#10. The Enrollment Crap
Enrollment is always a pain in the ass. It doesn't matter if you're in the kiddie grade, highschool, or college, it's all the same: half a crowload of paperwork to fill in, which most of the times needs a manual to be completed. Data nobody cares about anymore, and which you have to search low and high around your house to find, like vaccine bulletins. If some kids get their vaccines at school, why don't they all? In kiddie grade they forced us to wash our teeth in the classroom four times a week, I'm sure providing vaccines for kids once a bloody year shouldn't be that hard either.Then when everything's done, it's a three-hour wait in a line or inside a room prepared for the "event", with your folks or without them, so you can be taken to a room like sheep where they tell you some extra-curricular shit isn't available, or that your papers got filled wrong, or that the language option you chose isn't being taught in this school. For three consecutive years I enrolled in Spanish, and they always sent me to German. I also enrolled in English on my last year, because it was actually a college requirement. Since they didn't have enough students for it, they sent me to Psychology instead, so I had to make an extra exam at the end of my year. Bullshit! It was something easy to pull, but imagine if it had been Philosophy? Or Chemistry? Or another of those ass-hard subjects you can't pull without help unless you're a freakin' genius and can do self-learning?
Finally, you get all your papers signed and stamped, and you're off on your merry way. Your parents lost a day's pay to be with you in some cases, you lost a shitload of time needlessly, probably skipping a meal in the process (whenever I needed to enroll, I usually skipped lunch to be on the motherfuckin' line), and you got bored to tears. A great start for the upcoming year.
Why don't they simplify this? Do you really need to fill all your data every school year? I'm pretty sure my birthday didn't change, neither did my name, and probably neither did my bloodtype, my allergies, my parents' names, the school I went to last year, the grade I was in last year, my ID number, my tax payer number or my crow-damned gender. The only things that are likely to be altered are my address and phone number, perhaps the name of my caretaker, and my height and weight. That's it. You can use the same data, and only start fumbling around it if any of it has changed! Is it that hard?
Also, what is this bullshit about not being accepted at a given school if there's one closer to your place? If they still have vacancies, what do they care if I take an hour and a half to get to school? If I don't wanna go to the one near me, there's probably a very good reason... like it being just beside a drug ghetto. And since we're at it, what kind of mob do teachers run in there, that they always ask if I have siblings in the same school? Are they trying to control my family's comings and goings? Are they going to compare grades? Isn't parental pressure enough? I'm glad my brother was always six grades behind me, I don't need old hags comparing our school performance. My grandma can do it herself and we keep shit in the household.
#9. School Transportation
Possibly only appliable to the kiddie grade. Still, some schools provided transportation for those who can pay the extra fee. I only had a bus to take me to school during the year I spent in preschool, and it was enough.
Have you seen how people driving school transportation behave? They're lunatics! They have a bus packed full of kids and forget to signal left and right? I once saw one of these who was missing lights in the back. It's an accident waiting to happen! Plus, inside, it's not all that great either. I once went on a schooltrip sitting next to a stupid kid who shat himself. Think anyone stopped the bus and did something about it? The Hell they did!
Also, what is it with kids who are old enough to go to school on their own having a bus to get them there? Are all the parents so busy they cannot give away an hour to carpool kids to the school? I started going to school on foot when I was in the kiddie grade, it was a half an hour walk, and I did it back and forth every day. Everyone is hollering about child obesity these days, but still send kids to school on a bus? Have them do what most of us did: walk to school, ride a bike to school, or run for the public bus. Why can't a skater kid ride his skate to school? Most parents are afraid kids will get mugged, kidnapped or ran over. Well, my friends, kids are only ran over if they're idiots, and try to ride the bike or skate their way into the road, or not wait for the sign, or run in front of the cars. I never once heard a story about a kid getting ran over while sticking to the sidewalk and minding the comings and goings of cars when they had to cross. Most of them were jaywalking, or trying to be Indiana Jones. As for muggings and kidnappings, nobody will assault a kid going to school if he's in a group, or in a busy street, I can assure you. And if you're so worried, why don't you pick him up from school? My Mum was a busy person, she still managed to come pick me up at school. I often had to wait for her, but that's the price I pay for the previlege of not having to walk!
#8. The School Track
The school track and I have had our issues on every school I went to. I didn't like it, and it didn't like me. I hated PE in general, so the school track looming from behind the school fence always brought memories of teachers thinking they're Sgt. Hartman in FullMetal Jacket, of running like an asshole for a team that didn't give a shit wether you're there or not, of falling, of getting hit by baseballs and of being failed eventhough you try your best to pull a passing grade. I hated my school tracks especially until my late years in highschool, because they were all made out of tar and rocks. That's right, rocks. Imagine trying to do push-ups on gravel and you have an idea of how it felt. Imagine, too, falling down on it. Imagine your ripped trousers and bleeding elbows. That track wasn't gonna make it easy for you in any way: you fall on your face, your nose gets ripped half off your face, period!
Then on the late highschool, they decided to change the tar track for a rubber one. Even worse. Everytime it rained, the field seemed to be made out of a thin layer of tire rubber and butter. You'd fall on your ass faster than you could say Jack Robbins. It wasn't so bad because the teachers knew about this, so now everytime we had a wet track, there would be no PE class. Exhuberance!
#7. Tolerance at the Bell
This was awesome, until some smartasses decided to ruin it for the rest of us. The bell rings. You've just gotten a hold of your snack, or are running late. No problem: there's a fifteen minute tolerance at the bell. Bullshit.
First and foremost, not all teachers will respect the tolerance. Most likely, if you're not in the room and sitting down by the time they begin calling names, they'll assume you're not coming. And even if you go in the room late and explain your mishap to the teacher, you're likely to be allowed to assist the class, but the attendance flaw won't come out of the book. You know what really grinds their gears in these situations? If you say since you have an attendance flaw already, you might as well go outside and finish your snack. And leave. It will piss them off then, and everytime they lay their eyes on your again.
So teachers sometimes won't respect the tolerance. Why do they tell us there is one in the first place then? Well, that's one of the great mysteries of the world. In college, there is no tolerance, you don't sign the presence sheet, your problem. You can even ask someone to sign it for you, so what's the point anyway? We're old enough to know what happens if we'd rather be on the bar discussing interesting stuff, than going to bore ourselves in class for two hours. I've held more interesting chats on philosophy, great authors and theory of literature sitting at the college bar, than inside any classroom I was ever in.
Furthermore, the tolerance was ruined by kids. I had people saying "What's that? The bell? Ah fuck it, we have ten minutes, let's hit the chocolate bar machine." So if these lame-asses start using tolerance as extra recess, of course eventually the teachers get around to stop believing you when you say you were late because you had to go buy your lunch ticket. Lesson about the real world: there's an idiot in every corner and whatever he's doing will eventually fall on your lap as well.
#6. Personnel who Doesn't Give a Shit
Ah, man. The school personnel. A group of middle-aged to old hags who can't see you having fun. Plus the two or three guys in charge of the heavy work, like sprinkling the grass with a waterhose, fixing doors, killing cockroaches and minding the entry gate. There's one or two of these in every school, loitering about. In my school, the man was drunk as a fish any hour after lunch, and rendered useless.
Sometimes you find personnel who is kinda nice. They let you inside the classroom early if it's raining, provided you don't mess about. They allow you to walk in if you forgot your school card, since they see you everyday and know you attend school there. One or two might even let you sneak into the can during class without going after you to see that you're not texting someone instead of pissing.
Then you get the real temperamental people, the menopausal bitches, the ones going through all sorts of age-transition crisis and (as previously stated), the drunk ones that couldn't care less. These are the fuckers to whom you give your valuables during PE, for them to store in a drawer that's not even locked while they go to the cafeteria to flirt with the lunch lady and have coffee. These are the ones who never ask for the card at the gate, so everyone and his uncle can enter, regardless of age. Even worse, we had a gentleman who would only ask the cards from caucasian kids, because he was afraid everyone else would kick his old ass if he did. These are the ones who yell at you that there'll be no running in the hallways, even as you're walking towards your classroom. Lady, I hear that shit everyday, I am aware there's no running in the hallways, I'm not running, what's your effin problem? What is this shit, mind reading? I would like very much to run to my class, since I'm running late and the asses I study with already ruined the tolerance, but so as not to hear your screeching voice yelling at me and threatening you'll call the drunk janitor to escort me, I'm walking. Leave kids the fuck alone!
#5. School Showers
Oh man. More ghosts from PE class. If you have PE early in the morn, you're gonna have to shower in the school. I only tried once. Then I decided a heavy layer of deodorant would have to do, because there was no way I was gonna drag my tired hide from the gravel track and onto that Hellish place.
School showers have no curtains. Or doors. Anyone is free to roam anywhere. And if you're pranked by your fellow colleagues (and I was), you're likely to get your clothes stolen. While you're standing there taking your shower, the windows can be opened, and a current of cold air will likely give you pneumonia. The door is also unlocked, so the old hag can wander in anytime she wants to. And on a top ten list people you don't want to be seen naked by, the school hag probably hits the top. More serious, is the lack of hygiene in that place. Teachers told us to shower in flip-flops. So... the school budget wasn't enough to buy a good batch of bleach? Or a disinfectant? This is the sort of warning you get in public pools. Plus if they asked for a list of our ailments at the enrollment, how come they're not aware some kids are prone to contagious shit?
One more issue concerning school showering. Cold. Fuckin'. Water. The first year I was in a school with showers, the teacher was really keen on us taking a bath there... only crow knows why, because it was creepy as fuck. When I said I wasn't very inclined to do so, he answered, "Why? We have hot water..." So I went ahead and tried.
Bullshit. They have hot water my ass. You know how they have it? They have it for the first ten or twenty kids. If you're not one of the lucky ones, you're taking a cold shower. I've taken cold showers too, in Summer, when it's too hot for words. Or whenever I couldn't pay my gas bill for a while. But on a weekly basis at school? Get outta here.
#4. Teachers Who Aren't
So you've just graduated. You think to yourself you got rid of school. Once and for all, right? Well sure if you find a job immediately. If not... you'll have to go teach. Nowadays, it's hard to find these good people who will teach because they couldn't find anything else to do, seeing as there are too many teachers. Still, we have a lot of cases. (And why do we? Why are people teaching, that aren't teachers, if there are teachers to be employed? I don't get this...)
We could spot those who weren't really teachers easily. I had a Chemistry guy who'd rather be discussing yesterday's soccer match than explain the formulas to us. He taught Chemistry at college level... to highschool kids. Another such was a Geography major who was assigned to teach History to us. She spoke a lot of fashion in the several time periods, but when it came to the First World War, disaster stroke, because the lady knew as much of it as I do of oriental rugs. Probably even less. And last but not least, the young woman who came from far the fuck away to teach us Portuguese Literature. A Literature major in fact. She couldn't teach that class. She couldn't control a regular classroom if her life depended on it. And she didn't give a fuck, really. During tests, I had three people getting up from their tables and copying from me under her eyes. She didn't give a shit and passed them all. What the fuck is wrong with her?! She blind or something?
Overall, they were in it for the paycheck. We could all fail the subject for all they cared. And if they actually cared, they couldn't control the classroom. Fuck this, employ teachers, not biology engineers, failed writers and people from a completely different area!
#3. Group Assignments
These were death. Whenever the teacher said "Form a group..." I hung my head in despair and immediately asked if I could work on my own. The usual answer was no. And this shit followed me all the way up to college. You know what's supposed to happen when you work in groups? Everyone researches and gathers on a daily basis and makes every effort to make the best assignment possible regarding everyone's skill and knowledge. You know what actually happened when you worked in groups? One or two guys ended up doing all the work, and the rest of them did minor tasks, and received a good grade nonetheless.
There are two reasons why teachers choose group assignments. Three, actually, but I'm not counting the fact they might want us to socialize, because we know very well all the already defined friend groups would stick together, and the remaining parties would be bundled up and crow help us.
The first reason is that teachers have less to do when they have group assignments. Rather than reading 30 papers, they'll read 10. Well, to crow with that. Make smaller classes. Employ more teachers. You solve two problems in a row. Budget issues? Oppose to having the government build yet another soccer stadium and demand that cash will go to public schooling instead. Since when is a group assignment a good representative of 3 people's knowledge? Most of the groups I was paired with, were people who didn't want to do the assignment in the first place, not were they the least bit interested in getting it done. Teachers were well aware 70% of the final product was mine. How come all the other kids got the grade as well? It's not effin' fair.
The second reason is, if a teacher chooses pairings, he's hoping the kids who don't give a flying crow for the subject will somehow learn something from their peers. So they make sure to pair up one or two who teachers expect good assignments from, with two or three teachers know will flunk. Sometimes, this actually works. Very rarely. Most of the times, not only does the quality of the final product go down the drain, everyone in the group also gets upset in the process.
And here's another thing: I wanna be responsible at 100% for the outcome of my assignment. If I have a good grade, I want nobody else to be attributed the reward for my hard work. If I get a bad grade, I don't want anyone else getting it because I failed. These kids who anchor themselves to someone else's grade will grow up to be the guys in the office, or the shop, or the other side of the line, who also anchor themselves to other people's work. And who never had to work hard to make something out of their shit. They're the public loafers on every business, they're likely to get fired as soon as they need to work on their own and end up milking out the government, their friends and the relatives because they never got used to be responsible for their own shit!
#2. Cafeteria Lunches
This is the same in several places, not just schools. Anyone who ever had to eat at a canteen knows their meals suck. They're poorly conceived, poorly cooked and poorly served, and you're often better off giving away the 2 or 3 extra euros for a meal at a restaurant, or bringing your lunch from home, than eating at the cafeteria.
Where do I begin? How about the fact the lunch ladies handle both bread and their hankies with the same gloves? Or the fact the food has been seasoned heavily so we won't notice it's way overdue? How about potatoes that taste like nothing and meat that tastes like part of the running track? How about instant juice that's more water than juice? Or rice that you could use in art class for clay and pasta that actually sticks together? And why the fuck don't they serve coffee, tea or anything that doesn't look and smell like it was recycled from yesterday?
Don't give me any caffeine bullshit either. If they serve Pepsi, they might as well give me an expresso or two.
Then you have the alternatives, all highly fattening and not so good either. Unless it was wrapped or canned, you wouldn't wanna eat it. Some exceptions did arise, though: I went to a school where the sandwiches were very recommendable. More so during the "health week", when it was about the only time you saw a lettuce that actually looked fresh. I always had lunch at home, no matter how long the wait for the bus was or how tiring it was to walk all the way back. They wouldn't catch me eating at the cafeteria again for shit.
#1. Folk Dancing
If you live outside Europe you probably didn't have to go through this, but folk dancing is part of the curricular activities. Usually, of course, in the PE class. You could choose from two major sports other than track (often soccer and voleyball... I always wanted handball but go figure...) and either folk dancing, aerobics or any other form of child abuse of the sort.
Why did I hate folk dancing and why must it be stopped? Give me a good reason why not. You won't outlive being paired with a guy a palm shorter than you, and prancing about while some old-ass song plays. You won't outlive the clapping, the tip-toeing, the twirls and all the Muppet-like steps and gestures associated with folk dancing of any kind. And if this wasn't enough to make you uncomfortable and feeling like an idiot, keep in mind a lot of people from other classes will be attracted by the songs playing in the back of the showers. And if this still isn't enough, remember you'll need to dance with a colleague who's as uncomfortable as you and just wants to get the fuck outta there. And if this isn't enough, you're gonna be graded for your performance. Still don't hate it? In our class, the teacher filmed us so he could evaluate us later on. The man has us prancing like jackasses on tape.
Oh, you have other sort of dancing? Guess what, so did we. We had cha-cha one year. Anyone who ever tried to do the cha-cha knows it's a fiendish form of movement that should have been banned about half an hour after it was invented. If you don't think so, take a closer look. Sure, it looks good when pro dancers do it. Now take a gander at 30 amateurs trying to pull this for a grade.
Tell me: have you ever, even once in your lifetime, applied knowledge of ballroom dancing or folk dancing? Not unless you're a professional dancer or ear-deep in local bullshit huh? My good people, nobody, anywhere, ever, still dances like this. Saturday Night Fever, this ain't. Unless you're going out to a club where people actually do this on purpose, like with the salsa bars, nobody ever does this shit. Not on weddings, not on clubs, not on friends' parties, not anywhere! Why is it so dire that we should learn it, that it is part of the standard curriculum?! By all means learn ballroom dancing and go prance somewhere far away from me but in the name of all that is holy, stop forcing us all to do it as well!
What's the usefulness in learning folk dances, I wonder. More than half of what you learn in school, you're never going to apply anyway, but this is ridiculous. You know what would be cool learning? How tax works, which I'm starting to think they don't teach because they don't know. Or how to fix wiring going batshit at your place. Or basic plumbing. Or how to effin' cook, or use a goddamn ironing board, or fill in a job application, or how to change a tire or how to do basic economics, because these are all things that sooner or later, you're gonna need to know!
Here's a good one. Why don't they teach us effin' Sex Ed since our parents won't? There's something you're surely gonna apply. Why don't they teach us how to use a condom, or the pros and cons of the pill, or the new contraceptives in the market that actually work? That'd be useful shit to learn. But no. Folk dances.
No comments:
Post a Comment