Ten Romantic Comedy Plots That Suck

"If a movie can be described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball." ~ George Carlin

#10 - They were fine until the third leading actor arrived.
You all heard the saying, "Three's a crowd." Apparently this one follows the premise. You have a man and a woman who are madly in love, want to get together, marry and screw around, but there's someone in the middle who won't let them. It can be the mother-in-law, a stupid friend, the neighbor, someone who wants one of the ends of the couple bad, you name it, it's been done.

You know what bothers me about these? Why can't they just say "Fuck off"? Anywhere you are, whoever you are, if you found your significant other (your one true significant other, because love is never fake or a mistake in romantic comedies) would you let someone walk in and keep you when you're about to get some unless they're bleeding to death? If you found your true significant other, would you let someone, anyone, stop you from getting together with them, get married or even date? No! You'd say "Fuck off" and toss them out the window if they didn't comply soon enough!

But no. Because if that was so, the movie would end in half an hour. They'd introduce the lead cast, move them into a set with a window, have the first or second interruption happen, the meddling subject being tossed out, carried to the morgue, a happy wedding, the end. Instead, they grant you 90 to 120 minutes of rather unfunny problems, frustrating situations, dialog between actors on the subject that they just can't tell the idiot to fuck off for whatever reason and everyone finally and painfully reaching an understanding for a happy ending. The idiot ceases being an idiot and everything goes well. It is a complete flatline of a movie. It's 90 to 120 minutes of your life you can never get back and if you're renting or watching on the theater, 3 to 5 euros you can't get a refund on. Avoid them like the plague.

#09 - She is full of shit. He has a lot of patience.
This genre was founded and shaped by Sex and the City. Let me give you any episode of Sex and the City: four women hop around any available beds while the one telling you the story drives an audience and a man nuts by saying 'yes' to a relationship with him at the beginning of the episode and 'no' at the end, or vice-versa.

See #10 here. Guys... guys. Suppose a girl carries you on her palm for days, weeks and years. Unless you enjoy suffering, you will eventually let it sink, and tell her to go to Hell. The sad thing is that there are women who watch these movies and copy them into real life: they carry guys around for eons saying it will happen, and when they're about to take a bite off the cookie, the ladies pull it away and take everything back. I know people to whom this was done once, twice, three times, and they still chase after. For them I have three words to tell their women: "go", "to" and "Hell". But there is more. These movies are filled with bitches who should shut their piehole, and instead keep telling their indecisive friend one of two things: either that this isn't a good idea, or that they're fools to deny it. Usually you have at least one of each per movie, to add to the confusion.

And just try to understand that script like a sensible, intelligent person. The first time she says it's not possible because he's always busy. Then she goes back. Then she says it can't happen because she hasn't gone over her last boyfriend. She goes back again. Then she says it's not meant to be because she's confused, not sure this is what she wants. She goes back once more. By this time she runs out of excuses and just says it's over because it is. And of course, she will go back before the end of the bloody movie. Suppose you go watch this... it's like the movie is stuck in the same segment. She says yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes! It is the most frustrating thing you'll ever see!

Sex and the City, respective creators and copycats, you know what? Go to Hell!

#08 - They were adapted from classics. The whole thing is literary murder.
Before my life was turned inside out, I was getting my degree in English literature. During it, before and after, I ran my eyes over several classics in that language. And Hollywood, as usual, wrecked it for me.

The Importance of Being Earnest. Taming of the Shrew. Both set in modern days and with new and improved dumbness. Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Cyrano de Bergerac, did they become mental or were born retarded?! I give that they were comedies and concerned romance to begin with. But you know what reasonable directors usually do when they decide to make adaptations of classic plays to the big screen? They set it in the proper time. You know what asshole directors do? They set it yesterday. But keep the speech as it was written originally! Who the fuck says "I come to wive it wealthily in Padua" today?! This isn't funny, or romantic. It's stupid.

For curiosity purposes and general deficiency as learning from mistakes is concerned, I have sat through dozens of these pictures. Some were romantic comedies, some were not. It makes no sense to adapt shit to modern days. Especially as romantic comedies go. First because it's adapting good plays to bad movies. That can hardly be avoided, though. Now along with having a ridiculous setting for its script, throw in: a 20-ish actor pretending to be older, with a great dentist who never combs his hair in the morning; a 30-ish actress pretending to be younger who couldn't be funny if she was dressed like a clown; a supporting cast the sort you find drinking in alleys; and a director who was given way too much artistic freedom. It is usually at movies like these I take a big bucket of popcorn along. I eat the popcorn while waiting to be sat, and then barf into the bucket throughout the movie.

#07 - One of them has some sort of issue. The other doesn't care.
You know, whoever gave soap opera screenwriters a dictionary, or the definition of the medical condition which causes someone to lose their memory partially or completely should be hanged upside down and beaten with bamboo swords. There is nothing screenwriters (soap operas' and romantic comedy's alike) love more than amnesia. Especially if hilarity ensues from said amnesia.

In several movies, amnesia plays a big part, especially in helping Adam Sandler get a chuckle or two. Americans finds cancer too serious, so that was not included. But it's not just that: it's a minor physical deficiency, it's trauma, stuff like obsessive-compulsive syndrome, having been hurt in the past (I reckon this is also borrowed from soap operas), you name it: as long as it won't kill you by the end of the movie or is so serious it'd cut the "comedy" part they want the movie to have, it's been done. The record is held by a movie called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999, and "male gigolo", by the way, is a very redundant expression) in which you have freak height, freak weight, Tourettes, blindness, insta-sleep syndrome and a missing limb. It's like a modern version of Freaks (1932) if it was ever adapted as a romantic comedy.

The message this is trying to transmit is that appearances don't matter, and that love surpasses all obstacles. What it really transmits is that minor quirks in your personality or looks will make you look like a freak in the eyes of society, undeserving of love until you find your Belle, who is perfect and completely ignores whatever problem you have. I don't know about you, but any guy who was still in denial about who I am and how I am after the first few dates would get the walk.

#06 - He is a loser. She is the prom queen. They both have stupid friends.
Romantic comedy set in college or highschool... most often aimed at teenagers and one of the greatest catalogs of stereotypes ever filmed. It's always the same: you have your preps, your jocks, ninety-seven girls called Stacy, Ashley or Amber, your gothic / punk / emo /metalhead crew (whatever's considered rad, worrisome and forbidden at the time) and of course, your nerds. If schools in USA are really all like this, America is more doomed to idiocy than I first thought.

The premise of this is another very old saying, slightly based off physics: opposites attract. So usually you have the will-be prom queen and doubtlessly prettiest girl in school, who dates either the king of all preps or the master jock. Said counterpart, of course, is a douchebag and treats her like shit, but she still dates him because "he is, like, totally handsome?" and they make a pretty pair. In walks the biggest loser in school, doubtlessly nerdiest guy in the lot, and all these people go through thick and thin, until she finally dumps her boyfriend and sticks with our would-be hero. Sometimes you have this adapted to adult years: pretty secretary who ends up dumping the company CEO for the reclusive computer programmer, attractive girl who chooses the loser over the winner. You get the drift.

So. Does it sound like bullshit yet or do I need to explain? These movies were created with the loser as target audience. To show that appearances don't matter, and it also doesn't matter if you're a mouth-breather and a social reclusive, love will find you anywhere you are. Which as you know, isn't true. Unless you go out and actively meet people, like the best part of us doesn't, you're gonna end up alone. Also, does anyone still identify with the people who appear on this, so that they can enjoy the movie? Is anyone like, or want to be like any of the characters featured in a movie like this one? Or is this another round-up of stereotypes without much sense? The screenwriter probably watched Grease one time too many.

And the friends these people have! Yes, because the attractive girl is never a source of the "comedy" half of the movie. And unless he is humiliated for some reason, neither is her boyfriend. The comedy comes from the nerd and his friends, or the jock's friends, both of which are dumb as bread. They're not just quirky or ridiculous, they are actually really stupid. Because at some point some of them will come up with schemes to join the two which are so far fetched they sound like they were made up in a Tom & Jerry episode, or one crowd will be humiliated by the other throughout the whole thing. Oh, did I mention there is a possibility both cliques will actually end up one huge batch of friends at the end? Get outta here...

#05 - One of them has an artful hobby. The other doesn't have a hint of talent.
When screenwriters need to make someone whimsical, or a free spirit, or plain "unique", they give them an Eastern religion, philosophy of life and/or an artful hobby. For some reason, it's usually the girl. In fact, if they want to make someone "unique", an artful hobby is involved somehow. It can be dancing, or painting, collages, sculpting, pottery, whatever. It can be fuckin' macramé, it's gonna be there. And it usually is the cornerstone of the whole plot: it's the one thing that will unite the couple and bring them together into loving bliss at the end of the movie. If she dances, he wants to learn how to dance. If she paints, he is absolutely breath-taken by what she paints and can't stand not meeting her. If she makes collages, they are not a boring as crow homage to her trip to the Dead Sea, they're the most stunning thing he ever saw (which shows he aims rather low and settles for very little, if you ask me). If she does macramé, he either wants to learn how to do it, or purchase everything she does out of it, even if it's just a bloody knot.

Now, ever since Dirty Dancing, this has been a staple in romance. There has to be something pretty to look at which will join the two characters in the same place at the same time. Dancing in particular is perfect, because it involves a lot of body activity which of course reminds the audience of sex: if they're not going at it, they're dancing. They can be doing both. Let me tell you something: people with hobbies may be more interesting because of what they put into it or what they get out of it... but they are not, in any way, "unique". Nobody is bloody "unique". Everyone identifies with someone or something else. If you had been absolutely devoid of any contact with any civilization or living things, you would be truly unique. That would be the only way in which you could. Otherwise, throughout your infancy and teenage years, you have been influenced by and relate to a thousand people, some you know, some you emulate. Giving someone an art-based hobby does not in any way make them "unique".

The comedy part of the deal comes when he tries to get closer by learning whatever it is she does. If it's dancing, he has two left feet. If it's painting, he couldn't hold a brush straight to save his life. If it's collages, he's gonna glue himself to the couch. If it's macramé, the first thing he does is an improvised finger trap. Stupid friends and on-again off-again stuff like in #09 may also be tossed in for good measure.

I'm gonna apologize in advance to anyone who finds a 90 minute celluloid about dancing or painting interesting. I think it's fuckin' boring. I don't feel particularly amazed by painting or dancing or macramé. A shitload of people do it. That's right: it's not so astonishing that someone knows how to tango, a lot of people go to schools specifically to learn how to tango, it's not awesome. It would be awesome if she could actually paint and do the tango at the same time. Do not lower the common standard! Also, if I was trying to teach someone how to dance and they kept stepping on my toes over and over, I wouldn't find it romantic in that "He is so lovably clumsy" way. I'd find it frustrating and painful. Overall, the artful stuff is just masking one of the other pointers in this list. They are the sour bread that goes with a bad meal.

#04 - He is a successful businessman. She doesn't speak a word of English.
Still on the school of love conquering all, apparently language barrier is not a problem either. And we're seeing this more and more as time goes by. Usually you have an American and someone else: Mexican, Spanish, Portuguese. The misconceptions that arise from the fact they don't speak the same language provide the comedy, and somehow, in a non-physical way, they fall in love. Eventually the non-English side of the couple tries to learn a bit of the language so they can contact with the other end of the deal, but no matter how hard she tries (did I mention it's also usually the girl?), she never manages to learn proper English in the movie.

Now... for those of us who do not believe in things such as the Sasquatch and love at first sight, this comes as odd. How do you fall in love (note that I am making a very clear distinction between "love" and "attraction") with someone you know jack about? You don't, right? Even as one-night stands are concerned, there's always some sort of topic of conversation: what's your sign, what do you do, do you like Italian food... anything! When someone finds a boyfriend abroad, they usually need to have contacted in any way in order for it to happen! I don't care if it's a language, a set of numbers which translates into a reality, mimic, Pictionary, Morse code, whatever! They must have known something about one another and in order to do this, they need to communicate! What do you see in these movies? They communicate via gestures, but only about unimportant issues. How in crow's name do these people fall in love when they can hardly ask in which side of the bed does the other person prefer to sleep?

Okay, so it's plain bullshit. It's a movie - it's fantasy, okay. But even fantasy has its limits. If it's not anchored to reality somehow, it can't happen. Did you see A Knight's Tale (2001)? Okay. Did you buy people in Medieval ages singing We Will Rock You? Of course not! There should be a horror movie based on this premise, in which two people who don't speak the same language meet, she falls in love with him, but he's a serial killer who preys on foreigners and has an intent to kill her instead... they tried to do something similar with Hostel, but fuck, even there, there was a common language! You need a common way to contact in order to have someone killed, but you don't need it to fall in love with them? C'mon!

#03 - One of them is married. The other begs to differ.
Adultery, plain and simple. Anyone who's been cheated knows these movies are shit. Apparently one end of the happy couple is married, but then falls in love with someone else. So what do they do? Do they sit down and have a calm conversation with their spouse about it and plan to try and leave the marriage on good therms? Of course not. That's not interesting plot-wise, and sadly, it's not what usually happens either. Instead, they cheat, and somehow either fall in love again with their spouse by the end of the movie or manage to get a divorce and settle everything up peacefully.

Settle everything peacefully? Get a second chance with the wife? Nah, fantasy's fantasy, but this is pushing it.

What's romantic here? This is not a story about two lovers going against all odds to stay together. There is very little romantic value to adultery, it's depressing: the one who cheats feels bad about cheating but does it anyway, the one who is partner to the crime feels worse because its counterpart won't leave the spouse, and the one being cheated on is plain sad. And while I like to see the circus catch on fire and find it frankly hilarious, assuming this is comedy you can actually laugh at instead of smirk, calling it funny is a really big stretch. You know, this is a movie that fails at all categories. It fails as romance, as comedy, it's not even half a decent drama... as I see it, adultery makes good plots for slasher films but that's about it.

And worse still, you have those in which the couple wants to cheat, but dares not. Still the married end won't leave the security of marital life. Blue Ball city. Most tedious.

#02 - One of them doesn't believe in love. The other begs to differ.
One of them says he doesn't believe in love. This may happen either because they've been disappointed in the past, or because they never did find love in the first place. And of course, eventually in walks the dreamy partner who will prove them wrong. We spend the whole movie seeing the usual stupid friends giving mixed opinions about the whole deal and our leading lady or gentleman being tossed to and fro by indecision: will he stick to his / her principles, or will he / she give in to the roaring passion? Damn, this is a hard one to guess.

Everyone is entitled to change opinions, but you know what? I'd like to watch a movie in which someone would decide it wasn't worth it. A movie in which she doesn't wanna see his socks in the same drawer as her pantyhose. One of those movies in which he decides her country CDs have no place with his rock albums. A movie in which either of them decides they don't wanna wash twice the dishes and twice the laundry. That would surprise me. I might enjoy that. I might give all that reflection and stupid friend advice a value if there were a couple of these movies to balance out the ones in which, of course, they decide they will compromise. As we are, you can tell this type of sucky plot from the first five minutes: she doesn't believe in love? In walks Prince Charming. He doesn't believe in love? The Princess should be just around the corner.

And what's with this bullshit of "not believing love"? Does anyone anywhere actually has no faith in love? Of course, after getting a disappointment or if they never got anything going their way, they'll say it. But I doubt anyone is willing to completely renounce love, money or the extra slice of pie. Watching this is like watching an addict trying to drop the smokes: they may say they don't want anything else to do with nicotine, they may even struggle to keep true to it, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, there we go: in comes the old pacifier.

Let me address this as well. Everyone is pretty in Hollywood, we all know that, unless the part specifically asks for someone plain. But why is it that in these movies, the side of the couple who begs to differ is always handsome? You know what it looks like? It looks like the other side is selling their principle for a set of abs or a pair of boobs. You guys, this is the 21st century. There is no need for a relationship in order to have sex... in fact, some prefer it that way! Renouncing love is the same as renouncing sex now? Apparently, yes, because if you watch this sort of movie, this is the idea the screenwriter gives you. What a pack of crow droppings.

#01 - He hates her. She hates him. They go at it like weasels.
And so we reach the final instance of our absolute suckage. It's like sticking your nose in a vacuum cleaner, that's how much it sucks. You've all see this, right? And it falls along with entry #06. Opposites attract: you will even hear it said in real life, that if two people absolutely hate each other, they are likely to end up together. So you are given a movie in which a man and a woman are competitive about something. They can work in the same place and want the same promotion. They can be neighbors who hate each other's music. Or two professionals of the same trade forced to work together by Destiny. Whatever it is, they get on each other's hair, and if they're not sleeping together mid-movie, you have yourself an unpredictable plot. By the end of the movie, they're getting married, and because this is a romantic comedy, they're gonna argue then as well, while the whole reception chuckles happily and the priest shakes his head in a patronizing way.

Whatever happened to enemies? Someone who can play all your keys in reverse and leave you seeing red? If you're murdered and the police asks your friends if you had any enemies, is there someone they can name? What happened to the bitch you hated in school? The guy who always made fun of your weight? Is it possible that true enemies were all copyrighted by horror movies and will end up dead in the first 20 minutes? Whatever happened to friendly rivalry? Or even plain rivalry? Something that gets you out of bed a little earlier in the morning. Whatever happened to saying that your rival may be hot but you wouldn't fuck him or her because you don't want any part in anything that gives him or her pleasure?

Alright, so if you're already thinking I'm an asshole because I like my violence, let's approach this from another angle, shall we? Whatever happened to admitting someone else is better at something that you (never existed) and stop making a fuss about it? Whatever happened to doing your job and minding your business and not giving a crap about the guy working next to you (also never happened)? Because let's face it: they may be great in bed, and they may be great in the one event that will make them realize they will work better together (which happens near the end of the movie, of course), but otherwise, they will attempt to top each other throughout the movie, way into the marriage and eventually compete about who files for a divorce first. The only sane way to watch this movie is in reverse: start with the wedding and show the slow deconstruction of a relationship.

Again, it's boring. It's like watching Death Note and assume L is sleeping with Light behind the scenes (control your joygasm, oh fanfic-writing fangirls). It's pointless. Why are they making all that noise, put them in a room with a bed and put the audience out of their misery! You know already that if a man and a woman hate each other, they will end up together... fast forward to the ending and save yourself time, it's not like it's impossible at this point... geez what a waste of a perfectly good film budget. The only good thing about it is that it only lasts for 90 minutes...