Ten (Useless) Items for Sale on Catalog

From time to time, I get a catalog at home. As I recall, I once bought an item from it, a book holder for those times when I had to type on the computer while researching. For school essays, it came in handy. Ever since I bought it, though (around 2002 in fact) I get the same catalog every month on the mail. And while some of their offers are very useful and cool... some are just stupid. Here's ten of those.

#10 - Dishtowel hangers
So you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, washing your dishes from the night's (or last night's) TV dinner. You get a dishtowel fresh from the drawer, dry up your plates, put them in the cupboard and consider your chores done. But wait: you now have in your hands a wet, cold, mushy dishtowel! Whatever shall you do with it? Fear not: just buy these dishtowel hangers, pinch one end on your towel, hang the other from wherever you want, and go about your business. Not only will your dishtowel be dry and ready to use when you come back instead of festering bacteria on the counter, but you'll never have to look for it ever again, since it's gonna be hanging from wherever you left it. And it's all possible thanks to this convenient little object!

First off, stop being a wuss. It's a dishtowel. It's meant to become wet and stay on the kitchen counter endlessly - or at least until you have to dry off some more plates. If you don't get some bacteria in your system, your white globes will get their ass kicked when the time comes to fight off the really serious shit. For eons before anyone ever heard of bacteria, dishtowels and kitchen rags hanged on a counter until they pretty much disintegrated, and the descendants of all those people who used them are still here.

Second point would be that unless you are one of those people who would rather have dents in your drawers instead of handles, you already have a place to hang the bloody thing to dry. In fact, if your kitchen doors or windows have knobs and handles, you have a place to hang them on. At the limit, hang the bloody thing along your clothes for a couple hours.

Third point... why do you want this? It's twelve for a €7.90, go down to your local Chinese store, you get five wall hooks (you know, the sort you can stick on the kitchen tiles? Or anywhere else by the matter?) for 80 cents. Even if you bring ten of them, you're still getting a better deal without waiting up to three weeks. After all, none of us wants you to sweat nervously, looking at your dishtowel lying next to the sink, gathering enough bacteria to kill the whole of the civilized world!

#09 - Banana case
When I was a kid, we had these little half-circle shaped lunch boxes, made out of plastic. You could easily fit a regular sandwich, a piece of fruit and a small pack of juice in them. Nowadays, snacks and lunches seem to have diminished considerably, often consisting of fruit. And what better fruit to eat on break than a banana? After all, it's got fiber, it's got sugar, and it comes in a yellow-tastic color. Unfortunately, bananas are also regarded as one of those fruits which are very easy to squish. So what? Do you take a full lunch box just for a banana - one that hides its yellowness to boot? No! You give away € 6.90 of your cash to buy a transparent banana-shaped case! Problem solved!

My problem with it? None whatsoever... other than the fact you're giving cash for something you probably already own, just because it's yellow and snugly fits your banana. And speaking of snugly fitting your banana, let's get one thing straight... would you actually pull this out of your suitcase, backpack or purse without the slightest hint of embarrassment, giggling or self-consciousness, in front of co-workers, co-eds or about anyone waiting at the bus stop? If so, leave a comment to receive Seion's Diploma of Absolute Nonchalance... or Seion's Certificate of Being Full of It, mark your option.

#08 - Mock security camera and car alarm
So you want some safety measure for your house or car, but you think most security systems out there are just too pricey - especially when you know that there are few chances of your house or car getting robbed. Because, you know, those things only happen to other people. For prices as accessible as € 16.90 (mock security camera) and € 7.90 (fake car alarm), you too can purchase a mock security system for your possessions. Both gadgets resemble the real thing in every detail... except of course they don't record or howl in case you're getting robbed. Still, thieves will think twice before trying to break into your home or vehicle, right?

Wrong.

See, there is a reason why there are so many videos of people breaking and entering. Because security cameras filmed them. Most thieves own caps and are willing to give away fifty or sixty cents for a Halloween mask to hide their identity, so they have no problem going in to rob places with cams. Some of them don't even give that much of a shit and just stroll in with their face showing. Of course, these people are usually caught, since they're on cam... unless you did purchase a fake cam instead of the real deal. Now not only did you get robbed with few chances of police catching the perp, since there's no way to identify him... you also have a piece of metal and plastic hanging outside your house that cost you 17 euros and is absolutely fuckin' useless.

The same goes for your car. So you have a light blinking inside - if some guys can get away with deactivating real alarms, the only thing your fake can hope to achieve is paralyzing them with laughter until the police arrives. Get real. Most thieves don't want to keep or resell your car. They just want to borrow it for a joyride as far away as its gas tank takes them. They couldn't give less of a hoot if the car has an alarm or not: they'll just take it. So just pay for the damn real security system, and spare yourself the embarrassment of explaining to the cops why your alarm didn't go off or why they can't see the tape from that camera.

#07 - No-splatter cover for electric mixer
"Tired of bothersome splatters leaping in all directions when you're mixing eggs, cream or others? Here's the solution! This cover is open on one side and has a central hole so that you can slide in your mixer and thus protect your kitchen counter from splatter!" This, folks, is an almost literal translation of the text describing the item. This, folks, is also one of the most sissified kitchen utensils I have ever seen.

What this does, basically, is cover up your mixer in a lid so splatters cannot get out. It's like using a mixer through a plastic lid. Now, if you ever worked a mixer, you know some techniques should be observed. Like using a deep bowl and not lifting your mixer too far up from whatever it is you're mixing. If you respect the latter, of course, you get next to no splatters. A mixer cover is basically the stupid, lazy, unobservant, € 7.90 costing way to do things. Besides, the way they put it in the ad, they make it sound like you're enough of a klutz to get half your batter all over the walls and ceiling in huge splatters! Remember that wet dishtowel you didn't know where to hang? Well use that!

#06 - USB mini vacuum cleaner
Stop reading this and take a long look at your desk. I'll wait. Back yet? Okay; see all those crumbs, dust bunnies, and the hideous grease marks between the keyboard keys? Aren't you ashamed? And wouldn't it be great if there was a simple way to vacuum all that dirt away while sitting comfortably? Well, couch potato, now there is! The mini vacuum can be connected to any standard USB entry on your computer and works just like the big ones! With just a few pushes of your fingers, you can vacuum away all the dirt on your desk, as well as clean your monitor and get those difficult stains in between the keys with the special brush accessory! And you can do all this for a mere € 16.90!

When I was a kid, an interim aunt of mine (I say interim since she was only my aunt for a year or so - then she got divorced from my uncle, and I never saw her again) gave me a mini shovel and pan for Christmas. When I asked what it was for, she told me it was to sweep the crumbs on my desk. It's funny, because before I had this wonderful utensil, I used to clear them crumbs away with a wet cloth like most human beings out there. It was just one more thing to take up space on the aforementioned desk, and had next to no usage since I had a faster and less stupid-looking way to do it in the first place. This mini vacuum, however, takes the cake as stupid and useless goes. It's about the size of a cigarette pack. Tell me you wouldn't feel stupid hooking that thing up to your computer and pushing it across your desk with two fingers.

Plus, here's yet another thing you're gonna hook up to your CPU, so it can consume unnecessary electricity, take up a USB entry and do something that is absolutely useless! Plus, you're telling me you're paying for it? This is the sort of thing you don't pay for. This is one of those objects that your friends clearly identify as a present from someone who thought it was "cute". Like a relative who doesn't know much about you, or that friend who thinks he's wacky and unpredictable. You want to pay 17 euros for the pleasure of pushing a miniature vacuum across the desk? Grow up, get off your ass and fetch your wet dishtowel.

#05 - Scarecrow stripe
Bird are a pleasure to many. And a nuisance to many others. See, birds have this habit of shitting wherever they stop. If it's a place you don't want them to shit on, well... you need to get them away. For € 7.90, you can purchase a roll of metallic, foil-like stripe. Tie it to your balcony, porch, windowsil or tree limbs, and the noise they make will scare away birds easily! Plus with the light reflecting on them, birds will surely not come back!

Now the only question is: do you want your porch to look like you tied pieces of tin foil to it? Because... this is what it is. It's a roll of super-resistant tin foil.

You know what else scares birds away? The lack of food. Stop feeding the damn things, and they'll probably go elsewhere in seeking nourishment. Still think the tin foil is a good idea? How about one of those sprays they sell at the Chinese store for € 2? The sort that spooks away dogs from the furniture... there's a bird version, you know? Still think the tin foil is a good idea? Alright: wax your porch. If you wax it, the birds can't get a good hold of it. Wait, you still think the tin foil is a good idea? Well... it is your business if you want to have a house that looks like it's been protected against alien brainwaves. Before you do buy a roll of ultra-resistant tin foil, consider this... duct tape. It's silvery, it comes in a roll, it does the same bloody light-reflecting effect!

Ah. Don't forget this as well: birds are also capable of flyby attacks. Enjoy your shit-covered scarecrow stripes.

#04 - Shoe remover
One of the worst moments of my days is getting home. It's not the getting home per se, actually, but the whole process between coming out from the street, and getting comfortable at home. One of the main things needed to achieve this effect is removing my shoes as fast as possible. So I usually sit down, cross legs, remove my left shoe, and then switch legs and remove my right shoe. It's a simple process that takes me less than a minute, even with my boots. Isn't that horrible? All that bending, and leg-switching, and pulling and huffing, and it takes so long! How can I achieve my comfort faster? In comes the shoe remover!

The shoe remover is a plastic piece that allows you to put pressure on one side with your right foot, and use the fork on the other side to remove the left shoe! Afterwards, you can stand on it with your left foot, and easily remove the right shoe! No bending, no huffing, no leg-crossing or switching, and it's all done in a matter of seconds! It's a bargain too, at € 7.90 (which seems to be the favorite price of this particular catalog...) a piece!

Again: grow up. Can you actually take off your shoes with this piece of crap? Or would you end up losing your balance and having to bend over anyway to take your shoes off? Because seriously, I can see this working with simple flats... try a hefty pair of boots or your favorite sneakers. I mean, even as simple flats are concerned, you can remove them easily without bending... by kicking them off of your heels! I'm looking at it and I can tell you the best result you'll have is a hurt heel and a shoe half off, which still needs to be removed manually! Plus, what will you do for sneakers or straps? You still have to bend, sit or stand on one leg to get them untied. While you're down there, remove the fuckin' shoe!! What use is a shoe remover that only works with one or two types of shoe? Stop being lazy. You don't do much exercize as is. Bending over to take your shoes off is the closest you ever get to a sit-up, don't ruin that!

Now, I did consider one thing. Maybe this is meant for the elderly. They are, after all, the age group with the most problems in bending down and getting rid of their shoes. Then it dawned on me... making an elderly person take off his shoes with this is cruel and unusual punishment. Unless he was leaning on a wall, he wouldn't have much leverage to remove a difficult to take off shoe. Again: he'd end up losing his balance and dropping down, maybe hurt his ankle on this thing. Overall, it's a bad fuckin' idea. Everyone takes their shoes off in less than a minute. And if you don't, you're wearing the wrong ones. Keep your € 7.90 and save a bit more for a proper pair.

#03 - Front seat back cover
You have a car, you want to keep it clean. Especially the seats. A lot of your daily life can interfere with your intents, however. Particularly in two main groups: dogs, and kids. Taking your dog to the vet in the car is an adventure in itself. You may want to purchase a seat cover where your best friend can ride, puke, piss, shit and shed at will. But that's cool. It's a dog. It can't tell you it wants to piss or puke. It can't help shedding. A seat cover is in hand.

Someone picked this idea and decided to apply it to kids as well. The front seat back cover is a plastic cover that is easily applied to the back of your front seats. Your kids can place their feet up now as often as they want: there is no way in Hell they'll get anything dirty! Plus, it's washable, so you can get rid of dust and dirt tracked by the little angel's little feet right onto it. It's also 2 units for € 6.90, well that's really a steal!

You know what else is a steal? Not buying this and forcing your kids to stay quiet when they ride your car. I can understand the concept of wanting to cover whatever it is your kid has to come in contact with. There are things kids don't care for. Like muddy shoes on your front seat's back. And let's face it, it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of shouting to convince your little bundle from Heaven to take his damn feet off your damn seat. It's easier to just buy the covers. The ad itself states that "(...) it is useless to tell kids to keep their feet off your seats (...)". Huh... no it's not. Because when my Pops told me to keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats, I'd keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats. Or ultimately, take off my shoes. Plus, you're only solving a part of this problem. Your seats aren't dirty anymore, but you back is still wrecked from the kicking your little angel does to the front seat. So what do you do? You scold him. If you're gonna scold him for kicking, take the chance to scold him about getting his feet where they're not supposed to be. And you just saved yourself € 6.90. Aren't you proud?

#02 - The fulminator
Have a problem with flies or mosquitos? Tired of all those flies around the kitty litter or trash bin? Fear not: the fulminator is here! This device is shaped like a tennis racket, which you can use to catch those bugs. The net emits a very low electric current, which fulminates your flies and mosquitos without bloodshed, without getting your walls dirty, and without the use of polluent chemicals. It works on two batteries and it can be yours now for € 9.90!

Now... the most sadistic among us will be thrilled with this thing. After all, they can now buzz their bugs to death, instead of just spraying them and watching them die. You and I, however, live in the world of reason and were born and raised in the 80's and early 90's, by parents who lived in the 60's and 70's. We know how you get rid of flies and mosquitos. With a newspaper. Or a fly swatter. It's in the goddamn name! Fly swatter! It's there to swat flies with! An electrified tennis racket? Get outta here!

Now three groups may argue this racket has advantages. The animal rights people, housewives and ambientalists. And I'm here to tell them all they're a bunch of horse's patooties.

Your animal rights folk will tell me this is a more humane way to get rid of flies, of course, since it's instant, and the poor thing doesn't suffer. To them, I say the following: the more humane way to get rid of flies out of them all, is to catch them one by one in your hands, and letting them go outside your window, keeping it closed no matter how hot the day is, so that they can't come back in. But you're not gonna do that, are you? Of course not, because it's a fuckin' waste of time. Plus, swatting is just as effective. At least when it's me swatting. I can assure you, never a fly realized what had hit it. Usually, it was a flyer from IKEA. There. Just saved you ten euros you can instead give to some worthy cause.

Housewives, however, don't want their walls dirty with fly remains. Remember that wet dishtowel? Go get it and get any remains cleaned. Not happy? Well, it's a matter of method, then. Kill your flies with a newspaper, and use that very newspaper to wipe out their remains. Easy, ain't it? Just saved you ten euros, ma'am, I'm happy to be of assistance.

Then come the ambientalists. By now, they've realized they can't complain of my method. Fly swatters will last you a lifetime unless you break them, and newspapers can be recycled with or without fly guts all over the prime minister's face. Plus, batteries are some of the harder to track pollutants out there. I just saved the planet, plus ten euros you can use to fund Greenpeace or buy Al Gore's DVD.

#01 - Sudoku toilet paper
The king of useless catalog bullshit. A regular roll of toilet paper, with a sudoku puzzle printed on every sheet. € 5.50 buys you a pack, and... why am I even trying with this one? Any asshole can see it's useless... literally! The ad's suggestion is that instead of taking a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom, you can take a pen and start solving the sudoku puzzle printed on the paper you'll be wiping your ass with in no time... first and foremost, if you can write on a single sheet of regular toilet paper, you're now my hero. Congratulations. Pick your complimentary tighs at the exit. And if you can wipe your ass with toilet paper you just spread ink all over of with a clear conscience, kudos to you, you're an idiot. Folks, it's toilet paper. It's bad enough they do them in all colors of the apeshit spectrum. I really love the color black, and I don't buy black toilet paper or napkins, because I realize it's a waste of fuckin' cash since they're twice as expensive as the regular ones! Nobody loves sudoku puzzles this much! And if you're spending enough time in the can to solve a sudoku puzzle on your toilet paper, open a browser window, access Google, and look up hemorroids!

Sudoku toilet paper... I just can't get over it. You can acess sudoku generators online! Plus it's a waste of perfectly good puzzles, unless you can wipe your ass with just a sheet of toilet paper! It's a waste of good paper, good ink, good time and good shit. Seriously. If you see sudoku toilet paper at someone's house, there are two possible reasons why it's there. Either that person has some serious bowel movement issues, or they're clearly obsessed with numbers. Either way, you're at the home of one serious asswipe. I mean it: breathe slowly, don't make any sudden moves, and make your way outside as fast as you can.