Seion's Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

Yeah, I'm sorta late this year. What with the moving, the working and the shitty connection that takes its time to upload what I write making typing these posts an inhuman form of suck, I'm afraid my usual letter was severely delayed.

You and I've always had a love/hate relationship, Santa. But I would like to say (without brown-nosing, mind you, since I've already got myself the Christmas gifts - spare you some time) that, as a professional, I sort of admire you. You've been working this lousy task for eons now, and hope to crow you won't lose it before retirement. Someone with your age and a resume that just won't stand on its own legs, you'll be in the unemployment lines forever.

I know why you'd want this task actually. The hours are awesome. You work one night as a deliveryman, and spend the rest of the year administrating a factory and doing mostly office work. But I know it's not easy. The way you carry, with the beard and flying around in the air, I'm surprised Americans haven't arrested you on terrorism charges. And you walk into little kids' rooms to give them toys and treats, it would be very likely they'd throw in some pedophilia just because. Your insurance on the sled must be a pain in the neck every year, plus reindeer feeding and vets (there's eight of them, after all...). You've been doing ads for over 30 years and never seen a red cent on that. With the poles melting up, you'll probably have to move your operation somewhere high like the Himalayas, and of movings I know...

Plus, what's with the kids these days huh? I remember being nine and asking you for a bucket full of Lego (which I still have, by the by, one of your best works by far, thank you), and now I see these brats asking for the Xbox 360, 3G cell phones, laptops and notebooks... you must be head over heels trying to hire any elves who know electronics. Or getting deeper and deeper into debt making partnership with all those companies. Is that why you're always wearing the same clothes, or is it a uniform sort of thing? This is why I sort of got my own Christmas gifts... a PS3 for me and my brother, new (secondhand) cell for me, another one (also secondhand) for Mum, furniture for the house and a lot of great food.

And now even the Catholic church wants a quarrel with you, I hear. They made an appeal for people to stop hanging Santa dolls out their windows. Instead, they're selling a red cloth with a naked baby Jesus (which is creepy like all Hell on their part) for €15 a piece for people to hang instead. I mean, come on! You buy a big one for €8 in any chinese store... I know it's mockery on your work to hang a Santa doll, but see things this way: this is the generation of Twitter, iPhones and mandatory ID chips for each and every dog. If you don't get some advertising, you're done. And I mean advertising for yourself. Not for all the crow-damn companies that keep featuring you in their publicity.

Speaking of which, even that got jaded this year, huh? Last year you were featured next to two smoking hot Christmas Mamas (Mrs. Clause must've been mad as a turkey, huh?). This year, you were featured in an ad in your underpants! What the Hell happened?

I know you're worried about your job, Santa. We all are. These are some seriously fucked up times. Maybe you should consider retiring - go to Bocca Ratan, get under the Sun, melt a pack of butter on your belly, take up bridge and pipe-smoking, the works... but hey, between you and me, it's one way to get out of the house when Mrs. Clause mentions the Christmas Mamas, even if just once a year. Who knows, maybe she'll be less of a stiff in Bocca. Consider it. With all the years you've been shoving money for social security, you're bound to get one awesome retirement fund.

Anyway - my Mum's sleeping on the living room, so if you do choose to drop in for a snack, take care not to wake her up. Beer's in the pantry, white wine in the fridge. Some shrimp leftovers and pudding are also in the fridge, I recommend both (the pudding, especially), and if you want something to go, there's a pack of chips somewhere in the kitchen. If you need coffee (and crow do you ever...) it's by the oven.

Cheers,
Seion

PS - I don't know if you had anything to do with my cat being found after 2 weeks lost. But if you did, it was the best Christmas present ever. Surpassed the Lego bucket by half a mile at the least.

PPS - Bring an extra jacket when flying around Western Europe. I'm pretty sure at this point we're getting as cold as the crow-damned Pole.

Updates the Size of France

As you may have noticed, I'm a month behind on updating my web log. Yeah. Usually, it doesn't happen, but November 2009 has been a pain in the nuts I do not have. I'm moving, work's odd, slow and boring, I'm nervous about what will happen with my old place, what will happen with my new place, cash issues again, hoping I'll have enough for everything... I'm hoping we'll come through, but it's an iffy and shaky hope.

Anyway, since I was tired, I took the eve to do a massive weekly log update. YouTube Wednesdays will have to wait another while, but I'll get to it... and reviews and ten articles will come later. Patience.

Cheers!

Ten (Useless) Items for Sale on Catalog

From time to time, I get a catalog at home. As I recall, I once bought an item from it, a book holder for those times when I had to type on the computer while researching. For school essays, it came in handy. Ever since I bought it, though (around 2002 in fact) I get the same catalog every month on the mail. And while some of their offers are very useful and cool... some are just stupid. Here's ten of those.

#10 - Dishtowel hangers
So you're in your kitchen, minding your own business, washing your dishes from the night's (or last night's) TV dinner. You get a dishtowel fresh from the drawer, dry up your plates, put them in the cupboard and consider your chores done. But wait: you now have in your hands a wet, cold, mushy dishtowel! Whatever shall you do with it? Fear not: just buy these dishtowel hangers, pinch one end on your towel, hang the other from wherever you want, and go about your business. Not only will your dishtowel be dry and ready to use when you come back instead of festering bacteria on the counter, but you'll never have to look for it ever again, since it's gonna be hanging from wherever you left it. And it's all possible thanks to this convenient little object!

First off, stop being a wuss. It's a dishtowel. It's meant to become wet and stay on the kitchen counter endlessly - or at least until you have to dry off some more plates. If you don't get some bacteria in your system, your white globes will get their ass kicked when the time comes to fight off the really serious shit. For eons before anyone ever heard of bacteria, dishtowels and kitchen rags hanged on a counter until they pretty much disintegrated, and the descendants of all those people who used them are still here.

Second point would be that unless you are one of those people who would rather have dents in your drawers instead of handles, you already have a place to hang the bloody thing to dry. In fact, if your kitchen doors or windows have knobs and handles, you have a place to hang them on. At the limit, hang the bloody thing along your clothes for a couple hours.

Third point... why do you want this? It's twelve for a €7.90, go down to your local Chinese store, you get five wall hooks (you know, the sort you can stick on the kitchen tiles? Or anywhere else by the matter?) for 80 cents. Even if you bring ten of them, you're still getting a better deal without waiting up to three weeks. After all, none of us wants you to sweat nervously, looking at your dishtowel lying next to the sink, gathering enough bacteria to kill the whole of the civilized world!

#09 - Banana case
When I was a kid, we had these little half-circle shaped lunch boxes, made out of plastic. You could easily fit a regular sandwich, a piece of fruit and a small pack of juice in them. Nowadays, snacks and lunches seem to have diminished considerably, often consisting of fruit. And what better fruit to eat on break than a banana? After all, it's got fiber, it's got sugar, and it comes in a yellow-tastic color. Unfortunately, bananas are also regarded as one of those fruits which are very easy to squish. So what? Do you take a full lunch box just for a banana - one that hides its yellowness to boot? No! You give away € 6.90 of your cash to buy a transparent banana-shaped case! Problem solved!

My problem with it? None whatsoever... other than the fact you're giving cash for something you probably already own, just because it's yellow and snugly fits your banana. And speaking of snugly fitting your banana, let's get one thing straight... would you actually pull this out of your suitcase, backpack or purse without the slightest hint of embarrassment, giggling or self-consciousness, in front of co-workers, co-eds or about anyone waiting at the bus stop? If so, leave a comment to receive Seion's Diploma of Absolute Nonchalance... or Seion's Certificate of Being Full of It, mark your option.

#08 - Mock security camera and car alarm
So you want some safety measure for your house or car, but you think most security systems out there are just too pricey - especially when you know that there are few chances of your house or car getting robbed. Because, you know, those things only happen to other people. For prices as accessible as € 16.90 (mock security camera) and € 7.90 (fake car alarm), you too can purchase a mock security system for your possessions. Both gadgets resemble the real thing in every detail... except of course they don't record or howl in case you're getting robbed. Still, thieves will think twice before trying to break into your home or vehicle, right?

Wrong.

See, there is a reason why there are so many videos of people breaking and entering. Because security cameras filmed them. Most thieves own caps and are willing to give away fifty or sixty cents for a Halloween mask to hide their identity, so they have no problem going in to rob places with cams. Some of them don't even give that much of a shit and just stroll in with their face showing. Of course, these people are usually caught, since they're on cam... unless you did purchase a fake cam instead of the real deal. Now not only did you get robbed with few chances of police catching the perp, since there's no way to identify him... you also have a piece of metal and plastic hanging outside your house that cost you 17 euros and is absolutely fuckin' useless.

The same goes for your car. So you have a light blinking inside - if some guys can get away with deactivating real alarms, the only thing your fake can hope to achieve is paralyzing them with laughter until the police arrives. Get real. Most thieves don't want to keep or resell your car. They just want to borrow it for a joyride as far away as its gas tank takes them. They couldn't give less of a hoot if the car has an alarm or not: they'll just take it. So just pay for the damn real security system, and spare yourself the embarrassment of explaining to the cops why your alarm didn't go off or why they can't see the tape from that camera.

#07 - No-splatter cover for electric mixer
"Tired of bothersome splatters leaping in all directions when you're mixing eggs, cream or others? Here's the solution! This cover is open on one side and has a central hole so that you can slide in your mixer and thus protect your kitchen counter from splatter!" This, folks, is an almost literal translation of the text describing the item. This, folks, is also one of the most sissified kitchen utensils I have ever seen.

What this does, basically, is cover up your mixer in a lid so splatters cannot get out. It's like using a mixer through a plastic lid. Now, if you ever worked a mixer, you know some techniques should be observed. Like using a deep bowl and not lifting your mixer too far up from whatever it is you're mixing. If you respect the latter, of course, you get next to no splatters. A mixer cover is basically the stupid, lazy, unobservant, € 7.90 costing way to do things. Besides, the way they put it in the ad, they make it sound like you're enough of a klutz to get half your batter all over the walls and ceiling in huge splatters! Remember that wet dishtowel you didn't know where to hang? Well use that!

#06 - USB mini vacuum cleaner
Stop reading this and take a long look at your desk. I'll wait. Back yet? Okay; see all those crumbs, dust bunnies, and the hideous grease marks between the keyboard keys? Aren't you ashamed? And wouldn't it be great if there was a simple way to vacuum all that dirt away while sitting comfortably? Well, couch potato, now there is! The mini vacuum can be connected to any standard USB entry on your computer and works just like the big ones! With just a few pushes of your fingers, you can vacuum away all the dirt on your desk, as well as clean your monitor and get those difficult stains in between the keys with the special brush accessory! And you can do all this for a mere € 16.90!

When I was a kid, an interim aunt of mine (I say interim since she was only my aunt for a year or so - then she got divorced from my uncle, and I never saw her again) gave me a mini shovel and pan for Christmas. When I asked what it was for, she told me it was to sweep the crumbs on my desk. It's funny, because before I had this wonderful utensil, I used to clear them crumbs away with a wet cloth like most human beings out there. It was just one more thing to take up space on the aforementioned desk, and had next to no usage since I had a faster and less stupid-looking way to do it in the first place. This mini vacuum, however, takes the cake as stupid and useless goes. It's about the size of a cigarette pack. Tell me you wouldn't feel stupid hooking that thing up to your computer and pushing it across your desk with two fingers.

Plus, here's yet another thing you're gonna hook up to your CPU, so it can consume unnecessary electricity, take up a USB entry and do something that is absolutely useless! Plus, you're telling me you're paying for it? This is the sort of thing you don't pay for. This is one of those objects that your friends clearly identify as a present from someone who thought it was "cute". Like a relative who doesn't know much about you, or that friend who thinks he's wacky and unpredictable. You want to pay 17 euros for the pleasure of pushing a miniature vacuum across the desk? Grow up, get off your ass and fetch your wet dishtowel.

#05 - Scarecrow stripe
Bird are a pleasure to many. And a nuisance to many others. See, birds have this habit of shitting wherever they stop. If it's a place you don't want them to shit on, well... you need to get them away. For € 7.90, you can purchase a roll of metallic, foil-like stripe. Tie it to your balcony, porch, windowsil or tree limbs, and the noise they make will scare away birds easily! Plus with the light reflecting on them, birds will surely not come back!

Now the only question is: do you want your porch to look like you tied pieces of tin foil to it? Because... this is what it is. It's a roll of super-resistant tin foil.

You know what else scares birds away? The lack of food. Stop feeding the damn things, and they'll probably go elsewhere in seeking nourishment. Still think the tin foil is a good idea? How about one of those sprays they sell at the Chinese store for € 2? The sort that spooks away dogs from the furniture... there's a bird version, you know? Still think the tin foil is a good idea? Alright: wax your porch. If you wax it, the birds can't get a good hold of it. Wait, you still think the tin foil is a good idea? Well... it is your business if you want to have a house that looks like it's been protected against alien brainwaves. Before you do buy a roll of ultra-resistant tin foil, consider this... duct tape. It's silvery, it comes in a roll, it does the same bloody light-reflecting effect!

Ah. Don't forget this as well: birds are also capable of flyby attacks. Enjoy your shit-covered scarecrow stripes.

#04 - Shoe remover
One of the worst moments of my days is getting home. It's not the getting home per se, actually, but the whole process between coming out from the street, and getting comfortable at home. One of the main things needed to achieve this effect is removing my shoes as fast as possible. So I usually sit down, cross legs, remove my left shoe, and then switch legs and remove my right shoe. It's a simple process that takes me less than a minute, even with my boots. Isn't that horrible? All that bending, and leg-switching, and pulling and huffing, and it takes so long! How can I achieve my comfort faster? In comes the shoe remover!

The shoe remover is a plastic piece that allows you to put pressure on one side with your right foot, and use the fork on the other side to remove the left shoe! Afterwards, you can stand on it with your left foot, and easily remove the right shoe! No bending, no huffing, no leg-crossing or switching, and it's all done in a matter of seconds! It's a bargain too, at € 7.90 (which seems to be the favorite price of this particular catalog...) a piece!

Again: grow up. Can you actually take off your shoes with this piece of crap? Or would you end up losing your balance and having to bend over anyway to take your shoes off? Because seriously, I can see this working with simple flats... try a hefty pair of boots or your favorite sneakers. I mean, even as simple flats are concerned, you can remove them easily without bending... by kicking them off of your heels! I'm looking at it and I can tell you the best result you'll have is a hurt heel and a shoe half off, which still needs to be removed manually! Plus, what will you do for sneakers or straps? You still have to bend, sit or stand on one leg to get them untied. While you're down there, remove the fuckin' shoe!! What use is a shoe remover that only works with one or two types of shoe? Stop being lazy. You don't do much exercize as is. Bending over to take your shoes off is the closest you ever get to a sit-up, don't ruin that!

Now, I did consider one thing. Maybe this is meant for the elderly. They are, after all, the age group with the most problems in bending down and getting rid of their shoes. Then it dawned on me... making an elderly person take off his shoes with this is cruel and unusual punishment. Unless he was leaning on a wall, he wouldn't have much leverage to remove a difficult to take off shoe. Again: he'd end up losing his balance and dropping down, maybe hurt his ankle on this thing. Overall, it's a bad fuckin' idea. Everyone takes their shoes off in less than a minute. And if you don't, you're wearing the wrong ones. Keep your € 7.90 and save a bit more for a proper pair.

#03 - Front seat back cover
You have a car, you want to keep it clean. Especially the seats. A lot of your daily life can interfere with your intents, however. Particularly in two main groups: dogs, and kids. Taking your dog to the vet in the car is an adventure in itself. You may want to purchase a seat cover where your best friend can ride, puke, piss, shit and shed at will. But that's cool. It's a dog. It can't tell you it wants to piss or puke. It can't help shedding. A seat cover is in hand.

Someone picked this idea and decided to apply it to kids as well. The front seat back cover is a plastic cover that is easily applied to the back of your front seats. Your kids can place their feet up now as often as they want: there is no way in Hell they'll get anything dirty! Plus, it's washable, so you can get rid of dust and dirt tracked by the little angel's little feet right onto it. It's also 2 units for € 6.90, well that's really a steal!

You know what else is a steal? Not buying this and forcing your kids to stay quiet when they ride your car. I can understand the concept of wanting to cover whatever it is your kid has to come in contact with. There are things kids don't care for. Like muddy shoes on your front seat's back. And let's face it, it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of shouting to convince your little bundle from Heaven to take his damn feet off your damn seat. It's easier to just buy the covers. The ad itself states that "(...) it is useless to tell kids to keep their feet off your seats (...)". Huh... no it's not. Because when my Pops told me to keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats, I'd keep my fuckin' feet off his damn seats. Or ultimately, take off my shoes. Plus, you're only solving a part of this problem. Your seats aren't dirty anymore, but you back is still wrecked from the kicking your little angel does to the front seat. So what do you do? You scold him. If you're gonna scold him for kicking, take the chance to scold him about getting his feet where they're not supposed to be. And you just saved yourself € 6.90. Aren't you proud?

#02 - The fulminator
Have a problem with flies or mosquitos? Tired of all those flies around the kitty litter or trash bin? Fear not: the fulminator is here! This device is shaped like a tennis racket, which you can use to catch those bugs. The net emits a very low electric current, which fulminates your flies and mosquitos without bloodshed, without getting your walls dirty, and without the use of polluent chemicals. It works on two batteries and it can be yours now for € 9.90!

Now... the most sadistic among us will be thrilled with this thing. After all, they can now buzz their bugs to death, instead of just spraying them and watching them die. You and I, however, live in the world of reason and were born and raised in the 80's and early 90's, by parents who lived in the 60's and 70's. We know how you get rid of flies and mosquitos. With a newspaper. Or a fly swatter. It's in the goddamn name! Fly swatter! It's there to swat flies with! An electrified tennis racket? Get outta here!

Now three groups may argue this racket has advantages. The animal rights people, housewives and ambientalists. And I'm here to tell them all they're a bunch of horse's patooties.

Your animal rights folk will tell me this is a more humane way to get rid of flies, of course, since it's instant, and the poor thing doesn't suffer. To them, I say the following: the more humane way to get rid of flies out of them all, is to catch them one by one in your hands, and letting them go outside your window, keeping it closed no matter how hot the day is, so that they can't come back in. But you're not gonna do that, are you? Of course not, because it's a fuckin' waste of time. Plus, swatting is just as effective. At least when it's me swatting. I can assure you, never a fly realized what had hit it. Usually, it was a flyer from IKEA. There. Just saved you ten euros you can instead give to some worthy cause.

Housewives, however, don't want their walls dirty with fly remains. Remember that wet dishtowel? Go get it and get any remains cleaned. Not happy? Well, it's a matter of method, then. Kill your flies with a newspaper, and use that very newspaper to wipe out their remains. Easy, ain't it? Just saved you ten euros, ma'am, I'm happy to be of assistance.

Then come the ambientalists. By now, they've realized they can't complain of my method. Fly swatters will last you a lifetime unless you break them, and newspapers can be recycled with or without fly guts all over the prime minister's face. Plus, batteries are some of the harder to track pollutants out there. I just saved the planet, plus ten euros you can use to fund Greenpeace or buy Al Gore's DVD.

#01 - Sudoku toilet paper
The king of useless catalog bullshit. A regular roll of toilet paper, with a sudoku puzzle printed on every sheet. € 5.50 buys you a pack, and... why am I even trying with this one? Any asshole can see it's useless... literally! The ad's suggestion is that instead of taking a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom, you can take a pen and start solving the sudoku puzzle printed on the paper you'll be wiping your ass with in no time... first and foremost, if you can write on a single sheet of regular toilet paper, you're now my hero. Congratulations. Pick your complimentary tighs at the exit. And if you can wipe your ass with toilet paper you just spread ink all over of with a clear conscience, kudos to you, you're an idiot. Folks, it's toilet paper. It's bad enough they do them in all colors of the apeshit spectrum. I really love the color black, and I don't buy black toilet paper or napkins, because I realize it's a waste of fuckin' cash since they're twice as expensive as the regular ones! Nobody loves sudoku puzzles this much! And if you're spending enough time in the can to solve a sudoku puzzle on your toilet paper, open a browser window, access Google, and look up hemorroids!

Sudoku toilet paper... I just can't get over it. You can acess sudoku generators online! Plus it's a waste of perfectly good puzzles, unless you can wipe your ass with just a sheet of toilet paper! It's a waste of good paper, good ink, good time and good shit. Seriously. If you see sudoku toilet paper at someone's house, there are two possible reasons why it's there. Either that person has some serious bowel movement issues, or they're clearly obsessed with numbers. Either way, you're at the home of one serious asswipe. I mean it: breathe slowly, don't make any sudden moves, and make your way outside as fast as you can.

Disney bought WHAT?!

Alright. I'm pissed, and I'm about to write an article which is strictly a matter of personal opinion. Skip this if there's any problem with that.

I do not await something like Penny Arcade parodied today, I know it seems like it, but I'm not that dumb. Still, let me explain exactly what causes me to become a teensy weensy pissed at the deal that happened just this week.

As you probably overheard already, Disney bought Marvel for US$ 4 billion. A bargain, considering how much Marvel was discredited in the past few years, in my humble opinion. First and foremost, kids nowadays don't give as much value to comic books as my generation did, and would rather spend their bling on cellphone plans and faster Internet connections (which proves, once again, nothing is sacred as soon as the Internet comes into the picture, but that's hardly the point). Marvel fucked up pretty much and pretty bad in its day, not in one but all of their many, many, many, many comic books and cartoon series. Even the movies in which the company had been involved backfired horribly. Constant deaths and rebirths of the same guys tend to discredit a comic book company. And most of the treasured Marvel heroes are now too old and too jaded from their original selves to be of any real interest both for the older and newer crew. I cannot honestly say the company being sold comes as a surprise.

You know what other company people don't give much of a damn for as well? Disney. When I was a kid, Disney stood for high quality cartoons. Nowadays, they've become just one more cartoon company, as I see it. And I don't say I dislike Disney at this point, but rather that I moved on to other interests. I have nothing against Disney - it's how they do things. At this point, I don't give much of a damn for theme songs in cartoons (even if I can still sing the Portuguese version of two or three songs from The Lion King) or happy endings. Hence why, at a point, I turned to Marvel. Sometimes there were happy endings and sometimes the shit hit the fan. I don't care much for the same bloody characters over and over again (because let's face it, Disney has a penchant for stereotype just like any other company...), and in wanting to see some different ones, I also turned to Marvel. Plus, Marvel already had merchandise up the ass, but Disney takes the cake here. It's been eighteen bloody years since The Beauty and the Beast came out, and I'm still seeing Belle's face stamped on clothing, toys, school supplies and party decorations. Not even Wolverine or Spiderman, arguably two of Marvel's favored heroes, have that much stuff.

So for starters we have a company that only gets some success nowadays through other companies (name me a Disney movie, in the last five or so years, that wasn't made by Pixar Studios) buying a company that's been disappointing a good deal of their fans for a while now. I treasure Marvel heroes dearly, but it's been years since I've bought a comic - for me, the minute they disclosed Wolverine's past and tried to make sense of all the shit storywriters have done with his life since the 60's was the minute they lost me. I haven't given a flying crow for Disney since I was a little kid and despite having extensively read several older comics of my favorites, like I said, I haven't given Marvel any of my money for years. Supposedly, I have no grounds for complaints, so why am I even writing all this?

Because I like Marvel heroes and I like movies and cartoons, that's why.

Disney being a cartoon company, with Pixar studios on their back to boot, of course they'll want to cash in on Marvel heroes' popularity and go for a media the geeky fans actually still respond to: the silver screen. Several new cartoon series are in the making, crow only know how many movies are being planned... and of course, the shit stain wouldn't be smelly enough without Marvel-related rides at Disneyland. In a way, maybe Disney can do something for the X-Men series. Did you ever watch Evolution? Better yet, did you see what they did to Deadpool in X-men Origins: Wolverine? Do you see what my problem is?!

At this point you're probably saying, 'But Seion, you angered goddess of a woman, Disney has already stated that they will give the Marvel staff all the creative license they once had! It's not like they're implanting censorship!' Given. And we've seen what Marvel did on its own, why not let someone else call the shots and see if things work out a little better? Of course if you've known Disney for a while, you know they're not the sort to interfere with this sort of thing. Oooh, of COURSE not! (In case I didn't make it clear enough, I'm being sarcastic). You may also say, 'But Seion, you dazzling beauty, does this mean you will stop watching every single new movie and series that comes out with your heroes in it?', to which I'll have to reply that no, I won't, because I'm a sucker for certain brands and trademarks (namely, Wolverine). The difference is that I always watched everything else they did in the past hoping it would be good. They've set the circus on fire now and I'm just going in to see it burn.

By the by, I just read on related news Stan Lee is thrilled with the acquisition. In case you don't know yet, you should be warned the man has been mental for years.

Ten Shitty Songs (That Are Always on the Radio)

Down where I work, we have a radio on almost the whole day. You know - music is supposed to relax customers so they'll feel good and spend more money on whatever it is we have on sale. From time to time, however, the DJ says "The soundtrack of your life plays here". And after hearing these atrocities play, I slowly start to wonder how much of a crap my life is, that these songs must be in its soundtrack.

They play everywhere. On every, or almost every radio station. You hear them on teenagers' cell phones. But what's the appeal of these songs? Just take a look... and I realize this is a matter of musical opinion and I'm by no means a musical expert, but try to see my side of the story here.

#10 - Almost everything by Christina Aguilera
Personally, I have nothing against Christina Aguilera. The fact she started her career in 1999 and from then on has made more and more effort towards looking like a Barbie doll from the 50's (both body and face) doesn't bother me, and frankly, I don't know enough about her or her life and career (or even her music!) to make criticism. I do have a complaint, and I picked her to do it because whenever I think of this musical bullshit, her name pops right into my head as one of the artists who helped make it popular. I'm talking about the whining.

I don't know what the musical term for it is, but it irritates the shit out of me. Take a "yeah", "hey" or "whoa" and drag them for some minute and a half, sometimes switching between them so it won't become as inaudible as an interrupted transmission beep. On her early career, la Aguilera showed a tendency to do it as is (check this out around 2.06, she's even trying to get a grip on it with her hand for crow's sake!) and as we reach 2007, she's doing it like it's diarrhea. What's with that? It irritates the SHIT out of me! I'd like to say Aguilera is also responsible for setting a minimum costume number per videoclip at five... but she wasn't the one who actually started it, she just made it a standard in any pop music video in which a girl sings.

But back to the whimpering... or moaning, or whatever you want to call it. Aguilera is just one of the artists who resort to this bullshit to demonstrate they have a voice. She's the one I always recall because... well. Her voice is particularly annoying when she's doing it, and she's doing it several times per song. I was never one to follow American Idol but I know for a fact nearly every female artist who reached finals sang like this. It's like she is so desperate to show us her voice is flippin' sweet she does little interludes in between lyrics to have us take a good listen. It's a cheap trick, especially when you listen to the really awesome voices of old doing so much better with notes. Why must every modern female artist sing like Aguilera? Who the Hell wants to be Aguilera anyway?! She's irritating!

#09 - (You Want to) Make a Memory by Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi, come on... what the Hell happened to you in your adult years? Are you the same bloke who sang Runaway and Blaze of Glory? The guy who sang about being "wanted dead or alive" is whining about "sippin' wine, killin' time"? The crazy kid who used to ramble on about being "a fighter, but without you I give up" is telling me shit about "if you go now, I'll understand"? The guy who did Livin' on a Prayer, arguably one of the top ten favorite tunes people like to butcher on karaoke, is sheepishly asking me if I want to Make a Memory like he's asking for a mercy fuck? Get outta here!

See, this is the problem with artists getting old: sometimes, they also mellow. And when the rock idol of your teenage years turns into something your Mum sings along to in the car, something's very wrong. The whole song sounds like he's apologizing us for singing it. Maybe I'm too jaded already, but throughout the whole thing the only expression that pops into my mind is 'mercy fuck'. Take a look at the lyrics: there he is, sitting with possibly an old flame, asking her if she wants to write a song along with him, so they both can have a moment together they'll treasure. I'm still hearing 'mercy fuck'. Bon Jovi half whispers it and half sings it, venturing a little into his old high pitches as the song comes to an end. 'Mercy fuck' still comes to mind. "God it's good to see you smile"? "It's bittersweet to hear you laugh"? 'Mercy fuck' still here.

There's nothing else to say, really. For me, he's clearly apologizing for this bull. Or asking for a musical mercy fuck, whatever fancies you. It reminds me of the unplugged version of It's My Life. On the original version you had something that sorta sounded like what you'd expect from an aged Bon Jovi. Then they pulled the plug on the guitars and bam - it makes me sleep. Come on, Bon Jovi! You've done much better slows in your day! Go listen to your own albums, man! You're Bon-fuckin'-Jovi, you don't need a mercy fuck!

#08 - Viva la Vida by Coldplay
'You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay'. Man, pop music has been disappointing for a while now, but Coldplay is probably one of the epitomes of suck. Non-threatening music based on a four or five key melody with lyrics hiding behind philosophical bullshit to mask the fact they mean jack squat. This, for me, is Coldplay. I've tried liking some of it in the past, since so many of my college friends were into the band when they started getting big in 2002. I've tried to look at Yellow and seeing some more sense to it than some British twat saying everything's... yellow. Isn't it perfect that a sissy band wrote a song called Yellow? I tried, and by the time I came to The Hardest Part in 2005... I quit. I definitely hate their style. And songs. And Viva la Vida didn't come to improve the impression they had already made on me.

Coldplay is possibly the only band able to write a song about a revolution, or someone who lost everything, and make it sound like the commercial tune to a new type of chewing gum. I mean... I complain often about U2, and even It's a Beautiful Day held a little more power than this, within similar themes. By the third minute of the song, Chris Martin simply gives up, realizing he has written lyrics which can be interpreted in a variety of ways but most likely mean nothing concrete whatsoever, and that he's been singing it with less emotion than a little kid going through Silent Night for his aunts for the fortieth time this Christmas. He simply moans at us for a while, gives us a last chorus and calls it a day. Still non-threatening, suburban British music. It stinks.

#07 - Unfaithful by Rihanna
Again, I can't see the appeal behind Rihanna. I first heard her when everybody did: when she started singing Umbrella. After it came to me on the radio the third time, I reached the conclusion it was actually amazing, the way she could sing the chorus through her nose AND deliver the weather forecast at the same time. (yeah, I know the umbrella is symbolic. What's the ella-ella-eh-eh-eh a symbol of? That's the part in the song that got her into the top ten chart in 2007, you know? Like Lou Reed's doo-do-doo). Before that, however, she had been singing Unfaithful for a year. Only nobody had noticed. The ella-ella-eh-eh-eh in Umbrella actually got radio DJs to dig underneath the mess of junk food and the latest sponsor soda bottles to find her previous album and actually play the song on the radio.

So... Unfaithful. This woman who loves this guy, yet she's being unfaithful and it's killing him, so she's deciding to leave him once and for all because she "don't wanna be a murderer". I think the best part of us has a few names for her, other than 'murderer'. I've heard plenty of names for people like that from friends who have been in the shoes of said guy. Really, what's so great about this shit? What kind of message does this convey? "I don't wanna do this anymore", how about the times you already did? "I don't wanna hurt him anymore", so you did before? The message you get from all this is basically that it's okay to cheat if it's not weighting on your conscience! Bullshit it is! You should jump over to a 50 Cent song to see what he'd do to you if you kept that on, bitch! Damn, jump right into Aina to see what they do to you there: pop music may be tolerant of cheating, wait to see what heavy metal's gonna do to your ass!

It's funny right after this she came along with Umbrella, where "told you I'd be here forever" is a main chorus line (other than, of course, ella-ella-eh-eh-eh, because you know... that's the good stuff in the song!). Still, Unfaithful comes across as an a-okay to cheating so as long as you can sleep at night. And it's sang with the sort of depressive tune and anguished vocals you'd expect from the guy who's being cheated on. You gotta have some serious nerve, Rihanna - you sure you're sorry about this guy? Damn, I'd hate to see you when you're mad at him!

#06 - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.
I hate this song. I abhor this song. I've walked faster on the street not to hear it for long when it's coming from inside a coffee shop or clothes store. I can't change stations fast enough when it comes up on the radio. I once shook my Mum because she was singing it. I'm checking the lyrics now in order to tell you a bit more about it, and I'm cursing through my teeth.

And despite what you might say, it's not the lyrics. It's not the happy-happy-butterflies-and-sunshine mood the whole thing has that upsets me. It's not the good vibes you get from it, the whole life-is-short-and-we're-young, let's-love-ourselves-without-huge-complications, the whole hippie bit in it, really, that's not what upsets me. It's a song with a huge disposition as lyrics go! It's the sort of song that wakes up in the morning and has a smile on its way to work while everyone else is loathing the fact coffee was cold. It's not exactly my thing either, but it doesn't bother me. You wanna be happy while I'm sour, by crow and all things sacred, be happy! So why do I hate this shit?

It's the melody. And Jason Mraz's voice.

You hear this and you immediately know what it is... you'd expect to hear it from some guys panhandling at the subway station. You sort of feel you're somewhere tropical. I'm divided between Jamaica and Hawaii to describe it. I hate it. It's the same four or five notes over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over again. And as for his voice... I'm not sure what's worse. When he's singing, you get these moments when he goes into falsetto for some time (I like deep male voices, so you see, no appeal for me in Jason Mraz, plus he wears a hat shaped like a potty) crow only knows why... and when he stops singing, you still hear the bloody ukelele, or whatever the fuck it is he's playing! Sounds like some tune you'd use as background music for your bossanova medley. I've heard 8-bit melodies with more variation than this. Also, explain to me what the fuck he means when he goes "a-la peaceful melody". What, you needed a few more syllables for the rhyme to feel right? Go away...

So you see, I actually think I could enjoy the lyric on its own (provided I had my morning coffee of course, and I was in the best of my happy-happy moods, which isn't as often as you may think) but... not only Jason Mraz is singing it, he also called his cousin from the Maldivas to write the melody!!

#05 - The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script
This is actually a very scary song, only nobody noticed because it had an upbeat rhythm and several of the usual romantic elements that captivate teenage girls. I guess this is why it's so popular. Girls like the idea of a man who feels so miserable about having been ditched, he's willing to camp on the corner of a street waiting for them to come back. And, as you can probably see in the music video, he really can't be moved. Police doesn't even try to get his ass off the corner! Damn, if that was happening anywhere around my neighborhood, he'd be mugged three times before the police even arrived and then have the shit kicked out of him, so the girl he's waiting for could go bail him out of jail.

But he's not moving. He's not mooooooooving! (what's with the fuckin' falsettos men are doing in songs? I only know a handful of male singers who can do falsetto and get away with it, you're not them, grow balls!). Like I said, you get plenty of the elements in a love song most women like. You have your "corner where I first saw you", your "I'm a broken hearted man", your "how can I move on when I'm still in love with you", and that's just the first verses. But nobody notices how it gets creepy shortly after the first minute: he starts actually fantasizing that she's gonna wake up one day, and realize she misses him, so she'll come running back here to look for him, and maybe he'll get famous because he's not getting his ass off the corner, so maybe she'll come back like that too... people... it's a fuckin' stalker! I know why he's on the corner of the street, he has a court order to keep the Hell away from her doorstep. Get real, mac, if that's the place she met you at, she isn't going back there ever again.

I mean, the chorus is the same sentence four times: "I'm not moving". You know who repeats things like this? The crazies. Take a jog, print these lyrics and read them while panting, you'll see what I mean... if I knew there was a guy in a corner waiting for me to go back and doing this shit, I'd change towns. It's a spooky song, people, he's a fuckin' stalker!

#04 - Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne, teenage idol extraordinaire. Up until now, she and I have led our separate ways quietly: for me, she's a cheerleader who woke up one morning and decided she wanted to cash in on the whole pseudo-punk pseudo-emo style... Joan Jett is supposed to be one of her greatest influences, although I can't see it, other than for her cover of one of her songs. I should take the time to say, however, that Joan Jett is a queen and Avril Lavigne, although having made a tribute that turned out more or less decent, is not fit to pump gas into the Blackhearts van.

I hate Girlfriend because I hate the new generation of teenage girls. I hate the general way in which they carry. I hate teenagers who are revolted against... what? What are these stupid brats revolted against? The most of them live in big houses, their parents are mostly together and driving expensive cars, they have the latest cellphones and gadgets, they can even beat the shit out of teachers, and their greatest aspiration in life is to marry well and get pregnant now! Whatever problems do these stupid projects of people have? I know: they're bored! Girlfriend sings like an American cheer leading song, and the lyrics go like this: your girlfriend's stupid, ditch her, keep me, I'm sexier. Yeah, that's right. What did you think she meant during "don't you know what I can do to make you feel alright"? Sexual innuendo? Nah, not one bit!

Plus, Avril, you lost me at "she's like, so whatever". When I was a teenager we had coded language too, but you managed to actually put together two of the expressions I hate the most in the same sentence, and sing them with the tone I hate the most as well.

#03 - The Story by Brandi Carlile
Another one I learned to recognize by the first few seconds so I can change radio stations whenever it's on. For some reason I always picture this shit being sang by the pedophile old man in Family Guy - and it's not just because he once sang a song with more or less the same theme in the series. Her voice also reminds me of him. Especially when she goes into high pitch, then it's just like him. Brrr.

Now this has nothing to do with the song itself, but... who the fuck names his daughter "Brandi" and misspells it on purpose? Your credibility died there and then, Brandi. Even if I wanted to give you some, you decided to sing your debut song as if you were a cat getting skinned. I can see some country music influences there... although I don't know why so many country singers purposely do the pitch she also does with her voice. She has a pleasant voice, actually, a rough tone that reminds me of a much less smoky Bonnie Tyler... but then she goes into pitch, and the cat's getting skinned again! She alternates the audible parts with the pitch, so unless you know exactly when it's coming, you don't even have the time to cover your ears. The worse, for me, happens at 2.54: crow, someone put the poor woman out of her misery! If I heard that without the music, I'd assume someone was being tortured into singing! And that's not heartfelt, it's plain ear-splitting.

I'm not even gonna complain about the lyrics... because, how could I? The cat starts getting skinned shortly into the song's first minute and my brain shut off the remainder of the words! And then, after much skinning, we drive into 3.33, when she becomes the pedophile in Family Guy again. Seriously, I don't even wanna go further into The Story, every time I remember that high pitch I get urges to break out the baseball bat and beat the shit out of whoever's killing a cat!

#02 - Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
Oh brother... Katy Perry showed up a little while ago and rose so fast in the European Top 20 we were waiting to see her burst out through the ceiling and fly her way to fuckin' crow, taking her song along with her. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, so every other day I have to listen to it during my train ride back home. Which is precisely when I cannot escape. I need an MP3 player urgently.

The lyrics are nothing special: boy can't take a position to save his life and she's pissed about it. In a very cheery way, but she's pissed about it. She starts singing as if someone just punched her in the chest and she's gasping for air. Then the whole things becomes a cartoon theme song. I'm serious, this is one of those songs you hear being played at the beginning of a cartoon. Then she lost her breath again! The whole electronic, synthesizer bit is a common tool of those who cannot sing. I never heard Katy Perry live, but I'm almost positive it must be a massacre of decibels. Everyone can sing on a synthesizer. I can sing on a synthesizer.

What bothers me about it, other than the stupid duality between "I'm suffocating" and "morning cartoons opening" is that anyone with the slightest knowledge of computer programs could whip up something like this. But wait, maybe I'm being too rough on Katy Perry and her Hot N Cold (c'mon Katy, you're not cool just because you decided to misspell "and"). After all, she reminds me of another artist, and her whole style can perhaps be explained by her predecessor... let's see, girl singing? Check. Synthesizer use? Check. Pseudo-techno tunes? Check. Stupid lyrics? Check. Stupid music video? Hmmm... could it be she looks a little bit like... oh, of course! I see my mistake, I'm taking her seriously! Well, if her predecessor taught us something, Katy Perry and her song will be taking the walk in less than a year. I'm sorry Katy, do carry on!

#01 - The Boy Does Nothing by Alesha Dixon
Another song that reminds me of cartoons. Actually, she could probably be considered the black Katy Perry: she's also complaining about her man, who is clumsy and untidy. Then she eventually sees another guy, but he ends up not washing up, cleaning up or brushing up either. Apparently, Alesha Dixon is trying to get a date at the gorilla cage in the zoo. You know what this reminds me of? This. No shit. I'm sure someone could put the clip and the song together and it'd fit - with the exception Lum was funny and Alesha Dixon is not. The first time I heard her song, I wanted to jump out of the train. And it has been so for every other time I've heard it.

What bothers me in Alesha's song... the chorus. I could pick up the repetitive beat in the back, but I won't: she's doing a mambo here, I don't like mambo, so I have no say. That her lyrics sound both retarded, I can complain about. First, you get the chorus as if she's checking from a list: does he wash up? Never wash up, cross that. Does he clean up? Nope, not cleaning up, cross that as well. Does he brush up at least? Nah, doesn't brush up either - cross it. This guy is a fuckin' couch potato, he's coming into the club with his pajamas on! The last two verses are a very surprised "he does nothing, the boy does nothing!", and frankly I can understand him. If a woman was singing this at the club, I wouldn't know what to do either. Between making for the fire exits and swinging a chair at the stage.... decisions, decisions.

Also, you're way too fuckin' old to be calling your dancing partners "boy" unless you wanna be arrested. I guess these new songs aren't for me. I like the old time rock 'n roll.

Summer Releases 2009

I find it most depressing to check out what movies I can look forward to during the Summer. It's a ritual I do on the first week of June almost every year, and every time I do, it seems to me like the movies get worse and worse.

2009 was no different: I sat down this afternoon and decided to check what was coming "to a movie theatre near you" (which is bullshit, because the nearest one is some 40 minutes away on public transportations and the one that was actually down the street from here now belongs to some Catholic variety of church) and... well, why don't we run through them together and I'll tell you the hows and whys, okay? Keep in mind I'm not saying these are all going to be shit: I am only telling you how they sound... in three months, we can check if they were actually as bad as all that.

- Land of the Lost (space-time vortex comedy for kids in which some deadbeat scientist, his smartass assistant and a redneck are sucked back in time so that dinosaurs are featured in the flick. Perhaps amusing if you're 10. Boring and unfunny at my age, and someone please shoot Will Ferrel. He should have never left MadTV)

-My Life in Ruins (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-The Hangover (flashback comedy in which three guys are trying to figure out how the fuck did they lose a friend during his own bachelor party, two days from his wedding... sounds like something on the lines of The 40-Year Old Virgin, do not want)

-Imagine That (comedy for the whole family with Eddie Murphy finding the answers to life in his would-be daughter's imaginary land. Eddie Murphy, by the way, is one of those guys I'd rather watch doing stand-up than family flicks. I've seen my share of his family flicks, having almost snored my way through most of them. If The Haunted Mansion wasn't the most boring shit I sat through in 2003, it wasn't very far from it. I don't really care for family flicks anyway, so this is out of my league)

-The Taking of Pelham 123 (action remake, 'nuff said - although the plot sounds rather nice. Some nutjobs take a whole subway train's worth of hostages and will shoot one every minute until the ransom is paid. Denzel Washington is in it, yay! So is John Travolta, eww!)

-Year One (caveman-ages comedy with Jack Black. Two lazy cavement are kicked out of their tribe and must fend for themselves... do I really want to watch this? I love Tenacious D and Jack Black has made me laugh in the past, quite often so, but... caveman-ages comedy? This sounds like some four or five other movies I've seen in the past: staged in ancient times for modern pun purpose...)

-The Proposal (romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock - enough fuckin' said!)

-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (a sequel that seemingly will wreck whatever the first one had of good. I'm not even going to say why: watch the trailer and tell me if you think any differently. The first Transformers movie was swallowed with some difficulty - I'm pretty sure there is no mug of beer big enough to make me swallow this one)

-Public Enemies (gangster drama with Johnny Depp... seems to come in the same line of work as The Libertine and feature a similar acting style. Here's how I see Johnny Depp: he's very versatile, looks good on the big screen and is probably one of the biggest wackos in Hollywood, which is actually a good thing. There are movies starring him I loved... and then there are movies starring him that I hated, usually the romances. I found The Libertine a near 2-hour yawn... even if set in the crazy 20's, I don't think this will be much better. Still, Christian Bale is there too and Michael Mann produced Hancock and Heat, so I'm a little tempted to watch it)

-Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (the second was already lousy. This will probably not make it any better)

-I Love You Beth Cooper (aff... teenage romantic comedy... if you ever catch me watching one of these, you can stop the DVD because they're torturing me... sole exception being The Breakfast Club, which wasn't really much of a comedy and had very mild romance)

-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter again?! How many bloody novels are there?!)

-(500) Days of Summer ("an offbeat romantic comedy", said the plot, and I didn't want to read any further)

-Orphan (American horror movie based around a little girl, which I will most likely watch and then rant about. Nothing new here.)

-The Ugly Truth (romantic comedy, 'nuff said)

-Aliens in the Attic (sounds like a bad duplicate of Goonies to me, with a little Signs tossed in for good measure: OMG teenagers must save their community from aliens hiding in the attic! Fuck off...)

-Funny People (after I read about this comedy in which a comedian has a near-death experience, I yelled in horror for almost a full minute and came close to having a near-death experience too. I'm sorry, Adam Sandler has that effect on me)

-G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (well, G.I. Joe fans, welcome to the horror we at other fandoms have lived in for several years now: your fandom will now be adapted into video for the delight of the masses who had never heard about it before. It's a screwed-up situation, isn't it?)

-When in Rome (romantic comedy set in Rome, 'nuff said)

-Julie & Julia (Meryl Streep? Might be go- oh wait, it's also a romantic comedy. 'Nuff said.)

-The Time Traveller's Wife (drama-romance about a guy who suffers from Chrono-Displacement Disorder and his wife... it sounds like The Butterfly Effect, which wasn't half bad, and despite Eric Bana being in it... I don't know. If the drama is not too snot-faced, tear-stricken and filled with overacting, it may actually be a half decent film. Or not... I decided to check what Chrono-Displacement Disorder is: it means he time-travels out of the bloody blue... damn this IS a copy of The Butterfly Effect! Plus, the original novel was written by a woman. How much money do you wanna bet that it's a blubbering drama?)

-The Post Grad Survival Guide (sexual situation-based comedy about a college grad who returns home and walks nose-first into the iron post of adult life along with a family of crazy stereotypes. Probably narrated in the first person. Unimaginative, seen it, boring ad infinitum)

-Inglorious Bastards (a movie about a mass collision of the French resistance, German officials and Americans soldiers in a Nazi-conquered France. It's described as a "war-action-comedy", and it's made by none other than Quentin "I'm-completely-fuckin'-apeshit" Tarantino. I usually like his movies, so I'll probably take a look, but I'm not setting my hopes up too high... it's a remake)

-The Boat That Rocked (a comedy about four radio DJ stereotypes set in the 60's... doesn't sound particularly interesting up first, but since it is an interesting decade for music, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. I didn't like the "rated R for sexual content" reference, those are usually comedies based on naked situations in front of important people, and those don't really... float my boat)

-Final Destination: Death Trip 3D (in the name of crow and all things sacred, another one?! Let me tell you something... as a horror movie enthusiast I've seen all three Final Destination, and I have this to say about them all: good concept, shitty actors, poor delivery. Now they're putting it in 3D, which is like adding a spoonful of battery acid to an already pretty acidic pot of bile. I don't think I'll be caught dead watching this one, even if I am saved from Death sometime during the end of August!)

My Complaints about 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'

Alright folks. I went to the theatre a couple of hours ago to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine... and I swear to crow I tried to be as open-minded and impartial as possible when judging it, because I've been in the business for a while now and I know this sort of adaptation is never done right. I tried to put aside my usual flaming. I tried to forget this was made by a director with no relevant previous experience, and written by two bozos: one responsible for Troy (2004) and the other for Swordfish (2001), movies respectively with too many characters for its length and a stupid ending twist. And I actually liked Swordfish, I just thought the ending was bullshit and anyone who hires John Travolta for anything at this point has taken one too many snorts of cocaine. I tried to forget that I have followed in the canuck's footsteps since I was six and know him almost as well as I do myself. Seriously. I tried.

But, as usual... there are things I just cannot forgive. Because they aren't logical, or because they mean character destruction. While I wasn't thinking of doing an organized review to the movie without seeing it at least once more, I did write a list of complaints while waiting for my bus back home. As such, here they are: be warned, they have a SPOILER laced skeleton. Here they are, the picky ones and the justified ones, in no particular order:

• Victor Creed (Sabretooth) is not Wolverine's brother. Marvel once made us believe they were father and son, respectively, but that's bullshit too. According to the versions made canon, they are half-nephew and half-uncle. Wolverine was a half-brother to Sabretooth's would-be father, Dog, as seen on Origin.
• Wolverine and Sabretooth were in the Spanish Civil War together and later on a special team along David North (Maverick) and John Wraith (codename Wraith, not Spectre). That's from where they know each other. There is no indication they'd ever met before that period.
  
• Wade Wilson was not part of the original team in which Wolverine and Sabretooth were featured. He was a regular joe dying of skin cancer in a medical research centre paralel to the Weapon X Project, where a fake healing factor was introduced to attempt to save him. He is not a mutant and after the healing factor was implanted on him, he became a mercenary rather than a soldier.
• Chris Bradley, a.k.a. Bolt, was also never in the aforementioned team. He was an X-Men for a brief period and is much younger than any of the people in that team. His powers include absorbing and channeling energy. He does not make electricity out of the blue. He did know Maverick and idolized him, but that was about it.
  
• The guy known as agent Zero is in fact Maverick. He is not Korean. Few have ever seen his face.
  
• The girl known as Kayla is a Blackfoot Indian called Silver Fox. In a fake memory implanted by the Weapon X Project, she and Wolverine had a relationship until she was murdered by Sabretooth. She never died, however, and later became leader of the Hydra. Her sister is not Emma Frost.
• Wolverine could tell a fake dead from a real dead easily through scent. He can tell a killing injury from a faked one, we've seen him do that. He would not buy near-dead Kayla: let's not forget heightened senses when it's convenient. Even if I want to believe he bought it due to stress and lack of experience, I can't: he's been in several wars, he knows the dead from the living!
  
• I have never seen accounts that Wolverine was in the war between North and South states. He was in both World Wars, the Spanish Civil War, (some say Cold War as well) Vietnam and several galactic conflicts. It feels like they tried to cram as many wars under his belt as possible. If someone, however, can point me in the direction of canon participation in this one so I can alter my resume, I'd be very thankful.
  
• Wolverine cannot in any way have a fear of flying. He belonged to a Canadian parachute division in WWII.
  
• Fred Dukes (Blob) never worked with Wolverine. He is a member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Mystique's and Magneto's troup of goons.
  
• At the time of the Weapon X Project, if Scott Summers was already alive, he was wearing diapers. Emma Frost cannot in any way be much older than him. And before she joined the X-Men, she was the White Queen of the Hellfire Club.
  
• The only thing that can cut a diamond is another diamond. Adamantium cannot be cut by adamantium, or Wolverine would be able to chop off his own claws at will. There is no way that bullet could even make a dent on Wolverine's skull - and check it out, precisely in the same place where Wolverine got shot in the first X-Men movie so the bullet could hit him! What are the odds?! That was the most half-assed way I could picture Wolverine losing his memory.
• Three Mile Isle that ain't. If something, it's Genosha. It's off the coast of Africa and not in the middle of America.
  
• What the fuck happens in this movie? Anyone freely walks in and out of everywhere, no guards, no problems... Wolverine walks inside the operation room where they are finishing up would-be Deadpool, and back out, nobody stops him? He walks right out the door after the adamantium is placed on his skeleton, nobody stops him either? Don't tell me the budget wasn't enough to hire a few fake soldiers or guards that could be photoshopped into hundreds... because canonly, when Wolverine left the Weapon X facility, he left a massacre behind...
• They also seem to have gotten lazy with the claw props. Because while in the first X-Men the claws looked real, in this they look like CGI. As do, in fact, half the shit we see. In X-Men, things were believable. Now check out the bathroom scene and tell me those look even belivably real to you.
  
• Wolverine has gone through a total of 2 canon memory repressions, that I know of (considering the Logan miniseries, three). One happened when he was about ten and he did it on his own to forget the death of his father and general bloodbath in the Howlett estate, as featured in Origin, after which he went by the name of Logan. This is not pictured in the movie. The second was arranged by the Weapon X Project. So I can see the second (a half-assed adaptation) but... where's the first?
• Logan only got the codename Wolverine after joining Department H and the Alpha Flight. It was also there he got his original costume. Before that, he was known as Weapon X.
  
• Anyone who takes the mouth out of Deadpool kills the character, and deserves to be shot with nerf down the throat until suffocation occurs.
  
• Deadpool brings his own katana swords from home. He doesn't pull them out of his arms a la Wolverine.
• Deadpool does not have murderous energy blasts from his eyes. In fact, even if he did, once he was dead, they would go off: your body shuts down seconds after the head is severed. One of the most stupid ways to destroy a green screen set I have ever seen.
  
• Deadpool does not teleport like John Wraith. The only powers Deadpool has is a very fast healing factor (implanted, not natural) and the ability to change his mind every 6 seconds (consequence of way too fast cell renewal). In the movie, he is called Deadpool because other mutant powers were "pooled" up on him. In the canon version, he is called Deadpool because he was the top man in the "cesspool": he made it out of deadly skin cancer to become the most annoying merc in existence. Could nobody come up with a better "final boss" for the movie? May I suggest Ferro? Scylla? Stryker? Or maybe stop trying to cram so much useless information, characters and storylines in one movie and get to what we came here to see? Fuck these screenwriters.
  
• Even if I want to place this movie with the X-Men trilogy as a separate setting from the Marvel universe, I cannot. Wolverine saved what would become the first members of the Charles Xavier School from the facility. So... did nobody mention they were released by a hairy, clawed mutant? None of those kids was in school to recognize him later on? If Xavier picked up Scott Summers inside, he didn't pick up or know of Wolverine's presence? How can he be a complete mystery on the first X-Men?
  

Weekdays and Weekends

When you're younger, you tend to loathe whatever day shit usually happens in. If on Wednesdays and Fridays they lock you in a room and force you to learn Maths, and you happen to hate Maths, you will naturally despise Wednesdays (but not Fridays. Nobody ever dislikes Fridays.) In fact, when you're a kid, the good days are weekends. Everything else sucks, but there's a couple of days in which you can do whatever you want to, with some luck, without anyone bugging you.

As you get older, however, you start perceiving that Life (or at least 99.9% of lives) is one long chain of suck. And you also realize not all days are created equal. No, each day has its own putrid personality and throw-up taste, like the many children of Bowser. In some particularly sucky lives, even weekends are stripped out of their good status.

So for those who still believe every day is the same, here is a round-up of a regular week as people like me see it. Keep in mind I am assuming a weekend is still a weekend. If your free day is one of the others, please read it accordingly.

-- Monday --

Origins - in English, the noun Monday comes from Old English mondaeg, meaning "day of the Moon". Several cultures seem to go by this definition. It is understood by several religions as a day for fasting: this being, not eating some things, or anything at all. Boy, Mondays in the old ages should suck even harder, huh? Boomtown Rats made public that all Mondays suck with their song I Don't Like Mondays in 1979.
Why it Sucks - why doesn't it? It's an accursed day devoted to Murphy and his gremlins. This is the day in which you go back to your bullshit life after a short period of rest. It's the beginning of the week, in which everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere or get something done. And since everyone is in a hurry, everyone takes the car to work: instant traffic jam. There are also very few students who have just a couple classes on a Monday, they're usually packed, and public transportation becomes a nightmare. People are always angry about something on Monday, even if it's just the fact they have nothing to do. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you know Monday sucks.
The Silver Lining - it only lasts for 24 hours.
How to Deal With It - if you can arrange things so that you can stay in bed all day, do so. It helps minimize damage. Get yourself a snack, turn off the cellphone and go back to bed. If you really must up and out like most of us, put on your headphones, grit your teeth, say a prayer and hang on.

-- Tuesday --

Origins - the original term, tiwesdaeg, comes from Middle English. It was named after the Norse god Tyr, the Viking god of war. In Latin, the origin is Mars' day. Apparently Tuesdays are dedicated to St John the Baptist in the Eastern Orthodox Church. For Greeks, this is as unlucky as a Monday, since Constantinople fell on a Tuesday. In Spain it's bad as well, they even have a saying about being bad to begin a journey or get married on Tuesdays.
Why it Sucks - by proxy. It's too close to Monday to be comfortable. Whatever happened on Monday and didn't get solved immediately will follow you here. For example, if you happen to get a letter on Monday about your favorite uncle dying or your car insurance being canceled, you'll have to go solve it the following day: Tuesday.
The Silver Lining - hopefully, whatever followed you here from Monday will be solved and can begin being forgotten on Tuesday, not dragging down the week.
How to Deal With It - attempt to solve whatever followed you from Monday on Tuesday! Don't let it stink up the rest of your week! If possible, have everything solved on the very Monday when it happens! Do not, under any circumstance, get married or travel. I think the Spanish are onto something.

-- Wednesday --

Origins - again, borrowed from an Anglo-Saxon God: Woden. The original was wednes dei. It also comes from Ooinsdagr of the Norse tradition, as the day dedicated to Odin. In Latin, the name comes from the god Mercury. In some religions, this is also a fasting (or starving) day. An American English idiom refers to it as "hump day", because it's situated in the middle of the week, so the work done on a Wednesday is referred to as "going over the hump". Winnie the Pooh thinks this is a day that brings bad weather: "Winds-day". It's the name of the daughter of the Addams Family for some reason I can't ascertain.
Why it Sucks - because it's "hump day". It's the middle of the week. Imagine yourself going over the top peak of a mountain of crap. That's exactly how the Wednesday is. It slows down. I can't believe a Wednesday is made of the usual 24 hours. There is some more time to it, I am sure. From here on there's only one thing on your mind: the weekend. And this day is dedicated to keeping you for as long as it can on your way there. Things don't happen on Wednesdays: they drag. Forget the hump metaphor: it's the armpit of the week!
The Silver Lining - you only have 48 hours to go by midnight for the weekend to arrive.
How to Deal With It - make coffee extra strong. Don't listen to slows, blues or ballads. Watch an action movie, run your way to the bus stop, jump in place every time you go to the bathroom. Drink a Red Bull or any sports drink. Don't let yourself be slowed down any more than needed be.

-- Thursday --

Origins - can you guess? Norse mythology at its best: Þorsdagr, the day dedicated to the god Thor. In Latin, Iovis Dies, the day dedicated to Jupiter. Douglas Adams writes in his A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that the Earth is destroyed by aliens on a Thursday. According to Breakfast at Tiffany's, Thursday is gruesome. Nostradamus says the Antichrist takes Thursday as its holy day. It's looking well from here alone, huh? The only positive things I found about it were that Thanksgiving is celebrated on a Thursday and since Fridays are days with fewer classes for college students, Thursdays are good for partying, and referred to as "thirstdays".
Why it Sucks - read above. It's an evil fuckin' day. It congregates the Monday shit and the Wednesday slow in one big pile of fail. Something will happen on Thursday to screw you up on Friday or over the weekend, the dead uncle from before being a very good possibility. Picking up the hump metaphor, imagine you just crossed the peak and are headed down. Chances are that the momentum you built up on the climb will toss you down the mountain, tumbling and rolling and cursing. Right after the slow, comes the fast: everyone wants to get everything done before Friday, can't have anything to do on Friday night, get everything solved before Friday so we can ease ourselves down into the weekend! I was born on a Thursday and I'm completely convinced I will die on a Thursday. In fact, I believe life on Earth will be extinguished in one lousy Thursday right after someone says "fuck this". The good thing is, after the two-day hangover from Monday, this is the day in which you are slowly going back to your regular self.
The Silver Lining - movies are usually released on Thursdays, so you can browse what's on in case you plan on watching something the following day.
How to Deal With It - avoid problems. Especially long-lasting problems. And repeat this mantra throughout your day: "Only one day to go. Only one day to go."

-- Friday --

Origins - for the Norse, frigedaeg was the day dedicated to Frige or Freiya, gods of love. In Latin, it was consecrated to Venus. Again, some people consider Fridays to be bad, especially seafaring people, who think it's bad to be in the middle of a journey on Fridays. Still, most people only consider it unlucky if it falls on the 13th of the month. Some religions forbid the consume of meat on Fridays, so Friday is fish day. Some offices have a Casual Friday - the weekday in which workers are allowed to come to work in slacks and a t-shirt to ease off the stress of the week. Doesn't it sound so much better than Thursdays?
Why it Sucks - mostly, it doesn't. Still, you are gonna get traffic jams all the same: people wanna hurry up home from work so, once again, every bastard who owns a car brings it out to the streets. You are exhausted from the hardships of the week and completely drained, but there's still a glint of life in you, the one you're gonna take to the party or the relaxation time after dinner. If your work wasn't done by Thursday, however, this is gonna be another hurry-up day, a stress-filled day. And you also have the anticipation: you want that clock to mark six, seven, whatever your hour is for dropping everything and moving on to the weekend. A watched pot never boils, so you're gonna feel like time doesn't go. In schools, it is the day in which teachers love to send homework - something to keep students busy during the weekend, you know? Pricks.
The Silver Lining - once you leave your school or work, it's weekend.
How to Deal With It - tie up all loose ends. Calm down. Try to slide past your Friday with as much ease as possible. When the time comes to leave work or school, chill. Find a bar. Go to a party. Have a drink with the guys. Fire up the console. Stay online until 4 in the AM. Have fun.

-- Saturday --

Origins - dedicated to Saturn, saeternesdaeg. In the Catholic church, it's the day in which you pray for the dead, because it was on a Saturday that Jesus lay dead on a tomb. In the Norse culture, it was the Viking day for bathing, from the Scandinavian Lördag, "bath day". It is the second day of Jewish Shabbath, and most names derivate from that word. On Saturday morning, most channels air cartoons, so it's kid's time. Saturday Night Live is on, as well as several comedy TV shows, and unless you have something better to do, Saturday night is party night, as observed by the movie Saturday Night Fever (1977). Folklore tells us Saturdays are favored days to hunt vampires, as they're restricted to their coffins on this day, and people born on Saturdays could easily see vampires when they were otherwise invisible.
Why it Sucks - you know what I like to call Saturday? Hangover and High Roleplay Day. My party night is Friday, so I'm gonna spend most of my day in bed sick. If I can't go out, I'll be playing D&D or online for a longer period than usual, so that's good too, but I'm still gonna be sleepy all the time on a Saturday. But it's worth it, isn't it? It's your free time, and you don't wanna lose a second of it. Still, if you have nothing to do, it can be the most boring day of the week...
The Silver Lining - the week's over.
How to Deal With It - go crazy. Do everything you want. Don't let boredom take you: pick up a game, go out with the friends, watch a movie, blog, celebrate, bring down the bloody house!

-- Sunday --

Origins - oh, hard. It's the "day of the Sun", of course. Many cultures understand Sunday as the first day of the week rather than the last, I don't like that, I'd rather have my weekend paired up. It's the day of sports events, big and colored comic strips on the newspaper and special dishes on many restaurants.
Why it Sucks - again: by proxy. Anything that is close to a Monday gets spoiled, you notice? Sunday is a sad day... it's your last day of rest before some more bullshit. And if you're a Saturday Night person, you're a Hungover Sunday one too.
The Silver Lining - still 24 hours to do whatever the fuck you want to do...
How to Deal With It - enjoy it to the max. Don't let yourself say the words "Shit, tomorrow I have to go back to work".

Mandatory Valentine's Day Post

There is no holiday I hate like Christmas. Christmas makes me spew out some of the worst, blackest, most violent hatred I have ever experienced in my life. And then there are other holidays and events which, while not making me as irritated as Christmas, do contribute to my blood pressure sky-rocketing up the roof and right into my 3rd story neighbor's nostril. One such, is St. Valentine's Day.

Now before I get my regular, annual dose of bullshit from people who think I hate this occasion over not having held a boyfriend or lover for the past seven or so years, let me explain the why I don't like it. First and foremost, let's see what I dislike about it. What do you think of when you think of St. Valentine's Day, other than the lovers part? Doves (which are a feather or so away from being pigeons, those crow-damned airborne rats, nature's inspiration for the human bombardier). Cupid (you do realize this "God of Love" is usually depicted as a baby... yeah. Greeks had a lot of shit like that. With the growing concern over pedophilia, I'm surprise nobody else saw this one yet). Hearts (the only places where I actually like them is on my dish, in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and on a deck of cards). Chocolates (allergic to the best part of them). Greeting cards (impersonal, corporized, I send them to the recycling bin as soon as I read them, fuck Hallmark). Roses (which actually make me laugh because I know a guy who once talked his way into purchasing a whole lot of them for a few cents). Teddy bears (I had a lot of stuffed animals when I was a kid. Half a ton. I even owned a stuffed Gizmo from the movie Gremlins (1984). But I never owned a teddy bear. I actively dislike teddy bears. I can't picture a reason why anyone would like teddy bears. I wish teddy bears would go extinct). Flashy underwear (really? How about no underwear? Wouldn't that be more representative of "Lover's Day"?). The color red (...okay, this one is nice). The color pink (SWEET MUSTAKRAKISH UNLEASHED!!). Now... if I don't care or can't partake of the majority of things associated with it, how can I like the holiday? Bingo.

And now the Wikipedia bit that supposedly explains the origin of this holiday. Most people associate it with two Catholic martyrs (here's yet another reason why I don't celebrate it: it doesn't belong to my religion) called Valentine, but someone decided this was more interesting:

the holiday originates from the story of Saint Valentine, who upon rejection by his mistress was so heartbroken that he took a knife to his chest and sent her his still-beating heart as a token of his undying love for her. Hence, heart-shaped cards are now sent as a tribute to his overwhelming passion and suffering.

... pretty freakin' sweet, huh? Someone is trying to turn the holiday into a scene right out of Edgar Alan Poe! Let me tell you something, if there was a way to prove this was accurately how the holiday came to be (including the part about the heart beating by the time it reached the mistress), I could give a celebration some thought... Van Gogh had nothing on this guy, sending an ear. And what about all the pussies who send heart-shaped cards? You ain't man enough for Saint Valentine! Saint Valentine is the Chuck Norris of the Dark Ages!

St Valentine's Day can also be a major cause of divorce. In my household, it was just one more occasion where Pops would forget to buy a gift and Mum would be pissed. I don't see why, frankly. It's nice, I admit, to get a gift in St Valentine's, just like it's nice to eat great food at Christmas, but I don't think I'd hold it against anyone. Personally, I'm much happier to get flowers on any given day the other part remembered me, even if it's for no reason at all. In my brother's school they do the same as they did on mine: flower sales and a Valentine's Day mail. Ah, Valentine's Day mail. How I loathed that bullshit. Some of the older students would come to our classroom, interrupt the class and deliver cards and letters that had been put in a cardboard box a few days before. Afterwards, the class would never concentrate again and it was Hellish being there. As a plus, I'd always get a letter sent for chuckles. When the laughter began on the back rows of the classroom, I knew I'd better not even read.

In conclusion, here's what I'll be doing on St. Valentine's Day. First, I'm gonna buy me a nice supply of beer or any other alcoholic beverage of my choice. Then, I'm gonna find me a supply of smokes. Then I'll vacuum my bedroom, download a shitload of b-series horror films and watch as many as I can. I'll attend a birthday party. If I have the time afterwards, I'll go do some of those things which I keep postponing. Like browsing my copy of Othello for the lines about the drunk, download Twin Peaks, sort out my earrings, put some order on my D&D books and sources folder, find the number of Gen13 I'm missing or write a comprehensive analysis of the movie Meet the Feebles, or as I like to call it, Muppets on Crack.