Mandatory Valentine's Day Post

There is no holiday I hate like Christmas. Christmas makes me spew out some of the worst, blackest, most violent hatred I have ever experienced in my life. And then there are other holidays and events which, while not making me as irritated as Christmas, do contribute to my blood pressure sky-rocketing up the roof and right into my 3rd story neighbor's nostril. One such, is St. Valentine's Day.

Now before I get my regular, annual dose of bullshit from people who think I hate this occasion over not having held a boyfriend or lover for the past seven or so years, let me explain the why I don't like it. First and foremost, let's see what I dislike about it. What do you think of when you think of St. Valentine's Day, other than the lovers part? Doves (which are a feather or so away from being pigeons, those crow-damned airborne rats, nature's inspiration for the human bombardier). Cupid (you do realize this "God of Love" is usually depicted as a baby... yeah. Greeks had a lot of shit like that. With the growing concern over pedophilia, I'm surprise nobody else saw this one yet). Hearts (the only places where I actually like them is on my dish, in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and on a deck of cards). Chocolates (allergic to the best part of them). Greeting cards (impersonal, corporized, I send them to the recycling bin as soon as I read them, fuck Hallmark). Roses (which actually make me laugh because I know a guy who once talked his way into purchasing a whole lot of them for a few cents). Teddy bears (I had a lot of stuffed animals when I was a kid. Half a ton. I even owned a stuffed Gizmo from the movie Gremlins (1984). But I never owned a teddy bear. I actively dislike teddy bears. I can't picture a reason why anyone would like teddy bears. I wish teddy bears would go extinct). Flashy underwear (really? How about no underwear? Wouldn't that be more representative of "Lover's Day"?). The color red (...okay, this one is nice). The color pink (SWEET MUSTAKRAKISH UNLEASHED!!). Now... if I don't care or can't partake of the majority of things associated with it, how can I like the holiday? Bingo.

And now the Wikipedia bit that supposedly explains the origin of this holiday. Most people associate it with two Catholic martyrs (here's yet another reason why I don't celebrate it: it doesn't belong to my religion) called Valentine, but someone decided this was more interesting:

the holiday originates from the story of Saint Valentine, who upon rejection by his mistress was so heartbroken that he took a knife to his chest and sent her his still-beating heart as a token of his undying love for her. Hence, heart-shaped cards are now sent as a tribute to his overwhelming passion and suffering.

... pretty freakin' sweet, huh? Someone is trying to turn the holiday into a scene right out of Edgar Alan Poe! Let me tell you something, if there was a way to prove this was accurately how the holiday came to be (including the part about the heart beating by the time it reached the mistress), I could give a celebration some thought... Van Gogh had nothing on this guy, sending an ear. And what about all the pussies who send heart-shaped cards? You ain't man enough for Saint Valentine! Saint Valentine is the Chuck Norris of the Dark Ages!

St Valentine's Day can also be a major cause of divorce. In my household, it was just one more occasion where Pops would forget to buy a gift and Mum would be pissed. I don't see why, frankly. It's nice, I admit, to get a gift in St Valentine's, just like it's nice to eat great food at Christmas, but I don't think I'd hold it against anyone. Personally, I'm much happier to get flowers on any given day the other part remembered me, even if it's for no reason at all. In my brother's school they do the same as they did on mine: flower sales and a Valentine's Day mail. Ah, Valentine's Day mail. How I loathed that bullshit. Some of the older students would come to our classroom, interrupt the class and deliver cards and letters that had been put in a cardboard box a few days before. Afterwards, the class would never concentrate again and it was Hellish being there. As a plus, I'd always get a letter sent for chuckles. When the laughter began on the back rows of the classroom, I knew I'd better not even read.

In conclusion, here's what I'll be doing on St. Valentine's Day. First, I'm gonna buy me a nice supply of beer or any other alcoholic beverage of my choice. Then, I'm gonna find me a supply of smokes. Then I'll vacuum my bedroom, download a shitload of b-series horror films and watch as many as I can. I'll attend a birthday party. If I have the time afterwards, I'll go do some of those things which I keep postponing. Like browsing my copy of Othello for the lines about the drunk, download Twin Peaks, sort out my earrings, put some order on my D&D books and sources folder, find the number of Gen13 I'm missing or write a comprehensive analysis of the movie Meet the Feebles, or as I like to call it, Muppets on Crack.