Ten Cheap Scenes in Horror

You all know cheap scenes, even if you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. They have been repeated so often they're practically embedded in our genetic code, and even if we don't see it, we know it's gonna happen during the flick at a moment or another. You can even pinpoint the moment when they're gonna show. They're so predictable even a five year old can tell what's going to happen next. These are those irritating scenes directors keep thinking will give them the Oscars... but they're not knew, and not classical. They're just plain irritating.

#10. If someone sounds batshit nuts, they're probably right.
We've all seen this. Bunch of teens stop to ask for directions to the nearest phone, for instance, and a crazy old Crocodile Dundee lookalike tells them there might be one at the old house in the hill, but they don't wanna go there. Old lady in the neighbourhood keeps warning the children not to venture into some house, because there are weevils in there. Paternal figure keeps saying you'd better move out of your new place, because creepy shit happens there at night. No matter who it is, someone is gonna tell you it's a bad call you're making. And you're gonna dismiss it as senility or plain nuts, and go ahead anyway. If someone specifically told you it's a bad idea, why aren't you gonna listen? Because you're so rad? Because it's supersticion? Let me tell you, with all the horror movies I've seen where this happens, I'm very ready to heed to whatever crazy warning I'm given.

Also, why is it that when they're in a group, there's always a guy (or, most commonly a girl, and most commonly the sole survivor later on too) that thinks that "Maybe the old fart is right...", and all their friends laugh and usually say the best ironical sentence ever in a horror movie: "There are no such things as ghosts". Which proves perfect when they're precisely the first bastards to die.

#9. Weird shit you can't see, but it turns up in pictures and mirrors.
We're all perfectly alright, having fun, someone brought a cam and they're taking pictures. And the night goes by undisturbed. It's the next morning, when you pick up the pictures at the store, you see the lady dressed in white peeking from the back of your group picture, or the blur in front of the faces of who's marked to die, or the phantasmagorical ropes around the necks of people who are gonna get killed horribly within a period of time, one by one. An alternate way, is to see the weird shit in mirrors and reflective surfaces, like the ghost you've been giving a piggy back ride to during the whole movie, the freak crawling towards you, your own reflection not doing the same movements you're doing or any other sort of creepy stuff.

For some reason, human eye can't always detect danger. You either carry a hand mirror with you at all times for safety, or take your digital cam with you everywhere. Of course, by the time you detect most of this shit, it's usually too late. Recently, to these objects, the cellphone was added. One Missed Call influences, most likely.

#8. She's running away, but at some point, she's gonna trip and fall.
On the school of "running the Hell away", there are several clichés that apply. First, it's most likely a woman who's gonna run away. For men are brave and will attempt to kill the murderer / monster / ghost, and be killed horribly or spirited away in the process. Then, you know that instead of running outside, which would be logical for the most of us since whatever it is, it's inside, she's gonna run upstairs, where jumping out the windows will result in broken legs and where, most often, there is no kitchen, and thus no knives, cutlers and other likely weapons. Recently we've also seen a school of thought that thinks it's cuter if they're running away in their underwear or pajamas, or other forms of small clothing, like miniskits and tank tops. Frankly, I'd be safe here. if I'm in the house I'm likely to be wearing a sports outfit, and therefore, ready to run on command.

But to top it all, these stupid bitches aren't even able to run properly, because at some point, they're gonna trip on their own feet and come crashing down. And of course, instead of getting up and keep running without looking back, they'd rather sit and pathetically back away from the looming threat. I'd understand if they were running, let's say, in wet tiles. In a forest, where stones and roots are just waiting to be tripped on. Or running while wearing socks. Or up the stairs, people are likely to miss the step and come tumbling down, that'd be logical. But no. They may be wearing sneakers, running on a dry concrete floor, no carpets or obstacles: they'll still trip and fall down face first. Another good one is when they trip on the -ohmagawd!- bodies of their dead friends, which for some reason, they didn't see while running forward. Probably because they're dumb and are looking over their shoulder.

#7. Let's split up and see what that was / find an exit!
Ok, there's six of us or more. There was a noise somewhere. Or there's an old house / cave / area to explore. Or we're suddenly locked inside and can't get out. Let's split up!

Anyone will tell you, in whatever case, splitting up is a bad idea. Anyone with a little brains will let you know splitting up is asking not to escape the threat. So even if one or two of us find a likely exit, they can't get the eff out, because they gotta go back to seek their estranged friends. Plus, you hold a better chance against whatever's chasing you if you stick in a group! There's a killer on the loose? Fine. The killer's one and you're six, why the Hell are you afraid? There's six of you! If each of you has a chair or 2-by-4, your killer's toast! If the threat's a monster who can likely overpower you all, don't you think more than one people is likely to hold doors closed for longer or be able to drag obstacles in the way to protect yourselves? Besides, if your monster does catch the slowest of you, he's gonna be busy for a while, and you'll have time to run away safely. It's basic survival: you don't need to outrun the monster so as long as you outrun someone else. So there's a ghost or demon. Again: the sooner you find a way the fuck out, the better, so sticking together saves time. And if you're versed in horror, you know ghosts and demons only attack small groups, they never show up when there's a lot of people around. Why split up?!

Splitting up is a good way for whatever's trying to kill you, to kill you faster. You're all gonna get done in one by one, while you screech your brains out and attract yet another person or people to their death.

#6. Devices that won't work when they're needed the most.
Your car won't start when you wanna make like an egg and beat it. All the cord phones in the house are dead, and your cellphone very conveniently has a low battery charge or no network. The power's off due to the storm and the elevators and electrical doors won't work. Your flashlight also went off either because the battery's fried or it broke while you were running away, tripped on your feet and fell. Why is it that whenever you seriously need the aid of a device, it's not working? The car is the one that really gets to me: it was working fine a few hours ago, why is it not now?

The stupid part of this happens when the car is dead, and you'll just keep trying. The zombie horde is closing in, and you can probably outrun zombies, or at the very least, find a safe place to hide from them. But you're just going to keep turning that key and getting the chug-chug-chug of an engine begging for burial. Or worse yet: it will start, alright, by the time whatever's chasing you is so close, they can hitchhike on your car and send you in a crazy driving run at random, where you're trying to knock them off and not crash into anything at the same time.

By the way, why is it always a car? You never see anyone attempting to escape on a bicycle, thought it's probably easier. Bikes sometimes go where cars cannot, and they won't run out of fuel unless you just can't pedal anymore. Even if you fall down, you're most likely to survive a bike crash than a car crash. And the marvel of marvels: it can't not run unless it was wrecked to begin with, in which case you'll see immediately it's not worth the try!

#5. Nobody ever believes you.
You can tell your folks, your friends and your co-workers that there's an insane monster trying to kill you in your dreams. You can tell your best half you're being chased around by ghosts. You can tell the police you know someone was killed horribly in this or that place, or that you know there are aliens going about in the sewer, or that there's a killer on the loose. But nobody, except your dog and possibly the aforementioned "crazy" person in the neighborhood will believe you. They'll dismiss everything somehow: you're tired, so you're having weird dreams, or you should visit a doctor because you're way too anxious, or that it was the wind, your imagination, air in the pipes and someone playing a prank on you. You know very well it's not. But they won't believe you. Nobody will believe you. Ever.

I think this is why so many heros and main characters choose to kill the monster / solve the ghost's unfinished business / catch the murderer. Because that way not only will they be able to get rid of the threat, but also call everyone that didn't believe them and rub it in their faces. It's not a matter of survival so much as a matter of hurt pride!

#4. Something scared the bejeezus outta me, but it's nothing serious.
If you're in a horror movie, you're gonna be scared. That's the point. Sometimes, however, the people who live with or near you don't help so much either. You've realized there is something wrong and you're on your toes. And this is precisely when the phone rings and makes you shit your pants. Or when your best friend approaches silently, and instead of calling out to you, pokes your shoulder and makes you jump out of your skin. Or better still, it was just the cat.

What's funny is that precisely when you breathe out slowly and think "It's the stupid cat...", something serious WILL scare the bejeezus out of you!

#3. Oh my sweet tapdancing crow, it's behind you!
How often have you seen a killer open a door in front of you? How often did the ghost pop in next to you? It's more common, but it doesn't happen so often anymore. And how many times did you see monsters charging towards you at a 45º angle? No: it's always behind you they are.

I think human beings are dead scared of whatever's on their back. Our eyes are placed so that we have a field of vision directly in front of us, slightly to the sides and up and down, but there's no way you can look behind you unless you're in front of a mirror, or looking over your shoulder. That's why it's useful to sit in front of each other in a restaurant or coffee shop. You can watch each other's back. Predators are also likely to go for your back. So you pretty much know where it's gonna come from. Installing a pair of rearview mirrors on your shoulders IS an option, and it would also be useful for the weird crap that you can only see on the mirrors (see above)...

#2. It's dead, but it's not.
It's over! You solved the mystery, you killed the killer, you blew up the monster, you got to a shelter from the zombie horde where they can't possibly get you. You're safe now. No need to worry anymore. Right? Bull. Because eventhough you THINK you killed it, it's still alive and will rise to get you, or some other group of people, again. Sometimes, it's not dead, it was just playing games. Other times it got out of dodge the last minute. Or the ghost is still pissed, eventhough you figured the reason why, and now you're gonna pay for what others did. This happens, of course, because the threat needs to be kept alive for the sequels. And in some cases, we just gotta admit the motherfucker isn't gonna stay dead no matter what (take Jason, for instance. There is no way to kill this guy without him coming back somehow. He can even get you in effin' SPACE, man!).

Even more ridiculous is the sort when you kill it, and the minute you turn your back, it's alive again. Evil never dies, etc etc. Or worse still, there's more than one and you didn't know: remember the Alien saga?

#1. Building up tension to open a door or closet, but there's nothing in there.
These are not only completely anti-climatic, but also last forever. Someone heard a noise in a room, they're looking for the source, and then painfully slowly, they begin to make their way to the closet or door in the room, take a huge deep breath, and open it...! Only there's nothing inside but junk. This is similar to #4, but because it takes so long to happen, it rises to become the most irritating cheap scene ever made. While she (usually a woman, of course) moves towards the closet or door, we're even treated to her very fake scared face. Come the crow on.

First and foremost, who in their right mind will check an unknown closet or door, while alone in the house, with the lights off, after hearing a noise? Man, I'd lock that door and wait for the morn! If more noised ensued, I'd call the cops! I mean, you're a young woman, home alone, and there's a noise. You're gonna go check? Or at least, are you gonna go unarmed? At least pick a crowdamned knife or baseball bat! Furthermore, I think it's widely known, if you have a suspicion there's something in the house, police usually advises for you NOT to go check, but either call the cops (oh wait, I bet the cellphone's dead and the power lines are off, so you can't really make phone calls, right?) or get the Hell out of the house and look for help (ah but you live in the middle of nowhere in this creepy huge manor and the car's dead too huh?). Of course, going to the second floor is probably just as good!