11 January 2010
24 December 2009
Seion's Letter to Santa 2009
Dear Santa,
Yeah, I'm sorta late this year. What with the moving, the working and the shitty connection that takes its time to upload what I write making typing these posts an inhuman form of suck, I'm afraid my usual letter was severely delayed.
You and I've always had a love/hate relationship, Santa. But I would like to say (without brown-nosing, mind you, since I've already got myself the Christmas gifts - spare you some time) that, as a professional, I sort of admire you. You've been working this lousy task for eons now, and hope to crow you won't lose it before retirement. Someone with your age and a resume that just won't stand on its own legs, you'll be in the unemployment lines forever.
I know why you'd want this task actually. The hours are awesome. You work one night as a deliveryman, and spend the rest of the year administrating a factory and doing mostly office work. But I know it's not easy. The way you carry, with the beard and flying around in the air, I'm surprised Americans haven't arrested you on terrorism charges. And you walk into little kids' rooms to give them toys and treats, it would be very likely they'd throw in some pedophilia just because. Your insurance on the sled must be a pain in the neck every year, plus reindeer feeding and vets (there's eight of them, after all...). You've been doing ads for over 30 years and never seen a red cent on that. With the poles melting up, you'll probably have to move your operation somewhere high like the Himalayas, and of movings I know...
Plus, what's with the kids these days huh? I remember being nine and asking you for a bucket full of Lego (which I still have, by the by, one of your best works by far, thank you), and now I see these brats asking for the Xbox 360, 3G cell phones, laptops and notebooks... you must be head over heels trying to hire any elves who know electronics. Or getting deeper and deeper into debt making partnership with all those companies. Is that why you're always wearing the same clothes, or is it a uniform sort of thing? This is why I sort of got my own Christmas gifts... a PS3 for me and my brother, new (secondhand) cell for me, another one (also secondhand) for Mum, furniture for the house and a lot of great food.
And now even the Catholic church wants a quarrel with you, I hear. They made an appeal for people to stop hanging Santa dolls out their windows. Instead, they're selling a red cloth with a naked baby Jesus (which is creepy like all Hell on their part) for €15 a piece for people to hang instead. I mean, come on! You buy a big one for €8 in any chinese store... I know it's mockery on your work to hang a Santa doll, but see things this way: this is the generation of Twitter, iPhones and mandatory ID chips for each and every dog. If you don't get some advertising, you're done. And I mean advertising for yourself. Not for all the crow-damn companies that keep featuring you in their publicity.
Speaking of which, even that got jaded this year, huh? Last year you were featured next to two smoking hot Christmas Mamas (Mrs. Clause must've been mad as a turkey, huh?). This year, you were featured in an ad in your underpants! What the Hell happened?
I know you're worried about your job, Santa. We all are. These are some seriously fucked up times. Maybe you should consider retiring - go to Bocca Ratan, get under the Sun, melt a pack of butter on your belly, take up bridge and pipe-smoking, the works... but hey, between you and me, it's one way to get out of the house when Mrs. Clause mentions the Christmas Mamas, even if just once a year. Who knows, maybe she'll be less of a stiff in Bocca. Consider it. With all the years you've been shoving money for social security, you're bound to get one awesome retirement fund.
Anyway - my Mum's sleeping on the living room, so if you do choose to drop in for a snack, take care not to wake her up. Beer's in the pantry, white wine in the fridge. Some shrimp leftovers and pudding are also in the fridge, I recommend both (the pudding, especially), and if you want something to go, there's a pack of chips somewhere in the kitchen. If you need coffee (and crow do you ever...) it's by the oven.
Cheers,
Seion
PS - I don't know if you had anything to do with my cat being found after 2 weeks lost. But if you did, it was the best Christmas present ever. Surpassed the Lego bucket by half a mile at the least.
PPS - Bring an extra jacket when flying around Western Europe. I'm pretty sure at this point we're getting as cold as the crow-damned Pole.
Yeah, I'm sorta late this year. What with the moving, the working and the shitty connection that takes its time to upload what I write making typing these posts an inhuman form of suck, I'm afraid my usual letter was severely delayed.
You and I've always had a love/hate relationship, Santa. But I would like to say (without brown-nosing, mind you, since I've already got myself the Christmas gifts - spare you some time) that, as a professional, I sort of admire you. You've been working this lousy task for eons now, and hope to crow you won't lose it before retirement. Someone with your age and a resume that just won't stand on its own legs, you'll be in the unemployment lines forever.
I know why you'd want this task actually. The hours are awesome. You work one night as a deliveryman, and spend the rest of the year administrating a factory and doing mostly office work. But I know it's not easy. The way you carry, with the beard and flying around in the air, I'm surprised Americans haven't arrested you on terrorism charges. And you walk into little kids' rooms to give them toys and treats, it would be very likely they'd throw in some pedophilia just because. Your insurance on the sled must be a pain in the neck every year, plus reindeer feeding and vets (there's eight of them, after all...). You've been doing ads for over 30 years and never seen a red cent on that. With the poles melting up, you'll probably have to move your operation somewhere high like the Himalayas, and of movings I know...
Plus, what's with the kids these days huh? I remember being nine and asking you for a bucket full of Lego (which I still have, by the by, one of your best works by far, thank you), and now I see these brats asking for the Xbox 360, 3G cell phones, laptops and notebooks... you must be head over heels trying to hire any elves who know electronics. Or getting deeper and deeper into debt making partnership with all those companies. Is that why you're always wearing the same clothes, or is it a uniform sort of thing? This is why I sort of got my own Christmas gifts... a PS3 for me and my brother, new (secondhand) cell for me, another one (also secondhand) for Mum, furniture for the house and a lot of great food.
And now even the Catholic church wants a quarrel with you, I hear. They made an appeal for people to stop hanging Santa dolls out their windows. Instead, they're selling a red cloth with a naked baby Jesus (which is creepy like all Hell on their part) for €15 a piece for people to hang instead. I mean, come on! You buy a big one for €8 in any chinese store... I know it's mockery on your work to hang a Santa doll, but see things this way: this is the generation of Twitter, iPhones and mandatory ID chips for each and every dog. If you don't get some advertising, you're done. And I mean advertising for yourself. Not for all the crow-damn companies that keep featuring you in their publicity.
Speaking of which, even that got jaded this year, huh? Last year you were featured next to two smoking hot Christmas Mamas (Mrs. Clause must've been mad as a turkey, huh?). This year, you were featured in an ad in your underpants! What the Hell happened?
I know you're worried about your job, Santa. We all are. These are some seriously fucked up times. Maybe you should consider retiring - go to Bocca Ratan, get under the Sun, melt a pack of butter on your belly, take up bridge and pipe-smoking, the works... but hey, between you and me, it's one way to get out of the house when Mrs. Clause mentions the Christmas Mamas, even if just once a year. Who knows, maybe she'll be less of a stiff in Bocca. Consider it. With all the years you've been shoving money for social security, you're bound to get one awesome retirement fund.
Anyway - my Mum's sleeping on the living room, so if you do choose to drop in for a snack, take care not to wake her up. Beer's in the pantry, white wine in the fridge. Some shrimp leftovers and pudding are also in the fridge, I recommend both (the pudding, especially), and if you want something to go, there's a pack of chips somewhere in the kitchen. If you need coffee (and crow do you ever...) it's by the oven.
Cheers,
Seion
PS - I don't know if you had anything to do with my cat being found after 2 weeks lost. But if you did, it was the best Christmas present ever. Surpassed the Lego bucket by half a mile at the least.
PPS - Bring an extra jacket when flying around Western Europe. I'm pretty sure at this point we're getting as cold as the crow-damned Pole.
30 November 2009
Weekly Log - 23 through 29
Monday Nov 23
Welcome to tension city, population me. Remember how I gotta be out of my place by the end of the month? Yeah, me too. And it's killing me since the walls aren't even painted yet! We bagged a shitload of things and started carrying them across the street, but there's still a lot to be moved, I don't have a closet, the house still needs a lot of work and I have no idea by which miracle I will pull this.I'm usually the queen of leaving at the last minute and still getting there on time. It's happened in the past to leave home at 07:38 for the 07:45 bus and make it, showered, dressed, with my face on and cursing like a sailor to whatever Gods will hear me, but still get to work on time. Crow knows I've pulled insane miracles in the past. Where I'll pull this one from and how much it'll hurt coming out, that's what I'm worried about. And they won't let me take days off from work, you know... in any circumstance. So even if I wanted to clear up a Friday to get shit done faster, no cigar. Shit creek. Paddle fell off about 3 miles of rapids ago.
I wrote down an agenda for the next few days, trying to get organized, but you know what's been said about the best laid plans of mice and men. And quoting René Artois in 'Allo 'Allo, "I think this plan was laid by a mouse".
On the work department... they gave me the briefing for a new survey campaign I'm supposed to begin in, as soon as they can find the error that's keeping me out of the program. This particular campaign scares me more than that scene in the made-for-TV version of Ju-On where there's a building littered with disturbing-sounding, white-clad, in serious need of a hairbrush ghost ladies. This is a survey meant for clients that have abandoned the bank and we wanna know why.
It's basically the telemarketing way of asking "Why don't you love me anymore?" and "Will you come back if I pleasure you with my mouth?"
I used to do something similar in another telemarketing gig. We called it SOS, likely because that's what operators wrote on the center windows once they knew they had to login to that campaign. It was shortly before I left the place, and contributed for a faster skedaddle on my part. That was, in short, the most miserable, heart and ear-wrecking, gut-turning, up-chucking, mind-blasting, mood-fucking, butt-raping experience I had in my professional life. And that's in short. Don't ask how it was in long.
For the moment, though, I'll be auditing. So maybe I can feel up the terrain before plunging in head first. Let's see how this one turns out.
Tuesday Nov 24
Tomorrow, I have a date with Pops to buy paint. Some furniture will have to wait and so will lamps. I think I might make it. It's a bad race and most of the other horses are ahead, but I think I can make it. Wednesday Nov 25
It never rains, but boy does it pour! Flooded streets, plus the usual motherfucker driver who runs right through the water puddles to get the people waiting at the bus stop soaked (how I wish I saw one of these slam into a post right after doing it...), wet from my knees down for the best part of my way back home. It's still my kind of weather.In the morning, I bought paint. Pops gave me and the cans a lift back, but didn't even enter the building to check the place. Not for lack of invitation form my part. Screw him.
Work = dull. No access yet, due to the same error, so I can't work. I spent my day doing e-Learning on money laundering and terrorism financing. Great. Yeah because Portugal may be hit with a terrorist attack, or house terrorists attacking other places! We're this big, important, worldwide potency and all! Get outta here... we're not even in allied relations with a big, important, worldwide potency. We're a few square miles of bullshit planted by the sea, with decent beaches, awesome food and old glories to our name, flag and hymn. And we're taking measures against terrorism because crow only knows what would happen if the Al-Qaeda got a hold of our codfish recipes!
That's like a mouse getting measures in case he ever gets attacked by a tiger.
Anyway, Al Capone coined the term "money laundering", and I'm a big fan of ol' Scarface, so I didn't mind much spending four hours of my existence on this Earth taking a course about how it's done. At least I'm not looking at center walls.
Since I got the paint, I also bought a new pair of boots. My old ones are great to wear while painting: they're old, worn out, in need of retirement. They've plenty of miles on their soles. And I found a decent pair at less than €20 a pair. Pretty nifty. Back in the day, I paid more for my old ones.
I also took care of my electricity bill. It's in my name now. Or at least, from now on.
Thursday Nov 26
Mum asked Pops the car, loaded it with a lot of stuff, her dog and a cat, and drove off to leave stuff on the South, and bring back a counter, a couch and two chairs we'll be using for the time being....I'm gonna miss my cat. I don't have the time or funds to keep them both... I had to choose one or the other. After a lot of hesitation, I picked Kafka. My elder car is more used to Mum... and he won't run away, since he's fixed, while Kafka would disappear in seconds.
My cat was with me nearly ten years, though. I'll miss him, I know. I was sad to see him go.
I recorded a video of him on my cellphone yesterday. Eating pizza (fuck cheezburger, amirite?) And this morning, Mum placed him in the box, and drove off just like that... long goodbyes isn't my style, you know? Even for a cat... especially for a cat. He's getting old as well and... that might've influenced my choice. If he dies of old age, he better do it far away from me.
Anyway... at work, I'm auditing still. Same login error, and I'm stranded listening to others communicate.
Friday Nov 27
I moved the washer to my kitchen, assembled my new (old) couch and placed in the counter-slash-bar. Both things kindly donated by my grandfather. With the headaches he gave me, he might as well contribute... plus, the furniture wasn't serving.I went to a furniture shop to check for possibilities of getting me the bed I wanted. Only in January, though. For the moment, we keep as we are. Ceiling lamps may have to wait a while as well. We carried a lot of clothing and cutlery to the place, putting it in place will have to wait until we get the kitchen clean.
Weekend Nov 28 - 29
I had two friends over to help with the painting, and we managed to do some work and have some fun. Disassembling the old closet on my brother's new bedroom was particularly satisfying. On Sunday, I was back again: Mum found a way to skip work, we painted another room, we cleaned the kitchen, we got the dishes and glasses in place. Tired, cold and sleepy.I hope we have enough money to get through it...
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