Ten Signs You're Playing Too Much D&D

#10. You laughed at (and edited) the Wikipedia article on D&D.
Maybe while browsing for book torrents or game forums, you've stumbled upon the Wikipedia entry for "D&D". Maybe you even went as far as logging onto WikiHow and check what they have on the game. And once the browser in front of you displayed the contents of these websites on this particular subject, your reaction varied. You laughed first, then you cried, likely you facepalmed, and then you created an account just so you could edit that shit and make it look proper. You probably were tempted to add a note about the Catholic Church being a bunch of stuck-up assholes on the paragraph that mentioned it insurging against the game during the 70's. Maybe you even went to the trouble of adding something or another to Gary Gygax's biography while you were at it, as well as make connections to words like "RPG", "d20", "dragon", "dungeon", "DM" and so on.

On the same line of subject, you belong to several forums about the game, where you go to discuss how lousy the 4th Edition is on some points and how to properly roll a kender to annoy your DM or players. If you didn't get jack of what I just typed, you're in the clear. The most addicted of us likely created the effin' forum. You have also entertained the thought of playing with people from other countries or bringing the game out into the light, so you joined or created a Yahoo! Group to form a roleplay circle. If you belong in the annals of fangirl/boyism, you wrote about or made art for your characters and NPCs, and posted them on a site of the specialty.

You likely also complained during the movie Dungeons and Dragons, and said whoever wrote that script didn't know shit about the game and would make for a lousy DM. My point is: a good deal of your web surfing is done about the game, and you won't have wrongful information posted about it. Over your dead body (and mine too!)

#9. Normal RPG games just don't cut it anymore.
Whenever you pick up a Final Fantasy, or replay an RPG you already finished, you tend to feel unsatisfied. The story goes as it's programed to go, and no matter how often you play it, it will go the same way. Leveling up tends to get boring because... you're just roaming around dropping monsters for loot or XP, no novelty, nothing different from the other fourteen times you did it. You can't surprise the unexisting DM with a move you pulled only crow knows from where, but which worked like a charm, like casting shatter on the walls of the Ice Cave and pray that your next Reflex check proves true and you manage to get the Hell outta dodge in time. You can't drop a line that sends the whole party, PC and players, on hysterical laughter for several minutes. You can't attempt to fool the merchant you're selling loot to by casting charm, or decide to pickpocket you way into buying that awesome armor because your Sleight of Hand skill is the best asset on your rogue. If you're sick and tired of that NPC on your party (Tidus from FFX, Vaan from FFXII, I'm looking at you both) you can't send him on his merry way, in fact, you need to put up with him for the whole of the game. And if this particular mission for the campaign is being a bore, you can't find alternative ways around it. And you can't change the alignment of your character (unless you're playing, let's say, Fable), you'll have to play with what's given to you. Overall, you dislike the fact you have little control on things beyond the four buttons and analogs. You'd rather play a game where, if you plan your moves right, the DM will be forced to play by ear with you, and where you're sitting around with a group of friends eating junk food and contemplating what the answer may be to the riddle that opens the door to the lich's den. Which, by the way, you can't go to Gamefaqs for.

#8. You carry a set of dice around... just in case.
In your bag, there's a small plastic box with a set of the basic dice. Those who are greatly afflicted also carry an extra d20 in their pocket for good measure. Wherever you are, if they hand you a pen and paper, you're ready to go. After all, nothing's easier to roll than this or that character, the basic mods and feats are imprinted in your head and you can actually aid people who never heard of the game to do it without even taking a glance at the book.

People who don't know you can't tell, by the contents of your backpack, if you'll be playing today or not. There are always dice in there. In fact, you suspect they're beginning to mate and multiply, because on more than one occasion, you've found dice in there you don't recall purchasing. The most afflicted of us can even tell them apart, even if they're the same shape, size and color (I'll slowly raise my hand on this one) or owns a set of dice for every character and another, huge load of them, only used when DMing. Maybe you carry dice you don't even use, but which remain with you as a reminder of rolls past. Maybe you've found yourself (and I'll raise my hand again) saying to someone, "This was my first d10. Look at those round edges. I must've made thousands of rolls with it. I still carry it for luck... in fact I remember this one time when..."

#7. You have references to the game on you, permanent or not.
Sure, we've all seen the t-shirts. "I am not a geek, I am a 15-level paladin", or "Rogues Do It From Behind" (by the way, did you know there is a series of porn short films called World of Whorecraft, and this is the name of the first? Yeah. It's on the Internet somewhere, look it up), but you're beyond that. In fact, t-shirts with game references are for pussies on your book.

You wear a dice around your neck, on a silver chain, which you sometimes grab just before you need your luck the most. You've devised earrings from old dice you can't use anymore. There's an imprint on your bag or jacket and it was taken directly from Complete Warrior. You have tattoos in elven (Tolkien), dwarven runes or the magi speech (Weis). You have a piercing with (again) dice, and your mp3 is playing power metal, which is aimed directly at the D&D people.

I have once seen one crazy guy who tattooed two huge d20 in his forearm. My dream is a little more modest. I just want one d20. In flames. On my back.

#6. You know the rolls for nearly anything in game. Anything.
It's not in PHb, but you know how to seduce that elven princess. The DM doesn't even need to say how, you already know. And you also know what rolls you need to make if you get the chance for sex with said princess, but you couldn't pick up a real woman to save your life. The DM doesn't need to tell you anything. In fact, he sometimes comes to you for advice. Even the most obscure rule for the most obscure action in-game, you know how to roll it. You do, in fact, roll them even before announcing them, and often describe how it goes based off the numbers you get. And if someone doubts this move is possible, you can direct them to the right book, the right chapter and even tell the page where it is by illustrations alone.

People tend to have in-depth knowledge about the things they love. You have in-depth knowledge on how to make this game work. You may even have a few campaign sets memorized, and thus are able to run a campaign on command. It doesn't matter you didn't have the time to do any writing: you can lift this campaign off the ground in this session, and do the writing from there.

Even if you lack knowledge of something, you have the specific book for it. Going back to the previous example, you likely have Book of Erotic Fantasy or Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge sitting somewhere in your hard drive or on your shelf. The most afflicted of us are regular encyclopedias. Want to test your addiction? Name me six monsters that can send fear chewing at your spine whose names won't start with T, D or B. You've made it? Then I have news for you...

#5. Not playing for a while brings out the worse in you.
If you checked for this one, congratulations: you're a junkie. The most of us probably play every weekend or so. If you could, you'd do it everyday. In fact, if you're mid-campaign, you ring your pals in the middle of the week saying you're bored at home, you can be there in 20 minutes, are they up for an hour or two of follow-up? If you're not playing, you're rolling characters for fun, or you're planning a campaign you don't know when is gonna run, or if it's gonna run, but you're doing it.

When you begin to grow tired of these patches and you haven't played for three weeks, the signs start to show. You roll dice at random because your wrist is twitchy. Your job, school, family and pets are beginning to annoy the Hell out of you. You can't sleep with the thought of another weekend not playing. You sweat. You can't stand another healthy meal. You're irritable. The ones among us with worse lives consider suicide.

#4. Your PC has a more active lifestyle than you.
It's not hard at all that your PC has a more active lifestyle than you. After all, you're playing a ranger who left his village on horseback to hunt down the tribe of orcs that's rampaging through the area. And in real life, you sit and try to sell bullshit to people over the phone, armed with constant, annoying, repetitive pre-designed speech. Your PC has to hunt for his meals. You get yours on a tray or from an iron and plastic box which tends to heat stuff up. He fights off threats every two or three hours, sometimes for long periods of time. The biggest threat you have to fight off is traffic and your aunt's dog. He sleeps under the stars, with one eye open for thieves or beasts. You go to sleep at three in the AM after several hours of Internet or TV.

But when your PC has way more friends, acquaintances, lovers and stuff to do on any given day that you, we have a teensy-weensy problem. Your PC knows half the people of the village, you don't know half the people who live in the same story as you. He's on first-name basis with the innkeeper, you don't know the name of the clerk at your local grocery store. He has enough charisma to pick up any barmaid, any adventurer (or, if he's feeling frisky, any female rogue of the local guild) that happens to cross his eye. And you... go to sleep at three in the AM after several hours of Internet or...

Crow. I'm depressed now.

#3. Usage of game terminology in real life.
You ever sit down and say that you were raised mainly Lawful Good, but drifted off to True Neutral as age piled up? You ever trip and nearly fall on the stairs, and say that was one lucky Balance check? Is "disgusting, filthy troll" a proper insult for someone bigger than you? Can you ask where the bathroom is in elven? You ever lie on someone's face and then turn to your friend and say nobody can beat your Bluff? Have you started adressing to Garl Glittergold instead of God? There you have it.

#2. There's but a thin line between you and your PC.
I observed many times that my characters always have some connection to me, although I play essentially male characters. My current character has hair the same color as mine, more or less the same lenght, the same temper before the morning coffee, he smokes, is a whisker short of being an alcoholic and we share the same vocabulary... especially the cursive, if you get my drift. The one I played before this? Also smoked, same taste for bad puns, pretty tall, same taste for setting fire to stuff (he's a caster specialized in the fire element, I love a bonfire), the sarcasm... well the rest is pretty much opposite, actually. He's a middle-aged islander male, I'm a younger continental female.

But more serious than this is when the character and you begin being one. You find yourself saying "I" instead of "[enter PC name]". In talking out of game, people have a hard time telling when you means you and when you means the character. If you say "I'm hungry", you can mean you are, or your PC is, and usually, you mean both, because as he orders a meal, you take a bite on your sammich. And if an argument arises between friends or at work, you're likely to begin roleplaying your character out of habit, as a reaction. When I'm gaming and my characters light up, I usually do too. Damn, what could be a more sure sign you've done one session too many?

#1. You, player, get physical reactions to in-game situations.
When you react to what's going on in game, instinctively, you know you're in deep. You incorporated the persona you've created to new heights. This is when the DM says a small army is running towards the party, and you, player, show all signs of fight or flight. Your palms become so sweaty or shaky you have trouble rolling dice. Your mouth goes dry. You blink faster. Your heart rate goes up. This is when you roll for iniciative and you're ready for a fight yourself. This is when the DM is rolling for damage, and you begin feeling pain or soreness yourself.

During a session I was DMing, a small child died, consequence of a failure to roll above 10 for several turns in a row, from my players. As they picked up the child's corpse and went to give their condolences to the family, I took a glance at one of the players, the one whose PC was carrying the body. And imagine my amazement when I saw him discreetly rub his eyes in heartfelt sorrow. This is how deep in they were. And if you are too, you probably just smiled at this story, and then thought to yourself, like I did, "crow... we need to get out more."