&D. The pen and paper RPG, unfortunately, wasn't so big out of the States back then (or now), so you couldn't expect much better from its namesake show...

#3 - Visionaries
I was crazy about this show when I was a kid. The whole title was Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light, and it was created based off a toyline by Hasbro, when it's usually the other way around. The complete show was, like many of these obscurities, only 13 episodes long, and although there was also a short-lived comic book, the whole franchise never really got off the ground. The whole thing was only known during 1987.

The story was a recurrent theme in the 80's and another attempt at putting magic and sci-fi in the same pot. In a planet called Prysmos, the sources of energy were used up til their limit, which forced the inhabitants to go back to a Dark Ages-like way of life. Amidst this, a sorcerer calls to the people, claiming he can give them magic if they prove worthy of it. Two groups respond to the challenge, and gain several magic powers, with which not only can they transform into animals, consult higher knowledge, destroy and protect, but also with which they can power up mechanical vehicles. Like in most cartoons, you have the good guy side, which tries to make the best of their situation, and the bad guy side which seeks exclusiveness over the power sources (in this case, the magic). A lot of shows with this particular theme were made in the 80's, thinking about it, and probably weren't so big on accounts that, given nowadays' fuel situation, they were sorta depressing.

Again, a nice set of characters, a fairly good storyline, a catchy intro and some of the worst voice acting you'll ever listen to. What failed? Well, other than the recurring theme, which didn't really stick, Visionaires was probably intended not to succeed as a cartoon or comic book. Since the toyline came first, this leads me to believe that the purpose of the cartoon was to sell the toys. And on that, it was rather successful: the toyline is sold to the present day, some of the items as rare. It's a pity though... I really liked this show.

#2 - Bravestarr
Also from Filmation, Bravestarr was a poor attempt at getting kids into cowboys again. It's basically Wild West (or Weird West) set in a future time. And, of course, there is this incredible sheriff who kicks the ass of whoever wants to mess up in his one horse (his horse was great, by the way. And had a rifle called Sarah Jane.) planet, New Texas. Then of course there are some bad guys, the Carrion Bunch, who want to take New Texas and all its mineral goodies. Very usual premise, very simple stuff. Did I mention the horse was great?

I recently saw a few episodes of this, and frankly, I can see little reason why it didn't stick. It is He-Man-ish (and actually came on the success tail of He-Man, which Filmation had released a couple years prior to this), had some good jokes, a fairly decent comic relief and a story that would normally stick. Like many at the time, the usual episode was the Carrion Bunch or other outlaws of New Texas trying to get the precious ore, and Marshall Bravestarr coming in for the save. Like with He-Man, Filmation also made a movie out of it (Bravestarr: the Movie or Bravestarr: the Legend if you live in Europe), which is even more obscure than the cartoon itself. I guess it was the whole cowboy theme that didn't make it. It's a real shame, because... the horse was great.

#1 - Blackstar
Quite possibly the undisputed king of obscure cartoons. From the same good people who gave us Bravestarr (someone at Filmation really favored Native Americans huh?), Blackstar showed up in the merry year of 1981, and it was about an astronaut called John Blackstar who got sucked into a black hole and ended up in a Universe where magic and sorcery are still the shit (still?). Here, he vows to free the people of the planet he ends up in (which, by the way, are seven pink dwarves called Trobbits) from an evil Overlord, with the help of two weird-as-crow sidekicks and one half of a magic sword. Needless to state, like with Skeleton Warriors, said Overlord has the other half.

1981. Back in the day, when you were watching cartoon intros, a narrator told you the story behind the cartoon, even going as far as introducing a few characters. That way, nobody would lose more than half an episode for introductions: this is the story, here's what happened, moving on to the action. Action which, by the way, wasn't so great back then. Animation had a long way to go and the Japanese hadn't invaded the scene yet. If you watched Heavy Metal (the first and good one. Also, pardon the bad Spanish dub), it's more or less the same style, and Heavy Metal was top notch for its time. Still, better voice acting than Thundercats. The dialog was full of witticism, especially from Blackstar. Along with saving the seven pink dwarves from the Overlord, he wanted to teach them sarcasm and wordplay as well.

Why didn't this catch on? How come so many people remember He-Man but not this? Well, Filmation made a few bad calls with it. First and foremost, the style was funny. Okay, this is aliens we're talking about, but some of them are... weird. Needlessly weird. Case in point: pink dwarves. And one of them, not pictured, resembles Dumbo, and actually flies with those long-ass ears. The one in the middle was a Harpo Marx ripoff: mute, but did quite a bit of whistling. And the rest were kinda borrowed from Walt Disney. They had seven comic relief characters versus one, maybe two, in He-Man. The show couldn't possibly be taken very seriously, it's pink dwarves we're looking at! Then, Blackstar looks... more or less normal. And not half as queer as He-Man, even in that outfit (which really isn't a stretch). But now look at one of his sidekicks, Mara. There's something odd about her. Something you can't put a finger on (haha!). Her head is shaped funny, or that helmet really doesn't suit her. Teela from He-Man had a bad effin' hairdo, but she looked fairly human. Blackstar also suffered poor advertising, and since it was released on the tail of He-Man, it got kinda overshadowed. If you've seen it, you likely rented it on tape from the club, or your parents had it recorded for some reason. Because other than the States, I haven't found a single country where it was aired.

You know whom I liked in this? Warlock, Blackstar's mount. He was sweet.