Weekly Log - 05 through 11

Monday Oct 05

Today is a national holiday (Proclamation of the Republic), which means absolutely jack to me other than I don't have to go to work. It rained all day (finally!) and I got some shit done around the computer. Namely, clean up and organize files. Now to do the same to the rest of the bedroom...

A long weekend is always nice - it's a pity it isn't happening at the end of the week, instead of the beginning. All opinions say the party will be epic.

Tuesday Oct 06

In four days, I'm 24. I've been on the surface of this place for 24 years. I don't know if I should celebrate or barf.

They swapped me to the middle of the center, at work. I lost my place at the window, which is a really bad bitch. I'm not overly big on sunshine, but it was nice to have something else to look at other than the four walls of a cubicle. The view wasn't great, but the architecture is nice in this place. I finished Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow as well... it's a nice game, one of those that makes me thing about really getting a handheld.

Wednesday Oct 07

It rained all night - I love it, but I'm now worried we'll have rain for the mega birthday party. Still, it was nothing short of awesome, to lie down and listen to the rain fall. I missed it terribly. It's been years since I've seen genuine, 100% lousy fuckin' weather: rain falling, thunder roaring, lightning crashing... Lightning crashes, a new mother cries... Fall rules.

Thursday Oct 08

The human memory is something truly remarkable. Try as I might, and I did today, I cannot remember where I was ten years ago. There are a lot of things I can't remember, I realize, and which I am positive happened. I know I visited several places with my parents... the big greenhouse in Lisboa, the Aquarium, a dog show... and yet I hold absolutely no memories of such. Just like I can hardly remember my father taking any meals with me and my Mum. I remember him getting home, but not having meals. And I am positive that at some point, he must have taken a meal with us...

I was at Disneyland... and I remember my Mum being pissed for the whole trip, and being divided between wanting to have fun and not leaving her alone. I can't remember how I felt throughout my parents' divorce, although I recall most of it very clearly, and I reach the conclusion that I can't remember what I felt because I felt absolutely nothing. I can remember riding the bus to and from school with Iron Maiden on my walkman. I can recall every bedroom I ever slept in, but not what went on in the rest of the house. I can remember when my parents lived in different floors of the same house, and I would climb up and downstairs to try and be with both. I can recall being alone, and not wanting to go to that pit of horror and lies and despair I called a school. And having in mind how things turned out for me, my stay at that place becomes even darker in my memory. Teacher that inspired me... stories I heard... teenage moments of glory... some co-eds, some friends that disappeared (thank crow)... some more worthy to remember than others. I wonder where they're now... I hear a few of the girls have babies now, some are married... some have great jobs and most are engrossing the long lines of unemployment.

I can recall my first kiss. I wish I couldn't, because I know well how that shit turned out. Yes, that part should be blocked from my memory, but I know it won't. I can recall most of my disappointments, the lessons Life taught me over and over... and the bullshit. Oh brother, can I recall the bullshit. It comes to my memory like kitty litter to my nostrils on a hot day. I remember hatred, and rage, and frustration... I know frustration pretty well. Despair. Depression. Not those many tears.

It's been almost ten years since I gave my life a good cry.

Friday Oct 09

Happy birthday Madeen!

I woke up with half an hour for the bus and two problems: my father and my mother. Mum was bitching Pops wouldn't give her any money, and Pops called me to try and agree a lunch date. We ended up settling for dinner on Monday. My bus driver was apparently high since he spent half the trip sucking on his teeth and then stopped in the middle of traffic to pick up a wrench forgotten by the side of the road. Work was slow, few sales, not looking so good. By the time I picked up Jandeku at the train station, I was about to murder someone with my own hands.

Madeen and I agreed we wouldn't get upset until the 11th... good luck with that bub. Because even when I try to lock all the bullshit in the closet, it can somehow pick locks!

Weekend Oct 10 - 11

What a party... sangria, good music, a delicious cake, a great bar, drunken talk and football at the park where I used to play when I was a kid. Forget about forsaking everything until the 11th: I quit midway. All the things nibbling at my brain won't let go of me just like that... I must have ulcers the size of crow only knows what.

Still no news about my situation: do I keep the house, am I out on the street... and if I must get a new one, will I rent or buy... can I keep this job for long enough, will a better offer turn up... the waiting is killing me. I want to rip all this apart like a band-aid, quick and easy, and I cannot. I have to wait. The waiting can kill you, boy can it kill you.